Chapter Text
Once upon a time, there was a herd of sauropods.
They lived peacefully, mostly unthreatened by predators, and dedicated their lives to protecting their young, finding the tastiest plants, and doing nothing in particular.
The largest dinosaur in their herd was a giant named Hashirama.
And then, one day, a giant bright star bloomed in their sky and everything changed for them forever…
Hashirama: Hello, bright light!
Madara: !!!
Tobirama: *slaps Hashirama with his tail* Don’t talk to strange lights in the sky, Anija!
Madara: *deciding to be contrary* Hello?
Hashirama: *excitedly* You can talk!
Madara: Obviously! What are you?
Hashirama: My name is Hashirama!
Madara: *suspiciously* Are you another rock? Is that rock talking to me? After several thousand years going around the same star, you decide you want to talk to me?
Hashirama: No! I’m a plant eater! A living thing! I live with these plants and some other living beings that look like me and…
Madara: You live on the rock?
Hashirama: I do?
Madara: I think so? I mean, I’m just taking my usual path around the star, and your voice is coming from the nearest rock so... I’m assuming that you are?
Hashirama: Tobirama! We live on a rock!
Tobirama: How interesting…
Madara: *curiously* How many of you are there?
And so, for the next few nights, Madara and Hashirama have this ongoing conversation about life, the universe and everything. But all things have to end…
Madara: So, it’s been nice chatting but I’m leaving the warm part around the star now.
Hashirama: But we were just getting to know each other!!!
Madara: Well, I’ll be back in a few hundred cycles of your rock going around the star?
Hashirama: But I’ll be dead by then!
Tobirama: *wrapping his neck around Hashirama in a hug* This is why we don’t make friends with giant space rocks, Anija.
Hashirama: Will I ever see you again????
Madara: I guess not?
Hashirama: *determined* Then I’m gonna tell my kids about you!
Mito: *deadpan* It’s an egg right now.
Hashirama: I’ll tell the egg about Madara then! He’s a gift from the sky! Everyone should know about him!
Tobirama: *puzzled* The egg has no ears…?
Hashirama: *really not listening* MADARAAAAAAA!!!! I’ll remember you forever! Come back and visit us again okay????
Madara: Idiot flesh being! I’m caught in the orbit of your star! It’s not like I have a choice!
Hashirama: It won’t be me, but someone will be here waiting!!!
Madara: There’s no way you can guarantee that!
Hashirama: *stubbornly* Yes, I can.
Tobirama: *supportively* If anyone can, it will be Anija.
Mito: *bashing her head against a tree and knocking it over* My poor egg. Why did I ever mate your father.
Madara: Okay then. I’ll be back in a couple of hundred spins and we’ll see who is right. In the meantime, look out for my brother okay? I can’t wait to hear what he thinks about you flesh beings when we next meet up in the cold parts away from your star.
Hashirama: I’ll definitely do that!
Tobirama: *sotto voice* Space rocks have siblings?
Madara: Shut up. I never liked you all that much.
Hashirama: So mean!
Madara: You expected me to learn manners where?
Hashirama: I guess…
Madara: Anyway, got to go, star’s pulling on me…
Hashirama: *sobbing* Goodbye Madara!!!!!
Madara: *faintly* Bye!
A few years later, another comet swings by while Hashirama is napping.
Tobirama: *sighing* I guess it’s up to me…
Mito: I’m not doing it. Talking to space rocks is not for me.
Tobirama: You mated him.
Mito: Because he’s huge, drives away things that try to eat us, and takes care of our babies. I didn’t know that he made friends with rocks when we mated. I didn’t agree to that.
Tobirama: …
Mito: *ruthlessly* You’re his egg mate, you do it.
Baby Dino: *shouting* MADARA???
Comet Izuna: !!!
Tobirama: *wrapping his tail around Hashirama’s baby* Are you Madara’s brother?
Izuna: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY BROTHER - WHAT IS HAPPENING - YOU CAN TALK - STAR FIRES PRESERVE ME -
Tobirama: *interrupting* He’s friends with my brother.
Izuna: MADARA MADE A FRIEND????
Tobirama: Believe me, I was baffled too.
Izuna: HE BARELY EVEN TOLERATES THE OTHER COMETS!!!
Tobirama: He and Hashirama quite enjoyed their chats actually…?
Izuna: MADARA HAS A FRIEND! I MUST TELL KURO!
Tobirama: *wincing* also, can you be a little quieter?
Izuna: No.
Tobirama: Thank you.
Izuna: I said no?
Tobirama: But you’re not yelling anymore.
Izuna: ... shut up.
Tobirama: Now I know that you’re really Madara’s brother.
Izuna: Ha! I’m never gonna let him forget this!
And so Tobirama and Izuna bond mostly through conversations that revolve around talking shit about Madara. As the rest of the Uchiha siblings pass by the earth in their turn, they’re greeted equally enthusiastically. And finally, when Madara makes it back…
Tsunade: MADARAAAAA!!!!
Madara: HASHIRAMA????
Tsunade: NO! I’M HIS GRANDDAUGHTER!!!
Madara: *gasping* Star fires, he bred.
Tsunade: *whipping her tail angrily* DON’T TALK LIKE THAT ABOUT MY GRANDFATHER!!!
Thus, every 200 years, Madara is greeted by Hashirama’s descendants.
But, eventually, a comet does strike the earth, and all the dinosaurs are killed. Madara, who always knew that he was going to outlive Hashirama’s descendants, wasn’t prepared to lose all of them at once. He rages, then mourns, and the rest of the Uchiha mourn with him for all the long years until they melt in the heat of the sun.
But then something happens that no one expected…