Chapter Text
The nervousness inside you grew with every passing day. You were almost seventeen- you should be happy about this! Not filled with dread about what turning that particular year would mean. You glanced at the calendar from your bed. Only three days left.
There was a rite of passage that every young man had taken before you, and would take long after you. They all whooted for joy when their time came, but you couldn’t find the enthusiasm to do so, although you did your best to fake it. And as the day grew closer, the more you had to fake it.
Maybe it was because you were the only female Ravager on Yondu’s team? Or maybe that had nothing to do with it. Maybe you were just… broken? Why couldn’t you just be excited about this like everyone else? That thought made your chest ache as you pulled on your boots.
You didn’t want to do it, this stupid rite of passage. No, it wasn’t exactly like you’d be forced into a room until you “did the deed,” However, you knew to refuse would be to cement your reputation as a lame prude who wouldn’t know fun if it crawled up her ass. But still, you really didn’t want to.
After all, who would want their first time to just be some random fuck for the sole purpose of “Becoming a man/woman” and an “official part of the crew.”? Yes, you wanted more than anything to be accepted, like Peter or the others, but you wanted your first time to be with someone you loved and cared for. Now, this isn’t to say that you weren’t currently a respected member of the crew, but things were just… different. You knew things would change if the others knew you didn’t want to go through with it. You’d be less “one of the guys” and more “the chick with the stick up her butt.” You didn’t want that.
You stood and took a deep breath, readying your facade before leaving your quarters to make your way down to breakfast.
As always, there were many other Ravagers also making their way from the crew quarters down to the mess hall. And, just how it had started happening the closer it got to that dreaded date, you’d encounter someone looking to congratulate you with a clap on the back, saying things like, “Ayy! How many days is it now? Bet ya can’t wait, huh?” or more often, high-fives and fist bumps as your crew mates cheered you on for your upcoming “big day.”
You took it all in stride, just like every other day. Big smiles, return the high-five, maybe throw in some finger guns, toss in an affirmative and that you “couldn’t wait.”
But each time you died just a bit inside. How long could you put on this charade? You knew you wouldn’t be able to go through with it. What was going to happen then? What would the rest of the crew say when they found out? Normally it wouldn’t be such a big deal for so long, when other guys came of age it was usually forgotten by the others after a few days. However, you were going to come of age the very day of the next scheduled shore leave, which was going to happen in just a few days, and for some reason this just bred excitement among your peers and they wouldn’t drop it.
You tried to put these thoughts out of your head as you entered the Mess Hall and got your breakfast.
Today you got to eat in relative peace, the attention being taken up by the story Narblik was telling about his last job on an icy planet and how he hadn’t been sure he’d make it back when the blizzard hit. It was when you got up to turn in your tray and leave when a few other’s started back up again.
Scrote whooped when he saw you stand, crying out a “Get ‘em!” at you and someone else shouted back that you were “Gonna be a man!” until someone shouted back at them “She’s a girl!” earning an apology and a correction that you were “Gonna be a woman!” that earned some laughter from the others. You knew the laughter wasn’t directed at you, they weren’t insulting your looks. Some species on the ship just had a hard time getting genders right because the concept of gender just wasn’t a thing on their homeworlds.
You passed Horuz and a young green man named Rahi who high-fived you with an “Ayyy!” as was becoming the custom greeting for anyone wanting to congratulate you on it being almost your big day. You returned the greeting. He had just turned 17 three days before along with another young man he often ran around with, and you heard him talking with some others (There were about 5 or 6 of you all either about to turn the big 17 or who recently had since the last shore leave 3 months ago. It was an abnormally large amount of young people coming of age this time around, which you suspected was further reason why some were making such a bigger deal about this upcoming shore leave.) about being excited for shore leave, as that’s when they’d be able to 'become men,’ aka, would be able to find a whore to screw. Younger crew often had more of the cleaning jobs aboard the Eclector, and unless assigned with an older crew mate, didn’t get to go on many away missions where they could try and woo a willing partner, and even then, Yondu liked quick turnarounds on jobs so there wasn’t a whole lot off “goof off” time without being reprimanded. There was no real rule about screwing crew mates either, but most avoided it just in case things got weird after. Easier to just bang someone random on shore leave and then get back to work. No muss no fuss.
Horuz teasingly asked if you had any studs picked out yet and you just laughed and said “Ha, one of these lot? You’re joking!” as you put your tray away.
You heard Yondu playfully scold the two from a couple tables over, telling them, “Oh, leave the poor girl alone, yer embarrassin’ her!” as he laughed. Horuz just shouted back, “Aw now, I didn’t even get to tell her about Oblo here’s first time!” This was met with Oblo, who was sitting nearby, choking out a “Hey!” and punching Horuz in the arm.
Kraglin laughed now, “I think she’s already heard that one! Let’s not ruin anyone’s meal now.”
You shivered. You had heard the story before. It involved a broken member and many stitches. You weren’t looking forward to hearing it again. “I’m out!” you say, looking for a way out of this conversation. “Got work to do.” With that you turned and started to leave the mess hall.
“That’s what I like to hear!” Yondu laughed from behind you. “Some of you lazy gits should start acting like her, don’t wanna work unless yer told to.” He knew you were just escaping having to hear the story again, but he wasn’t going to miss an opportunity to razz up some of his crew.
You finally make your way out of the mess hall and allow your grin to fall. You run a hand over your face, making your way toward the laundry where you had been assigned to repair one of the machines. You were grateful it was both early in the week as well as early in the day as you entered the room. Most of the crew waited until they were completely out of clean clothes to do their washings, which typically resulted in most of the crew crowding the laundry at the end of the week, so you were sure to have at least an hour or three alone to yourself.
You made your way to the back left-hand corner of the room towards the broken machine. It should be an easy fix, the complaint was that it wasn’t draining properly, so you figured it was just a clogged drain hose.
Upon opening up the machine you found you were right. it was just a clog. You retrieved a plumbing snake from a nearby supplies trunk and got to work fishing it out. Unfortunately this menial task gave you enough time to dwell on your problems rather than engaging your brain enough to force them into the back of your mind.
You kept thinking the word “broken” over and over. You couldn’t get it out of your head how you couldn’t bring yourself to just be excited over something everyone else seemed to love.
Your chest tightened. “Broken.. Loser…” Why couldn’t you get over it? Why didn’t you have these feelings like all the others?
You latched onto the clog and worked to pull it out. “
Broken…” Why was this so hard? “Broken… Stupid… Wrong…” What was wrong with you? “Stupid… Broken…” Why couldn’t you just be like everyone else?!
With that last thought you pulled the clog out with an audible “Pop!” that almost made you fly backwards. You looked at it in disgust and dropped it into the nearby trashcan before re-attaching the hose and sliding down to the floor. No one was going to show up to the laundry this early, might as well take advantage of this time to wallow in your own misery.
That’s what you told yourself at least. In truth you could feel tears burning your eyes and didn’t want anyone to see you cry. Better to let it happen alone than risk another crew mate seeing you and thinking you were weak.
What you didn’t know was that Yondu was also well aware of his Ravager crew’s laundry habits, and took advantage of the empty communal laundry room at the beginning of the week to wash his own laundry undisturbed. He made his way down after breakfast, actually having forgotten he had assigned you to fix one of the machines, and was therefore quite surprised to walk in on you sat in the corner crying.
“What d'we have here?” he asked, more puzzled than anything. He never once seen you cry, which now that he thought about it was rather surprising. He saw grown men cry at least twice a week, most of them Peter, but still. He tried to cover up any concern with humor. “Did Halfnut leave his dirty drawers in the machine again? Smell’s bad enough to make anyone cry.”
You had been startled when he first walked in and you were currently trying to quickly straighten yourself up. “Nothing. Sorry Captain.” you said, not looking him in the eye as you bent down to pick up the plumbing snake. “Nearly done here.” you say, unable to hide a sniffle.
Yondu plopped his laundry basket on one of the long steel tables running up the middle of the room and sighed, turning to walk towards the door.
You look up in surprise as you heard the lock engage.
He looked at you, arms crossed, and said, “Ya really think I’m gonna buy that? Yer not leaving here until ya spill it. Now what’s wrong? Somebody bein’ mean to ya? Yer feminine-ly cycle -or whatever it’s called- hurtin’ ya again?”
You blushed and gave him a sharp look before placing the plumbing snake back where you found it.
Yondu rolled his eyes as he moved his basket over to a machine and tossed his clothes in. “Fine, be that way. But I meant what I said. Ya ain’t leavin’ til we sort it out. Might as well talk or it’s gonna get mighty borin’ in here.” He turned on the machine and hoisted himself up to sit on the table, patting the space beside him.
You begrudgingly approach, not meeting his eyes, and lifted yourself up to sit down on the table.
“Now what’s wrong?” he said again.
You fix your gaze on your lap and sigh. “You’re just gonna make fun of me.” You say sadly.
Yondu smirks. “Maybe. Still wanna hear it though.” Upon seeing your face fall further he elbowed you and said, “I’m jus’ kiddin’! What’s the long face?”
Your eyes remain down and you quietly say, “I… don’t wanna do it.”
Yondu raises an eyebrow. “What?”
“I don’t wanna do it.” you repeat.
“Ya dun wanna do… what?” he asks in confusion. He at first assumed maybe you didn’t want to do your assigned morning task of fixing the machine, but it seemed like you had already finished it, so he had no idea what you could possibly mean to even begin to be angry for any disobeyed orders. Also, he doubted he found you crying over something as silly as not wanting to fix a washing machine.
“It,” you say, “You know, IT.” you make a crude gesture with your fingers, forming a circle in one hand with your thumb and index finger and inserting the index finger of your other hand in and out of it, to hopefully get the point across.
Yondu’s eyes widen a bit. “Oh!” he says in surprise, before continuing in confusion, “I don’t get it? Ya seemed just as excited as could be a bit ago?”
“I’ve been faking it. Don’t want the others to make fun of me.”
“Come now! They won’t ma-”
He’s cut off by you giving him another sharp look. He looks forward again and nods, sighing, “Yeah, yer right. They will.”
The two of you were quiet for a couple moments before Yondu awkwardly broke the silence. “Ya mind if I ask why? Like are ya scared or somethin’?” he looks at you with a raised eyebrow, slight concern painting his features.
He remembered his first time. As a battle-slave he didn’t exactly see much action; the Kree weren’t exactly fond of the idea of their battle-slaves reproducing or having any fun; and by the time Stakar freed him he was in his twenties. It was shortly after when with some other young Ravagers that the subject came up and he admitted he had never done it, only for his mates to excitedly cheer that they were taking him with them on shore leave so he could “become a man.”
He had been nervous, though he never expressed it out loud, not wanting to appear weak. He knew they meant well, but screwing a random whore just to fit-in and say he had wasn’t something he had exactly been looking forward to, however peer pressure had encouraged him to go through with it.
It wasn’t too bad, he realized, but even knowing that he himself had come to enjoy the act, he always remembered the knot in his stomach leading up to his first time, and hearing you say that you might be scared of doing it made a similar knot form, only higher in his chest and feeling more like… pity? No, that wasn’t quite it. Empathy? Yes, that was probably more accurate. Damn sentiment.
“It’s not anything like that… it’s just… I don’t feel anything like that. I’m not even sure I’d know what that feeling is. It’s just not there. I’m not scared, or even disgusted, I just feel… nothing.”
“I’m not sure I follow…” Yondu said honestly. He supposed you feeling nothing was better than you being scared, but he still didn’t quite understand.
“Ok, like, imagine you’re surrounded by a feast, with everything you could ever want to eat, but you’re not hungry. That’s how I feel. I just don’t want any of it,” you said. Your voice cracked as you continued, “…and it’s just so frustrating. Everyone else gets to be normal, while I just don’t feel… anything. I don’t want to do it-with anyone. When I think about it I feel nothing- it’s like I’m broken.” You covered your mouth, still not meeting Yondu’s gaze as you tried to hold back frustrated tears.
Hearing you say that you thought you were broken tore at Yondu’s heart. He wrapped an arm around you tightly and said in a firm voice, “Ya listen here. Yer not broken. I don’t wanna hear that again. Look here.”
You reluctantly do as he asks.
“Yer not broken,” he said again, his face stern. “Sex doesn’t make a person whole, so how could ya ever be broken, girl?”
You inhaled sharply as fresh tears pricked at your eyes. You hadn’t realized until then that that was exactly what you needed to hear. You quickly wrap your arms around him, burying your face in his chest to hide your tears.
Taken aback at he sudden gesture, Yondu patted you on the back comfortingly and returned the hug. Good thing he locked the door. He doubted that any of his crew would be bothered to wash their clothes this early, but still, it would halt the possibility of new rumors that he was “going soft on the Terrans.” He honestly wasn’t sure he’d sleep tonight if he had to scold you for crying to save face with his crew right now.
You pulled back almost as soon as you went in, straightening up and quickly wiping your eyes.
“Feel better?”
You nodded.
Yondu sighed, “What to do now…” he said thoughtfully. “Ya know, I never actually liked this whole 'rite of passage’ thing, to be fully honest. Crew just gets too wound up. Yer not the first to have reservations 'bout it. Handful of lads have come to me over the years, confiding that they were nervous, but scared of being bullied by the rest of the crew if they didn’t go through with it. I suspect there might have been more, but were too scared of lookin’ weak to tell their captain. I guess I can understand that.”
Surprised by this honesty, you asked, “What did they do?”
“Faked it. They’d go on shore leave, pay a whore to put on a good loud show, yelling and banging on the walls 'n stuff, then lap up the congratulations of the rest of the crew for 'becoming a man.’”
You were further surprised that any of the the crew would have been that open with their captain to admit faking it. “Really?” you ask. “They told you about it after?”
“Who d'ya think told 'em to do it?” Yondu said, huffing a laugh out his nose.
That makes you smile, though you aren’t quite sure why. After a moment of thought you say, “If you don’t like the whole thing, why don’t you stop it?”
Yondu sighed. “I don’t think I could if I tried. It’s widespread over all 100 Ravager factions. Doubt it do well to tell one faction they couldn’t participate. Enough of them look forward to it they’d probably riot.” Yondu laughed sardonically. “Not that I haven’t thought about trying to steer the culture around it in a different direction. I can tell some of my older crew have the same thoughts, even if they won’t admit it.”
“How do you know if they never said?” you asked.
“The way they keep passing off horror stories as funny tales to the younger crew. Or did ya miss the story about how Vorker-”
“Nope! Heard it!” you cut him off suddenly. “I remember! I don’t need to hear it again, please!” You held up your hands almost as if defending yourself from hearing it again, eyes wide. You most definitely did not need to hear a retelling of the time Vorker caught something very nasty off a girl he met on a job and the details that came with it. There were some rumors that it was how he really lost his eye, but you weren’t sure of the truth behind those claims.
Yondu chuckled, patting you on the back. His expression changed when he said. “That’s prob'ly what ya should do.”
You raised an eyebrow at him.
“Fake it, I mean.” he clarified. “Ya should wait til ya want to do it, with someone ya want, if that should ever happen. Not just go through with it to fulfill some dumbass rite of passage.” He stared off into the space in front of him. “I can’t really see another way to go 'bout it.” he admitted. “If I called out for a change among the crew now they’d no doubt see the connection, think I was going soft 'cause yer the only girl here, and then it’d blowback on you. I ain’t gonna let that happen.” He gave you a look that you understood without him having to explain further. He actually cared about you, in a way similar to how he cared for Peter. He didn’t want to see you hurt or bullied over something stupid like this.
You nodded in understanding, returning your gaze to the floor.
“Next shore leave is in a few days. I’ll take care of it.” Yondu said, his words surprising you.
“What?”
“Consider it a gift.” he said, lightly punching you in the arm as he said, “Don’t say I never gave ya anythin’.”
“I don’t understand?” you say, lightly laughing in confusion.
Yondu dramatically rolled his eyes and said, “Guess I gotta spell it out fer ya… I’ll arrange for a "fake visit” from a nice whore-bot for ya. It actually costs more for them to fake it, if ya can believe it.“
You stared at him, speechless. "I- thank you?” you finally say, blushing. You give him another quick hug.
“Ya, don’t get used to it.” he replied in his usual gruff fashion when you released him, but you knew better. The old softie.
Just then the machine buzzed, alerting that Yondu’s clothes were finished washing. He stood from the table to switch them into a nearby dryer. Once done he turned back to face you. “Well, ya probably got other duties ya need to get to. Better get on 'em.”
You smiled, giving him a mock-reluctant, “Yeah,” before following him to the door.
You weren’t expecting what happened next.
Yondu opened the door and exited, you following out behind. The hallway was no longer empty, and you heard the same young man from earlier, Rahi, call out from a group of two other Ravagers, “Ow Ow! Looks like she finally lost it to the Captain!”
No doubt he thought he was being funny, but he really, really, shouldn’t have done that.
Yondu’s whistle pierced the air, his arrow quickly finding its way to rest against Rahi’s throat. “Ya wanna try that again?” Yondu growled.
Rahi couldn’t find any words, just babbled out incoherent nonsense as he nearly shit his pants. The other two Ravagers in the group weren’t laughing, just cowering with their friend afraid they’d be next once Yondu finished with him. Other crew mates standing within the hall also stopped to stare in stunned silence.
“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t run my arrow through ya for speakin’ to yer captain like that? Even worse offense for implying I’d screw around with a child.” Yondu’s eyes were dark and full of rage. Even you were a bit frightened, enough to almost let the child comment slide, and you weren’t even the target.
“Dude! He’s so old! Ew!” you shout over to the terrified young Ravager, hoping to help the situation by making it clear that nothing like that was ever going to be a thing. And, if you were to be honest, slight payback for Yondu calling you a child.
Yondu whipped his head around to you, and you caught a momentary expression of “You little shit!” before he said, “And don’t ya forget it!”
He turned back to Rahi. “I’m waiting.” he said, still glowering and crossing his arms expectantly.
Rahi was still busy freaking out. It looked like he was about to cry. He eventually managed to squeak out a, “I’m sorry!” among his pleas for Yondu not to kill him.
Yondu called back his arrow. “That’s what I thought. For yer smart mouth you and the other two there are gonna wash the outside of the Eclector, and yer all gonna keep at it until the whole ship’s clean.” With a smug smile he added. “Guess yer all gonna miss out on shore leave.”
This obviously didn’t go over well with Rahi’s friends, who were now glaring and smacking him at the back of his green head. The next shore leave after the upcoming one wouldn’t happen for another 3 months.
“Ya heard me. Git going. And yer still all responsible fer yer other duties too.” Yondu added.
The three young men begrudgingly started making their way past when Yondu stopped them again with an, “Ah, Ah, Ah.” making them turn back, dreading what else he might have to add.
“I think ya better apologize to this young lady too, for thinking she’d want her first time to be with someone so old.” He looked at you pointedly as he said this and you squinted back at him, a nervous giggle escaping your throat as you rubbed the back of your head. Shouldn’t have spoke up and called your captain old, now he was going to have to make an example of you as well for mouthing off. “Yer gonna be cleaning out the brig for that one, missy.” he said, loud enough for everyone else to hear. Had to make it look good, after all.
Rahi muttered out an apology before scurrying away with his now very irritated mates, but not before Yondu cried out after him with a, “I’m startin’ to think some of ya are gettin’ a lil’ too wound up about this lil’ rite of passage among ya young-ins. It’d sure be a shame if you were the reason I decided to put an end to it.” He said this with a thick veil of warning. It was a threat, and one you hadn’t expected to hear after the conversation you just had with him.
It was clear that no one else in hallway had expected to hear this from their captain either. Looks of shock were exchanged among the Ravagers in the hallway. Rahi and his buddies’ eyes all widened in shock when his words finally sunk in and their scurry turned into a sprint to get away before they could make things even worse. That comment Rahi made had apparently pissed the captain off bad.
“What the rest of ya staring at?” Yondu said, startling the rest of the hallway dwelling crew into motion. “I know ya’ll got shit to do, get on it!” He looked at you and cocked his head as if to say “Get moving.” and you obeyed, making your way toward the brig to complete your extra cleaning duties.
Yondu did his best to hide a smirk as he made his way down to his quarters. He knew rumors would start spreading like wildfire about Rahi nearly causing Yondu to put an end to the rite of passage after that display. It was bound to piss more than a few of the younger crew off. He didn’t care much for the lazy shit anyway, so it was better the crew think he was the reason for any upcoming changes rather than you, and if it succeeded in helping him end the whole culture around that particular thing, even better. They really did get too wound up about it.