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When Rick entered the room and sat down at the breakfast table, the family chatter fell silent. Beth, Jerry, Morty and Summer all stared.
“Uh…Dad?” Beth said. “Are you—are those—”
Rick buttered a piece of toast and took a swig of coffee. “Before you say anything else,” he said, “I did this for science. These—that is all the explanation you or anyone should require. I do things. That’s all. I turned myself into Tiny Rick and Pickle Rick. This is—I’m entering a new phase now, but I’m not giving it a cutesy name because that would degrade the science of it, it’s beyond your comprehension. Move along. Hey Morty, how is your, uh—your life as a human adolescent in this hyperconnected and yet socially isolated world? H-how is that workin’ out for you?”
“Is this, uh…permanent?” Jerry asked.
“Obviously not. They’ll—they’ll dry up and fall off in about forty-eight hours. Pass the bacon.”
No one passed the bacon. They all kept staring.
“Oh come on,” Rick said. “You’ve all s-seen some shit by now. In the grand—urp—scheme of everything I’ve done this is barely worth noticing.”
Summer put a hand over her mouth and giggled.
Rick crammed the rest of his toast into his mouth and drag more coffee before he was finished chewing, dribbling some onto his chin. “What?”
“It’s just—oh my god, they’re adorable! Can I take a picture?”
Rick’s fuzzy, grayish-white cat ears swiveled and pinned back against the sides of his head. “Only if you’re puh-p-prepared to have that cell phone shoved so far up your ass that it touches your soul,” he growled.
Summer just giggled harder.
“Dad, that is…” Beth cleared her throat delicately. “Not an appropriate thing to say to your granddaughter. We’d appreciate it if you could—” she stopped, the corners of her mouth twitching as she struggled not to smile.
Rick sighed. His ears swiveled back and forth like tiny satellite dishes. “D-didn’t sleep much last night. I’m a little grumpy.” He paused. “What?”
“I’m sorry, it’s hard to take anything you’re saying seriously right now,” Beth said. “You’re just—” she emitted a faint, seemingly involuntary squee.
Jerry groaned. “Oh come on. They aren’t cute, they look stupid! He still has his human ears, the cat ears are just…sitting above them. How does that make any sense?”
“Dad, haven’t you ever seen anime?” Morty said. “That’s how it usually is.”
Jerry crossed his arms over his chest and said coolly, “Well he looks like an abomination.”
“Can I touch them?” Summer asked.
“Just so you know,” Rick said, “super offensive, asking to touch a catperson’s ears. I could have you c-cancelled for that but I’ll let it slide if you stop—”
“I mean why does he need two pairs of ears?” Jerry asked. “Can they even hear or are they just decorations?”
“Yes, Jerry, they’re functional and way better than your pathetic human ears, which is n-not a blessing right now, I can tell you. I can hear all of your stomachs di-digesting and it’s disgusting. I never wanted to be this aware of your b-biological processes.”
“So you did this for…science?” Beth asked.
Summer took a picture with her cell phone.
“Dammit Summer! What did I tell you?”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Phone’s going straight up my ass. Totes worth it.” She tapped the screen a few times.
“If you send that to anyone—”
“I’ve already sent it to all my friends, and it’s on Instagram and Twitter and it’s been retweeted like nine thousand times.”
“In three seconds?!”
Beth slowly reached out toward Rick’s left ear.
Rick covered his ears with both hands. “No.”
Beth let out a faint whine of frustration. “But…f-fuzzy…”
“It’s just,” Jerry said, “why would you give yourself cat ears if you don’t want anyone to notice them or comment on them?”
“Ugh! Jesus fucking greased-up ponyballs! Okay, since you’re all so curious, the-the-the only reason I gave myself these stupid things is because I met up with an old flame last night on Sarkron 3 and this happens to be her fetish. Also, completely worth it. She went fucking nuts. Her uvulaxis was sooporazing like crazy, I mean, all over the place.”
“I don’t know what those words mean but I don’t feel like my children should be hearing them,” Beth said.
“It’s fine Mom,” Summer said, “kids today are totally jaded, we’ve all seen a sooporazing uvulaxis before.”
“Uh-huh. So what you’re saying is…” Jerry paused, smiling in the smug way he did when he was about to be extraordinarily pleased with his own wit. “You did it for pussy?”
“Oh, a cat pun. So unexpected. L-let’s everyone bow down before Jerry’s amazing word-brain and l-lick his asshole.”
“Lick your own, dawg,” Jerry said. “I hear you cats like to do that.”
“For your information, these modifications are surface-level. Aside from en-enhanced senses, I don’t—” Rick froze, staring intently at something. His back went rigid, his expression going blank. His ears flicked forward, alert and quivering. His gaze moved slowly back and forth, tracking.
Morty had a feather-tipped cat toy in one hand and was moving it slowly, deliberately back and forth.
“Dad?” said Beth.
Rick’s ears pinned back, then flicked forward again. He bit his lower lip, groaning. “D-dammit, Morty…don’t—”
Morty kept trailing the toy through the air in that graceful, hypnotic movement.
Rick gripped the edge of the tabletop, breathing hard. Then he sprang forward, onto the table, knocking over glasses and plates.
“Agh! Rick!” Jerry shouted.
“Dad!”
Rick landed in a crouch on the tabletop, batting madly at the toy.
Summer whipped out her cell phone again and leapt to her feet, taking pictures from every angle. “Oh yeah. Give it to me, baby. That’s what Summer likes. I am going to have so many followers! Shake those fuzzy moneymakers!”
Rick hissed at her, showing a single tiny fang, and batted the cell phone out of her hand, then leapt off the table and bolted out of the room on all fours. The table was left in a disarray, covered in spilled coffee and orange juice. One of the glasses had shattered.
“Should I ask why you have a cat toy?” Beth asked Morty.
“No.”
-The End