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When Hinata went to Brazil, Tobio knew it was going to hurt. He had prepared for it. His other half was leaving for the other side of the world. But still, he knew ahead of time. It still hurt. He still cried every so often because that was how badly he missed him. But he was prepared and he still talked to Hinata whenever they could.
But this…
Nothing could’ve ever prepared him for the phone call he would receive right after practice.
“K-Kageyama…”
The world started shaking under Tobio’s feet. A pit settled in his stomach as he listened to Yamaguchi’s voice tremble with his name. There was a commotion in the background.
“What’s wrong?” he replied, hands beginning to shake.
Yamaguchi started crying and the commotion got louder.
“What’s wrong?!” Tobio nearly yelled, heart nearly beating out of his chest.
A strong hand came down on his shoulder and he turned to see Ushijima looking at him with concern.
“Hinata! He’s– he–” Yamaguchi could only say so much before crying again.
His heart sank and before even knowing what happened, his eyes burned with tears. The urge to run to wherever Hinata was overtook him but he knew if he took a step, he would crumble with the weight of the possibilities of what happened to his–
“What happened? Where–” Tobio’s voice cracked but he knew his question went through.
Tobio could only hear Yamaguchi’s crying and fumbling and the noise in the background kept growing. Or maybe that was his heartbeat.
“Kageyama! Are you okay?!” Or maybe it was the voices of his teammates.
Hoshiumi was in front of him with his hands on Tobio’s shoulders (when’d he get there?) and he was staring at him worriedly. What was he doing?
“Tadashi, give me the phone,” he faintly registered.
There was too much going on. He could barely breathe.
Tsukishima’s voice filled his head. “We’re going to the hospital where he always gets his checkups. Get there when you can. Bye.” And the call ended.
Slowly, Tobio regained some of his senses and realized that half of his team was watching him worriedly. Where was Hinata’s hospital again? How long was it going to take to get there? Is he okay? He’s alive, right? What’s going on? Why’s everyone here?
“Kage–”
“Hinata’s in the hospital,” he said aloud to no one in particular.
This wasn’t real, right? Just some dream, some nightmare, that he’ll wake up from, and then he would find Hinata in the kitchen with their smoothies and then he would tell him about the dream, and Hinata would just kiss his forehead and assure him that everything’s alright.
Right?
There was a heavy silence between him and the rest of his teammates. In a flash, his teammates started talking all at once and it made his head swim in this surreal reality.
“Come on! Ushijima has a car! Let’s go!” Hoshiumi tugged on his arm, pulling him towards the tall man.
He snapped out of his daze and ran behind his friend. All he wanted now was to see Hinata. Hold his hand and see that he was truly okay. Hear his bright voice telling him, ‘Aw, were you worried about me, Dummy-yama?’ That was all he wanted.
“Ushijima, I’ll tell you where to go. I’ve been there with Hinata before,” Tobio faintly heard Hoshiumi say.
I’m almost there. Just…keep holding on, Tobio pleaded, hoping somehow that would reach Hinata telepathically.
Ushijima hadn’t even properly pulled into the parking lot before Tobio threw open the car door and sprinted into the hospital. Things went by in a blur and he had to repeat Hinata’s name a couple of times before the receptionist finally told him where to go.
Please be okay. Please. I’ll buy you some meat buns if you’re okay.
“Kageyama!”
Tobio turned around to see Yamaguchi and Yachi standing up to greet him. It wasn’t until she reached up to wipe his tears away that he realized he was crying at all.
“Where is he?”
Yamaguchi, with his puffy eyes and shaky hands, shook his head slightly. Yachi looked away.
Tobio’s hands only started shaking more.
“WHERE IS HE?!”
“Kageyama.”
He turned to see Tsukishima walking towards him.
“Where is he?” Tobio asked, voice quiet and pleading. The tears were welling up again.
As Tsukishima got closer (still not talking), Tobio’s nerves were getting the better of him. It wasn’t until they were basically face-to-face that Tobio realized that the other had been crying. The neutral expression he wore was to keep himself from crying, Tobio realized.
Tsukishima’s lip trembled.
“Hinata…we were on our way home from the game today. We were on the h-highway,” Tsukishima faltered, face contorting strangely before he cleared his throat. “Tadashi and I were following him in our car and I guess…” Oh god. “I guess we all hadn’t seen the out-of-control car.”
Tobio froze, the lump in his throat refusing to back down no matter how many times he swallowed. The room swayed and it felt as if there was a weight on his chest. Tsukishima put a hand on his shoulder in what was supposed to be a comforting way.
“Where is he?” he asked.
Tsukishima looked him in the eyes, an indiscernible expression on his face. He almost looked guilty.
“Kageyama…”
“ Please. Where is he? I need to see him,” he continued pressing.
Tsukishima turned away and sighed. “I managed to talk to him. When we got here.” His eyes snapped up. Tsukishima wouldn’t look at him. “He… he doesn’t want to see you.”
“What…?” Tobio asked, the desperation starting to cling to his voice.
Tsukishima sniffed before finally making eye contact with Tobio. “He doesn’t want you to see him. Not like this.”
“Tsukishima, please ,” Tobio gritted his teeth, tears flowing down his cheeks. “Where is he?”
Tsukishima stayed silent, maintaining forceful eye contact. Tobio tried to ignore the gnawing in his chest when he saw the other’s tears start slowly trickling down his face.
Tobio whipped his head around to try and find it until he saw the hallway leading to a single room. Hinata’s room .
Before he could basically run towards the room, Tsukishima wrapped his arms around him and held him there.
“What are you doing? ” Tobio hissed, venom in his voice as he struggled to free himself from Tsukishima’s grip. He grunted and tried to tackle him to the ground. “Tsukishima, please! I need to see him.”
Tsukishima didn’t say anything as Tobio kept hitting and kicking him. Curse him for being so tall and getting more muscular because of volleyball. Curse him for holding him back. Curse him for keeping him away from the person he needed most.
“Please, I need to– HINATA! I need to see him! ”
Tobio was yelling and kicking and hitting and crying, trying his hardest to get past Tsukishima. He could feel hands start to pull him back but he had to see Hinata. Please .
“Kageyama, please. Sit down,” Yachi cried, but it was more like begging rather than a calm voice telling him what to do.
Tobio was crying harder than he ever had before but that didn’t stop him from actively trying to push Tsukishima away. The other just took the hits but didn’t let up.
“Let me just see him once,” Tobio sobbed, voice raspy with all the crying and screaming he’s been doing. “I just want to make sure he’s okay. Please.”
Tsukishima didn’t budge, only making Tobio cry harder, filled with frustration and despair and helplessness and anguish and every other emotion he couldn’t put a name on because Hinata wasn’t here with him and he was hurt and Tobio couldn’t do anything about it and because Hinata was so close but he couldn’t be any closer.
“HINATA! HINATA! PLEASE! ” he yelled, hoping that this was just a dream he could wake up from already or hoping that Hinata would walk out with minor scratches. He could only hope that Hinata could hear him and know that he was here and that he wouldn’t go anywhere.
He didn’t know what it was exactly that compelled him to check his buzzing phone but when he did, he saw a message.
From Hinata.
i’m still here
With that, Tobio let out an anguished gasp and sobbed, harder than he had yet, before dropping to the floor. He nearly toppled Tsukishima who hadn’t been expecting it.
‘ I’m still here. ’ An indication that Hinata was and will be okay. A sign telling him it was okay to let go.
Tobio wasn’t sure how long he was on the floor or when Ushijima had gotten there or when they moved him onto the couch in the waiting room. But when he had calmed down enough, he slowly got up and walked towards the door to Hinata’s room. He didn’t make a move to enter but instead put a hand on it and rested his forehead on the door. He could hear the faint beeping of machinery.
“Hinata, it’s me. I know you said you’re still here,” Tobio paused, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. “But you’re in there and I’m out here… What am I supposed to do with that?”
The silence that would’ve otherwise been filled by a teasing remark or by a thoughtful hm was too loud. Tobio fought back the urge to cry.
“You’re as stubborn as I am. Maybe even more… So, that means you better come back soon… You better come back healthy and strong like the way you taught yourself to be. You better come back.” Tobio let out a sob. “Because… because as long as I’m here, you’ll be the strongest.”
Tobio was crying again but he couldn’t, he wouldn’t stop until he finished what he wanted to say. “And I’ll never leave your side…” He fought back a sob. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner how much I love you, Shouyou.”
His hand slid down the door and he hugged himself, hoping that some comfort would come from the action but it only made him feel lonelier. Knowing that Hinata was suffering and that he couldn’t do anything to help him ate him up inside.
“Come on, Kageyama. Let’s get you home,” a soft voice told him as gentle hands held his arms and led him away from the room.
He was quiet, tired from all the emotions he had experienced within the last hour. Tsukishima drove Yamaguchi, Yachi, and him to his own house where he decided it’d be safest to keep them. Once they got there, it was quiet except for the occasional sniffling.
If Hinata were here, it wouldn’t be this quiet, Tobio thought. They were dangerous thoughts. He took in a shuddered breath. Hinata’s gonna be okay.
—————
Tobio wiped off his sweat with the towel he brought that day. He took a sip of water before grabbing a volleyball off the floor and heading to the volleyball net. He had decided to stay back that evening to practice his serves and sets. They had a game coming up soon.
…
A year had passed since Tobio had last seen Hinata. After he was first admitted into the hospital, he had tried several times to walk into the room but the doctors had been notified and Yamaguchi was also there to stop him any chance he got.
“He was really injured,” Tsukishima had finally told him after days of nonstop asking. “He was in and out of consciousness the whole time. The damage to his legs was–” His voice cracked. “The doctors told me…” A shuddered breath. “They weren’t sure if he’d ever be able to play again.”
People say there are 5 stages of grief and oh, did Tobio grieve. And in the beginning, there was a lot of anger and sadness. He would cry, talking to no one except the door in front of him until the ache in his chest became anger. It was then that he would start yelling at the door. Wishing that Hinata would stop being stupid and just let him in .
Yamaguchi would look at him, resigned, and would lead him away from the door until Tobio just gave in from exhaustion. It was a tiring cycle that lasted maybe a month and a half (or so Tsukishima would testify) until eventually, with time and counseling, Tobio began to accept that Hinata was going to be gone for a while.
He tried throwing himself into his career but how could he when his entire life was intertwined with Hinata’s? There were times where his captain had to drag him to the bench because his tears were clouding his sets (and because nobody could bear watching their beloved friend and setter break down in front of them). Over time, he was able to get his head in the game and he was soon playing as if nothing had ever happened.
But of course, things had happened and people did notice but they respected his space. During the solo practices he would have after team practices, there were often times where he would hear some criticism in Hinata’s voice or where he would actually see Hinata jumping. The first couple of times, Hoshiumi or Ushijima or Hirugami would come to check on him only to find him on the floor sobbing and clutching a volleyball.
He sent many texts to Hinata’s phone in the year Hinata was gone. Life updates, the way his games turned out ( many wins), a joke someone told him that he thought Hinata would like, a new recipe he tried out. Every day, he hoped that he would see the ‘Read’ at the bottom of the screen but it never came.
Every once in a while when he would start missing Hinata immensely and it left an ache in his heart that wouldn’t leave, he would tell Hinata everything he loved about him. To make him feel that Hinata was there with him and remind himself that he was still there, at least in his heart. His heart was bared in the many videos and voicemails he sent.
It had been such a long year.
…
Tobio spun the ball in his hand (his pre-serve routine) before throwing it up and smacking it over the net. It landed nicely in the court, the sound reverberating around the gym. He smiled, satisfied.
“Nice serve!”
Tobio turned to see Hinata smiling, beaming , at him with a smile that literally shined from the other side of the net. He sighed sadly and closed his eyes, trying to ignore the fluttering in his stomach. When he opened them up again, Hinata was gone. Of course, he knew Hinata was gone, and yet, his mind and body did everything they could to make it seem like he wasn’t. It was cruel.
After practicing a couple more serves, he decided to start practicing his sets. It was difficult without someone to throw the balls for him but he had figured out a method that worked really well for him.
He couldn’t help picturing Hinata running up and spiking each ball with each toss he sent up. It had helped him all throughout high school and it helped him now. In the beginning, he begged and pleaded and hoped that one of those spikes wouldn’t just be his imagination.
He took a deep, steady breath in before bouncing the ball and running to a setting position. It was a good one.
“I’m here!”
Tobio whipped his head around to see Hinata’s figure in a spiking position, ready to hit the ball. A small smile sprung onto his face and adrenaline ran through his veins. Despite knowing it was fake, it still brought comfort and familiarity.
Hinata… looks clearer than ever right now, Tobio thought, pinpointing his set to Hinata’s hand.
He knew Hinata wouldn’t hit it. He hasn’t for a year now. But the visualization of Hinata spiking his set brought a rush of energy over him that nothing else could compare to…
The sound of the ball slamming onto the court made him freeze. He was facing away from the net but he couldn’t bring himself to turn around. The sound he always imagined when he spiked to imaginary Hinata was never this loud and it never echoed this clearly. He heard someone land behind him.
Ah. It’s Hoshiumi, Tobio rationalized. Hoshiumi snuck up on me during practice and I imagined everything but the spike.
Tobio turned around to berate Hoshiumi but every curse he was about to say died in his throat. His eyes widened and the tears were already threatening to fall. He couldn’t speak – wouldn’t – because he knew that if he tried, he would start crying before anything came out.
In front of him stood his beloved Hinata Shouyou, holding a volleyball and shifting on his feet. He had a small smile on his face. His eyes were shining.
Tobio almost didn’t want to believe it was real until Hinata bounced the ball back into his hands and asked, “One more?”
Tobio couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe. All he could do was stare as Hinata approached him and stood in front of him, gazing into his eyes.
This wasn’t real, right? He had to be dreaming. He would wake up and find himself passed out on the gym floor after an exhausting solo practice. Right?
Only these questions wouldn’t stop the tears from forming and spilling from his eyes. His breathing became ragged but still, he couldn’t move. His grip on the volleyball was starting to turn his fingertips white but he held onto it like it was his lifeline.
Hinata reached up and cupped Tobio’s cheek with his hand, thumb gently brushing away his tears. His touch felt like sparks under Tobio’s skin. Oh god.
“It’s been a long time, Kageyama…”
Tobio could only stare, hands finally dropping the ball between them. He couldn’t believe this was happening. Slowly, he brought up his hand and settled it on Hinata’s hair. The softness of it tickled his palm and the realization that this was all real and that Hinata really was in the gym with him washed over him.
“Oh god,” Tobio choked out. “You’re real.” He wasted no time wrapping Hinata in a hug that was immediately reciprocated. “You’re here .”
Tobio felt every emotion crashing down on him and as the tears streamed down his face, the feeling of relief started overtaking every single one of them. Hinata was here and he was okay and Tobio thought he would never stop crying.
“I’m here.”
And this time, it was real.
----------
Tobio wasn’t sure how long they spent holding each other but now they were seated on the floor with Hinata sitting between his legs. Tobio, not one for physical touch, had him wrapped in a hug with his chin resting on the other’s head. There had been a few instances where Hinata wanted to play but Tobio wouldn’t let go. Hinata whined but the both of them had missed each other after a long year of no contact; total physical contact was acceptable.
“I missed you,” Tobio muttered for the fifth time that night.
Hinata laughed lightly before saying, “I know, Sappy-yama. I missed you too.”
Tobio’s heart swelled and his arms tightened around the other. God, he really had missed this. He sighed contentedly.
“Tsukishima had said that you wouldn’t be able to play again,” Tobio finally broke the silence.
“Oh, yeah. The doctors said that my legs were really messed up,” Hinata said, twiddling with the laces on his shoes. “That’s why I’m wearing this.”
For the first time tonight, Tobio realized that Hinata was wearing joggers instead of the usual shorts he preferred. He was also wearing long sleeves under his shirt like what he used to wear in Brazil. Hinata rested his head on Tobio’s chest.
“Wh–”
“I didn’t want you to see the surgery scars. Not now…” he trailed off. Tobio couldn’t even imagine. “I didn’t want you to see me like that but I’m sure you were already told that. I missed you so much and I knew that staying away from me must’ve hurt, especially after all that time I was in Brazil.”
Tobio was silent, taking in all that he was saying. Hinata took a deep breath.
“There wasn’t a day where I wasn’t in pain. It must’ve lasted months. Would you have wanted to see me like that?”
Tobio shook his head but quickly corrected himself. “If it meant that I would be by your side through it all, then yes.”
Hinata looked up at him with a sad, soft smile. “I know. But I didn’t want to put you through that. Being helpless to help someone is a lot different from seeing exactly what someone is suffering and not being able to help at all no matter how hard you try. I didn’t want you going through any of that.”
Tobio hugged him to his chest. What Hinata went through didn’t compare to what he went through.
“And don’t you start comparing what I went through to what you went through! We both went through shitty things and we both went through a lot of pain…” It was like Hinata could see Tobio’s shocked expression because he laughed. “I’m sorry we couldn’t be there for each other but now we’re here. Together.” He turned to nuzzle his face into Tobio’s neck.
“Yeah,” was all Tobio could say as he relished in the feeling of just Hinata.
The other man turned so that they were facing each other, Hinata’s legs wrapping around Tobio.
“When I was ready, I went to physical therapy. It hurt more than you could ever know. But I knew… I knew I had to get better. Get strong and healthy. So that we could see each other on the court again. Because there was no way that I was going to let you win.”
Tobio chuckled, overwhelmed with emotions, and kissed Hinata’s forehead. He really was here . Hinata hummed contentedly before gazing up at Tobio with bright eyes.
“I heard you. The day I had the accident,” he said, not breaking eye contact.
“You did?”
“Mhm,” was all he responded. He looked away, deep in thought. Tobio still found it a little hard to believe that he was there. All he could do was stare and hope he didn’t disappear whenever he blinked.
Hinata sighed deeply before grabbing Tobio’s hands. He giggled before pressing a kiss to his knuckles. “Your hands are cold as ever, Kageyama.”
If Tobio’s eyes watered, he didn’t say.
Hinata didn’t let go of his hands. “I– hm. I love you, T-Tobio. I love you so much and I should’ve told you more back then. But I’ll tell you even more now. I love you.”
Tobio, once again, wrapped Hinata in a hug. He took this all in. He didn’t think he’d stop smiling for a long time.
“I love you too.”