Chapter Text
First Year:
Regulus approached the train. He did not know how to feel about the fabled Platform 9 and ¾. In a way, the place was already bittersweet. Standing among the throngs of people weeping and wailing their goodbyes, Regulus never felt more alone.
His mother and father stood beside him, looks of disdain carved into their stone faces. Sirius bounced beside him, already slipping lightyears away. Sirius, as if feeling his gaze, turned to Regulus with a beaming smile. Regulus could not help but flinch away from it.
In all the years Regulus had known him, he had seldom seen the pure joy on his brother’s face. In fact, he couldn’t fathom the emotion itself. The noble house of Black was a wretched place, and even little Reggie could admit that to himself. Devoid of warmth, full of stifling silence, and unarguably dampening.
It had only gotten worse as time went on. The brothers were attached at the hip in their youth. Sirius shone as bright as a star. Even when the shadows pressed down on him, he seemed invincible. He was a spitfire, a lion through and through. Regulus was always jealous of him. His brother, who for all his stupidity, all his immaturity, still managed to maintain an air of grandiosity.
Sirius was a star. You couldn’t help but be dazzled by him. He was bold and brave and refused to be molded. As much as Walpurga hexed him and cursed him, deep down she loved him more than she would ever love Regulus.
Even as a child, Regulus couldn’t help marvel at the cruelty of the universe. It had given him Sirius as a brother. A boy who burnt with the intensity of a thousand stars, a boy with a heart of gold.
And then there was Regulus. Regulus was never enough. He wasn’t enough for his parents. He wasn’t cruel enough to be Bella. He wasn’t cunning enough to be Cissy. He wasn’t strong-willed enough to be Andromeda. Not brave enough to be Sirius. He wasn’t ambitious enough. He wasn’t even enough to make Sirius write back or stay through the holidays.
Whatever he was, he was smart. His mother would let Sirius get away with his antics because at least he had the balls to do it. Deep down, his mother admired that spirit. As much as Sirius would deny it, it was the pureblood way. Never bend, never give in. God knows Regulus didn’t have that. He could never be Andromeda or Sirius, and he never wanted to be Bella. He didn’t want to leave his family, he didn’t want to be in his family either. He didn’t know what he wanted exactly. That was always his problem. It was Cissy’s problem too.
He was jostled out of his thoughts by his brother, as he pulled Regulus onto the train. He looked back and immediately wished he hadn’t as his mother’s words flooded into him. He was the spare. He was the Plan B in case Plan A failed. His mother hadn’t given up on Sirius, but one’s an accident, two is failure. He had to uphold the family reputation. The whole pressure of that request fell on his shoulders as he met his parents eyes one last time before the train pulled out of the station.
Sirius seemed more than amicable. He pulled his brother into a compartment, already occupied by Potter, Lupin, and Pettigrew. Upon seeing them, resentment coiled up Regulus’s throat. These were them. The boys that had taken his brother from him. The boys that led Sirius astray. The reason his brother closed his door now at home. The reason he only ever saw Sirius 2 weeks out of the year. This wouldn’t do.
His mother’s words reverberated in his ears as he was forced to take a seat. A braver boy would leave, would yell at them. “How dare they?” How dare they sit there and laugh together, while he was trapped alone at home.
However, he was only Regulus, and so he did none of these things. He simply sat there, a frown beginning to spread across his face.
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The Sorting:
His hands were clammy. He never sweats.
His breathing was uneven. He practiced breathing.
His name is called. This is it. He had to be in Slytherin. He had to. After his brother, they couldn’t afford anything else. Avoiding his cousin’s eyes, he accidentally caught Sirius’s gaze. What would happen now? Surely, Sirius would understand. Surely, he would realize that no house is evil. Surely, he wouldn’t hate his little brother for something as stupid as a house? No. Regulus never hated Sirius for Gryfinndor. The thought was absurd.
His name was called and he ended up on the stool much sooner than he anticipated.
“Another Black.”
Was the hat speaking to him?
“Smart. Undeniably. No, not Gryffindor.”
Regulus felt a pang at that. He knew it was the last place he would be. But hearing it was confirmation that he was nothing like his brother.
“Cunning, but curious. Potential for greatness. Where to put you? Ravenclaw would suit you well. But, I see something else. A softness, yes, but a thirst to prove yourself. To prove you are enough. Well then, it better be...”
SLYTHERIN!
Regulus stood, numb. He walked over to the Slytherin table, but not before trying to catch Sirius’s eyes. The hat had said nothing about evil. Andromeda was a Slytherin. It had said he was smart, he was cunning, he was curious. Nothing about that was shameful. “A thirst to prove yourself.” Well, Sirius had that too.
Sirius’s eyes met his and Regulus’s heart broke for the first time. Their eyes broke apart as he sat next to his cousins. Bella was laughing and boasting loudly about her baby cousin. Regulus shrank further down. If Bella was happy, he must be doing something wrong. Narcissa moved to sit next to him, slipped her hand into his and squeezed. She smiled at him so tenderly that he was convinced she must know about his traitorous thoughts, but if Cissy was here too, how bad could it be.
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3 weeks into first year:
Bad. He decided. Bad. He didn’t hate his house. He took pride in it even. Not everyone was abhorrent. He was amenable enough. He made friends and he loved his classes. Regulus had always loved to learn, to study, and to do well. (One of the main differences between him and his brother.) Regulus learned that books didn’t demand anything of you in return for their company. Even in his childhood when he had his brother, he was seldom seen without his nose in a book.
But, he would’ve given it all up. His newfound friendships, maybe even his whole life, just for a few words from his brother. It wasn’t fair. Sirius had a new house, new friends, a new life, and he had left Regulus behind once already. Now, finally they could be friends at Hogwarts and Sirius hated him already.
Regulus tried. He did. Time and time again, but Sirius was never alone and he was never around.
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Christmas:
His brother had softened towards him. If only a little, it was enough that Reggie could breathe. Christmas rolled around and Regulus was excited to have Sirius to himself for once. Of course, it took about a week until Sirius pissed of mother and found an excuse to leave.
Regulus knew to expect it by now.
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End of first year:
Whatever the Black brothers had repaired by Christmas came undone in the aftermath. Sirius had once been the protector. Now, with him here one minute and gone the next, mother had to find a new punching bag.
Regulus never got hexed as much as Sirius did. He didn’t have to. Regulus understood. He was polite to a fault. Cordial, but never affectionate. He was once. Not anymore. He couldn’t afford it.
He felt it again. Expectations and the weight meant for 2 brothers, left to be shouldered by one. Regulus loved his brother, but Regulus began to hate him too.