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On certain days, perhaps days filled with hardship or far too many annoyances, his thoughts would drift to a place he nary allowed them to, closing his eyes as he was lost in daydreams of a lovesick fool who ruined all he touched.
He would dream of a boy with long white hair and scarlet eyes, who swore to protect him above all else, who promised to love him like no other, who filled him with a joy for life he had not known to exist prior.
He would dream of a love lost to time and pain, of his failure to protect as he was protected, his failure to love as he was loved.
He would dream of fear, of hatred, of darkness ruling him, of falling into a pit only for a pale hand to grasp his, smiling down at him with those lovely eyes that bore into his soul, that could read his every thought before he voiced it.
One such night crept upon him not long after his failure to kill the Traveller and his realisation of the world he lived in.
He drifted into sleep that night, perhaps too stressed or too tired or too angry to force his thoughts a certain direction.
He had been a light sleeper nearly all his life, more so after meeting that person for those quiet nights in his chambers.
His eyes slowly blinked open, a warm presence at his back. And instantly he knew. He knew the one he loved was with him, holding him as he had been held so many years ago.
“Morning.”
“You..." Shock coloured his voice. "You can’t be here.” And it was true. It wasn’t possible. He knew as much.
“Mm, you always did say such silly things, Aster Blossom.”
The name, which he had not heard in years, stirred feelings within him. Feelings that had not been present since long ago, not even being stirred by the blossoms, such as they did not grow in the frigid place he now resided in.
“How are you here?”
“Ah, again with the silly things. Should the answer matter so much? Does it not matter more, Aster Blossom, that I am here at all?”
The question was one he did not know the answer to and thus, he said nothing at all.
A laugh sounded, so familiar and yet ever so slightly different. It was then he realised there were details that he had forgotten, though he wasn’t sure when. The laugh, the feeling of hands on his body, the feeling of warmth as he leaned into a kind embrace. He knew what these things were meant to feel like, could remember feeling them even, but his body no longer truly remembered them. They were but a ghost in his memory.
“I… I’ve missed you.” The truth, he thought, was harmless here, in a place with the one he loved and the one he loved alone, no prying eyes or listening ears to force their silence. And even so, it was difficult to force from his throat.
“I’ve missed you more than you can know.” A gentle hand stroked his face. In that mere moment, he felt more comforted, more cherished, more loved than he had in years.
It was a feeling that, while he would never admit it, not even to himself, that he loved more than anything else.
One question, even through the haze of love, broke through his mind. “How long are you here for?”
“As long as you wish me to be,” came the response.
“What does that mean?” Anger seeped into his voice, bringing it closer to his usual tone. “Will you leave when I do? Will you leave if I tell you to? Will you come back?”
“Whatever you wish,” the response came again.
“You are insufferable,” he hissed. The laugh sounded again, still not quite perfect.
“Ah, but you love me.”
He had no answer for that. Not one that wouldn’t allow further weakness in him. “Tell me, then. How are you here, when I left you there so long ago to die?”
“Die? Have you thought me dead this whole time?”
“I didn’t know what to think. I left before I could learn of your fate. At first, I had hope you were alive, with the letters you sent. When they stopped, I assumed She had found you.”
“My silly Aster Blossom… you have always worried far too much about me. Was that not meant to be my job?”
“Tch. You can’t blame me for worrying about you when simply being near me puts you in danger.”
“Danger I have promised to protect you from, my darling. Or do you not remember?”
He again had no answer. “I don’t wish to speak any longer.”
“No? Then do you want?”
“Just…” He sighed in annoyance. The fool knew exactly what he wanted and yet… It had been the same all those years ago too. “Just stay quiet.”
“I’m at your command, love. If you wish my silence, my silence you shall have.”
“And yet, you still speak,” he grumbled. The laugh, the laugh that sounded so right and yet so, so wrong, sounded again.
“Very well. Sleep in peace, Aster Blossom. I will protect you through the night.”
When he awoke to the shining sun, he for a moment thought he was in the Palace of Eternity once more, his Maple Leaf having slipped off before he could be noticed, only to show up minutes later with a warm smile and greeting as though they had not been together all the night long.
As details slowly filled in through his fuzzy vision, he came to his senses, realising where he truly was. Zapolyarny Palace, in quarters filled with things belonging to him and him only, alone as he always was.
For only a moment, he dared to allow himself the melancholy of sadness and hope, allowed himself the weakness of love and longing, allowed himself the sense of missing the one who he so often banished from his every thought.
It was days like those, he thought, which were the worst. When the guilt ate at him, when those around him trembled at his mere presence, when his heart ached for the poem written upon it.
When weakness infiltrated him and he dared to hope.