Archive of Our Own

"What if I say...that I want to come with you?"

Sasuke looked at the once proud kunoichi fix her gaze on the ground, shyness that he didn't see since he left for the first time obvious and not hidden. It was hard to imagine that the girl who bravely fought during the last war was blushing in front of him, considered a criminal not so long ago. 

"My sins have nothing to do with you."

Because they did not. She hadn't been there when he wanted the world to hurt just like him, when he wanted the world to shatter like he had been. Up until their last fight together, in the same team once again and for one last time, the only image he had of her was the pre-teenage girl with a massive crush on a boy she barely knew if it weren't for a few missions together. 

He didn't want to think about how he had trusted her back then, and she probably did too, until the kunai she once held to protect him was directed toward him, the poison ready to consume his soul, only to be blocked by the thunder that wasn't supposed to be used against friends. 

(Only, they weren't friend nor allies anymore, back then, he remembered.)

No matter how much she had seen or how much she had been hurt, Sakura would probably never understand him fully. She would never know how it was like to be woken up by the sound of her mother's body meeting the ground in her nightmares, being resolved to kill the last of her kin and live a life that wasn't nothing but lies from the very beginning. 

She wouldn't understand and Sasuke wasn't mad at her for it, for he didn't want her to know. She deserved to be surrounded by people who could give her what she needed, the illusion of him she had been in love with, because he could not and would not do it.

So he pushed his fingers on her forehead, promising her that maybe, next time.

He pushed her away from the broken mess his heart was, away from the darkness he saw in the shinobi world, just like his brother had pushed him away from the truth for so long in an attempt to protect him.

And maybe one day they'd surpass this gap, maybe one day he wouldn't feel the need to push her away and she'd see more to him than the dream of a pretty boy. And maybe that day, they'd be friends and entrust each others once again, if they ever could.

Sasuke held on the used headband Naruto gave him, eyes hard and determined. 

The gaze of a winner. Because he won and I lost. 

He could remember the feeling of the fabric around his forehead even though he didn't wear it for so long, the pride of finally becoming a shinobi in the village his family once protected, followed by nausea when he was reminded that they could not see his achievement still fresh in his memory. 

He knew he couldn't wear it ever again, because the feeling of betrayal and the blood of his kin were still fresh in the soils of this village. He didn't need to wear the very proof of what they did to them around his head. 

"When will you come back?" Naruto asked, his gaze softening. 

The gaze of someone he called a friend. Because Naruto told him he shared his pain, because Naruto had tried to understand him. 

(And maybe he couldn't imagine everything. Maybe they weren't as similar as he thought they were, because as much as their place could have been reversed, Naruto wouldn't know how it would be to have to deal with the consequences of the action Sasuke did.)

But Naruto had believed in him when he didn't believe in himself anymore. And Naruto had asked him to live when he had been ready not to. 

"I don't know. I need time."

Naruto sighed, not wanting to be away of his friend for so long again. Nonetheless, he nodded. 

"Just know that you can come back whenever you want. It's your home, after all."

And Sasuke didn't lower his gaze, he didn't need to fight any urge to scream or cry. He knew that he didn't need that to be heard anymore. 

"Konoha stopped being my home the day I lost my family, Naruto. I will protect it if needed, but I can't consider this place as such."

Naruto didn't frown, or cry either. He knew that he didn't have to fight against his friend on the subject anymore. Things were different.

"I know," he admitted, his heart clenching at the thought of his friend hurting. "But you can always come back to Team Seven. And I'll change Konoha. I'll make it better, I won't let anyone fall where we had to fall- I'll make it home for every citizen. For you, too."

And Sasuke believed Naruto.

His first trip lasted several months, and the loneliness, only interrupted by painful thoughts and memories, helped him clear his head a lot. By the time he came back to the village- an order from Kakashi, even if he doubted that there had been a loud blond and a persistent pink-haired behind it as well- Konoha had been getting better. The physicals scars of the war were slowly getting less and less visible, though nobody could forget it yet. Or ever.

"How has it been going?" Kakashi had asked when he gave him his report. 

"Fine." had been his answer. 

Kakashi wasn't any more expressive with his two eyes visible, but with time and the experience of someone who had to hide his emotions away for too long, Sasuke could read him. Not that Kakashi tried to hide his feelings toward him. 

Kakashi didn't trust Sasuke. Big deal. 

The way he looked at him, spoke to him- or even the words he told him when he decided to leave for a redemption journey. He didn't trust him. 

And maybe pre-teen Sasuke, who had been told by Kakashi that he would protect him with his life, who naively wished he could choose to stay with his friends, would have been hurt by the realisation.  He, who thought Kakashi would understand him- because he also lost loved ones, because he knew his situation the best- would have been hurt. 

His teenage self, who saw Kakashi as nothing more than a non-Uchiha bearing his family's legacy, maybe not even better than Danzo himself until he heard the tale of Uchiha Obito, would have laughed. When Kakashi had been ready to use the chidori- 'you must never use this against your friends'- against him, he knew his positions. 

Now- now, it didn't matter. After all this time, where Naruto had tried to understand him and Sakura ready to love him again, Kakashi probably thought of Sasuke's past self as a revenge obsessed brat. 

So Kakashi wouldn't forgive him. Because he was a shinobi before he was a teammate, no matter what he taught during their first lesson. Kakashi Hatake would chose to protect the system that had failed them, rather than fighting against it for his friends. 

̶(̶B̶u̶t̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶o̶k̶a̶y̶.̶ ̶S̶a̶s̶u̶k̶e̶ ̶c̶o̶u̶l̶d̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶g̶i̶v̶e̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶s̶e̶l̶f̶ ̶e̶i̶t̶h̶e̶r̶.̶)̶

So now, it didn't matter. Kakashi wouldn't trust him like he had trusted his twelve-years old self. And Sasuke wouldn't trust him with his life, like he would have back then. 

(And he had to pretend he didn't care when Kakashi asked him to join them at Ichiraku's, and told him to take a break from whatever journey he was on.

'You've been hurt enough, you deserve to catch a break too.'

It took him everything to convince himself that he didn't care about how this sentence would have been followed by Kakashi ruffling his hand if he hadn't lost his trust. Because this time, Kakashi didn't even wait for him to answer.)

"You...want us to join you?" 

The 'once again' was left unsaid and yet heavily hung in the air. Juugo and Suigetsu looked at him with questioning eyes.

"I'm proposing. It's up to you whether you want to come or not."

Naruto had been harassing him- asking him to stop punishing himself and talking about how he didn't need any more loneliness. So Sasuke had gotten a permission from Kakashi- still eager and stiff, like a Hokage should react toward an old criminal- to bring back his old team in order to defend Konoha and the shinobi world more efficiently. 

'I need them.' he had said, and he had to ignore Naruto's hurt expression and Sakura avoiding his gaze. He didn't even care to read into Kakashi's. 

Contrary to Seven, who saw Konoha as their home, Taka had nowhere to call as such. They had been by Orochimaru's side for too long (as nothing more than experiments in the boys cases.) And maybe that's why he related to them. The only place they could go back to was the place holding their worst nightmares. Sasuke had been offered the chance to get away from his hell, it was only fair to offer them the same thing.

"If you want me to, you know I'll follow you," Juugo said, a small smile on his face. 

Suigetsu had been silent for a few more seconds, most likely thinking about a smart-ass reply rather than thinking about the question. Because Sasuke already knew his answer.

"Yeah yeah whatever. You don't get to control us this time, though, understood?"

He acknowledge the silent 'thank you' by muttering a small 'sure'. 

"A reunion without me I see," he heard Karin say from behind them.

And he knew she had heard them without even having to read into her expression. She probably sensed him long before he came, and listened to everything.

"Yeah, it would have been hard to have a conversation with you drooling over Sasu-"

Suigetsu had been cut by a Kunai Karin sent on his face, exploding in a splash of water. 

"Karin," Sasuke greeted her. 

It had been a long time since he had seen her, last time had been during the war, which means-

"You dumbass!" she screamed, hitting him on the head. "Couldn't you have showed up before? Do you know how scared we were when we heard Konoha"- she spat the word like an insult- " took you? For fuck's sake, Suigetsu shat himself thinking they'd execute or something!"

A new wave of culpability hit him, because he hadn't thought of it. He thought they'd be better off without him, since they didn't need each others anymore.

(They did-)

He ignored Suigtesu arguing about how he didn't care about it, only to be cut by Karin's feet in his head. 

"I'm sorry," he said, sincerity making the words lighter and almost inaudible. 

"Sorry won't cut it, boy! Also, you better have an explanation about why I'm not being asked to join the group again!"

He knew she was trying to hide her insecurities with the loud shouts, like he hid his broken heart with anger, back then. The 'don't you need me anymore' was as loud as the rest of her words, even though she didn't pronounce them. 

"You can join, if you want to."

It wasn't the answer she wanted, and he knew it. But he couldn't ask her to come back like this, not when last time-

(Sa-suke...)

"If you don't want me to come," she said, red eyes hardening, "just say so. I can take it, don't drag me with you just because I asked nicely."

Sensing that the topic was getting more personal, Juugo calmly lead Suigetsu out of the room. 

"I do. Only if you want to."

"But do you want me to?" Karin asked, getting closer. Not to an uncomfortable extent- she had learnt to respect his boundaries a little bit more, even if she was still too touchy from time to time.

Sasuke didn't move.

"That's not about what I want. I just can't ask you to trust me again."

Last time she did, he hurt her. Used her. 

It wasn't the same as Sakura, who had tried to kill him first, back then. Or like Kakashi. They hadn't been by his side. The could have killed each other- they weren't allies, and he hardly saw a friend in the sharingan bearer last time. 

But Karin had been his ally- his teammate. She had trusted him. 

Apparently, Karin didn't see things from the same point of view. 

"I already forgave you."

"I didn't."

She had forgiven a simple "sorry", as if what he did didn't matter. He wondered if she would have had the same reaction toward Juugo or Suigetsu.

(She wouldn't have. For some unknown reasons, people tend to like him and forgive him for things he couldn't. It was almost simpler with Kakashi, because he could deal with hate or mistrust easier than with love.)

"Sasuke- you are a dumbass."

"Ah. Thanks."

She face palmed, throwing herself on the sofa Orochimaru had installed some times ago in the basement. 

"What you did was fucked up, okay. I know it, mind you. You seem to forget that I can read chakra- I could read yours back then. It had been-" she stopped a second, fixing her glasses. "Yeah, you already know I guess with everything that had happened. But I've decided to forgive you. I don't have to, but I did. Don't ask me why, it's not up to me. I just can't hate you."

And he listened. If it weren't for her weird crush thing on him, she was pleasant to talk to most of time, and she had clear and smart ideas. Sometimes, it reminded her of Sakura- probably because she was the only other girl he had ever trusted with his life before, because their personalities were far too different. 

"So yeah I don't care about you forgiving yourself or not, you just said it wasn't about you. You, Juugo and that other dumbass are the only ones I've ever called teammates, even if you were all kind of fucked up and filled with murder intent. I guess that we need each other more than we think. And you need us too."

You need us. 

It wasn't about needing them in a life or death situation. They were all strong enough individually and could defend themselves. It was more about how Juugo and his birds, Suigetsu and Karin's bickering and his own brooding self were needed for each other. They were all too similar- more than Seven.

Because where Naruto, Kakashi and Sakura could live in Konoha and feel safe, Taka didn't have this. They only knew how to travel from place to place, trying to stop Juugo from going bersek and killing people, or Suigetsu from engaging with random people. The only comfort they knew was watching Karin verbally fight with girls who tried to flirt with their youngest member and Sasuke being confused at some of their joke and watching Suigetsu and Karin bickering.

They were each other's home, even if they would never admit it. It just felt natural to be around them, because they had seen each others at their weakest. They didn't have rules to follow or to break for each other, since they had none.

"Yeah, I need you," he admitted, the words a direct echo to those he had told her years ago.

While they had settled to live like the old times at first, travelling from one inn to another, they decided to settle down to a fixed place at some point. It had been because of Karin complaining about how she was tired of having to pack all her beauty products every time they had to leave, backed up by Suigetsu complaining for having to walk too much. 

So they decided to rest in a small cabin in a forest, close to Konoha- since they wanted to keep an eye out for the newly reformed team, once considered as threats- without it being uncomfortable. 

The place wasn't exactly too small- they had two rooms, a bathroom, a living space and a little kitchen. Since it was safer for Juugo to stay in the same room as Sasuke, Karin had almost had a breakdown about having to share with Suigetsu. Not because he was a boy- she had seen him naked too many times to find it uncomfortable, due to her duties as Orochimaru's warden- but because it was Suigetsu. 

(She stopped throwing tantrums when Sasuke announced that if it didn't please her, they could go back to their old habits.)

At some point, Naruto, Sakura and Kakashi came to visit them. 

"Oh Sasuke, we have guests! It's the model Konoha ninjas!"

Naruto had glared at Suigetsu for his words, and the latter just shrugged. Naruto didn't like Suigetsu- or any of the other three members of Taka for the record. Sasuke didn't know if it was because of their acts back then or because Naruto had some kind of jealousy problems. 

Suigetsu didn't enjoy the Konoha nins either. While Juugo and Karin disapproved of their actions, Suigetsu was openly disgusted. He had called Sasuke names several times for calling it a 'redemption journey' when his actions were justified, for him. 

'If I had to deal with those who killed my brother, I wouldn't feel bad about it. You had every rights to be mad, even if you kinda went overboard at some point yeah. I mean- destroying a village? Meh. But it's not like you wanted to do it for fun. Konoha is full of bullshit. Will of fire- will of my ass, yeah.'

That was what Suigetsu had told him, before breaking into a fight with Karin about something that included an expensive moisturiser. He didn't tend to get Sasuke's bond with Naruto, but he hadn't expected him to. 

"Well, hello. I've seen you didn't want to come to the village any times soon and those two," Kakashi said, pointing at the nosy duo as if they were his toddlers," wouldn't stop talking about so I brought them there."

"Yeah Sas'ke, you asshole! You said you'd come back but look at you all cozy and all!" Naruto screamed, attaching his arm around Sasuke's shoulders. 

He almost sounded hurt about the statement, and it would have been hard to tell with the bright smile on his face if Sasuke hadn't known him better. 

"Cozy? Nah." Suigetsu chimed in, "Not a great cook either, by the way. This guy doesn't know shit about seasoning."

None of the three Konoha ninjas had eaten his cooking, except for when they found fish or meat during long missions and he used his katon to cook it. He didn't know if Suigetsu knew about it, but this difference between the two teams seemed to annoy Naruto a little bit more, if his eyes and his grip on him tightening were to be trusted. 

Sensing the tension in the room, Suigetsu waved his hand and made his way toward the kitchen. "Whatever, I'm gonna make sure that Karin doesn't poison my food or somethin', you know her, she's crazy when it's her turn. And maybe tell her to make a bigger portion for the guests, too."

The tension remained a few more seconds, before Naruto finally let Sasuke go and sat on the couch. 

"It's a nice place, Sasuke-kun," Sakura said, observing the decorative pillows Karin got them during a trip to a small village in the Lands of wind, complimenting their handwork. "And you look..."

Fine, was the word she almost chose. 

"-better," she finally said. "Healthy too, though I'd like to run a few check-ups on you and your teammates, if you don't mind," she chuckled.

She look more comfortable around him, although still shy. He didn't know if the presence of the rest of Taka in the house was the reason, but her smile looked a little bit more forced. Like those a civilian would be thought from a young age to look like a nice and sweet little girl. 

"Yeah. I do." 

Then, after an awkward silence, he added:

"And thank you. Though I don't know if Karin will enjoy it, she'll say that she can heal herself."

Sakura's shoulders tensed at the other girl's name. 

"Say, Sasuke-kun...do they have anything to do with your sins?"

He blinked, trying to process the question. 

"No. They don't. My sins are mine, I'm the one who should deal with them."

To his surprise, the answer caused her eyes to join his, eyebrows frowned in an expression that was hard to read. Was it anger, or sadness? 

"Then why do you- why did you chose them over us?"

The question came in a rush, and she blushed for putting it that way. Right next to her, Kakashi looked at him with his usual neutral face, and Sasuke decided to take it as disappointment for hurting her.

It was easier to deal with things he was used to. 

I didn't. He wanted to say. 

And he saw her tighten her hands in a fist- the same hands that once healed him and held him down in the Forest of Death, and the same hands that tried to kill him. 

"You have a place to call home. We don't," he said, instead. 

"Sasuke," Naruto chimed in from his place, before getting up. "You can come back to Konoha whenever you want, you know that, right? We've been working about the village politics together with Kakashi-sensei too, you know! Like right now, we are discussing about the whole Hyuuga seal thing and all!"

It wasn't the same 'come back home' he had heard thousands of times before. Naruto knew why he couldn't bring himself to feel safe in Konoha. And Naruto's last sentence brought some warmth to him. Whatever happened to his own clan could be a sensitive topic right after a war, but he was happy that other clans were getting justice, at least. 

Then, he saw Sakura taking a step towards him. 

"Team Seven could have been your home, too."

Her sentence made him imagine it. He tried to picture Naruto bursting into a puddle to escape their teammates wrath. He tried to imagine Kakashi's steady fingers brushing his bang out of face to cut his hair like Juugo, or even Sakura forcing him to be her model while she tried different make up products on his face.

But he couldn't. Because Seven would never been anything like Taka, and Taka would never be like Seven either. 

He would never have a fight with anyone like he had with Naruto, nor would he let anyone hold his hands like Sakura did when he suffered. After a brief look at Kakashi's unresponsive face, he realised that Kakashi had been the first adult he had trusted after a long time, and nobody could change anything to that. 

Taka was home, because Taka wasn't Konoha.

"I...you are important for me, too."

The statement took Sakura aback, since her face turned a few shades darker, and Naruto actually stopped fidgeting. 

"I just...Konoha...I can't live there."

Images of his brother, thirteen at the time, cutting down his parents for the village painted his vision whenever he closer his eyes when he was there. Stepping on the ground felt like stepping on his relatives'- family's, kin's- blood. 

"I...I'm sorry, Sasuke-kun. I shouldn't have said it...that way," Sakura said after the realisation hit her. "It's just that...I miss you, you know. I did since the first day you left for Orochimaru. I wished we could just go back to the team we used to be, but it had been silly from me to imagine that things would go back to normal."

A shaky breath escaped her lips and he saw Kakashi's hand on her shoulders.

(When had been the last time the elder had touched him in a soothing way?)

"You're still a part of team seven, like it or not! Sure, Yamato-sensei and Sai are too, even if is kinda annoying with his remarks and all but you-" Naruto's index finger was resting on his chest-" will always be a part of our home as well, understood?"

It took a few seconds for Sasuke to process all these words, but he nodded. His mouth felt dry.

"I want to do missions with you again, you know. I-I got better, and stronger too, I wouldn't even need you," Sakura lightly laughed, "but I want us to do these things again. Even if it's just D ranks. It just feels wrong, without you."

And suddenly, he felt hands cupping his cheeks and green eyes met his own mismatched ones. He didn't know where she found that confidence, nor how she held herself from blushing.

Hands that held a kunai at hi-

"We all did questionable things," she said, softly. "You've been hurt too much, Sasuke-kun. Stop punishing yourself. You deserve to be happy, for you own sake."

'For your own sake.' It was the first time he thought about it. Because even if all his motives were caused by feelings he felt deep inside of him, he did them for others. For the fallen Uchiha, for Mother, Father and Itachi. 

"Maa ma, look at you being all emotional, you're almost gonna make the boys cry, Sakura," Kakashi chuckled, before passing a hand through his hair.

Naruto opened his mouth to say something, but had been cut by the voices coming from the kitchen.

"Suigetsu I swear if you touch anything one more time I'll boil you and use you for my ramen! Dumbass!"

"Yeah? I'll see you try, goth vampire!"

"Vampire? I don't bite people, I let them bite me you dumb bitch!"

"Guys! Stop!"

Sasuke sighed. They'd better not make Juugo lose control.

"It's...noisy. Sounds a lot like us back then, don't they?" Sakura asked, before realising her position. 

Her hands were still around Sasuke's face, and the boy was looking straight to her. She jumped a few meters behind, blushing and mumbling uncontrollably. 

"Come back sometime, yeah? It's good to have you around us," Kakashi then said, his hand hesitantly making its way to the top of Sasuke's head. 

He didn't mess with his hair or anything. But the warmth of his hand was enough for the boy to look aside and hide a blush to Naruto's enjoyment. 

"Sto- oh fuck! Sasuke! Juugo's having an episode!"