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Theo, she whispers, and Theo doesn’t run, doesn’t hide, doesn’t do anything. Theo, she whispers, and Theo stays right where he is, closing his eyes as he feels her hand on his chest. Theo, she whispers, and it’s the last thing he hears before his body gives up, and the first thing he hears when he wakes up again in that dark room.
Over and over and over and over. Because this isn’t a here for a lifetime kind of thing, it’s a here for eternity kind of thing, and Theo’s accepted that a while ago. Accepted it the twenty-seventh time Tara ripped out his heart, because after that he stopped counting.
Theo, she whispers, but this time, she doesn’t make it to him, doesn’t get the chance to rip his heart out again. Doesn’t get to him because all of a sudden, light floods through from above and Theo climbs, pulls himself out with a desperation that feels so distant, feels like it might not even be a part of him anymore.
He sees another person besides Tara for the first time in months and it claws at him, reminds him that he’s alive again, that he’s not there.
But then again, he still is, because everytime he hears his name, he’s back down there. Theo, someone says, and his eyes close instinctively for a second. Theo, someone says, and there’s a burn in his chest that won’t leave, an ache so brutal that he starts to not even feel it.
And Scott says send him back and Liam says he’s my responsibility, but all Theo knows is you don’t have to stop. All Theo knows is you’re barely human and he thinks yes. Thinks I know, I know, I know.
The pack doesn’t trust him, keeps him an arm’s length away, and he can’t blame them. Knows that he’s a monster and barely human and everything Scott McCall and his pack despise, and so they watch him with accusation and suspicion in their eyes and he doesn’t fight back. Lets them think what they want, lets them be wary of his every move because it’s what he deserves, because he has to be a special kind of evil to get sent to hell and have his heart ripped out for eternity. He has to be a horrifying kind of evil to get that punishment, so he knows that he is.
And then he’s back at the hospital, and every step reminds me of Theo and you don’t have to stop and that ache in his chest that doesn’t leave him alone. Every step reminds him that he’s still back in hell, reminds him that he’s a kind of evil that doesn’t deserve a second chance, doesn’t deserve forgiveness. Because then Liam says I think you were rotting down there and you deserved it and here’s the person that pulled him out telling him that he deserved to be in hell. The person who saved him indirectly telling him that maybe he shouldn’t have.
But then Liam saves him again and it feels a little like I think you were rotting down there but I’m not letting you die even though Theo knows Liam is just good and wouldn’t let anyone die. But it still takes him by surprise because why is the beta of the alpha he killed saving him? He doesn’t deserve that but Liam does it anyway, and so when they’re standing in the hallway in front of the Ghost Riders, Theo makes the decision before he can even really think about it.
I’m gonna use you as bait, Liam had said, and as the elevator doors close, Theo turns around with a small smirk. Thinks: okay.
And Theo doesn’t know if he’s gonna make it out alive, but at least the person who saved him will be okay, and that’s all he thinks about as he fights and fights and fights. He doesn’t know if he’ll be alive at the end of this, but he still fights.
He makes it out alive.
And soon, the Ghost Riders are gone, and the pack goes back to their lives. Theo thinks that someone will care where he goes, but they don’t. Not Scott, not Stiles, not Liam. And when none of them come to find him, when none of them talk to him, who else is there to say his name?
Tara still says it, every night in his cold truck, when Theo’s struggling to turn his mind off and at least get an hour of sleep. He closes his eyes and Tara whispers his name in the dark. Pulls out his heart and whispers his name, and that’s when Theo wakes up, his chest on fire.
But eventually—after Theo doesn’t hear anyone say his name for months—she slowly stops saying it too. It gets replaced with her bitter smirk and apathetic eyes, like she knows that not saying his name makes it worse. Because he’s been an innominate shell of bones walking around Beacon Hills ever since the Ghost Riders were defeated, but this just cements it in stone.
He walks into the grocery store, immediately heads to the back to the bathroom, not even sparing a glance at the startled woman that he brushes past in one of the aisles. He knows what he looks like, knows that he probably looks half dead.
Standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom, the probably morphs into a definitely in his head.
His thin sweater is wrinkled and a little too faded, the blue appearing gray in the fluorescent lights. His skin is pale and almost sickly, which should be concerning as a supernatural, but Theo ignores it, not keen on spending too much time thinking about what his body needs. His usually styled hair has grown out since he came back from hell—Theo not having the energy or the money to get it cut—and the strands flop down messily onto his face.
His face is the worst of it all, and Theo lets out a silent snort as he understands why the lady outside had given him such a horrified look. The bags under his eyes are far too dark to be normal as a chimera and makes him look like he hasn’t slept in months, which, when he thinks about it, is the fucking truth. His cheeks are hollow and Theo doesn’t let his eyes linger on them for too long, another crack of something rattling through his chest.
But then Theo meets his own eyes in the mirror and he freezes, before placing his hands on the edge of the sink and leaning forward slightly. He stares into his gray, sunken, practically dead eyes and swallows thickly.
“Theo,” he whispers at his own reflection, but his own fucking name sounds foreign in his mouth, the taste of it bitter and acidic. But this is him, the person staring back in that mirror is him, it’s fucking him. “Theo Raeken,” he says a little louder, but the words barely register in his head, and he feels like he’s staring into the eyes of a stranger.
His gaze roams his face, travels down his neck and to his arms, until it hits the bottom of the mirror, and he flicks it back up to his eyes. “Theo,” he tries again, reminds himself that he’s Theo Raeken, but no one’s said his name in months. And all Theo heard down there was his name, but now he can’t recognize the face—the body—attached to it.
He stumbles back until his back hits the door and he slides down. His hands shake as he stares at them, remembers that these were the hands that killed Tara, and Josh, and Tracy, and Scott. A sharp pain bursts in his chest and he inhales a ragged breath, his lungs aching with the effort.
His hands keep trembling as Theo slowly brings one of them to his chest, his claws dropping as he does. Right over his heart, right over what Tara’s spent months pulling out of his body, because it never belonged to him, was never his. The pointed claws break skin, and Theo can feel a little blood drip down his body, pooling at his waist.
Theo pushes harder, the jumbled agony in his chest never diminishing, and he tilts his head back against the door as his vision grows blurry with unshed tears.
Theo, she whispers, but it tapers out at the end, fading out into the obscurity that he lives in now, and Theo slams his other hand on the ground as a strangled yell rips from his throat in desperation.
He pulls his claws out with a sound that brings back visceral memories and slams his palm down again, a choked sob leaving his lips. Blood runs down his hands and onto the floor, but he’s still stuck in a place he can’t escape, and he barely even feels the tears on his cheeks.
Th–
---
The town’s in shambles, and so Theo isn’t surprised when the pack starts acknowledging him again.
The thought runs through his head with a tinge of hostility that he has no right to feel, but it’s there either way, making him pull his nonchalant mask up when he’s finally in front of the pack again after months.
Somehow, he ends up with Liam again, and he follows him without a word, doesn’t question it any more than he questions how he’s still alive. The zoo is a chaotic mess in his head afterwards, but what he does remember, what is ingrained in him now, is the light in Liam’s eyes when he described his plan.
It’s a light that Theo hasn’t seen in years, because god knows his eyes aren’t capable of that, but Liam’s are, and all of a sudden, Theo decides that he needs to keep it there. Needs to save whatever he needs to save in order for Liam to be free, free of the guilt and the pain and the I don’t know who I am.
It’s a decision that he’s made before, back at the hospital with the Ghost Riders, but it’s heavier now, different now that Theo’s realized that maybe it’s too late to save himself. His mind flashes to the stranger he saw in that mirror at the grocery store, pallid and barely more than a haggard zombie, because he shouldn’t be alive. He’s in a transient state between dead and undead and he doesn’t know how much longer he’ll be there, but before he goes, he can at least put his entire body and mind towards saving someone that deserves it. It might be too late to save himself, but it’s not too late to keep Liam from falling down the same slippery slope he did, and that’s all he needs to do.
Which is why when he finds Liam halfway there, pressing Gabe’s face into the mirror, his instincts flare, and he forces his mask on before talking Liam down from the dangerous cliff he’s at the edge of. Crosses his arms, makes his voice light and aloof, and tells Liam all the things he knows the beta can’t handle hearing. Makes sure he emphasizes that Liam will have to work with him to pull it off, knowing that the beta would hate that more than anything—working together with the monster he pulled out of hell to commit a murder.
The mirror’s cracked when Liam steps away, but Theo still sees his own, dull eyes staring back at him and snaps his gaze to the beta before it pulls him in more. Liam asks why Theo keeps saving him and Theo can’t tell him the truth. Can’t tell him it’s too late for me but not for you. Can’t tell him my own name feels wrong to me, but saving you doesn’t. And so he deflects, and Liam forgets about it just like Theo knows he would. It’s easy to forget a nameless ghost, after all.
And then he’s in the tunnels with Mason, and he hates the fear he feels, hates that it’s not completely new to him anymore, because he feels it almost every night. But he keeps going, keeps pushing through. And then Mason gets hurt and everything comes crashing down.
Because this is Liam’s best friend, and if what Liam did to Gabe was after Mason got hurt, Theo doesn’t want to think about what would happen if Mason dies. He kneels in front of the human, and tries to do what he needs to.
It doesn’t work.
Theo’s brain is going haywire, trying to figure out why, but all of it comes to a dead stop when Mason opens his mouth and says you can’t take pain if you don’t care.
And Theo’s eyes flick up to the human, his mouth parting on a silent rebuttal. He doesn’t know what shows on his face, but he feels too weak to have his walls up, because you can’t take pain if you don’t care.
He can’t take pain, because he doesn’t care.
(He cares, he cares, he cares.)
He doesn’t care, he can’t take pain. How could someone like him ever think about someone besides himself? How could he put his heart on his sleeve enough to care when it’s not even his?
(He cares, he cares, he cares.)
Theo makes the decision to leave Beacon Hills that night.
---
Scott calls him right as he’s about to pass the sign marking the edge of the town, and Theo doesn't want to pick up, because if Scott’s calling him, it can only be because they need something from him.
He’s right, but he goes to the hospital anyway, because it’s Liam.
Maybe he doesn’t care, but he still wants to keep that light in Liam’s eyes. Maybe he doesn’t care, maybe he’ll stay this ephemeral penumbra after the fight, but he needs to save Liam first.
His body is overridden with adrenaline the whole journey up in the elevator, repeating please don’t let it be too late in his head over and over. Because it can’t be too late for Liam, it can’t.
It’s not.
Liam asks what he’s doing here and he wants to say saving you. Feels like breaking down and screaming I’m doing this for you, don’t you get it? Wants to lay it all on the line and plead say my name, please, maybe I’ll figure it out if it’s you saying it.
He says none of that.
And then he lies, pretending that he hasn’t decided months ago that he would willingly give his life to make sure Liam doesn’t have to. Because it’s too late for him. But not for Liam.
They fight, coordinated in a way that doesn’t feel as foreign as it should. And Theo pushes Liam in front of him, doesn’t protect him as much as he wants to, but it’s something. It doesn’t matter in the end, not when Gabe crawls across the hospital floor and leaves a bloody trail behind him, staining the white hospital floor with a red that Theo can’t forget.
(You can’t take pain if you don’t care.)
Theo makes his way to the pleading teenager, holding his shoulder.
(You can’t take pain if you don't care.)
He cares. He cares. He fucking cares.
The phantom black lines stay on his mind long after he places Gabe’s arm on the floor, long after the teenager’s eyes close, long after the battle ends.
He feels eyes on him but he keeps his on Gabe. Because it’s the same story, different time and different place, but it’s the same fucking story.
It’s too late for me, he thinks, because Gabe is dead.
He stands, trying to pretend that he can’t see the way his hands tremble as he does, and feels a heavy weight settle in his stomach. It’s over. And there’s no reason for Theo to be here anymore. Back to the ephemeral penumbra that doesn’t have a name, he concedes with resigned amusement in his head, before starting towards the elevator.
He doesn’t make it far.
“Theo,” a voice calls out and Theo stills, his hand spasming by his side.
(Say my name, please, maybe I’ll figure it out if it’s you saying it.)
“Theo, wait.”
Theo doesn't move, his feet not listening to his head, which is telling him to run, telling him that his heart isn’t his, he can’t care, he can’t do anything. But his body doesn’t listen to his head and it stands motionless as Liam catches up to him.
“Where are you going?” Liam asks as soon as he’s standing in front of Theo, and there’s a strand of his hair falling in his eyes and Theo has to clench his hands to stop himself from reaching up to brush it to the side.
Theo shrugs stiffly, his mind buzzing with the things he could say. Liam’s head tilts to the side, his eyes flitting across Theo’s face, like he’s looking for something, but Theo doesn’t know if he finds it. Because suddenly, Liam’s wrapping a hand around his wrist and pulling him into an empty room down the hallway.
He doesn’t speak, doesn’t know what the fuck he’d even say if he tries, just lets Liam manhandle him into the small room, watching as the beta flips the lights on.
“Theo,” Liam starts as soon as he closes the door and moves in front of Theo again, and Theo feels his face twitch in response. Something passes across Liam’s face, too quickly for Theo to read it, and he takes a step closer to Theo, who takes one back. But he’d already been too close to the wall, and his back hits the wall.
(It’s too late for me.)
“Are you okay?” Liam’s voice is soft, his brows furrowing in—in concern? Theo’s chest aches again, but he ignores it and jerks a nod, feeling hopelessly trapped, here between the wall and Liam. The beta’s lips twist down, his eyes flitting to Theo’s arms once before moving back to his face.
And Theo knows what Liam’s thinking about. But he doesn’t want to think about it, so he crosses his arms over his chest, hiding his bare forearms from Liam’s view.
Liam knows, of course he knows. “Theo, you don’t have to—” He breaks off with a sharp exhale, his jaw ticking. “Are you okay?”
He repeats the question in a way that makes it clear that Liam didn’t believe his answer the first time, and Theo bites his tongue roughly to stop himself from dropping his walls.
It doesn’t work.
“Yeah,” he says, but it’s not the same answer as the first time. Theo doesn’t stop his heart from skipping a beat and Liam’s face cracks wide open. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Theo’s heart barely has time to skip another beat before Liam’s moving forward, his arms wrapping around Theo’s waist and his head landing on Theo’s chest forcefully, sending Theo back into the wall with his momentum.
“Stop pretending, Theo,” Liam mutters into his chest, mutters right above his heart. And Theo’s noticed the way that Liam keeps saying his name, and his chest burns with the realization that Liam knows. Knows all the things that he’s held back for months, knows the way he’s so close to losing himself completely.
(Say my name, please, maybe I’ll figure it out if it’s you saying it.)
And so Theo drops his head onto Liam’s shoulder, the back of his eyes stinging as he closes them and pushes his face into Liam’s shirt as hard as he can. Liam takes it for the surrender it is, and pushes himself up a little, his head now on Theo’s shoulder, turned into his neck.
Theo thinks he might be trembling, can’t tell with how tightly Liam’s wrapped around him, but he can feel how shaky his breath is when it leaves his lips. Liam’s arms tighten around his waist before the beta pulls his head back, forcing Theo to lift his off his shoulder.
Liam’s bright blue eyes stare into his for a few silent moments and Theo doesn’t know what Liam sees in his eyes. Doesn’t know if he wants to know.
But then Liam tilts his head up slowly, brushing his lips against Theo’s, and Theo freezes. He pulls back as far as he can—still up against the wall—taking in a ragged breath.
(It’s too late for me. It’s too late for me. It’s too late for me.)
Liam follows him, one hand sliding up Theo’s arm to cup his neck and he’s moving closer again, his lips more insistent this time, and Theo—he wants to stop him, thinks he should—melts into it.
His hand flutters weakly on Liam’s hip as Liam presses in closer, tilting his head to deepen the kiss. It stays slow, doesn’t get aggressive like Theo expects it to, and the dull ache in his chest flares once.
Liam breaks the kiss, both of them panting against each other’s lips, and Theo’s eyes blink open slowly. The beta’s watching him carefully, and when he sees that Theo’s eyes are open, he slides the hand that’s still on Theo’s waist up to his chest, places it right above his heart, and studies Theo.
Theo’s heart stutters, in perfect harmony with his breath, and Liam’s expression softens.
“Theo,” Liam murmurs, his gaze pinning him in place, “Stay?”
(Say my name, please, maybe I’ll figure it out if it’s you saying it.)
His eyes burn again, but Theo swallows around the lump in his throat as his lips part. “Yeah,” he croaks out.
Something in Liam’s eyes brighten even more and it gives Theo the resolve he needs to say it again.
“Yeah, I’ll stay.”