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The Southern Water Tribe festival was everything Suki had ever imagined it to be.
There's laughter, and steaming hot food at every corner, and thousands of hanging lights that could probably outshine the stars above - it was almost like Kyoshi Memorial Day back at Kyoshi Island, except that the Memorial Day would be held in the middle of the summer, not in the dead of winter.
"Are you cold?" Zuko asks - well, complains - to her for what must be the thousandth time since they arrived. It hasn't even been an hour that they've been outside in the snow, and he's already snuggling into her like a polar bear dog cub. "Because I'm cold. I'm cold and heavy and - "
She laughs and buries her head on his shoulder, the kind of laugh that even made the cranky Fire Lord stop his complaints. It was true that both of them absolutely hated the cold. The Fire Lord and the Earth Kingdom Kyoshi Warrior in one of the coldest places in the world? Sounds like the perfect recipe for disaster. But of course, this trip was made obligatory by Uncle Iroh ("you need to relax a little, Zuko,") and the fact that Sokka was practically begging them to come home with him.
Speaking of which… "Hey, where's Sokka?"
"Probably with Katara," Zuko shrugs, scanning the festival grounds for him. "Or… not."
"What?" Suki asks, only to be met with the sight of Sokka surrounded by a group of laughing people in the distance. He seemed to be enjoying himself, probably exaggerating on his stories again. Typical, she affectionately thought, and she melted back into Zuko's shoulder. "Oh, let him be," she chided him softly. "He's probably dreamt of this moment for a long time."
"But I'm cold," Zuko whines. He doesn't act like this often - he usually has to be so mature and collected while doing his daily Fire Lord duties, something both Sokka and Suki grew to hate. So it gave her some comfort to know that Zuko was comfortable enough to act like the child he still is around her and Sokka, at least. "I want to go back to the ship and cuddle in front of the fireplace."
Suki raises her eyebrows at him, smirking. There's an urge for her to give his dried, cold lips a quick kiss, but public displays of affection weren't their thing - at least not yet. "Hmm, that does sound like a great idea."
"Let's go," he begs her, then whispers, "I'm scared of these people."
"You're literally the Fire Lord, Zuko."
"Um, the Fire Lord of a nation who waged a war on them for a hundred years?"
Suki sighs. "Okay." There's this whole conversation surrounding guilt and burden that she hadn't quite managed to have with him yet, but for now, she's standing up and holding his hand under the ridiculously thick layer of coat they're wearing, heading towards Sokka and his little group.
A small interrupting cough was enough to get his attention. Sokka's eyes brightened (as if that was still possible) and quickly dragged them into the circle, much to their dismay. "Guys, look who decided to come over!"
The group - mostly consisting of teenage girls, Suki realized - turned their attention to Sokka like a group of determined students. Or fans.
"Oh my, is that the Fire Lord?" One of them gawked. "The Fire Lord?"
Sokka nods proudly, rounding an arm over Zuko's awkward posture. "Yep!"
"Hi. Zuko, here." Suki almost laughed at how nervous he sounded, in contrast to how whiny he had been a few minutes ago. "I, uh. Yeah. Hello."
The group started chattering almost immediately, overtaking the two boys like a swarm of excited kids over a new toy. "He looked so much better than in those posters!"
"And exactly like the painting I saw from one of the merchants! I told you all he was hot!"
"If I know the Fire Lord was this handsome, I'd let him take me as a prisoner."
Suki almost gasps audibly at that, while the other girls chide one of them lightly, though also laughing over it. She gave Zuko a quick glance - he had turned from nervous to uncomfortable quick. And that was the sign for them to leave.
"Hey, you two, come on," she tugs on their hands urgently, hoping Sokka would understand the message. "Sorry, girls, but we have to get back now. Show's over."
"Who are you supposed to be?" one of them asked, with more heat in their words than they should. "You're not Toph, aren't you?"
"No, Toph is blind, you idiot," the other says, then crosses her arms. "Still has no idea who you are, though."
Sokka extends a hand to pull her in, but Suki wasn't in the mood. He didn't look as bothered as she was - god, was she overreacting again? But then Zuko's eyes met hers, pleading for help, and she realized that no, she wasn't overreacting at all.
She is not overreacting at all.
"I'm Suki," she quickly spat out her name, "and we three have to go. Sorry."
"Oh, she's the bodyguard," one girl says, then proceeded to look around warily. "Why, is there a danger?"
"No," Suki says through her teeth, "and I am not - "
"She's right, actually," Zuko interrupted, practically saving her. "We really have to go. Uh, business stuff. It was nice meeting all of you, though," he gave them that nervous sideways smile, and the girls' smiles returned to their faces as quickly as they left.
"I'll see you girls around," Sokka winks, finger guns and all.
"Of course, Fire Lord Zuko!"
"Bye Master Sokka!"
"Goodbye!" Zuko waves, then frowns and whispers incredulously once they are out of sight, "Master Sokka?"
"What?" Sokka asks back, smirking. "Am I not?"
Zuko rolled his eyes, and their squabbles continued until they walked their way through the thick snow back to their ship. Suki didn't once say a word.
Who are you supposed to be?
Oh, she's the bodyguard.
Bodyguard. Yeah. Shit.
She walked faster through the snow, and there's a mix of feelings she hadn't quite sorted through yet. She found herself repeating the same sentence like a prayer with every step she takes.
I am not overreacting. I am not overreacting.
Not that she could actually make herself believe it.
Suki grew up in her village's Warrior House, a big communal house on the edge of the village for the orphaned girls who vowed to protect their village so that the same thing wouldn't happen to the others after them.
Growing up with a group of girls wasn't as easy as it sounds - not that Suki ever really minded. They were all that she has, and she always makes do with whatever it is she has. So, little Suki learned everything about them, how some liked affectionate touches and some would jump away at the slightest touch. How they would act when they get sick or upset or angry - would they hide it, or would they lash out? She'd known every single little thing about the girls, and then eventually, the rest of the gang, too.
She liked her people how she liked her battles - predictable and easy to handle, even if it meant overthinking everything until her head feels like it might explode.
Which is exactly what she finds herself to be doing right now.
Sokka and Zuko had left out early in the morning so that he could introduce him to his dad's friends, Sokka had said (no more girls, Zuko begged him). Normally, Suki wouldn't think much of it. It was nice that Sokka was proud of Zuko, his friend, the Fire Lord. Until she realized that it's what Sokka had been introducing him the whole time they were here - his friend, the Fire Lord.
His friend.
Were they his friend? Just his friend? That one particular night back in the Fire Nation Palace said otherwise.
Unless it doesn't.
But that couldn't be the case - right? They kissed, all of them, and told each other they loved them - was it love love? Or did she entirely misread the situation? But they kissed! And not the platonic kind either, because growing up with a group of girls with varying sexualities had taught her how to tell the difference - unless she was being dense and clueless again? She was sometimes like that, right? Maybe she should've asked. Maybe she should just do herself a favor and cut the bullshit and just ask them, ask them what are we? Do we kiss like friends do (on the lips?) Or do we kiss like 'I love you a lot and I am on fire every time I think about you' ?
But then again, Suki was never the best at asking for things. Explanations. Favors. Help.
And oh, wow, look at that, she's already feeling like she's losing her mind again. Which should mean that she's stepping to the right direction - right? Unlike her battles, she couldn't exactly pinpoint what to expect. How things would turn out, no matter what she does.
It's frustrating. It's just so horribly frustrating, and she just might -
" - ki?"
Her ears were ringing when she turned to see Katara on her door, concern written all over her face. "I've been calling you for a whole minute… are you alright? You look a little pale - "
" - fine," she brushes it off like she always does. "I'm fine, I'm fine. Just - "
Katara approaches her place on the bed, gently lowering down her hand from her mouth - had she been biting her nails this whole time? " Suki, you're anxious."
"I am," she inhaled a few shaky breaths. "It's - it's fine. It's just one of those things, you know."
"I didn't look like 'just one of those things' to me," Katara says softly. "You wanna talk about it?"
She never talks about it. She isn't even sure what "it" is. "No. I'm good."
"If you say so," Katara shrugs, squeezing her hands before getting up to leave. "And oh, I came here to let you know that the boys are back."
"Oh." Suki didn't know how she should respond to that. "Okay. I'll be out in a second."
They were, in fact, back, wrapped up in a blanket and snuggling by the fireplace. Zuko was whining about the cold (again) and Sokka was fondly running his hand between his hair, perking up when he saw her in the room. "Suki!"
"Suki," Zuko repeats, sounding more like a little child complaining to their parents. They both parted to give her space between them, and as she eases herself between her two boys like matching pieces of a puzzle, warm and complete.
She thought about asking them. What are we? Do we love each other? Do you love me?
But what if they said no?
They won't. They won't say no.
Somehow she couldn't actually make herself believe that, either.
"Suki, you're insane!"
She jumped up from her place, eyes darting to the doorway. "What - "
"Your heartbeat!" Toph was standing with her hand on the door. "I can hear you from rooms away, it's making me lose my mind!"
"Wh…" she tried to take a deep breath, pressing a hand against her hammering chest. It felt like inhaling through sharp needles. "I - sorry. Sorry. I didn't know I was - "
"Are you okay?" Toph didn't seem to be interested to listen to her lies. "Suki, you sound like you're dying."
"I'm not - I'm not dying," she keeps reminding herself to take in breaths. "You don't - "
"I'm going to call Katara. Or Sokka, or… Zuko!"
"No, please don - "
But Toph was already running down the ship's hallway, exclaiming about how Suki was dying and that she needed help. And Suki wanted to run after her and laugh it off and tell everyone that she's fine even though she's not, but she couldn't even make air come into her lungs anymore. It felt like someone was tying a rope around her chest, stepping on her, suffocating her.
It felt like she was dying.
It felt like it's been years when she finally could feel Zuko's rough hands on her bare shoulders, frantically squeezing her. "Suki, hey - Suki? What - what's wrong with her, Toph? What - "
" - fine," she still tries to lie despite everything. "I'm fine, I'm - "
"Suki, you're crying," Zuko says softly. She hates how scared he looked when she finally looked up at him. "Hey, hey, tell me what's wrong?"
"I don't know." She doesn't know where to even start. "I don't know."
"Okay, okay. Just - breathe, yeah? Breathe with me here. Sokka?"
"Here," Sokka's voice spoke up from her side, a hand rubbing circles on her back. "It's okay. It's okay, Suki. I've got you."
Even Sokka remembered how anxious she always gets. How scared she gets when nobody's watching her back, keeping her safe. She's so used to it with the girls back at home - and she's gotten so comfortable with the boys that she'd force her way between the two like a stubborn cat, letting them sandwich her, make her feel safe.
But she wasn't even sure that they actually loved her.
Do you? Do you love me? She wanted to ask, but the words stuck in her throat, turning into another sharp needle that wouldn't let the air come into her lungs. Her head throbs. She cried even more.
Sokka and Zuko let her.
"Breathe," one of them would occasionally mutter, the other squeezing her, rubbing her back, grounding her. It felt like another long while of constant sobbing and coughing, but eventually the sobs reduced into sniffles, the tears went dry, and her chest slowly unraveled.
The heavy feeling stays.
Zuko's rough palm gently wipes the remaining tears off her cheeks, and she felt like she could cry all over again, the swirl of hot messy feelings inside her threatening to burst. And it did.
She hated how small her voice was when she asked, "Do you love me?"
Zuko's face turns into something more surprised. More sad. "Suki, what…?"
"Hey," Sokka was the first to speak up, leaving her back to face her but kept a hand on her shoulder for reassurance. "Hey. What’s going on?”
She shook her head. Where should she start explaining? How would she even start?
“Did you think we don’t love you? Did you think that we wouldn’t?"
She nods. Would they say no? Would they say no?
"Oh, Suki." He sighs, getting up to hug her. Zuko joins, and the three stayed there like that while she buried her face on their chests. "Hey. I'm sorry. I'm sorry we made you feel that way."
"But do you?" She whispers anyway. "Do you love me?"
"Um, of course?" Zuko pulls back, eyebrows raised. "Look, I don't know who told you that we don't, but you," he shakes her shoulders exaggeratedly, and she couldn't help but laugh at him despite the tears still running down her face, "what is there not to love about you?"
They said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, and there were no more questions asked in her head.
"I'm so sorry we made you think that we didn't love you," Sokka apologized again. "I - I just thought that you weren't ready for everyone else to know, you know. You've never told me that I could."
Suki nodded. "I think - I think you can. I think I'm ready."
"Good," Sokka breathed. "Because I've always wanted to scream that I love you on top of every roof in this place. Both of you."
"Please don't do that," Zuko says quickly, fear in his eyes.
"I will anyway."
"Spirits."
Suki finds herself laughing again. "This is good," she mutters, burying her face into their chest again - which's, she doesn't really care. They were both her boys, after all. "Talking, I mean. I could use more of it."
"We could," Sokka says, running his fingers through her hair just like he had with Zuko before. "We'd make a good team."
"We do," she nods. "Bed? 'M tired."
"Bed sounds good," Zuko agreed, and in her bed they were, piled up against each other, arms over arms. "I like having you in the middle. It's like we're sharing."
"Sharing," Suki repeated, then laughed again. "I like that you're both sharing over me."
"Mmhm, because you're awesome."
"Yeah, because I'm awesome."
(And this time, she believed it.)