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There were many things that Tadashi was unreasonable and irresponsible about.
Some of them being smaller than others, some larger. They ranged from his anxiety spiking up at his mediocre test results, all the way to overwhelming self-doubt and panic when it came to his achievement in Volleyball compared to his friends.
However, his current concern was neither of those and on one hand, he was quite glad he wasn't close to a panic attack. On the other, he still wasn't necessarily a fan of the situation.
The rational part of his mind knew there was nothing to be worried about and that he should feel happy. Yet, the deep and empty pit in his chest was slowly filling with doubt and anger and guilt and- certainly more emotions that Tadashi was comfortable with at one time.
It was unfair too, and he was very much aware of that. Yet his aching heart had decided that it wouldn't stop nagging him about it. Really, it had gone as far as to team up with his mental health to kick him in the ass big time today.
Tadashi had tried to reason with it already, to not only convince himself but his anxiety as well. That, in itself, was proving to be quite impossible though.
Normally, Kei would be there to pick up on his silence with ease and he would begin to pull down his headphones to walk or sit a bit closer as he begins to fill it with anything that came to mind. Right now though, Kei wasn't here and even if he was, Tadashi knew it wouldn't necessarily lift his spirits any.
After all, the taller one was the sole reason for his current situation. Sure, Kei was quite often the source of his uncertainty and anxiety. Usually, though, he was simply mad at himself or it was a rising fear of not being enough.
This time it was different, though. This time it was hot white and blinding jealousy.
Being jealous was not something Tadashi was familiar with when it came to Kei. Up till the past year, he had enjoyed the benefits of being the other’s sole best friend and companion, to be the one to get his undivided attention.
That, however, had changed.
Initially, Tadashi had been ecstatic when Kei had allowed other people to get close to him.
Tadashi remembered clearly how much he had bothered the other until he had accepted that maybe he had found good new friends these days. Even if they drove him insane sometimes.
Now that Tadashi was seeing Kei joking with others and actively approaching them, though, he couldn't help but feel like the sharp and heavy jealousy creep in the place that pride and joy had been before. This, of course, mixing with a healthy dose of anxiety.
He hated it; hated that he couldn't enjoy this for Kei as well, even if the other pretended to not enjoy other people but Tadashi bothering him. He knew better and was aware of that. If he poked him enough, Kei would admit he enjoyed his new friendships. From Nishinoya and Sugawara all the way to Bokuto and Kuroo - Kei was not pushing people away as much as he did before.
Which is exactly what Tadashi hated, and he hated himself for hating it.
There was no visible or invisible stake he had on Kei, something that required the other to pay attention to Tadashi and him alone. It was simply unfair as well, as Kei still spent most of his free time with him.
They were holding hands, kissing, joking together-
For years now they had been close, first friends then best friends than boyfriends.
There was no reason for him to ask of more than the attention he was given already and he had no right to feel the way he did.
If Tadashi knew one thing though, it was that his feelings did not like to adhere to logic or reason very much.
So it was to no surprise that he had begun to grow really quiet on his bad days, his usual bubbly self being pushed aside by a much more bitter and unpleasant person. Kei liked to remind him, that Tadashi wasn't himself and was instead a mixture of his anxiety and depression. Though, with how frequent these feelings liked to push forward these days, he wasn't quite sure anymore if the other was right about that.
Eventually, this jealous, anxious, and all-around unpleasant person would become the real Tadashi, if it wasn't already. Kei would decide he wouldn't be worth spending time with anymore and would essentially replace him with one of the others one day. Tadashi would blame Kei for it and then himself because that was going to be who he truly was and-
"You're thinking too loud."
The sound of Kei's voice suddenly pulls Tadashi out of his thoughts and made him jump a bit, head swiveling up to look at the blond.
Tadashi hadn't noticed when the other had arrived, but Kei was now standing next to him, his headphones resting around his neck, hands deep in the pockets of his pants. He had taken a little longer than usual, speaking to Daichi for a moment and the thought alone made Tadashi want to whine. The sharp, stabbing feeling expanding in his chest.
"Oh I'm- It's nothing-", he tries to reassure Kei, beginning to play with his hands a bit, shrugging slightly.
"Are you su-"
Before Kei could even finish his question, Tadashi intervenes, a huge but fake and strained smile appearing on his lips, "Yes, I am. Let's just go home."
Without another word he turns then, beginning to walk down the street and towards his home.
It took a second for Kei to follow, simply standing in his spot and almost glaring at Tadashi’s back for a moment before quickly catching up with long steps.
The walk home was silent, however, Kei never put up his headphones like he usually did. It was as if he was waiting for Tadashi to say something and Tadashi was quite aware why. He had never been good at hiding when he was upset and Kei had only been getting better at figuring him out since they had started dating.
So it was no surprise that Kei was aware that something was up. Something that quite bothered Tadashi, considering he wasn’t speaking.
It didn't change when they reached Tadashi’s home either, quickly calling to his mother that they were home now before moving up into Tadashi’s room like they always did. The big difference this time that instead of sitting down to put on a show or do homework in comfortable silence, it was thick and upsetting.
It made Tadashi’s anxiety spike once more, wondering if his stupid jealousy would mess this all up; wondering if Kei would consider him too demanding if he ever found out.
However, unlike Tadashi expected, there were no questions about his mood and silence.
Or at least at first.
It was quite dark outside already when Kei sighs deeply, rubbing his temples now and that alone made Tadashi’s throat feel tight and his chest heavy.
"So.", Kei begins and his voice seems neutral, however, it was easy for someone who knew him well to hear the concern in it.
It made Tadashi wonder if he was still the only one to figure the blond out like this or if their other friends knew as well these days.
"Will you tell me what's up?", he continues and Tadashi opens his mouth to protest but is interrupted before he even begins to speak. "And don't lie to me. I know somethings up. You aren't exactly inconspicuous about."
With ease, he reaches over to pause the movie that had been on in the background, moving to sit in front of Tadashi now. Kei’s legs crossed and their knees touching ever so slightly.
"Actually, scratch that. Will you just finally tell me what I did?", he huffs in addition with narrowed eyes.
Tadashi feels small. Incredibly so and he wishes he could just hide. In all honesty, this was his own fault and Kei had all rights to demand an answer. After all, he had dealt with how cold Tadashi was to him for the entire day already, Tadashi aware that even during class and practice he had been rather distant.
Tadashi swallowed hard, he opened his mouth and his fingers tighten into the fabric of his pants in hopes that would keep them from shaking.
It wasn't as successful as he had hoped.
"You- you didn't do anything-"
"Don't start with that I know that's Bull, Tadashi."
"But - it's not - it's really nothing you-"
"Tadashi."
"I'm just - I'm stupid, okay?", Tadashi eventually whimpers, hands now moving to his face to press his palms against his eyes, knowing they had started to tear up at this point.
He was feeling so incredibly dumb and childish, selfish and angry. The guilt about upsetting Kei and being unfair slowly eating away at him and digging a deep hole to nestle into comfortably. Never before he had wished to be better at hiding his feelings, wished Kei simply hadn't found out and Tadashi for once knew how to deal with his problems himself.
To make it even worse, he could feel the tears breaching his eyes now and his breath to quicken up.
Stupid feelings. Stupid anxiety.
Why couldn't he just be normal, be happy that Kei had finally found more friends and why couldn't he understand that this was normal and okay and that he didn't deserve anyone's undivided attention-
Tadashi is pulled out of his thoughts once more as Kei gently places a hand on his shoulder, removing one of the hands off of Tadashi’s face.
There's a soft whimper from him as the blonde begins to rub his cheek, eyes now much softer and shoulders more relaxed. It was obvious now to anyone that had eyes, that Kei was concerned, worried and if you asked Tadashi, the other even regretted his harsh tone now.
"Tadashi.", Kei whispers and sighs gently. "You aren't stupid. I just want to understand what's going on and for that, I need you to take deep breaths and then talk to me."
Gently, he begins breathing rhythmically until Tadashi joins, his hand never stopping to rub Tadashi’s upper arm.
It takes a moment still before Kei gets a shaky and quiet response, barely audible.
"I'm just- it's so dumb- I- I'm just feeling that-", Tadashi’s voice breaks a bit and he needs to close his eyes and take another deep breath to focus himself. "I'm just so- so jealous and- I know I'm not supposed to be a-and I should be happy you have all of these friends now but I'm just dumb and scared. I- I shouldn't be asking of so much and I have no right to-"
His words once again stop, however, it's Kei who stops him by simply pulling him close to his chest, exhaling almost in relief much to Tadashi’s surprise.
"I take it back. You're so stupid.", he says quietly, his chin now resting on top of the other's hair, hands moving to rub his back. "As if you ever need to be jealous of all the other idiots-"
"Y-you're just spending so much time w-with them and - and I know I'm irrational and just- I don't have any right to-", Tadashi shakes a little and allows himself to push his face into Kei's chest now, loving the attention as if he had been starved for it. "I'm sorry. I wish I was m-more happy for you finding new friends-"
"You know I find them all annoying, right? You really are jealous of… Who exactly? Don't tell me it's Kuroo. I hate that guy.", Kei huffs and Tadashi could almost hear the soft smile in his voice and it makes Tadashi smile as well, chuckling slightly.
"That's not true.", he mumbles in response, sniffing his nose a bit and leaning back to wipe it with the end of his sleeve. "They are your friends."
"I won't comment on that any further. Think what you will.", Kei responds and smirks, moving to rub his cheek again and move in to place a kiss on his forehead.
He tilts Tadashi’s head up then so their eyes could meet.
"You've been getting quite close to Hinata recently, haven't you? Don't you think I don't hear you making jokes about me? That, and you've been doing nothing but chatting up a storm with Sugaware.", Kei says then, voice level up also a bit playfully accusing. It left Tadashi blinking a bit in confusion. There's a sigh in response and the clarification promptly follows.
"I- what I'm saying is, I get you. Do you think I- I don't feel like stealing you away every time you rather talk to the freak duo than to me? It's - it's unpleasant. I-I don't blame you."
"But- I- you're still-", Tadashi tries as if to argue almost, but as he speaks he can feel where this is going.
"The most important to you?", Kei finishes and his smile is careful and soft. He leans in then, pressing their foreheads together, causing Tadashi to downright melt against him now.
"So, yes. You've been stupid. Next time just- we can work through this. You know this is your anxiety and we can figure it out."
They stay like this for a moment, Kei not stopping to run his hand over Tadashi’s back as he cries a few more tears, allowing himself to simply be held for a while.
Eventually, though, he moves to look up at Kei again, gently taking the other's hands to rub his thumbs across the knuckles.
"I love you, Kei. I- I'll try to do better."
"And that's all that counts. We can work on it. Just - if you ever need me to pay attention to you, let me know. I'd probably be rather doing that than talking to whoever I'm with at that moment, mh?", Kei responds, smirking and shrugging.
It was obvious he enjoyed Tadashi’s small giggle at that.
So much so, that he leans in to kiss him, making sure to hug him close enough to his chest, that Tadashi would never have to doubt himself again.
In the end, he still was himself.