Chapter Text
“I just don’t understand why you won’t go with me,” Penelope grumbled for the third time that morning, trying and failing to distract Colin from the piece of bacon he was currently inhaling.
She just couldn’t fathom why he was so against the idea. He attended all sorts of awful functions with her, and usually without so much as a pout. He even accompanied her to the weekly Featherington family meetings (well, he attended every other week, but that was more by the grace of Penelope than the refusal of Colin). So why, then, could he not come with her to this one particular event?
“Colin, I swear to all that is holy that you will never get to see my-”
The incoming threat seemed to finally be enough to garner her husband’s attention, “I beg your pardon?”
Penelope huffed. “Why can’t you accompany me tonight?”
Colin chewed and swallowed so slowly that Penelope had the sudden urge to reach across the table and take his-
“I promised myself that I would never attend a Smythe-Smith musicale,” he finally answered in a rather annoyingly matter-of-fact tone.
Penelope scowled at her husband as he looked down to shovel some eggs into his mouth. It wasn’t as though she had some deep desire to attend the infamous musicale either. The music would be awful, the refreshments would be bland, and the thought of leaving Agatha, who was not yet two months old, made her heart ache. But she had an obligation to attend. She needed to be there to support that poor girl who would be feeling all sorts of embarrassment on that stage. She needed to be there for the girl who she’d been less than a year ago.
And it would all be more bearable if she at least got to spend the evening suffering alongside her husband, especially when taking into consideration that Felicity hadn’t yet returned to London for the season (and Eloise, unfortunately, had no plans of doing so at all).
“You attended the program last year,” Penelope pointed out.
“I was courting you then,” he replied without even a beat of hesitation.
She gave him an incredulous stare before scoffing. “You were most certainly not.”
Colin sighed before stuffing a large bite of toast into his mouth. “I might not have been aware of it, but I was definitely courting you. Who else in their bloody right mind would attend that thing if not for a woman?”
“You didn’t know about its reputation, remember?”
“That’s true, but,” he paused for a moment, taking a sip of his tea. “I still attended a function that I had no interest in ever attending for the simple fact that I wanted to apologize to you after I caught you snooping through my journal. If that’s not courting, then I don’t know what is.”
Penelope rolled her eyes and mumbled, “Other girls get flowers, I get you cornering me at a musicale.”
Colin either didn’t notice her mutter or simply ignored it, returning to his never-ending appetite. Almost by instinct, Penelope slid the plate of bacon closer to her husband.
With a huff, she raised her voice, “Well, who am I meant to sit with then?”
“I’m sure you’ll sit with Lady Danbury. And I very much doubt she’ll mind my absence.”
Colin shot her a knowing look before she could even open her mouth to argue. It was quite well known between the pair that the countess held a large preference for the wife than the husband. And even though Lady Danbury had softened a bit towards him after they’d announced that they had named their first daughter after her, Colin still wasn’t quite keen on the idea of her cane ramming into his foot all evening like it had the year prior.
With another exaggerated breath, Penelope sent him a glare. “And what exactly is the purpose of having a husband then?”
Colin made a show of thinking over his answer. “Oh, I don’t know. To love and cherish you, perhaps? Or maybe to protect and provide for?”
Penelope gave him a small smirk and opened her mouth, but Colin quickly cut her off, “Provide for emotionally and with children, I mean.”
Though the tension surrounding Penelope’s former penname had been long since resolved, neither one of them missed the opportunity to harp on the fact when it suited their needs.
She tried to suppress her eyes from rolling as Colin added, “Well, then perhaps for the convenience of gaining a myriad of family members to drag along to awful events? I’m sure Hyacinth’s free, and it could be a good chance to get to know her.”
“I’ve known Hyacinth since she was ten years old,” Penelope countered flatly, no longer bothering to hide the roll of her eyes.
“Yes… But do you know Hyacinth when she’s being dragged to an awful event?”
With another huff, Penelope scowled at her husband. It wasn’t that she minded Hyacinth in the least bit; she was actually quite fond of her sister-in-law (even after the horrifying revenge she’d helped orchestrate with Eloise about the Lady Whistledown secret- which, just for reference, had involved Aubrey Hall, a wild duck, and a poor newly-pregnant Penelope taking a bath).
But regardless of who was attending with her, she still wanted to be there with Colin.
And so, an idea popped into her mind.
Giving her husband a sly smile, Penelope slowly bit into a scone. “What if I were to make you a bargain?”
The sudden seductive drawl in her voice sparked some intrigue in him. “What sort of bargain?”
“I think you know exactly the sort.”
Colin’s brow twitched as he gave her a smirk. “Why bargain what you can get for free?”
Penelope swallowed as she took in the darkening look in his eyes, forcing herself to stay determined despite the rising heat on her cheeks. “Who said that it was free?”
And then, in barely a blink’s time, Colin was on his feet and in front of Penelope, setting both hands on her armrests to essentially trap her between them. “I believe that I did.”
“Well,” she heard the crack in her voice and uncharacteristically crossed her arms over her chest. Nervously, she glanced at the door open to the hall.
Colin gave her a wicked grin that he knew she loved so much, slowly tilting his head. And then he was leaning in just ever so slightly. And then he was closing his eyes. And then his face was so close to hers that she could feel his warm breath.
He could practically taste victory on the tip of his tongue.
Unfortunately for him, however, his wife enjoyed winning just as much as he did.
Colin’s eyes shot open as a finger pressed against his lips, and Penelope returned his gaze with a wide, taunting smile. “You don’t have to go tonight,” she conceded with a nod, “but you do have to stay with Agatha while I’m gone.”
He almost snorted; he loved watching their daughter. It was hardly a good threat. “Not a problem.”
Penelope’s mouth twisted smugly. “Without a nanny.”
Colin’s face twitched in concern, earning a full smirk from his wife. He opened his mouth to argue, but she continued, “Other than feedings, you will be completely in charge. And,” she paused for dramatic effect, “that includes her changings.”
“Not a problem,” he repeated, but it was noticeably much weaker than before.
Her eyes narrowed as she pointed a finger at him in the same way one would at a misbehaving toddler. "And if I find out that you had help or left to meet one of your brothers or someone else, then so help me, Colin.”
And even though he had been fully prepared to follow her warnings, Colin couldn’t help goading his wife. “So help you what?”
“I think you know,” she answered with a sly smile before brushing him away and slipping out of the room.
“Is this what I get for marrying a woman smarter than me?” He called after her, grinning as he heard the little giggle that came from the hall.
“You know,” Colin said, following Penelope’s path out the door, “We still have a few hours before you need to leave.”