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She is underwater.
Strangely, she isn’t choking or gasping for air, nor is she clawing to make her way back to the surface. She is simply floating, her head completely submerged in the water. She can see through the water, but it doesn’t interest her to see what’s beyond it.
She closes her eyes. For a moment, she can pretend like she’s in a great big ocean that will swallow her whole. She sinks towards the dying coral, towards the ocean floor.
Col takes her head out of the water. Her hair is wet and sticks to her back. She shakes her head a little bit to get rid of some of the excess water.
She takes the drain stopper out and allows the water from the bath to sink down the drain. It’s slow-going at first, but eventually, it fully goes down the drain and Col is left cold and shivering.
The harsh sound of the bathroom fan is dissonant against the sound of water seeping down the drain, loudly drying the bathroom while Col sits there, doing nothing.
She stands up, moves the shower curtains, and reaches for her towel. Col wraps it around her tightly so that it will never have to let go of her and so that she can pretend that somebody is embracing her.
She won’t admit to herself now who she wants that somebody to be.
Col navigates to YouTube, boredly looking for an excuse to pay attention to anything but the food she has in her hands. She scrolls down the page, seeing mostly Minecraft videos. Some are even animatics and compilations of moments with her or her friends in them.
A video titled "Top Dream and Georgie moments" catches her eye. She clicks on it, despite the feeling that the title gives her.
Immediately, the video goes into a clip of Dream and Georgie talking to each other and playing Minecraft.
"You’re adorable, aren’t you, you little kitty? So adorable," Georgie coos onscreen, "God, I love Minecraft cats."
Dream walks over and punches the cat with her fist in-game, making it squawk angrily.
"What the fuck, Dream?" Georgie asks, "Why’d you do that?"
"Say that you love me and I’ll stop," Dream teases.
"Wha- Dream. Stop it ," Georgie warns, "Don’t kill my cat, for fuck’s sake."
"Will you ever love me like you love your cat?" Dream sighs dramatically, "Oh Georgie, am I not good enough for you?"
"Come on, Dream, you know you’re more than good enough for me," Georgie replies, "The love I have for a Minecraft cat is different than my love for you."
"So you love me?" Dream questions hopefully.
"Shut up, Dream," Georgie retorts, and Dream does her signature teapot whistle of a laugh.
Col wants nothing more than to click off the video, to look away, and never return. But something in her, something that wants to hurt, decides to continue with the video.
This is from Georgie’s perspective now. Her facecam is on Col’s screen and Col wants to do nothing more than to just look and admire and -
There’s a donation on-screen that Georgie is reading.
"Hi, do you have any tips for how you do your hair? I think it’s really cool," Georgie reads.
"She’s just pretty like that," Dream interjects, "It’s natural. Even if she didn’t wash her hair for like, a week, it’d still be so beautiful."
"Stop it," Georgie says shyly, but it’s clear that she doesn’t mean it.
"It’s true!" Dream exclaims, "You’re pretty, beautiful, stunning, amazing, talented, intelligent, clever, quick-witted, uh… let me search on Thesaurus.com because I don’t have the vocabulary for this stuff."
"Oh my God," Georgie replies, "What a simp. Am I right? Chat, say 'Dream’s a simp.' A major simp, even. Cause she is."
"It’s not simping if it’s true ," Dream counters.
At that point, Col quickly presses the control and w buttons on her keyboard. She takes shallow breaths like she’s just run a mile or two (and in her heart, it feels like she has).
She’s not sure who she thinks about more: Dream, with her wheezing, tea kettle laugh that always worries Col as to whether Dream is okay or not, and then makes Col laugh too; or Georgie, with the way she blushes when she’s embarrassed and the way that she hides her face in her arms or the sleeves of her usually oversized hoodie when she wears one.
It hurts to see them without her. It hurts her cause goddammit, does she not deserve that too? Do they just interact more? Do they fit together better without her?
It makes sense, of course. Dream and Georgie fit together perfectly and everybody just sees Sapnap as somebody in the middle, somebody who interrupts. There’s no "Dream and Sapnap best moments" compilations or "Georgie and Sapnap without context" compilations. No, just Dream and Georgie, like always.
They even have a ship name now, Col thinks. "Dreamnotfound," "Gream," or something like that. They’re just…. they’re all just best friends.
Still, it stings where Col doesn’t want it to sting.
Dream
are we recording today?
GeorgiaNotFound
I have nothing else to do
Sapnap
sure ig
Dream
I’ve heard it’s good to do your homework
Sapnap
okay miss runaway
Dream
wait that’s so badass
miss runaway
i’m zoomin
i’m nyoomin
i’m miss runaway
GeorgiaNotFound
So true
Sapnap
oops
After recording, Col feels empty. Not in a good way, like the recording used up a bunch of pent-up energy, but in a way that makes her feel downcast. A grey-blue canopy with slightly stormy clouds that would have seemed fluffy were it not for the fact that they stretched across the whole sky. She wore her Sapnap façade, the cocky one that told Dream and Georgie that she didn’t care, that she was good enough for them, but she was hiding. She’s never hidden from them before.
The same nagging that told her that she didn’t belong, that Dream and Georgie were too good for her, that nagging bothered her during the recording. She didn’t talk much as a result.
It was supposed to be easy with them. It’s supposed to be easy now that it’s summer and that she has a whole two and a half months ahead of her to fuck around with her friends, but instead, she’s mad over something she can’t control, over stupid jealousy that would seem unfounded on the outside but she knows it all, she knows too much and when she looks at her friends, she can tell that she’s an outsider. She looks in and they seem so happy together and they can forget her.
She checks her Discord and sees one new ping. An individual message from Dream.
Dream
what’s up pandas
Col types out her response, trying to seem neutral even though she feels emotional right now.
Sapnap
not much, why? u wanna do smth?
Dream
you were quiet today during recording
idk you’re not usually that quiet
is something wrong?
She stares at the screen. “ is something wrong? ”
No shit something is wrong, no fucking shit now that she’s fucking stupid and jealous and that everything stings when she’s around them when it never used to before.
Sapnap
no idts. sorry if it seemed that way lol
Dream
okay well
make sure to talk to us, okay? we care about you
Fuck, Dream and Georgie probably had a Discord chat open, worrying over Sapnap and shit. Over Sapnap. Not over Col.
Her jealousy stings so much that she doesn’t even care that Dream called her “Pandas” like she used to when everything was smaller and that she hasn’t been called that in months. She doesn’t even care that she missed it.
Sapnap
you could both talk to me yk
It’s passive-aggressive and it’s what she wanted to send that exact second, but looking at it now, on her screen and real, it hurts. It probably hurts Dream like Col wanted it to, but she doesn’t want to hurt Dream now that she’s already sent the message.
The little pop-up saying “Dream is typing....” mocks Col on the Discord message screen. She closes out of Discord and leans her head towards her desk, delicately cupping her face in her hands.
Col screams. She screams loudly and it scratches her throat, it hurts her and makes her want to cry, it goes until her voice is hoarse and she can’t scream anymore and soon she is silent and her throat is wrecked and the strain is only strengthened by the feeling of wanting to have a good cry.
It aches more deeply than she wants it to.
She exits her room, feeling unsteady like she is about to crash onto the ground. She heads down the hallway with her still-shaking legs, carrying herself to the kitchen where she can get water.
Col gets a plastic cup —one of the ones she used when she was younger, covered with little Snoopy faces, and goes to the sink. She turns the tap on and splashes water on her face, hoping the cool feeling will make her face less red and angry. She gets some water in her cup and sips it slowly but consistently, waiting to drown again.