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“It is normal, for behaviours learnt in childhood to appear later in life, twisted and mangled into something that does not make sense to the outside observer, and sometimes, not even to ourselves. When these behaviours and their subsequence reactions force their way out of the unconscious mind and over fill our brains with warning bells, an instinctive urge to act out of character emerges.”
It was very telling, that he’d remember that particular conversation right now. Words spoken at him at one of Aizawa’s compulsory “it’s not therapy, but it kinda is” therapy sessions he had set up bi-weekly. It had become a sort of comfort knowing that someone had dedicated a portion of their time to listen to him, it was much easier than asking for help or advice, this way he would feel worse not showing up, fantastic planning on his teachers’ part, he had to admit.
He had talked about his inability to speak up when he needed help, that his quirk had developed a bit later than usual so he wasn’t use to receiving help when he actually needed it. The look on Aizawa’s face had turned increasingly sour as his ramble continued so he didn’t dare mention about the lack of physical protection as well.
Thinking about what Aizawa said in the context of educational and emotional support fit; the lack of adults willing to help and guide him had twisted somewhere inside of him and as he grew up, it seemingly manifested itself into a complete disregard for authority figures and a tendency to deal with every single issue on his own.
Thinking about what Aizawa said in the context of physical harm did not fit quite as well.
For Izuku, physical harm was something of the norm. Whether it was the sharp kick of a child’s foot on the back of his own too small knee, or the bone crushing energy of One of All, pain had been an aspect of his daily life since he was 4 years old. Pain he had to deal with by himself. Pain that no one had stopped. No student, no teacher, no adult and no hero.
It would be logical to think, that having someone pull him out of harm’s way now, would be soothing, a consequence of all that he has managed to achieve. A celebration of the community he has formed around himself, a comfort knowing that people care for him enough to keep him from harm.
Yet.
He was angry.
It was an emotion he was not yet used to. He had had plenty of experience being pissed off at Kacchan for not acting more of the hero he knew he could be. He had plenty of experience being frustrated at teachers for not listening to him because he was quirkless. He had plenty of experience with emotions that made your skin buzz and head ache but this? This was different, this was sharp, hot and painful, this was, for the lack of words; distressing.
Breathe.
Breathe.
What was Aizawa’s advice again?
First step; go through what happened.
It’s Thursday afternoon, the sun is high and outside is warm, it’s a lovely day, and him, Ida, Todoroki and Uraraka are going to spend the afternoon by the lake Cementos and Kamui Woods created a few weeks ago for the hot period. But first there is the ultimate moves training, it’s a double period but it always goes by quicker, it’s barely over the hour mark currently, he had checked the clock before he had asked Aizawa-sensei if Uraraka could help him with his training. He wanted to practice his jumping and hitting objects in mid-air, if he could master that then his control will improve. Aizawa-sensei had said yes. It was going well until-
“Deku oh my god are you okay!?”
Breathebreathebreathebreathebreathebreathebreathe
What was the second step? Ah, identifying what went wrong.
He should have spotted it really, but his concentration had been consumed by the rock in front of him, it was going to be a good hit, a really good hit, his positioning was perfect, the twist of his leg was coming at just the right angle and then-
“DEKU!”
It seemed as though Uraraka had reached her limit but thought she could push through, when his foot had collided with the stone it hadn’t exploded with the fragments suspended in mid-air, still under Uraraka’s influence, it had simply just exploded. Thanks to Cementos’ quick thinking, no one was injured. Not even him. Aizawa had grabbed him with his capture weapon when the rocks had started to rain down upon him.
He, he could have made it himself, what would it matter if some of the debris had caught him? A few more scratches on a body littered with scars was nothing.
Did Aizawa-sensei think he was weak? Was that it? That he couldn’t protect himself? He didn’t need protecting now, he, he had a quirk, he was strong, he was capable of helping others so he could help himself, he didn’t need it, he didn’t want protection now, not now.
why didn’t anybody protect him then
“alright, it’s not a circus, class is finished, dismissed.”
‘oh that’s good, being alone will help me calm down, yes, I’ll just have to-“
“not you Midoriya, you’re going to recovery girl, come on”
The walk to Recovery girl’s office was a slow one, it seemed like Aizawa-sensei was scared of walking fast less he causes him to jostle an injury he was probably hiding. It irked him, the anger from earlier still simmering in his bones. It was confusing more than anything because he was not a bitter person. He was not one to hold grudges or to linger on past wounds, if he did then he wouldn’t be, well, Deku.
Deku was the very symbol of ‘your past does not need to define your future’. It was hope not only for others but for himself as well.
“what’s eating at you?” Aizawa-sensei spoke, breaking the air of awkward that had accumulated around them.
“hmm? Oh! Sorry I was just in thought, nothing’s wrong, don’t worry sensei.”
Aizawa-sensei studied him for a moment, seemingly contemplating if it was worth the struggle to argue against his obvious cover up. Aizawa turned away, Izuku had won this time.
“I was thinking about moving our meeting to tomorrow, Thursday is turning out to be rather busy for me suddenly”
“If you’re not going to speak to me now then you will speak to me tomorrow” went unsaid but Izuku still heard it, very loudly and very clear.
Nodding his head in response, the two walked silently down the corridor once again leaving him to mull over whatever he was going to say tomorrow.
………………….
When Thursday came, Izuku was anxious, well, more anxious than normal. He had spent the morning reassuring Uraraka that no, it wasn’t her fault and that yes, he would try to explain what had happened when he was ready too.
Thinking about Uraraka and Ida, even Todoroki made him feel lighter, he wasn’t used to having people concerned about him and he was thankful that they understood that he needed not to be crowded over when something was bothering him, instead they let him have space and time to collect his thoughts.
It was very overwhelming, coming from a place of constant alienation to one of companionship, some days he was scared that it was a dream, it always felt so surreal.
He had finally reached Aizawa-sensei’s office, it was the one connected to the dorms so it felt more homely and lived in. Privately, he was thankful for this, nothing good ever happened in classrooms for Izuku, and Aizawa-sensei was aware of that and made no fuss when changing locations.
“Hello Midoriya, perfect timing, come on, do you want a hot drink at all?”
“oh, umm, no thank you, I’m okay thank you”
The room was warm, not an uncomfortable warm, but a drowsy one, like a warm Sunday morning. If he could choose a word, it would be ‘safe’, it was a safe environment to be in, nowhere was safe for him anymore, this was nice.
Following Aizawa-sensei, Izuku sat down on the same armchair he had sat previously, grabbing the soft grey pillow from behind him and placing it between his chest and arms. He had always found it soothing to put something between him and the person he was speaking too, especially in such intimate environments such as this.
“How was your day today?” Aizawa-sensei started, breaking the silence first.
“it was, um, it was okay”
“just, okay? You don’t seem sure?”
“no, no it was okay, better than yesterday I uh yeah” Izuku nodded his head, squeezing the pillow tighter in his hands, pressing it against his chest.
“Midoriya, I want you to understand that you don’t have to speak about what happened, you are under no obligation to tell me about it, and if you do not, I will respect that. These sessions are here for you, if you want them. But I really think that even attempting to speak about what’s on your mind, will do some good”
Izuku nodded, there was truth in those words. He had spent so long learning that he was not to be heard, not to be listen to, that simply saying what was on his mind had become hard, impossible even. But there was a warmth in the air that felt contained, felt steady, like whatever he said in here would be received well, received with the intent to heal and fix.
He had read once, on a self-help website for the quirkless, one published many years before his birth, now laying dormant in a corner of the internet now forgotten by the super powered masses, that in order to heal you had to let yourself heal. At the time, he remembered it being very vague and very useless, of course you couldn’t heal without letting yourself heal? But it was true, how could he heal, how could he become better within himself if he didn’t think he deserved it? How could he heal if he wasn’t going to rely on others, no matter how bad he wanted to work this all out by himself. It just wouldn’t work, it hadn’t worked for the last 11 years of his life, why would it work now?
“umm, Aizawa-sensei” he started, hugging the pillow tighter, avoiding the gaze of the other as he looked around the room. “I think, I think I was angry, that umm, that you uhh.” He pointed helplessly at the capture weapon on the desk and then gestured to himself, “yeah uhh.”
Aizawa-sensei hummed in understanding, “so, you were angry that I pulled you away from being hurt”
Izuku nodded, still avoiding his teacher’s gaze.
“Okay, where you angry because you wanted to get hurt?”
Izuku shook his head quickly, “no, no I didn’t want to get hurt, that’s not, no, I uh, it was more um, I just ahh, sorry.” Izuku ducked his head down, staring at his shoes, a slow hot blush creeping its way onto his cheeks.
This was so pathetic; he couldn’t even string a sentence together properly.
“No worries Midoriya, how about I say a bunch of reasons why you could have been angry and you tell me if I am close to the real reason hmm?”
Izuku nodded gratefully.
“Okay so, we can eliminate the need for wanting to get hurt, which is good. Did you get angry because you thought you didn’t pay enough attention to what was happening around you?”
Izuku shook his head.
“Good, because that wouldn’t have been your fault, you were in a learning environment that should have been safe, if it was anyone’s fault it would have been ours, the teachers.”
Izuku nodded slowly, he hadn’t even thought about that but somehow a tension he didn’t even notice he had, had lifted. Aizawa-sensei was really good at this, he should organise a ‘let Aizawa-sensei sleep undisrupted in class’ day sometime next week.
“Were you angry because you thought you could have saved yourself?”
Izuku paused, that felt close, but he would have been annoyed if that was true.
“okay, I’m taking your pause to say I’m on the right track?” Aizawa-sensei tilted his head to the side, waiting quietly.
“um, I think so, but, I think, if I was then I’d be more annoyed than anything”
Aizawa-sensei hummed again, thoughtfully this time. “Alright, what would you normally feel in a situation where you were about to get hurt and someone tried to save you from that? Forget today, think about a moment in your past.”
Oh.
He didn’t have one.
He couldn’t think of one single moment aside from that sludge villain and he was too enamoured with All-Might to even register what had happened.
“its okay if you take your time”
Izuku winced, he didn’t need to take his time, he really just didn’t have any. Aizawa-sensei must have read his face because his eyes started to widen in abject horror, as if connecting dots within the freckles on Izuku’s cheeks.
“Midoriya, it is very important that you are aware that whatever you say will be met with no judgment to you, no negative opinion will form of you in my mind, I am very much on your side in everything you tell me, I hope I make this clear.”
Izuku nodded, grateful for the reminder.
“If I may, can I ask, being quirkless for such a significant amount of your childhood would have been tough, you mentioned the lack of support emotionally and with the teachers, is there anything else they didn’t provide you.”
Izuku looked at the clock above his teacher’s head, the clock hands steady at quarter to five in the afternoon. “um, well, I said I was bullied a lot, because I was so weak, it was also umm, physical” Izuku whispered the last word, it felt like poison on his tongue, like he was admitting something so shameful.
Aizawa-sensei took a deep intake of breath and let it out in a controlled sigh, “first, quirklessness doesn’t equal weak.”
Izuku’s eyes widened.
“Secondly, quirklessness doesn’t mean you are less deserving of decent, human respect from your peers.”
Izuku nodded.
“Thirdly, there is nothing wrong with not having a quirk.”
It felt like time had stopped. Only momentarily, hanging suspended in the air around him. Three simple points echoing around his head. It should have been reassuring but it was too late, it was too late for that, he wasn’t quirkless anymore.
“tell me what’s going on in that head of yours?”
Izuku took a deep breath, he was safe, this was a safe environment, the room is warm, the pillow is soft and the man in front of him cares about his wellbeing. It is okay.
“It’s, it’s not relevant anymore, I, I don’t need to hear it now, it’s, uh, I just, I just wish it had been said sooner.” It felt like a confession, ‘I wish it had been said sooner’, why hadn’t it? Why did he need to spend his childhood thinking he was less, thinking he was wrong, deformed, useless.
It wasn’t fair.
Aizawa-sensei’s lips pulled down into a tight frown but his eyes were soft, no judgment could be seen present. “Midoriya, it is relevant now. Sometimes, we need to hear things that we never got to hear, to help us understand that what we went through wasn’t normal and to allow us to feel validated in the emotions we are still experiencing. It can be frustrating, still feeling sadness for a time that is in your past, we always feel like we have to move on and move on quickly, but how can you move on if no one has ever told you what you needed to hear?”
Izuku shifted uncomfortably in the seat.
“It is relevant now because you need to understand that it was wrong, that you are allowed to feel angry, I think, please tell me if I am wrong, but a possible reason you are angry at being saved from harm is because no one saved you from harm when you needed it, you are angry because it is not fair, because it is not fair Midoriya, adults should have helped you, should have kept you safe, adults should still keep you safe because you were only a child, and you are now only 15. Yes, you are an extremely powerful 15-year-old with incredible potential but you are still only 15. You deserve to be taken care of.”
Izuku’s eyes were burning. He hugged the pillow tighter around his chest, his face pressed against the top of it, muffling the small hiccups that erupted their way out of his mouth. It was mortifying, being so vulnerable about something so personal.
“Midoriya, I want to show you something, I was planning on announcing this later but I think you deserve to be the first”
Izuku looked up from the now damp pillow as Aizawa-sensei left the room, a moment of confusion piercing through the muddled thoughts in his brain. A moment later Aizawa-sensei returned.
Two soft tiny creatures were placed on his lap, on top of the now flat pillow. One was all black, fur so soft and a body so fragile, the other one was white, a small black triangle adorned its forehead, both were mewing softly at Izuku, looking up with big green eyes.
“kittens! You, why? Kittens?!” Izuku was speechless, was it normal for teachers to whip out kittens after dealing such a devastating blow to their pupils psyche?
They should, because it worked.
“Yes, I haven’t named them yet, I was going to introduce them tomorrow but I thought they were needed now. But, Midoriya, do not think I gave you two, incredibly cute kittens and a distraction for what was said, it is important that we talk about it again, I just thought you may be comfortable attacking this from a more stable frame of mind.”
Izuku nodded gratefully, he was right, it would be better going about this when the realisation had settled more, when he wasn’t feeling so frayed and drained.
“If you bear with me for one second.” For the second time Aizawa-sensei left the room, this time out into the shared common area.
Izuku looked down at the two small kittens on his lap, their fur incredibly soft between his fingers. The white kitten seemed content on nestling into his arm whilst the black kitten seemed to be using his other arm as a climbing frame, its small craws digging into his scarred flesh. “ouchie, be careful okay, you’re so small but so sharp, here let me just-“ Izuku de-clawed the kitten from his arm and placed it on his shoulders.
Big mistake.
The kitten wanted higher. He could relate, the need to keep pushing forward was also engrained deep in his bones. Sighing in what was probably meant as annoyance yet seemed suspiciously like fondness, Izuku lifted the kitten onto the top of his head. It mewed happily, plopping its small frame completely down, squishing Izuku’s own hair into his eyes.
Just as he was pushing the hair out of his eyes the door opened, the smell of warm chocolate milk followed gently behind. A feminine squeal could be heard behind him. Uraraka?
“Deku!!! Are those kittens?”
Uraraka, Ida and Todoroki appeared in his front vision, no Aizawa-sensei in sight. “umm, yes?”
“Can I? Can I hold one?” Uraraka stared intently at the one on his head, barely keeping her hands still by her sides. Izuku went to nod but stopped himself.
“yes of course” he said sheepishly, Uraraka squeeled in delight and removed the sleeping kitten from his lap, Uraraka sat down in front of him, placing the small white bundle of fur onto her own lap. Ida and Todoroki followed suit, Ida placing a tray of hot chocolate and biscuits down on the table next to Izuku’s chair.
“We have been instructed by Aizawa-sensei to spend time with you.” Ida said factually. Uraraka sent him a glare.
“don’t say it like that Ida!” carefully smacking his arm “Sorry Deku, what he meant was that Aizawa-sensei told us you were waiting in here for us!.” Todoroki nodded in confirmation, sipping his hot chocolate slowly.
“um, thanks guys, I, I know I’ve been a bit off, sorry.”
“Remember what you said to me, when my brother was hurt, that I could talk to you, because we were friends. Well, the same applies. You can talk to me, to us, we are here for you.”
Izuku picked the resting kitten off from his head holding it close to his chest, its small head rubbing sleepily against his shirt.
“Thank you, I mean it, thank you, I, I don’t properly understand what’s up, but when I do, I’ll be sure to tell you”
Todoroki tilted his head to the side, “you would do the same for us.”
Izuku smiled, for the first time in a while he felt calm, no villains, no school work, no All for One and One for All, just him and some of his closest friends, warm chocolate milk and two kittens.
Was it going to be difficult moving forward?
Yes.
Was he going to do it alone?
No.
It is after all, normal for behaviours learnt in childhood to reappear in adulthood, but just like behaviours can be learnt, they can be unlearnt, and one day, Izuku will learn that he is worth saving and that he was always worth saving and it will feel warm and right.