Work Text:
🌿
Sometimes we ask ourselves: what the heck am I doing? And the answer will be something very obvious and stupid, even if we prefer to play dumb and not recognize our absolutely idiotic behavior. Still, we know. We understand that something is wrong. Maybe a response made out of spite, or an action that we wouldn't do if not made on a heated moment.
The warm and wet feeling of his tongue passes across his lips and, instead of cleaning the stain on the corner of his mouth, the muscle stops, and his gaze gets stuck at the person on his left. Sparkling eyes dancing with joy and a smile on Mark’s lips while laughing at something Jaemin, or maybe Renjun, said. Donghyuck is not sure, not when he has something curling on his belly, liquid, and moving. Desire coils on his stomach, buzzing like angry butterflies. It's not lust or any kind of arousal. Or maybe it is, but sex is not what Donghyuck is craving.
He wants attention. He is dying for galaxy-carrying eyes to stare at his own, gazes stuck on each other and not caring a bit of what others would say. Mark hasn't looked in his direction for a while and he just can't take it anymore. It's painful, it's annoying and he is blurting out nonsense before even his mind gets to lift a wall between his soul and his mouth.
"Hey, Mark. Do I have something on my face?"
And there it is, those bright eyes piercing at him, oblivious at the fuel that ignites inside Donghyuck guts. Like a forest in the middle of a storm, leaves clashing against each other, creating a noise so deafening that he barely catches his heartbeats trembling on his ears.
Mark tilts his head and purses his lips in a natural pout.
"No." Head shaking and then coming back to his noodles. Mark is so naive, so easy to tease, and slow to catch when Donghyuck is fooling around. Sometimes it is embarrassing. Donghyuck could feel his cheeks burning at the clear dismissal of his... his what? To be honest, not even himself knows what he was trying to do. Still, he wants Mark to follow, to keep up with his joke. So he insists.
"Mark, Mark. Do I have something on my face?"
And the look on his eyes must be saying something because, suddenly, Mark is smiling and the rest of his friends are teasing, staring at them with amusement.
"Please do the secret garden now."
Mark laughs but Donghyuck can see it, the little nervousness in his expression. He shakes his head, but Donghyuck's mouth has grown a brain of its own because he can't stop.
"Do the secret garden. Mark!"
His lips are pouting and his expression is playfully hurt when Mark shoves him away and continues eating like Donghyuck didn't ask for a kiss a few seconds ago. Looking around, the others seem unaware of what has actually happened. They don't know, because of course, they don't. They can't imagine that, in fact, what Donghyuck just did was a deja vu. Something that he and Mark usually do when they are behind closed doors in the comfort of Mark's dorm room. When there are just the two of them, a bucket of ice cream and a cheesy movie playing on Netflix.
Donghyuck catches Mark staring at his lips a moment later when they have all finished their breakfast, and are slowly moving into their next activities. The stare burns, the intensity of it makes his blood pressure rise, and Donghyuck is dying to lean into him, cross his personal space and bite on Mark's lower lip that is red because Mark can't stop nervously nipping on it. It only lasted a breath, but the younger thought that maybe, just maybe, Mark was about to throw everything to hell and kiss him right then and there. Donghyuck didn't know he was holding his breath until Mark broke their stare and went back to the house. Donghyuck left all hot and excited.
"Shit" he breathes, slouching over his chair.
What the heck am I doing? He thinks while tears sting on the corners of his eyes. He knows they can't do that here. Not with all those cameras, staff, and the members around… still, he wishes for Mark to turn around, look at him, smile, cross the distance between them… and kiss him square on the lips. Tongue and spit mixing with the warm feeling that always rains over Donghyuck when their mouths connect. He knows deep inside him what it is, but he won't allow himself to put a name to that wet and tingly sensation that makes his skin burst and flush.
It's just eight letters. But they are so hard to say.
How could he? When it seems like there is a camera lurking at every corner. Or when there are always eyes fixed on them, trying to catch the littlest slip. So Donghyuck stays quiet, he refrains from the urge to take Mark's hand, to push his fingers inside his own mouth, and force him to take his heart and squeeze hard until Donghyuck's blood filters his pores and mixes inside his bloodstream. Then to pull it rough so it gets out of his body and Mark would be able to eat it. Because Donghyuck wants him to understand how much he owns him. How much Donghyuck is his . Selfishly, he craves to crawl under Mark's skin, to scrape a space inside Mark’s ribcage and lay there. So Donghyuck's body will only breathe when Mark does, only moves because Mark did. Only live because he is living.
It's sick, it's sullen. It's obscene.
What the heck am I doing? Oh, he knows what he is doing. And that's the problem.
He is falling... falling, falling, falling.
✨🌌
Mark and Donghyuck met when they were small. So small that Donghyuck still had baby fat on his cheeks, and Mark was all smooth skin without hair on his face. They were kids, they were children. And they were trainees.
At the time they had only one thing in common: a dream.
And that was what made them work. It was hard, and there were times when Mark wanted to give up, to go back to his previous life and get as far away from Donghyuck as possible. But something happened, something changed and, to be completely honest, he is not sure what it was but Mark stayed. Suddenly, he went from despising the kid to wanting him by his side all the time.
"Hyuck, get up. Let's practice." "Hyung’s gonna buy chicken, come on." "Oh, sorry. Was I taking your hand all this time? Wow, haha." "Your hand is sweaty, hyung. Ugh, wait. Now, this one is dry. Why do you sweat so much when we are holding hands?" And it has been going on and on…
Even if there have been other people around, even if they were not alone, it always felt like the two of them against the world. They knew it could be a problem, that at some point their paths would part...but they still clung to the other. Maybe some kind of special force out there was on their side because they debuted together, they got to live together and they made their dream come true together. Side by side. Hands clasped with one another.
Mark always says Jisung and Chenle were meant to be. And Donghyuck always thinks that if they were fated, then they themselves are a miracle. Some kind of soulmate pair that was created to run along with the other. Never too far away because that's painful. So, so painful. The first time Mark realized how much he needed Donghyuck was when the younger got injured, right before their first concert. Even if he was extremely excited and happy to be living his dream, it felt off. Like he was missing something. Happiness was never as intense as when Donghyuck came back, his leg healed enough to be on stage, and Mark couldn't keep his hands off him.
Since then his feelings seemed to be unfolding. Perhaps they were always there, but were covered by a veil of domesticity that made it hard for him to realize what was happening. Sure, he knew he loved his best friend. And that was it, a brotherhood bond.
Maybe he did notice that Donghyuck's legs were pretty. Or that his jawline was sharp, and wondered how it would feel with a stubble against his own.
But it was normal, they were young and full of hormones. Women were something they could not be around too much, and they were teens with needs. It would end when they grew up. But it did not. As an adult, Mark found himself wanting to taste the sweat running from his best friend's neck during practice, and he realized that maybe his feelings for Donghyuck were not purely platonic on that one Vlive, where the younger looked at him and, as a halfhearted joke, Mark blew a kiss to him. It was subtle and barely noticeable for anyone but them, and Mark thought that Donghyuck would only laugh it off or send another back. But the younger did something more, and Mark should have known better. Of course, Donghyuck had to overcome him.
And while Donghyuck's face was getting closer and closer, Mark found himself wanting nothing more than to feel the rough material of the mask against the softness of his lips, and the pressure of Donghyuck's behinds.
Mark watched the clips and felt relieved to see that it seemed he was annoyed by Donghyuck antics. The truth was he felt upset. When the boy leaned apart and didn't collide against his face, noises bumping together, he felt disappointed. Mark's belly fell to the ground and his mouth got dry with a disgusting taste.
Mark would be lying if he said that Donghyuck leaning against his body from time to time during that live didn't do wonders for his hurting heart.
He knew it was wrong. He should not feel like the air was coming back to his lungs when Donghyuck spared him a glance. Them being together was something natural, they were meant to be. If there was a Mark, there should be a Donghyuck as well. And it would be cool, it would be fucking neat , if only them being together didn't mean them falling down to hell. Because when you are on top of the world, there is only one way to go.
Down.
So down, that his dreams would be nowhere to be seen.
And just like that, Mark realized that the one thing that made them connect and be friends suddenly became the only thing that pulled them apart. Because oh, as much as he was someone who worked hard and fought for what he wanted, he also didn't have the heart to steal from Donghyuck what was his. And Donghyuck was so pretty on stage…
Angels were meant to be kept on the highest levels of heaven, and Mark couldn't bring himself to take him down.
What the heck am I doing? Oh, he knew it.
He was falling... falling, falling, falling.
🌗🌘🌑
If you asked them, Mark would say it was him. Donghyuck would say no, that it was him who leaned in and kissed the boy. True be told, it was both.
Filming for resonance era videos was exhausting. Maybe they both were so tired that, when they found themselves alone on a corner, talking about god knows what, and so close that Mark could hear Donghyuck's heartbeats, and Donghyuck could feel Mark breath against his cheek; they just couldn't help themselves.
Mark looked so ethereal back then, like an Angel gracing unworthy humans with his glory. Donghyuck had his brown locks perfectly styled in fluffy waves around his head. Mark thought that the boy was shining in gold and his lips were screaming at him.
Kiss me. Kiss me.
Eyes filled with longing, and mouth craving for a little taste of the outworldly being in front of them, looking just like what their souls were craving.
That was the first kiss they shared. No one said a word after. They didn't talk about it until months later. Not until they were filming again − Cafe Dream was a very funny thing to shoot.
They were bakers, and having Mark mix the tough because he couldn't do anything else was extra amusing for Donghyuck. He hugged him from behind as a joke, just something cheesy that would look funny on camera. But then again, when their eyes met and no one was paying attention to them, too busy with the other members doing things; their lips met once again.
This time they talked, but they didn't say what they were supposed to say − they agreed on not doing it again. "I mean. It's not like we like each other or something. That's weird, haha." "Yeah, and even if we do, what? Would we date? God, no. As if. Who would want to date you anyway." "Donghyuck, don't be mean."
Of course, they didn't end it there. Mark’s room turned into their kissing booth, and ice cream stains their excuse to taste each other.
(Mark remembers a particular one: a Vlive where Donghyuck was all pliant and paw sleeves, rosy cheeks and puffy eyes. They were busking and his best friend's voice always managed to pull some strings inside of him. So, when the live ended and Taeyong’s voice called for dinner, Mark took a tender and light and sweet and a-million-more-adjective Donghyuck on his arms and kissed him. All over the face, on his neck, shoulders, and where his blood ran faster and his heartbeats were clear against his lips.
That day dinner was late for them, and the hyungs got worried about Donghyuck's flushed face. "Are you sick, Haechan?" "Channie is okay." The only one who didn't ask was Jaehyun; after all, he noticed Mark's swollen lips and a little purple on Donghyuck's neck, hidden by his hoodie from everyone except to the older's sharp eyes.)
But it was complicated. Especially when there was nothing they wanted more than to hold hands when they walked outside. Mark almost did it that time when they bought drinks and they ended up switching because Donghyuck never was a sweet kind of guy.
It was tiring, and maybe Donghyuck was always the bravest between the two. That's why the younger man decided to speak in the middle of the night, on that bed where everyone would be able to hear them if they paid enough attention, or if the cameras were on.
"Mark. Are you sleeping?"
The older one was not, so he hummed to acknowledge him.
"Would you kiss me?"
Mark turned around, even in the darkness Donghyuck eyes were brighter than any light.
"Donghyuck" he warned.
"If there were no cameras and only the others. Would you kiss me?"
Mark went silent. What exactly did he want from him? And maybe expending so much time with Donghyuck made him brave as well.
"Yeah." Before Donghyuck could say anything, Mark added. "Just so you know, I would kiss you on stage if you asked. But I won't."
Donghyuck felt his mouth running dry.
"Why?"
Sighing, Mark’s eyes looked tired.
"You know why."
Biting his lips Donghyuck, contemplated his options. Did he really want to be an idol? Was it worthy?
"If we were free, would you…" and even if he did not end that line, Mark knew. He always knew when it was Donghyuck.
"Yeah." With a smile that was stained with sadness he confessed, and it was like a weight was lifted from his chest. "Yeah. I love you and I think I might always do."
What the heck am I doing? Again, because he knew that a "them" was not possible and, still, he blew away all his concerns and reality flew through the window. Instead, he crossed the small distance between their beds and kissed the boy.
Who kissed who didn't matter. After that, they talked and said what they had to say, and when the next morning came, Jaemin was on Mark's bed, sharing the older’s warmth; but Donghyuck didn't care. Because Mark had taken his heart and in exchange, he sacrificed his own for Donghyuck. Their blood splattered all over their beds and oh god, nothing ever felt more right before.
💙💙💎💍
"Mark! Look!"
They are hugging on Mark's bed on a lazy morning where their schedules are empty, nothing to do apart from bathing in each other's presence. Donghyuck was scrolling on his phone until something caught his attention. It was some random news that popped up on the screen whenever a new tab was open.
But this one was special. This one makes Donghyuck's eyes sparkle and shoves his iPhone on Mark's face.
"Tiffany and Co launches engagement rings for men."
Mark furrows his brows confused. Then, when his eyes meet Donghyuck's, he understands. Oh, what the heck am I doing? He knows, of course he knows, because he is smiling and leaning to kiss the younger’s hair.
"Let's clean up a bit and we can take a look at the mall in Gangnam."
Donghyuck smiles, so big and so beautiful that Mark can't stop himself from adding a halo and wings on Donghyuck and worship him like the divine being he is.
"I love you so much." It's not a whisper, Donghyuck’s voice is loud and melodic, a song swinging freely on the air. Mark giggles, pinching his boyfriend's cheek. "I love you more, babe."
What the heck are they doing? They are falling... falling, falling, falling.
Oh, They've fallen (in love).