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It was late, and Hange had assumed she was the only one still roaming around. She often walked the halls after a long day, and the heavy rain beating relentlessly that night served as a soothing, cleansing reprieve from the usual ambience. That was, until a crash from another room froze her to the spot. She stilled herself and listened. The muffled swearing of a familiar voice came from nearby. Something was different about it, however. It was distressed.
She slammed through the doorway that led to a small kitchen where she was sure the noise had come from. She stopped dead at what she saw.
It was Levi, slowly pulling himself up from the floor, a white-knuckle grip on the corner of the table. There was a shattered cup of tea at his feet. He shot her a glance of absolute terror before his knees buckled beneath him.
“Levi!”
She was at his side in an instant. His gasps rushed passed her ear as she frantically tried to gather him in her arms. His neck was slick with a cold sweat as he struggled to speak through his ragged breathing.
“I can’t move...my ears are ringing...”
“You’re okay, I’ve got you. I’ll get a doctor.”
“No, It’s nothing. Just go.”
Hearing his voice so weak and frightened genuinely scared Hange.
“Nothing my ass! You’re having a fit or something. A seizure? Cardiac arrest?”
“None of that, you dumb four-eyed — “
“What’s happening, Levi? Tell me!”
“Damn it to hell, Hange! It’s a panic attack, alright?! Leave me alone!”
He was starting to shake, losing the last of his strength that kept him from hitting the ground. Hange kneeled down with him the rest of the way to prevent him from hurting himself. Even after hearing him say it, Hange was nonetheless dumbstruck at what she was witnessing. A panic attack? Him? She could hardly believe it. But there he was, humanity’s strongest reduced to a trembling puddle of nerves and sweat.
“Try to breathe deeply,” said Hange, doing her best to keep her tone level and calm. “Focus only on that. These things don’t last long.”
“Easy for you to say, stupid four-eyes,” he spat. He was hyperventilating, face a sickening shade of white as he clutched his abdomen. “My stomach...feels like it’s being twisted in two.”
“Are you gonna be sick?”
“Shut up, dammit!”
Hange knew not to take it personally. He wasn’t angry. He was terrified. Keeping a firm grasp on his arm, she remained a silent support as the panic took its course.
After several agonizingly long minutes, Levi’s breathing began to even out. The shaking ceased. Hange kept her hold on him as he slowly sat up. Dazed, he stared at the broken glass below him.
“Damn...what a mess...”
Hange’s blood turned to ice. “Levi, your hand.”
A shard of broken cup had sliced a red curve across his palm. Blood soaked his entire hand and stained the edge of his sleeve’s cuff with bright red blotches. What little color left in Levi’s glistening face drained.
“Cheap fucking glass...piece of shit...”
Hange wanted to bandage it quickly, but was not overly confident getting him back on his feet. Though the gash was far from fatal, the last thing Levi needed was something to push him back over the edge. She wasn’t sure where that line was, but she didn’t want to find out. Fortunately, the sink wasn’t far. Levi made little protest to getting up, but it was mostly Hange’s strength that got him to his feet.
He inhaled sharply through gritted teeth as the water ran over the gash, sounding almost like a hiss of anguish.
“I know it hurts, I know,” she soothed. “Just hang in there for me.”
“Hange, I’m fine. Stop fussing.”
The blinding fear that brought him to his knees seemed to be subsiding. But that didn’t change the fact he was on the brink of collapsing a second time. She grabbed a clean dish towel and wrapped it over his hand.
“Hold that tight while I find some proper bandaging, okay? I know they keep some in here somewhere...”
Levi’s head rested against her shoulder as she dug around in a cabinet above the sink, his good hand loosely hooking her arm in a weary attempt to keep himself standing. Her hunch was correct, for there was a small first aid kit hidden amongst some rags and other cleaning supplies.
She examined the injured hand. Now with the blood washed away, it appeared merely a thin red crescent stretching from the base of his thumb to the middle of his palm, though it was slowly starting to ooze again. Binding the wound had to be quick and precise, something Hange had a grim amount of experience in.
“Who else saw?” said Levi as she wrapped his hand.
“No one, Levi, just me,” she said. “There, that should do it. Are you hurt anywhere else?”
It was like talking to stone. He stared blankly at the bandaging, opening and closing his fist to test its stiffness.
“You can leave now, Hange,” he said.
She scoffed. “Like hell! You fainted right in front of me. There’s no way I’m leaving you alone after something like that.”
“I didn’t faint,” Levi muttered.
“Then what the hell were you doing on the floor?”
He looked away with a small huff. It seemed he couldn’t take hits like he normally could.
“You said it was a panic attack, right?” Hange asked a little softer, hoping to get a straight answer from him. “That was a pretty nasty one if that’s the case.”
Leaning against the counter, he seemed unable to focus on her, or simply didn’t want to.
“It’s too damn cold in here,” he said.
It felt perfectly fine to Hange, maybe a bit chilly, but she also wasn’t the one drenched in an icy sweat. It was already starting to soak through his clothes, making the dampened fabric cling to his body.
“How about a hot bath?” she said.
He stared at her, but didn’t give an answer.
“I think it would help,” she added. “Come on, let’s go. Can you walk alright?”
He wobbled as he took his first step, as if his feet weren’t his own. Hange’s arm went over his shoulders as she held just above his elbow to keep him steady.
“Do you have to squeeze so tight?” said Levi.
“Sorry, I just don’t want you to slip.”
“I won’t.”
He sounded frustrated and resigned. Regardless, after a few more steps, it was instead his grip that became crushing as he staggered against her.
“It’s all right, I won’t let you fall,” she reassured him.
“Stop coddling me, shitty glasses.”
“Stop trying to act so tough!” she snapped, making him jump. “Frankly, it’s annoying. I can tell just how you carry yourself that you’re about to tip over. Just admit you collapsed and you’re afraid it’ll happen again. No one would blame you for feeling like that.”
“...That’s still no excuse for any of this — “
She grabbed him by the shoulders and fixed him squarely in her gaze, startling him further.
“What we do is beyond hell. You told me that yourself. A panic attack — are you really surprised? And just the fact you knew what it was the moment it happened proves this isn’t your first. Now shut up and do a damn breathing exercise while I get the tub ready.”
Levi made no further arguments. Hange found it hard to stay mad at the poor bastard while he was so weak and pathetic.
As they entered the bathroom, Hange could feel Levi starting to shiver. She sat him down on the toilet as she started the water. He looked utterly defeated, shrunken up and exhausted. Hange frequently cracked jokes about his height, but she had never thought of him as small, not until that moment. It was like a glass shard was shoving itself into her chest having to see him like that.
Hange rummaged through the bathroom closet for soap and some towels as Levi undressed and got in the bath. She made it a bubble bath, hoping the fragrant, flowery smell would help relax him further and give him a bit more privacy as she washed him.
“This is quite a role-reversal, isn’t it, shorty?” she said, pulling up a stool behind him. “Normally it’d be you dragging me into the bath.”
She lathered her hands and began rubbing his back. She couldn’t help but noticed how many scars covered the surface of it. Even though she had plenty of her own, it was a bit saddening to see someone else having suffered from the rough lifestyle of the Scouts.
“How’s your stomach?” she asked.
Levi didn’t answer. He was unusually still, too. His head rocked with the sway of her motion, as if dozing. He wasn’t exactly leaning against her, but he would slip if she were to suddenly remove her hands. Also strange, he made no remarks telling her to get out of his personal space. Sure, she was bathing him, but she still found it out of place.
“So, was I right? Has that happened before?”
All her questions fell on deaf ears as Levi’s gaze lingered on something to his left. Was he ignoring her, or was he simply not hearing her?
“Levi,” she said more firmly, “I need to know if this is reoccurring — ”
“It won’t happen again. Not tonight.”
An echo of his typical demeanor had returned, but he was betrayed by his posture. It was subtle, but the particular way he was slouching and how he hid his eyes in his hand as if resting told her he was embarrassed. Immensely.
“If you’re uncomfortable with this, I could get you a towel now,” she suggested.
“No. Your hands feel nice. They’re gentle.”
What he said took her off guard, especially considering how hostile he had been not ten minutes before.
“Can’t remember ever getting a compliment like that before, short stuff! Any chance of another?”
“Eat shit, four-eyes.”
She giggled, pushing the suds through his hair. “Mmm...’gentle’...” She relished in the sound. “What a kind word. You’re a real sweetheart, you know?”
He gave a half-hearted grunt, too enraptured in the massage she was giving his head to do much else.
After Hange finished washing and rinsing him off, she brought him some fresh clothes, something soft that he could sleep in. Once Levi had dressed himself, she took to tending his sopping mess of hair.
“I wish you had told me sooner that you were feeling off. Must be hell going through that alone,” said Hange, pressing his hair dry with a towel. “If you don’t mind me asking, what was it that overwhelmed you?”
Levi appeared lost in a terribly vivid memory. The way he was hesitating, Hange knew he was about to tell her something important. She pretended to focus only on his hair as he steeled himself.
“Everything’s just been so damn calm the last few days. There wasn’t enough of a distraction.” He swallowed. “It became too much to ignore.”
“What did?”
He shook his head. “Everything.”
Hange felt the weight of the word. Losing ones they love in the most brutal ways imaginable on a seemingly daily basis, as well as the constant threat of attack from both titans and people, they could never catch a break. Despite the absolute hell the two of them have been through, however, Levi had always been calm and collected no matter the situation. It was something she always admired him for and was almost jealous of. But that, apparently, was all merely a front.
“Why not tell someone?” She patted the back of his neck with the towel, wicking away the damp. “It’s good to depend on others. If no one else, you can always trust me.”
Levi stayed quiet as she finished up. He remained wordless as she walked him to his room, too. Poor thing must be exhausted, Hange thought.
Sitting down on his bed, Levi appeared once again lost in his own mind.
“I think I’ve harassed you enough for one evening,” Hange said. “You know where my room is if you need anything else.”
No response.
“Okay, well, goodnight then — “
As she turned to the door, Levi caught her by the wrist.
“Hange...I shouldn’t have yelled at you earlier.”
She gave him a reassuring smile, honestly just glad to hear him speak. “Hey, don’t worry about it. You weren’t feeling well.”
Brows furrowed, Levi looked away towards the rain-streaked window, but didn’t let go of her. She stared at him hard. Something had flickered in his eyes, a kind of urgency that put her immediately on edge. Whatever it was, she listened to his next words closely.
“Stay here,” he finally said. “Keep watch.”
She waited for him to elaborate, but that was apparently all.
“Keep watch? Like the whole night? What for? We’re in the Walls, aren’t we?”
“You have eyes, don’t you? As shitty as they are, you’ve seen just how...how weak I am right now. I might as well be dumped in front of a mob of titans naked.”
He scowled at the floor, clearly pissing himself off more and more with every word. He was as vulnerable now as he was at any point during his panic attack and he knew it. What he was asking of her, it had to be agony for someone like him just to say it. Yet it didn’t stop him.
“Just until I’m asleep, alright? No longer than that.”
Hange suddenly realized what Levi was doing. In his own awkward way, he was trying to heed her advice, to trust her while he couldn’t look after himself. She sat down next to him on the bed, pulling the blankets up over his lap.
“All that matters to me is you getting the rest you need. I’ll keep watch all night if that’s what it takes.”
His expression softened and his shoulders relaxed. Those icy grey eyes seemed to cry out “thank you.”
“Don’t go blabbing this to anyone,” was what he said instead as he lied all the way down beneath the covers.
Hange took his injured hand into hers to see how it was holding up. She wondered if he would have been able to wrap it properly if she hadn’t been there. Probably — he was one tough bastard. And with how much of a clean freak he was, he likely would have dunked the whole arm in a bucket of disinfectant before doing so. But she was glad he didn’t have to worry about it. Delicately stroking the bandaging, she then held his palm to her lips.
Levi sighed. “What are you doing?”
“Kissing it better.”
He rolled his eyes. “Tch...”
Gently brushing the hair from his face, she took to studying closely his features as she leaned over him. He was mildly annoyed, but relaxed. Weariness was apparent in his eyes, however, the kind that teetered on anxiety and threatened to rip away the fragile peace she worked so hard to bring him.
“Your head’s been causing you a lot of pain tonight as well,” she said, tapping his forehead with her finger. “Hmm...I think it needs a kiss, too.”
He sank further into the pillow. “You’re hopeless.”
Levi’s utter lack of avoidance as she pressed her lips to his brow surprised Hange. Nonetheless, she planned to take advantage of his newfound tolerance.
“Now that I think about it, your stomach was hurting, too. Although, that seems to have subsided.” She dragged her hand across his abdomen, grabbing at the soft material of his shirt. “But you tell me, Levi. Does your tummy need a kiss as well?”
“What the hell are you even saying?”
She gave an over-exaggerated gasp. “You’re blushing!”
“No, I’m not! You really can’t see for shit, can you — ?“
He was cut off by the cackling of a mad scientist. “I think I heard your voice crack, shorty! What’s wrong, afraid of getting cooties?”
Her arms were over him before he could slap them away, yanking him upright into a hug he had no chance of escaping.
“Oi, four-eyes! Cut it out!”
“But how can I resist when you’re bundled up all cute and snug like that? Oh, I could just squeeze you to death!”
She nuzzled his head as her hold tightened, trapping his face in her shoulder.
“Dammit, shitty glasses...real pain in the ass...”
He wasn’t even trying to pull away. In fact, he slumped into her, clutching the back of her shirt with both hands. He was hugging her.
Hange kissed the side of his head, pressing a little harder than she needed to. His hair smelled of soap and pine needles and was captivatingly soft against her face.
“You really scared me, you know,” she said quietly.
Levi’s tired voice was muffled. “I did tell you to leave.”
“I could never.”
She lingered a moment longer, wanting to soak in as much of him as she could. Finally, she pulled away. Beyond the ruffled hair and flushed face, Levi’s shoulders were starting to sag and his eyelids had begun to droop. It was an immense relief to her.
She wiggled his cheek. “Aw, someone getting sleepy?”
“Quit grabbing. Goddamn toddler...”
“Hey, it’s not my fault you’re so stinkin’ adorable. Besides, you asked for this.”
“Shut the hell up already,” he grumbled, retreating to hide his face deep in a pillow. “Annoying four-eyed freak...”
Hange settled back in her spot next to him, sitting cross-legged as she stroked the back of his head. She was beaming.
“You wouldn’t have given me such a damn good hug if you really meant that. All bark and no bite, aren’t you?”
His tone remained even, but his ear tips were a bright cherry red. “I said shut the hell up.”
-
Only Hange was awake now. The lights had been dimmed and the ambient roar of rain drowned out any other sound that would dare encroach the two. Levi had turned around in his sleep, entire body now wrapped over her leg as his head rested on her thigh. Despite having done all she needed, Hange continued her watch. How could she even think about moving while he was so cozy?
“You’re gonna get terrible bed head sleeping like that.” she said softly. “You must be exhausted if you really don’t care.”
Her fingers brushed through the patch of hair poking out from the sheets, the only part of him still visible. He had taken to cocooning himself deep into the bedding to ward off the chill of the stormy night.
“You’re a great leg warmer, if nothing else.”
Not a word from the lump of blankets, not even a stir.
Leaning against the headboard, she wiggled a hand through the woolen barricade to rub his back. It was no longer sticky with a cold sweat, but delightfully soft and warm. It gave her a sense of wholeness having helped him through such an intense moment of panic. For him to be restored to a complete level of calm, it filled her with a kind of warmth rare in such dark days.
Hange began tracing along his spine, building an image in her mind of how everything looked beneath his skin. The structure of his muscles and bones, how they were connected, the way the skin stretched to accommodate their position as he lied bundled beside her — such observations were just an occupational hazard of being a scientist. His body was an especially curious thing to her as well, since he hardly let anyone so close to him, even her. But tonight, Levi had opened himself up to her touch and she couldn’t have been happier.
As she went along, she felt the indents of various scars scattered across the surface of his back. Some she recognized from bathing him, others appearing different and unfamiliar when explored by touch alone. And yet, in spite of the brutal nature of his past, there was a swath of skin on his side that remained soft and unscathed, completely untouched even by sunlight. Hange was careful not to wake him as her fingers skimmed the smooth milky surface, knowing well his sides were notoriously ticklish. It was a precious secret only she had the pleasure of knowing, one of the more lighthearted vulnerabilities he had let her in on. Heart swelling as she savored that fact, she leaned down to kiss the top of Levi’s head.
“Thank you for trusting me,” she whispered. “I’ll keep doing my best.”
He groaned quietly and twitched his foot. Though Hange’s words fell on sleeping ears, Levi already knew firsthand his trust was well placed.