Work Text:
THE NIGHT OF THE DUELLING DUETS
(to the tune of “Puttin' on the Ritz,” with apologies again to Irving Berlin. If you don't know the song, you can listen to it here. )
Have you seen that little man
Angry since his life began
Planning all those vengeful schemes,
Dreaming California dreams?
High hopes and wild inventions,
Mad mopes and grand intentions,
Coveting a crown—
Thinks he’ll win it hands down!
First he’s got
The perfect bait to launch his plot
Then celebrate with Antoinette
Singin’ a duet.
With Voltaire
He stalks about his cluttered lair.
No fear or doubt, at his spinet
Singin’ a duet.
Banks and mints fall to the villain’s forces,
But thugs have poorer brains than average horses,
So of course he’s
Found out by
Our heroes—Oh, with him they’ll vie,
Doc doesn’t know they’ve cast a net
In their own duet.
Doc gets mad
When these two rout the plans he had,
He starts to pout, then joins his pet
Singin’ a duet.
Hate and pique
Are all-consuming—leave him weak
To ev’ry looming and dire threat
Singin' a duet.
Megalomani’cal thoughts give rapture,
Laying traps for Jim and Artie’s capture,
But they fracture.
Punching lugs
Jim knocks some lumps into their jugs
And Artie jumps in to abet,
Wreckin’ Doc’s duet.
Chase ensues,
It’s a pursuit the agents lose.
So Doc can hoot that he’s free yet,
Singin’ a duet.