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The whole park felt empty. Too empty.
Now that Michiru wasn’t here anymore, Nazuna was painfully reminded of how her life has been this past year. Damn Michiru, just as she gets used to the creeping loneliness, she wanders back into her life, as if it’s nothing. And then? She walks right back out, leaving a gaping hole to fill.
Not that Nazuna’s too surprised. Isn’t that how it usually went? Every single time, it’s just the same story… Michiru thinking she needs to be saved, as if she’s some weak damsel in distress. She’s happy where she is right now. It’s stupid.
So why did it hurt? Why did it hurt when she threw away some stupid necklace for a God that she was pretending to be - it shouldn’t hurt so bad. It’s stupid, because Nazuna thinks to herself it feels an awfully lot like Michiru threw away the pieces of their hearts they gave each other all that time ago. And Nazuna hadn’t prepared.
And it’s stupid, because for all Michiru knew, Nazuna had been dead for a year, and for all Nazuna knew, Michiru had been living a normal, human life. Neither of those possibilities involved the other.
She lets herself sink into the bench again, sighing deeply. Boris would be asking where she was… well, that’s fine, she could work around that. She’d talked to the mayor too, after all. That wasn’t the problem…
Oh, and Michiru and her weird bias towards Boris! How stupid, and annoying! Boris was the one to get her out of that weird place, he gave her her life! He gave her what she always wanted, he gave her the life of an idol.
And Michiru dares say all that? She’s just jealous, because Nazuna moved on and she never did. Well, too bad. Michiru can deal with her personal melodrama on her own, Nazuna was here to inspire happiness in all the beastmen.
So she pretended to be their God. Was it really that bad? Sure, they didn’t love her for her, but, she never expected them to. And everyone was so happy to see her, how could she stop? It would be like taking away a dog’s favourite toy. (Literally.)
Fine, she’s a little angry too. She can easily admit that part, actually. Michiru should have stayed away when that weird person she was with doubted her. Speaking of them-Michiru had pretty rich words for hanging out with that weirdo. What was their problem?
Stupid, so, so stupid. That’s really what Michiru was, and it’s what she’d continue telling Michiru until Michiru got it through her thick skull that Nazuna didn’t need her anymore.
Or… maybe she wouldn’t need to tell her anymore. She did seem quite determined not to be friends with her public persona, Deesse Louve, but that’s all fine. Nazuna didn’t need some childhood friend dragging her back into the past, not when she was already living in the future.
Michiru was probably just jealous. That’s what happens a lot, with Michiru. Michiru sees Nazuna do all these amazing things, and Michiru feels the need to steal her spotlight. Well, not anymore. Now, Nazuna had the eyes of all the beastmen, and they all worshipped her, so what did it matter that one didn’t?
It was for the best. Michiru might have accidentally let something slip at some point, as she usually does, and then what? Everything she has worked for would come crashing down again, just because Michiru couldn’t get over something so…-
Part of Nazuna was glad. This part she hated to admit, but she could reason with herself why. At least she wasn’t forgettable, at least she made an actual difference. Michiru was clumsy, so so clumsy, but she cared. She cared for the wrong reasons about the wrong things, though.
She cared about that little girl Nazuna from a year ago, who didn’t dare sing in front of an audience. The Nazuna that didn’t do anything, didn’t mean anything. She cared to ask if Boris wasn’t a weird guy, even though he was clearly the only one who truly believed in her abilities.
Michiru has made new friends, found a new life. Why would she keep holding on to the past like that? They were once best friends, sure, but friends grow apart all the time. Nazuna has enough experience there. Was there a time where Nazuna thought they’d be more than friends, one day? Maybe a future, (not then, because they were young, so young,) where they finally opened up about some tension between them?
Well, yes, sometimes. But not anymore. That was something of the past.
They weren’t friends anymore, they weren’t anything more than two strangers who once knew each other. They were strangers, with different and separate lives that didn’t integrate anymore, they were two girls who shared a memory, but memories fade. Everything does eventually.
A buzz from her phone snapped her back to reality, blinking away the haziness to see the world.
In the distance, she could make out a woman with a young child, laughing and swinging. She hated it. They were so blissfully unaware of this weird inner turmoil Nazuna was going through, and it annoyed her because she envied them. Michiru should have stayed away, kept out of her life. God, what was her problem?
Checking the text, a familiar sense of dread settled in the pit of her stomach.
Boris
Nazuna, you must return instantly. You didn’t notify anyone you left.
He’s not creepy, she bitterly thinks as if Michiru were still talking to her. He just cares more than Michiru did, and she feels threatened. Boris just wanted to keep Nazuna safe. Was that such a bad thing?
(An annoying voice rang through her head, reminding her that Michiru wanted that too, but she blocked it out quickly before she could think about it too long.)
She didn’t bother replying, just got up and carried her too heavy limbs back to where they had temporarily set up camp.
The streets were filled with human looking people, all repressing their animal instincts.
Well, not all of them. She saw a man slap a woman in the distance, but there was nothing she could do. She wasn’t with the church right now, she would only put herself in harm’s way, or make it worse.
Unlike Michiru, Nazuna knew when something was her business.
Guilt stopped her in her tracks anyway. It was inexplicable, really, because there was no reason for her to feel guilty. She hadn’t done anything! (Exactly, a voice that sounded an awful lot like Michiru said in her head.)
Soon, she found herself pressed against the wall of some building, seeing the argument play out on the other side of the street. Well, it wasn’t exactly an argument. The man was doing all the yelling, and the woman was trying to put more distance between them.
A breath caught in her throat as she realised there was a child behind the woman, and that it was the same woman and child from earlier in that park.
Barely two minutes later, the man stomped off, and the woman was crying while checking her child over.
Nazuna was approaching them before she even knew what she was doing.
“Hi miss,” she softly said, trying to instill some sense of calm and safety from her presence. The child looked unharmed, but there were a few red marks wrapped around the woman’s arms, clear handprints that would form bruises later.
“O- oh, hi,” she gasped, spinning around, putting herself between Nazuna and her child. She looked a little longer, familiarity and confusion etched into the lines on her face, before her eyes widened, defensive stance relaxing. “You’re the Silver Wolf…”
A tight-lipped smile plastered on her face. “Yes, I’m Deesse Louve.” She bent down to the eye level of the little girl, who looked no older than six and had some snot running down her face. “Hey.”
The little girl didn’t reply, looking up with fearful wide eyes, before turning to her mother for permission. The mother nodded, and a twinge of pain twisted inside of Nazuna. She was who she had to be right now. Deesse Louve.
“Hi,” she squeaked out. “Are you here to save us from papa?”
The guilt that had been resting in her stomach was now replaced with a nauseating coldness. That man was her father?
“Yes, if you want me to,” Nazuna quietly admitted. She was ready to give this little girl and her mother her own room at the camp, if she was honest. But unlike Michiru, she knew when to stick her nose into people’s business.
The little girl pushed a piece of her short black hair behind her ears before grabbing onto her mother’s skirt with a small hand.
“I’m- I’m so sorry to bother you, Deesse Louve,” the mother continued. “Uh, if we’re being honest… we have heard of your camp… we- we have always believed in you, miss, we swear! We just- I have nowhere to go,” she stopped talking as she started to cry. A panicked look in her eyes, and an even more panicky voice, and really all Nazuna could think about was that she would start to scare her daughter if she continued on like this, and the situation needed to be diffused, quickly. “And Emica, she’s still so young… please, we’ve heard of your camp, please, please let us join!”
Emica, her daughter, started crying again, hands abandoning the comfort of her mother’s clothes. Nazuna was quick to carefully put her hands on Emica’s shoulders, and when she didn’t flinch away from the touch, she hugged her as lightly as she could.
“Of course, you can follow me,” she promised. She truly hoped Deesse Louve was doing her job right now, calming them down, even if just a little. The girl’s cries slowly became whimpers, before she wiped her nose on Nazuna’s sleeve. Repressing a cringe, she petted Emica’s head. “Are you hungry, Emica?”
Emica nodded, humming.
Ironically, when Emica wiped her nose on the hoodie Nazuna was wearing, she felt it was symbolic to what she and Michiru had. The hoodie wasn’t hers, of course… Michiru had given it to her that morning, because she didn’t have any casual clothes. Now she was stuck with this hoodie that smelt too much like Michiru, and she wasn’t sure if it was so overwhelming because of her beastman senses, or if Michiru herself was too much, too strong a memory.
“Thank you,” the mother rushed out. “I- I’m Aina, I can’t thank you enough-”
“It’s alright, Aina.” Nazuna cut in. She hadn’t realised it, but her tight-lipped smile had morphed into a genuine one for the sake of the little girl. Now that the woman was thanking her again, she couldn’t help but feel as if it was forced once more. The mother thanking her reminded her that it was all just the act of Deesse Louve. “I think you’ll like it at camp, Emica,” she continued, getting up. Emica latched onto Nazuna’s sleeve this time, only slightly letting Nazuna drag her along.
Aina was quick to walk behind them, nervously looking around the whole way back.
Nazuna tried talking about light topics, things that don’t matter and only serve as small talk, talking about activities Emica could do.
Maybe she was trying to make the camp sound so appealing to Emica because Emica was too young to join the church. A very small, whispered part of her didn't want Emica to join the church. And sure, some fanatic parents had come with their children, but those kids were at the youngest ten. Would Emica feel like an outsider?
Maybe she was trying to make it sound so appealing because Nazuna felt like an outsider too. An outsider to beastman-society, to Animacity, to her own life.
And this was probably the most they’d see of her, anyway. Now that she’s talked to the mayor, there is a big chance they will be moving locations soon, and no place is big enough to hold all of them in one place. They’d split up, and they wouldn’t see each other anymore.
Emica didn’t say much at first, but soon she was talking about some of the things she got up to in her free time, delving into rambles and over-explained hobbies, but Nazuna hadn’t the heart to interrupt her, other than asking questions.
Maybe her version of Deesse Louve was too caring, too ungodly, but the neverending excitement in the girl’s eyes reminded her of-
No, it was good that they wouldn’t see each other again. Michiru had made her statement, now it was her turn.
At camp, there were immediately three beastmen, cloaked in the typical Silver Wolf Church clothes, crowding in on the three of them.
“Please, get this girl some soup, and get them a shared private room,” she commanded, putting on her stoic but peaceful mask again. Emica and Aina weren’t her responsibility anymore. Just like she wasn’t Michiru’s anymore. (Had she ever been?)
The camp was filled with beastmen wandering around, strolling between the tents and doing their tasks. At least they all seemed content.
She made her way back to her tent, reminded of how just last night Michiru had stood here, reunited.
In the end, she only had herself to blame. She knew she couldn’t return to some semblance of her past life, it’d been foolish to give into the feeling, even if it was only briefly.
In her tent, Boris was already waiting, brush in hand.
“Deesse Louve,” Boris called, putting a firm hand on her shoulder, preventing her from slipping away. Not that she would have tried to. “You know you have to notify me- or, uh, anyone- if you leave, Deesse Louve! What if you had been hurt? What if something-”
His stupid rambling, he really doesn’t know when to shut up, does he? As if she couldn’t defend herself. She was with Michiru, anyway. Michiru would never purposely hurt- well, it didn’t matter.
“I found some new church members, didn’t I? And I talked to the mayor,” she snapped. The urge to wiggle away from his grasp was overwhelming, but she’d learned to repress it ages ago. “I have to get ready,” she muttered, but he didn’t budge.
He kept standing in front of her, not saying anything.
“O- of course, Deesse Louve,” he said, finally stepping away from her and bowing slightly. “Yes, yes, come, this is the outfit we wanted you to wear.”
After he told her what she shouldn’t wear and what she should wear, she was rushed out again to greet some beastmen and inspire some belief in them, or whatever it was that Boris called it.
With every new hopeful face she had to look right in the eyes, her chest became a bit tighter. At some point, they started chanting ‘Deesse Louve’, and Nazuna felt great. She felt great, and she felt terrible, and she felt loved, and she felt hopeless.
What would Michiru say? Probably that she’s a bad person for faking to be their god. Why was it so bad? She was doing them a favour. The conversation was just playing in her head on loop, it was driving her crazy.
How dare Michiru look so betrayed by her new life! Michiru wasn’t there when it happened, she wasn’t there when Nazuna thought she might die, so how dare she say that? She had been living in comfort with that old guy, going from one perfect life to the other. So now that Nazuna had her dream, it was suddenly a bad thing? Now her perfect life clashed too much with Michiru’s? Was that it?
That necklace… momentarily, it had felt like they could actually be friends again, even if they were from completely different worlds. As if that year that they were apart could really be forgotten, that it didn’t matter that so much time had passed. Best friends till the end, right?
What a load of bullshit that was. The last piece that Michiru had held onto from Nazuna, a piece of Nazuna’s heart she had been allowed to keep, was thrown away. It had been abandoned, left to shatter and decay alone with time.
She has every right to be angry at Michiru now, Nazuna tries to convince herself. Except… maybe Michiru just missed her.
No! It doesn’t matter whatever Michiru is thinking or feeling. That stupid girl is always speculating other people’s feelings, always dictating them before they can get a single word in, how is that fair, at all? No, Nazuna was going to show her how successful she was without her, how she could thrive with all the love these beastmen had for their god.
As the sun started to sink into the horizon and the city lit up with colour, she only now felt how heavy her heart had grown over the course of the last few hours. Not because she mourned the loss of her best friend, that would be stupid and irrational. Nazuna didn’t want anything to do with Michiru anymore, so what was there to mourn?
“You can’t lie to yourself forever,” Michiru’s voice told her again in her head, and she cursed herself for memorising every tone in the girl’s voice, every expression she could make. She cursed herself for knowing Michiru too well, in and out, because it made it harder to make those memories fade.
And then she cursed Michiru, for thinking that she still knew Nazuna that well. She didn’t. Nazuna wasn’t Nazuna anymore, she was Deesse Louve. Michiru can sprout all the nonsense she wants to, but it won’t change the fact that Nazuna isn’t some normal, scared and human teenager. If anything, Michiru should know exactly how that feels, since she also turned into a beastman. But it seems Michiru clings onto her past memories more than Nazuna had initially thought.
Michiru may be trying to bring back something that will never happen, but Nazuna has long since shoved the feelings down.
The thought isn’t per se original or out of nowhere, but thinking about it too long gave her a headache. It’s as if she can only think about it when there is nothing else, when only Boris is there to parade her around. Of course, if she didn’t want this, she could stop it like that. Boris, he- he didn’t have complete control over her. He wasn’t a creep. She wouldn’t let that happen… No, no, she wouldn’t, that’s just Michiru-nonsense again.
Boris was brushing her hair again, even though she’d insisted she could do it herself, but… well, Boris knew what was best for her. He was the only one who believed in her abilities.
Boris is smart, too. Nazuna wouldn’t work with someone who’s stupid. But he’s smart, and he’s realised that Michiru wasn’t an entire stranger to her. He must have, because he talks about her.
“That girl… the tanuki,” he started, just as the brush yanked a little on a particularly painful knot. “She held you back, Deesse Louve… she wanted you to fail, you know that right?”
Of course she knew that. It’s the only thing she’s been able to think about all day. So she hummed in agreement.
“Good…” he continued, hands brushing down her face as he brushed a few front pieces. “She clings onto your past, the one that couldn’t do anything, she wants to drag you down. You must let her go entirely, Deesse Louve. She only loves Nazuna.”
That stupid, weak little girl. Nazuna.
“I know,” she muttered, eyes trained tightly on her reflection in the mirror. “I have already moved on.”
She could feel his breath tickling the back of her neck, and while her airpipe felt tighter with panic, she remembered that Deesse Louve would appreciate the care. The praise and love for a god, all for her.
“Thank you, Boris,” she quietly continued, when he was done with her hair.
He started picking up some clothes and putting them back. At first, it had been weird when he would tidy up her space, but he had explained that he only did it because she was a God now, right? And who has heard of a God that puts away her own clothes, who does chores like that?
After Boris got her her dinner, followed by a strict diet of course, she lay in bed. Now that she was all alone, everything was too quiet again. While seeing all those beastmen faces earlier had unsettled her, this was a harrowing silence that was eating her alive, as if it was a predator and she was the prey, finally caught between its teeth and bleeding out as she was being shredded to bits.
The silence felt too much like it had earlier that day. Too much like when Michiru had officially declared them enemies. No, she’d done something worse than that. She’d declared them strangers.
Briefly, she heard what sounded like the start of Night Running, but it was shut off immediately followed by a harsh scolding whisper. Destined to be an idol, destined to be alone for as long as she could manage. That’s what Deesse Louve is. It doesn’t matter what those she used to know think or feel. After all, they’re just memories, waiting to fade.