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Bleary and un-caffeined eyes with a dark ring clouding under the eyeline, Jisung forced himself to wake up from the soft mattress, although the warm material seemed like it was reaching out its hands to him.
The gush of cold breeze from the window Jeongin had opened a few hours ago, slapping his skin made Jisung contemplate his choices to just slamming himself to the bed and being friends with the darkness again.
But he couldn’t. He knew he couldn’t.
“Morning, Jisung,” Seungmin said, rubbing his eyes in an attempt to get rid of sleepiness that was still visible in his tone.
Jisung looked up, staring blankly towards the smaller boy.
Seungmin was pretty. Faint hints of dark circles under his eyes were concerning, but Jisung knew that his weren’t any better. Seungmin’s eyelid was double-folded in one eye, it makes his eyes look deeper than they already are. His soft features were shining, bathed in gentle hue filtered through the window.
He looked ethereal, unlike himself.
“Morning love,” Jisung managed to reply with a wide smile that was heavily hanging on his face, rubbing Seungmin’s smooth hair. He cracked a little chuckle when Seungmin rolled his eyes over the name. “What’s for breakfast?” Jisung asked, the smile still on his face but it was getting tiring to hold.
“Lix made pancakes.”
“Oh,” he shortly answered. Maybe the morning wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be, with Felix’ tasty pancakes filling his stomach, adoring laughter and jokes each member threw at each other that would fill the entire dorm with warmth. It shouldn’t be that bad.
Well, that was what he thought.
Everything continued to get worse. And the worst thing to top it all, Jisung couldn’t even figure out why he was feeling bad. He didn’t know why he felt cold when the warm sunshine bathed him. He didn’t know why he felt lonely when seven chaotic people that couldn’t keep their mouth shut for even a single minute surrounded him.
The world was spinning in the fullest speed, while he was just there. Nothing could affect him, the line between happiness and sadness was suddenly blurred. Colors looked just the same as black and white.
Jisung sometimes forgot that the feeling called numb exists.
He was supposed to laugh when Jeongin and Felix did a silly dance in between practice. Everyone was laughing on the floor, holding onto their stomach in happy pain. Jisung wished he could feel the pain as well. But he was there anyway, letting out lackluster peals of laugh and holding onto his stomach like the others. Even when he couldn’t feel the heat of his blushing cheeks or the excitement gushing his veins.
He was supposed to be sad when he saw on his phone a text that one of his friends was in the hospital. A frown and pout of sadness should’ve appeared on his face. But why weren't they doing what they are supposed to do?
Why does his sense refuse to give a proper reflection towards human’s emotions?
His mind continued to get cloudy as the day went by. Dance practice of one song, ten minutes break, another song, repeat. Yet Jisung still couldn’t find the passion and excitement that usually swelled under his skin uncontrollably even before reaching the end of one song. He made himself run around, throwing random jokes and gushing towards every member in between practice, and he still lost. None of their laughter made it to his heart, even though his jokes seemed to reach theirs so easily.
It was unfair, and Jisung couldn’t blame anyone.
Anyone except himself.
Double clap from Chan echoed throughout the entire studio, followed by a string of words Jisung couldn’t make out with his hazy mind was what ended the group practice session. Everyone around him moved, some of them slammed themselves to the couch, some just laying and panting on the cold floor.
Thin sheen of sweat was glazing his face, his hands, and throughout his body. He glanced towards the wall-wide mirror in front of them, finding his black tee was drenched in sweat. His hair disheveled, droplets of sweat accumulated on his hairline and it was damp on his fingertips when he brushed his hair back experimentally.
Weird. He was clearly sweating, yet he didn’t feel hot at all.
“You can go to your private practice now. Also Changbin and Lino, don’t forget your English Class,” Chan’s voice weirdly made it through his clouded mind. He stared blankly towards the oldest, his pale face with strong features was glowing like a moon. His eyes squinted into crescent shape as he smiled, “Good job today, everyone!”
Chan has always been pretty.
Everyone was glowing around him, and usually their shines always made it through his gloomy days. But today was probably an exception. No matter how much Jisung pushed himself to feel, he couldn’t. His mind just refused to react with his emotions.
“Han-ah Han-ah Han-ah,” Minho’s cheery and excited voice crashed his train of thoughts.
“Do you want to get iced americano?”
Jisung’s eyebrow raised, he wanted to say no. He didn’t have energy to go anywhere right now, he didn’t even realize he hadn’t drunk throughout the entire practice session save for a couple gulps of water Seungmin forced him to drink.
“I think I need to take care of my voice, hyung. You know we have an upcoming performance in a few days,” he finally said, flinching at the confused look crossing Minho’s features. He couldn’t blame him though. Jisung wasn’t someone that would reject an iced americano.
The hearty smile Jisung forced to offer towards him was clearly foreign.
“Okay,” Minho nodded, brushing Jisung’s black hair that was still soft on his touch despite being drenched with sweats. He chuckled, “You’re so big now, Han-ah. Where did my little squirrel go? He’s so muscly now.”
Jisung laughed emptily. Not that Minho didn’t notice the thick storm inside the younger’s mind, he just didn’t know how to help.
Around ten minutes later, Jisung found himself staring at the dark big door in front of him. A huge sticker with a number 7 which the corners already slightly peeled was staring back at him, maybe it was wondering what Jisung was doing, spending five minutes just standing there and exchanging stares with the door. Not that Jisung knew why. He was confused as well.
He decided to just knock the door, for exactly three times. He couldn’t hear any noise from inside - of course, it was a studio door - but the gentle breeze of the air conditioner on the crack under the door somehow grounded him.
The door made a squeaking sound when the light from inside made it through the dimming hallway in a small rectangle shape. A face peeked through the door, the curiosity plastered on his features quickly shifted into warmth when he saw Jisung.
“Hi. Sorry for disturbing your practice,” Jisung mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck restlessly.
“You know I would never mind,” Seungmin’s voice was smooth, soft and somehow melodic with the warmth laced in his tone. The sweet and calming voice Seungmin had whenever he was singing that always managed to paint colors in monochrome Jisung.
They walked inside, Jisung was clutching on Seungmin’s long sleeve shirt’s edge. The material felt soft and appealing on his fingertips, dripping with warmth and comfort Seungmin always held in his composed presence. He rubbed his fingers experimentally, spreading the appealing feelings throughout his entire palm as a little smile tugged on his face heavily.
Seungmin pushed Jisung to sit on the couch, both his hands on Jisung’s shoulders. He stared into Jisung’s cloudy lenses, noticing the stars that used to spark beautifully weren’t there. Tilting his head to the side, he asked, “You alright?”
“It’s okay. I’m just tired I guess.”
“You should’ve come here and cry if you’re tired,” Seungmin said. He realized his words weren’t phrased right when Jisung’s eyes were blown, so he rushed to add, “I mean, you didn’t even cry, Sungie. There must be something more that makes you can’t cry, hm?”
Jisung wrapped his hands around Seungmin’s back, pulling the younger close so he was now sitting on Jisung’s lap. He rested his chin on Seungmin’s broad shoulder, closing his eyes in hopes at least tears would come out. Stacks of piling emotions were trapped in the back of his head, he should’ve felt something . But he didn’t.
He wanted to cry. He wanted to cry while holding Seungmin and engulfing himself in his lover’s warmth. But he couldn’t cry. No tears came out even when the familiar ache was spreading inside his chest. No sob ripped off his chest even when his throat was already burning in preparation.
He was beyond frustrated with himself.
Seungmin seemed to notice that Jisung was confused as well, so he decided to just stay there. Rubbing Jisung’s cold back and interlacing their hands, while Jisung’s grip on the back of his shoulder tightened as he continued to feel overwhelmed.
“Would you mind if I sing? Would it help you?” Seungmin asked with the softest voice Jisung ever heard.
Jisung dragged his gaze down, his hand now fiddling with both Seungmin’s collar and fingers, and he mumbled, in a voice so fragile that it sounded like he was so close to break at any moment, “Don’t want to bother you.”
Seungmin frowned, a heavy sigh left his lips.
“You know you won’t ever, love. I love singing and you won’t bother me if I sing for you.”
Jisung only nodded timidly, leaning and pressing his forehead on Seungmin’s chest. Seungmin hummed upon the view. Everything Jisung did right now wasn’t an unfamiliar demeanor for Seungmin. The way his head leaning completely on his chest, hands fiddling with his shirt and fingers to ground himself, lips quivering and stars dimming. They were what Jisung would look like when he cried when being overwhelmed with the world. But the fact that he wasn’t crying this time was what concerned him the most.
Jisung was too overwhelmed, to the point that his body even refused to take any other emotions to cross.
With his hand still rubbing circles on Jisung’s back, the words softly lulled out of his tongue, bouncing and reverberating around the four-walls studio.
Once again it all comes down,
All your stars that used to shine
Taking it all back one by one
It’s alright to do so till you’re fine
He felt the grip tightened on his back, Jisung’s shoulders were practically vibrating as the tears slowly made their way out of his eyes, soaking Seungmin’s shirt along with a pained, shaky inhale.
Seungmin felt a warmth spreading on his chest where Jisung’s head was leaning, but he kept singing, knowing that the lulls of melody was the only thing that could ease out the pouring rain in Jisung’s mind.
I’ll be there, I’ll be walking forward with you
Singing till the end, even if this song is endless
Though it takes while, take your time to breathe
I’ll sing for you who can’t even show your pain to the world
A sob ripped itself from Jisung’s chest. The walls finally collapsed, waves and waves of emotions washed through him as more tears flowed. Jisung was actually crying, wailing incoherent words and broken sobs while gasping for air, holding onto Seungmin’s shirt like his life depended on it.
Yet Seungmin didn’t stop.
His hand moved to brush on Jisung’s hair, holding him close so their body was now flushed together. Seungmin could feel each of Jisung’s sobs, and Jisung could feel each of Seungmin’s regular breaths along with the angelic voice Seungmin rings next to his ear.
He wanted the clock to stop ticking and let him enjoy this moment longer.
Here I am, look for me and I’ll protect you
Singing till the end, even if this song is endless
In the longest nights, when you’re too tired to fight
I’ll be there to hold you closer till you’re fine, till you’re alright
They stayed like that for the rest of the night. Seungmin wrapped his hands around Jisung and engulfed him with warmth, while Jisung curled himself into a ball like it was his second nature, letting Seungmin to hold him and tuning out the world from him.
For once, he just wanted to forget the actual world existed.
He just wanted to be like this, being held by Seungmin and being lost inside the younger’s warmth.
And Seungmin would always be willing to help Jisung going through the night that seemed endless, where Jisung had become too tired to fight over the world.