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The idea of taking a break didn't sink in until he started seeing everyone less and less in the dorms during the day, and knocked out in the evening. Nothing felt different during the first few months of his rest, but as Dream's first comeback date drew closer, Jaemin was slowly hit by the realization that he was sitting this one out, that he wasn't going to be a part of something he worked so hard and was so excited for. Watching the other members' backs disappear out the door one by one to start their day of preparations hurt Jaemin with each we're heading off nows and have funs .
"And today, we miss Mark more than ever," Donghyuck says with glimmering eyes in front of thousands of people. And despite being so bold, Donghyuck is never one to show the weight he carries, especially with that amount of people present.
But Jaemin hears it. He hears the faintest crack in Donghyuck's voice with his confession. He hears the loud exhale Jeno lets out. He watches Chenle tighten his jaw as he looks ahead, not at the crowd, but through them. He sees Renjun biting his lip, and most of all, he witnesses Jisung crumble so bad .
Jaemin notices because while he loves blending into the background when they're together, he pays attention . It’s what spending a year excluded from any group activity did to him.
The concert is more than successful, and their usual chatter and bickering fill their car ride back home. The silence in between though, holds so many unspoken words. The post-concert high dissolves into thick air the further they get from the arena. All six of them start thinking of the same things, yet no one dares to speak.
Jaemin sleeps with hundreds of thoughts plaguing his mind that night. He thinks about their future, about Jisung’s future, how their youngest will eventually be left alone when the rest of them graduate. He thinks about Mark, about how he finally got to come home to them, only to have Mark taken away shortly. He thinks about how he just loses something—someone—every time. He lost himself during his break. Now, in his return, he loses the person who had always made him feel safe.
Mark, who always knew what to say despite stumbling on his words more often than not, who just has this immense amount of happiness, comfort, and passion within himself, he doesn’t even realize the effect he has on every person he meets. He’s just so painfully amazing, and Jaemin’s heart aches for his absence at the only concert Dream was probably ever going to have.
It’s pointless and exhausting, but he still lets the thoughts run. Just like how he used to.
Jaemin never felt disconnected from Dream. It’s impossible to be when they technically live in one roof on top of being childhood best friends, even when he was on a break. But when he came back from his hiatus, he felt more out of place than ever, especially during the first few days of preparations for Go. While nothing really changed in his relationships with the members, the six of them have already created a dynamic that works perfectly without Jaemin. He felt like he missed so much—too much—that he needed to triple the effort to make up to all the lost time brought by his absence.
Jaemin, much like Donghyuck, doesn’t let anything get to him. Or he doesn’t show it, at least. He knows he gets an icky feeling when he’s with the rest of the guys, like time’s always breathing down his neck and if he stops moving even for one second, he’s going to fall behind again a hundred steps back.
But that's something only Jaemin knows, or so he thought.
When practice ends on the first Friday night of Go promotions, Jaemin lets the others know that he’s staying behind for a little while longer. They don’t question it, thinking nothing out of it.
The guys take off after gathering their belongings, bidding Jaemin their goodbyes. Not for Mark, though. He lingers in the practice room, and the five of them understand that Mark was staying to practice as well, so they continue on their way without him.
Jaemin gives Mark a confused look before he wordlessly continues going over the routine. For a couple minutes, the only sounds that could be heard were the squeaks made by the contact between Jaemin’s sneakers and the wooden floor. Mark stays unmoving, looking at Jaemin through his reflection in the mirror.
Jaemin notices this, but he doesn’t let up. He does his best in ignoring Mark’s strange behavior and continues dancing.
Ultimately, Mark hesitates for a moment before he says, “You know we’re still us, right?” There was a hint of uncertainty in his voice.
This bewilders Jaemin even more. Huh, took him long enough to say only that, Jaemin thinks.
“What?” Jaemin stops his movements and looks back at the older through the mirror as well.
“You don’t have to speed up or anything. Like, stop feeling like you have to match our pace,” Mark says with more conviction this time, as Jaemin turns to directly look him in the eye. “We’re just glad to have you back, Jaem. You’re already doing more than enough.”
Now this encompasses Jaemin’s shock. Jaemin likes to think that he has been doing well in hiding his doubts from the members. Whether it was a derived conclusion from weeks of observation, or just a simple wild guess by Mark is beyond him.
Jaemin didn’t realize how much he needed to hear those words from Mark. And it felt like a huge weight was taken off of his chest, and time decides to stop breathing down his neck, and to properly serve Jaemin now. He looks down at the floor for a bit before looking back up at Mark.
“Yeah,” Jaemin says with a small smile.
Mark smiles back, a short moment of silent agreement exchanged between the two. And Mark finally joins Jaemin, both synchronously dancing to a telepathic beat.
But time, ever so cruel, served Jaemin by putting a number to the amount of days Mark had left with them and the finality of his leave instead. The last day came and everything felt in disarray again with their schedules for Boom.
It never felt right, officially promoting as six. It shows when they feel relaxed enough in the sets they’re in. Jeno, having taken over the leader position, still had times where he’d completely forget he was supposed to start their introduction, even after months of constantly going to music shows, radio guestings, TV appearances, and whatnot without Mark. By the end of such shoots, the members make fun of his mindless mistakes, but they all know those weren’t exactly mindless, because they have grown so accustomed to Mark’s presence they expect someone—Mark—to do his part in their routine.
They all know that they share the unconscious choice of leaving a space for Mark. And occasionally getting 7 drinks instead of only 6. And the weird waiting they do with the car door wide open when they’re about to leave a venue, as if they’re expecting a seventh person to get on.
And though Mark wasn’t there to film with them during Ridin’s MV shoot, the eldest visiting the set meant everything to the six boys. They jokingly excluded Mark from the Dream chant, but they could never deny the fullness each of them feel whenever they do it as seven. Like when Mark visited their Inkigayo pre-recording for Dream’s 3rd anniversary, in an outfit that didn’t match theirs.
Naturally, the six of them fall more comfortable with their usual routine. The only differences are that a seventh person never stands with them in a line anymore in official schedules, and they learn to shut the car door right after the sixth member gets in.
Spending a year uninvolved with any Dream promotion made Jaemin overthink about being able to ever come back. He saw it before, companies announcing their idols taking a break, a mask to hide the truth from the public. Regardless of how big they got, it can end with them leaving the group with an official statement, or just disappearing from the industry, not a single word from the agency. And SM is no stranger to such schemes. Jaemin didn’t want either to happen, but he’s not gonna lie about waiting everyday during his rest for an SM staff to finally tell him that they’re letting him go. He was ready to hear it; he convinced himself he was.
So when Mark graduated—when Dream’s concept took its first victim, Jaemin found himself coming to terms with Mark never coming back, the same way he was with himself before. And though it isn’t as bad as totally leaving SM, the emotional toll it took upon the remaining members was on par, especially with Jaemin, who understands the pain of having a firm but unwanted resolve.
It’s exactly why it came as the biggest surprise when they were told about Mark returning, even more so with the graduation system being fully abolished. It didn’t sink in right away this time either. It only does when Mark comes with them to shoot 7llin’ in the Dream. They were hyper aware of the way seven people made their way to the vacation house together in one car, and the seven drinks they bought from the grocery store, stacked uniformly in the fridge earlier. They could see it every time they opened it.
Right now, they were gathered around the fire, each of them taking turns in saying something for a member the rest has to guess after. Jaemin sits quietly. It isn’t obvious, but he pays close attention to what everyone has to say, just like he always does.
The atmosphere is warm, even though it’s so cold out they had to stuff their hands into the pockets of their coats. The crackling of the firewood is comforting, to say the least. But it wouldn’t be a reach to say that the presence of Mark is mainly responsible for the ambience they have going on right now. Jaemin shares the same sentiments with Renjun and silently thanks him for telling Mark how grateful he is for him.
He also sees how Renjun got teary-eyed, which then makes Jaemin think about all the times Mark let the members lean on him, how he’s so patient with them despite the headaches they give him. Mark is someone who never shows his exhaustion, and Jaemin wishes he could properly validate all of the leader’s perseverance.
He knew Mark as someone who says the very right things unconsciously, and he does exactly that to Jaemin’s thoughts.
“I still remember so much about him from back in the days,” says Mark. He continues, “He’s someone I really want to keep spending a good time with in the future.”
“That’s it?” Jeno asks.
“Yeah. It’s Jaemin.”
Jaemin hides how taken aback he was by laughing. “I must be hard to understand,” he jokingly says right after. Mark laughs at that. And it’s true, it’s hard to predict what Jaemin does next. But for some reason, Mark only needs to take one look at him, and he’d already know what’s going on inside Jaemin’s head.
“I get almost everything about you guys now,” Mark supplies. That, too, is true, and Jaemin is still left wondering about how Mark still manages to read him without trying. He’s still so Mark even after all these years.
Jaemin opts to talk about Jisung on his turn; he figures he’ll tell Mark about everything some other time instead.
Some other time instead is at the crack of dawn later that evening, with Jaemin cuddled up beside Mark. He shows vulnerability with the older. The way Jaemin asked if he could sleep beside him because he was cold is only one of those moments, often happening off-cam.
Both were awake, but they let the crickets fill in the silence for a while.
“Hyung.”
A beat of silence passes before Mark responds, “Hm?”
“Thank you.”
Mark doesn’t respond. But Jaemin hears him shuffle closer towards his back, and that is all he needs to know that Mark gets it.
Jaemin thought that time served him excruciatingly well in counting the days they went on without Mark. Jaemin wishes he knew better, because he should have counted them as days before Mark comes home. But it’s okay, he thinks. Because right now, everything feels right in place, here, in Mark’s arms.