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Hinata may not think very much, but he does like to analyze himself.
At night is the best time. He enjoys laying on his bed right before he goes to sleep, staring at the ceiling and picking his brain apart.
Most nights, he thinks about volleyball. About spiking the ball as hard as he can and looking down from the summit. About the look on his teammates' faces when he finally nails a receive or when he scores a miracle point. About winning. Those are good nights.
Hinata also has bad nights. Like today.
These nights, he can't think about anything but himself. About how he never stops talking, always annoying people into interacting with him. About how carried away he gets. About the trouble he causes. About the burden he is on his team. These nights, he wonders what Karasuno would be like without him there. Fine, probably. They have Kageyama to bring them victory, after all. Daichi and Nishinoya to save the day. Tsukishima to hold down the fort. Asahi and Tanaka to score the points. Plenty of skilled players. He doesn't believe that they would miss him. Narita played amazingly well during the Shiratorizawa game , he thinks. Why would they need me when they have Narita?
It's there where he starts to spiral. When Narita was on the court, Suga got to play. When Hinata wasn't needed, other players got to shine. So maybe Hinata shouldn't be needed. But then again, how conceited was he to think he was needed in the first place? It wasn't him that Karasuno really wanted. It was Kageyama. Hinata was Kageyama's tool. Without Kageyama, Hinata has no place on the team at all.
That might have been true before , his brain reasons, but things are different now. Are they? Is Hinata different? He doesn't think so. He still has no weapon but the freak quick, even after everything he's done to improve. Why? Why can't Hinata get better? Is he just destined to drag his team down?
He wonders if he would be better off dead. It's a strong reaction, especially when all he's been thinking about is volleyball, but volleyball is his life . He has nothing without it. So if he can't play volleyball, does Hinata have any purpose in life? Probably not. Then, maybe he should be dead. He wonders who would care. Fingers scratch at skin. Hinata doesn't care enough to notice.
Do you think your teammates are that heartless?
Immediately, Hinata hates himself even more. How could he insult his teammates like that? His friends?
and now he’s presumptuous enough to consider them his friends they deserve so much better than him
And now he finds himself running circles in his thoughts because why would he assume that they care about him? Has he been pushing that onto them?
but daichi always buys him meat buns and suga goes with him to refill his water and
They’re simply being teammates. It's out of obligation. It's offensive to assume otherwise.
or is rude to accuse them of not truly caring?
He doesn't know how long it's been since he's gone down this rabbit hole but his wrist is red and swelling
and he wishes he was brave enough to use a knife but he's not because he's a coward and he isn't even depressed anyways so why would he do that
. He finds himself switching hands, his sharp nails grasping for something, some semblance of control, something to bring him back to reality. After another confusing circle of thoughts, he drags himself out of it. He already knows how that will end anyways. He’ll spare himself the pain and self-loathing for tonight, even if he doesn't deserve it. Which he doesn't. Why would he, when he’s as immature and irritating as he is? When he does nothing but get in people’s way? Of course he doesn't deserve it.
But Hinata Shouyou is fine. Because why wouldn’t he be?
He goes to bed before midnight almost every day without fail and wakes up right at his alarm. He's never late to practice, or to class. Maybe his grades aren't the best, but they're getting better slowly. He plays volleyball with Kageyama and hangs out with his teammates after practice. He eats well, takes care of himself most of the time, and has plenty of friends to talk to! Hinata Shouyou has no reason to be depressed. Even if Kageyama is a constant reminder that he needs to do better, work harder, because if he's left behind once again there will be nothing left for him. Even if he barely talks to his team outside of school, too terrified to bother them with unnecessary messages and force them to respond. Even if he's stopped eating dinner and stopped brushing his teeth. Even if Izumin and Kouji have stopped talking to him for some reason he doesn't know, ignoring his messages in group chats and putting little effort into their conversations. Because Hinata Shouyou is him, and he is bright, and he will be nothing but bright until he's out of fuel to run on.
Besides , he reasons, if they don't like me anymore, they won't have to feel guilty when I die.
That's another train of thought he's been on lately. Death. It's not like Hinata wants to commit suicide or anything, because he's not depressed and has no reason to think that way. It's more like.. if he were to fall off of a balcony and snap his neck, or if his deteriorating health landed him on death’s doorstep... well, to be honest, he wouldn't care at all. So Hinata Shouyou does not want to die. He just wouldn't care if it happened.
Still, he does think about what might happen if he did decide to kill himself. Would he write letters? No , he decides. That would force them to care. He doesn't want to make anyone sad. He thinks that he won’t commit suicide until there’s no one left to feel bad. That doesn't stop him from dreaming about it though. He’s a coward, so he would probably pick a painless method. Maybe overdose? Jumping off a building? He imagines falling, sinking into darkness. He doesn't find the idea so bad.
Eventually, he shakes himself out of those thoughts. If he thinks too hard, he might actually want to do it. And that would be bad, right? It's now that he notices how red his other wrist is. Hinata blinks at the angry red scratch marks on both wrists. He holds his hands together instead of scratching further, preferring to dig his nails into his fat fingers until there are crescents embedded on every digit. Once he wondered if this counted as self harm. But he never draws blood, so he concluded that it wasn't. And in any case, only mentally unwell people self harm, right? Hinata Shouyou is not mentally ill, so he has no right to pretend like he is.
Ah, pretending . His brain jumps on that word. Why wouldn't it, when all Hinata does is pretend? It's stupid and it's disgusting how he pretends that he has problems. Because he doesn't. He's just a normal teenager going through normal teenager things, and yet he has the nerve to blow it all out of proportion. He's pretending that he's not okay, but he is. If he wasn't, he would be crying every night right? Staying up until dawn? Hurting himself? But he's not doing any of that. He’s not crying. So, obviously, he must not be sad. Or depressed. Or mentally ill in any way. His brain is just being stupid and terrible and making him believe that everything is worse than it is. He is fine. It's like that word Yachi taught to him the other day- something similar to place, he thinks. He hates himself for forgetting something she worked so hard to teach him. Placebe? Placebo? Placebo sounds nice. He thinks that might be the one. Placebo was when the brain convinced its person that something was true when it actually wasn't. His brain was definitely being a placebo. Doing a placebo? Using? He feels stupid for not knowing how to use the word. It doesn't matter.
A small, suppressed part of his mind thinks: Maybe the placebo is telling yourself that you're actually okay.
Hinata’s happier to believe that that area of his brain is the placebo. Doing the placebo. Whatever.
Now, he’s sure that he's figured it all out. His brain is lying to him, placebo-ing him into thinking that he's sad. He's not actually sad! That makes much more sense. And he's so, so unbelieving idiotic for not realizing it before, but he should thank Yachi because without her he never would've known at all!
It's now that he finally releases his hands. He observes the bright red nail indents on the sides of his fingers, rubbing them gently. It's just placebo. He’s okay. And he’s definitely not depressed, though he knew that already.
How do I undo a placebo? He ponders. He’ll have to ask Yachi tomorrow. The thought of bothering her makes him wince, but surely she wouldn't mind. Yachi’s nice, after all. Way too nice to him. She probably feels bad for him.
Maybe he shouldn't ask her.
He looks at his hands again, so tempted to dig nails into flesh again for reasons he can't explain. But unlike earlier, now he wonders if that’s part of the placebo. Suddenly he doesn't want to do that anymore.
His eyes trail to the clock on his bedside drawer. It's almost eleven. Hinata decides to go to sleep, because that's what normal people do and he is going to be normal
even if it kills him
because he is not depressed. And he will not lose to a placebo.
So he decides to stop thinking and close his eyes. It doesn't go completely as planned, but Hinata is an expert at repressing his thoughts, if at nothing else.
He tells himself that he's okay, and that’s all he needs.