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Chapter Text

It was late July, and Yuuko Aioi was more nervous post-finals than she was when actually taking them.

The moment her English final ended, she ran out the gymnasium, expecting to be swept up by the bliss of academic freedom: a too-short month and a half of respite. But this was not to be so, as the moment she left those doors, the ever-nervous Izumi Sakurai was waiting for her.

“U-um, Ms. Aioi?” she stuttered out, causing Yuuko to halt in her tracks. “I-I was wondering if I could talk to you for a moment.”

Ideally, Yuuko would’ve just said, “Actually, sorry, you can’t; see you later!” But she had a feeling this wasn’t just some run-of-the-mill discipline scenario considering how by all normal metrics she should technically be out of school. And you can’t punish anyone when school’s out, despite how much her mom insists otherwise. Instead, Yuuko just went with a simple, deadpan, “Sure.”

Ms. Sakurai smiled, and nervously motioned for her to come to her office, scuttling along like an embarrassed beetle. Upon arriving, Ms. Sakurai stammered, “P-please, take a seat.” Yuuko obliged.

Ms. Sakurai proceeded to take a manila folder from the top of her workspace and opened it. “N-now, Ms. Aioi, I want you to know that you’re n-not in trouble.” The stammering was worse. “H-however,” she paused, “I-I need to talk to you about something important!” She ended that sentence sounding more forceful than she intended to be, taking even herself by surprise. Yuuko, meanwhile, sat unphased, used to the curious behavior of her counsellor/teacher by now.

She continued. “Y-you only barely managed to pass your classes this year, w-which is similar to h-how you performed in junior high school, b-b-but, that’s exactly the thing: I-I’m worried about you.”

Yuuko merely shuffled her hands, trying to avoid eye contact by looking at the various decorations plastered around the room, leg bouncing. Ms. Sakurai continued. “N-now, speaking as your teacher, as well as having talked to others, we think it’s fair to say that you aren’t purposefully c-careless. That is, so to say!” She was walking on eggshells, at least in her mind. “You clearly take interest in some subjects and make an effort to p-pay attention. B-but… well, we t-think there’s s-something… more… going on… t-that is, if you understand w-what I’m trying to get at, if that makes s-sense.”

Yuuko, admittedly, did not understand what she was talking about. Well, she absolutely was able to acknowledge her shortcomings as a student, but she wasn’t exactly sure what all this was supposed to culminate into.

She continued. “N-now, I assure you, I-I’ve talked all this over, and I’m also using my e-experience here, as well as from university, to inform my, um, idea. Or proposal. Or suggestion. Or… statement, yeah, that’s the word!” Yuuko swore she could see sweat forming on the woman’s forehead. She chose not to comment.

“S-so…”

There was a dramatic pause. Ms. Sakurai was making that infamous closed-eyed, wide-smile expression of hers while she pondered things nervously. Yuuko, however, was on edge. She had no idea what this all meant. She began speaking her first words. “U-um Ms. Sak-“

“I would like you to come here tomorrow at this time with your mother to talk about your performance!”

Silence (again). Yuuko sat stunned. Silence (even more). Ms. Sakurai still had that same expression. Yuuko was frozen mid-motion. After what felt like an eternity, Ms. Sakurai got up with the folder in hand. She hadn’t even opened it. “W-well, I’ll see you tomorrow then!” she expressed cheerfully. “I hope you have a good summer break!”

And with that, Yuuko was in the present, passing through the school entrance with her mother at her side. Mrs. Aioi was just as confused as her, though definitely less nervous and more annoyed. They still had no idea what this meeting was supposed to be about other than Yuuko’s performance. Usually, it was her dad who would get irritated about grades and academics. Her mom mostly cared about her daughter figuring out what she’d even do with her life, and that she showed up to school at all.

Upon walking into Ms. Sakurai’s office, they were met with the sight of one Izumi Sakurai and a complete and utter stranger conversing with one another. Upon noticing them, Ms. Sakurai was taken aback by Mrs. Aioi’s sullen appearance, and proceeded to slink out of her line of sight, allowing the man to step forward, smiling.

“I presume you are Ms. Aioi and Ms. Aioi’s mother?” he spoke softly.

“Please. Just call her Yuuko and me Mrs. Aioi so we can get this done as soon as possible.”

To her dissatisfaction, the man did not waver in the slightest at the confrontational tone. He merely kept smiling. “Sure, I can do that. Why don’t you take a seat?”

Yuuko sat, visibly nervous and messing with her fingers. Her mom followed, but not before rolling her eyes at the man to make her point clear. Ms. Sakurai had still not said a word. The silence was all the more noticeable once the man motioned for her to talk. She quickly took her seat. “N-now, first off I wanted to thank you for meeting with us today.”

“Not like we had a choice,” said Mrs. Aioi. She was only met with Ms. Sakurai’s nervous smile and closed eyes. “W-well, I want to introduce you to Dr. Miyamura. Doctor?”

The man stood and bowed. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Yuuko was still staring at the floor. Her mom barely reacted to the greeting. “Well, I’m sure you all are a bit confused as to why I am here,” he spoke. Again, he was met with silence. Ms. Sakurai broke in this time. “D-Dr. Miyamura is a psychiatrist, who we at the school know and trust, a-and we brought him in after discussing Yuuko’s situation with her teachers as they, as well as Dr. Miyamura himself, believe what we are about to tell you.”

“Yeah, yeah. Yuuko already told me about how this was about her performance or whatever. What’s the big news?”

Dr. Miyamura took the folder that Ms. Sakurai had in her lap and opened it. Yuuko would’ve noticed it was the same folder from yesterday if she wasn’t still looking at the floor.

“It is our belief, using what limited observation we have, as well as with my professional opinion, that your daughter, Mrs. Aioi, has ADHD.”

That got Yuuko to look up. Her mom, realizing this was not some simple lecture about performance and grades and went far beyond that, suddenly started taking everything a lot more seriously and sat up straight. She understood now why this had to be in person and had to take time out of her day.

Nonetheless, her stern nature shone through. “What the hell does that mean?”

He smiled, causing Ms. Sakurai to realize the high level of patience he possessed to be able to put up with such hostility. “It’s actually an acronym, in English. It means Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, which, to put it in simple Japanese terms, means ‘disorder characterized by hyperactivity and an abnormally difficult ability to pay attention to things.”

Mrs. Aioi glared. “How the hell is that a disorder? Are you insulting my daughter?!”

Again, he was cool and confident, and laughed. “No, no, not at all. It’s actually something entirely out of Yuuko’s control.”

Yuuko’s leg bounced up and down, her heart pounding. Oh god, was there something wrong with her? Was she insane? Was-

“Essentially, it’s just a genetic disorder that leads to all sorts of varying symptoms, but with them all being related to each other. The DSM classifies it under three different types, though I cannot say which without knowing your daughter personally. Which, actually brings me to my point. Ms. Sakurai?”

To her credit, Ms. Sakurai managed to stop closing her eyes and all but cowering in fear after Mrs. Aioi’s outburst. She quickly shook herself to pay attention. “Yes, u-um, it is our professional opinion as the school that your daughter meet with Dr. Miyamura for appointments and testing, as we have reason to suspect that she has untreated ADHD that is negatively affecting her performance.”

Yuuko was certainly not expecting this. She was expecting to be scolded and then to go home feeling terrible about herself. This, however, she did not understand. And that might’ve been worse. ”M-Mom… what does this mean?”

Dr. Miyamura spoke for her. “Like I said, it’s a genetic thing. Your brain behaves differently from most other people. Which isn’t a bad thing! It actually has a lot of positive characteristics attributed to it too, like an abnormally high work ethic for things you’re interested in, and people with ADHD tend to be very successful and intelligent. But it comes with a lot of downsides that can cancel out those positive characteristics if unmonitored and untreated, such as the inability to start tasks that need to be finished, a constant lack of stimulation leading to inattentiveness, and hyperactivity that can lead to impulsivity and anxiety.”

Yuuko took this info in. Well, that certainly sounds like me… she thought. And he says I’ll be fine, but…

“W-will other people understand?”

“You still haven’t been diagnosed yet, you know,” he remarked. “There’s still a chance you don’t have it. But to answer… that really depends on the sort of people you surround yourself with.”

I couldn’t even begin to describe the kind of people I hang out with, she thought.

Mrs. Aioi still looked skeptical. This was an entire world of health and medicine and mental illness that she was wholly unaccustomed and foreign to. She had never seen a psychiatrist, therapist, or psychologist in her life, and she didn’t intend to start any time soon. Yet, there was one thing that stood above all of that, something that was far more important, and that thing was sitting right next to her.

“…Alright. I’ll get home and check my calendar and call. Do you have a card?”

“I do,” he said, clearly pleased that he didn’t have to convince this unusually terrifying woman of his legitimacy. He quickly handed her a card, and with a few “thanks” and “byes,” the Aioi’s exited the school building.

Only for it all to catch up to Yuuko as she began crying.

“M-Mom…” she managed to get out. “D-do you think I’m weird now? That I’m a freak?”

In truth, Yuuko was far less concerned about the academic implications and far more concerned with how this would affect her. Her perception of herself. Her perception of others, too. Fifteen minutes ago, she walked into this building expecting a lecture and was instead hit in the head with news that, despite it not having been made to sound bad, scared her to death. She barely had any time to process what was being said, what it meant, and how she felt about it before she was thrust out again into the cold world she knew, one where she couldn’t help but think she was destined to fail. And that was the biggest fear of all, alongside alienation – failure.

“Yuuko.” Her mom stopped in her tracks, turned around, and suddenly firmly gripped her daughter’s shoulders. “I… I know your father and I are tough on you. But… that’s because we want the best from you. And if you have some disorder or whatever, I couldn’t care less about it. Because when I see you, I see my daughter, the growing woman I care about more than anyone else, and I want you to succeed no matter what. And you won’t do it alone. I’m here to help, and if you need to get on medication or get treated or whatever, so be it. And above all, I love you.”

A rare, heartfelt conversation with her mom was something that happened every now and then for Yuuko. And it never failed to make her tear up. Which was why she was sobbing now, hugging her mom as tightly as possible, the woman who had suplexed her only a few months earlier. “I-I love you too…”

And so began a new chapter of Yuuko Aioi’s life; one that would somehow make more of a difference on her life than even meeting a talking cat had.

Chapter Text

Yuuko unceremoniously opened her bedroom door and flopped onto her bed, face down onto the pillow, sighing, arms spread out like a starfish.

It was official. She had ADHD.

It had been a busy week. Dr. Miyamura, since he was a psychiatrist, referred her to a local psychologist, whereupon they assessed her brain activity and cognitive functions by making her do hour long tests on the spot. Today, she met with Dr. Miyamura again, not only for him to get to know her better, but to read out her reports and whether or not she “passed” the test.

It was her first A+ since middle school. Hyperfixations, an overactive mind, constant need for stimulation, bouts of sensory overload, fidgeting, trouble focusing, and severe executive dysfunction to round it all out. Of course, the test didn’t account for all of that, but he was prompt to point out various behaviors her teachers had observed, and some were so visible he could notice them within such a short time of knowing her. Things she had suffered with her whole life, for better or for worse, and aspects of her she was pressured to keep under check as it was supposedly the cause of her being a bad student. Plus, she had to be “normal,” as one of her kindergarten teachers oh so politely put it for her.

She sighed harder.

With the very quick (in her opinion) summer vacation students were allotted, she made sure these appointments didn’t get in the way of her having fun. They did anyway – she had to structure plans around testing sessions, and whenever she hung out with her friends, she had to pretend nothing was wrong; that the thoughts at the forefront of her psyche were non-existent.

Well, to be fair, she didn’t have to - she could’ve easily just told them, “Hey guys, it turns out I might have ADHD, so I’m being subject to a bunch of weird boring tests that’ll somehow prove whether or not I have a mental illness; neat huh?” The problem was she had no idea how to broach the subject, and she wasn’t even sure if she wanted to in the first place. She had a hunch her dad was right – if they weren’t understanding and outcast her from their group, then they weren’t her friends in the first place. And her mom was first to question how Mai and Mio, friends for a few years now, could possibly be so cruel to someone so close to them.

But it wasn’t so much total alienation that Yuuko feared; rather, she feared that it would affect everything around her. What if they started treating her differently? What if it caused them to slowly drift away, looking for “normal” people? What if they laughed at her, mocked her, got uncomfortable in her presence? And even beyond that, what if her medication would numb her entire personality and would take away everything they liked about her?

Oh right, the medication. Yuuko had a follow-up appointment in a few days to discuss medical history so a specific drug could be prescribed to her. They all have different effects on different people, apparently, despite serving the same overall purpose. She’d never taken a pill before, but whatever. She didn’t understand and didn’t care to. She left that up to the experts.
In fact, she couldn’t help but feel apathetic about everything now. Numb and unsure of what her future looked like, what this meant for her and her identity, and how it would shape her coming forward.

She just sat and stared at the ceiling, watching her fan spin and spin and spin. If she focused hard enough, she could make out each individual blade, making for a neat optical effect. But she was merely distracting her brain.

She sighed once more.

Yuuko’s phone pinged, causing her to groan and roll onto her side to check it. It was the group chat; Nano was confirming the plans for tomorrow. Lunch, downtown, 12:30. Yuuko confirmed she’d be there before turning the phone off altogether, not wanting to hear any more vibrations for the evening. Not at least before dinner.

“Yuuko, I noticed that you’ve been less energetic than usual lately. Are you getting enough sleep?” asked Nano.

“Yuuko hasn’t been getting enough sleep since she left the womb,” quipped Mio, making eye contact with the girl in question.
Yuuko merely ran through the motions in her mind. This was the exact setting her mom told her to utilize. Everyone’s guards are down, everyone is sitting and relaxed, there’s no fear of being talked over… she just had to rip off the bandage.

“Yuuko?” Nano asked.

She blinked and shook her head, not knowing how long she had been in lost in thought. “Yeah, I’m fine,” she said frustratedly. “And yeah, I’ve been getting enough sleep; it’s summer break after all. I’ve just had something on my mind.”

“Like what?” asked Mio eagerly, smile on her face. Yuuko felt the dryness of her throat and fervently drank her soda in response. She gulped, paused, and looked down at her lap before continuing: “You have to promise me something though.”

“And what’s that?”

“That it won’t change how you see me.”

Mio and Nano looked at each other in confusion. Mai was still blank faced as ever, eyeing her plate and eating the fried rice she’d ordered on the side, seemingly oblivious to all going on around her. Yuuko knew she was paying attention, though. Taking a deep breath, she steadied herself. Lifting her head up, she realized she couldn’t make eye contact, so she just looked at a tree behind Mio, who was directly across.

“…After finals, Ms. Sakurai approached me. Like, literally, after finals. In the hallway. She dragged me to her office and told me to bring my mom the next day. And I did. It turns out I wasn’t doing so hot.” Yuuko was sweating nervously, increased exponentially by the blistering summer air that surrounded them as they lounged about outdoors on the restaurant patio. “So, I got sent to a psychiatrist because of some suspicions from my teachers, and long story short… I have ADHD.”

Silence. They were wide-eyed, jaws dropped, even Mai couldn’t help but stare.

…Is what Yuuko expected to happen. Instead, Mio and Nano looked at each other expectingly, waiting for her to say something else, no change in facial expressions. Mai didn’t even look up.

Yuuko had her eyes closed as if watching a horror movie. She thought maybe she rushed it. She should’ve talked about the tests, or her grades, or what Dr. Miyamura and the psychologist had said, or her mom’s initial reaction. But that silence was impenetrable despite the nonchalant appearances of her friends (though that was likely due to the fact she couldn’t even see their reactions in the first place). Mio began adjusting her hair clips before speaking, prompting Yuuko to open an eye in hesitation. “…What does that mean?”

That was the one response Yuuko hadn’t accounted for. The, “I don’t know what the hell an ADHD is; is that a manga or something?”

“It’s…” Yuuko suddenly was wide-eyed and averted her gaze to her shoes. She was sinking into her chair, feeling her skin melt into the seat. It felt way hotter all of a sudden. Nano looked concerned while Mio retained that perplexed expression she had since the start. Not sure what to say, Yuuko began stumbling through her words, trying to formulate a response. “I… it’s, uh… it’s-“

“ADHD is a psychological disorder characterized by a lack of attention and hyperactivity. The preferred treatment is medication, of which there are several different types and methods. Yuuko is saying she has an abnormal way of thinking about things compared to the majority of the population as a result, and chances are she is scared not only about what it means for her, but how it will affect her relationships with those around her as well.” Said Mai.

The other three sat stunned. Never before had a string of words that long come out of Mai’s mouth, and it showed. Mai herself even seemed a bit embarrassed, refusing to make eye contact and noticeably stiff in her seat as she finished what was left on her plate. This was wholly unexpected from Mai.

Which, in other words, is exactly what to expect from Mai.

“…Yeah, that.” Said Yuuko.

Mio sat there before lightly chuckling. “Yuuko, those are all things I associated with you anyway. Just because we know the cause of it is a disorder doesn’t mean that I’ll treat you differently. I already know you have trouble with those things. I’m glad you’re able to get the help you need.”

“Y-yeah! Mio’s right! You deserve the best help you can get, and we’ll support you all the way through!” Nano exclaimed. “I-I mean, it’s not going to cause you to spend less time with us, right?”

Yuuko perked up at this. “Y-yeah! I’m still the good ol’ same Yuuko you know! A-and they say that the medication won’t impact my personality even though I’m… still kind of scared of it. But that doesn’t matter! I trust them! And soon I’ll be the best student you’ve ever seen once I can finally focus!”

It was a classic Yuuko-180. Her emotional state rose exponentially as she physically felt the weight taken off her chest. She’d normally cry and be overly sentimental over a response like this, but for Yuuko, she only had one thing in mind – relief. Relief that she didn’t have to explain it. Relief it didn’t have to haunt her friends’ thoughts and opinions of her. She just slumped in her chair with a big smile on her face.

The sleepover was going well so far. After a normal day out on the town, with Yuuko back to her normal, peppy self, they’d returned to Shinonome Lab to chill out, get some delivery, and talk. After Nano put Hakase to bed around 9:00 p.m., everyone helped move the kotatsu to a corner and rolled out their futons in a rough square shape, laying blankets around the floor as they did so. All in their pajamas, teeth brushed, and fresh out of the shower, it was time to go to bed.

…Or at least, get in bed. No one ever goes to sleep immediately during a sleepover, do they?

Nano sat with her legs crossed, talking about her various tasks and troubles with the pouty Hakase and the meddlesome Sakamoto, who she felt was getting even bolder than he already had been. Mio laid flat on her stomach, kicking her feet in the air as she excitedly talked about new drawing techniques and stories she’d been reading, as well as discuss her manga’s plot developments, making sure not to go into so much detail as to cause Nano to pass out from embarrassment or Yuuko to pee her pants in laughter. Yuuko laid on her side in a classic modeling pose as she detailed her various neurological escapades from the past week and a half. And Mai merely sat flat on her back, looking at the ceiling, occasionally commenting.

“Mai, what have you done so far?” Mio asked excitedly.

“…Video games,” she said, deadpan.

Mio wasn’t one to give up so easily. “…What kind of game?”

“…Shooter.”

Time to whip out the big guns, she thought, huffing in frustration. She can’t dodge every question. “What’s the name? What’s the story? How are the characters? What’s the gameplay like? Who’s it made by?” Mio didn’t even play many games but she felt compelled to get a decent response out of Mai, who was as still as a rock at this point. She even still had her glasses on.

“…You shoot things.”

“Now, now, Mio,” Yuuko replied snarkily. “You still haven’t mastered the art of Mai Chi. Watch and learn.” She turned towards Mai, breaking her admittedly not very comfortable pose. “Mai, I bet I could kick your ass at that game.”

“It’s from 1991.”

“That’s her way of telling me I’m too much of an amateur to play such a hard old game, and the fact she didn’t mention multiplayer means it’s an arcade-style game where you take turns playing in the two-player mode. Judging by release date and the fact she owns a Super Famicom, she’s probably talking about Gradius III.”

Mio sat stunned, letting out a small golf clap. “Impressive. How come you didn’t have an overblown reaction to her seemingly unrelated comment like you usually do?”

“Because I’ve had this exact conversation before about other old games,” Yuuko remarked exasperatedly, hand scratching behind her head. “Took me three tries to get the hang of it.”

“That’s far less impressive,” Mio noted, her eyes now half-lidded and surly.

“Practice makes perfect, young one!” Yuuko flashed a peace sign, causing Mio to roll her eyes before changing the subject. “Ok, well, I know we’re probably getting tired, and it’ll probably be midnight before we know it, so… I have one last thing to ask.” Mio possessed a mischievous look, one not unbefitting of her visage, but an appearance that rarely crossed her face nonetheless. Yuuko looked in confusion, and Nano with consternation.

“…Who do you all have a crush on?”

The dread hit Nano at once, causing her face to go red hot and her body to start shaking, causing her internal components to rattle audibly. Yuuko keeled over in laughter. “What a dumb question!”

“It’s not dumb!!!” Mio shouted. “That’s the classic question that’s asked at every sleepover!! Geez!! I know you know that, Yuuko!!”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. How about you go first since you asked, lovestruck?”

Mio groaned out of frustration under her breath, hating Yuuko’s insolence. Nonetheless, she straightened her posture and took a deep breath before speaking, treating it like a public oration. “Well, as you are all aware of, or should be aware of,” she huffed, “I no longer have a crush on Koujirou anymore after seeing his interest in that Misato Tachibana.” She spoke her name with disgust, as if it were tainted. “I don’t think he ever noticed me in the first place, and he’s just some rich jerk anyways. I don’t need him.”

She was clearly salty, but Yuuko took her words at face value. “The fact you’re using his first name is a testament to that,” she remarked. “I remember all the days you’d stare at him, going ‘Oh! Mr. Sasahara! How I want you to hold me and kiss me and let me ride on your goat and have my babies-“

Yuuko got socked in the face with Mio’s right fist, causing her jaw to ache. “You’ve been getting a lot more bold with your teasing over the past month, Yuuko, and if you aren’t careful there’ll be more where that came from.”

Rubbing her chin and opening and closing her mouth trying to make the area less sore, Yuuko stood proudly in the face of defeat on the battlefield. “You’re a lot easier to stand up to after finding out you draw gay porn-“

Another punch, this time to the stomach, causing Yuuko to tip over. “I yield, I yield!” she let out in between exhausted gasps for air. Nano quickly rushed to her side before looking sternly at Mio. “The last thing I need in my house is a fight!”

“It’s… it’s ok, Nano..” Yuuko said, sounding like a dying soldier breathing their last words. “This is par for the course.” She patted Nano’s shoulder as she sat upright, using it as a grip, seemingly unphased. “This is nothing compared to the time she knocked the wind out of me a week after we met.” She grinned from ear to ear. “You see, we had just seen a horror movie, so she went to the bathroom, and I scared her when she exited, and-“

“-And I made you regret that and almost got us banned from the theater, you absolute bastard of a woman.”

“You are getting off track,” Mai said, reminding everyone of her presence.

“Mai’s right,” Mio said. “But at the same time, there’s nothing left for me to say. There’s a couple guys I think are cute, like that upperclassman Takeshi, he’s a bit of a hunk.” She proceeded to stretch her arms above her head and let out a big yawn. “But other than that, I’ve got nothing.” She smirked. “Yuuko, you go next.”

Dammit. Yuuko had been dreading this. It would always devolve into the same argument every time this topic came around. “Nope, no one. Next!”

“Don’t think you’re slithering out of this one that easily,” Mio glared. “I can tell-“

“Nano!” Yuuko shouted. “What’s your type?”

Nano promptly blushed, being as easily flustered as she was, steam radiating off of her face. It would be hard to ignore her. The perfect distraction in the form of a stuttering, tomato-red robot. “U-um.. I-I don’t know! I… I’m not really into that kind of thing!”

“What, you mean you don’t like anyone? Anyone at all? And you have no interest or desire to do so?” Mio seemed confused at the prospect that other girls weren’t as boy-hungry as she was. Yuuko didn’t know why she expected any differently, really, considering her friend group consisted of a sapient robot built by a child, a social enigma that should be put on display in museums, and an ADHD riddled, not-very-girly-for-a-girl-outside-of-maybe-her-fashion-sense-and-an-interst-in-pop-culture, faux-cocky idiot. Well, her therapist had told her not to call herself an idiot because her habit of self-deprecation is supposedly bad for her mental health, but they needed to talk about it more, just like they needed to talk about- dammit, focus on the conversation, Yuuko!

“Well- I mean- n- not exactly- I- uh- um- I… don’t know?” Nano clearly wanted to hide under the sheets.

“I genuinely think she hasn’t thought about it whatsoever, Mio,” Yuuko said in full earnest this time. A nice change of pace from the smug-Yuuko that had been dominant for an hour or so. “I think she’s just been too busy with schoolwork and Hakase and countless other things to even begin to think about who she’s attracted to.”

“Hm…” Mio murmured something unintelligible under her breath. “I… I understand, Nano. You don’t have to go any further. I’m sorry if I upset you.”

“O-oh, um,” Nano scratched her head. “It’s ok, Mio! Don’t worry about it! If, uh, this comes up again, and I have something to say, I-I’ll tell you! It… sounds fun!” She beamed with her contagious smile, which everyone in the room mirrored (except Mai of course).

Yuuko couldn’t help but sulk a little, though. Mio would never give her a grace period. She’d just poke and prod until Yuuko either gave her the answer she wanted, begged for mercy, or, worst of all, let something slip. Mio usually banked on the last one, and so did Yuuko, hence why she tried to avoid being conversationally cornered as much as possible.

“M-Mai!” Yuuko said. “You’ve gotta be a boy-killer! Look at those features! The hair! The glasses! You could be with any guy you aimed for, I bet! Who do ya like?” Yuuko sounded like a television host with the way she rattled off Mai’s qualities, like reading from the back of a box. It caused Mio to giggle a bit at seeing Mai’s typical lack of response.

“…There’s someone in mind.”

“Eh?!?” Everyone screamed in unison. No one had expected this! Not in a million years! “You have to tell us!” “Who is it?” “I never thought this would happen!” “This seems so out of character for you, Mai!”

Mai put her hand up, silencing them all like a conductor. “All will be answered in due time.” She sat upright, pointed a finger towards her chin, and looked towards the ceiling, the classic “lost in thought” pose. “Let’s see…” she shuffled a bit under her covers. “I won’t name names, but… he’s… bulky, and sturdy, and a bit on the pudgy side.”

“Go on, go on!” Mio exclaimed, edge of her non-existent seat.

“He’s definitely very round, but… I like that about him.” She looked towards the ground, now. “You could probably roll him down a hill, with how round he is, but I wouldn’t advise that as he seems very fragile despite his weight and his bulk.”

Weird comment, but so far so good. “What else?” Yuuko gleamed.

“…He’s also green and on sale at the supermarket for only 100 yen.”

Yuuko should have known better. The classic set up, the defying of expectations, then the kicker. A riddle in and of itself. She realized the answer.

“…A watermelon.”

Yuuko and Mio sighed in defeat, though Nano was laughing at the cute joke. Yuuko was just glad Mai hadn’t extended the joke longer than necessary, as it would’ve gotten torturous listening to Mai talk endlessly, making even weirder and more uncomfortable comments along the way. The last time she did that- oh, c’mon, not again!

“…Yuuko,” Mai spoke softly, a sudden change in subject about to be broached, Yuuko was sure of it. “What about you?”
Mai, in Yuuko’s opinion, had one of the most relaxing voices she’d ever heard, a fact that confused her considering the endless source of stress she provided. However, this voice was not relaxing. It sounded the same, sure, and it carried the same angelic tone and timbre, but the words struck fear into her heart. Mainly because she had no idea what to say or how to answer that, and she hadn’t for several years now. One of her biggest insecurities, deep down. And she knew Mio was aware of this.

“I, uh, don’t like anyone right now. Sorry!” Please work, please work, please-

“Could you elaborate?” Mio spoke with a smug grin, finally getting payback for Yuuko’s teasing. Dammit.
Yuuko sighed. “How many times do I have to tell you this Mio? I’ve never liked a guy in my life. I’ve just… never been interested.” A bit of smugness re-entered her voice. “Besides, I’m above boys! Who needs ‘em? I don’t!”

“I don’t buy that for a second, Yuuko,” Mio stated. “Mai may be an enigma in terms of deciphering her psyche, but you’re an open book. You’re saving face to seem superior over us, and in secret you’re fawning over a boy but don’t want to tell us because either A., upon confessing, your ego would force you to actually ask him out, and B., your pride would be wounded at the fact that you openly admitted to liking a boy.”

“But it’s the truth!” Yuuko began wildly waving her arms around. “There’s not a single guy I like!”

Mio grunted, knowing Yuuko had to be hiding something. She caved, however. “Fine, fine, I’ll accept that! But you at least have to tell me your type!” Mio crossed her arms. “You’ve never, ever talked about what you like in a guy in our years of friendship.”

Easy enough, Yuuko supposed. “Hmm, let’s see, I have to think about it for a moment…”

“Take your time.”

A bunch of images rushed through Yuuko’s head. She had to dig deep into her memory banks to find someone she could consider attractive. Truth is, she’d been trying to discover what she found attractive for years, and still didn’t have it pinned. It’d probably be easier to just list guys she found kind of cute and then try to surmise a “type” from there. “Umm… there’s that Rokugo guy, he’s kind of cute. I don’t know why, though, I guess he just kind of is. Uh-“ Yuuko paused to see Mio rapt with attention, enthusiastically taking mental notes, devouring the scraps of info she gave her. “Oh, don’t mind me. Please, continue.”

“Um, ok… uhhhhh… Nakanojou’s cool, although I don’t talk to him outside of schoolwork much. I think that’s just cause he’s super confident and has that awesome hair style, however. So maybe I don’t actually like him.”

“Continue!”

Ugh, Yuuko thought. She was really stretching her imagination here. I mean, they were kind of attractive? But she didn’t actually like like them. They were just kind of cute, she supposed. She had to wrap this up before her brain broke; it was exhausting trying to please Mio. “Finally, there’s, uhh…” Now’s not a time to draw a blank! “…Katashina! Katashina.”

“WHAT?!” Mio looked positively stunned, reading to keel over with a heart attack. Yuuko was confused. “Yeah, I mean, he has a bit of an attitude I guess, but he’s… alright. What’s wrong with him?”

“Oh!” Mio started laughing, hand on chest out of relief. “I… you… you’re talking about Teruhiko! I thought you meant the other Katashina, who, well, you know…”

Oh.

Oh no.

“No! No! NO no no no no no! I, um, don’t like girls! Nope! Not at all! Haha, wouldn’t that be crazy! If I liked girls! That’d be insane! Haha! No, I’ve, uh, never, not once in my life, imagined myself with a girl!”

Mio laughed, and Nano lightly giggled alongside her. Mai was… absentminded. She looked lost in thought, and in a different way than usual. Yuuko grimaced. That probably made her uncomfortable, she thought. Maybe she finds that idea weird. After all, she’s straight. Or maybe… she gulped, it made her think of the “incident”…

She couldn’t dwell on it too long before Mio interrupted her thought process. “Ok, ok, so… from what I can tell, I think you like guys with strong jawlines.”

“…I guess that sounds right? I genuinely have no idea.”

“Yeah! I think you like guys who are just the right level of fit! They’re lean, but not super muscular.”

“And I have to admit,” Nano followed up. “Nakanojou’s hair style is super cool.” She beamed, looking a bit flustered. Well, at least someone was figuring themselves out.

Yuuko, however, was probably more confused than she was when she woke up this morning. Nonetheless, she had visible relief on her face that the conversation was over. She didn’t want to think about it any longer than she had to. So, she just smiled and played along. “Y-yeah! I guess that’s me after all!”

“You know what…” Mio looked positively giddy with anticipation. “No, I’m not saying anything!” she uttered to herself although Yuuko could clearly hear her words. She looked how Yuuko typically did when about to execute a joke or a plan. Not a good sign.

“W-what is it?” Yuuko asked nervously, avoiding eye contact. She did not need this to get anymore awkward than it needed to be.

“Oh, you’ll find out soon enough!” Mio hid her smile behind her palm. Great, Yuuko thought. This was just what I needed.

They had talked for about an hour longer about extraneous things (that were NOT romance related to Yuuko’s relief) before going to sleep. But even then, Yuuko wasn’t nearly as talkative as her usual self. She chalked it up to being tired, but deep down she knew it was because she was uneasy and confused, which had become a theme lately. Her life had already taken a massive change what with her diagnosis, but now she had a feeling that things would only get weirder for her.

That was the first thought she had upon walking into the psychiatrist’s office, and it was still in her head towards the end of her appointment.

“Well, Yuuko, I’ll call in the prescription right after you leave. We still have about 15 minutes left, however. We got done quicker than I thought. Would you like to talk about anything else? I know we have a lot of catching up to do.”

Although Yuuko knew Dr. Miyamura meant that with the most positive and friendly intentions, what with his effervescent smile, she couldn’t help but receive an ominous vibe from it. Mainly because of what it meant for her.

“Yeah, actually,” She had to gather up courage. Remember, he said you can tell him anything. “…Do you remember how I passively, um, mentioned my friend? Last time? About those… thoughts?” Yuuko stared at the ceiling, lying on the couch. She could not make eye contact.

“Oh, you mean about that incident? On the hill?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“It’s less about whether I want to and more about whether I can bring myself to.”

Chapter Text

Yuuko knocked on the Minakami household door, expecting a response. Nothing. She knocked harder. Still nothing. Sighing, she rang the doorbell and covered her ears.

The fervent barking began as two dogs rushed to the front door, scratching the frame. That should get an answer.

…Nothing.

At that point, Yuuko tugged on the doorknob to realize it had been unlocked the whole time. Cool, now I have two dogs ready to literally bite me in the ass.

The “loveable” Oguri Cap and Pyon were certainly adorable, and described by Mai as friendly. Friendly to whom, she had no idea, because every time she tried petting the damn things, she’d get bit. And Yuuko liked dogs. The idea of someone who hated them going near them… that’s a crime scene in the making.

Yuuko slithered her way through the crack she made before rushing to Mai’s room and closing the door, narrowly circumventing the ferocious canines. She’d been here plenty of times, anyways; no need to take in the surroundings. Mai had a nice, more American-esque house, with no sliding doors and no tatami. It looked as if her whole neighborhood was built like this, something which always intrigued her.

The wood creaked under her feet as she took her shoes off and stepped onto the carpet. She was panting lightly. “S… Sorry I couldn’t leave my shoes by the entrance, um… It’s just… well...”

Mai grunted lightly in acknowledgement, indicating she understood. Yuuko looked in her direction. Mai was paying attention to her television, a round of Street Fighter on display. She didn’t even flinch when Yuuko came in, and chances are she hadn’t torn her eyes from the screen for an hour at this point. Mio and Nano had been busy today, the former with a mangaka convention in town and the latter with household chores. That just left the two of them.

Mai KO’d her opponent and was met with a victory cinematic. Guess that was the final boss, Yuuko thought. “Impressive, Mai! I sure wouldn’t want to go up against you!”

“You don’t have a choice,” she said, extending a hand out. Yuuko fished through her backpack and wrung out an additional controller, proceeding to hand it to Mai. She plugged it in. “Come.” And as Yuuko approached to take her seat next to Mai, she thought back to yesterday.

“Yuuko, you know you can tell me anything.” Miyamura fiddled with his pen, eyeing Yuuko expectantly. His eyes were filled with genuine concern, a fact that made Yuuko feel guilty for clamming up so often during these sessions.

“It’s… it’s just…” she covered her face, hot red. “It’s just any time I try, it’s… embarrassing to even think about! How am I supposed to talk about it? Mentioning it in passing was hard enough, I… I just don’t know!”

“Is there a reason why it’s hard to talk about?”

Yuuko sniffled, exasperated and on the verge of tears. She had to stay calm. “It’s just that it’s embarrassing… it makes me feel weird, and like a freak, and like I’m going to be judged, and it’s scary…. I… I don’t know what it means, or why I feel so weird, or why I can’t stop thinking about it almost a year later! God dammit!”

“Slow down, Yuuko.” He spoke with a clam tone. “Let’s just start with the core details, and we can expand to the smaller ones later.”

“O-ok…” Starting small was definitely the best approach to take here, Yuuko agreed. “We were hanging out, and she decides to pull this stupid joke on me by…” she looked away, eyes closed in embarrassment. “…’fake confessing’, and in that moment, I froze. She had this look on her face, one that I haven’t seen since, and immediately what runs through my head is the image of me and her kissing-“

Yuuko shook her head. Now’s not the time. This always happened to her, much to her frustration. Her thoughts would wander and leave a trail of breadcrumbs from one topic to the next, until eventually she was thinking about something entirely unrelated. That is, unless she was trying to avoid thinking about something, in which case her brain always doubled down and wouldn’t think about anything else. She could still try, though. “What version is this?” she asked as nonchalantly as possible.

“…Zero 3.”

“Ahh, nice! I haven’t played this one! You know I’m not much of a fighting game person.”

“I’m well aware.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?!” she asked teasingly.

Yuuko and Mai had one thing in common that the other two didn’t – they loved video games. Whenever Mio (and, in recent times, Nano, upon being added to the main friend group) couldn’t hang out, it was a de facto rule that Yuuko and Mai were obligated to play video games, not having to worry about excluding anyone with their plans. Mai was super competitive, taking a liking to challenging games that she’d quickly master the ins and outs of. Yuuko was much less intense; she liked good stories, setting, and atmosphere more than arcade-style games.  While this meant Yuuko liked visual novels and Mai liked tough-as-nails shooters, it also meant they had a lot of common ground with things like platformers, adventure games, and RPGs amongst many other things.

That didn’t mean Yuuko disliked what Mai typically played, however. Even though she was guaranteed to lose, as Mai refused to show mercy except by using a handicap when available, Yuuko enjoyed going up against her. Maybe it was just that watching Mai execute button commands flawlessly was entertainment in and of itself, as well as how hanging out with her was always fun. There was never a time where Yuuko didn’t enjoy her company.

“Why are you standing?”

Yuuko jumped as she noticed she was hovering over Mai, who was now looking at her dead in the eyes. “Ooh! I guess I was just mesmerized with your gameplay skills!” Yuuko rubbed the back of her head.

“It’s the title screen.”

“O-oh,” she stammered, blush on her face from embarrassment. “W-well, that’s not what I meant but, uh, whatever, let’s play.”

Mai patted the area to the left of her on the floor. Yuuko promptly sat next to her, but not before making sure she wasn’t sitting too close, so as not to make human contact. She felt the heat rise in her face as she saw Mai’s simple outfit of a t-shirt and short shorts, leaving her bare legs exposed, while Yuuko wore a hoodie and a skirt. There was nothing weird going on, per se, it was just that Yuuko couldn’t help but think about… the hill. The confession. “Aren’t we too young for that?” What a dumb excuse, Yuuko thought. You were just scared, and you’ve been scared non-stop, and you need to let that end, like Miyamura said. She glanced to her right. Don’t look at her eyes, don’t look at her face, don’t look at her boobs, and for the love of GOD don’t look at her lips. Don’t look at her lips. Don’t look at her lips. DON’T LOOK-

Miyamura fiddled with his pen. “It was a joke, correct?”

“Yes.”

“And yet you can’t stop thinking about it because of the unknown feelings you felt and disconcerting thoughts you had, all of which was entirely new and incredibly jarring to you.”

Yuuko sighed. “That’s correct. I think.”

“Do you think you’re ready to start talking about the details now?” He sat upright with an expectant look on his face. Yuuko shifted on the couch so as not to make eye contact, preferring to stare at the fluorescent light above her, but when that became too bright, she merely closed her eyes and let her imagination drift.

“I’m… I’m going to take a lot of pauses, probably. It’s just hard for me to talk about with someone else. I’ve never done it before.”

“That’s ok; the whole point of me seeing you is to help you with your mental health. Anything that you deem as relevant is something we should talk about.”

Yuuko turned her head to the left to be met with his bright smile. Her eyebrows lifted. She hadn’t taken in his features before, but they radiated kindness. He had short black hair hugging to the back of his head, with sideburns and a lack of bangs. The sleekness gave off an air of professionalism despite it looking spiky. More importantly, he always wore a slender pair of glasses that complimented his wide eyes. All of this alongside his clean-shaven face and his highly approachable nature gave him a naturally amicable aura that put Yuuko at ease every time they talked.

She turned her head towards the ceiling once more and, reassured that she really could talk to him about anything, braced her shoulders. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “…Ok.”

She began.

“We decided to hang out after school one day, just the two of us. After going out around town, we had just decided to sit on the hill near the bridge and watch the sunset. It was relatively hot out, but the view of the sun reflecting over the water was just something that caught my eye. So, we were sitting there when Mai, who very rarely speaks, mind you, just decided to start a conversation about how much she appreciates me. Naturally, I thought it was as a friend, and I got super sentimental because I adore Mai and her friendship. But then she was all like, “Oh, no, we’re more than that – we’re sisters,” and I got super excited and reached out to hug her and…” She paused again.

“…Continue when you’re ready, Yuuko.”

“No, no, it’s fine. This is easier than I thought it would be once I ripped the bandage off.” True to form, Yuuko couldn’t stop her mouth from running upon being opened. “Um…” Admittedly, there was a bit of a speedbump. “…She… pushed me back and told me not to touch her. I didn’t really know what to do at that point, as that felt out of left field, but then she went on to say how… she likes me.”

“I see.”

“And how if I touched her, that might make her like me more.”

“Ah.”

“And at first, I thought it was in a friend way, but she clarified… how she ‘saw me as the opposite sex.’ And at that moment my brain fried.”

Even now, Yuuko could recall the feeling of her gray matter melting into a pool of confusion, and she remembered the moment as clear as the day it happened, almost a year ago now. In that moment she had no idea what to do, and she explained to Miyamura as such. Her first instinct was to panic, thinking to herself about the weight behind Mai’s words. The idea that Mai of all people was capable of confessing to her gay crush was unfeasible to Yuuko. It was impossible. Mai had shown balls to Yuuko with her audacity before, yes, but this was entirely different. Yuuko just felt a total complete state of confusion.

“…So, I simply told her that… I needed to think about it. Because we were young, and still just high schoolers, and… she revealed it was a joke. And I was flabbergasted. It was an amazing performance, really, and looking back at it now, it had so many interwoven parts. The blush on her face. The casual buildup from friends to sisters to “lovers.” The fact that we are, actually, friends and that we strongly respect each other and care about each other, although she doesn’t show it outright…”

“In what ways does Mai show that she cares about you?”

This was out of left field for Yuuko. “…What?’

“I’m not implying that she doesn’t, of course, I’m just curious as to what ways you communicate with another on a daily basis. Does she normally show she cares about you? How do you know? Does she say anything or make any gestures?”

Yuuko sat and thought about this. Yuuko got gifts from Mai on her birthday and around other holidays. She hung out with Yuuko a lot. Yet at the same time, she said nothing.

Then again, Yuuko had thought about these things before, and it didn’t take long for her to reformulate her answer.

“I can tell that she’s not simply tolerating me.” Yuuko closed her eyes again and rubbed her temples. “Throughout middle school, people found me annoying. I was hyperactive, would get excited over nothing, and was just a bundle of energy with a lot of enthusiasm and interests in all kinds of things, not just one thing in particular. And my constant joking and lighthearted nature grated on people. Scratch that, it still does. And I could tell that most of my friends weren’t actually my friends, they were more so acquaintances. We didn’t hang out after school or anything; the only times I met up with people were with my friends from elementary. And that wasn’t often.” Yuuko looked pensive, something Miyamura was careful to note down. She could tell he was listening and empathizing with her. “My parents were concerned. I was, too. But when Mai transferred third year, that all changed.” Yuuko smiled. “She listened to me, she heard me out, and once we got to know each other more, it’s like we were inseparable. There’s a reason she mainly makes her jokes with me. We were the “weirdos.” And even now, in a high school full of weirdos, we’re still our own unique brand of weird. A socially awkward group of four friends, albeit in entirely different ways. Mai hardly communicates emotions or words, I’m impulsive and dumb-“

“What did we say about self-deprecation.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize to me, apologize to yourself. I’m just trying to remind you,” he smiled. “Please, continue.”

“Right.” She huffed in confidence. “Nano is a robot, something I’m still not sure if Mio has figured out yet, although I think Mai is smart enough to know by now, and Mio… actually, Mio is by all means a normal girl with low self-confidence. She just has nerdy hobbies and that’s where we come in. Not to mention, we like a lot of the same things, think all sorts of things are cool together, and our senses of humor play off each other, even if it leads to arguments frequently.”

Yuuko thought about all the memories she had accumulated over the years, listening to the faint scratching of Dr. Miyamura’s pencil and paper. He was a traditional man, one who preferred the intimacy that came in handwriting as opposed to the typing on his desk with his back turned.

“…Wait, what were we talking about again?”

Miyamura laughed softly but deeply. “I was just curious. You seem awfully close to Mai, and she might be your closest friend out of your group.”

“Ah...” Yuuko got flustered at this.  “Maybe because we’ve known each other the longest? I-I don’t really like to rank my friends, y’know? They all mean the same to me, albeit it in different ways.”

“Oh, not to worry, I wasn’t implying otherwise.” He finished jotting down whatever it was he was writing. “But the bond the two of you seem to share is… different. At least, based off what you’ve told me. And I don’t mean that just because you met her first.”

Yuuko blushed, the moment on the hill still fresh in her mind. “A-ah… I see…”

“Now, it’s nothing to be embarrassed or sorry about.”

“O-oh, don’t worry, you’re fine.” Not your fault that I’m an emotional mess.

“I do have one question, though. Just a simple one, and don’t feel obligated to answer if you don’t want to.”

Yuuko did not like the sound of that, but persisted, knowing he meant the best. “What is it?”

“Why didn’t you reject her?”

She blinked. “Pardon?” She thought her hearing had gone bad.

“You told me about how you were flustered, and talked about how you all were too young and you were panicking, but why didn’t you reject her? Just by saying ‘no’?”

In all earnestness, Yuuko thought she had rejected her using their inexperience and youngness as an excuse to get out of it without hurting Mia’s feelings. But she hadn’t stopped to think about saying she wasn’t into girls, or getting defensive… why was that?

“…It just didn’t cross my mind. I was in a panicked state.” She paused, but Miyamura knew to let her finish. “…Yet at the same time, my brain was as if it were conducting experiments in my head simultaneously in that moment, like a background process. It was trying to calculate what it would be like if Mai and I were together. What it would feel like. What it would look like. What it would mean for the two of us and our friends, and our families, and our lives. To me, or at least to my subconscious… it was a possible outcome, and it’s evident that my anxiety has taught me to never not anticipate a path and its outcome.”

He stared at his notes for a second before taking a quick breath and saying, “On a simpler level, would it be more accurate to say that you didn’t know how it made you feel, and the idea of dating Mai, let alone another girl, was something your mind, body, and soul weren’t wholly disinterested in?”

Every muscle in Yuuko’s body clenched, frozen. Blood rushed to her face, and her throat went dry. “…Non-stop, since that day, I’ve had that question lodged in the back of my memory, trying to never acknowledge it.”

Damn it, you’re doing it again! Yuuko slapped herself across the face, warranting an odd look from Mai. Yuuko froze in embarrassment before Mai just turned her head back to the screen, acting as if she hadn’t heard a thing. Yuuko finally picked up the controller. “I call dibs on Sakura!” Yuuko let out gleefully.

“Two people can play as the same character,” Mai calmly noted.

“Yeah, but it’s not as fun that way.” A look of confidence washed over her face. “Besides, she’s my favorite!”

“Why’s that?” Mai asked, monotone as ever. The character select screen appeared and she moved her cursor over to Blanka.

“Well, it’s cause she’s awesome! She looks cool, is super fun to play as, and is just super cute! Cammy and Chun-Li are also favorites of mine! They’re all bad asses who look good while doing it!”

“I like Blanka,” Mai remarked. “Because he is big and green and not just a random person.”

“I suppose that makes sense,” Yuuko remarked, thinking it over. “I mean, I initially started playing Cammy because her outfit caught my eye, and Chun-Li just has those awesome kicking attacks of hers, and Sakura… I mean, just look at her! She’s adorable!”

“You have already said that,” Mai remarked, unphased by Yuuko’s sudden burst of energy. “I am now going to beat you in this game.”

“You wish!” Yuuko sat up determinedly.

“So why aren’t you able to admit there’s a part of you that’s at least a little interested in dating Mai?”

“I don’t know!” Yuuko shouted. “I sincerely, genuinely, truthfully do not know! And it infuriates me! It’s because every time I play the scenario out in my head, I always stop beforehand and am like, ‘Nah, this isn’t going to work out.’ But instead of then accepting that and moving on with my life, I always ask myself ‘what if?’ What if I wasn’t taking the whole situation seriously that last time? Geez, maybe if I think about that incident for the 507^th time, I’ll come out with a different conclusion, one that’ll actually leave me satisfied this time. And it doesn’t help that my brain keeps reminding me of these ‘scenarios’ and ‘fantasies’ every waking moment, and sometimes they get so intense that it even enters my sleep!”

“Relax,” Miyamura said. “Take a deep breath.” Yuuko did as instructed, several times in a row. She took a sip from a water bottle in her bag. “So, you keep on reliving this scenario as a sort of ‘test’ to see if you’re interested in the idea of dating Mai or not.”

Yuuko nodded. “Basically, yeah, that’s how I see it. It’s like I’m running an experiment, but it’s one I’m never satisfied with. It’s a way to observe whether or not I like it or dislike it, and I always come out of the other end saying that I can’t do it, yet something keeps pulling me back to that god damn hill and Mai’s stupid, idiot blush that throws me off balance every time I picture it.”

“To clarify, you’re confused as to whether or not, should that situation not be a joke, you would date her?”

“Yes.” That’s how she would put it, anyways.

“…Would it be more accurate as a blanket statement to say that you’re confused about your sexuality?”

A pause. “I don’t like that question.”

“Why not?”

“It scares me.”

Mai had won 5 games in a row with no signs of stopping.

“I give up.” Yuuko let her controller fall onto the ground as she flopped to the floor, lament written all over her face. “There’s no point.”

“It has only been ten minutes.”

“Ten minutes of you kicking my ass!” All of the energy had been sucked out of Yuuko, frustration and exhaustion built up on her face. She was hoping that hanging out with Mai would allow her to decompress for once during summer break, but it seems it wasn’t meant to be. Her therapy sessions, her diagnosis, and these damn intrusive thoughts were enough, but losing five times in a row? And not anywhere close to beating Mai? I mean, let’s be honest, that’s to be expected, but that doesn’t stop it from being demoralizing.

She merely let out a sigh and let her body sink into the carpet listening to the birds chirping outside Mai’s window. How childish of me to let a game get to me like this. She scoffed to herself. This is so like me.

She opened her eyes and sat up, only to flinch upon seeing Mai sitting right next to her, having gotten there without making a sound. They made direct eye contact, freezing Yuuko in place, arms dangling in front of her in surprise.

Mai opened her lips.

“Yuuko, I want to tell you something.”

Yuuko’s heart raced. “W-what is it?”

“I’m autistic.”

Yuuko felt like she’d been hit with a brick.

“W-what?”

“I know you heard me.”

Well I certainly wasn’t expecting this today.

Yuuko blinked rapidly, readjusting her seating position. “U-um… I’m sorry, I’m not really sure what to say. Um… why are you telling me this?”

“Because you said you have ADHD and I know you can get frustrated and I thought you should know you aren’t alone.”

Yuuko stared deep into Mai’s eyes. There was no deceit. Of course there isn’t; Mai would never be so cruel as to joke about something so serious. “S-so… in… what ways… are you… autistic? I’ve… never noticed… anything…” Yuuko’s larynx tightened; she had no idea what to say in this sort of situation. Autism was something she’d only really seen on the news, and it was always these super severe cases of varying symptoms, and 100% of the time the reports were about young kids. How could something like that apply to Mai? Why was Mai telling her this? Why now? In this setting? And out of all times, why after destroying her in Street Fighter? Her head reeled at the idea of Mai confessing something so deeply personal in such a casual atmosphere. Was Yuuko’s question rude? She had no idea. I mean, she had to explain what ADHD was to her friends. Wait, no, Mai was the one who did all of the talking back then! Ugh! I’m useless!

“I don’t talk much and can’t talk for extended periods of time. I have trouble expressing emotions despite my feelings. I hyperfixate. I didn’t speak until I was six years old. I’m weird about touch.”

…Well, this explains a lot.

Yuuko processed that thought a bit further – Mai’s entire personality was seemingly influenced by this one thing: a trait she was merely born with. And yet, never had she doubted that it was Mai. It wasn’t as if her personality or actions or character were under the control of an unseeing entity. She wasn’t a mere puppet. She was just Mai, and her personality had been like this since day one. So, it’s not like Mai divulging this actually changed any perceived notion about her, right?

Yet at the same time, it gave more context to why she was the way she was. Her socially awkward nature. Her asocial presence. Her inability to grasp situations and social cues despite easily being the smartest out of all of them. Yuuko had thought she was socially awkward until she had hung out with Mai for the first time outside of school: she was visibly enjoying herself; Yuuko took note back then of the way her eyes shone and the extra kick that was in her step. She was more than pleased just to know that Mai enjoyed the time they spent together. But Mai was entirely incapable of talking to anyone except Yuuko that day, and only ever spoke a few words. Quite frankly, she was concerned at the time. But Mai had only said one sentence when she asked why she never spoke: “I’m just like this.”

Dots connected in her mind as Yuuko recalled Mio’s words and how this hadn’t changed anything about her opinion of Mai. She suddenly felt relieved. Not only was Mai living proof that Yuuko could still be in control despite the challenges her ADHD gave her, it also meant she wasn’t alone. She wasn’t alone! She had someone to talk to, and to rant to, and to ask for advice regarding her scrambled-up brain! If Mai could continue to be such an amazing, smart, compassionate, funny person, then there was nothing stopping herself from developing as a person yet still being true to herself! It… was what I needed to hear all along.

Yuuko, unprompted, pulled Mai into a tight hug, eliciting a small squeak from her. Yuuko hadn’t said anything, and felt she didn’t need to say anything, hoping this gesture would be enough. “Thank you… so much… for telling me…”

“I just said I was weird with touch,” Mai noted. Nonetheless she took her arms and wrapped herself neatly around her, clinging like a lifeline, and Yuuko could feel a smile resting against her shoulder.

“So, now for the crux of the issue you pointed to.”

“Right.”

“You’ve been plagued by these… thoughts for… how long now?”

“Ever since she ‘confessed’ to me.”

“And could you specify how and when these thoughts appear, and what they specifically consist of?” He wrote something down. “Obviously they consist of Mai and that scenario, but what’s the same? What’s different? What details do you focus on?”

During one of their first sessions, Yuuko had told Dr. Miyamura in passing about how she had been having intrusive thoughts for approximately a year about an incident with her friend, Mai. All she said was it was on the hill and that she hadn’t told anyone about it, and she was embarrassed about it and scared of judgement. He assured her that when the testing was done, they could talk about it in a judgement-free zone. After all, this was his job.

And so now that she had told him about it, it was time for the whole reason she brought any of this up to him in the first place.

It would’ve been too easy if, when the incident happened, Yuuko realized it was a joke, laughed it off, and carried on with her life. And she desperately had tried that. So, so desperately, every night now, for about… 10 months, she wanted to say? But you can’t control thoughts that are thrust upon you without your control. Or... were they in her control after all?

“Every. Single. Night. I think about that incident. I think about it… what if it wasn’t a joke? What if Mai was being serious? Now, I know that her feelings aren’t genuine, but I’m talking hypothetically here. What would I have done? Or continued to say? Furthermore… what would… dating… Mai be like? Would, er, um, had I accepted, what would happen? H-how does… k-k-k-k-kissing Mai make me feel? T-the idea of dating another girl? Would I have said y-yes if she was being serious?”

“And do you have an answer to those questions?”

“Not in the slightest,” Yuuko sighed. “Of course I wouldn’t. I-I’m not into girls. Or guys for that matter. That whole thing just… doesn’t appeal to me. It’s a world I can’t seem to break into. I’m not into anyone at all, and it frustrates me to no end not because I necessarily want to blend in, but because it feels like I should. Like, I still feel that loneliness. That want for connection. And I still do, um…” Yuuko’s blush turned crimson exponentially. “…normal… teenager… things…”

Miyamura grinned. “No need to feel ashamed, Yuuko, that’s to be expected of someone your age.” His expression turned serious once more. “So, if the answer is no, why do the thoughts keep coming back?”

“I ask that same question every day.” Yuuko was staring at the ceiling again, this time at the tiles on the wall before it made her sleepy and she began closing her eyes. “It’s like every time I dismiss the thought, either out of frustration or fatigue or after... taking care of said thought,” she chose not to elaborate although Miyamura nodded to indicate he understood the implication, “the next day, no, sometimes even on the same day, I begin questioning myself. So, I think about it the first time and am like ‘No, I wouldn’t date Mai.’ But the thought comes back. And I have to think about it again. As if my answer wasn’t good enough before. I can’t just say, ‘No, I already thought about this, the answer is no.’ It keeps. Coming. Back. And I have to deliberate over it every time. About who I am. What Mai means to me. About what would be different. About… her. A-and,” Yuuko had visible stress all over her face, “I-I’m scared! What does it mean? I don’t want anyone to find out because I don’t want to get made fun of or ostracized from society or for someone to think things about me that aren’t true! Most girls don’t think like this! And it’s not like I care about being seen as normal, anyways, I gave up on that a long time ago and am content with that, but this feels like a disease in my mind that just won’t let go.”

Yuuko whimpered in exasperation, verge of tears, listening to the scratching of Miyamura’s fountain pen on the clipboard. It calmed her, reminding her to slow down and breathe again. “Yuuko,” he stopped writing and looked up at her, “You obviously know what a lesbian is, right?”

“Of course.” Yuuko smirked for just a second. “I actually can remember the exact moment I found out about gay people. My mom was watching a soap opera when these two men came on the scene holding hands and shared a kiss. I asked about it, and she told me that some boys liked boys and girls liked girls. And I just said ‘cool,’ and moved on with whatever I was doing that day. I must’ve been, like, three.” Yuuko shook her head. “Ah! Sorry about the tangent again!”

“It’s quite alright,” he flashed another grin at her. “So, do you or your family have anything wrong with people who aren’t straight? Or cisgender, for that matter?”

“Nope, not one bit,” Yuuko said soundly. “Mom and Dad are super supportive of human rights and equality and stuff. They aren’t usually the political type, but that’s the one issue that always gets them riled up. I have no fear that they’d treat me differently if I was gay.”

“If that’s the case, then why are you scared of ostracization for what you think about Mai?”

Yuuko opened her eyes slowly, shifting her sight to her palm. She noted the intricate wrinkles and pores on her hand; the locations of all of her veins; which areas of her skin were colored differently. She looked at her fingerprint patterns, and how the light reflected off her fingers. After exploring her headspace, she was finally ready to speak. “First off, I think it’s fear of how I’d get treated at school. It’s one thing to be weird and ignored compared to being weird and derided.” She turned onto her left side, facing Miyamura but avoiding eye contact. He was busy writing, anyways. “And then, if I liked girls, even though my mom and dad wouldn’t reject me, they wouldn’t necessarily accept me either,” she noted. “They might be skeptical or doubtful since it’s their own child, and they’re definitely the type who want grandkids in the future.” She sighed. “Hell, I think I want to be a mother in the future.” She darted her eyes to Miyamura, who was looking up at her from the rim of his glasses. “And yeah, I know about all the cool science-technology-medicine stuff that allows lesbian couples to have kids. I don’t know the legality in Japan, but that’s aside the point. My parents might not factor all that into the situation.”

Yuuko began thinking about herself. Her opinion of herself, especially. What was her mental health, exactly? Was it good? She was a total optimist most of the time, although her anxiety got in the way sometimes (albeit her anxiety was not nearly as bad as Mio’s). And yet, she couldn’t stop self-deprecating herself in recent months, going out of her way to call herself an idiot or insulting herself. In the past week alone she’d called herself stupid, bitchy, dumb, hopeless, a failure, a mess, irredeemable, and even lightheartedly said ‘I hate myself’ more than once. Even in Yuuko’s darkest periods, ones absent from friends and social interactions in middle school, these thoughts never crossed her mind. Overall, she was just frustrated with herself as a person, as a personality, and as an entity. She hated not knowing herself.

“I always thought I knew myself, but since middle school I’ve felt like that statement’s becoming less true with every passing minute. And in the past year alone, it almost got falsified entirely. I don’t have anything to run away from or distract myself with anymore. I’m going to be a second year, and I have to start looking at colleges. I have to figure myself out: who I am, what drives me, and what my core identity is. And if I were to like girls… it would destabilize everything I knew about myself. It would be the final straw before a full-on identity crisis, and it would force me to reevaluate everything about myself as a person.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because if I’d hidden that fact from myself for so long, what else could be hiding under the surface? Is my whole outward appearance a sham? Hell, I still don’t know what’s me and what’s my ADHD, and I’m still nervous about medication despite support from friends and family. Me being gay or bisexual or whatever would mean I’d have to figure out how to navigate in life as a woman attracted to other women. It would affect my daily life, something that’s hard enough as it is, especially with failing grades and now a mental disorder on top.” Yuuko, who had begun sitting upright mid-diatribe, flopped down unceremoniously on the couch, arms and legs splayed out in the air, eyes glazed over with confusion. “I want to stop being unsure about myself, Dr. Miyamura. I want to stop second guessing myself. This isn’t like me.”

Miyamura put his pen away, sitting up in his chair and looking straight at Yuuko, one hand holding the clipboard and the other resting in his lap. “We all have rough patches, Yuuko.” He spoke softly and without condescension, something Yuuko was eternally grateful for. “This is you because we all go through periods of confusion and uncertainty, and we have to learn to adapt to those changes.” He looked down at his notes and read what Yuuko presumed to be several bullet points in a review of their session thus far. “I think the main thing is you’re afraid of the thought of liking girls, and you push it away too soon.” Dr. Miyamura ran a hand through his hair, trying his best to summarize his speculations. “…I think the best thing to do is to let the thought roam free.”

“…Huh?”

“You’re pushing that possibility away, and as a result, not actually dealing with the problem,” he said. “Clearly, simply saying ‘no’ isn’t going to do it. And this isn’t an intrusive thought in the same way that self-deprecation or low self-esteem is. This is one you knowingly conjure up, even if it comes from your subconscious. It doesn’t pop in at random. You let your mind wander, it encounters that hypothetical again, and you dismiss it before you let it seep in too much and it unveils something about you.” He sat upright. “…Why don’t you just… explore said thought? Think about it without guilt or remorse? What it would be like to… date your friend? To kiss her? Think about it and let your mind roam free, even if it might be scary or unpleasant at first. If you’re able to do that with total confidence and certainty, you’ll find the answer you’re looking for.”

Yuuko was bright red, her heart beating. Suddenly she felt dehydrated, hot, and just wanted to go home and lie in bed under the cool breeze of her fan. “B-but… I’m… scared… and embarrassed… it makes me feel… wrong, or, dirty or, something.”

He gave her a gentle smile. “It’s just a thought, and no one can read your thoughts. Everybody has thoughts we don’t like, and not telling others about them isn’t the same as withholding a secret. Don’t feel guilty for exploring your emotions, your mind, or your feelings. They don’t say anything about you as a person; that’s what actions are for.”

Yuuko now suddenly felt cold, shrunken to a miniscule state where she felt like she had no power. Despite this, she felt oddly reassured, even though her legs were now wobbling at Miyamura’s proposition. “…O-ok,” she let out meekly. “I-I’ll… go home and do that now…”

“Only you can say for sure who you are, Yuuko.” He smiled. “No one else can determine that for you.” He stood up and opened the door for her. “I’ll see you next week, Yuuko.” He patted her on the shoulder on her way out. “Stay strong, and if you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to reach out.”

“…Thank you.” Yuuko meant that earnestly.

Before she could make it three meters out the door, Miyamura shouted, “Hey!” She turned around to face him. “You know you can just call me Yuuji right?”

Yuuko beamed at him, flashing a peace sign. “Thank you, Dr. Yuuji!” And with that, she sprinted home, Dr. Yuuji Miyamura waving her off as she faded into the distance.

“So, you aren’t exactly an introvert, yet talking and communication drain your mental energy, huh?”

Mai nodded.

“That totally makes sense; I mean, I’ve already pointed that out to you in the past when we’d go out for the evening and what not. It’s a total contrast to me, of course, someone whose energy depletes when I don’t have social interactions. I’m a total extrovert, baby!” She flashed a wink and poked her tongue out, eliciting a couple laughs from Mai. I so desperately wish I could see that more often, Yuuko thought. I want her to smile and feel comfortable with smiling. And I don’t want her to be upset anymore about her difficulty doing so.

Mai had regaled how it often felt like her emotions were pent up as she could not properly express them. It was a bottleneck where her feelings could only come out piece by piece, and never at once. It was a molasses drip feed, and the rest of the time she felt as though her mind were bloated. She had no release aside from stuff that stimulated her, and much like Yuuko, she definitely needed that stimulation to stay in top form. Video games, books, drawings, and even elaborate pranks all kept her mind stimulated.

And she had expressed several times how amazing it was to find out Yuuko had ADHD, and how simultaneously painful it was to know her face and her tone wouldn’t register those emotions properly. But Yuuko reassured her that she understood and knew what Mai was truly feeling.

They had talked for at least an hour, mainly Yuuko making remarks and asking yes or no questions for Mai to shake or nod to. This was nothing new; any time they had a long conversation this is always what it turned into. It had been like this for years. And Yuuko and Mai were okay with that.

“I can talk more around people I trust… people who I know…” Mai spoke softly, softer than usual, even, as if trying to conserve her speech or her energy. “You’re the person I can talk to the most besides my close family.”

Yuuko was elated and had been for a while now. She wasn’t alone! She didn’t have to navigate this confusing world of mental health by herself! Best of all, her and Mai could bond over this and lift each other up!

Frankly, Yuuko felt catharsis just seeing Mai happy. She noticed how her shoulders had relaxed, even though she still bore her toneless voice and had only flashed a few tiny smiles here and there. She could tell Mai was at ease talking about this and getting it off her chest. She’d clearly held it in for a while; something Mai had already confessed to. A fear of abandonment got in the way of her not telling the truth sooner. Yuuko had always felt ease in Mai’s presence, but this was especially true now. She was so grateful for Mai and her friendship; hearing her small voice talk about Yuuko and how much she meant to her made Yuuko feel as though her heart was going to explode. The two hadn’t broken eye contact; Yuuko getting lost in the shiny reflections of her eyeglasses and her dark irises. She could no doubt say that she loved Mai and was desperate to hold onto that link.

Wait, love? No, no, no, no; this is different, and you know it, Yuuko. You love your mom, don’t you? Yes? You love Mai too, as well as Mio and Nano. Granted, I’ve never felt this way around Mio or Nano… but that just has to do with the situation, right? Right! That has to be the case…

…except I know Miy- Yuuji wants me to keep an open mind about things. She took a deep breath, hoping it went unnoticed by Mai. That can wait until I get home! Mai is more important! She’s talking! Focus, Aioi, focus!

In spite of the blooming knot of anxiety appearing in Yuuko’s chest, it did not dampen her mood or her experience so far with Mai. She was still brimming with positive energy. She had no time to fret over her own mind or feelings or what Dr. Miyamura had said. Mai needed her right now, even if this was supposed to be about her, and she would give her her full attention.

“Mai, you have no idea how much that means to me…”

“I know you can be insecure, Yuuko. Don’t doubt for a second your own strength. You will always be Yuuko, and I will never under any circumstance stop being your friend.”

“Likewise, Mai-chan. Likewise.”

Mai, Mai, Mai…

Yuuko was lost in thought as she washed her hands. What is it about Mai she liked so much? Sure, she was her only close friend in junior high, but what was it about her that allowed her to be so close to Mai compared to Mio and Nano? Yuuko was easily Mai’s closest friend, a thought which delighted and disappointed Yuuko in that she was happy to be #1, yet wish Mai had more friends. She was deserving of so, so much.

Was it her kindness? Her kindness manifested in peculiar ways, often in silence, but the gifts she gave were thoughtful, like the Buddha statue. Was it her commitment to Yuuko’s jokes, allowing them to play off each other like a comedy duo? Or was it how effortlessly she could stare at Mai for hours on end, watching as her slick, black hair moved with the air around her, and her glasses gave off a gleam indicative of the wearer’s cleverness? Blushing, she decided to temporarily shelf away that last thought.

I think mainly it’s that I consider Mai a kindred spirit, she thought as she exited the bathroom door, sneaking by to make sure she didn’t alert the dogs. I feel some sort of connection with her on a primal level; our strangeness and atypical behavior bonds us and naturally pulls us to one another, as we understand each other better than anyone else. Although Yuuko hadn’t known the specifics of Mai’s diagnosis until now, and even though her interests, thoughts, hobbies, history, etc. were talked about to a minimum, she still knew and understood Mai’s behaviors better than anyone else, often to the point where she could predict her actions. Of course, Mai was always one step ahead of her, but that only further proved her point.

Yuuko opened the door back open to Mai’s room. “Mai, I think it’s about time I got going. Mom wants me home by dinner as she’s making her super-special-soba.”

“Ah. I understand.”

Yuuko picked up her backpack and flung it over her shoulder. A thought crossed her mind.

“Um… y’know, if you want, you could… come over and… have dinner with us…”

Yuuko’s heart pounded. Why?!?!? She’d had Mai over before, just the two of them with Yuuko’s parents and vice versa, so why was this so awkward all of a sudden? Yuuko blinked. It’s the implications. Or at least, the implications if we were straight… I mean! If Mai was a guy! Or if I was a guy! Agh! Get out of my head!

Mai just smiled. That small, adorable smile that melts my heart every time I see it… “It’s alright. I was going out to dinner with my family tonight.”

“Ah,” Yuuko choked on the one syllable, making it sound more like a cough than an attempt at communication. “T-that’s fine! That’s perfectly fine! Seriously, it’s okay! Um… I’ll catch you later, Mai! A-and I really enjoyed our time today!” Why are you so nervous, Yuuko?!

“…I did too. It was wonderful.” Mai’s smile widened, showing just a sliver of teeth. Now that’s rare, Yuuko thought. She quickly waved and smiled back before rushing down the stairs. God, I need to figure myself out; what the hell is wrong with me-

She paused in her tracks. The dogs were standing still, upright, at either sides of the front entrance: Oguri Cap on the left and Pyon on the right. They were lying in wait, waiting to bounce on their next prey. That would be Yuuko. I could either stealth this or get the hell out of here as fast as I can, she thought. I’m so screwed, she gulped as she chose the latter.

Taking a deep breath as if revving up her engine, Yuuko charged towards the entrance and turned the knob as fast she could, opening the door and just narrowly avoiding a literal bite in the ass. The dogs were frantic now, squirming, trying to get their teeth into Yuuko’s supple flesh. Panicking, she did a long jump over the dogs that would make an Olympic athlete jealous, only to land square on her butt. Scurrying backwards she quickly got back on her feet, slammed the door shut, and ran down the sidewalk, living to see another day.

As always, dinner was delicious. Yuuko’s mom was a top-notch chef in her opinion, especially when it came to anything noodle related. She should start cooking Italian, Yuuko thought.

“Mom, may I be excused?” she asked. She had just put the last of her dishes in the dishwasher, rinsing all of them thoroughly.

“Yes, you may,” Mrs. Aioi replied, presently cleansing a pot to be placed alongside all of the plates and utensils Yuuko had already taken care of.

Yuuko went into the living room and sat next to her game console. She’d left her bag here upon getting home, now opening it to pull out the extra controller she had brought to Mai’s house only to be greeted by a surprise: a thin white sheet of paper.

Yuuko looked inquisitively towards the little notch sticking out, immediately forgetting her initial intent. She gently took the paper and examined it in her hands:

“Oh no! Oh no!” Masao said, rushing through unlabeled corridors. “I’m going to be late! I’m going to be late!”

He ran through the classroom door, only to be greeted by a middle-aged man. “Masao! You’re late! I’ve been here at school since 9:42! Now look at me! I went bald!”

Masao then made what Yuuko could only presume to be an inhuman shrieking noise.

Yuuko stared at the comic in amazement. It was like a fine wine. The punchline that seemed like a setup. The art direction. The confusing underlining of two random parts of a sentence. It was as if it were intended to make Yuuko question her sanity. And it succeeded.

Yet Yuuko smiled, thinking only of Mai. She’s done it again, that crazy son of a bitch. She giggled, taking the piece of paper upstairs.

She totally forgot about the game controller.

Chapter Text

“Akane, I’m home.”

“Welcome back, Yuuji!”

Dr. Miyamura took off his shoes and hung up his jacket, walking in to the always-pleasant surprise of his wife cooking, despite the fact she had cooked all of their dinners since day one of their marriage. “Anything interesting happen while I was gone?” he asked, catching a whiff of the scents emanating from the stove. Vegetable stew, a particular favorite of his. Score.

“Not much, save for the fact that the hospital lobby was broadcasting the “Igo-soccer” semi-finals today. What the hell is that?”

“You haven’t heard of Igo-soccer?” Yuuji removed his tie. “The club back in high school was huge. Easily fifty people. They’d always hijack the basketball court after 18:00, something the basketball team was endlessly pissed about.”

Akane scoffed. “Well, I hadn’t heard about it.” She turned off the stove and got some bowls prepared for the two of them. “Oh, and I worked out maternity leave with my boss!” She beamed at him, emphasizing the noticeable bump in her abdomen. “The boss was somewhat upset that I ‘hadn’t warned him I was pregnant,’ but the other nurses stood up for me once I told them what happened and he relented.” She rolled her eyes. “It’s this damn workaholic culture.”

Yuuji pulled out a chair at the table, sitting down in exhaustion from a long day. “If anything like that happens again, you know they’ll have to get through me, first.” He grinned with pride.

Akane smiled warmly in appreciation. "Verbally, I hope. We both know you're too scrawny to put up a fight."

He laughed. "Oh, trust me, I'm well aware."

She brought two piping hot stews to the table and laid them down gently alongside the utensils. "Itadakimasu," they spoke in unison.

Akane began blowing on her spoonful. “How was your day?”

Yuuji swallowed a bite and sighed. “So you know that high school girl with ADHD I’ve recently begun seeing?” She nodded. “She’s the sweetest kid, easily, but as you know, most of the time I don’t see many high school students beyond testing and prescription referral. But her mom and the school insist that she sees me regularly. Aside from her, all of my regular weekly patients are adults.” He spoke in between mouthfuls. “This isn’t me complaining, of course. It’s the job. It's just a bit unusual for me to be seeing someone her age. But besides that, I'm more than capable of handling her, and, like I said, she’s the nicest girl. But she definitely has some baggage.”

Akane put her hand over her chest in pity after swallowing, a frown on her face. “Oh, the poor thing.”

“It’s not as bad as it sounds,” he responded. “Overall, she’s hanging in well and has a good family, and she doesn’t show any signs of chronic depression. She's just having a really tough time right now.” He got up to get a beer from the fridge, talking as he went. “She is not someone who needs pity. Besides, she’d hate that sort of thing.”

“So what’s so remarkable about her then?”

He used the bottle opener, causing the beer cap to go flying right in the trash can. Lucky, he thought to himself. Hopefully a sign of things to come. He took a big swig before speaking:

“One of the biggest closet cases I’ve seen.”

Akane’s jaw dropped. “Y-you can’t just say that about someone!" she stammered. "How can you tell?”

Yuuji chuckled. “You’re absolutely right; only she can choose what to identify as.” He took another sip from the bottle, sitting back down. “But, speaking as a person and not a psychiatrist for just a moment, she is 100% a lesbian.”

She crossed her arms, challenging him. “How so.”

He counted with his fingers. “Can’t stop thinking about her best friend. Is unable to fully deny she’s into women. Has reoccurring dreams and thoughts of a romantic scenario with said best friend. Gets flustered whenever she or I mention said friend. Pseudo-tomboy. Has admitted to feeling shame over these thoughts. Has only ever had these confused feelings over her best friend. Never had any desires to be with a boy. Has clear sexual attraction-“

“Okay! Okay! I get it! I don’t need to hear any more!” she held her arms up in surrender. “And I especially don’t need to be reminded of what being a confused, horny teenager was like! I’ve had more than enough of that for a lifetime.”

“That’s ironic considering you’re probably the closest to a hormonal teenager out of the two of us.” He coyly took another sip from the beer.

She mocked a look of outrage, pouting. “And what makes you say that?”

He smirked, simply pointing to her belly. “You were the one that started it that night.”

She rolled her eyes before walking over and kissing him. “You’re such a meanie to your beautiful wife.” She gathered the dishes and brought them to the sink.

“I'm just teasing and you know it!" he laughed. "I do it because I love you,” he said in response, taking one last sip, finishing out the bottle, and tossing it into recycling. “I’m going to take a shower. Thank you for the food as always.” She lightheartedly shooed him off, and he scurried towards the bathroom. A look of wistfulness washed over his face as he walked through the dimly lit hallway.

He began mumbling his own words to himself. "I do it because I love you..." I hope Yuuko can say that someday.

Chapter Text

Yuuko spent the past hour holed up in her room reading the comic over and over again, trying to decipher any sort of meaning or punchline. There was none.

Now, granted, this was usually how Mai’s comics were: confusing messes that were meant to enrage Yuuko at their nonsensical, cliffhanger nature. It’s just this one was somehow even more random than it usually is.

By the time Yuuko was done, she had memorized every centimeter of graphite on the page and took careful notice of the details of Mai’s handwriting - all in some futile attempt at trying to read Mai. She sighed, and deciding she was done, opened up her bottom desk drawer.

Inside was a collection, neatly organized, of every paper, note, drawing, and comic that Yuuko had accumulated from her friends. There were her drawings with Hakase, Mio’s sketches and manga, Mai’s weird comics, and countless notes passed throughout class as well as a few tests with doodles Yuuko was particularly proud of. Sitting on the righthand side of the drawer was a bunch of letters she’d received over the years, from friends and family alike.

Yuuko couldn’t really say why she did this. Another ADHD thing? Probably, but she knew it wasn’t just that. Although she may not have seemed like the type, Yuuko considered herself to be a highly sentimental and emotional person. Her friends and family meant the world to her, and simply just having these here as a constant presence was enough to remind her when she was down that people cared about her.

It was easy to get depressed over the past year, what with her failing grades and inner turmoil in terms of mental state. Her apathetic “too cool for school” attitude could only get her so far before the reality sank in and she got scolded by a teacher or her parents and then she was back to sulking – sometimes in jest, sometimes not.

Yuuko neatly placed the comic in a manila folder labeled “Mai” and closed it up again. Whenever she was down, she always found herself coming back to that damn Masao. This was a detail she never dared to share with anyone. She worried it made her seem stalker-like, collecting friendship memorabilia and what not, even if it was neatly organized. Plus, she found it mildly embarrassing how sentimental she was.

Yuuko closed the drawer again and laid back on top of her bed. Yesterday, she was too exhausted to think – therapy takes a mental toll. But now, she felt as if she had all the time in the world, and she mainly wanted to be alone with her thoughts.

Her thoughts. She thought back to what Dr. Miyamura had said. “Don’t feel guilty for exploring your emotions, your mind, or your feelings. They don’t say anything about you as a person; that’s what actions are for.”

She decided to indulge in the “exploration” exercise he suggested. She scoffed. Yeah, right. As if it’ll make any difference from the countless times beforehand.

Closing her eyes, she got snug under her sheets, still in her day clothes, not caring, and she closed her eyes as she envisioned the same scenario she had a thousand times before, to the point where she felt like she could list every blade of grass: the hillside.

“Yuuko,” Mai said, a visible blush on her face. “I… I think I’m in love with you.”

Yuuko’s pulse was pounding. She had no idea what to say but knew that Mai wasn’t joking. “Mai…” Usually, Yuuko would abort the sequence here, as she got weirded out how this all made her feel, physically and mentally. Sometimes she’d press a bit further. The worst part is, Yuuko couldn’t deny Mai even in her own fantasies. She couldn’t shoot her down by saying, “Sorry, I’m not into girls,” or even just by saying she wasn’t interested. The words just wouldn’t come out. Partially because she was uncertain what to say, but primarily it was the idea of hurting Mai. She wanted to see Mai happy. Not like I want a relationship, of course.  What would a relationship even look like, anyways? Especially between two girls? Well, it’d be the same as a straight couple, just… with two women. But still, how would that feel? Would I enjoy it?

Usually, this was the part where she went, “Yeah, that’s just a hypothetical, it won’t happen; she was joking before, and besides, I’m not into girls, anyway! I’m not into anyone! I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but frankly, it’s never bothered me!” Liar.

Yuuko was tempted to do what she normally did: jolt her eyes open, wipe the event away from her mind, and feel its remnants float up into her subconscious – along with it, her conflicting emotions. But this time, a frustration nagged at her. Explore your thoughts, Yuuko, you coward. She didn’t want to let Dr. Miyamura down (and more importantly, herself) by backing out now.

Yuuko was frozen, just standing there. Mai suddenly inched closer, and this was the part where Yuuko realized just how good her memory of Mai was. She could make out all the details on her face; the way her hair shone downwards; the gleam of her glasses. There was that default expression she carried with her 90% of the time; the several inches she had over Yuuko in stature; the soft blush she’d only seen at most three times in her whole life. And on top of it all, the way the sleeves of her fall uniform covered her wrists, ending with cream skin and slender fingers that Yuuko desperately wanted to touch.

Wait, what? Yuuko thought to herself before shutting her questions back in a box. Don’t ask questions now; continue! She reached out for Mai’s hand, gazing at it before gently enfolding it with her own. This is a place for me and Mai only, she thought to herself. No one else matters here; it’s just the two of us; no one can see me or my thoughts. There’s nothing wrong with me doing this; it’s just a thought experiment like Dr. Miyamura said.

Though the thought experiment was getting a bit too personal for Yuuko’s tastes as she envisioned Mai wrapping her arms around her waist. The warm feeling prompted Yuuko to extend hers around Mai’s shoulders, acting on pure instinct, staring into her eyes.

Yuuko was paralyzed upon seeing the gleam in Mai’s eyes; the desperation for affection. The desperation for her. For Yuuko Aioi, resident idiot. For Yuuko Aioi, the girl chronically prosecuted by bad luck. For Yuuko Aioi, the girl who once got rocks thrown at her by a little kid because he thought her hairstyle was funny. Yuuko Aioi, the sexually, romantically confused teenage girl. The idea that someone could love her like this… and that it would be someone she adores back… it feels nice…

In the real world, Yuuko’s muscles tensed up. Sweat grew on her brow. Next thing she knew, Mai was closing her eyes as she wrapped Yuuko further against her body, pressing against her, encompassing Yuuko in an everlasting peace, and then their lips touched, and-

-and even though it was just a thought, Yuuko could practically feel Mai’s lips on hers. Electricity surged through her body, causing her to shudder and let out an audible squeak at the thought, her face fuming from the heat, her muscles twitched as she kicked her legs against the mattress, reaching for a pillow to grab tightly.

What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck-

Yuuko snapped out of it. It’s just a thought. Thoughts aren’t supposed to make me feel like this. But lo and behold, she had felt like her discomfort had been exorcised. The second the image of her kissing Mai hit the mind’s eye, the anxiety was replaced by arousal; the fear replaced by longing; the misery replaced with bliss. It made her giddy. It made her writhe on her bedspread. It made her shiver. Never before had she felt like this. And she wanted more.

She was rewinding the whole thing. She wanted to get that feeling back. Mai’s lips tenderly pressing against hers as her soft hands played with Yuuko’s uniform. The rush at the mere thought of something like that happening to her, and from Mai, a person whom she held so dear and near to her heart, someone she loved-

No. No no no no no no. That can’t be.

Suddenly the fear struck back as her eyes slammed open at the realization. Most girls would not get excited over such a thought, Yuuko broached to herself. Most would at best be disinterested, at worst be violently opposed to even the thought of touching another woman like that. So why did it make me feel… something? And something good at that?

Yuuko swore she had felt a weaker version of this emotion before, but it was only ever in the context of thinking about Mai and the incident on the hill. But now that she let the actual scene play out through her head, it was stronger than ever. A rush of chemicals swept through her body; she didn’t have to do anything except just think about it and it made her jittery and excited and gave her butterflies- No! No, this is not normal! Oh god, first ADHD now this? What is wrong with me!?

Panicking, she scrambled for answers. She quickly pulled up her phone. The internet, yes, that’ll answer my questions. The world’s largest repository of information. Let’s see, what should I search… “What’s wrong with me?” No, that’s too vague. I need to narrow it down.

Signs you’re a lesbian

Thousands of resources popped up immediately. Forum posts from confused women of all ages; resources and guides made by people active within various communities; people sharing their own experiences.

HelpConfusedGirlThrowaway: so it’s not normal to have a constant urge to kiss your friends’ lips?

ResidentKing02: No it’s not lol sorry to say. ESPECIALLY when you do what I did, where you get home and fantasize about your friend confessing their love for you, and then you kiss, and then-

Yuuko’s face burnt to a crisp upon reading the rest.

Do I have a crush on my friend

In this listicle, we’ll detail some signs that YOU might have a crush on your best friend. This was sponsored by-

Yuuko scrolled down.

Number 6: Active daydreaming

Not a good sign.

Number 11: You get nervous and excited just thinking about them

Number 12: You’re always looking forward to hanging out with them

Number 14: You want to know everything about them

Number 15: The fact that you’re reading this, dummy!

Shit.

Yuuko frowned. She had never had any questions about not being attracted to guys; she just thought she hadn’t met the right guy yet. She wasn’t asexual; she knew that as she still wanted love and affection and… other things hormonal teenagers want. But still, was she actually a lesbian? Or was Mai some weird case?

Alright, Yuuko thought. Enough playing around. You can’t trust the internet. What I can trust is myself.

She decided to do a little test…

Hot men

Safe search: off

Yuuko observed her phone as though it were an academic paper, studying the various guys’ pecs, biceps, glutes, and, um, pelvises. She held a finger up to her chin, studying. She appreciated them like fine art in a gallery, admiring the nature of their beauty and the effort put into the presentation and lighting, the camera angle, the makeup. It invoked feelings of admiration for the wonders of the universe, made her think less about herself and more about the glorious art form of resilience that is the human body.

That’s probably not a good sign.

She sighed. No backing out now.

Hot women

Yuuko gasped. The internet truly was a wonderful place.

At her fingertips laid page upon page of the most beautiful women Yuuko had ever seen, all of different backgrounds, nationalities, hair colors, eye colors, height, weight, cup size, all in different poses, and oh God the way she felt when-

Yuuko dropped her phone, hand shaking, perspiration flowing. When had it gotten so hot in here? And when had she unbuttoned her shirt?

This is a dangerous game, Aioi. This is a mental pipeline of no return. There was one final barrier to cross.

The ultimate test. Mankind’s most scientifically accurate achievement. Thousands of hours spent into researching complex formulas; questions so precise in diction they could’ve been genetically engineered in a lab. Truly the pinnacle of modern technology; something to regale for centuries to come.

Am I gay quiz (for girls)

1. On a scale of 1-5, how much does the idea of kissing another girl excite you on average?

Strong 3. She'd go for a higher score, but Mai is the only noteworthy case of strong attraction she can think of, save for the very beautiful women she was looking at just a second ago.

4. On a scale of 1-5, how much would you say you’re sexually attracted to men on average?

An easy 1.

5. Do you ever fantasize about dating another woman?

Yuuko shamefully hovered over “yes”, a seemingly mighty echo reverberating across the room as she tapped the screen.

10. Are you taking this quiz right now?

            …Damn.

Result: You are a lesbian

Yuuko stared at that sentence until she could no longer make out the individual letters; her entire state of being stuck in a wash of nothingness as time stood still for her.

Paradoxically, Yuuko wanted that answer. It was cathartic. She didn’t have to “realize” for herself. By taking the quiz, she put the burden on the internet stranger. She wanted an answer because she wanted a label to describe herself that she could consult when she was confused. A label let her know she wasn’t alone and that others had been confused over the same things before her. She had resources to help her with her inner struggle.

But there was that nagging part of her mind that wouldn’t take it for an answer. She rolled over on the bed, gaze far off in the distance. It’s just a stupid internet quiz… she thought to herself. This doesn’t say anything about me…

Rolling over further, she curled up in the blankets in a fetal position, wrapped like a sushi roll. She felt warm from blushing, but her insides felt cold and hollow. She was beginning to sweat. She began scratching her tousled hair, deep in thought.

Don’t lesbians realize when they’re young? Well, no, I know that’s not always true, but the signs are there. They’re able to go back and think “oh, yeah, I guess I did like girls this whole time.” But me? Nah, I don’t have that. I’ve just straight up never thought of relationships or anything of the nature unless others brought it up.

Shutting her eyes tightly, her lips curled in distress. I don’t know what to do! What’s wrong with me? Why does nothing make sense anymore? What happened to my regular, normal, boring teenage life to be replaced with… this?!

With her eyes closed, she felt a black void consume her sight. Alone, empty in a cold dark world in her mind, a place that she never understood. If she didn’t feel safe alone with her thoughts, then was there anywhere she could truly call a haven?

Suddenly, Yuuko caught a glimpse of Mai’s glasses in her peripheral vision. She felt the earth rotate around beneath her feet; a platform pivoting her position to face an apparition of Mai’s visage, long off in the distance.

“…Huh?”

Yuuko soon felt herself thrusted forward. Anticipating collision, her arms instinctively reached out for support and found a soft, silky school uniform to cling onto, gently raising herself up and straightening her posture to stand. She opened her eyes to see Mai… smiling.

That smile she loved so much.

With déjà vu, Yuuko had her arms wrapped around Mai’s slim waist, and looked up to meet her eyes dead-on, inches above her. She felt her legs begin to shake, the raw passion of Mai’s stare penetrating her heart and soul, making her insides melt. Totally straight thoughts, Yuuko, she spoke into Mai’s sleeve sarcastically.  Looking past Mai’s shoulder, she noticed the same television set they played games on just six hours earlier: they were in Mai’s room.

Mai’s hand continued to caress Yuuko’s back; gentle strokes of reassurance that everything would be alright. Yuuko’s body was tense at first, but with each stroke and with each breath exhaled by Mai’s gorgeous voice, she began to ease into the embrace more and more, enjoying the feeling of Mai’s forearms pressed against her shoulders, enveloping her in a warm pillowy constriction. While Yuuko’s breathing slowed, Mai’s escalated, and each stroke was broader than the last. Eventually, she reached her hand up to Yuuko’s collar and started caressing down the back of Yuuko’s uniform, making her freeze in shock, while her other hand remained outside, focusing on the small of the back…

Yuuko’s brain resumed functioning.

No. Yuuko pulled away from Mai. “This can’t be happening, Mai. I… this makes me feel so dirty. I… I don’t want this. Well, no, I do want this, just… I hate that I enjoy this.”

“Then don’t think about it,” the imaginary Mai said. Yuuko pulled her gaze up from the floor, now realizing they were in Class 1-Q.  “No one knows. No one can judge. We’re alone in your thoughts. There’s nothing wrong with what we’re doing. Is being gay wrong?” Mai asked inquisitively. A highly uncharacteristic shark tooth grin dawned on her face, contrasting with her typical terse speech. It was a grimace more befitting of Hakase than the girl who was called “Mute Minakami” in junior high.

“N-no, of course not!” Yuuko shook her head, fist quavering in anger, outrage on her face (towards what, she couldn’t place). “There is nothing wrong with being gay! I’m socially conscious! Lesbians are cool! They’re awesome! I’d have no qualms if I was a lesbian!”

“Then why are you so tense right now?” Mai trailed off with laughter at the end, causing a bewildered Yuuko to take closer note of her surroundings.

On the blackboard behind Mai was a series of sketches, writings, and love umbrellas of all the couples in school. And sitting right there, in the middle of it all, in Mai’s ever-so clean handwriting, was an umbrella with two names under it: Mai and Yuuko.

“Could it be you’re afraid of this?” Mai giggled, gesturing towards the drawing Yuuko couldn’t take her eyes away from.

The idea… of people knowing Mai and I were together… and were… attracted to each other…

Yuuko shook her head wildly. “Never, ever in my life have I had a romantic thought. Never, ever in my life have I had a sexual thought. If anything, I should be asexual. I’m easily the purest girl in our friend group; I might as well be a monk.”

Mai’s normal blank expression returned. “That’s a lie and you know it.” She spoke with confidence.

And Yuuko did know it was a lie. The thoughts she’d had in the past year were certainly anything but “pure” in nature. The fact she was having them at all was already a condemnation of the possibility that she was asexual or aromantic or just didn’t care about relationships or marriage or kids or family or-

“And even before the incident, those thoughts still existed at the back of your mind,” Mai said, reading Yuuko’s thoughts. “If we were to date, what would there be to be scared of?”

“Tons of things, you idiot!” Yuuko knew this Mai wasn’t real but still cringed at the prospect of insulting Mai so harshly. “Rumors would go around, we’d never hear the end of it, we’d be bullied and harassed, and… and… and we won’t have legal protections, and it’ll be hard for us to start a family, and…” she shuddered, “…we couldn’t get married…”

Mai giggled softly. “You’re telling on yourself.” She stepped forward with an uncharacteristically suave nature. “But what if things go right?” she inquired. “We’d get to hold hands, we’d get to confide in each other, we’d say “I love you” to each other every day, we’d get to kiss, we’d get to hold each other, and we’d be supported by the people around us.” Her hand cupped Yuuko’s cheek. Yuuko was pouting, her eyeline pointed diagonally towards the ground.

Yuuko grumbled. “This… means nothing… none of this means anything…” she spoke in denial.

Mai sighed, but her playful expression returned. “These are all obviously thoughts you’re having, and you and I both know that you can’t ignore them. I’m trying to help you realize that and accept yourself.” The room suddenly went dark only for it to be replaced by a spotlight shining on the two of them, standing on a stage in an empty auditorium. “But on the other hand,” Mai gave that devilish grin again. “I agree in the sense that this is your mind and nothing we do here will have any real-world consequences.”

Yuuko blinked and her exasperated expression was immediately replaced by one of shock, embarrassment, and… flush. Mai now wore an off-white sundress with a flower pattern; the individual threads weaving to create what was simultaneously the most gorgeous and cutest outfit Yuuko had ever seen. And to see Mai in it… alongside her tall, broad legs and her hair reaching down to her back now slowly walking towards Yuuko again… Yuuko didn’t even realize she’d stopped cupping her cheek in the first place.

Mai winked and had a lascivious smile on her face. “There’s no point in fighting what you’ve always wanted, Yuuko.” Yuuko felt herself magnetized to Mai, suddenly finding herself in an embrace with so much passion it made her dizzy.

Yuuko could feel her legs giving out. The feelings were awash in her veins, totally consuming her.

This was a battle she had lost, but not one she couldn’t negotiate with.

“…I want the real Mai,” Yuuko spoke softly but with enough confidence it almost came across as a threat. She was sure she uttered it in real life, too. “This is my mind. I don’t want… you, some… representation of my brain, or ego or whatever you are,” she scoffed but showed no visible amusement. “I. Want. Mai.”

Yuuko blinked and almost tripped upon finding herself no longer in an embrace, once more finding herself in Mai’s bedroom, facing a wall. Confused and worn out, she turned around.

“Yuuko.”

Sure enough, it was the Mai that was there at the beginning of this gaydreaming- er, daydreaming exercise – Mai with a fall uniform, blank expression, and a book in her right hand. But Yuuko had grown to become receptive to all of Mai’s individual quirks and recognized an alteration from her usual default state.

This Mai was blushing. And had accelerated breathing. And was fidgeting with her thumbs wildly. She had wobbly legs and the tiniest smile on her lips and was clearly having trouble making eye contact. She began rubbing her forearm out of nervousness after noticing Yuuko was now staring at her. She tried straightening out her hair with the other hand, attempting to make her appearances as neat as possible for Yuuko. Yuuko already knew she was as perfect as ever, however.

Yuuko took a few steps forward to observe closer. “Mai, is everything alri-“

Mai suddenly walked up towards Yuuko and stared her head-on, foreheads nearly touching after nearly crashing into each other, causing sweat to run from Yuuko’s forehead. She noticed the half-lidded expression from Mai’s eyes; they looked at her with such an intense yearning that Yuuko couldn’t believe it was even possible.

“M-Mai…”

Mai kissed her.

Hard.

And Yuuko had no intentions of stopping her.

Mrs. Aioi banged on the door once more. “Yuuko! Get up! It’s 11! Aren’t you meeting Nano at 12?!”

No response.

She sighed and turned to her right to examine the clock on the wall.

11:15.

Oh, for the love of-

“YUUKO, I’M COMING IN!” Say what you will about her, but Mrs. Aioi at least had the decency to respect her daughter’s privacy. She had given plenty of warnings, however.

Turning the knob, she entered Yuuko’s room. “Yuuko Aioi, you are lucky that you have a mother willing to wake your sorry ass up in the middle of summer… vacation…” She trailed off upon seeing Yuuko’s back turned towards the door, sheets curled around her as tight as possible, the bed a mess. The annoyance returned. She thinks she can ignore me, huh? She took a deep breath to raise her voice. “Yuuko, get OUT,” she tore up the covers, “of BED!”

Yuuko yelped at the realization of what was happening, feeling her entire body tumble out of bed and onto the floor, leaving a perfect trail of blankets in her wake as the sushi roll came undone. Hitting her head on the floor, she began rubbing her scalp to ease the pain. “What the hell, Mom?!” She stood up, still groggy from her deep sleep. “You never do that!”

“BECAUSE I usually never HAVE TO. Now change out of your god damn pajamas, it’s 40 minutes ‘til noon.”

Yuuko watched her mom storm out of her room, slamming the door on her out way, still massaging her head after hitting it. Hope that doesn’t leave a bump, she rolled her eyes. She collapsed on the floor in exasperation, faceplanting. I can’t even get up on time anymore, she thought. She sighed in desperation. What am I going to do?

Lost in the thoughts of last night’s dream, she didn’t notice her mom sneaking behind her as she grabbed her by the legs and threw her over her head causing her to land flat on her back against the nightstand, the lampshade falling down on her head. “I’M BEING SERIOUS,” her mom stated before slamming the door once again.

Yuuko let out her heaviest sigh yet. Good grief.

Chapter Text

Nano walked in with a freshly made cup of tea, Hakase acting as her shadow the whole way through.

“Yuuko! Yuuko” Hakase shouted, jumping up and down, as she followed Nano into the living room. “Please play with me!”

“I promise I will after I have a chat with Nano!” Yuuko stated with a confident smirk and a wink, striking a pose that only got Hakase more excited. She then rushed off to… somewhere, waiting for Yuuko and Nano to get done with whatever they were doing.

“Yuuko, how’ve you been?” Nano asked. “I know I already asked that, but you’ve been seeming a bit stressed since coming in.”

Yuuko’s heart would normally beat faster out of nervousness and a fear of her “secret thoughts” from getting out, but she was exhausted. Rather, she was jaded, and it had drained her of her energy to actually worry about things. She just waved off Nano’s remark. “It’s fine, I swear, I guess it’s just school tomorrow.”

Nano still looked concerned and spoke after another sip. “Well, if you have anything to talk about, I’m here for you. Please let me know.”

Yuuko thought about that, touched by Nano’s kindness. She didn’t like holding things back from her, and lord knows Nano knows what it’s like to keep a secret about yourself hidden from everyone else. She reconsidered. “…Well, I have been struggling with some… personal stuff lately, but I’m not exactly ready to talk about it with anyone except my therapist.” Yuuko felt her tea was sufficiently cooled to take a sip from now, plus it gave a reason to take a pause without making it awkward. Gesturing a finger to indicate a moment, she put her cup down. “It’s something I’m still figuring out. Sort of an internal battle of sorts.” Nano nodded her head in understanding. “But don’t worry about me!” Yuuko continued. “I’m holding up just fine! In fact,” she noted, “right after this my prescription is going to be ready and I’m going to pick it up. Hopefully it’ll make me do better in school.”

“That’s good news, at least!” Nano expressed with a smile. “Are you nervous about it?”

“Definitely, yeah, but I keep on going through these waves where I get apprehensive, then I’m not. Then I think about what potential side effects I might experience, then I worry again. But I’m able to recognize those are irrational and just try and push them out of my head.”

“That’s an important skill for sure,” Nano replied.

“Yeah,” Yuuko absentmindedly stirred her green tea, thinking about the long day ahead of her tomorrow. “Oh!” she exclaimed. “That reminds me, you’ve never seen an opening ceremony, have you?”

“No, I haven’t,” Nano spoke with an inquisitive tone.

“They’re nothing special,” Yuuko waved off. “I mean, it’ll probably be exciting for you, but I’ve seen them, let’s see, more than 11 times in my lifetime at this point. But basically, everyone gathers around in a giant crowd, and we listen to various higher-ups talk about the school year, remind us of the rules, and inform us if anything has changed. If there’s any new staff, they’re welcomed. If any staff is retiring that year, we wish them a good final year. Now,” Yuuko smiled humorously, “the catch is that our school is weird. Which I feel you’ve already caught on by now, but more specifically the principal is weird. Every year he cracks these horrible jokes that no one laughs at except himself, and at least one thing goes wrong, either in the student body or on stage itself. Last year, Mio passed out.”

“Oh no! Was she okay?”

“No, but it was God damn hilarious!” Yuuko giggled at the memory.

“Well,” Nano jerked her head to the side, “I don’t think it’s funny when people get hurt.”

“No, but you have to understand,” Yuuko spoke, still giggling, “She passed out because she saw her crush, Sasahara! And she just got woozy all of a sudden! It was totally unexpected! I mean, at the moment I wasn’t laughing, but after the fact, you bet your ass I was! Me and Mai had to play gurney for her sake!”

“Ok,” Nano let out a chuckle, “That’s admittedly a little funny.”

“Don’t tell her I said that though,” Yuuko stated, waving her hand in front of her. “She will get mad at me and you. Don’t bring up Sasahara in front of her unless necessary.”

“Oh, trust me, I learned that from the sleepover.”

“You mean the sleepover I couldn’t sleep during?”

Nano and Yuuko looked towards the entranceway to see a Sakamoto waddling in with an origami hat on his head.

Yuuko and Nano both let out “awwws” in unison.

“What?” He asked, looking above him to see what the girls were looking at. He let out a cry of anguish as he saw the tiny origami figure on his head and immediately whacked it off. “I told that girl to stop doing that! She always puts those on when I’m not looking!”

“But it’s cute!” Nano said. Yuuko readily agreed.

“I don’t care how cute it is, it ruins my image of maturity and authority!” he huffed in frustration. “One of you better go in and check on that girl before she comes up with some awful contraption to terrorize me with!” he spoke while wetting his paw, using it to smooth out his head fur.

“Alright, I promised her I’d play with her,” Yuuko said. “Nano, would you do the honor and come with me to entertain the madam?” she spoke with a faux-fancy accent.

“Why, certainly, miss Yuuko,” Nano said while bowing in response. Sakamoto simply rolled his eyes and looked for an object to play with. He was above such simple things as playing. He chose more refined activities. Like eating scraps of food off the floor.

Yuuko walked into Hakase’s lab, in awe at everything around her.

Wait… how come I’ve never seen this before?

“Yuuko!” Hakase immediately exclaimed, turning around from a workbench. “Welcome to my super-secret lab!”

Around her was a room full of various mysterious contraptions she couldn’t ever hope to identify. They laid across multiple large tables placed around the room, while the walls were littered with tools, devices, and compartments. The floor was littered with stray nuts, bolts, and screws, with an overhead lamp swinging gently.

Hakase reached over to the table behind her to take a potato chip out of the bag she’d been eating.

“…How exactly did we get here?”

“The secret door was open in the wall!” she spoke while chewing. “There’s nothing to hide, I just think hidden doors are cool.”

“Can’t say I disagree with that,” Yuuko beamed. “So, what do you wanna do, oh sharky one?”

“I want to show you what I’m working on!”

Hakase suddenly pulled out from her labcoat a small grey box, covered with greebles (a funny word Yuuko had learned recently). [check that that’s the right word]. From the top, a small display protruded, and there was a small slot on the side that could probably only hold a few 100 yen coins.

“I call it the DaiTai! Because it’s what you use when you really want to know what you want!”

Yuuko smiled enthusiastically, acknowledging the cutesy Japanese wordplay, body language expressing clear excitement. “Wow! I have no idea what it does!”

“I can demonstrate!” Upon placing the device on her workbench, Hakase dashed out of the room before anyone could think, somehow managing not to step on any of the loose parts scattered about, and promptly came in with a wiggly black cat, crying in distress.

“No! You can’t use me as food for your new robot! I won’t allow it!”

“Ok, Sakamoto! I need one of your furs!”

“That’s even worse! Hands off me you gremlin!”

Expecting to be plucked, Hakase instead began rubbing him all over with her hands, jostling him gently, until a hair strand fell out of his coat and onto one of her sleeves, which didn’t take long considering how much of it there was. She let him slip away from her grasp at last, eliciting a bemused noise from the cat upon landing. “Well, that wasn’t so bad,” he remarked, pretending he wasn’t screaming just seconds ago. He then promptly began batting around a stray flathead screw.

Holding the hair in front of her face, she proudly exclaimed “We have a DNA sample!”

She placed the hair in the slot in the device and plugged in her keyboard via a USB slot. She began typing out a question, which displayed on the top monitor.

Input: What do I want most right now?

Pressing enter, she got a result.

Output: I want to keep playing with this screw!

“Wow!” Yuuko and Nano both exclaimed. Sakamoto looked towards the screen, then left quickly in embarrassment.

Hakase began elaborating, “It establishes a baseline connection via a DNA sample, then is able to wirelessly intercept the neurological signals of their brain! It’s like tuning into a radio station.”

Yuuko stared in amazement as her mind began to wander. This… could answer a lot of questions I’ve had about other people over the years…

Nano’s amusement turned to concern. “Um… Hakase, couldn’t that be an invasion of privacy? It’s undeniably really cool and impressive, but…”

I could get into Mai’s head with this… Yuuko thought. But… would that be okay?

Hakase put a hand on her chin in thought, contemplating, before nodding, albeit pouting. “Yeah, I guess you’re right Nano. I can fix that real quick.” She went to her computer and began typing. “Please be quiet while I concentrate.”

They did as she asked, although Yuuko was surprised there was a moment in Hakase’s life she would ever want quiet. Within ten seconds, a final clack from the keyboard emerged.

“Done!” She swiveled back to them in her chair. Yuuko was astonished at her quick speed. “Now people can only see stuff they’d willingly share with others!”

To demonstrate, she did the same question with Sakamoto’s sample.

Input: What do I want most right now?

Output: [CLASSIFIED]

Well damn, there go my most interesting ideas… Yuuko thought. Though maybe that’s for the best…

“Well, that makes me feel a lot better,” Nano said with a visible expression of relief on her face.

“I need to test it more though to be confident it works, though!” Hakase said with determination. Suddenly, she shifted towards Yuuko and used her biggest puppy dog eyes. “Would you please be my first human test subject?”

Yuuko couldn’t say no to that face. “Alright, alright! Let me think of a question.”

Truthfully, Yuuko was dedicating most of her brain power to thinking of what she could theoretically find out from this machine. Maybe she could figure out what Mio wanted to surprise her with, or what her teachers actually thought of her…

Or if there was a chance in hell with Mai.

She finally thought of something good. “Ok, try this: what music do I want to listen to?”

“Okay!”

Hakase waddled over to Yuuko, looking at her face intensely. Before Yuuko could step back to give her some space, she jumped up and plucked a hair from her head, making her flinch. Her oversized coat flopping with gravity was too cute for Yuuko to get miffed at her for it, though.

Hakase carefully removed Sakamoto’s sample from the slot and placed it into a small plastic bag she had on standby, put some masking tape on it and labeled it accordingly. She then put Yuuko’s hair in, making sure it was locked in place, and began typing away.

Input: What music do I want to listen to?

Output: American punk music

“Well, is that accurate, Yuuko?”

She had a big smile. “Well, truthfully, I didn’t know the answer myself to that question, but now that I think about it, yeah, it is!”

Hakase bounced up and down. “Could you show me?”

Yuuko quickly became just as excited as her, the chance showing itself to get Hakase into her music. “Of course!” She rapidly pulled out her phone. Nano looked on, happy to see the two interacting well.

“So, in general, I just like anything rock or with guitars, but I tend to stick with alternative music specifically. I listen to Japanese punk, naturally, since I can fully understand the lyrics, but there’s so many great, famous American bands I still love to listen to even if I can’t sing along to a lot of them. I can always find translated lyrics online.” She pulled up her favorite playlist and started blasting it away. “Truthfully, the primary motivation I have for continuing to learn and get better at English is that I may be able to fully understand my favorite bands someday.”

Hakase listened in amazement at the distorted guitars and loud, crunchy drums, and soon began bouncing up and down, looking like she would bounce off the walls if she got any more excited. Yuuko began awkwardly shuffling about as Nano just looked on and smiled. Even though the phone’s speakers were objectively terrible (because, well, they’re phone speakers), it didn’t matter. They were all having fun.

Yuuko knew everything would be okay, somehow.

Soon things tempered down. Yuuko saw it was getting late and stopped the music after several short but sweet songs. Hakase and Nano gave her some hugs to say goodbye, but before she left, she thought to ask Hakase something.

“Hey, Hakase, do you think I could stop by tomorrow to use that device again?”

“Sure thing! What for?”

“Well…” this was embarrassing to ask, but Yuuko felt it was innocent enough to let Hakase in on the know. “We’re doing karaoke tomorrow night to celebrate another school year, and I didn’t really know what songs to sing but…. I mainly want to impress Mai.” Yuuko blushed, and Nano giggled.

“Wow, want to show her up that badly, huh?”

“Yeah,” Yuuko nervously chuckled. “I guess you could say it like that, huh…”

“Oh!” Hakase pointed a finger up. “You’re in luck!”

She went to a desk and opened a drawer. She whipped out another small plastic bag, filled with several black strands of hair. “She has so much hair I decided to go ahead and take some DNA samples! She left a bunch in the drain when she slept over the other night,” she made a grossed-out face with her tongue sticking out, causing Yuuko to laugh.

“Hakase, isn’t that a little… weird? Doing that without someone’s consent?”

“She left it! It’s free game as far as I’m concerned! I was planning on doing testing with it!”

“Well, you should definitely tell her before doing that. It’s proper manners,” Yuuko chimed in. “…But, I guess I can let my moral principle slide just this once…” She was really only half joking, because in a way, she was absolutely desperate to find a way to keep an edge on Mai – joke wise, talent wise, whatever. It’d been a competition between them for a few years now at this point.

“Well, let’s see what I can do!” Hakase started up the machine again, removing Yuuko’s strand of hair and putting it in its own bag, repeating the process once more.

Input: What song would impress me if Yuuko sang it?

It took a while to load, but soon, the answer popped up and Yuuko was astonished, and admittedly flustered, at the fact she was literally getting into Mai’s head like this.

Output: Anything in English.

Of course, Yuuko thought. Of course it would impress her if I managed to sing a song in her second language.

“Looks like you’ve got a challenge ahead of you, huh, Yuuko?”

“Yeah, well,” She put both her hands behind her head, trying to look cool, and failing due to the fact that she is Yuuko Aioi. “I already know several songs in English syllable wise as I’ve heard them so many times, I just gotta work them out and pronounce them properly. I can do it in a night,”

“Well, good luck Yuuko!” Hakase shouted, giving her another hug.

“Yeah, good luck!” Nano said, joining in for a group hug.

Yuuko’s face lit up as she remembered why she wanted to impress Mai in the first place – it wasn’t just to show her up as always (although she would thoroughly enjoy that). It was to get her attention.

Oh, how desperately I want her attention…

On the walk home, Yuuko thought about Mai, in general. She really does have a lot of hair, doesn’t she? She thought. I remember when it was short. It was so cute back then, I just wanted to ruffle it all the time.

She did, in fact, do that back in middle school, much to Mai’s annoyance. There was a part of her that told her she secretly liked the affection, however, based on how she’d always have a smile after it.

Now, it’s long. And pretty. And… beautiful. It frames her face really well, and I just want to run a hand through it, and… hold it…

She quickly found herself wanting to ruffle Mai’s hair again, not just for old time’s sake. She desperately wanted to be closer to Mai.

Man, imagine if Mai stayed over at MY place… what if we had a sleepover together, just the two of us… Her face lit up just at the thought. And it was MY drain that hair was stuck in… wait, what? She smacked herself upside the head. I’m getting jealous over a damn bathroom sink?! Quicky realizing her thoughts were getting weirder and off track, she realized she wasn’t too far from home.

Oh right, I have to think of a song. Well… she browsed her phone’s library as she entered through the front door. She spotted a few songs…

Oh.

Oh, this one would be perfect.

Chapter Text

The school's opening ceremony was lame, as it was last year.

Well, minus one part.

"And of course, to all of our incoming first-years, we want to welcome you with open arms... and open hearts... and open minds..."

The principal had been droning on for about 5 minutes now. The vice principal stared sternly at him, no doubt keeping him in line.

"Won't this guy ever shut up?" Mio whispered.

"That's not very nice!" Nano whispered, bordering on being spoken at a normal volume. She had never been to a single opening ceremony in her life, so she was bound to be more impressed than the rest of them.

"Look, I get this is new to you, but he did this last year, too, and even before then, our junior high principal-"

"Holy shit, it's a bald eagle!"

Yuuko could recognize by his voice that it was Tsuyoshi who had said it, but no one else seemed to care, as everyone simultaneously jerked their heads up as if they'd been delivered an uppercut. Sure enough, there was an all-American bald eagle, hovering in circles less than ten meters above the principal's podium.

Excited murmuring emerged from the entire crowd as the unmistakable sight of a bird not native to Japan stalked above them, evidently searching for prey.

The principal, palm laid perpendicular to his forehead so as to shield his vision, simply turned back around, smiling, shaking his head. "Well, isn't this exciting? My vision isn't as good as it used to be, but unfortunately I believe that to be a Steller's sea eagle."

The words went right through the crowd, not penetrating the awe of the rare sight.

"However, this is a good thing! Remember that in the Nihon Shoki, Ame no Hiwashi is the reason why we associate eagles with auspiciousness. That's a good start to the year, isn't it? When Amaterasu entered Amano-Iwato, she..."

All of a sudden, the eagle decided to stop riding the thermal and took a deep plunge. Its wings flapped gracefully as it descended, claws outstretched, as it made a beeline straight for the principal, who was none the wiser. The whole crowd screamed out in terror, while he had the most placid, kindhearted grin on his face.

As the eagle's talons clenched into his head, just as suddenly, the eagle soared off with its prey: the principal's toupée.

Yuuko, who unfortunately knew the truth of the principal's baldness, watched in amazement as the entire crowd, teachers and students combined, screamed in horror. Some were realizing his hair was fake for the first time, others were simply stunned a bald eagle almost stabbed the principal, and even more were of the mistaken belief that the eagle had somehow ripped out all of his hair with one clean swipe, tearing it all from its roots.

"...and that, my friends, is all I have to say. I wish you all the best in your studies, and remember the courage of the eagle as a symbol of the potential you all have. Thank you for your time." After the principal finished his speech, he turned to the side to step off the podium, sunlight catching his shiny head, blinding the students.

As the students and faculty all shuffled out, shaken, some even brought to tears, Mai noticed a discarded newspaper that one of the teachers must have dropped in shock.

BIRD ENCLOSURE JAILBREAK FROM SAITAMA ZOO

The rest of the day went by uneventfully, consisting of syllabi and idle chit-chat.

Karaoke night had gone off without a hitch as far as the four girls were concerned, as they all had met up in front of the joint with no problem or delays. But to Yuuko, it was all a distant memory compared to the present.

It’s just karaoke, Yuuko thought to herself as she waited for her fifth go on the machine. You’ve done this a million times.

Mio was in the process of singing some niche OP for a show no one else had heard of, and even in her nervousness, Yuuko couldn’t help but smile at the peppiness of her over eager friend. It did not, however, quell the nervousness that was spreading throughout her core.

She had sloppily sung along to English songs at karaoke nights before, but now, she felt like she had to take things seriously, because the entire point of tonight, as far as she was concerned, was impressing Mai. Just a glance from the girl and maybe a thumbs up would be enough. Currently, Mai was sitting totally upright, occasionally glancing at Mio, but other times just staring at the wall, the ceiling, or her hands.

She knew better than to think she was not listening, however. That much she had learned in the few years she had known her.

As Mio finished, posing dramatically with her fist in the air, the three observers clapped and cheered, Nano being the most vocal.

“That was amazing Mio! You have such a stage presence!”

“Ah… well… it’s not that big of a deal…” Mio lightly blushed, hands clasped between her back.

“Don’t undersell yourself, Mio-chan!” Yuuko chimed in with, albeit not as loud as usual considering she was nerve wracked.

Mio simply let out a sigh. “You’re right, you’re right…”

As if knowingly embodying a harbinger, Mai interrupted with a quiet, “Yuuko, you’re next.”

Yuuko simply nodded and ran her hand through her own hair, messing it up a little bit as she went to use the microphone.

Ugghghgghhgghuhghhhghghghg was the only output her inner voice could come up with as she tried to call on whatever spirits may have lived in this karaoke parlor for divine intervention.

Slowly tapping the touch screen, searching for the song…

There’s too much music in this world. Surely, we don’t need all of this, right? All it’s doing is making my job harder.

Drums started playing, not a word emerging from her mouth as she turned around with a blank expression. Mio quirked up an eyebrow, Nano stared with an emotion somewhere between awe and confusion, mouth hanging open as the guitar and bass kicked in.

I really hope all of this practice paid off, Yuuko thought as she opened her lips.

Cease to resist, giving my goodbye
Drive my car into the ocean
You'll think I'm dead, but I sail away
On a wave of mutilation
A wave of mutilation
Wave of mutilation
Wave…
Wave…

Yuuko tried her hardest to sing with her diaphragm, but as a result of focusing on her breathing and correct English pronunciation, she wasn’t exactly focused on gauging reactions, which was ironic considering that was essentially the whole point of this exercise. “Mutilation” is a really hard word to pronounce.

I've kissed mermaids, rode the El Niño
Walked the sand with the crustaceans
Could find my way to Mariana
On a wave of mutilation
Wave of mutilation
Wave of mutilation
Wave…
Wave…

Yuuko had discovered the Pixies one day in a record store when she was a second year in junior high. A Nirvana fan, she had read on a forum that the Pixies were such a big influence for them that they even ended up getting one of their previous producers to produce In Utero for them. She was captivated by the bizarre image of a small monkey with a halo above its head and didn’t really know what to anticipate when she bought the CD and brought it home with her, but ended up really enjoying it for its sincere lyrics that are oftentimes sad or dark in nature.

Wave of mutilation
Wave of mutilation
Wave of mutilation
Wave…
Wave…

After her voice teetered off, Yuuko could do nothing but just clamp her eyes shut, too embarrassed to look at the reaction of her friends. This isn't a big deal, the logical part of her brain told her, yet she felt as if she was baring her soul to the world in this tiny, cramped room that vaguely smelled of alcohol.

Her train of thought was interrupted by a smattering of applause.

“That was really impressive, Yuuko!” Mio spoke first. “Your English sounded really good! Way better than I could do!”

“Yeah, Yuuko! You should be proud! Did you learn that?” Nano asked.

“A-ah…” she let out as her awkward smile curled up. “Y-yeah, I mean, I love that song, so I already sort of knew it, but I wanted to perform it, so I practiced at home, and, well, it’s like I knew the phonetics, but not so much the actual vocabulary, and-and, uhh, yeah!” She awkwardly played with her uniform collar.

“It sounded good,” quietly spoke the one person she was concerned with impressing the most. Yuuko could feel her pupils dilate in shock, as her head snapped to the left, causing a dull ache in her neck.

Mai was smiling gently.

“Your pronunciation was good. Your v’s were clear, and while your l’s weren’t perfect, they were easy to distinguish from the r’s. I think Ms. Sakurai would be impressed if she were here.”

Yuuko blushed.

“If you would like, I could practice English phonetics with you sometime.”

Blushed hard.

“O-oh, that would be, uh, wow, that… uh-huh, yeah, that, yeah, uh-huh… sure, sometime, maybe, possibly, that could work.”

Mai giggled. She fucking giggled, Yuuko's mind reiterated. “No pressure,” Mai noted.

Yuuko could not help but feel that Mai had been body snatched, because this open and lively of a Mai seemed almost alien to her. The compliments weren’t unexpected, but she thought they’d be far more terse.

“Speaking of, Mai, it’s your turn, isn’t it?” Nano spoke up. Yuuko remained frozen.

“It is,” Mai spoke, back to her ever-present neutral expression. She stood up, catching Yuuko’s attention, who awkwardly shuffled off the stage rather than partaking in the human practice of “walking”, flopping down in her chair unceremoniously.

Mai picked up the mic, silently chose a song within 15 seconds, clearly knowing what she was doing. She turned around, feet together, back straight, facing directly in front of her, not even bothering to look at the screen.

She opened her mouth, and Yuuko became starstruck the moment she heard her voice.

I'm so tall, can't get over me
I'm so low, can't get under me
I must be all these things
For I just threw out the love of my dreams
He is in my eyes
He is in my ears
He is in my blood
He is in my tears
I breathe love and see him every day
Even though my love is a world away

Oh, he's got me wondering
My righteousness is crumbling

Never before have I felt this way
Know what is right, but want for him to stay
I must be made of steel
For I just threw out the love of my dreams
He is in my eyes
He is in my ears
He is in my blood
He is in my tears
I breathe love and see him every day
Even though my love is a world away

Oh, he's got me wondering
My righteousness is crumbling

As the instrumental swelled, Yuuko felt herself tearing up. Why? she couldn’t help but think to herself. What… what’s wrong with me? What is this? Her hands started shaking. Why… why can’t I compose myself?

Oh, he's got me wondering
My righteousness is crumbling
And I see him everyday
Even though my love’s a world away

He's in my eyes
He is in my ears
He's in my blood
He is in my tears
I must be made of steel
For I just threw out the love of my dreams

...

Another round of applause.

“That was beautiful, Mai!” Nano spoke.

“Every time we come out, I always forget how beautiful your voice is…” Mio said, hand propped on her chin. “I wish I had as delicate of a voice as you do!”

“Thank you,” she spoke as she smiled slightly.

Mai turned to look at Yuuko, instead tilting her head inquisitively.

She wasn’t there.

-------

Yuuko barged into the restroom, trying not to hyperventilate too loudly. She quickly made sure that no stalls were occupied – they were all wide open. Turning on the faucet, she splashed, no, shoved cold water into her face, attempting to stabilize her breathing the shakiness of her body.

What just happened in there?

Gripping tightly enough onto the porcelain, she could feel the veins in her arms bulging.Mai hadn’t done anything or said anything odd that would cause Yuuko to freak out. She just… sang a song, and the emotions overwhelmed her to the point of tears. It wasn't even the first time she had sang that night! Sure, Mai was beautiful, talented, and amazing, but it’s not as if she didn’t already know these things.

Oh, I see, she thought. Now that I'm figuring out these feelings, it’s going to cause my stomach to flip every time she does something that reminds me why I lo- like her, in the first place.

Yuuko was hesitant to admit any feelings she had towards Mai even resembled love. It was so sudden. Yet there was that gut feeling of hers that this couldn’t be labeled as anything else.

Ugh! Why does this have to be so hard! she spoke mentally as she ruffled her own hair, scratching her scalp and pulling her hair out of sheer frustration and anxiety. Unclenching her teeth and opening her eyes, she grabbed onto the sink counter firmly and stared into the mirror, head turned downwards, and began grumbling to herself.

“I am not gay. I am not gay. I don’t know what this means, I’m not sure, but oh, man, what if I am gay?!” Her aggression was replaced by sorrow and worry, her façade of confidence gone in seconds. The mere thought that she may be even weirder than she already was was one that frightened her previously; it was a thought she refused to entertain. So, in a way, her introspection had paid off with progress... but at what cost to her sanity? That stupid dream or daydream or whatever has ruined my self-identity, and I most certainly am not looking forward to what Dr. Yuuji has to say about this because I know that I am not going to like it-

“Yuuko?”

She let out an ungodly gasp as she did a 180, forgetting to let go of the sink edge for a bit, nearly twisting her muscles. Instead, she shoved her back against it, feet pointed upwards as if skidding to a halt. Nearly shaking, she took a good look at the person who just entered the door.

It was Mai.

Play it cool. “H-h-h-h-h-h-hi, M-Mai…”

“Were you just now leaving the bathroom?”

Yuuko’s eyes darted to the floor, unable to maintain eye contact. “Y-yes! I mean, no! I mean, what are you doing here?”

Mai blushed (a real, genuine fucking blush) and turned her figure away from Yuuko, crossing an arm over her abdomen. “…I had to do… something…”

Now that Yuuko wasn’t the only nervous one, she managed to get her senses together somewhat. Played it cool, alright, Yuuko’s cocky personality spoke up despite the sweat on her face making it look like she was caked in Vaseline. Let’s hope Mai didn’t notice anything amiss.

“…”

“…”

This got awkward fast.

"..."

Do the cool thing, Yuuko.

“I-is everything all right?” She reached an arm forward, despite Mai very clearly being out of arm’s reach, her stiff legs not having moved a single step. Mai let out a small, pitiful “yeah" as she turned back to Yuuko, but continued to keep her eyes towards the floor. “It’s just… embarrassing…”

Yuuko was confused. Was this another prank? If so, it’s not very funny to play with emotions like that. She internally scoffed, thinking about the one joke that led to all of this nonsense in the first place. What could Mai possibly be embarrassed about? Seemingly nothing ever got to her, yet Yuuko also wanted to be empathetic, or at least not wanting to seem incompetent.

Noticing how Mai’s arms were still clamped over her waist, she took a guess. “A-are you on your period? I have pads in my bag back in the booth.”

“No, it’s not that,” Mai now moved a hand in front of her face, partially out of contemplation, partially out of an attempt to obscure her face.

I never thought of Mai as the type to get embarrassed over anything, Yuuko reiterated in her head. “Then… what is it?”

Mai let out a light sigh before walking over to Yuuko. Yuuko reflexively took a step back only to end up tilting her body forward, her torso not able to join her feet which were now under the sink. Her hands still clamped onto the sink were the only thing preventing her from falling flat on her face. As Mai got close, she began whispering real low.

“I guess I can tell you since you already know.”

“O-ok…” Yuuko still had no idea what she was talking about.

Mai made direct eye contact, causing Yuuko’s heart to stop in her throat.

“Promise not to tell anyone?”

Yuuko felt lightheaded as all the blood rushed to her cheeks, the close contact mesmerizing. “I-I promsise…”

Mai, to Yuuko’s relief (or perhaps disappointment), took a few steps back and let out another exasperated sigh.

“I came in here to stim.”

Yuuko stared blankly, blinking. “You what?”

Mai shut her eyes, clearly worried about what Yuuko might think. “I… I came here to stim.”

Yuuko had her mouth slightly agape, nervous of saying something that might upset her. “I-I’m so sorry Mai, but I don’t know what that means.”

Yuuko could’ve swore she saw Mai roll her eyes before elaborating. “When I have excess energy and stimulation, I need to get rid of it. I do that by… jumping, shaking, or flapping my hands.”

Mai was clearly bashful, yet Yuuko disregarded this fact by eagerly piping in, desperately wanting to make the other girl feel better. “Oh! So like how people work out to burn off energy or anger?”

Mai turned back to Yuuko, eyes somewhat wide. From general sadness, or a shock at Yuuko’s response, she couldn’t tell. Still, Mai offered a slight smile as she nodded. “Yes. That’s a good way of putting it.”

Yuuko scratched the back of her head nervously. “Well… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ask or to disturb you. I’m…” Yuuko looked down, having become the flustered one. “…Happy. Really happy, in fact, that you trust me enough with this information. It means a lot.” She looked up to try and make meaningful eye contact with Mai, who still had that small smile on her face.

“Thank you for understanding,” Mai spoke as she began flapping her arms. “It means a lot to me too.” She paused between sentences. “Most people don’t understand, so I don’t do it in public.” Despite her face settling into its usual stern appearance, she kept her excited, happy motions going.

Yuuko flashed her iconic smile, and put a hand over her heart out of passion. “Well, screw most people, then! You’re doing nothing wrong! This is just who you are, and I like you because of that!”

Mai let out another rare blush quicker than Yuuko could notice and hopped on over to Yuuko. She was unexpectedly swept into a big hug.

“…Thank you,” Mai spoke softly into Yuuko’s shoulder, voice muffled by her uniform.

Yuuko, surging with giddiness at being held by Mai (an extraordinary occurrence), firmly returned the gesture, taking in the soft texture of her clothes and their floral scent. “Anything for my best friend.”

--

Yuuko and Mai returned to the karaoke booth together, Mio and Nano turning to acknowledge them.

“Yuuko, you left so suddenly. Is everything alright?” Nano spoke.

“Oh, yeah, I just had to go to the bathroom really bad.” Ignoring her lie of omission, Yuuko shyly faced Mai. “Your performance was good, by the way. Like… really good. As in 'voice of an angel' good.”

“I know, right?!” Mio agreed.

Once again, Yuuko could not believe her eyes as Mai blushed. “…Thank you, Yuuko.”

Yuuko simply smiled before Mio uttered an "oh," causing her to face her other friend instead.

“Yuuko, I think now is a good time to tell you something!”

Bizarre. “Uhhh... okay, what is it?”

“I’ve been waiting all night to tell you, but couldn’t figure the right time, but since there’s a break now, I think it’s good, yeah?”

“I guess?” Yuuko shrugged. “I mean, I don’t know what you’re planning to tell me, so I can't really say."

Mio rubbed her hands together devilishly, an impish grin manifesting. “Ok, so you remember at the sleepover when we were talking about boys we liked, and I said I had an idea?”

“…Maybe? I think?”

“Well, you’re gonna be excited to hear, but I played matchmaker and decided to set you up on a date!”

Oh.

What?

Huh?!

“…?!” Yuuko’s maw was agape, air leaving her lungs, making an ungodly groaning noise out of mortification.

“Eeeeeeeeehehhhhhhhhhhh… I- you what?!”

“Okay, so get this,” Mio held both her hands in front of her. “I have a childhood friend who used to be my neighbor growing up on the outskirts of Tokisadame; his name’s Ken Yamamoto and he’s super chill and nice. He’s got a good sense of humor, and on top of that, he’s super cool! He rides a motorcycle!”

“Wh… what?”

“Yeah, so, like, basically, I told him you were single, right, and that you hadn’t gone any dates before and were still sort of figuring things out, so he asked for a picture of you, and I showed him, and he thinks you’re really cute! Which, by the way, you are! I know that if you put yourself out there, you’ll have a bunch of boys clamoring to kiss you!” Mio radiated as she spoke, passionate about how much of a catch her friend was.

“M-Mio… I… I can’t go…”

“What?!” Mio straightened her back up in shock, clearly hurt to be denied by her friend. “Yes, you can, you just need to work out a date and time with him! It doesn’t have to be this weekend! I arranged this for you because I wanted to help you out a bit and do something nice!”

“If it was for me, then why didn’t you ask me if it was okay before doing it?!”

“Why isn’t it okay?!”

“I don’t know!” Yuuko yelled, stunning her friend into silence. Mai watched intensively, while Nano tried to make herself seem as small as possible in her seat, clearly not wanting to get involved.

“I… I don’t know. I have no reason not to go. I just… I don’t know. I’m nervous, I guess.”

Mio smiled sadly, understanding and trust showing on her visage. “Yuuko, it’s okay to be nervous. Look, I’m sorry for getting worked up so quickly instead of talking it out.” She sighed a huff of exasperation. “I… wanted to do something nice for you. I don’t know. I thought it would be fun. Just… try and go out with him? Please? He’s a super nice guy, he’s not some of kind of chauvinist or anything like that. He’s kind, respectful, and if things don’t work out, he won’t be upset at all. I promise. If I’m wrong, then you’ll have every right to get mad at me. I’ll let you, I don’t know, slap me or something.”

Yuuko’s shoulders slumped as she spoke somewhat dejectedly. “I… I’m sorry, Mio. You’re right, I should at least try something new. Maybe I’ll finally find a guy who I like.”

“Yuuko, I think Mio’s right,” Nano said. “You’re pretty, you’re funny, and you’re so much fun to hang around! I think even if things don’t work out romantically, maybe you’ll at least make a new friend by the end of it.” She smiled at Yuuko warmly.

“Thanks…” Yuuko muttered, cheeks lighting like ember. She started messing with her hands, bouncing the soles of her feet, not really sure what to do in this moment.

“Look, I think we’re all pretty tired,” Mio started, “so I think we should head out. Yuuko, I can text you his contact info when we’re riding the train home.”

“Mmm, ok…” Yuuko murmured, still anxious despite her friends’ motivation.

They all turned around to leave.

“Mai, could you please move?” Mio said, as Mai had been standing directly in front of the door for several minutes now, now sidling out of the way for her blue-haired friend to lead the way. All the while, she didn’t say a word.

They had gotten on the train, only doing a bit of small talk here and there about school, the weather, and such.

When they had gotten on the train and taken their seats, Yuuko’s phone buzzed with a Line message from Mio, consisting solely of “Ken Yamamoto” and his ID. Yuuko glanced across the aisle to see Mio’s grin, along with Mai sitting next to her, lost in a book as always.

Yuuko’s stop was last this time, so she stepped off onto the platform alone. She started walking her usual route, before deciding that she was hungry enough to warrant getting a snack.

There was a hole-in-the-wall bodega she had never been to around the block. It was close enough that it warranted her trying someplace new. However, she started to have second thoughts once she stepped in, as she was immediately blasted by cigarette smoke and started coughing. The source was from a bored looking cashier who didn’t even acknowledge her as she walked in.

Feeling somewhat uncomfortable, she went to the chips section and just grabbed the first thing she saw, moving past the biggest alcohol display she’d ever seen. Returning to the front, she placed them on the counter, which was inexplicably taller than her; the cashier was standing on a platform at least ten centimeters above the ground Yuuko was standing on.

“That’ll be ¥525.”

Yuuko reached into her tote bag to find her wallet, but was instead greeted by a surprise:

It was a drawing from Mai.

This time it wasn’t a comic, but instead, an impressively detailed pencil sketch depicting a Maitreya Buddha statue, facing forward. While Mai and her family were devout Buddhists, she doubted it embodied any sort of religious meaning. Instead, it was probably just an attempt to mess with her. That being said, it was beautifully done; she felt the Buddha staring through her soul, accurately capturing the ethereality of Mai's carved statues. The only other item on the piece of paper was what she presumed to be the piece's title: Meet 7

Very cryptic, Yuuko thought. Maybe it’s like… part of a series? Yuuko didn’t know much about art. She liked to think her art was decent enough for someone who never took any art lessons outside of what was required when she was younger. I can draw hands at the very least! I like my silly little drawings!

“Ma’am?”

Yuuko started clenching the paper, almost crinkling it up into a ball before realizing what she was doing. “Oh, sorry, I, uh, got an important text on my phone!” She quickly stuffed the artwork back into bag, exchanging it  for her wallet, wherein she fished out an equally crumpled ¥1000 bill, Noguchi’s strange, curly hair looking even more wild than it normally does.

Briskly handing the banknote over, Yuuko looked at the ground, embarrassed, waiting for her change. As she did, she listened to the radio playing.

Fell in love with a girl
I fell in love once and almost completely
She's in love with the world
But sometimes, these feelings can be so misleading

“Here’s your change.”

“Ah, t-thank you!” a shaken-up Yuuko let out.

She turns and says, "Are you alright?"
I said, "I must be fine 'cause my heart's still beating"

“H-have a good evening!”

The man let out a non-committal grunt as she quickly skittered towards the door.

"Come and kiss me by the riverside-“

The radio became entirely muffled as she shut the door behind her. That song was catchy, she thought to herself. I’ve never heard it. Too bad I don’t know the name of it. All Yuuko had caught of it was “love”, “girl”, “world”, and a few other words. He sings so fast…

As she walked home, Yuuko realized: it had never struck her to ask Mai why she was so happy that she had to rush to the bathroom to get it all out of her system.

Chapter Text

Waiting on the kitchen table was a brand new, unopened box of pills, still in its little paper bag. On it, written plainly:

AIOI YUUKO

ATOMOXETINE 25 MG

TAKE 1 CAPSULE BY MOUTH DAILY. TAKE WITH FOOD.

QTY: 30

REFILLS REMAINING: 3

The morning sun cast its rays through the trees and past the window glass, hitting the bottle and casting a long, thin shadow that stretched from the table, down a chair, and onto the floor below. Yuuko’s stomach acid churned with breakfast turning into chyme, indicating she followed Dr. Miyamura's instructions well and had, as told, eaten before taking the pill.

She twisted the cap open, put a pill in her hand, and simply felt the smooth texture and the subtle ridge of the split in the middle. A wet pop of an opening, morning breath-ridden jaw, a swish of water, and it was gone.

She did not expect immediate effects – it was the lowest dosage and there was a waiting period of a few weeks before it would even take effect. On top of that, the medication wasn’t even guaranteed to work. Still, she felt her anxieties creeping in again, thinking of all the ways it could backfire on her. A ruined appetite. Nausea or acid reflux. A total stoppage of menstruation. Spontaneous combustion. Wait, maybe not that one.

She returned the bottle to a corner near the sink where her mom kept her arthritis and menopausal hormone replacement therapy medications. Tucked in alongside shadows of an aging future.

Yuuko headed upstairs to get dressed, putting on skinny jeans, high tops, and a local band t-shirt from a show she snuck into that Mai dragged her to her 1^st year. As ready as she’ll ever be.

Except she could already feel her uterine line shedding.

Bemoaning have to wriggle out of the tight pants, she felt like it was a tampon day. She worried her skinny jeans were too skinny and that a heavy flow pad would be visibly lumpy through the denim.

The blood, to her, was a shedding of years past.

Yuuko remembered when she had her first period.

She did not like puberty very much. It made her feel weird. Even though it was experienced by 99% of all humans on the planet, it still made her feel weird. And Yuuko did not like feeling weird.

It wasn’t so much the periods themselves that were bad – whatever kami watched over Mio had cursed her with joint pain fitting that of her grandmother – but rather it was that everything else came at once. The strange feelings about boys, girls, some inexplicable, transcendental gender that was probably what Plato was waxing poetic about two thousand years ago. It was the concept of becoming a young woman, and it was also a reminder of motherhood, which she genuinely wanted at some point. Yet she felt that she, a freak, was never deserving of such a beautiful thing, nor would she ever obtain it.

She considered birth control, but that quickly went out the window her first year of junior high because she kept sporadically forgetting to take them every day. Something quite literally designed to be habit-forming just could not grip her. No video game could she ever get a daily streak going with.*

Hands washed, she headed downstairs and was greeted by Chissan, who rubbed her tail against her legs. She pleasantly scratched the cat’s head as the feline partially stood on hindlegs to meet Yuuko’s hand, her big eyes gleaming at Yuuko's slight smile.

Yuuko peeked around the corner to see her mom sitting on the couch watching television. It thankfully wasn’t one of those variety shows that overstimulated Yuuko with all the constant sound effects, but instead one of those quiet talk panel shows that understimulated Yuuko because she never cared about the people being interviewed.

Why was the first day of the rest of her life getting her so down? Was it a reminder of her differences?

Oh, that homophobic LDP politician was on. Not that that narrowed it down much.  It was a reminder of the present struggle – heterosexuality.

“Mom?”

She reached for the remote to mute the program, but not pause it, leaving Yuuko confused because she knew she’d just rewind anyway. “Yeah?”

“I’m… sort of embarrassed to ask you, but I don’t really know what else to do. Um,” Yuuko stared at the wooden floor, shoulders slumped. “…What do I wear? On my date? Like, I know how to dress, but how formal? How… whatever?”

Her mom’s lips upturned slightly. “Well, how formal is the restaurant?”

Yuuko placed her hand on her own chin awkwardly, foot thumping, trying to think. “Umm… I think it’s somewhat nice, but not too high-end. Enough that it’s covered by my allowance.”

Mrs. Aioi let out a low hum in thought. “Well, as they always say, it’s better to overdress than to underdress. I suggest you wear a nice sundress with a cardigan, or something like that. Something that catches the eye but isn’t too gaudy.”

Yuuko thought about what was in her closet. I really need more dresses, she thought. Most days were spent in graphic tops and pants, leggings, or a skirt. She liked feeling fancy and feminine, too, though, and felt her fashion sense was rather boring, prioritized for comfort. Yet even comfort could look more varied than her usual day-to-day choices.

She snapped her fingers. “Do you think my houmongi would be too formal? Or too flashy?”

Her mom smiled, flashing teeth at her. “Not at all! I love it when you wear kimono. I think you look perfect in them, and his attention would certainly be grabbed.”

Yuuko blushed. “Thanks…” being complimented by her mother always flustered her a bit; it made her feel like a child, but in a good way.

“…Do you think you could help me tie the obi?”

Her mom rolled her eyes. “Kids don’t know how to do anything these days.”

The kimono was snug and surprisingly slim-fitting.  Yuuko stood with a white and pink pattern, an orchid design accentuated with silver lining. Her geta were a light brown hinoki with white thong. She already felt the heat rising to her cheeks with just her mother’s satisfied smile.

“You’ll woo him in no time looking like this!” she winked at her, a smidge smug.

Yuuko pursed her lips in a way her mom took as bashfulness, when really, Yuuko still had mixed feelings on the fact she was going on a date at all. She knew nothing about this guy, and felt stuck in a limbo of not taking it seriously vs. taking it far too seriously. She would’ve been relieved to have had it cancelled, yet she spent days planning what course of action she was going to take. She sat in transience, a moment that felt like it was watershed yet wasn’t significant enough to stir her heart.

It’s gotta be the period.

“I’m off, Mom!” she spoke out of nowhere, only now remembering where she was.

“Have fun!” her mom waved to Yuuko as she sped-walk down the entranceway to put on her geta. Let me know when you’ve arrived and when you’re on your way home!”

Yuuko rolled her eyes. “I will”**

Yuuko had ignored the looks of strangers for the past half hour as she finally arrived at her destination. Mindlessly looking at posts was a great way to distract yourself feeling like a freak, even though no one actually thought such a thing about her. The idea of someone making fun of a teenager for wearing traditional clothing was just so laughably offensive that even the cruelest adults wouldn't entertain such a thought. They probably thought she had a ceremony or something. But rationality only gets you so far when your heart is lying to you.

She did not notice the small red motorcycle pulling into the parking space by the sidewalk.

I dressed you

In her clothes

So drive me

Far

Aw-

The engine turned off as the keys turned, the lights clanking like an announcement of presence. The rider took their helmet off, revealing the face of a lanky high school boy. His skin was beige, more tan than Yuuko’s own, and he flipped back his long, tastefully dyed brown bangs of his shag haircut to reveal deep, full brown eyes that darted around to adjust from having a visor in front of them. They met Yuuko’s.

She let out a quick, small sigh as she broadened her shoulders, not quite sure what to expect. “Yuuko, right?”

She nodded vigorously, feeling strange about hearing her name come out of the mouth of a person she’d never even seen, let alone met.

“Ken Yamamoto, nice to meet you.”

She bowed just enough to look like a drinking bird, embarrassed to be matched with a much smaller bow and a wave.

“I really love your dress!” he spoke enthusiastically. “I wasn’t expecting you to go all out like this. I feel underdressed in comparison.” 

Yuuko lightly blushed and looked to the side. “Thanks…” she scratched behind her ear, speaking for the first time. “I’ve never been to this restaurant, but it seemed kind of nice, and I hadn’t worn this in quite a while…”

Ken’s smile shined, enough to light a room. “I love French food! I’ve been here a couple of times, though it was only with my family.”

While he stood there so proud and amicable, Yuuko looked at her geta and started picking at the hangnail on her left index finger. She wanted to stare at the bricks on the ground in the hope that she’d psychically manifest a sinkhole to kill them all.

“Um, by the way,” Ken started, “I wanted to thank you and also apologize for Mio’s… insistence.”

That got Yuuko to look up, making a confused noise that sounded like a squawk as she did so.

“Well, you know how pushy she can be. She really wanted me to do this and kept pestering me about it, and I imagine it was the same for you,” she blathered, smirking, suddenly filled with a lighthearted haughtiness. “Mio has no class when it comes to these things!”

This caused Ken to giggle, and Yuuko’s muscles relaxed just a bit. “Yeah, I just wanted to apologize on her behalf, I guess.”

Yuuko, with a softer look than she thought she was ever capable of giving, held her hands in front of her and spoke quietly. “I… I really appreciate that. That’s so nice of you. Um… what can I call you?”

“Just Ken is fine.”

“Ok… Ken,” she giggled. “How many Street Fighter jokes do you get?”

He stroked his chin in thought. “Uhh, not a lot, actually. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten one.”

Yuuko’s social embarrassment senses kicked in. You are trying to talk to someone who does not have the brain of an individual with ADHD. Do NOT make topics about the things you like. Do NOT infodump on him. And please, for the love of all that is holy, try to actually read his expressions this time.

All of these anxieties were slightly allayed when he giggled. “Sorry, it’s just, your face, you looked mortified. You don’t have to be embarrassed! Why are you embarrassed?”

Yuuko’s confidence stopped draining for just a second. “Uh, 'cause usually when I bring up something that no one else knows about they think I’m annoying or stupid…”

Ken rolled his eyes at this. “Well, first off, of course I know what Street Fighter is. Second, you made a simple joke. Why would I get mad at you for that?”

Yuuko flustered, not out of romantic tension but instead out of the sincere vulnerability she felt in this moment. “I… I wonder that all the time, but I never get any closer to finding an answer,” she timidly responded.

Ken’s eyes shined as he reached for her arm. With a light gasp, Yuuko opened hers up, allowing him to interlock with her. “Well, I think that’s ridiculous. I would love to hear you talk about the things you like.”

Permission granted. Killswitch activated.

“O-okay! Yeah, um, well, let’s find a table first, but uh-”

She already started rambling and tripping over her words.

After deciding on what they wanted, Yuuko continued to ramble about herself.

“-and so since we only had each other, me and Mai just went to the arcade all the time, and that’s how the obsession started. I guess I’m still a “casual” because I don’t do any tournament play, but I do play against other people online. Sometimes, though, I stop hyperfixating on it and instead get distracted with other things. Like other genres. Or other stuff entirely. Pet projects. In fact, I’m not really sure what my hobbies are all going to lead to as a career at some point, though I have classes I'm interested in. Also, my counsellors are really trying to push me to consider what college to go to and what degree to pursue, but the truth is that while I’m good at lots of subjects, I’m not really sure which one is good for me, and it kind of scares me. But I’m a very creatively minded person, and so maybe something like a design or communication or something that can get in a lot of fields would be good. Oh, and I also love learning about things that are interesting, so maybe some sort of academic work would be good as I could hone in on subjects that really fascinate me, making history-”

Ken stared at Yuuko like she was the most precious thing in the world. Her stark eyeshadow caught his attention, and the way her hair looked so luscious (due to volume foam) was alluring to him. And the waitress, too, was allured to Yuuko, as she came back for the second time to ask if they were ready to order.

Yuuko hadn’t actually decided between five different menu options, not sure whether to go with something more healthy, or what she really wanted. If she got the latter, maybe she could balance it with a salad, or- no. No, that’s good. I can settle for soup.

As the waitress took their menus, Ken perked up. “So… oh, I’m not interrupting am I?”

“Hm? Ah, no, I was just rambling. I’m… I’m figuring things out is my point.” Her lips pursed in contemplation.

“I’m in the same boat,” he said as he laid his arms behind his head, hitting the headrest. “I work a part-time job at a pizza parlor, but other than that, I don’t really have any aspirations.”

Yuuko nodded by default as if this was the most interesting thing she’d ever heard.

“Uh-huh, it makes me wonder what Mai wants to do. She’s so secretive about everything, though, it’s hard to say. Meanwhile, Mio is so sure about being a mangaka, and-” her eyebrows perked upwards. “Hey, I totally forgot to ask – how did you and Mio meet?”

“Ah,” he perked up at this. “Well, it’s not that glamorous of a story. We grew up in the same neighborhood, our parents became acquainted, and when primary school started, we ended up in the same class and latched on to each other because we already knew of each other’s existence. From there, we just became earnest friends all through junior high.”

Yuuko had a slight flash of disappointment on her face. She expected more than that. But her smile returned when she saw his and how he beamed. He has perfect hair.

Ken laughed at all her jokes. He was genuinely interested in her conversation. He was handsome and hard-working. He was chivalrous yet not stoic.

The moment she tried conjuring sexual thoughts about him to test herself, she felt a twitch at the back of her throat as her jaw clenched.

“Here, I can cover the check.”

Mindless conversation had passed by for well over an hour now. Yuuko ensured her obi was snug as she restlessly played with her chair.

“I know that blind dates are kind of a ridiculous concept… oh, I meant to transition into that topic more smoothly.” Ken spoke. “But, uh, I had a lot of fun tonight. Or, I mean, I am having a lot of fun tonight. I-I hope you reciprocate that.”

Yuuko let out a non-committal, committal noise, an “un” to indicate she agreed. “Truthfully,” she spoke with a blush and an unusual dearth of her typical rancor, “I was kind of forced to come to this.”

“But- I’m glad I did!” she backpedaled, without realizing he was chuckling pleasantly at this comment. “What I mean is that, um, I’m glad you took a chance on a girl as plain as me.”

Ken looked incredulous. “Plain?” he scoffed. “You are an incredibly interesting person, Yuuko! I mean, you have so many interests, and hobbies on top of hobbies, and so many cool stories to tell – I’m the boring one here. I’m pretty one dimensional, just content with my boring student life. I don’t really have any aspirations.”

“Well, to be fair, I don’t really either, like I mentioned…” she pouted. “Like I said, our guidance counsellor keeps trying to push me to decide on a career path or a college or something, but I can’t come up with anything.” She looks bashfully to the side. “I say somewhat jokingly I want to become a ‘national icon’, but saying that out loud to another person sounds stupid…”

“I don’t think it’s stupid at all,” he spoke tenderly. “I think you could really do it.” He turned inquisitive, asking, “But wouldn’t fame be bad? Or, after a certain point, at least.”

Yuuko looked up at him with starry eyes and nodded. “Oh, definitely, and it’s not the actual fame and wealth I want so much as it is the, um, feeling that I’ve done something with my life.” Yuuko paled as she pondered what that actually meant.

They both got out of their seats to walk out of the restaurant. They were met with street lights that shone like lighthouses; they were the only ones to be found.

“What do you mean by that?” he cocked his head to the side.

“Um…” Yuuko’s eyes met pavement. “I mean, I don’t know… I have all of these side projects, all of these… things I do, yet it never feels like enough, even for the stuff I actually manage to complete or the new skills I pick up. I feel like some level of recognition would show that I’ve actually contributed something worthwhile to the human condition.”

Ken ruffled his own hair. She wondered if that meant he was annoyed. “You’re a pretty introspective person, aren’t you?”

She did a double take. “Really?”

“Yeah, but that’s the thing – I don’t think you realize it.” He stopped to turn to her, her eyes big and lustrous and filled with a galaxy of possibilities. “I think you’re already doing a life that is helping others. You’re helping yourself, for one, by just… living.” He put his hands into his pockets. “Learning things for your own sake is its own value. But more importantly,” he stood closer, “I think the true value of life comes from impacting other people’s lives in general.” He smiled. “And I can tell you’ve already done that.”

Yuuko blushed all over, an icon of crimson and embarrassment. “You really think so?”

“Yeah,” he grinned. “I mean, think about your friend, Mai. You talk about her so much. I’m sure she’s so happy you’re her friend.”

Yuuko blanched.

“Her life is definitely better off with you in it.”

How… much did I talk about Mai in the past hour?

She manually recounted all of the instances.

Mai’s comics.

Mai’s pranks.

Mai’s initial meeting.

Mai’s time in America.

Mai’s Buddhism.

Mai’s skill at seemingly everything she touches.

“Ah, I’m sorry,” he put his hands up in the air suddenly, in a waving motion. “I didn’t mean to make you, um, nervous or upset or anything like that.”

“Oh, oh no,” Yuuko quickly jerked her head up making it even more clear something was wrong. “It’s fine, I was just lost in thought. I, um, really appreciate… everything you said. Seriously.”

Ken smiled. “Is it alright if I hug you?”

Wow, Yuuko thought. Very kind, but very forward. She froze up entirely, yet her mouth moved automatically. “Sure.”

He hugged her, but it took a thousand tons of strength to hug him back. She was not used to physical contact like this – very American. Exclusively reserved for Mio, Nano, and especially Hakase. Or her cat. Mai would get overstimulated if she hugged her, she thought. She really wanted to hug Mai.

As he backed up, there was a demure sympathy in his eyes. She stared into it, getting lost, before his eyes were back to his usual spark.

“Hey, um…” all of a sudden it was his turn to be nervous. “I’m really having a fun night, and I’d still like to hang out a bit more…”

Oh, shit, Yuuko thought. He better not be trying to bed me on the first date.

“I… I have a surprise for you, I think might be fun. If you’re interested.” His words had a mischievous slant to it. Yet his face remained nervous and flushed. Yuuko’s eyes were half lidded in confusion, half in irritation at what she thought was going to be some chauvinist play.

Even though she had no reason to think anyone as nice as Ken would do that.

This was just one of many instances where she kept getting reminded it was a date and not a casual hangout session.

She hated that.

As they walked towards Ken’s bike, he approached the ice box affixed to the rear end of the vehicle. After undoing a few latches, he opened it up, and on top of a stack of bottles were two jewels.

80 proof.

“YOU BROUGHT LIQUOR?!” Yuuko yelled.

“Hey, keep your voice down!” Ken hushed, eyes widened in panic. “This is illegal, y’know?”

Yuuko swore mentally, her feet shuffling as if on a bed of coals. “But… but why…”

Ken brushed his bangs out of his face, flustered. “Ok, look, admittedly, I just really wanted to impress you. Everyone thinks I’m ‘cool,’ but I don’t really think so. I asked my brother in college to buy some for me, and he obliged. Really, I… I just wanted to impress you.”

Yuuko’s face contorted into a visage of confusion and a drop of disgust.

“So, to be clear, this isn’t a ploy to get me drunk and have your way with me?”

Ken nearly dropped the cooler. “What?! No! That’s terrible! That’s heinous! That’d be manipulation!”

“Ok, ok,” Yuuko said unamusedly, putting her hands up. “Just making sure, I guess.” Even though I have no reason to suspect such a thing.

Yuuko had already tried a couple of times to sneak liquor from her parents’ cabinet, but her nerves got the better of her. The one time the trio wanted to be naughty, Mio had vowed to bring it, but she accidentally brought vinegar instead. The night after, Yuuko just went into the fridge and stole a can of her dad’s beer, drinking it in one go lest she be caught. It was perfectly fine.

In hindsight, her parents probably saw the can in the recycling and knew it was her. Either they did not care, or they’re clueless.

…Ok, fuck it. “Alright, hand one over.”

“Besides, I would never want to hurt someone as lovely as you…”

Yuuko merely quirked an eyebrow up at that, screwing open the bottle, breaking the seal, and taking a sniff.

It made her gag.

“Sorry, sorry!” Ken awkwardly smiled. “That was such a pathetic line!”

“No, no,” she spoke on the verge of coughing. “It’s just… shit, what do they put in here? What is this stuff?”

Before Ken could answer, he saw another patron walking out of the restaurant. “We should probably go somewhere else,” he spoke quietly.

Yuuko paused before answering. ”There’s a park a few blocks down, do you know it?”

He nodded.

“Let’s just go there,” she spoke matter of factly.

Ken left his bike behind, explaining he didn’t want to ditch her, any parking ticket be damned. She did genuinely appreciate this both as a date and as a woman, though “abandoning your date” seems like a pretty clear-cut thing not to do.

They walked in relative silence, mainly talking about the weather. Yuuko swore she felt a sinus headache coming on, usually indicating rain was coming, but the sky was perfectly clear. She speculated that her thinking had gotten so intense it was putting physical pressure on her head.

She thought back to the time Mio brought vinegar. Why did she want to drink, anyway? She didn’t know what it was like. The alcohol was guaranteed to taste terrible, as, knowing Mio, she would have gone immediately for the strongest or biggest bottle there was. Is being drunk even that fun? She figured it was like tobacco where you just get offered it or try it out of curiosity. If you're lucky, you aren't hooked for the rest of you life. Additionally, she finally understood why depression breeds alcoholism – thinking is too hard. Let the booze do it for you.

As they sat down at the bench, Ken undid the chest again. There was a total absence of people, but a kingfisher napped on the bank of the pond in the distance, illuminated by a pathlight. She imagined how cute kingfisher snores must sound, but was pulled out of her revery by the stench of procession and distillation.

“How about on the count of three we both drink?”

Yuuko blinked a few times and simply nodded. He grinned back at her charismatically, sensing her hesitation. “Again, if you ever want to stop, just tell me.” She wordlessly nodded again.

“One, two, three!”

Yuuko had no idea how to chug anything, so she just took a swig until her cheeks were filled to the brim and swallowed it all at once.

She could practically feel a thousand ulcers cropping up in her throat, burning, a firehose hooked to gasoline raining down on an inferno. Sandpaper grinding down on wood still hot from a CNC. Ash over soot over ashes again, lava crowding out a mountain village.

“Fuck,” was all she managed to say, a voice befitting a 104 year old smoker. She pictured herself alive for World War II, lighting up every day out of a kiseru. Her larynx was cracked, dry, and so brittle it would blow away with the wind.

Ken had the foresight to bring water bottles and immediately handed one to her which she guzzled down like a desert wanderer finding an oasis, or a British man in 1994 finding Oasis.

“I take it it didn’t taste good?” spoke Ken after drinking some water of his own, his throat a little hoarse but noticeably more coherent.

“It’s… it’s terrible,” spoke Yuuko the alien, attempting to speak Japanese with vocal chords that weren’t meant for this language. “I would really like it if you, um, had brought something else.”

Ken just smirked, holding a bottle not quite in Yuuko's focus yet. “Do I have the news for you.”

Lemon vodka. Unopened. Only one bottle. The idea of an indirect kiss never occurred to her. As such, she didn’t hesitate to open it and drink it immediately.

Ken stared in shock at her lack of hesitancy, but in Yuuko’s mind, this was the natural course of action. Drinking more meant speaking and thinking less. Fewer ways she could discover to embarrass herself further in front of this... dreamboat hotshot.

With another chipmunk-cheek sized gulp, Yuuko shivered at the alcohol and the sour of the lemon and was… delighted. A spark went off behind her eyes, a pilot light. Without even speaking, she drank more.

“Woah, save some for me.”

Her lips suckled the neck and popped off with a disgusting amount of saliva, making an obnoxious celebratory yell after she was done. “This is great! This is… amazing!”

Ken beamed at her, lightly nudging her shoulder. Yuuko didn’t even care that the touch made her feel weird.

More mindless chatter later and… wait, why was that the last thing she kind of remembered? Why was everything rotating despite her sitting down? Is keeping steady posture normally this hard?

“Yuuko, I think you’ve officially had too much to drink.”

“NO! No, it’s FINE, I PROMISE… this is JUST, like, my PSYCHE and stuff, right? Like... my fucking... uh… placebo, and shit! Yoshino TOLD ME how most teenagers don’t even GET drunk, they just THINK they are!!! That’s so lame!!! I want to be actually drunk!!! This feels good!!!”

Silence took over after that. A car drove by, P-Model faintly matching her breakdown in the background, coming from a classic alt-rock station Yuuko insisted was the only good station in all of Gunma.

“Ken, listen, buddy, I have to keep it real with you. This was an excellent idea. Maybe the best idea anyone has ever had. That dinner? Good. The food, yeah. And… and our talking, was, like, extra cool and stuff? I don’t even know know what- I- I don’t even- you’re like, cool as hell, dude. You’re like an adult. I just feel like a stupid fucking kid.” She slurred every syllable, yet was still understandable (somewhat).

Ken’s head tilted with a nonplussed smile adorning it. “What do you mean by that?”

“I mean… you drive a bike. You can hold a conversation. You’re put together. And here I am, drinking alcohol for the first time in this family park I went to as a toddler, and you’re trying to suck face. My face. Why me?”

Ken blushed at the mere mention of kissing. “Now, Yuuko, I do really like you, but we don’t have to move fast if you don’t want to-”

She needed to know. Now. What this was. What she was. What she wanted. She needed to feel like an adult in charge of her life for once in her fucking life and not the whims of those above her or her neurons.

Yuuko bumped her forehead against his, then corrected her aim so their lips made contact.

Yuuko had never kissed anyone before, and as such did not know what went into it. She’d only ever seen it in movies, and Mio’s extensive gay male pornography collection (mostly drawn, keyword mostly). So she knew a little tongue was involved, but not really how, or how much, or in what manner. So she just kind of it shoved it all in there uneventfully and then pulled it all out three seconds later.

A pause for Ken's face to light up, and to start nervously jittering. “W-wow, Yuuko. I wasn’t expecting that! Eheh,” Ken spoke bashfully, blushing up a storm.

“Nn,” Yuuko murmured, her mouth upturning indecipherably.

“Wh… was it okay?”

“Uhhhh…. Umm…. Uhhh… yeah, like, I need, uh, another go.”

His face drooped a bit, his hands reaching to Yuuko’s shoulders to stabilize her. “Are you sure? You seem really drunk. I don’t want you doing anything you’ll regret.”

Her patience was running out as frustration mounted. “Shut the hell up and let me do this,” Yuuko growled.

He cowered back in submission. “Ok! Ok! I… I just wanted to be sure,” he said calmly.

She took this as a cue to lunge at his lips, shoving her tongue down his throat. He let out a startled gagging noise in response, moving his tongue frantically, trying to figure out what to do with it. Meanwhile, Yuuko’s flailed about hopelessly, trying to cover every square centimeter she could handle before her muscles got tired and she had to pull back.

“I’ve… never been kissed like that…” Ken spoke, flustered and suddenly shy, not able to meet her eyes.

Yuuko’s vertigo escalated. Taking control of destiny was nauseating. She felt the alcohol primarily in her legs, as another wave of heat and fuzziness scanned her body like a cathode-ray tube television. She shuddered at the sensation, letting out a hiccup. Her mouth was still dry. She had an itch on her back she awkwardly reached back to scratch, only to start tipping over the edge of the bench. Ken grabbed her waist to pull her up to safety, Yuuko interjecting as he did.

Ken’s thoughts were probably confused and a mess, but Yuuko was in peace because she had been deep in thought for the past minute only caring about the important stuff, like what kind of blush Mai used, and which episode of Star Trek was it with the sentient computer? No, not that one; the one that dictated war on the planet via simulation.

“A Taste of Armageddon!”

“What?

Yuuko blinked. She thought speaking aloud by accident was a cartoon thing. Well, never matter. She could play this blunder off easily.

“Say, do you know why benches are designed the way they are?” Redirection successful.

“Wh… what?”

“Like, not that they’re made of wood, but why are they made of planks? Why not just have one solid plank of wood instead of a bunch of little ones?” She giggled at her own thought.

She remembered who she was and what she was doing and where she was and felt panic seep into her grin.

“I mean… wow! What a crazy thought to have after kissing someone! For the first time! In my life!” She couldn’t stop giggling. “That sure was… it was a kiss!”

“Yeah…” he smiled disconcertedly. “I… thought it was pretty alright… although I’m surprised how aggressive you are when you’re drunk.”

“You know I’m not like this,” Yuuko slurred, “I’m, like, far more gentle. And such. Despite my... Evanescence personality.”

“You mean effervescent.”

“Shut up, you bastard.” she touted in a mock-Yakuza voice before beaming. “See, I couldn’t do that if I was sober!” she keeled over again. “Wow! And… and my tongue! It went down your throat!”

Ken blushed. “It… sure did…” he shook his head and started rubbing his arm in irritation. “Do… do you wanna talk about what just happened?”

Yuuko tilted her head before realizing that was a very bad idea for her balance and corrected herself like a pendulum swinging the other way. “I thought we were?”

“No, but, like, how we’re feeling. How that kiss was. Was it good?”

I felt nothing.

“I mean… I have no frame of reference. Are kisses supposed to shoot sparks through you like in the movies?”

“I mean… it kind of depends what you mean? And the context?”

“’Cause, like, one time Mai and I watched a romcom, oh and Mio was there too, and, like, they made kissing seem so addictive. Like they couldn’t stop doing it. I don’t know, is that reality?”

“Well, I mean, there’s a big difference between a casual kiss and one that’s very serious that you do with someone who you love-”

“Ok, ok, yeah, whatever, sure I got it. I need you test something.”

Ken blinked rapidly. “…Uh, sure, what is it?”

What am I doing?

“I need you to touch my boobs.”

Cue him coughing, sputtering, clenching his fists as he curled into himself, shrinking into a ball on the bench. “You what?!” he managed to groan out.

Yuuko simply shrugged and rolled her eyes. “I… I need to see how this feels. I. I need to test this. For my peace of mind.”

Ken straightened up, putting his hands in front of him. “Look, Yuuko, you’re drunk, and I don’t want to… violate you, or take advantage of you… you’re not thinking straight…”

This fucking guy. Yuuko stumbled as she tried to stand up, but when she did, she just felt the immediate urge to sit back down again. Still, she stood, rocking like a metronome.

“You don’t know what the hell I want,” Yuuko spoke softly but with venom. Her quiet spittle covered his jeans, her tongue lashing as her knuckles flexed in stress, digging her feet into the ground. I never do this. This isn’t like me. “You’ve barely known me a day, you can’t tell me what I want! Now do you want me to go home with regrets, or are you going to squeeze my fucking tits?!”

Ken looked like he was observing a beast. Confusion darted his eyes, squinting with caution and fear but also curiosity and a very human sort of desperation. Wordlessly, he stood up, took a step forward, and looked down at Yuuko’s modest chest. He started shakily reaching for it, while she shifted uncomfortably in her outfit. His claws protruded and reached out.

Contact was made. Yuuko squeaked. He merely stared and blushed.

She looked aside, all anger dissipated. “Don’t do nothing with them,” she said as she averted her eyes. Waving her arms in the air, she spoke. “Move! Squeeze them harder! Do what you’ve always wanted to do! Or whatever boys want!”

Ken, still unsure, obliged and nodded his head, and began lightly but firmly fondling her, his ministrations digging through her bra.

Yuuko reflected on her life up until this point. She had survived all of high school up to this point by being the hyperactive genki girl with zero interest in anything other than her hobbies and jokes. No boys, no puberty, no stressing about why she was a failure in academics and extracurriculars because she just figured she was always meant to be a fuckup by Izanagi and Izanami. Just her and video games and manga and movies and shows and good food… petting Sakamoto, and also Hakase when she insisted on it.

Her life was not ordinary by any means, but it was ordinary in the sense that she did not have to think about it. She had no fear of growing up, or any anxiety of the future like Mio did. Mio, a hormonal, boy-crazy mess, who spent her hours at home doing God knows what alone in her bedroom besides drawing and- oh, man she didn’t want to picture that even if she knew it was true.

Now, with a boy’s hand pressed against her left breast, she felt like, for the first time in her life, she somewhat resembled an adult. She was taking medication. She was worrying about her studies and maybe even her future. And for once in her life, she was actually thinking about sex, hormones, her body, men, women, alcohol…

She for once cared about improving her image beyond just what it might take to make a single friend. She realized for the first time in her life that, in her opinion, she looked pathetic. She seemed pathetic. Doing this, even if it meant she was “getting some”? It was pathetic.

She thought about what the other girls would say. The selamat pagi girl is trying to determine whether she’s capable of love and free will by trying to force this objectively hotter, nicer man to fondle her in a public park. Was this what loss of innocence was? Not learning about what sex or death is, but learning that, to the rest of society, you were an outcast? A thing she had always known, yet never processed the true implications of beyond what it meant for her social circle? It wasn’t about popularity at this point, but rather how to function as a part of society.

Try making a pun out of that. Maybe there’s a Ranma chapter she can compare this to.

She shoves his hand away, and he pulls back eagerly as her hot, salty tears hit his fingers.

“I.. I can’t…”

Ken waits, hands tucked in his pockets.

She hugs him, and he hugs her back.

“I’m… I’m sorry… I’m a failure…”

“You’re not a failure…” Ken spoke.

“No, I am! I’m… forcing you to do this because I can’t make up my mind…”

“Make up your mind about what?” She hated how genuinely sympathetic he was in his tone of voice. “We don't have to talk about it, but I think it would be better if we did.” She knew he was right.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing at this point in my life! What I’m supposed to be feeling! Or doing with guys! What I’m supposed to care about besides… video games, and bumping grades up with prescription pills, or-”

“Mai?”

Her wracking became silent and stony aside from a few hiccups. Mai. Why did Mai feel so pivotal to her life?

She thought about if Mai was the one touching her breasts.

“I… why do you say that?”

“I’m trying to remind you that there are people who genuinely care about you, Yuuko. Your parents. Mio. Mai.”

“But-but why mention Mai first?”

He shrugged. “Because you’ve been talking about her a lot?”

She frowned. “Why do you think I’ve been talking about her so much?”

He started to speak before she interrupted, “That’s not rhetorical.”

“I-I know. Um… well, she means a lot to you. She’s like a sister or something.”

What if Mai grabbed hard.

“Is it normal for a girl to compare her date to her sister?”

“I… I suppose not, no.”

A light clicked on in his brain.

“You… you’re sexually confused, huh?”

Yuuko knew it was over. Never mind before. This was when her innocence was shattered.

I am about to commit original sin.

“Ken. Look. I need you to tell me what you think I’m going through because I literally can’t decide what it is and I’m in denial of all the options. I’m freaking the hell out right now.”

Ken just smiled. “It all makes sense.”

“WHAT ALL MAKES SENSE!” she flailed her arms rapidly.

His smile beamed. “Isn’t it obvious? I think you’re in love with Mai Minakami.”

It was at this moment that Yuuko realized that part of the conversation occurred exclusively in her head. No light had ever clicked on in his brain. Just hers.

Yuuko fell onto her knees, hard, grass stains bound to burden her kimono.

“I’m…” she cracked out. “I’m a dyke.”

Ken wasn’t sure he heard correctly. “Huh?”

Yuuko turned around, tears pouring down, a sad smile both on her face and reflected in her pupils. Hope and fear dashed her features. “Isn’t it obvious? I’m in love with Mai Minakami.”

Ken finally sagged back down onto the bench, deep in thought. He let out a puff of air. “Right. Of course. Well. This all makes sense now.”

Yuuko looked down sadly at the grass, wet not with dew but with tears.

“You... you know, two women can be in a happy relationship, yeah?”

Yuuko glanced curtly at him. “Of course I know that.”

“Right, right.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets again, kicking his legs out. He stared at the pond, kingfisher absent. “So… um… you’re a lesbian.”

She already called herself a dyke out of self-loathing, but only now did it sink into her that the label was true. Was that why lingerie ads made her feel that way?

It hit her. She started trembling out of nervousness and the ridiculousness of the situation.

“Yeah. Yeah, Ken,” she smiled. “I guess I am.”

Her hands clutched her stomach as if in pain while she belly laughed. Maybe she was.

Ken laughed with her, and, not sure what to do, hesitantly opened his arms and was met with the brunt of Yuuko’s weight pounding into his ribcage as she wrapped her arms desperately around his torso, clawing at his cotton button-up. Her head rested on his shoulder, smelling like fresh linen and now mucus.

He returns the embrace.

Sobs dying out, Yuuko spoke.

“Yeah. I’m in love with my best friend,”

I want to kiss Mai. I want to… do unspeakable things with Mai. Not just her, but women. Oh my God, I like women.

Ken just nodded. “It’s ok. I’m here for you.”

Yuuko, seemingly sobered up (but not really), just looked at him with a sense of bittersweetness. “I’m sorry you went out with a lesbian.” She scratched her head, ruffling it wildly. “You must be disappointed, huh?”

Ken just chuckled. “Yeah, I mean, this wasn’t what I was expecting, but, you know, plenty of fish, and all of that…” He cleared his throat a little and ruffled his own hair a bit. “But… this night was still… eventful. Entertaining.” He looked proud. “I’d even say it was fun.”

“At the very least, it was a learning experience,” she said, eyes still glassy.

“Oh, totally!” he stopped hugging her to stand upright.  “I mean… I know how to read body language better, I think.” His smile fades. “I’ve also learned not to bring alcohol to impress a girl again.”

She laughed so hard at this she collapsed down on the grass again. It wasn’t even that funny. “Yeah… yeah, I’d say that’s a good idea,” her glossy pupils shone at him.

Ken just smiled before his tone perked up. “Um, I’m going to call a cab for you, if that’s alright.”

Yuuko felt relief wash over her. “Yes, um… yes, that would be a good idea.”

He helped her stand up, but she still wobbled. As he used his phone, Yuuko felt depth perception slipping away from her. They stood in silence and waited for the cab for three minutes at which point she felt like she was in quicksand. She had taken her geta off a long time ago.

“We’ll definitely talk again,” she said as she fumbled into the backseat. “Under better circumstances.” She smiled sweetly.

“Let me know how it goes with Mai,” he spoke.

A wave of depression hit her as she remembered Mai was straight, and there was nothing she could do about that. Even if she did try and ask her out, she would still have to learn how to ask someone out.

“I’ll… keep you posted, for sure.” He didn’t take offense at seeing her smile die as he knew the reason. He could see it in her eyes. Hands in his pockets yet again, he walked back where they came from to obtain his bike. Yuuko floundered and eventually got the cab door to close, and before she knew it, she was back home, sloppily climbing the steps to her bedroom.

She was in bed, in her kimono, and just threw it all off. She was too hot. Naked, tired, sad, relieved, and feeling a million other emotions, Yuuko let sleep consume her.

Until she was woken by an alarm in her stomach.

Her real alarm said 11:00am, and it was only now she saw her mom’s missed calls and texts from the night prior. She supposed she heard her come home safely, so nothing since then.

Oh. Right. Nausea.

She clambered to the toilet by body slamming the door open like a cop, and vomited straight into the toilet, no care for what got on the lid. And it just wouldn’t stop after that.

Her mom, alarmed, rushed upstairs and immediately knew the whole story. She knew it the moment she heard her daughter's awkward gait the night prior, mumbling and slurring to herself.

“GOD DAMMIT, YUUKO, DID YOU GET DRUNK WITH A BOY?”

“N-no, Mom!”

“YOU COME HOME LATE, DON’T ANSWER CALLS, YOU’RE PUKING, YOU’RE NAKED, BREAKFAST IS COLD, AND I’M ALREADY THINKING ABOUT LUNCH!”

She knelt down with her daughter. The exhale she let out shook her entire, tiny, middle-aged torso.

“Are you safe? Did he do anything to you? If he did this to you, I swear-”

“No, Mom,” Yuuko spoke, throat entirely dry and shrunken. “I… he brought booze. I drank. He tried stopping me from drinking more, but I did.”

She sighed, growl dying from her lips. “I guess it’s better you learn this lesson now than in college.” Her face somehow got angrier than before. “You teenagers are all such idiots.”

Yuuko got furious. “You were a teenager too, yeah?!”

“That’s how I know! They’re all idiots!” Her mom was angrily untying and throwing down her morning robe, presumably just so she could have something to throw out of anger.

“How would you feel if your daughter was a fucking lez?!”

Yuuko watched in real time as her mom’s face shifted in slow motion to what she could only describe as “haunted carte blanche”.

She patted Yuuko’s back, accidentally making her cough. She instinctively pulled back, not wanting to hurt her daughter. At least, not under these circumstances.

“We can talk about that later. Drink some fucking water and eat something.”

Her slippers waddled across the tile as she turned to walk out the door, but just as abruptly turned around. “Your breath reeks of vodka.”

Yuuko, hunched over the toilet bowl never feeling so small and, how should she say, pubescent as she did in this moment, listened to her mom’s feet patter down the stairs.

She imagined Mai being the one to greet her first thing in the morning instead, and grew the goofiest, most lovestruck grin in the world.

*She would never forget a pill for the next six months of her life, until one day she got distracted by morning news and only realized she forgot it when her entire body heated up in English class from withdrawal and hyperactivity, coming alongside a hunger that was so strong she could eat Mai. Spontaneous combustion indeed.

**She would forget both times, the former only accomplished after a reminder from her mom and the latter after never.

Chapter Text

After brushing her teeth for the third time and wiping her face with a cloth, Yuuko headed back to her room and pounced on the bed, heart beating fast.

Ok, Yuuko, she thought. You’re a lesbian. This isn’t so much of a realization as much as it is acceptance. You find women pretty. You want to date women. You’ve felt more feelings in the past hour than you have over any man ever. You were forcing yourself to pretend to like men to fit in. The idea of dating women excites you, and the fact that you can date and spend the rest of my life with another women fills your stomach with joy and nerves. The idea of becoming a mother with another woman is such a pleasing and set idea that it makes you want to cry.

And to top it all off, you're in love with my best friend.

Yuuko’s ears began ringing; her vision turning to television static. Her chest pounded as she began to have a panic attack.

…Holy shit, I’m a lesbian.

Yuuko felt her eyes watering up; the pleasant sensations that came with daydreaming contrasted by the anxiety churning her stomach (and acid reflux). The hot blush on her face cancelled out by the salty teardrops that threatened to run down her skin. The coldness of the world around her contrasted by the warmth of hope of an eventual embrace.

Mai’s embrace.

I… think I’ve known for years, Yuuko thought to herself. The signs, the memories, the feelings – they all were starting to come back. Things she had forgotten about or dismissed as unimportant now swarmed her neurons; fire ants biting into her gray matter. The time a girl held her hand without thinking about it. The many times she just couldn’t look away from a beautiful woman for whatever reason. The simple feeling of being lost and confused and never understanding her peers' romantic lives. While her realization may have been a point of catharsis and acceptance, it wasn’t a flick of a switch. It was more like a microwave timer slowly counting down, and this was the loud beeping that let her know she could finally see what was inside of her mind.

How did I not realize this sooner? She thought. I mean, I’ve been fantasizing about Mai for a year straight.

The tears had stopped, replaced by exhaustion and frustration.

So now what?

She hadn’t really thought of it before. Love. In love. Not a crush, not “like like”, not “I’m into you.” It was love.

I’m… in love… with Mai Minakami.

She didn’t have to go through a whole complicated process of accepting it like she had with the fact she was into women. The moment she accepted she was gay, she knew what she felt for her friend was love. The label was a lost puzzle piece, and her feelings for Mai were the key.

Yuuko felt her tear ducts acting up once more; out of happiness or fear, she didn’t know. I want to hold Mai. I want to kiss Mai.

Her face blushed. She couldn't even picture the simplest things without overheating from embarrassment.

I want to bathe in her presence. The way she makes me feel is indescribable. She lifts me up. She makes me a better person. I live every day to see her smile; I’m happy when she’s happy, and on top of all of that she’s cute and pretty and actually I’d go ahead and even say she’s hot because she has that cool appearance she sometimes gives off, and she’s quiet and brooding, but she’s also smart and sweet, and seeing that kind of woman picking me up in her arms, carrying me like a princess, emitting that faint laughter of hers she so rarely graces my presence with-

Yuuko slammed her face against her pillow and spoke. “I hate myself.” Out of all of the times to develop, nay, realize her feelings for Mai, it had to be now. After the most stressful month of her life, and her ADHD medicine wasn’t even working yet.

Yuuko didn’t know what to do except just remain astonished.

And on top of that, she’s not into women.

Yuuko’s fist tightened, veins bulging in stress.

I’m not going to make it through this year, am I?

Yuuko was infamously bad with secrets. She hated not knowing things, for one. On top of that, she had the worst impulse control in the world. How in the name of God could she possibly stay closeted longer than a month?

She got out of bed and started pacing, readjusting her clothes and hair, taking several deep breaths. It was in times like this she really did wish she was a frill-necked lizard.

She began thinking out loud, throwing any concern about being overheard out the window now that her mother knew. She thought straighter (heh) when she talked to herself.

“Ok, strategies to stay closeted. For starters, they already know that I’ve never had a crush on anyone prior to this, at least to the extent of their knowledge, yet they also know that it’s not normal, actually, to feel 0% attraction to any boy ever to have ever existed if you’re a totally-super-straight woman. And on top of that, you are a few articles of clothing away from being a stereotype.” She glanced towards the direction of her closet.

What made keeping secrets so hard for Yuuko was how titillating they always were. She kept them bottled up with no release. If Mio had never confessed she drew yaoi manga after the incident with the police officer, Yuuko would’ve probably told the whole school just to get that energy out of her. Channeling that pent-up vibe into something was crucial to allowing her to keep her mouth shut.

She snapped her fingers, a glint in her eyes. “That’s it.”

Her stomach growled and her head doubled over in pain. It would have to wait.

Practically falling down the stairs, Yuuko was greeted by the smell of fried eggs and tonkatsu. Lots and lots of tonkatsu, with soy sauce and what she suspected to be a pinch of garlic. Her salivating was so bad that Chissan stared at her quizzically and chirped.

Her mom immediately handed her a plate and spoke. “Before you tell me anything, I want you to eat and take your meds first. Including some pain meds.” The pill bottles were unceremoniously flopped onto the table after saying that.

After Yuuko ate her breakfast in record time, her mom, cleaning up the kitchen, broke the silence.

“Greasy foods help hangovers.”

“How did you discover that?”

“The same way everyone else does. Have a hangover in college and eat the first thing you’re hungry for. It’s always greasy and salty food.”

Yuuko swallowed what was now her second dose of medication. This week would be the tell if it was working or not.

“Anyways, we can’t keep avoiding this. What happened last night?”

Yuuko found the wooden table to be particularly captivating right now, yet spoke anyway.

“Date went fine. He brought booze. I got drunk.”

“I really have trouble believing the date went fine if that’s the state you returned in.”

“But it’s true!” Yuuko looked up with watery, crystal eyes. “It was going fine! I mean, the date itself, at least. As for what I was going through internally… well…”

Her mom simply waited, knowing her daughter well enough that she would speak eventually.

“I… I don’t know. It just felt off. I wasn’t as captivated as I thought I should be. Or, rather, my mind kept drifting, y’know.”

“No, I don’t know.”

“Well it did!” she flailed her arms. “I… just kept thinking about… Stupid Mai, alright?!”

“You don’t fall in love with a girl who’s stupid.”

“She’s an idiot because she exists!” Yuuko gnashed her teeth. “She makes me feel all these things! These things that no teenage girl should ever feel!”

“What, love?”

“No! I mean, yes! Or like! Not that kind of love! Argh!”

She sunk into her chair in defeat.

“Mom… I finally realized why I never cared much for boys.”

Without giving away a single hint of emotion, her mom simply replied, “I think we all saw this coming.”

…

“We did?”

“Well, not necessarily that you were a lesbian, no. Truthfully, I thought the ADHD was the final shoe to drop. But ever since you were, oh, I wanna say 8 years old, I gave up on expecting a normal child.”

Yuuko had no idea what to feel at that, so her body just petrified. “Do you hate me?”

Her mom just rolled her eyes. “Good grief, Yuuko, you are our only child. We could never hate you.”

“And why am I your only child?”

“That’s between your father and I.”

“I really don’t think it is.”

She just waved her dismissively. “You already have enough to worry about.”

“I could also worry about more!” Yuuko stood up out of her seat, in anger or defiance, she was not sure.

Her mom sighed again. “Look. You and Mai have been very close for a very long time.” She was moving to the sink to start washing the dishes, and spoke up over the faucet. It was rather grating on Yuuko’s ear drums. “But I suppose my main worry is just that you are clinging on to the first person you can think of. Maybe this isn’t love. Maybe you really are a lesbian, but you’re just placing that pent up frustration and angst on Mai.”

“I have been having these thoughts about her for almost over a year.”

Her mom looked back at that, sink still running, before resuming the dishes again. “In any case, I want you to think very thoroughly about what you do after this. And whatever may happen, be prepared.”

Dr. Miyamura’s words are much more affirming than this, Yuuko thought to herself. “Alright, fine. I understand.” She didn’t really, feeling more patronized than anything, even if she understood how her mom jumped to those conclusions and her thought process.

“You can talk about this with your dad or Dr. Miyamura later. What are your plans for the rest of the day?”

As unceremonious as ever.

“I’m just gonna go on a walk. Do some homework after that.”

“A walk is a good idea. Take something for your headache before you leave, though.”

“Alright, alright, I will.”

“I’m serious!”

“I know you are!”

“Then why the back talk?”

“It’s not back talk! I’m just a little frustrated!”

“Go get dressed!”

“That’s literally what I’m doing right now!”

Closing the door to her room, Yuuko commenced her plan that had hatched earlier this morning.

A bell rang upon the entrance of another patron.

A man turned his head around to look at the source of the sound before returning to his book and coffee. It took him less than a second before he turned around again, realizing what he’d seen.

Soon every customer in the bookstore had their gazes set on a mysterious figure. Through the back of their baseball cap they had their hair in a ponytail. The dark sunglasses were impenetrable, and the black fabric facemask led others to believe they were sick. The large winter coat at the beginning of April puzzled people, and the oversized sweatpants only further obscured their figure. They were a walking blob of cloth, coolly booking their way to the manga section.

The yuri section.

Sooner or later, people remembered that staring is rude and they returned to their tasks. The figure held a tote bag with a “Nezumi” logo on it, perusing the various sub sections. Two from the doujin section, a comic, and a fanfic. One anthology. One from a series. A good variety of the most popular and successful Girls’ Love series on the Japanese market, hot off the press. The figure began meandering to the front, waddling their way up to the register.

They spoke with a deep voice. “This will be all.”

They lifted the reading material out of the bag alongside a crisp 5000 yen note.

No questions were asked, no words exchanged. The person at the register was a girl presumably of college age, nervously placing the change on the plastic tray before slipping it back to the customer. She took a glance at the clock – 16:50. Ten minutes until her shift was over.

“Thank you,” the entity spoke before shuffling out the door from whence it came.

As it paraded down the sidewalk to head off into the night again, it felt a presence touching its right shoulder.

“Yo!”

The mysterious figure jumped, let out a girly scream, and turned around, seemingly not amused. “Hey, Yuuko, right? It’s me, Yoshino! You know, Mio’s sister? I leave for college again in a few days; classes are online for the first week. Just thought I’d stop by here and buy a novel I need for my class. What are you doing here? Had a good break? What did you buy?”

The figure stood stunned for a moment. “U-um,” the figure cleared their voice before lowering it again. “I do not know who this ‘Yuuko’ you speak of is.”

Yoshino smiled. “Haha, that’s an awesome voice! Are you doing one of those public pranks like they do on television? You and I have a sense of humor in common.” She giggled and pointed to her bag. “Nezumi? There’s only one person I know who has that bag and that hair color, and you wore that cap when you came over for dinner last time.”

“U-um…” the figure’s voice raised again.

“So, what did you buy?”

“I… I, uh…”

“Oh, c’mon, if it’s embarrassing, I won’t tell.”

“I… I… I… I…”

Yuuko took off in full sprint.

“Love that kid,” Yoshino said.

Yuuko tripped at the halfway point.

Back at her house, Yuuko rushed in through the door and went straight to her bedroom, her mom paying no mind. Placing the bag full of books on her bed, she immediately took out the one she was most interested in and started reading.

This lasted for one chapter before she started flipping through the pages and seeing when the girls started doing gay stuff with each other, spoiling herself in the process, simply excited at the fact that the girls end up together and have a happy ending. The whole point of this exercise was to find material that filled a hole in her life. She might as well live vicariously through fiction if she can’t have the real thing.

How are you even supposed to find a girlfriend if you have to stay closeted? Yuuko pondered. She reflected on all of the various ways her life would be ruined if she was outed. All purely hypothetical, of course, and not based in reality.

Whatever. She shrugged it off after skimming through the fifth manga in a row, still several more to go in the bag. Her mom didn’t have to know this was what she spent her allowance on. She decided to take a bath, as she had actually forgotten to that morning.

Walking past Chissan with her third (fourth if you count the disguise?) pair of clothes in a single day, she got undressed, put her old clothes in the bin, and turned on the shower. She filled up the tub, switched the heating system on, and then rotated the knob on herself.

After getting hit by the initial cold splash, the warmth soon washed over her. She simply let her skin soak for a minute before even doing anything, until her mind prompted her.

Am I attractive? She asked herself as she reached over for the bottle of shampoo next to her. I mean, I’m not the worst looking, but… am I attractive? To other girls, at that? She had a tomboyish figure that was skinny yet not twig-like, yet she sometimes felt pudgy. She had decent enough presentation and liked to think her fashion tastes were average (albeit leaning on the casual side). But was her she fine as she was? Did she need to be taller? Shorter? Lose a few pounds? She wasn’t as traditionally feminine as, say, Nano, yet her limbs were still skinny, and her skin didn't have many blemishes. But then again, some girls have preferences...

Her face? She thought she looked fine; no more, no less. Just… fine. She kept her hair short to be as unbothersome as possible although she tended to let it grow out just a bit in the back to be at least a little feminine. Don’t lesbians like short hair, anyways? Wait, no, lesbians aren’t a monolithic identity with universal preferences. I like girls with long hair myself; why am I even questioning that?

Really what she was concerned about was not how attractive she was to other girls, but to another girl, singular. Did Mai seem the type to be into tomboys?

Yuuko wasn’t the most feminine girl, but she wasn’t a yanki either. Oh, God, I can’t imagine Mai with a yanki. Maybe Mai liked cool girls, though. Ones who smoked cigs and drank booze and were fit. Yet she’s so quiet and unassuming, Yuuko thought as she thoroughly scrubbed her hair. Maybe she’s into the girly, cutesy type? Then again, maybe she’d find that annoying… And there was still a factor Yuuko hadn’t even thought about.

Did Mai even like girls in the first place?! No, we just went over she’s straight. Well, ok, maybe not, but she initially didn’t like me. So that would have to change.

No matter how conventionally attractive she was, no matter how rebellious and cool or butch she made herself, no matter her figure, if Mai wasn’t even into girls in the first place, it wouldn’t matter. And besides, Mai knew Yuuko. She’d see through that sort of performance as what it was: insincere attempts at flattery. If Mai wanted Yuuko, she’d have to have Yuuko – take it or leave it. And if she wasn’t willing to have her, then no ruse would be enough to get the girl.

Yuuko turned the shower knob off after rinsing, and lowered herself into the now hot bathtub. She sighed as she sank into the warm, encompassing abyss.

Being a lesbian is too anxiety-inducing sometimes.

After several minutes of trying to think of nothing and failing, she stood up, dried, and began putting on new underwear. Maybe I’m “futch” as they call it, Yuuko pondered, recalling discovering the term just the other day from her various internet escapades. She finished getting dressed and turned out the light. Then again, I do shave my legs. Maybe that disqualifies me. She entered her bedroom and flopped on the bed, prepared to take a nap before dinnertime. The stereotype is lesbians like buff, masculine girls with short hair and tank tops who ride motorcycles and do dangerous stunts. She tried picturing Mai looking like that. …Some things just aren’t meant to be, I guess.

As the next school day started, Yuuko optimistically entered school, not because she expected anything good to happen, but simply because she felt a little better after the weekend. Unraveling a mere sliver of her mental labyrinth put her one step closer to culminating in… something.

This all dissipated once she saw Mio waiting for her.

“Do you mind telling me what it is that Ken says he ‘can’t say’?”

Yuuko merely stood and gawked. “I… what?”

Mio showed off her phone full of messages, although she was too far away for Yuuko to actually read any of them. “Ken told me about your little mishap. Saying it didn’t work out. When I asked why, he refused to tell me.”

This was never a scenario that even occurred in my head. “I mean… yeah, things didn’t work out, but he’s still a really great and funny guy. I don’t regret the date. I figured some stuff out about myself.”

Mio looked even more irritated. “Like what?”

“Like what my type is, I don’t know! Just… stuff.” Yuuko shrugged and flailed her hands, trying to recover from her accidental slip of the truth.

Mio looked darkly back at Yuuko. “You know this implies there is something you would share with a stranger but not me, right?”

Yuuko merely scoffed. “That’s what this is about? Secrets?”

“It’s more than that! You were supposed to get along great! Go on a second date! I… I refuse to believe that this wasn’t just you sabotaging it somehow like you always do with my attempts to get you to try something new.”

“Sabotaging it by not being into him?”

“No, idiot, that’s totally fine! I just refuse to believe you gave him a fair chance at all.  I think you, like… self-sabotaged so you could get out of it.”

“Do you really think I’m that desperate to not date someone?”

“Yes! Because that’s something you would do!”

Yuuko glared venomously. “Mio, you are one of my best friends, but you do not have a right to tell me what I can and can’t feel, what I should or shouldn’t do, who I should or shouldn’t give my time to.”

This was the wrong response, and Yuuko realized this immediately, as in Mio’s eyes, it was basically a confession. “I don’t get you! Why can’t you be normal!”

The bell rang just as Mr. Takasaki started yelling at the two of them, his protests drowned out.

Yuuko pushed her. A weak, lighthearted push, but a way of channeling anger regardless.

Big mistake.

Mio shoved.

Yuuko hit the door and felt her spine hit the door frame. An eraser perched on the doorframe meant for pranking someone else fell on her instead, covering her in chalk.

Yuuko felt two possible emotions well up: fight back, or cry.

Knowing she was being watched by everyone, knowing she had no chance against Mio, she merely started crying, and sank physically and spiritually as she walked over to her desk and sat.

Everyone stared at them. Mio stepped down.

Mai looked up from her notebook for the first time. Nano, likely intended to be the chalk target due to assholes existing, walked in with apologies about a vague “incident” that would not out her as abnormal, when she realized no one was even looking at her.

Yuuko quietly sobbed in her own arms as she laid her head on the desk.

Pleading, looking deep into Mr. Takasaki’s eyes, she spoke.

“Please, just continue the lesson like nothing happened.”

Manabu Takasaki was not good with women in any capacity, and this included dealing with any sort of “cat fight” as his male colleagues liked to call them. To him, this was a crass term. Nonetheless, he found himself confounded, and, not sure what school policy stated in such a situation, as the fight had in fact been broken up, he started up his lecture on Muromachi poetry like nothing ever happened.

This is how it would last until lunchtime.

“Man, I love it whenever the girls have drama,” Tanaka spoke.

“Really?” replied Tsuyoshi. “Why?”

“I mean, it’s just so entertaining. It’s always over some boy or something.”

“I mean, true, that’s what it seems to be in this case… but I mean, guys fight over stuff all the time.”

“Yeah, but, like, that’s over stuff that matters. Like school or video games.”

“What about that time Fujimi got into a fistfight because he thought someone was trying to flirt with his girlfriend?”

“Totally different. That’s manly. You’re using fists and… y’know,” he vaguely punches the air, “manly stuff.”

“Right, but it’s still getting emotional and upset over love.”

“I thought you were an atheist?”

“…Since when does that have to do with anything”

“I don’t know, man, I thought you thought that, like, our brains are chemicals. And shit. And that there’s no free will or whatever.”

“Whether spirits exist and whether free will exists are two wholly unrelated-“

“Whatever man. You’re not seeing the amusement in this scenario that I am.” He smirked confidently. “I bet there’s gonna be a fight after school.”

Tsuyoshi stared blankly back at him. “Says who?”

“Says me!”

“Not trustworthy. You’re wrong about everything.”

“If I’m wrong about this, I'll buy you more styling gel."

“Deal.”

Meanwhile, across the room, Annaka is panicking in excitement, her ears twitching like a dog’s. “OMG you guys! They’re gonna fight each other after school like a bunch of boys!”

“Who says OMG in real life?” said Outa.

Half an hour passes. Rumors spread all over the classroom, into the hallway, all the way onto the roof. Today, after 3pm, there was gonna be a fight. All club activities were implicitly cancelled without an official announcement. Cram school didn’t exist (and really it shouldn’t). Somehow the adults didn’t catch wind of this.

Someone else does, however.

“Um, Annaka?”

“Hey, Nano!” What’s up?”

“You… said there was going to be a fight later, right?”

Her key started spinning. She went out to the vending machine and this is what she comes back to?

“Yeah, yeah, that’s what I heard! Everyone else is saying it now, so, like, it’s basically confirmed.”

“Well, I’m a bit scared… that sounds really dangerous.”

“Ah, it’s probably not going to be that dangerous. I mean, it’s just Mio and Yuuko.”

“It’s-it’s-it’s who?”

Her joints creaked and clanked as she shook, her entire frame shuddering. Her power source buzzed and she could hear it in her inner ear.

“Yeah, I mean, whenever they fight, it gets kind of idiotic… in a fun way, of course!”

Nano simply stared, frowning. This was not an argument over food. This was far more personal and serious.

Rotating her entire frame by pivoting on one heel, she slowly started walking towards the two’s desk area.

“Yuuko-”

“Yo, Yuuko!” shouted an upperclassman from the hallway she didn’t recognize. “Are you gonna kick some ass later today?”

Yuuko quirked her eyebrows at that, still chewing her rice topped with shirasu her mom made for her. “I don’t understand-”

“Now taking bets for the Yuuko-Mio match!” spoke Weboshi, suddenly entering.

“Hey, no fair!” said Tanaka. “Me and Tsuyoshi were taking bets if the fight was even gonna happen or not, and you just come in and ruin the entire gambit?!” Tsuyoshi curled in on himself, wanting to distance himself as far as possible.

Yuuko stood up, looking around the room, seeing no signs of Mio. She gave a quizzical look to Mai, who was taking camcorder footage of birds outside. Mai looked back at her and simply said “She went to the roof.”

Yuuko got up, and walked brusquely yet with trepidation into the hallway. Nano watched, quaking in anxiety, her hands held up to her face as if she’s embarrassed on their behalf. She trails Yuuko, who turns the corner to all of a sudden see Mio walking towards her direction.

“Mio, what is this about-”

“You’re on.” Mio spoke with barely contained aggression.

“I don’t know what you’re-”

“You do NOT get to talk trash about me behind my back and get away with it.”

“I never did that-”

“You wanna fight? Then fine, we can-”

“I don’t want to fucking fight!” Yuuko loudly exclaimed. Mio’s guard lowered, but barely. “I don’t know who started this stupid rumor, but we are not fighting after school! I haven’t said anything about you since our spat this morning.”

Mio’s shoulders lowered.

“We can’t keep doing this, we can’t keep getting into arguments like this; I consider you my best friend yet things keep escalating I just… I can’t tell you what’s going on right now.” Yuuko’s eyes bore into her soul. “I. I can’t. Not yet. Not here.”

Mio crossed her arms. “Keeping secrets is also only going to make things worse.”

“I know, and I’ve barely given you the full story! Things are weird right now.”

In this moment, Yuuko realized for the first time in her life she was talking things over and thinking before acting. Perhaps this was the medication? Or maybe it was just her maturing.

“I don’t understand you. Is this some ADHD thing?”

Ah. There it was. The surge of heat to her entire body, the desire to break open at the seams, to crack open the walls containing them-

“No, it’s not some fucking ADHD thing!”

Mio resumed her initial posture. “I figured, since it was such a big deal, this had to do with ADHD!”

“What would ADHD have to do with dating, or, wait, no, I just. Fucking,” Yuuko let out a scratchy, guttural shout that alerted everyone to her presence. “It’s just too much! Everything! It’s too fucking much! Shit!”

“Calm down and stop being a bitch!”

She could hear her own heartrate and felt her skin itch, her hair felt too hot. Her clothes stuck to her in a way that made her aware of every little feeling in the atmosphere, she needed to leave, she needed to get out of here, she needed to do something.

“You’re the one who’s a bitch you… fuck!”

“I hardly think fighting in the halls is ladylike, girls,” spoke Sasahara, riding by on his goat despite being indoors.

Yuuko and Mio looked back at him, open-mouthed, realizing a crowd had gathered without them even perceiving it. Now, Sasahara was getting off of his goat, and putting his hands on both of their shoulders in a way that made Mio question her past feelings and Yuuko want to vomit inside her own mouth.

“I don’t know about you, Ms. Aioi, but Ms. Naganohara, you seem far too poise for this behavior.”

A few chuckles emanated from the crowd at how horribly untrue that statement is. “But I wanted you to know that-”

Yuuko started laughing before he could finish.

He looked towards her, clearly annoyed.

“If only you knew,” Yuuko spoke with hatred in every single drop of spit that fell from her mouth. “I know so much about her. I could ruin her life right now if I wanted to.”

An escalation provided a way of escape, a way of removing herself from the situation. To stop the itching.

Mio’s face contorted into a mocking visage of pain, grief, anger, and a jester-like grimace.

“In the front, after school. I don’t care who started this, I’m going to finish it.”

Yuuko sighed in relief as Mio walked back to class. Yuuko, seeing everyone’s stunned faces, rammed herself into the crowd trying to get into the background, ignoring the whispers, the lights, the…

Camcorder?

Mai was waiting for her on the other end of the sea of people holding her camcorder, Nano by her side. They walked with her, seemingly able to tell Yuuko was heading towards the restroom.

Yuuko sidled past the other girls that were in there, her friends following, and she just went to the sink, hands shaking, and splashed her face with cold water.

Nano approached her, her hands hovering, not sure how to make the situation better.

“Yuuko? Please don’t fight Mio.”

“…To hell with it. I don’t really have a choice.”

“But you do!” Her arms flailed, her key turned. “You can just… explain everything to her. What you’re feeling.”

“If I can’t do it in front of her, do you really think I can do it in front of the entire damn school?” Yuuko spoke detestably.

Nano deflated, her eyes sadly reflected as tears built up.

Yuuko felt her own eyes starting to mirror Nano’s, so she took a quick yet deep breath and sunk her shoulders.

“I… I’ll tell her I don’t want to fight. It’s a misunderstanding.”

“You were overstimulated,” Mai spoke tenderly. She bowed a little.

Yuuko wanted to cry and run her fingers through the dense foliage of her black hair, taking in her beauty, but instead she just stared with her head titled down a little, feet weighing down on the tile.

“I… I guess so.” She thought of all the moments it would be better to just leave the room rather than digging herself into a deeper hole. This was one such case, but when she thought about Sasahara’s patronizing touch, her insides froze up.

The only two people who understood her were in this room – one had crippling anxiety and problems that outweighed Yuuko’s by a thousand times, and the other one Yuuko was hopelessly in love with.

“I promise, I’ll try stopping things.”

Nano gave her a smile, Mai a thumbs up and another tiny bow. The bell rang indicating lunch was ending. Without saying a word, they all morosely walked back into the classroom, where Yuuko scarfed down what she hadn’t with the three minutes she had left, nearly puking in the process, from anxiety or the food, she wasn’t sure.

Mio was already seated. They didn’t dare look at each other.

Two and a half hours left.

Izumi Sakurai had a habit of reading the air when there was nothing there. It was practically compulsive how often she did it, having formed the habit as young as kindergarten, always trying to ensure no teacher ever got mad at her. Of course, if anything, the anxiety only made things worse, as it made her prone to erratic movements and thoughts spoken that annoyed all those around her.

So now, sensing something wrong in the air, she expected the same response as always: people would just reassure her, and then she would start worrying about something else.

“Kana, don’t you feel there’s… something in the air?” she spoke softly, not wanting to ruin the others’ experience in the office.

Kana Nakamura simply glared. “I am not smoking inside again if that’s what you’re asking.” She was wearing her usual lab coat, stained with God only knows.

“No, I mean… it’s the kids.” Sakurai stood up from her swivel chair, papers clenched in front of her chest as they usually were. “I mean, I was thinking why things felt so weird… and it’s the kids. They’re all so quiet. Well behaved. I have not been asked to see or counsel anyone today.” She started jogging a little in place. “I mean, that’s actually not unusual, but… I’m confident. Something is off.”

Nakamura clicked her tongue. “Well, my kids usually sleep or are just busy disregarding safety precautions. It’s a miracle no one has gone blind yet.” She scrunched her face in thought. “That being said, though, yeah, today was a little quiet.”

“Oh, God…” Immediately, sweating commenced, rivulets spraying off in all directions.

“Have you ever considered antiperspirant for your face? It exists, you know.”

“I’m fine!” she spoke as she waved her arms. “Really, I am!”

Ms. Sakurai could tell something really, really bad was going to happen. She felt that every single day she woke up; it gave her stomach cramps in the morning, but this time it was actually founded on something. Her therapist would agree with her, she knew it: it was an actually warranted sense of panic.

She checked the clock.

15:05

In her sense of panic, she had completely tuned out the sound of the final bell.

Sakurai let out some sort of mix between a yelp and strangled gurgling, tripped in her loafers, got up, put them back on, hit her body against the door frame, and ran out, all with Nakamura looking on with disbelief at her colleague.

Time was running out. Izumi Sakurai knew this. The world was ending. She could feel the heavens watching her, the onus of all creation put on her. In her heart, this was her ultimate test.

She had no idea where to check first, so she decided the roof was a good place to go. It would act as a good observation point.

The sun beat down through the overcast, making her hair glow in a way that would take a man’s breath away. She nearly doubled over from anxiety alone, however, so that didn’t help. A cacophony rivaling Sports Day came from the right, so she meandered over and gripped onto the fencing, trying to peer through the links. There was an utterly massive crowd. Oh, it was seemingly the entire student body. There were even students from other schools, as well as middle schoolers, all presumably friends of actual students, all concentrated around a religious icon. Inside the holy center, were two very noticeable and recognizable figures.

Oh no.

They had all followed Yuuko and Mio out of the classroom like messiahs, and after bustling through the stairs and hallways they found themselves where they start every school day. This time, though, there were just as many students coming in as going out - evidently word had spread further than anticipated.

Yuuko and Mio stood like American cowboys: Mio, a look that could kill a man, Yuuko, an evidently pained soul lied beneath her pupils. They met on the dying grass, a path established long ago, now resembling clay more than dirt after so many years of students' footfalls.

“I don’t want to fight,” she put forward.

“I don’t care,” she responded.

“Mio, please, you gotta understand-”

“No!” she lashed her arm across the air like a sword. “You don’t just get to… say shit and get away with it!”

Yuuko knew she was right, yet…

“You never give me any time to explain myself! No mercy! Ever! You’re selfish!"

“Selfish? You’re the one who talked about ruining my life and wants me to apologize for it!"

“I never said that-”

“Mutually assured destruction,” Mai interrupted with.

It was only now that Yuuko and Mio realized just how vociferous the crowd around them was, their shouting able to overcrowd their whispering. But everyone shut up, waiting to see what Mai would do.

“You have secret info on each other. You can stop or embarrass yourselves.”

With her words in their hearts, they looked back towards each other.

“…Mio, I’ll say it again. There’s a very good reason the date didn’t go according to plan, but I can’t tell you now.”

“Why not?” she spoke with barely restrained anger.

“Because it’s very… personal. And sensitive.”

“Well, you’ve already embarrassed me enough today. I don’t see why you can’t do the same to yourself.”

“It’s not the same and you know it!”

“I literally don’t know, that’s the whole fucking reason we’re here!”

Yuuko felt her anger rising again. Not remembering how to deescalate, or how to leave in a situation like this, she decided to dig deeper.

“Do you think this hasn’t been embarrassing to me too?”

“Sobbing in front of others is usual for you, I have some actual dignity!”

“You don’t have any reputation at all, you manga drawing loser!”

A few lone cheers came from the crowd, excited at the insult match.

“A single miscommunication and a war has started,” Mai spoke.

Nano’s tears broke free. “No, no, no… this can’t be happening! Please stop!”

No heed was paid.

“You’re a nerd who shuts herself in her room playing video games!”

“At least I play them with my friends instead of forcing them to work for me!”

“You’ve always been an idiot! You’ll always be an idiot!”

“And you’ll always be single, you stupid otaku!”

“I’m not the one with a mental illness!”

The crowd erupted into murmurs upon realizing that new info was going to be revealed.

Yuuko stomped her foot repeatedly. “I… I can’t take this! I just! I want to claw out of my skin!”

“She’s panicking,” said Mai.

“Yuuko! Run away!” said Nano, chewing on her fingernails.

Yuuko kept melting down, just shouting for the sake of shouting, grabbing her hair, sobbing.

“Your ADHD isn’t an excuse for everything! You can’t keep being a bitch!”

Yuuko knew she was right, and that’s what made it hurt so much more.

Her feet were pattering pathetically against the concrete like a limping dog. Her whole body quaked at how alone she truly felt, no one else aware of this. Stumbling down the stairs drunkenly, she turned a corner and saw Takasaki looking out the hallway window.

“Ah, shit.” Is all he said. “This is why I don’t get involved with women’s problems.”

She grabbed his hand and started running with him. “I-I need you as support! I can’t do this by myself!” She sounded frightened yet never slowed down, and he hated his heart for fluttering despite the circumstances.

“I-I want to be clear,” he started, “I had nothing to do with this. But- it’s those two, they fought this morning. They said it was over.” They turned the corner. “I thought it was over.”

“You’re helpless, and I mean that affectionately,” she said, toying with his feelings once again. “Next time any sort of incident like that happens, report it to me.”

“Am… am I in trouble?”

“No, you were trying to do the right thing. But this is why we always report things.”

As they went down another flight of stairs the restlessness of the crowd got louder. They crashed into each other turning the corner, but finally they were at the front entrance. The nearing summer heat felt shocking. Even more so was the bloodlust that emanated from the swathes of bodies crowded around the gladiators in the center.

The crowd erupted into murmuring at the news. Mai kept filming with her camcorder.

“Stop filming this! Do something!” Nano demanded.

“I know what I’m doing,” was all Mai said. “This is necessary.”

Nano looked at her like she’d insulted Hakase, but turned quickly around to see Yuuko stand up, point her finger, and raggedly breathe herself back to life only to wreak havoc.

“You’re a fujoshi who spends all of her days drawing gay porn. You have no place to talk.”

The entire crowd burst into laughter.

Mio knew her secret would get out at some point. It was practically an open secret by now. But not like this. Not by her best friend.

Without missing a beat, she punched Yuuko in the face as hard as she could.

The teachers had to ignore the students murmuring to stop the source of it. Without thinking, Izumi swung her colleague in front of her and simply pushed. He stiffened cluelessly. “Excuse me! So sorry! There’s no excuse! My bad! Apologies!” She was Moses parting the Red Sea, her staff the body of a large middle aged man who forgot to shave that morning.

When they broke through to the front, he stumbled and flopped to the ground due to the sudden lack of pushback. Meanwhile, the guardian angel, she threw her paperwork on the ground, rolled her sleeves back, and raised her voice for the first time in her life. For the kids, it would hopefully be the last time in their lives.

“Stop whatever is going on here right now or you’re all done for.” The audience shivered, but the duelers’ ears had blood rushing through them that contributed destructive interference. Adrenaline pumping, their wrestling and gut punching continued, no matter how pathetic or wormlike they remained.

Yuuko felt her cheek scrape across the pavement, her jaw aching. The crowd cheering for bloodshed barely registered, neither did the cries of protest. All she saw as she tilted her head up was Mai adjusting the focal length of her camcorder, staring right down her pupils. 

Mio shook her fist, releasing excess energy. Her foot raised, quickly stomping Yuuko’s stomach. Yuuko quickly got up and threw her entire weight into Mio, rolling into a cloud of dust, flailing punches scraping the skin.

In all truth, it was not the dramatic fighting the two of them pictured in their mind. It was petty and pathetic, exactly as one would expect two teenage girls who never work out to fight. It was not the first time they had gotten into a scuffle like this, but it was the first time it had taken on such a dark characteristic. But with every weak swipe or missed punch, it was clear to the crowd that it was once again two friends unable to communicate their differences, so they settled it through fists and shouting.

This did not detract from their amusement, however, as much of the audience, especially those from outside the school, felt an impersonal detachment from the two in the center.

Mio yelled.

“Get off me you lesbo!”

Yuuko stopped everything.

She felt her entire world crumbling. An ocean wave washed over her mind, she realized how petty everything was.

In the face of her true self getting exposed, all of the pain didn’t seem so bad.

“What did you just call me?”

“I said you’re a lesbo! I may be a fujoshi, but I bet you’re doing the exact same thing with GL comics!”

Yuuko’s knees quivered. Yuuko’s head spun. Yuuko’s throat dried.

“That's… it’s not true,” she spoke in between grunts of pain.

Mio would have been stunned that her insult actually cut deep, except for the the fact that this small victory felt so good. She stared into the eye of a broken girl. She was just that, a girl. But Mio had come too far by now.

Nano just sobbed, fell to her knees like Yuuko, and looked on as Yuuko’s tears renewed, her bloodstained cheek and scraped knees doubling her heartache.

Depressed, yet loud, she spoke. “…You and the whole world want to know why the date didn’t work out?”

A nod.

“…Fine. It’s true. I have ADHD. I was scatterbrained. I liked him but didn’t know why. I was still in denial.”

She looked straight into Mio’s eyes.

“I’m a lesbian.”

The crowd erupted into a mixture of gasps, cheers, laughs, and shouts.

“She finally admitted it!”

“Wait that isn’t normal?”

“The signs are obvious in hindsight.”

“Wait, so is this a lover’s quarrel?”

Mio looked heartbroken for a second before the smug satisfaction kicked in. She purposefully suppressed her empathy to reap the neurochemical rewards.

Ms. Sakurai’s pleas for the crowd to disperse were backed up by Takasaki’s far more authoritative, yet equally ineffective voice.

Nano, thinking the worst of it was done, chose to let herself relax for a minute.

This was a mistake.

“Good.” Mio picked Yuuko up, but held her down firmly. “Now repeat it again for the people in the back.”

Yuuko looked martyred. Mai entered the circle for the first time to get a good shot of Yuuko’s arms dangling, Mio’s look of triumph, the sun catching right, Yuuko’s mouth moving as she started to yell despite her sad, lonely eyes.

Ms. Sakurai found her voice.

“STOP IT NOW!”

Nano’s heart rate doubled and she felt her throat constrict and a sense of dread. It was the worst sight she’d ever seen in her life. Doom. There was so much drama and trouble and it was all too sad and why did her friends have to fight? Why did anyone have to? What about when they realize what her being a robot means? She’s next. She can’t trust anyone. It needs to stop. Please, someone make it stop. Please.

Nano found her voice.

“I’m a lesbian-”

“STOP IT!”

Nano’s voice clipped, overloading its processing power. The amplitude of information travelling to her “vocal cords” was so much that it exceeded the audio converter’s master limiter, and what came out instead was shrill, staticky, and incredibly loud. 

Not as loud as what came next.

As a HUD appeared in Nano’s eyesight, time perception slowed. An aperture in the knuckle of her index finger opened as her wrist folded, ejecting a lone bullet that collided in an explosion of dirt and dust as it struck the bark of a fading cherry blossom tree.

Tanaka vomited.

Takasaki just gawked.

Nano stood, mortified, her eyes wide and frightened.

Mio, self-awareness at her stupidity.

Yuuko, pure fatigue.

And in Mai’s eyes was ultimate hurt, a glassy window that remained determined to fix things.

Sakurai panted like an action heroine. To Takasaki, she looks like a goddess, but to the children, she looked like an oni sent to drag them to hell.

“You four. Principal’s office. With me. Immediately.”