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It starts with something innocuous. At least, Junseo thinks so. After a particularly long and brutal day of practice, Wei decide to have a game night to de-stress, huddling around their small living room table with takeout in various states of eaten in front of them. Somehow, as usual, the game that’s decided on is truth or dare, under an oath to Daehyeon that the questions and dares won’t be sexual or dangerous this time. The lack of alcohol compared to past rounds helps secure his trust.
It’s Junseo’s turn. Donghan is the one to ask his question, leaning forward with his eyebrows raised the way he does when he knows that he’s being an instigator. It’s not a great sign. The other’s sense the danger too— Daehyeon already has a hand on Donghan’s shoulder in warning, holding him back, before the man can even get a word out.
“Come on, it’s not that bad, promise. Junseo-yah, when… was your last kiss?” The smirk is audible in his voice as it is visible and the rest of the group immediately groan in semi-unison at the cliche. Donghan’s eyes are lit up with a childish fervor and Junseo can’t help laughing even when he’s the victim of the question. “And you have to give details. Who and how it was also. No skimping.”
“Seriously? That’s it ?” Daehyeon lets go of his shoulder and falls back against the couch again in almost disappointment.
Yohan, seated on the ground, leans back on his hand and throws his head back in disdain. “Hyung, couldn’t you at least try to be creative for once? Your questions always suck.”
Donghan throws a chopstick wrapper across the table at him in defense of himself. He bumps his elbow against the table at the same time, wincing in pain, and Junseo can hear Seokhwa’s muffled snort from across the room.
“My dares are better! Listen, Junseo never talks about this kind of thing! Not even with me and I’m his roommate!” He huffs. “I wouldn’t ask your boring ass, I know the answer anyway.”
Junseo doesn’t know what to make of the way the tips of Yohan’s ears flush, mouth hung open on a counter that doesn’t come, but he decides that what goes on between the two of them is their own business. Yongha mumbles something about moving on to Junseo’s right and the rest take the hint. Once the room settles back down again, they seem to accept the question despite all the protest. All eyes are on the maknae expectantly, waiting.
Junseo’s answer is simple.
“Never. So, no one. No details to give. Sorry to disappoint.”
It’s rare that something knocks the entire group into silence, but apparently Junseo manages it.
No one says a word so he prompts again, “What?”
Surprisingly, it’s Daehyeon that speaks first, but his voice is gentle instead of teasing the way Junseo would’ve expected.
“Are you serious? Never once?” He leans back deeper into the couch, folding his arms across his chest, eyebrows furrowed more so in concern than confusion now. “You’re so handsome though? Not even during your school days?”
“Nope, not once,” Junseo shrugs. “Just never had an opportunity I suppose? I was busy, you know. I’m guessing by all of your reactions that that’s only me though.”
The continued silence answers well enough for him. Junseo is glad that never being kissed isn’t on the list of things that he feels insecure about, otherwise his hyung’s lack of tact would no doubt contribute.
Junseo thinks that maybe his brain is broken, because instead of feeling left out or any kind of jealousy, the idea that each of them has been kissed before just leaves Junseo feeling a warmth in his chest.
Yongha is the first to break, hand awkwardly fumbling out to meet Junseo’s knee and give it a brief pat.
“It’s not all that great anyway,” He mutters, not making eye contact and retracting the hand just as quick as it came. “Anyway guys, can we please move on to who’s next? I’m starting to get sleepy.”
“Shocker.”
Junseo doesn’t process where the next voice and subsequent bickering comes from because that’s when he notices it for the first time: Seokhwa’s eyes on him from across the room.
The moment Junseo’s gaze meets his, Seokhwa looks away sharply, tries to make it seem like he was just looking at whoever was speaking instead. He curls in on himself, tucking his knees up tighter in the recliner he’s settled himself in, hiding half his face behind his legs. But Junseo notices. And he notices again the next few times it happens the rest of the night. It feels like any time anyone else is busy speaking, whether it’s another turn in the game or banter that goes on far too long, Seokhwa’s eyes are on Junseo instead.
Eventually, they all give in to their exhaustion and go their separate ways for bed. On his way out of the bathroom after brushing his teeth, Junseo nearly runs right into Seokhwa in the hallway outside his and Daehyeon’s room. He apologizes quickly and Seokhwa gives his normal soft eyed smile and brief hug like he does most nights. They say their goodnights and Junseo feels relieved that maybe whatever had been bothering Seokhwa that night had already passed.
That is, until he turns to open the door of his bedroom and feels the prickling of eyes at the back of his neck.
It’s not just that night. He notices it the next day too. And the next.
He notices it in the dorm, in their company car, the practice room, waiting rooms. Both during leisure time and also during schedules when they’re supposed to be paying attention. It feels like Seokhwa’s eyes are always fixed on him, burning holes into his skin from afar. But every time Junseo looks, every time he tries to return his stare, Seokhwa turns away. He’s not actually that good at hiding it, Junseo thinks, but he’s not sure if that’s the intent anyway. If it isn’t, does Seokhwa want him to notice? Either way, Junseo can’t make sense of it. Out of the invasive questions that were asked during their game, he can’t think of anything that he said in particular that could be bothering Seokhwa like that. Did he offend him somehow? Upset him? None of the rest of his hyungs have treated him any differently since that night, but yet Seokhwa’s focus on him hardly wavers.
The first time Junseo tries to confront him, they’re sitting together on a couch in the Inkigayo waiting room. Thankfully, though even more confusingly, Seokhwa hasn’t forced any distance between them. Instead, he’s just as pressed up against Junseo’s side as usual, one arm linked with the maknae’s and his head resting against the other’s shoulder while Junseo taps away at a mobile game on his phone. For a while, they stay like that comfortably, Seokhwa idly tapping through various apps on his own phone with his free hand. But eventually, Junseo feels it again. Seokhwa’s head tilts up and Junseo can feel his gaze against his cheek as fierce as ever.
Junseo doesn’t turn this time, purposely avoids eye contact so that Seokhwa can’t try to hide it. But he can see the older through the corner of his eye as he pretends to still be looking down at his game. Seokhwa’s expression is searching, eyes roaming all over Junseo’s face, eyebrows drawn in what seems to be confusion.
“Hyung,” Junseo keeps his voice just barely above a whisper so that the others don’t hear, just between the two of them, “you’re staring again.”
Seokhwa tries to stop himself from startling, Junseo can tell from the way that his fingers grip Junseo’s bicep. The maknae turns to look at him then, and a slight blush creeps across Seokhwa’s nose and the tips of his ears.
The older, rather than saying anything in his own defense or trying to play it off, just tucks his face against Junseo’s shoulder again, slightly behind it and half buried into the couch cushion. Junseo can’t help the chuckle it draws from him. He reaches up with the arm Seokhwa still has a grip around and runs his hand lightly through Seokhwa’s still unstyled hair. He can hear a barely audible “hmph” from against his shoulder blade.
Junseo doesn’t get to press the issue because a stylist noona suddenly calls Seokhwa over to her for his turn and the older is whisked away as if nothing had happened. Between styling, rehearsing, and the actual performance, they don’t get any time together again after that. Seokhwa sits next to Daehyeon on the ride home in the front seat of their van and Junseo tries not to take it personally.
He doesn’t know why he chooses to go to Donghan for advice that night, but he should’ve known better than to expect anything helpful from him.
He tries his best to come across casually, tucked against Donghan’s chest while sitting between his legs, as they watch videos together on Donghan’s phone. Donghan, as usual, had been feeling clingy and Junseo had no choice but to indulge him a little. It only felt fair to ask the question in exchange, a favor for a favor. (Junseo hates to admit that he doesn’t really mind the affection. Would never admit how comforting the feeling of Donghan’s warmth surrounding him is.)
“Hyung,” Junseo starts and winces at how unsure he sounds already. “Can I ask you something?”
Donghan just hums in response, chin resting against the top of Junseo’s head. The vibration of his throat tickles the back of his head. It’s obvious he isn’t fully paying attention but Junseo doesn’t mind it this time.
“Have you noticed Seokhwa-hyung staring at me lately?”
At first it seems like Donghan isn’t going to say anything at all and Junseo wilts.
But Donghan, after a pause, barks his signature laugh and it startles the maknae out of his skin.
“Junseo-yah,” He wheezes through his laughter, “you are an idiot.”
Junseo takes the sensitive skin of Donghan’s underarm and pinches it hard. “I didn’t ask just for you to insult me, Kim Donghan.”
Donghan yelps in pain, but at the same time pulls Junseo closer back against him apologetically, an arm around his stomach.
“Watch the disrespect, maknae.” There’s no actual harshness in his tone, just something closer to fondness. “You need to ask him about it, not me.”
Junseo groans, leaning his head back against Donghan’s shoulder, staring up at the ceiling.
“But I don’t want to, hyung.”
Lips just barely graze his temple and it sends tingling down his spine into his fingertips.
“Too bad.”
And with that, Donghan presses play on the Youtube video again and the conversation is over. As frustrated as he feels, Junseo lets himself relax in his arms, tries to let the feeling ground him.
Unfortunately, Donghan is right. Junseo knows he is.
The second confrontation attempt comes the next night after most of them have returned home from practice. Junseo has thrown himself across Seokhwa’s bed as he tends to do when he knows Daehyeon won’t be home for a long while yet. He likes to hide in their room when he isn’t feeling like dealing with Donghan’s endless energy (and harassment) just yet. He knows that Seokhwa enjoys the company, can tell from the way his hyung never protests and always ends up curled against his side under his arm, or sometimes, strewn out right on top of him.
Tonight it’s the latter, Seokhwa on his stomach on top of Junseo, head resting against Junseo’s chest. He’s tucked right under his chin while the maknae plays mobile games with his phone balanced on top of Seokhwa’s shoulder blades. They lay like that a long while, despite how uncomfortable the position actually is, to the point that Junseo’s arms start to tingle as if they’re going to fall asleep and he starts to wonder if Seokhwa has fallen asleep against him again.
But after a while, Seokhwa adjusts himself, propping his head up with his chin against Junseo’s sternum. He stares up at the maknae with wide, curious eyes and this time, he doesn’t break eye contact when Junseo tilts his head to meet him.
“Hyung,” Junseo prompts again, this time a little louder, a little bolder, “why do you keep looking at me like that?”
“I just don’t get it.”
The response is more immediate than Junseo expected, more straight forward. But it does nothing to clue him in on what Seokhwa could possibly be talking about.
“Get what?”
Seokhwa props himself up a bit more off of Junseo’s chest so that they can look at each other more comfortably. Junseo scoots up against the pillows a bit more, leaning back against his elbows.
“I don’t get how you haven’t been kissed before.” Seokhwa continues. He looks so serious, Junseo thinks, for this of all things to be the pressing issue he’s been sitting on for days. “It just doesn’t make any sense. There’s no way that’s true. I don’t think I believe you.”
Junseo can’t help the disbelieving laugh that gets punched out of him because of Seokhwa’s denial. His hyung’s eyebrows furrow deeper, lower lip sticking out just slightly, and Junseo doesn’t think the other even realizes how pouty it makes him look.
“Are you saying I’m a liar?” Seokhwa tilts his head in a way that conveys ‘That’s exactly what I’m saying,’ and Junseo chuckles again. “Hyung, it’s not that impossible. It’s just that no one has ever been interested in me like that.”
“That’s what I don’t get.” Seokhwa sits up further, basically straddling Junseo’s stomach now, hands braced on either side of Junseo’s shoulders. “I don’t get how not one single person wanted to kiss you that whole time. You. Look at you.”
Junseo can feel his heartbeat in his fingertips. The giggle that leaves his throat has a tinge of nervousness he doesn’t expect. Junseo considers himself a confident person, someone with high self-esteem, but he doesn’t know what to make of how direct this kind of compliment is. He’s not sure he’s ever heard something like this from someone else. This goes beyond a simple ‘You’re handsome.’
“Seokhwa-hyung, I didn’t always look like a pretty styled K-pop idol. I was still just an awkward teenager. Just a guy.” He reaches up to brush Seokhwa’s bangs out of his face and he’s not sure why he does it. His fingers tremble just slightly. “Why are you so concerned about it?”
Seokhwa leans back further, now essentially sitting in Junseo’s lap, and looks at him for a long second. His ears, Junseo notices, are turning bright red. Junseo thinks he can feel his own growing warm as well. He doesn’t quite understand the atmosphere that’s growing between them.
“I don’t know…” Seokhwa looks down at Junseo’s stomach rather than meeting his eye any longer. “I guess it just makes me… sad?”
Junseo sits up more, reaching out and cupping the back of Seokhwa’s arm with his hand, pulling him forward just slightly. It closes some of the distance that was put between them and he can see how it makes Seokhwa swallow. Nervously, almost. Junseo strokes the skin just under his t-shirt sleeve with his thumb in an attempt to be comforting, but it just makes his chest feel hot.
“It’s fine hyung, I’m not sad about it. I’ve made it this long just fine haven’t I?”
“Yeah, but…”
It’s obvious Seokhwa wants to say more but he doesn’t. His eyes flicker across Junseo’s face, searchingly. They linger, ever so slightly, on his mouth. And it sparks something in Junseo.
He reaches out with his other hand, uses it to cup the back of Seokhwa’s neck.
“Do you want to kiss me, hyung?”
It’s risky, so risky. If it goes wrong it could be devastating. But it’s the only reason Junseo can think of to explain why Seokhwa has been so bothered for days. The only explanation for the tension he feels between them, the heat of Seokhwa’s skin under his fingers.
Seokhwa’s eyes go wide in shock. His lips fall open, mouth slack, and Junseo can’t help but think how full and pretty they look like that. Maybe he’s planted the idea in his own head, how nice it would feel to kiss him. Maybe it was his own subconscious talking rather than what he thought he was reading from the other. All along, was it just Junseo’s hope that Seokhwa wanted to kiss him?
“Junseo…” Seokhwa’s voice is tinged like he’s going to scold him, but there’s no intent behind his words. He moves a hand to Junseo’s shoulder, but doesn’t put any more distance between them, doesn’t push away.
They’re quiet for a moment, looking at each other. Seokhwa’s eyes graze over Junseo’s lips again, through his lashes, and Junseo can feel his heartbeat in his throat now.
Even through the tension, all Junseo can think about is how beautiful Seokhwa looks like this.
Eventually, he sighs, fingers closing around Junseo’s shirt collar loosely.
“It shouldn’t be me.”
Junseo challenges him immediately.
“And why not?”
The surprise in Seokhwa’s eyes is genuine. Junseo squeezes the hand around the older’s forearm gently, reassuringly.
“Because…” Seokhwa’s voice is quiet, so unsure. “Because it should be special, Junseo. And I’m-”
“Special.” Junseo sits up fully, gently but forcefully brings Seokhwa’s forehead to press against his own. “Special to me.”
They’re so close now the tips of their noses almost touch. Junseo can feel Seokhwa’s quickening pulse against his palm, under his jaw.
Seokhwa looks so small, so shy, so unsure. Junseo wants to envelop him, protect him.
“Is it okay? Are you sure?” He whispers, and Junseo can feel the warmth of his breath against his mouth.
His heartbeat thunders in his ears.
“Yes. Please kiss me.”
Something between them breaks. Junseo feels the splinters of it in the tingling of his skin.
Seokhwa pushes him back down against his bed as he surges forward and kisses him.
Seokhwa is all over him, surrounding him, pressing down into him, and when Junseo breathes in it feels like all that enters his lungs is just Seokhwa, Seokhwa, Seokhwa.
It’s messy, so messy. The angle isn’t quite right, their foreheads bump, Seokhwa’s knee digs into Junseo’s hip and Junseo grabs Seokhwa’s shoulder just a little bit too hard. But despite that, Junseo suddenly feels like he understands why everyone makes such a big deal out of this.
It’s not the kiss itself, not really. It’s Seokhwa. His warmth, his scent, his chest pressed against Junseo’s, and his soft hands cupping both sides of his jaw. It’s the way he presses in closer and closer like it’s never going to be enough. How he sighs in a way Junseo’s never heard before when they readjust the angle of their mouths and press their lips together again, then again.
It’s always been about Seokhwa, Junseo thinks. Seokhwa is what he was waiting for.
He runs his hand up from the back of Seokhwa’s neck to tangle his fingers in his hair gently. There was a tinge of desperation in their kisses at first, but Junseo holds him tenderly, kisses him again, softly this time, slowly. He tries to convey how he feels in the languid pace, the way he runs his hand up Seokhwa’s side adoringly.
Seokhwa is the first to pull away and Junseo can’t help but try to chase his lips again, but he pauses when he sees the way the older looks down at him. His eyes are filled with awe, tears sparkling along his waterline. Beautiful , Junseo’s mind whispers, achingly, beautiful.
“Junseo-yah,” Seokhwa breathes like all the air has left his lungs. “This means something right? It’s not just because, right? Please say it means something.”
It’s almost a plea. Junseo strokes his jaw with his thumb, then his lower lip.
“It does.”
“Can we… Are we…?” Seokhwa’s arms tremble from holding himself upright for so long and Junseo turns them over so that they’re on their sides facing one another.
“Yes,” Junseo replies, carding his fingers gently through Seokhwa’s hair again, placing a kiss against the tip of his nose. “Of course.”
Seokhwa buries his face against the younger’s neck again, placing a kiss there so gently it makes Junseo shudder. They lay like that for a while, catching their breath, trying to calm their nerves. Seokhwa traces circles against Junseo’s shoulder, kisses across his jawline.
“Can I tell you something?” He eventually whispers, face still tucked against the curve of Junseo’s neck.
“Anything, hyung.”
“That was my first kiss too. I just didn’t want to admit it around the others.”
Junseo laughs louder than he means to, trying to muffle it against Seokhwa’s hair, and he can feel Seokhwa’s grin against his skin before he breaks out into quiet giggles too. They lay there, tangled in each other, smiling so hard it hurts, and Junseo wonders if this is what it feels like to be in love.
“You drive me crazy, Kang Seokhwa.”
Later when he comes home, Daehyeon walks in on them exploring one another, a mess of limbs and sighs, and he walks right back out again. He doesn’t come back the rest of the night. The two of them laugh about it together the rest of the week every time Daehyeon can’t meet their eyes.