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“I thought men’s clothes are more comfortable than women’s, but both are extremely bad. And you somehow manage to ride in these stupid hose!”
Ros, who couldn’t ride for his life, nodded frantically.
Ophelia plumped down on Guil’s bed and sighed.
“What an adventure, anyway!”
Hamlet let his irritation out.
“What were you thinking, my lady? If someone finds you, I’ll be the one to blame! Dad can even banish me from Wittenberg, and I like it here very much!”
Laertes’s fiancée was sitting in Ros’s favourite chair, almost invisible and silent like a mouse. Horatio, who was used to be the most awkward person in a room, noticed that and tried to interfere.
“Guys, maybe we should calm down, drink some tea and think all this through without panicking?”
Ros started nodding again. Guil, who was even more nervous than Hamlet (though it wasn’t that obvious), jumped down from the mantel and quickly left the room.
“So tea it is. Apparently,” Horatio said with uncertainty. "Dear lady Magdalena, are you feeling well? Please ignore Hamlet, he's a caveman even though a prince."
"I'm fine, thank you," uttered the girl, and Ophelia came to her senses, pulled her next to herself to the bed and gently hugged her.
Hamlet dramatically fell into the now empty chair but kept silent. Everyone joined him for a while.
"Erm, please, someone help me," they finally heard Guil's voice from behind the door and Ros hurried to let him in. Together, they brought in a tray with a teapot and five cups.
"I miss having servants," Hamlet hissed under his breath, while Guil muttered apologetically:
"Mea cupla, I broke one on my way here."
"It's culpa, my love," whispered Ros, but no one noticed it anyway.
"I'm not in the mood for tea, you can have my cup," said Hamlet with exaggerated dignity and pushed back in his seat.
Horatio helped Magdalena with the drink, and she seemed to warm up a little.
Guil calmed down as well and said, "I think we can get through all this situation, I may have a plan."
"This is not exactly what I planned," he grunted in a while, looking at a single bed that technically belonged to Horatio but hadn't been in use for months.
"Oh, don't worry, sleeping in a narrow bed won't be a problem for us," Ros reassured him. "The most important thing is that Ophelia and Magdalena have enough space. And by the way, why do we have to move our beds apart every morning?"
Guil ignored him and got into the bed they had to settle for from now on.
"Come here", he said, his voice muffled by the blanket.
"Well, I think the exercise won't hurt," shrugged Ros and joined him, feeling just a little regret that certain other physical activities were now hardly available.
Next morning, it seemed that they were the only ones deprived of a good night's sleep/ways to pass the time, because Hamlet felt marvellous, as well as the girls.
The gang went outside to enjoy a sunny day and to see the stray cat Horatio had been feeding for the whole school year. In April, she gave birth to three cutest kittens and the guy wouldn't shut up about what a good foster dad he was ever since. The girls found the cat family adorable and spent some time squishing the kittens while the mom cat got the well deserved rest on the lap of over-excited Ros (no need to say what warmth it brought to Guil's heart).
"Okay," Guildenstern said conspiratorially, in a while. "We have some letters to write."
"Ah, those letters, which you absolutely don't send to my mother," huffed Hamlet, who was leaning on the wall with obvious irritation the entire time.
"N-no, we don't even send them to Denmark!" Ros attempted to convince him with no luck whatsoever.
"Then go. I think we'll show the girls around the town in the meantime."
"Actually, we wanted to go there on our own," interfered Ophelia and then hissed at Hamlet: "Someone here is just a tad bit too intimidating."
"Oh, of course," the prince couldn't help but exclaim sarcastically, offended by the fact he wouldn't be the centre of attention for the next couple of hours. "I'm sure me and Horatio will find something to entertain ourselves."
"Actually, we have to study for tomorrow's exam," Horatio reminded awkwardly. "So I recommend we all go to the library," and he gave Ros and Guil a meaningful look.
"We'll meet you there then, when we are done with the sightseeing," concluded Ophelia, and the girls, still wearing men's clothes, left towards the town hand in hand.
"I'm so happy we are nerds," smiled Rosencrantz when they finished revising their notes for the subject. "Sorry, except for you, our prince," he added quickly because Hamlet was about to blow up.
All four were actually really good at basic medicine, so the preparations didn't take too long (Horatio tried to insist they spent another hour with the books, but he wasn't successful). The guys separated, and the prince retired to his chambers with Horatio, leaving the other two to their letter business.
"I wonder what the girls were doing all that time," mused Guil when they were alone. He was sure that Ophelia would bring at least several epic stories.
However, the couple didn't get involved in any ventures and went with simple drinking-wine-on-a-roof.
It was actually Magdalena's influence that made Ophelia less reckless and prone to unladylike behaviour. Since her partners in crime (namely, our inseparable duo) left for Wittenberg, it had become difficult to get away with mischief and keep up the appearance of an innocent young girl. Not even her father, Polonius, seemed to believe in her obsession with Hamlet that much any more, and now she needed another cover-up story to hide her real preferences. But after she met Magdalena, Ophelia became so desperate she decided to go with Ros and Guil's shaky plan and leave Denmark for good. Magdalena came up with a way to safeguard the plan by staging their kidnapping and Elsinore's secret queen of pranks fell for her even harder.
So now they were laying on a warm roof laughing and rejoicing in freedom they never had.
(They did still steal some fruits on their way back though, only because Magdalena was too tipsy and excited to stop Ophelia.)
"So, you are writing again, and I will dictate."
Ros didn't even try to object and dipped his pen into the ink.
"So… Our dearest Queen (with the capital Q) Gertrude, Your Majesty (both with the capital letters). Be so kind to accept our most humble greetings. We wish to bring to your Royal (with the capital R) attention that, on June 9th, your noblest son, Prince (with the capital P) Hamlet, spent 18 marks on a tierce of sauerkraut, and on June 10th, he shot a pigeon with a bow and arrow and ate it (after thoroughly roasting it, do not worry). We pledge to keep you aware of any other suspicious activity of our dear friend Hamlet just as you have ordered at the beginning of the school year. Your most humble and obedient servants, lords Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. The end. But don't actually write "the end", oops, it's too late. Never mind then."
Ros put down the pen, moved the sheet of paper away and laid his head on the table.
"I'm always so tired after writing these, I'm too stressed not to make any mistakes and to keep my handwriting pretty enough," he whined.
"It looks really pretty," Guil reassured him.
"My fingers hurt."
"Maybe, I can kiss it away?"
"Why are you always so horny when I write anything?" Ros asked and held out his working left hand, with his head still on the table.
"I don't know," shrugged Guil and went to kiss the fingers one by one.
But suddenly their romantic moment (just like two days ago) was interrupted by absolutely obnoxious laughter.
“Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon (a giggle), your breasts are like two fawns (terribly obscene kissing sounds followed by a soft moan), how much more pleasing (another giggle) is your love than wine (indistinguishable muttering), milk and honey are under your tongue (another moan, but this time not soft at all).”
“Damn, Ophelia got drunk and is now reading the Bible to a girl again!” groaned Guil, and Ros banged his head on the same spot of the table.
“We shouldn’t have let them go alone!”
They got up and approached the bookcase the sounds were coming from.
“Girls?” Ros carefully called out from behind the shelves. “You are not alone here, if you excuse me.”
The girls only snorted and Guil decided to come closer. He found them sitting on the floor in quite a disarray, Magdalena clutching on her undone doublet but looking not a bit ashamed, contrary to the first impression she made. Ophelia looked completely chaotic with drunk lust in her eyes.
“Erm, let’s get you back to our room as soon as possible,” Ros suggested, and the boys started to help the girls get up and then leave the library.
“You know what?” sighed Guildenstern, when they went out to have a jolt of fresh air.
“Of course I know, you’re going to kiss me,” Rosencrantz gave him a small smile.
“I love it when you read my mind.”
“This I know too. Such a shame that we must sleep in this godforsaken narrow bed.”’
“I’m not sure if you are ready to go to the observatory tower, but there’s no one there today.”
“Yeah, I remember, the floor there is quite comfortable. I think I can suppress my fear of demons for this occasion.”
“Great, let’s go!” and Guil pulled him hard by the arm.
“Wait, you still haven’t kissed me!”
“Oh, I’m so so sor…”