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dan-i is tired.
humans are social creatures. she knows that. but at some point, she does get tired of feeling like she belongs to someone — yeoryeong, the kings, the author — more than she belongs to herself. like she is the byproduct of lazy writing, a character to be killed off for plot development, or maybe, if she’s lucky, a fan-favorite that only gets fleshed out in side-stories. she misses her world, when her issues were just university instead of which university yeoryeong would follow her to.
in that sense, ruda gets her. understands that part of her that wants control — that wants to be an individual, defined by herself. but even then, he feels like — like another thing to own her, to ask something of her she isn’t yet ready to give.
she can’t give up her secrets. what happens to novel characters when they learn they’re not real? she knows from reading too much that it is never anything good.
but then, what makes this less real than her world? what makes anything that happens here, even if it’s fictional in her world — what makes it less real to the people living it?
needless to say, dan-i’s been thinking a lot.
“are you okay?” ruda asks, sitting next to her. it’s passing period, and the rest of her usual friends are busy practicing something (without her, does she really need to be there anyway), so. that’s just how it is now, she guesses. dan-i flops forward on her desk, arms out and dangling over the edge.
“yeah,” she says. “i’ve just been… thinking.”
“that’s difficult,” ruda sympathizes. if he were anyone else, she might’ve smacked him on the shoulder or something playful like that, but somehow, she can’t make herself look at him. he’s too pretty.
“ruda,” she says, still not looking at him, “how do you belong to yourself?”
he blinks at her. “i guess… by choosing who you give yourself to?”
“hm.” dan-i buries her face back into the desk and breathes in deeply, feeling the air condense against the cool plastic surface. huh. these are much nicer desks than their old school.
“i think,” he tries again, “that we always belong a little bit to the people we care about, but we shouldn’t lose sight of ourselves.”
that’s a better answer, dan-i thinks. takes into account love and self and what it means to have secrets that can never see the light of day.
“i like that answer,” she says, and misses/ignores the way ruda flushes in response.
“i’m glad,” he stammers.
it’s not like him to spout platitudes like that, but it is like him to try and seek a solution to her being sad, even if she doesn’t necessarily want to hear it.
so she shouldn’t be surprised by what happens next.
.
ruda and yeoryeong, after school. eunhyung stands off to the side, his arms crossed, eyes flashing dangerously. chunyoung is nowhere to be found, probably not seeking out another fight since that last one.
and of course, dan-i gets there at the wrong time. as always.
“you’re hurting her,” says ruda.
“how would you know?” yeoryeong snaps. “you can’t keep doing this, lee ruda.”
“doing what?”
“do you know what’s best for her? do you know what she wants?”
“do you?”
yeoryeong clenches her fists, and that’s when dan-i decides to step in.
“hey,” she snaps, and both parties guiltily whip around to look at her. dan-i sighs. does she really have to launch into a whole monologue about this?
no. she doesn’t. she’s had enough. “both of you, leave me alone,” she spits. then she turns away and leaves.
(she does not see the stricken look on both yeoryeong and eunhyung’s faces, nor does she see the tears in ruda’s eyes. she does not want to see them.)
.
ruda finds her in that empty classroom they’d once hidden in. because of course he would. and of course dan-i would hide in the one place that he’d never forget.
“i’m sorry,” he says immediately, lingering at the door.
she’s not sure if she hates him or loves him in that moment. it has been a long time since someone has actually apologized to her. even if he doesn’t know what it’s for.
“i don’t need you to fight my battles for me,” dan-i says.
“i want to protect you,” says ruda. he takes a step further into the room.
“don’t do things that i don’t want you to do,” dan-i says. she cannot help the spite that crackles into her voice. “i don’t need protecting. i don’t need someone to belong to. and i don’t need you ruining my friendships. they’re mine to ruin.”
ruda bites his lip. “i’m sorry,” he says again. he laughs hollowly. “i guess i messed everything up for you, huh?”
dan-i sighs. “no. but please don’t do something like that again.” she looks up at him, his teary blue eyes. “instead, tell me your concerns. friendship is about teamwork. not… whatever it was you were doing before.”
ruda does not look entirely convinced, but does resemble a kicked puppy trying to decipher the lesson it’s being taught.
“i think i get it,” he says. “i’m used to doing things alone, so i just… jumped into it. i thought i had to protect you from them.”
“you don’t,” says dan-i firmly. “you and they are both my friends.”
there is something strange in his eyes at the word friends, but dan-i figures she’s imagining it.
“okay,” ruda breathes. “like a team.”
sure. dan-i nods. holds her hand out to him. “let’s head back to the classroom.”
ruda surges forward and clasps her hand, weaving his fingers with hers. “okay,” he says. “let’s go.”
.
“but,” ruda says on their way back, as if something’s just occurring to him, “you have to promise to tell me when something’s bothering you, too. for my peace of mind.”
dan-i looks away. she probably won’t, but it’ll at least be nice to be able to sort of talk to someone… right?
it’s like they’re making a deal. she looks down at their still-joined hands. “okay,” she says, and ruda beams.
.
after dan-i patches things up with her original friend group in class one — it involves a lot of promising that yes, she’ll try to open up when things are hard and stop feeling like an outsider — things go back to normal.
well, normal plus ruda holding her hand a lot. not that he wasn’t always overt with the physical affection, just that dan-i’s a lot more aware of it now, especially since it’s… harder to ignore. he holds her hand in class. sometimes traces the dips of her knuckles with his fingers, his stupidly beautiful eyes searching for her soul in her hand. dan-i’s pretty sure if the soul is stored anywhere, it’s not in the hands, but she doesn’t really have the heart or the courage to tell him something that corny.
“dan-ah,” says ruda, and god he’s so pretty, “you have really nice hands.”
dan-i barks a nervous laugh. “do i?”
“yeah.” he brings her hand to his mouth and presses the gentlest kiss to it.
“um.” dan-i gently tries to ease her hand out of his grip. “can you… ask before you do something like that?”
ruda pouts, not letting go. “but you’ll say no.”
that’s most definitely not something dan-i can just let sit, but she’s also not used to being so flustered she can’t find words.
“you should still respect what i have to say about it,” says dan-i. “and besides… if it’s you, i guess it’s okay…”
she’s not used to saying such embarrassing stuff, but she’s also not used to being so close to him either. she didn’t even realize, but her face is just a breath away from his, like she’s been leaning in.
“dan-ah,” he says again, using that name like a prayer, “do you really mean that?”
“yeah,” she breathes.
“okay,” says ruda, with a smile that makes all other smiles pale in comparison.
.
ruda makes himself at home so easily that it’s hard to believe it’s his first time over at dan-i’s house. her parents aren’t home, and though that premise makes his trademark blush splay its hands all over his face, he shows no symptoms of discomfort. he’s seated at the coffee table before dan-i can even blink.
“dan-ah,” he says, bouncing on his knees. “are you gonna make tea for me?”
“do you want tea or coffee?” dan-i asks, almost exasperated. of course he would be so at home where she lives.
he takes a moment to ponder the question. “i’m more of a coffee person,” he says, “but isn’t it custom to serve tea?”
“...do you want both?”
he lights up. “can you do that?”
“yeah, that’s fine.”
it’s a little wasteful, but dan-i’s not about to say anything about it. as she bustles around the kitchen, she feels him come up behind her.
“dan-ah,” ruda says, his voice low and so distinctly masculine. how did dan-i ever think he was a girl? “can i hug you from behind?”
dan-i’s mouth forms over words several times before she finally chokes out: “yeah.”
ruda’s arms are strong. probably from being so good at martial arts and, you know, jumping out of windows. not that jumping exercises your arms, but dan-i’s not exactly coherent enough to take that into account. the point is this: his arms are strong, and warm, and she likes them.
“you know, this is the kind of thing people usually do when they’re dating,” she jokes, and immediately regrets it. ruda’s arms tighten around her.
“can we?”
huh?
dan-i shifts in his arms to look at his beet-red face. “you… want to date me?”
“i like you so much,” he says. he raps his chest with his knuckles. “so much it hurts here.”
god, he’s so corny.
they’re moving pretty fast, aren’t they? he just got here, after all.
dan-i’s heart pounds a mile a minute.
“dan-ah… can you answer me? should i wait for you?”
part of her thinks he’d wait no matter what she says, but the overwhelming majority of her is screaming that she likes him too. is it too hasty to say something like that?
“i like you too, so, um… go sit down before the water boils over.”
maybe this is the smile to make all others seem dim, because as ruda bounds back over to the coffee table, he is positively glowing. not that dan-i can say much else about herself: this must be the most she’s blushed in a very, very long time.
finally, she brings him his two drinks, sets them both on the table in front of him.
he looks at them curiously. “maybe i didn’t think this through very well.”
dan-i laughs. “are you sure you don’t need help finishing it?”
“you like tea, right? you drink that one, then.”
“i like both!” dan-i protests.
“wha — do you want both, then?”
“nope.” she grins cheekily at him, and ruda’s face goes red again. he covers his mouth with his hand.
“don’t look so cute…” he murmurs. dan-i innocently takes a sip of the tea, pushing the cup of coffee closer to ruda. he takes a sip.
“you left it black,” he notes.
“isn’t that how you like it?”
when ruda looks at her then, his eyes are sparkling. the man is practically like a walking sun, dan-i muses.
“it is,” he says.
there are a few moments of silence as the both of them try to collect their thoughts.
“so—” ruda starts, then clamps down on his tongue again.
“what?”
“you said — you said you like me.”
dan-i averts her gaze. “i do.”
“so…” ruda reaches out as if he wants to touch her, then thinks better of it, fidgeting with his hands in his lap. part of dan-i wants him to touch her. “i mean, if we both like each other, then it makes sense to date, right?”
he almost doesn’t sound like himself.
“let’s date, then,” says dan-i.
“i want to kiss you,” ruda declares. that sounds more like him.
“do it, then,” says dan-i. for a split second, she wonders if they’re moving too fast again. but really… does it matter as long as they’re both okay with it?
ruda’s lips taste like chapstick and coffee. his hand gently presses against her waist. it’s an innocent kiss, the kind that promises more. dan-i’s almost convinced ruda has experience.
“was that okay?” he asks.
“yeah,” she says.
“can i…?” he looks at her lips again.
“you don’t have to ask anymore, i think,” says dan-i, and he swoops in and kisses her again.
.
of course, they have to have the conversation of what do they ask for, and what is okay to just do? they eventually decide that, as long as they’re not at school, they don’t have to ask for physical affection. but the right is always reserved to say no.
“you’re allowed to say no to me too, ruda,” says dan-i.
“i know,” he says. “i don’t see it happening, though.”
“just in case!”
he stares at her intently. “can you say my name again?”
“huh?”
ruda folds his hands under his chin. “you don’t say my name very much. i just like the way it sounds when you say it.”
dan-i suddenly thinks of that moment when she said he was a monster. a nice monster. now he’s her monster. “ruda,” she says; somehow, it feels weird in her mouth.
“again?”
dan-i pouts. “say mine, then.”
“dan-ah,” ruda says immediately, his voice filled with so much reverence that dan-i can’t help but blush.
“ruda-ah,” she says.
“i want to kiss you,” he says.
dan-i smacks him lightly on the arm. “wait until we’re out of school,” she says.
ruda flops over on his desk. “promise?”
dan-i sticks up her pinky. she usually doesn’t promise things: words can always be broken. but she promises this little thing, and she will probably promise many more things in the future. “promise.”
they lock pinkies and stamp it, and ruda bites his lower lip, staring at their briefly joined hands.
“i like you so much, dan-ah,” he says.
“me, too,” she says back.
.
she walks home with yeoryeong, but ruda appears at her door not even an hour after she gets home. as soon as she opens the door, his lips are on hers, arms around her shoulders, a flurry of mouths and hands.
“you’re so eager,” dan-i teases.
“just for you,” says ruda. god he’s corny.
maybe one day dan-i will tell him everything. maybe one day.