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Wilbur kisses Alex’s neck one last time and rolls off of him. Alex ignores Wilbur’s tired exhale, getting rid of his own dry throat by drinking from the water bottle which had been waiting on the nightstand. Alex puts it down after a moment, wiping the condensation on his sweater. Wilbur didn’t even take it off before he buried his length inside of Alex.
“That was nice wasn’t it?” Wilbur says and yet his voice sounds cold. His own sweater is hugging his torso, serving as a reminder that tonight wasn’t nice at all.
“Yeah, it was good”, Alex answers him, lying down with his back turned to Wilbur.
“Can I take a shower or do you want to go first?” he asks, staring at Alex’s back with lifeless eyes.
“You go first”, Alex tells him, not even looking at him.
“Okay”, he says before rolling out of bed and disappearing into the bathroom.
He locks the door behind him.
Alex looks at the closed bathroom door for a moment, his heart feeling terribly heavy in his chest. He never locks the door.
Alex inhales and exhales shakily. The room feels suffocating, he can’t breathe inside. He quickly rushes to the balcony doors and opens them, stumbling outside.
The air is heavy from rain, cold and wet as water pours down from the dark skies. No music from the restaurant downstairs can be heard tonight. Not a single person is chatting on the streets down below, not even the far away sound from cars can be heard. It is as if the world stopped tonight, like the rain brought an end to the warm and carefree summer nights and brought nothing but cold and misery.
Alex holds onto the railing, the wet cold digging into his skin. The city lights once looked so beautiful. Like stars on earth. Now they are blurry from the rain, like fires made to destroy.
What has happened today? Why does he feel so empty, so broken when he felt like he could fly in the morning? Why does the memory of Wilbur gently rubbing shampoo into his hair this morning make him feel so empty? He was sure that everything would be alright again between the two of them.
“You can go shower now”, Wilbur tells him, fresh out of the bathroom.
He is naked. At least that hasn’t changed yet.
“Okay”, he murmurs and enters the bedroom again.
Alex leaves the windows open, too lost in his own thoughts to even notice.
The water is warm on his skin, but he finds no join in it. It runs down his body soothingly, but he finds no comfort in it. It cleans him of today, but he still feels dirty after stepping out of the shower. No water, no matter how warm, can get rid of the burden of tonight's fight. It has dug a hole into his heart, there is no way of getting it out.
It wasn’t even a bad fight. Just bickering over where they should order food which leads to accusations of “not knowing the other good enough” and other untrue shit. Alex didn’t yell. He never yells, no matter how angry Alex or Wilbur are. Instead they fell into a kiss and solved it like they always do. Sex. Fast, breathtaking, sweaty sex. Except that tonight it didn’t work, deep down he knew it didn’t work.
Wilbur is already in bed when Alex returns from the bathroom. He has his blanket pulled all the way up to his shoulders, his head resting on his pillow, his eyes staring up at the ceiling.
Alex crawls under the blanket, lying down on his back as well. Alex stayed naked. At least that hasn’t changed yet.
“I closed the balcony doors if that’s alright. I was really cold”, he says.
“I left them open?”
“Yes.”
“Mhm, thanks for closing them.”
“Of course.”
Alex felt exhausted from talking to him, so drained and spent. Alex loves talking to him, loves listening to his ideas and thoughts of the world, and loves hearing him speak about his passions. But tonight. He feels exhausted.
Alex was so sure that everything will be alright again between the two of them. They’ve been through so much more than this, they had fights worse than this. So why does this feel so final? Why does Alex feel like there is no coming back this time around? Have they finally reached the finish line? Has Alex crossed it already without even having noticed that he has? Is tomorrow going to be their last anniversary together?
"Do you know what they say about the seventh year in a relationship?" Alex breaks the burdening silence.
Wilbur shakes his head.
"What?" he mumbles.
"That this is an important year in every relationship. That people either realise that they aren't meant for each other and break up or they realise how much they love the other person and that a life without them would mean nothing but misery."
Neither Alex nor Wilbur turn their heads to look at the other person. Alex should be nervous, scared. Wilbur should be too. But neither Alex nor Wilbur is, instead, motionless and lifeless as they lie next to each other.
"What does this mean?" Wilbur finally speaks.
"Do you want to keep on loving this one person? Do you want to put effort into this relationship now that the pink glasses have fallen from your eyes and reality set in? Do you want to live with that reality or would it be better to end it all before you get hurt too much?"Alex pauses for a moment as he watches the shadows of a passing car dance on the ceiling. "That's what the seventh year means."
Wilbur hums in acknowledgment. He stays silent for a long time after that and Alex are too exhausted to ask him for an answer. Maybe he doesn’t even want to answer Alex and quite frankly speaking that would be okay for Alex tonight.
Just as Alex had finally given up on an answer from Wilbur he suddenly speaks.
"Why does it scare me, hearing you talk like this?"
"Maybe because I've been thinking about these questions ever since that stupid anniversary trip started and you know it."
"I know it and it frightens me."
Wilbur’s hand slips from underneath the blanket to take Alex’s. He doesn’t even care that Alex’s is still hidden under his blanket. He just needs to feel something of Alex, anything. Even if it is only his covered hand and a faint tickle of his body heat.
"It frightens me too", Alex confesses.
"It does?"
"Sure it does, I am so sure that I love you and having these kind of thoughts-" Alex inhales shakily, "-it's scary."
He squeezes Alex’s hand and for the first time today, Alex can actually feel something. Warm and comforting it flickers up in Alex’s heart for the briefest of moments before dying out again.
"I’m so sure I love you too.”
“I know.”
Alex scoots closer. Not close enough to touch, but close enough to feel something. Anything. Even if it is just the impression that the thread between their hearts hasn’t torn yet.
"Do you know the answers already?" Wilbur whispers.
"Mhm?"
"To the questions? Do you want to keep trying or, or do-", he swallows and only now Alex realises that he is fighting with his tears, "-you want to end it?" he asks quietly.
"I thought I was so sure, but-", Alex pauses to take a deep breath to stop his emotions to get the better of him, “-I don’t know anymore.”
Wilbur hums in understanding. His grip loosens before disappearing completely, leaving behind a cold and empty spot.
"We will get through this, right?" he asks.
He is shivering slightly, it can't be from the cold - there practically is none - it must be his nerves having their fun with him.
"I don't know. I really hope we will", Alex whispers, still not entirely sure if their relationship will ever be the same again.
"Me too.”
He rolls over so his back is facing Alex. Alex knows it is to hide Wilbur’s tears from him, too ashamed to cry in front of him, he rather hides away from Alex. Alex is selfishly glad he did, even if he tried, Alex couldn’t comfort him tonight. Alex is too exhausted for that.
So he rolls onto his side as well. His back is facing Wilbur whilst hot tears run down his own cheeks.
Is this how Alex and Wilbur are going to spend their last night together? Broken and exhausted by the burdens of that stupid anniversary trip, too tired to offer comfort although seeing the other person suffer breaks Alex. Does Alex already know the answers to his own questions? Does Alex want to put effort into this relationship or would it be better to break it off? Maybe he actually does know the answers to his questions, deep down in his heart, he knows them, but can’t find them no matter how hard he is looking. Tonight he can’t find them.