Archive of Our Own

Quackity wasn’t a bad person. Of course, he would play the humorous role of a “bad boy” on his campus, being the problematic kid in general. Yes, he was bratty and sarcastic, and his humor often hurt people, but he was as quick to apologize, and he was always very aware of the people around him, as well as of their boundaries. Quackity tried to take all of that in due to the factor of not being able to have his own boundaries respected in his earlier life. Quackity was good. He was to the people and the friends around him, but he was quiet with himself and he had tall walls around his heart. Not because he didn’t trust his friends and not because he didn’t want to share but because he was afraid, and he believed himself to be bad. 

Quackity knew about soulmates and believed to find his own one day. But he also believed that they were far from coming his way, or so he prayed because he wanted to have time to become good. Because this year has become extremely overwhelming, and he was trying really hard not to fall back into old coping habits. Especially because his life wasn’t bad. He was in college, after all, and he was finally independent even though he lived in the dorms. He had his friends, George, Dream, Sapnap and Karl, Bad, too. There were a bunch of people he talked to but those five were actually close to him. He loved them very much but how could he tell them about this ugly side of him? It was easier to keep silent as he used to, just another thing from his past – keep quiet since no one asked. Even if they ask, sugarcoat it. 

Quackity fazed out of his thoughts and looked up to see someone waving their hand in front of him. It was George. They had English right now. Quackity blinked at the hand and moved his gaze to stare at his friend’s face. 

“What’s up?” he asked. 

“I’ve been talking to you, I just noticed that you haven’t been replying at all.” George rolled his eyes. “And I call you a friend.”

“Sorry, dude,” Quackity glanced at the professor that was talking by the board. “I was thinking about how interesting English is, uh…”

George stared at him for a moment, waiting for elaboration. 

“You know, it’s different from Spanish,” he tried to fend for himself.

“Is it really?” George said incredulously but his smile showed in his eyes. 

“Fuck off, man.” it was Quackity’s turn to roll his eyes.

George scoffed but backed off, seeing that Q wasn’t in the mood for continuing the conversation. That was why they were close; they gave each other space. George was the first person to respect Quackity’s boundaries and Quackity loved him for that. However, on the other side, George never knew when it was the time to push further and find out if his friend was actually okay. Quackity never held him responsible for dealing with his own issues so he never made a big deal out of it. Of course, in his turn he was always there for George, whenever he had any troubles with Dream or his parents, or even just himself, Quackity was there. They were similar in the way of always questioning their own value but Quackity was the only person obtaining that knowledge. He didn’t want to burden George, or anyone for that matter, with the issues he knows he wouldn’t be able to help with. 

It wasn’t all bad, it was a little bit of healthy criticism towards himself, physically as well as mentally. George was awesome and great and beautiful, and Quackity enjoyed reminding him of that. He held to his own thoughts however, being afraid that George wouldn’t be able to say the same back to him. Maybe he would but Quackity preferred not to risk it. 

“Q, you good?” George’s voice perked up once again. Quackity turned, looking to the side instead of the teacher, not really looking George in the eyes. 

“Yeah, why?”

Quackity wasn’t quiet around people. He was the extrovert after all. He was the one whispering to his friends in the middle of a class and he was the one joking around in the cafeteria, trying to get all the attention he could. What his friends didn’t know though, was the fact that he felt guilty for wanting that attention. 

With George, Quackity was more or less himself and he didn’t have to talk if he didn’t want to. It was a good thing that he knew that George liked him enough not to ask him to be the “entertaining” guy whenever George would want him to be. But, Quackity guessed, something made George notice that he was off today. 

“I’m not sure, your silence is just louder today,” George provided. 

“What does that supposed to mean?” Quackity smiled a little bit, trying not to worry about the fact that even George noticed that something was wrong. 

George wasn’t great at reading people. Sapnap was usually the one that saw that something wasn’t good with Q. But Sapnap wasn’t here and George was and it wasn’t hard to convince George that Quackity was alright. 

George shrugged, frowning a little bit and having a small, confused smile on his face. 

“George, stop. You’re being cringe with all your worry,” Quackity laughed. “I’m good.”

The other clicked his tongue at the comment but didn’t say anything else. Quackity internally relaxed. 

***

 “Whatcha doin’?” Karl asked, leaning on Quackity’s back, peaking from behind his shoulder at the same time. 

Quackity looked away from his phone, looking Karl in the eyes. He was feeling better today, he even felt his cheeks blooming from the proximity. Last night he had to pick up on all of his distraction tactics to keep himself away from the thoughts that followed him throughout the day. But today he was better. 

“It’s a game,” Q said. “You play rounds and earn stars that you later use to build a house,” he blinked. Karl blinked back at him. “You even get to style everything in the house. Pretty cool.”

“Pretty cool,” Karl agreed, smiling brighter at him. 

He pushed himself off of his friend and turned to Sapnap that just walked in. They were in his and Quackity’s dorm room. They had to switch recently, since George and Dream decided that they now wanted to share a room. It wasn’t a big deal but if Quackity feared that George didn’t actually like him this didn’t really help his case. He decided to ignore that for the time being. Sapnap was cool, they were friends. Sapnap’s boyfriend Karl was cool, they were also friends. For a while now, actually. It was just suddenly hard to have four of his friends dating each other. He felt out of place most of the time and this current situation didn’t help at all. He decided to keep quiet anyway. He became used to believing that he shouldn’t take too much of people’s attention, even if he wanted it. 

“Hi boys,” Sapnap greeted, flopping down on his bed. Karl soon joined him but kept space between them.

He did, however, grab Sapnap’s hand and squeezed it as if saying hello. 

“What’s up, Sapnap?” Quackity smiled at him before turning back to his phone where it was laying on the desk. 

“Nothing much, how are you doing?” Quackity paused at the other’s words, his vision unfocusing from the phone. 

“Good, why?” he chuckled, trying to carefully think why Sapnap would wonder about his well-being. 

“No reason,” his roommate answered, now sounding just slightly confused. 

Quackity could see him and Karl share a look, without actually turning to look at the bed. 

Okay, he might’ve fucked up. Yesterday, he thinks, Sapnap was also worried. Maybe it was because Quackity had a breathing session (it was subtle, okay?) and a longer shower than usual. He also might have drawn on his arms. Nothing special, just stars and a paper airplane, a smiley face. But even though he might have thought that he was subtle, he didn’t actually get any work done and he hasn’t eaten, so of course Sapnap had noticed. As Quackity already said, Sapnap was the best out of them to read him. That was the tiny down part of them now sharing a room together. George would notice but he was already used to this kind of behavior. It wasn’t a big deal, Quackity didn’t have to explain it to George. But Sapnap would want an explanation. He wanted one last time. 

Sapnap told Karl about his worry earlier this day and Karl decided to come by and hang out with them. Right now, with all three of them sharing the small space of the dorm room, they sat quietly for a second, Quackity had to make himself focus on the game again.

“Do you guys wanna do anything today?” Karl spoke up. “We could go have dinner together.”

“Yeah, we could. Q?”

Quackity turned his phone off and put it back on the desk. 

“Sure,” he said, simply. 

Quackity wasn’t quiet around people. He wasn’t quiet around his favorite people either, just George sometimes. Quackity was the sun, his smile was bright and his jokes were ridiculous and he wasn’t quiet. So Sapnap was worried, Karl was too, but they didn’t want to jump into conclusions. After all, they all were freshman and they all just got to experience living with each other and it all was simply a new level to their friendship.  

“We could get MacDonald’s!” Karl was grinning now. Quackity smiled at him, genuinely, standing up from his chair. 

“Again, Karl?” Sapnap whined. 

“It’s the diet coke, Sap,” Quackity said, laughing. 

“The man knows me.” 

The three of them were smiling, on their feet, ready to go out. Quackity grabbed his wallet and his hoodie. When the other two were already out, Quackity looked at the mirror and fixed his beanie, frowning at his own reflection. He heard the voices of his friends that were waiting for him at the door and he sighed. He could be happy for them. He could be energetic, even if he would kinda be third wheeling. 

***

The only soulmarks you could get were red flowers that appeared wherever your soulmate got a cut. It couldn’t be any other injuries but it could be any kind of a cut. You also get to feel what your soulmate is feeling in the moment but you never know what kind of a cut it is unless you already know your soulmate personally. Another thing is that you don’t experience the pain that your soulmate does.   

Knowing all of this, Quackity was hiding in a locked bathroom. He thought of his friends and how they found out that they were soulmates. He thought of how George fell off cobblestone stairs and cut his hand open when trying to catch himself. He thought of Dream looking at his own hand with wonder after helping George up. He also thought of the time Karl cut his finger when slicing apples for them on one evening. He thought of Sapnap staring at him and his finger in turn. His friends were happy and he was happy for them. 

He thought of the fact that soulmates can’t find out what the cut was from and how they don’t feel the pain. He thought about how he still avoided any harm threatening his body for a while now. He would get small cuts and scratches anyway but it wasn’t like he minded the pain. However, he was afraid of accidentally finding his soulmate before he was ready. Before he was good for them. 

But today was a bad day; he spent it with Dream but it wasn’t bad because of his friend. They were just studying in the library on a Saturday for their upcoming social studies test. Quackity was out of it, though. He was distracted and shaking. Dream noticed but Quackity didn’t give him an answer to why. He was sinking in his thoughts and he was feeling guilty for doing so. 

This whole week has been just him being out of it and his friends noticing and him not being able to satisfy them with an answer. All of them asked, including Bad, but he just turned the conversation to another topic. Even Wilbur, his other friend, asked him how he was doing on one occasion. Instead of a regular “what’s up” it was more of a worried and cautious “are you doing alright, buddy?” kind of thing. 

So yeah, he was in the bathroom. He felt like at this point cutting was the only thing that would bring him some sort of relief. It wasn’t necessarily true that it would help but Quackity remembered how it felt before. And this time he was willing to take the risk just to feel something other than painful guilt and hate towards himself. 

He had a jackknife hidden in the bathroom somewhere and he didn’t even remember where but as soon as he started looking for it with blurry eyes it was there, under the sink, tucked closer to the wall. 

When he got the blade out his breath hitched but he felt confident in what he wanted to do. As confident as he could be, considering that his hands were trembling and the tears finally started falling down his face. Even when the blade was already on his wrist, deep cut appearing and blood spilling, Quackity was thinking about how to make it less suspicious for his soulmate. But when the first cut was staring back at him, he couldn’t resist adding another one. 

When three cuts were gracing his wrist, there was a knock on the door and Quackity heard himself going completely silent. Another thing he learned how to do in his previous years. Completely silent, almost no breathing, tears had stopped and the panic had risen. 

This was their dorm bathroom, the closest to his room. Someone just wanted to use the bathroom, someone that probably knows him because this is his floor. Quackity cursed in his head. Okay, okay, he just had to wash up his face, get rid of any evidence and hide the knife. Or take the knife with him. But wash it first, yeah, of course, he’s not stupid. Quackity got up from where he was sitting on the floor and walked to the sink, letting the cold water sting and wash away the blood on his wrist. Quackity cleared his throat and looked at the door, not moving.

“One sec!” he was glad his voice sounded somewhat normal. 

“Quackity? Hey, I’ve been looking for you. Can we talk?” he heard George’s voice. 

“Uhm, bro, I’m literally occupied right now,” Quackity tried to make himself sound as if he was smiling but even trying to do that made him cringe and look back at his cuts. 

His cuts that were now covering old scars. Quackity wasn’t cutting since Summer and now the streak started over again. He felt regret bubbling in his stomach. Guess it didn’t help that much after all. What does he do with the George situation? Of course, he has his hoodie, because he never wears short sleeves, not around people. But no matter how much George tries to avoid heavy topics, he isn’t stupid and he will notice Quackity’s red eyes. 

“Yeah, uh. Okay, do you mind if I’ll wait in your room?”

Quackity stared at the door intensely, slowly relaxing. 

“Okay, yeah, just wait there.”  

So yeah, the knife is staying in the bathroom, I guess. Quackity searched the room for any bandages or patches but didn’t find any. Okay, tough luck. At least from all the panicking he stopped crying. Now with his hoodie on and cuts covered, the only evidence of what happened was his face. Quackity quickly washed with cold water and stared intensely, again, at his own reflection, frowning. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he whispered. 

He stayed in the bathroom for another five minutes in order to let himself calm down and look more presentable. Maybe it was ten actually, he didn’t really know. But when the knife was hidden and Quackity was walking back to his room, he saw Karl and Sapnap already entering. He stopped in his tracks only to continue walking a second after. 

When he himself entered the room, he saw Sapnap and Karl looking at George, while the latter was explaining what he was doing there. 

“-gotta talk to him, I’m worried.”

They turned to see him standing in the entrance. Quackity was hoping to brush off George’s worries and take a nap, since he was now exhausted. The way they looked at him though made it seem that just brushing off their worries wouldn’t work out. He gave them a little wave and walked to his side of the room, grabbing a water bottle and downing whatever was left of it. 

“Q?”

“What’s up?” he asked, hopefully with no strain in his voice. 

The three of them shared a look before turning back to Quackity. 

“What?”

George walked up closer to him, worry evident in his eyes. He held onto his wrist, trying to turn Quackity away from the other two but the latter winced and pulled his arm back, stepping away from George. He almost started hyperventilating again, especially after looking at George’s face. He was frowning but he didn’t question it, just stepped closer. 

“Your eyes are red,” he whispered. 

“Huh?” Quackity tried not to look panicked. He knew that George would notice but he thought that it would be just the two of them and they would be able to just drop it. “It’s okay, I’m fine. Just tired,” he added seeing that Sapnap and Karl were looking at them. 

“Yeah, Dream told me that you looked stressed out,” George sighed, closing his eyes for a second. “Quackity, you have to tell me if anything is wrong, yeah?” 

“Everything is fine, George. Stop worrying so much.” they were still talking in hushed voices, even though Karl and Sapnap could probably still hear them. 

“This isn’t ‘much’, Quackity, this is the first time I’m actually asking you to tell me what’s going on. You’ve been avoiding talking whole week and I didn’t push because I thought you would tell me whenever you felt like you were ready, or whatever.”

Quackity looked back at Karl and Sapnap, when George started raising his voice, meeting Karl’s eyes. 

“He’s right, big Q,” he said. “You’ve been avoiding spending time with us and you’ve been oddly quiet.”

Quackity rolled his eyes. Being frustrated in front of them is better than being broken down. He pushed past George and walked to his bed, trying to find at least a little bit of comfort. He sat cross-legged and looked at the ceiling, letting out a sigh. 

“Okay, spit it out big guy,” Karl spoke again. “I’m a bit out of it, too but I want to know that you’re okay.”

“What’s up with you two?” Quackity asked instead. “Sapnap hasn’t talked at all yet.”

Sapnap was looking at him, brows furrowed, almost pouting. Then he looked down, his gaze finding his own wrist. Karl reached out and held his hand. They looked at each other, having a whole conversation in complete silence. Quackity felt bad for drifting the attention on to them but it was better than actually telling not one but three of his friends what was going on with him. If he knew what was wrong himself maybe he would tell someone. Otherwise, wouldn’t it be bad of him to throw his problems at his friends but not be able to explain why he is feeling the way he is? George sat on Quackity’s bed, keeping some safe distance between them and eyeing him cautiously. 

“If we tell you what’s going on with us, will you tell us what’s going on with you?” Karl asked, his voice suddenly shaky and quiet. He looked up, meeting Quackity’s eyes again. 

Logically speaking, no matter what they offer, Quackity shouldn’t let them know about his issues. He could sugarcoat it as he used to. But would he lie to get an answer from two of his friends? Quackity wasn’t a bad person. But he wants to know and he doesn’t want to share. 

“I don’t know,” he answered truthfully. “I- I, uh, don’t know if you actually want to know. I don’t think you would want to know.”

And if that didn’t raise his friends’ suspicions. 

“Quackity, I swear to god, if you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I will move to this room and I will follow you around until you do, okay?” George spoke, harshly but anxiety was evident in his voice. 

Quackity felt tears pricking in his eyes again. He sighed.

“Okay, if you tell me what’s up, I will, too.” 

Karl and George smiled softly at him, Sapnap was sternly looking at Karl’s hand in his. Then Karl let out an exhausted breath and looked down to the floor. He sat a little closer to Sapnap. Quackity tried not to think about it too much.

“So, you guys know how me and Sapnap are soulmates, right?” he started, getting confused nods from both George and Quackity. “Okay, yeah, it’s simple right? There’s two of us and we are soulmates. But, uh- we were together today for lunch and just now, like, maybe 20 minutes ago we both felt our soulmate connection open but neither of us had cut ourselves and we both have the flowers now.” 

Quackity stared at them, pursing his lips into thin line. George next to him had his mouth slightly agape. Sapnap let out a shuddered breath. So, this could only mean that there’s a third person, right? Quackity thought back to himself. Twenty minutes? It can’t be right. 

“Twenty minutes?” he heard himself asking.

Karl looked at him, confused, still looking scared and nodded. 

“Can you show m- us?” Quackity said, looking to George, not being able to look at Karl’s reaction. 

Karl stuttered but then looked at Sapnap as if asking for his opinion. Sapnap still hasn’t said anything. After a few minutes of awkward silence, Quackity thought of taking his words back and apologizing. As soon as he opened his mouth, though, Karl pulled up his sleeve. It had three overlapping red dahlias. Quackity audibly swallowed, his whole body flinching at the idea that he might’ve put those flowers there. But how would that be possible? Can one have two soulmates instead of one? In either case, the flowers were in the exact same spots Quackity remembered leaving his cuts on. He started breathing heavily again, the feeling of oxygen not getting through to his lungs capturing his whole body. Everyone’s eyes snapped to him when they saw his hand coming up to hold on to his own throat. 

Karl was going to say something else, as well as George as it seemed, but Quackity let out a sob, just now noticing that he was crying again. Well, now he certainly fucked up. There was a silence that lasted for no longer than a few seconds and then Quackity felt George’s arms on his shoulders, saying something. Sapnap and Karl also moved up to him, Sapnap sitting on the bed on the other side than George and Karl joining them on the floor in front of Quackity. The latter may or may not have been having a panic attack. Finding out that he had not one but two soulmates and that he just majorly fucked up by cutting himself would do that to you. 

He couldn’t look up because of the guilt he felt but he grabbed onto the closest arm around him, at the same time feeling someone pull at his other arm to disconnect it from his neck. Quackity winced again, trying to pull away from that person. A small sting of pain flushed through his body and he almost chocked on his own spit in fear of them seeing his cuts. 

Someone lifted his face by his chin and now he was looking at Karl who apparently was also crying. He looked at his lips trying to understand what he was saying. 

“Alex, breathe with me please,” he tried smiling but it was wobbly and weak. 

Quackity nodded starting to breathe in and out in slow motions, together with Karl. When he slightly calmed down, he noticed that his left arm was pressed against him in fear of anyone seeing it and with his right hand he was holding onto George. 

“Good, good.” Karl said. “Now listen to me, okay? Don’t listen to the stuff going on inside of your head. You’re with us right now.” Quackity nodded along, trying very hard to calm down but the overwhelming feeling of guilt didn’t want to leave him. However, he tried to think about what Karl had said instead. How did he know what Quackity was thinking about? “You’re with me, Sapnap and George. We’re in your dorm room and we’re all safe. You don’t have to worry about going through anything alone, okay? All three of us, as well as Bad and Dream, are gonna be here for you, do you hear me?” even when sounding confident in what he was saying, Karl started letting out small noises that indicated that he was now fully crying. 

When Quackity realized he was not going to talk anymore, he let out a breath and nodded again. He tried saying something but it got caught in his throat. But he was okay. His breathing calmed down and he could properly hear now. His vision, still blurry, has started focusing on his surroundings, trying to comprehend the situation he got himself in. 

“I’m sorry- ” he started in a whisper but was shushed immediately. 

He saw George holding his hand, having his other arm wrapped around Quackity’s shoulders and he saw Sapnap keeping his hand on Quackity’s left knee. Quackity then slowly let his arm fall down as he covered Sapnap’s hand with his own. Karl wasn’t touching him, still in front of the bed, looking up with such concern that Quackity’s heart panged. 

He felt himself starting to breathe normally and he opened his mouth in another attempt to speak.

“I’m really sorry,” he said with more strength in his voice. “I wasn’t doing great this whole week and I promise I tried getting over it and not thinking too much about it but it just wouldn’t go away. I didn’t want to make anyone worry for me, especially because it’s not worth it considering that I’m not dying or anything. So, I was brushing it off until it became too much and I- ” he abruptly fell silent, feeling the chokehold on his throat appear again. 

He felt both of his hands being squeezed as well as one of Karl’s hands appearing on his calve. 

“I think I might be your soulmate?” he said quietly, hoping that admitting to it would fix everything or rather hoping that this was just a bad dream. “Please don’t hate me, I just didn’t know what else to do, I’m not the one to go and talk to people, I never know how to do that,” he continued talking quietly, telling himself that if he starts crying for the third time today, he would never be able to let go of the embarrassment. So he squeezed his eyes shut. 

He felt Sapnap and Karl going still next to him and was too afraid to see their expressions. He unintentionally pressed closer into George’s side. With all of the traumatic experience he has, he never was this scared of what someone would think of him. In high school he didn’t even care who would see his scars, nor his cuts. But college was a new start for him, he didn’t use self-harm to cope for almost a year and now he was at square one. Now he relapsed back and he wasn’t sure if he would be able to restart his progress. 

“Alex, can I see your wrist?” Sapnap asked, speaking for the first time since Quackity walked into the room. Quackity, though surprised, looked up to him, challenging his gaze. “Please?”

Quackity started shaking his head. Admitting to it was one thing but letting them see how awfully low he is was different. How could he if there was a possibility of his friends, his soulmates, leaving him behind after this. Not that he didn’t deserve it. But if there was an even small chance of preventing it, Quackity would try his best. His head instinctively snapped when he felt Karl’s hand squeezing his leg. 

“Don’t think about it. If you’re not sure about something, ask.” 

“Y- won’t you guys leave me if you see… how low I am?” he spoke quietly and unsurely but his eyes were locked with Karl’s.

George knew about Quackity’s tendency to cut himself. Or, rather, he found out about it several years back when Quackity had another long period of successful avoidance of that wish. George believed it was in the past. George believed that since Quackity told him last time, he would again whenever it came back to surface.  Yeah, all three of Quackity’s friends might feel guilty for not noticing but George felt as if it was his responsibility to be aware of what was going on with his best friend. He was supposed to keep him safe, right? That’s what he told himself back then. Apparently, it was stupid of him to think that he was enough. 

But after hearing Quackity’s words, George felt a bit of anger spark inside of him. 

“You promised that you would talk to me about this,” now the only one not crying was Sapnap. “Q, three years ago we had an agreement.”

Karl and Sapnap had no idea what George was talking about but Quackity let out a heavy sigh with closed eyes. 

“You thought I was better, especially since I moved away and I really didn’t want to disappoint you,” opening his eyes, Quackity turned to George. “If it helps anything, this was the first one in almost a year, so it’s not drastic or anything.”

Exhaustion creeped on him and he was no longer stuttering, feeling like this was the time to get over this situation completely. Even if he didn’t think he would be able to hold himself away from sharp tools. 

“It is still drastic. I’m not disappointed, I’m mad.” 

Quackity would have apologized again but he started losing the point of it. 

“Alex?” Karl spoke. Quackity saw that him and Sapnap were conversating in silence again. “We would never leave you. It surprises me that you don’t know how much all of us care for you.”

It was a tough night that came in line after a tough week. Or a tough year, he wasn’t sure anymore. But he told his friends what he did and neither of their hands moved away from him. George said that he was mad but he still had his arms wrapped around Quackity. So he lifted his hand from Sapnap’s and disconnected his other from George’s. It took more power in him to lift a single sleeve than a normal person would expect it to. Only when doing so, Quackity noticed that the sleeve was slightly sticking to his wrist. So the blood didn’t stop after all. He continued on, imperturbably. Not impressed. 

From the others, however, we heard gasps. At some point Sapnap carefully took his arm and aligned it with his own, which was now also bare of fabric. Three haphazard cuts were there with three beautiful red flowers, aligned and admittedly the same. Or at least as much as it was possible. 

Quackity was back to looking down, avoiding everyone’s eyes, ashamed and scared. And yeah, at this point he wouldn’t be let go of the embarrassment, as he felt wetness on his face again. He blamed it on the fact that he didn’t let himself cry throughout the week. Nevertheless, Sapnap seemed to cry now, too so Quackity decided that that would cancel out his own crying. 

Seeing Sapnap cry for the first time was heartbreaking. And crying Karl and George didn’t help the situation at all. 

“This is why we were confused about those other flowers, Sap.” Karl spoke up. 

Quackity made himself look up, questioning what has been said. 

“When we first got together we both wanted to ask the other about these cuts on wrists and thighs that we remembered from few years back. But neither of us could answer the question of where it could have come. At least now it makes a little more sense.” 

“Bullshit,” Quackity heard himself say. “I’m so confused right now. I had no idea there could be three-”

“I mean, yeah, me neither,” Karl let out a scoff. 

Quackity looked down to his hand now being intertwined with Sapnap’s. 

“Adding to what George said, I’m also angry, I can’t understand why you didn’t trust one of us, or all of us…” he said, holding tight onto Quackity. “That’s what I’m confused about. Are you okay? At least now?” his voice was strained but it had hope in it. 

“I’m okay now, I think I’m coming down from all the adrenaline so now I just feel tired.” Quackity whispered. He was still leaning on George. “And guilty and scared, too but less now.” 

“Don’t be scared to tell us, please. I’m dumb and I can’t really read people, and I’m scared of not being there for you.” George lifted his arm from Quackity’s shoulders and moved it to pet his covered hair. “I think I need to recharge as well as give you guys space to talk. Quackity, do you want me to keep quiet about this? I’m confident Dream will want to know how this conversation went.”

“I- uh,” Quackity blinked. “I would actually prefer you tell him because I don’t think I can do this again. But- are you leaving?” 

“Well, you just found your soulmates and you should talk to them. I’m gonna be back as soon as you let me. Which will probably be tomorrow. It’s okay, I trust that Sapnap and Karl will keep you safe.” 

Quackity smiled at him. There was no reason to say thank you, George already saw it in his expression. They sat up straight and after a second of hesitance, they hugged, tight. They didn’t hug often, George wasn’t a very touchy person but they did occasionally, and in those moments Quackity felt that George cared for him. Then George stood up and cautiously looked at Sapnap and Karl, maybe because he saw them in a new light now, too. Then he waved at them and walked out the door.

Quackity was left alone with his two soulmates and he had no idea what to do. Karl, however, acted quickly, taking George’s spot and turning to look at the other two. 

“I suggest we cuddle, then talk,” he whispered and opened his arms. 

All doubts went out of the window with Quackity falling into Karl’s open embrace, having Sapnap soon joining them. Once again, Quackity was thinking that this was why George was his best friend. George understood timing very well even if he didn’t always listen to what his gut was telling him. Quackity appreciated George but he knew the other was right when saying that he would have to talk to Karl and Sapnap first. After all, George already knew part of the story, so for him it was easier to leave Quackity to someone else than it would’ve been for Karl or Sapnap. 

But that was also worrying him. Quackity knew that no matter what, George also cared for him and he was feeling the guilt sinking in his stomach. George is probably going to cry more, too. Quackity felt himself becoming sick but there were arms wrapped around him making him remember that he was still worth his friends’ time. 

“I had a pretty toxic mom and she was the reason my dad left when I was about 14-ish,” Quackity started talking, startling himself as well as the other two. “And it’s weird cause she was good at times, especially in front of people,” he scoffed. “She didn’t excessively drink or smoke but she was- is, very manipulative. I know that she started relying on me more after dad left and sometimes I wasn’t able to take on such responsibility.”

At this point Sapnap and Karl scooted into more of a sitting position. They all were still cuddling and now the other two were looking at Quackity, with the latter staring at the wall above Sapnap’s bed. 

“I think I started hurting myself when I was 15? I don’t actually remember but yeah, it’s been a thing ever since. The longest I went without it was until now, about 10 or 11 months. I don’t actually like to remember the dates, makes me think about it more.”

It became quiet for several moments. Quackity was still sat in the middle and he felt Karl’s head come to a rest on his shoulder. 

“So would you say that it’s just a habit for whenever things get too hard?” Sapnap spoke quietly, as if trying to maintain the cautious atmosphere they created. 

“Yeah, generally. I think it’s obvious but it helps to numb anything that’s bothering me,” and after a moment, he added, “for a while at least.”

“What’s been on your mind, big guy?” Karl was speaking, his eyes closed now.

It suddenly became calmer. Maybe if not peaceful, the atmosphere was filled with tiredness and that made all three of them subside their other feelings. 

“Just stuff. I have- ” he lost his voice, thinking of what he wanted to say. 

“Take your time.”

“Yeah, it’s nothing big, really. I’ve been feeling guilty for cutting my mom off lately, especially because she keeps reminding me about it through text, uh. But also I don’t like worrying you guys so just feeling this way made me feel worse, aha. I feel bad for not opening up and I feel bad for- ” for being jealous over the two of you. 

He abruptly closed his mouth, as if catching the words before they were out. Quackity thought that he was jealous of what Karl and Sapnap had but he also knew that he had been pushing down all the other feelings he was having. Right now he felt safe and enjoyed the proximity with the other two. But he also enjoyed individual attention from either one of them. He’s sure he felt butterflies in his stomach before just from being close to one of them or from hearing a compliment. 

“What is it Quackity?” someone asked. 

“I felt bad for being jealous of all of you guys, because you found your soulmates and I felt like I didn’t deserve one,” Quackity blinked and panted from talking too fast. That was close enough to truth, right?

“Well, I disagree and it seems like the universe does also. You’ve got two soulmates now, which proves you wrong,” Karl logically stated. 

Sapnap nodded along with him.

“What does it mean, though? You guys have been together for how long now? I’m just gonna ruin your dynamic,” Quackity started closing in on himself again, suddenly feeling too hot and stuck in between arms that didn’t belong to him. 

He had to remind himself who he was with. 

“No way, dude. I think you already are a part of our dynamic. I mean, you’re with us most of the time and it never felt weird,” Sapnap spoke. Quackity was getting used to this contrast to Sapnap’s usually loud voice. “I haven’t talked to Karl about it but I kinda thought of that before.”

Quackity turned his head for the first time in like twenty minutes and looked at Sapnap, who was quickly reddening in face. 

“Huh?”

“What didn’t you talk to me about yet?”

“I- uh, Karl, I’m sure you thought about it, too,” Sapnap stated, avoiding eye contact. “I just didn’t want to bring it up because of the whole weird soulmate thing. I thought maybe you would disagree with me.”

Quackity felt himself blushing, too now. Karl still was thinking of what Sapnap meant. 

Oh god.

“Karl, look at me,” Karl did. Sapnap smiled a small smile. “I think that even before we found out that Quackity was our soulmate, we thought of asking him to be in the relationship.” 

Sapnap’s eyes widened and it seemed he, himself, was surprised by his honesty. 

“Ooh, uh- yeah. Definitely thought about that before,” Karl agreed, smiling sheepishly. “I can’t believe we didn’t talk about it still.”

“Oh god,” Quackity lifted his hands to cover his face. “What the fuck, guys? I can’t believe this. Did you do all of those things on purpose?” 

When glancing at the other two, Quackity figured they had no idea what he was talking about. 

“What?”

“You know- the things! Did you pretend to jokingly include me in the relationship? Don’t think I forgot how you lean on me, Karl! Or how you hold my hand whenever the three of us are walking, Sapnap.”

Quackity went off, blushing deeper but he felt victorious seeing that he made the other two blush as well. Karl started giggling at the same time that Sapnap groaned and hid his face in Quackity’s neck. Quackity shivered. That was something new. 

“I didn’t even realize but yeah,” Karl said. “So you’ve noticed those, huh? What have you been thinking about, big Q?” he was smirking now. 

“Shut the fuck up, you confused me so much. I suffered because of you!” Quackity went on with his dramatics. 

“Aw, poor baby didn’t know what to do with his feelings,” Karl continued, cooing. 

Sapnap snickered, watching them with amusement. 

“See, I told you, you were already in the dynamic.” 

Quackity turned to Sapnap. He suddenly felt loved. Not just a simple thought, trying to remind himself that it was worth living but an actual overwhelming feeling of belonging. He felt himself smiling. They accepted him. They forgave him for what he did. They were here for him. 

“So does that mean I’m in? Is there an initiatory rite or something?” he joked. Sapnap rolled his eyes at him but nodded anyway. “Does that mean I can have revenge on Karl by kissing you?” 

Quackity got to witness the best expression there was to Sapnap yet. His eyebrows raised and color returned to the whole of his face as well as his neck. He was sputtering and Karl was laughing behind them. They were still sitting very close to each other. Even though Quackity was the one to say it, he suddenly felt very unsure and started turning around but felt Sapnap’s hand on his chin, turning and pulling down quickly. Together with the surprise Quackity had felt, he heard Karl gasp and that made him smile. They kissed a little more passionately than they probably should have. Also, it has been Quackity’s first kiss so he wasn’t able to tell if he was doing any of it right. 

“Hey! Sapnap doesn’t kiss me like that!” Karl yelled separating them forcefully after a few seconds. 

“Yes, I do,” Sapnap rolled his eyes. 

Quackity started laughing, full heartedly, finally feeling the sadness leave him. Didn’t someone say that kissing helped boosting serotonin in your brain? Maybe that was what he needed. Sapnap was laughing too, leaving Karl alone and pouting at them. He pulled Quackity closer to himself and stared down at Sapnap.

“Okay, you don’t get to have him, now he’s mine.”

“Shut up, he’s ours.”

Instead of pulling back, Sapnap sat closer to the other two. At this point there was no way to get closer. Quackity was sitting on Karl’s lap and Sapnap was leaning on them. 

Of course, this didn’t fix all of his problems but Quackity felt like all of the bad thoughts left for good. They didn’t and there was a bunch of things to be done, the only one he could think of right now was talking to George. Maybe Bad and Dream, too? 

However, in this moment, laughing in his dim dorm room with his two soulmates, Quackity felt alive. He turned to see Karl behind himself and reached to pull his face closer to him. They kissed, slowly and smiling into each other. When they parted, Sapnap was smiling at them. 

“Fuck you, guys,” he said. 

***

It was Sunday. Sapnap, Karl and Quackity stayed on the bed they were the previous night. It wasn’t planned. They were talking and Quackity talked more about how he was doing and about his family. Sapnap asked about his scars, cautiously, and emphasized that he found flowers on his ribs and thighs before. Quackity explained that his mother was angry at him for the self-harm and that when she started checking his wrists, he switched to the parts of his body that were hidden from her. 

They cried a little more and they held each other tight. At some point, somewhere between talking about Karl’s obsession with diet coke and monster energy drink and watching funny videos on youtube, they fell asleep. And today Quackity’s bones were cracking from uncomfortable sleeping but otherwise he were happy. 

He woke up first. He checked his phone for time but saw George’s messages instead. Opening the message app, he tried to slide up the bed so that his arms wouldn’t be bothering his two soulmates. 

Gogy: Hey, good morning. Do you wanna meet up for lunch?

Gogy: It can be just us or it can be all six of us if you want.

Gogy: You don’t have to talk to anyone about what happened, just me. 

Gogy: I’m still waiting!

Quackity smiled, letting out a huff. Yeah, whatever. He lifted his other arm to the phone to type out a response, finally noticing that it was almost eleven in the morning. 

qUACKity: hey, dude

qUACKity: yeah, lets have lunch

qUACKity: u can invite dream and bad? karl and sap are still with me

qUACKity: just lucnh, right? I figured ud tell dream but i still dont wanna talk to anyone about it

Gogy: Didn’t you tell Karl and Sapnap, though? 

qUACKity: so?

Gogy: SIMP

qUACKity: fck off

Gogy: Nvm, let’s meet at 1?

qUACKity: if i can get the other two to wake up lol

Quackity fully sat up, receiving groans from Sapnap and Karl. As yesterday, he was in the middle, so his movement was able to startle the two. Quackity giggled. 

“Get up!” he yelled. 

Someone punched him in the stomach and he oomphed. Sapnap opened his eyes and stared up at Quackity, seemingly upset with the fact of waking up. Quackity brought his hands down, petting Sapnap’s hair with one and poking Karl with the other. Not long after though he rested the hand on Karl’s shoulder blade and just stared down at them. It was still weird. Amazing but weird. He got very lucky. 

“George is bringing Bad and Dream to lunch and I’m bringing you two,” he said, lowering his voice this time. “So you gotta get up, we’re meeting at one.”

“Why would you agree to such an early time?” Sapnap whined. 

“Because I am awake and ready to go.”

He heard Karl mutter something about him being crazy but he opened his eyes. They stared at each other for a few seconds and Karl smiled, finally sitting up. 

“Sleeping on this bed with two other people was a mistake,” he said. 

“I guess we’ll just have to get a king sized one at some point,” Sapnap agreed.

Quackity felt warm on the inside from the fact that this was actually a thing and they planned on having him in the relationship from now on. However, he had to use this situation to his own benefit. And pleasure. 

“Hold up, you didn’t even properly ask me! What is this?” he faked amusement. “What are you guys talking about, what king sized bed? For what?” 

At this point he was just mocking them. 

“Oh my god, Quackity.”

Quackity laughed at Sapnap. Karl turned to him, suddenly serious in the face and took both of his hands in his. Quackity gulped, unsure of what was happening. Karl was staring with such intensity that he started feeling nervous, even if he shouldn’t have. 

“Alex, will you marry me?” he asked, almost instantly bursting into laughter.

Quackity still reacted. He felt his blush appearing so he covered his face. Sapnap joined Karl and now both of them were laughing. First thing in the morning. Quackity smiled behind his hands but continued on with the antics.

“Honestly, how dare you use my name against me?” 

“Sorry, sorry.” Karl calmed down, gently smiling, looking at both Quackity and Sapnap. “Alex, will you be our boyfriend?” he asked, sounding genuinely this time. 

He spoke quieter and he looked embarrasses. He turned to Sapnap who just nodded, letting both Karl and Quackity know that he was in on this.

“Fucking cheesy,” Quackity muttered instead of giving an answer. Both of the other two shoved him. “Oh my goodness, calm down! Yes, I agree, where do I sign?” he started yelling again. 

The lightness he was experiencing was worrying and he was trying hard not to think about it. Thankfully, Sapnap and Karl didn’t give him time to think too much. They were all smiling at each other and Quackity fell back onto the bed, giggling.

“I can’t believe this is happening.”

“You better start believing, we have lunch to attend to,” Sapnap was the first one to get up from bed, cracking his joints. 

Karl leaned down to Quackity and pecked him before also standing up and going straight to his backpack. Quackity made grabby hands at Sapnap who was watching him, making the latter walk back to the bed. Quackity was adapting to the fact that he had both of these boys to kiss. He leaned up, quickly kissing Sapnap and falling back right after. Sapnap rolled his eyes at him, smiling. 

“I’m going to my room, I want to shower, too. I’ll come back by twelve.” Karl flipped his backpack onto his shoulder. 

Quackity just hummed in agreement, watching as Sapnap went to Karl to squeeze his hand and also kiss him. Quackity supposed they were all even now. 

The two that were left brushed their teeth together and changed together and Quackity felt loved again. This was usual routine but something was different. Or, rather, everything was different. At some point Sapnap made Quackity go to the showers as well, fully aware of the fact that he didn’t shower since Thursday. He didn’t have to be told twice. 

***

 When they left the dorms, Quackity’s hair was still damp and he was sleepy again, a four-hour sleep finally catching up on him. However, he was holding both Karl’s and Sapnap’s hand so he wasn’t suffering too much. As soon as they got to the cafe that has become their groups usual spot, they noticed that the others were already there. 

George noticed them and waved. Quackity waved back. When they were by their booth, however, both George and Dream stood up and gave Quackity a hug. And it wasn’t like that wasn’t normal for them, it just wasn’t often that they showed physical affection. Or any kind of affection at that point. So when Quackity turned to greet Bad, he noticed that the latter was looking at them, questioning what was going on. It felt a bit wrong, leaving just Bad out of the accident that happened yesterday but it really has been less than 24 hours and Quackity had no emotional power to discuss it yet again. 

So instead of addressing anything he just hugged him as well. Bad gave a small smile, hugging back and they all sat down afterwards. Turned out hugging your friends is actually very nice, Quackity noted. Hopefully, it’s okay to do that more often. 

They ordered pizza and they divided the check, giving George the money, deciding that he was “the mature one.” Jokingly, of course. Everyone knew that in reality George was a literal child at times. He rolled his eyes at his friends and fake laughed. It was a peaceful lunch. Sapnap, Karl and Quackity were the first ones to start eating, as they didn’t have breakfast, with Quackity having his last meal yesterday morning. 

There were a few glances thrown from George and Quackity was sure that he was thinking about the situation with Sapnap and Karl but all three of them felt like it was a topic for later discussion. All of them just wanted to spend time with their friends right now. So they kept quiet, Quackity scoffing at George, knowing that the latter would rather to bring it up at this point. But Quackity also knew that George was too respectful of boundaries. Especially at a time of relapse like this one. 

Quackity glanced down at his covered wrists and sighed. He almost forgot about that. Karl nudged his shoulder and Quackity looked up. 

“I want another milkshake,” he whispered, just for Quackity to hear. “Do you want one, too?”

And Quackity knew that Karl was distracting him, and he was grateful. He smiled and nodded, snickering. Of course Karl would be considerate, what the fuck. When he listed his eyes again, he noticed Sapnap looking at him from the other side of Karl. Oh. Maybe Sapnap was the one to notice. Since he always does. 

Quackity reached under the table and gave a squeeze to Sapnap’s knee. It wasn’t that far away from him and he only leaned on Karl a little. Nobody would question that. If they weren’t George, of course. The latter let out a small laugh and when Quackity was about to sneer at him, he saw a fond smile on the brit’s face. 

He smiled back rolling his eyes.  

(Later that day, him and George left the others, sat alone in George’s room and talked. There were tears and hugs, and honestly it was very nice. Don’t tell George that. 

And when Quackity was about to leave, Dream came in and asked to talk to him real quick. And nobody would find out but Dream’s support and concerning words made Quackity feel emotional again. 

Afterwards, he had two boyfriends to come to and cuddle with. And life seemed good.)