Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Ranboo, we’re on land now, you can get down from the crow’s nest.” Philza said with a raised brow, staring up at the boy in confusion.

“Phil. The ship is wet Phil, I’ll get wet feet.” The boy replied, clinging to the barriers like a lifeline.

“Yes, Boo, it’s a ship, we’ve been on the ocean for the past week, it’s hardly dry. Plus, you’ve got boots on. You’ll be fine.”

“What if I fall, Tubbo? Huh? What then? I will be covered in water and it will be terrible.”

“Ranboo, my beloved, get down here before I grind your femurs into a powder and snort them.” Tubbo replied with a sickly sweet smile.

“Jesus christ man ok, I need those.” Ranboo muttered, climbing down hastily, nearly slipping a few times before cautiously setting a foot down on the sodden deck, grabbing Tubbo’s shoulder in an attempt to stabilize himself. He looked a little ridiculous, given the height difference causing him to basically fold in half to lean on the younger, but it worked.

They were greeted at the dock by a very excited Tommy, waving his hand around in the air, showing the bright red rock he had in his grasp “Tubbo! Big man! I have found a ruby. ” He near-yelled, grinning wildly.

“Tommy, that is a rock.”

“A ruby. ”

Tubbo sighed, escaping Ranboo’s grasp to walk over to his friend, who, in response, held the ‘ruby’ up in front of his face. “That’s pegmatite.”

“What’s rule two?”

“Rule two is fuck off, I know more about this than you.”

“ Toob that is not rule two, you bastard.”

“He’s right, that’s pegmatite.” Tubbo jolted his head round at the new voice that suddenly spoke from behind him; pink hair that looked way too neat considering the sea breeze and salt water it was exposed to on a daily basis, stupid outfit he stole from a king a while back, yeah, that’s Techno.

“Where’re Wil and Niki, Techno?” Phil questioned, arms held casually in the pockets of his forest green coat.

Techno’s eyes scanned the beach that surrounded them, searching the rocks stood tall before turning to the forest on the other side, latching onto a path “Probably that way.” He replied, tilting his head in the direction of the path he had discovered.

“Mm, yeah that makes sense. Boys! Come on, we’ve got kings to steal from.”

~*~*~*~*~*~

The path winded on for what seemed to be an eternity, weaving through towering trees as it led the group to their destination.

“Tubbo!” Tommy whined, dragging out the last syllable as he turned on his heel to face the boy behind him.

“What?”

A beat passed.

Tommy screamed, at the top of his lungs, and something screamed back.

“What the fuck.” Tubbo whispered, shooting a confused look at Ranboo, who only shrugged and watched as Tommy kept on screaming louder and louder, evidently trying to out scream whatever was competing with him.

“Tommy? Are you ok?” A concerned Phil asked, hesitantly hovering his hand just above his son's shoulder.

“He’s having a screaming match, either he’ll prove himself louder or tear his vocal chords, there’s literally no other way this could end.” Wilbur explained, massaging his temples.

By this time the entire group had come to a halt, standing in a make-shift circle around the still screaming boy.

“I could strangle him, that would also work.”

“No murder before we arrive at the palace, Techno, you know the rules.”

Eventually, after what seemed like far too long for any human to scream like that, a bird flew from the tree behind them, and the screaming stopped.

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Wilbur, Niki, I want you getting resources from the nearby shops and stalls. Techno, Ranboo, get Tommy and Tubbo in and to the valuables, I’ll take care of the King. Clear?”

A chorus of “Aye Captain!” Rang out, and everyone dispersed to their assigned jobs.

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Wil, we still need food.” Niki said, glancing over at her friend, who was struggling to carry copious amounts of rocks, sand and various instruments in huge bags slung over his back.

“I have food, Niki, what do you think the sand is for?”

“That’s not food. I can’t cook you sand for dinner.”

“You can, you just don’t want to.”

“You’re right, I don’t, so let’s get some fresh food while we can. Unless you want to live off fish for however long it’s going to be ‘til we see land again after this.”

“We can live off sand and spite. Besides, food isn’t even real, it’s a hoax.”

Niki sighed, pinching her brow before heading off to get some actual food, sword in hand. Paying was never an option anyway.

~*~*~*~*~*~

“Ok. Ranboo, we’re going to distract the guards. What we’re looking for should be dead centre, so we just need to buy them time. Tommy, Tubbo, you got everything you need?” Techno questioned, voice low and calm.

“Yep,” Tommy replied, popping the ‘p’ “we’re all set. Let’s go kick some ass!”

“Preferably, Ranboo and I will be the only ones kicking ass, but if you must, you have my full permission.”

“I don’t need your ‘permission’ bitch boy. But thank you.”

“Can we uh, get going? Captain kind of needs us actually in place.” Ranboo interrupted, voice slightly unsure.

“Everyone clear on where they’re going?”

“Of course, Techno, we’ve been going over this for the past ten minutes.”

“It’s been five at most.” Techno corrected, shooting Tommy an exhausted glare before heading toward his place, motioning for everyone else to head to theirs.

Ranboo stood anxiously at the front gates, hands occasionally grazing the dagger hidden between his off-white button up shirt and his deep brown trousers. Techno stood a few metres to the left of him, back pressed against the wall, sword drawn and ready to fight. Tommy and Tubbo sat in a tree just to the south of the towering stone walls, prepared to start scrambling toward the top at any second.

Ranboo shuffled his feet, listening to the crunch as the loose rocks shifted against each other beneath his weight. He took a deep breath, steadying his shaking hands before walking up to the huge iron gates before him, running his fingers along the intricate patterns for a brief second, proceeding to shake them with as much might as he could muster.

Guards sprinted from round the corner, yelling demands at the top of their lungs, a few very nearly slipping. Swords drawn, they approached the boy, who now stood back, eyes wide.

“Name your purpose. Why are you here?” Guard one questioned, lifting their sword to a position that could easily kill the boy in a second. Ranboo looked down, meeting his own eyes as they reflected in the blade, slowly turning from their previous emerald green to blood red. He grabbed the dagger, pulling it from its hiding spot and along the skin of the guards arm, leaving a deep gash.

“⏃⊬⎍⌿.” He mumbled beneath his breath, grabbing the now bleeding arm before him and twisting it, only stopping when he felt something pop.

Techno saw this as his signal to step in, swiftly moving behind Ranboo, killing anyone who stood in his way.

“Do you think the guards are distracted?”

“I think they're dead, Tubbo.”

“Valid point.”

The two quietly climbed over the defences, ignoring the screams and faint metallic odour coming from the scene behind them. They were met with a huge garden, flowers and trees coating the floor like a carpet, only broken by ponds and a single path leading directly to the door.

“Tubbo, look, bees.”

“Mmm, yes, bees. Do they have vaginas?”

“What the fuck.”

Tommy pointed toward an open window to the east of the building “We could go in through there, it should be pretty close to where we need to be.”

“You sure you can get into it with what you’re wearing?” His friend questioned, glancing at the deep red, ruffled shirt and black trousers that the blonde adorned, neither of which looked remotely flexible.

“Of course I can, I’m the one and only Tommy Innit, The Wife Haver, the second best man ever.”

“Who’s the best?”

“Phil, obviously.”

“Of course, who else. But seriously, you sure you can manage that? It’s hardly an easy feat.”

“I’ll be fine, just watch,” Tommy yelled over his shoulder, already running toward the window, running his hand along the extravagant carvings on the exterior of the cold stone. He latched onto a statue of a woman doing the ancient dance of the ‘nae nae whip’, swinging on her arm and using the momentum to push himself onto the window and drop inside. “Told you. Now get your ass in here.”

“Mind explaining what you’re doing in my house, kid?”

Oh fuck.

Chapter Text

Hey, hi. Author here. So uh, I've been struggling to write this fic (along with some others) so it shall be on hiatus until further notice. I'm really sorry, I've just lost interest in it and have been struggling with mental health and writers block shit. If you want to read things, I'll be updating I hope it stays dark forever frequently and another fic that should be out soon. Thank you for reading, I shall see you later o7.