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Silence. Pure silence had never scared him so badly. He held his breath, afraid that if he disturbed the quiet, they would come for him. “Who?”
The sound of silence is terrifying…it was as if there was…nothing. And if you are nothing, you don’t even exist anymore. “It’s all your fault. You put yourself in this mess. You did this. You destroyed everything because you just had to have your perfect world, didn’t you?”
Shifting against the wall he tried to move his hand and froze. He could feel it, he could feel his arm there but…it wasn’t. They were gone and the pit in his stomach grew more, it grew like a seed ready to bloom and his airway closed as he stared down at empty sleeves where arms should be. But…he had to grasp ahold of it. He had to before it took away the rest of his sanity and he was left with nothing. Nothing but that pure silence that could cause him to break and shatter into a million pieces.
Where was everyone? Why was he alone trapped here in this dark hell? His eyes glanced around and a bright light blinded him, it was so bright…so bright and beautiful. “I have to reach it!” Desperation filled him as he moved forward. That light had to be here to save him, right? It had to be here to take him away, far away from this place so he could finally be free. Free of the silence that held him down crushing his entire being.
“Hari—"
He froze in place as the name echoed in his head. The images of Hari beaten and broken as he was dragged away and shoved into a car out of his reach. His throat felt raw as his mouth opened to scream, but nothing came out.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
Chisaki blinked and stared back into the grey eyes that were filled with curiosity, a small grin on his face as he held a coffee cup shaped like a pumpkin.
“Earth to Kai, anybody home?” Kurono reached out with his free hand waving it in Chisaki’s face.
“Stop that.” Chisaki huffed and grabbed Kurono’s wrist holding onto it tightly his hand trembling. “You’re really going to get that? Just because it’s October doesn’t mean we need everything in our kitchen to be fall themed.”
“You’re just jealous I found it before you.” Kurono chuckled and stepped forward. “Kai, you sure you’re okay? Your hands are shaking.”
“I’m fine.” Chisaki quickly let go of Kurono’s wrist dropping his hand by his side. It’s…still there.
“Let’s go get some lunch before we head back home, we haven’t eaten since early this morning. Your blood sugar is probably getting low.” Kurono shook his head. “Let me buy this and we can go, think of somewhere you want to eat.” Kurono turned around and headed to the front of the store carrying the mug with him.
“Where…I want to eat?” Chisaki mumbled to himself and slowly lifted his hands up staring down at them intently.
What had that been? It had felt so real…so real and terrifying. My dreams just keep getting weirder and weirder the closer it gets to my exam. He shook his head and walked to the store exit not a single idea what he was even craving for lunch. Honestly, he didn’t feel the least bit hungry. Stop worrying Hari so much, get your anxiety under control. You’ve studied for this for so long there’s no reason to be so damn nervous about Monday.
“Did you want to go to that pita place you love?” Kurono grinned as he met up with Chisaki outside of the store.
“Sure.” Chisaki agreed and they started walking down the sidewalk.
“Kai…are you sure you’re okay?” Kurono asked quietly and slipped his hand into Chisaki’s giving his hand a squeeze.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” Chisaki shrugged his shoulders but felt relief wash over him feeling Kurono’s hand in his. That always seemed to put him at ease, it was just so comforting.
“Are you worried about Monday? You’ve been working your ass off so I know you’ll pass the exam, you’ve excelled in your residency, don’t stress about it so much.” Kurono told him.
“I’m not.” Chisaki rolled his eyes a little.
“Hmm…is this about the patient you lost Thursday? It wasn’t the first time it’s happened but ever since then…you’ve been acting…off.” Kurono frowned.
“Like you just said, it’s not the first time someone has died on the table.” Chisaki stopped in front of the pita place and turned to look at Kurono.
“Well…I’m here if you want to talk about it Kai, always remember that.”
“Let’s eat, I’m starving.” Chisaki reached out for the door and pulled it open the darkness slowly enveloping him.
Wasting away. That’s what he was doing here. The only thought that kept echoing in his head was he had to fix the boss. He had to reverse the damage he had done. He was the only one that could…wasn’t he?
But they took that. They took it all away from him…so what could he possibly do now? He was useless. He couldn’t even properly care for himself if he wanted to. “I’m nothing…nothing that will eventually fade away.” He let his eyes close trying to block out the visions of his final battle.
It wasn’t supposed to end that way. It was supposed to be Kurono and him against the world. They had won, they had succeeded in everything he had dreamed of but somehow…it all fell apart. “How is he? Does…does he hate me now? He followed me without a single complaint but now…is he destroyed like me? No…I…don’t think about that.”
Don’t think. If only it were so easy but when you were locked away with only yourself the thoughts ate away at your brain and you rotted from the inside out. “I…don’t want to be alone anymore…”
“Kai?” Kurono yawned and Chisaki felt a hand press against his tear-stained cheek as he laid in the darkness of their bedroom. “You’re crying? What’s going on did you have another—”
“Don’t leave.” Chisaki’s voice was hoarse as he spoke quickly grabbing Kurono’s hand before he could pull away to turn on the lamp on the nightstand.
“I…I’m not going anywhere.” Kurono’s voice was quiet and he reached out wrapping his arms around Chisaki pressing himself against Chisaki’s body as they laid there in the quietness of the night.
“Do…do you remember when we first met?” Chisaki whispered feeling a few stray tears roll down his chin dropping onto the pillow under his head.
“I do, you broke both your arms at once.” Kurono chuckled and Chisaki felt the vibration against him. It was heaven. “I have to admit I was impressed that you climbed all the way to the top even if you lost your balance as soon as you reached me.”
“The stupid tree branch broke.” Chisaki mumbled. “But…I was annoyed you climbed that stupid tree every afternoon and just…sat there as if you were waiting for something. I got sick of watching you so…”
“You tried to reach me.” Kurono lifted his head up and peered down at Chisaki in the darkness. “Do you remember what happened after?”
“Hm…I woke up in the hospital?”
“Before that.”
“…I was unconscious what else would I be able to remember?” Chisaki scoffed a little.
“Well after I watched you fall down to the ground, I hurried down below to make sure you were still alive…you landed right on your stomach so I leaned down to try and see if you were still conscious and the first words you ever spoke to me were, ‘are you an angel?’ and then you passed out.” Kurono laughed.
“What? I didn’t say something so stupid.” Chisaki felt his face heat up and he looked away even though Kurono wouldn’t be able to tell in the darkness.
“You did, I promise.” Kurono continued to laugh and reached his hand out cupping Chisaki’s face.
“Whatever you say Hari, all I know is that’s what made me want to become a surgeon.”
“So you could fix yourself when you get hurt?”
“No.” Chisaki slowly looked back at Kurono. “It was so I could help the angel that saved me if they ever got hurt.”
The lamp suddenly snapped on and Chisaki looked at Kurono’s bright red face as he stared at Chisaki in bewilderment. “You—you just said you didn’t remember!”
Chisaki smiled and reached out grabbing Kurono’s wrists pulling him back down on top of him pressing his lips to Kurono’s ear. “What can I say Hari, I fell pretty hard for you.”
“Stop making me embarrassed! This is supposed to be about you and why you were crying in your sleep.” Kurono pouted and buried his face in Chisaki’s neck.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Chisaki hummed and wrapped his arms around Kurono refusing to let go for the rest of the night.
Who was he again?
The slit in the door opened and his eyes glanced over seeing the tray being slid through it and then it closed again.
That’s right…he was nothing. Nothingness was better than the memories, than the pain and regret he felt if he thought back to those days.
How much time had passed? There was no telling day from night, there was nothing here and he had slowly become nothing. Nothing more than a broken mind, a broken man. No repairs could fix him. Nothing could save him anymore.
“Just let me…become nothing.”
Chisaki reached out and wrapped his arms around Kurono as he was about to leave for work stopping him from reaching the door. He pressed his forehead against his back and let out a shaky breath. It was Wednesday, he had passed. He had succeeded in everything he had worked so hard for but…but he was still plagued by these nightmares.
“Kai?” Kurono questioned unable to move from how Chisaki held onto him.
“Do…do you ever have dreams…of a life before this?” Chisaki spoke quietly almost as if he didn’t want Kurono to hear him. That was wishful thinking, Kurono always heard him.
“A life before you?” Kurono tried to wiggle free of Chisaki’s grasp and finally Chisaki let go letting him turn around to face him.
“Before…all of this…”
Kurono stared at him intently and for the first time in Chisaki’s life he couldn’t tell what Kurono was thinking as he stared at him and bit down on his lip, something he only did when he was nervous about something he didn’t want to tell Chisaki.
“Hari—”
“Sometimes…I have dreams of a world completely different from this…a world where…we were separated by something we did. But it’s not real you know?” Kurono forced a smile across his face. “None of that is real Kai, what we have here is real though and that’s what you should focus on. Not those crazy dreams that keep haunting you.”
“Then…you have had them?”
Kurono just smiled and leaned forward. “I’m serious Kai, you should focus on what’s real. You’re going to start going crazy if you keep pondering over your dreams. And I hate to break it to you but right now we cannot afford to get you therapy.” He joked and slowly pressed his lips against Chisaki. “I really do need to get to work…are you going to be okay today?”
Chisaki stared at him and finally gave him a nod. “I’ll be fine, maybe I’ll even cook dinner for you tonight.”
“Well wouldn’t that be a lovely surprise.” Kurono laughed. “Just give me a call if you need anything.”
“I will.” Chisaki agreed. “Have a good day at work.”
“I’ll do my best.” Kurono grinned and opened the door.
He opened the door and the blinding white light overtook Chisaki and he ran forward towards it. Wanting to reach out, needing to reach out and stop him. He had to stop him before it was too late but when he reached out…there was nothing.
His arms were gone and as he ran out of the jail cell reality came crashing down around him. “It was all…it was all a dream…?” The silence finally disappeared. A crackling of static and then everything was loud. So damn loud and all Chisaki could hear were explosions, people yelling, and footsteps pounding on the ground.
“Let’s go!”
The voice took him by surprise and as he turned his gaze towards the woman and his entire body shook to its core. It had all been a lie, a lie his brain had fabricated to keep him company, to end his torment of the life he was stuck in.
“We’re getting out of here!” Her arm wrapped around him and started dragging him forward leading him out of Tartarus.
He didn’t protest, he let her drag him away. Let her help him out of the hell he had been trapped in for far too long. Slowly he turned his head back and looked at his cell as they ran away.
Sadness, pain, so many emotions poured out of him as he thought back on the life he could have had. The life he could have had with Kurono. The happiness and joy he could have felt if they had only been born in another world.
A world far, far away from here.