Chapter Text
It was the last day of 2016 and Buck’s life was going nowhere.
He thought about four years ago when he had read that stupid letter from his sister telling him to go find the thing that made him happy. To find the people that would make him feel loved. She had told him to go find his place in the world.
Well, it was four years later and Buck was still empty-handed. He hadn’t found the thing that made him happy. Sure, seeing the country was great. The memories of driving along endless highways with the windows of the Jeep down would live with him forever. But all he had really found along the way were odd jobs, new skills, and some funny stories to tell down the line. He hadn’t found his place. He hadn’t found his people.
He had thought that following Connor and his friends back to LA would’ve brought him closer to that. After all, Connor had said they were like a family. What he had really meant was that they were like a frat house; They got drunk together, they partied together, they surfed (both for waves and partners) together. But they weren’t a family, not in the way Buck had been looking for.
Then, Buck had thought a job would find his place in the world. But without a college degree and barely passable grades in high school (because while he liked learning, Buck hated tests, especially when the knowledge had no real-world use), finding a job was tough. He always had bartending to fall back on, but he partied enough with his roommates, he didn’t need to do it for work. So, he looked for something physical, since he was a bigger guy after all. And then he had found the SEALS. Instant brotherhood, right?
Wrong. The SEALS were all cerebral. It was all about using your head over your heart. About taking the shot no matter what. About being a machine. And Buck wasn’t a machine. He cared, sometimes too much for his own damn good. So, that hadn’t worked either. Buck was still lost in the world, with only a Jeep and memories to prove it.
“Yo Buck!” Connor burst into his room, reeking faintly of beer and pot. Buck, who was lying on his bed, barely lifted his head to take in his roommate’s already tipsy demeanor. “Dude, are you sleeping? Let’s go! It’s four hours to midnight.”
“You go without me,” Buck said, waving off Connor. “I think that leftover sushi did me in.”
“Aw damn,” Connor said with a slight laugh. “Told you not to eat it. Barf in Brian and Mack’s toilet, alright?” And then Connor was leaving the room, shouting to their other roommates. Buck sighed, closing his eyes. The heavy pounding of the music from the living room stopped, shouts replacing it instead. But quickly, those shouts started to fade, as footsteps pounded down the steps and down the concrete sidewalk beyond his windows.
Once the house was eerily silent, he sat up. He didn’t feel like ringing in the new year. After all, what was 2017 going to bring him? Just more of the same failures of 2016? No thank you.
He didn’t need anymore failures.
It was the last day of 2016 and Eddie felt like his life was falling apart. He was living in a state far away from most of his family. He wasn’t a soldier anymore, since active duty in the military wasn’t an option, between the army feeling like he needed more time to heal from his injury and Eddie trying to be a better husband and father. And while he could argue that he was being a better father, he was absolutely failing at being a better husband.
When he had come back from Afghanistan, he had promised Shannon that he would do better, that he would be better for both her and Christopher. And things had been okay for some time. Until Shannon’s mother had gotten worse. They had spent nights yelling and crying at each other over the situation. Shannon’s mother needed more; she needed help, and she couldn’t afford that help. So, the only option was for Shannon to move to Los Angeles to care for her mother.
So, the option for Eddie had become go with and try to save his marriage, or stay behind and face the idea of divorce.
Of course, all that felt moot now as he stared at the papers in front of him. Things had been okay at first. Sure, Eddie’s parents had been furious when all three of them had moved to Los Angeles. Months later, Eddie still barely spoke to his parents, and if he did, it was for barely five minutes and only about Christopher. He did have his Abuela and Pepa nearby, but he wasn’t trying to force them to choose a side in all of this. But other than the family issues, things had been okay. Christopher loved California and especially the beaches. And on the days when all three of them went to the beach, everything felt fine.
But then there was the arguing. Then there was the awkward tension. Then there was the need to make everything feel like it was fine when their son was around, even though he was four and didn’t seem to notice that anything was wrong. But Eddie was trying. He was trying to make everything work. That was why he and Christopher had moved to California with Shannon. He didn’t want their marriage to end in failure.
Of course, failure was staring him in the face, in the form of divorce papers.
“This is the right thing to do, Eddie.” He looked up at Shannon, who was standing on the other side of the kitchen, arms crossed over her chest.
“Shannon.”
“We’re both miserable,” Shannon said with a sniff. “You can barely look at me somedays. And I know you don’t mean to, but I think you resent me for your parents being mad at you, since the move was my idea.”
“I don’t resent you,” Eddie said softly, glancing up at her. Shannon sniffed again, scoffing a little. “I don’t. I just...I thought we were going to make this work.”
“We’ve tried,” Shannon said sadly. “But between your work and my mom, we never see each other. And when we do, we spend most of that time fighting.” Eddie stood up and crossed to her. Shannon kept her hands across her chest, so Eddie simply let his hands sit at her waist. “We’ll always love each other, but I don’t think we like each other anymore.”
“Shannon, please.” He couldn’t fail at this. He had uprooted his life and his son’s life to try and save his marriage. It couldn’t fall apart now.
“Christopher deserves better,” Shannon whispered. Eddie just sighed, letting his forehead rest against hers.
“I don’t want to give up on us,” He said softly. Shannons’ hands finally dropped to her side and Eddie wrapped his arms around her. He knew things had been tough between them, but this didn’t feel like the right choice.
“We’ve talked about this,” Shannon whispered. Eddie just sighed because yes, they had talked about their marriage over and over again. And Eddie always said he wanted to fight for their marriage, to fight for them. But he also knew how detrimental that could be to them and even more so to Christopher. Eddie nodded and took a step back. “I think we both just need a fresh start going into the New Year.”
Eddie walked back over to the kitchen table, staring at the papers. A part of him knew she was right. A part of him knew he needed to sign. After all, she had, her signature glinting off the page. But something was stopping him from doing so.
“Just sign them when you’re ready,” Shannon said as Eddie glanced at her. She walked over to him, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek. “I’m going to go stay at mom’s.” Eddie nodded, looking back at the divorce papers on the table. He felt Shannon’s hand on his arm before the echoing of the soft sounds of her footsteps. When he heard the door open and then close, he let his head fall. His marriage was on the brink of ending. He had moved all the way to California and they were still getting a divorce.
“Daddy?” He looked up, hearing Christopher’s voice. The four-year-old was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, his hand gripping onto the wall. When he teetered a little, Eddie found himself wanting to cross to the boy and help him. But Christopher’s tongue poked out, the boy focusing on slowly moving to him. Eddie smiled a little, crouching down as Christopher got closer. When the boy reached him, collapsing a little into Eddie’s arms, Eddie sniffed a little, fighting back tears. How would they still be a family if he and Shannon got a divorce? Would this be just another thing that would keep his son from feeling like he was normal?
“Daddy?” He glanced down at his son, seeing those curious eyes watching him. “Are you sad?”
“I just had a tough day,” Eddie said softly. Christopher nodded, looping his arms around Eddie and hugging him a little tighter. Eddie let his head rest on top of his son’s unruly curls, the four-year-old simply burrowing closer to him. Eddie pressed a kiss to his son’s head before standing up, scooping the boy up with him. “How about we go visit your abuela?” Christopher just nodded and Eddie smiled a little. “I love you, mijo.”
“I love you too!” The boy said, his arms wrapping around Eddie’s neck. And Eddie had to fight down the sigh that was threatening to bubble up as his son spoke. Because how could his son love him when he couldn’t keep his family together?
How could his son love him when he was a failure?
It was the last day of 2016 and two lost souls found themselves in a quiet dive bar, as the loud noises of the city celebrating New Year’s Eve buzzed around them. Most people chose loud, flashy bars with DJs and entrance fees and promises of champagne for New Year’s Eve. But both occupants of the dive bar preferred the quiet. They both didn’t need the added chaos when everything around them already felt chaotic.
Buck sighed as he fidgeted with the coaster under his beer. He knew, if he had gone with his roommates, that he probably would’ve been black-out drunk by that point, smushed in a crowd of people, with sweaty bodies pressed close to him in some drunken form of dancing. And Buck knew, had he gone, it would’ve taken his mind off things, at least for a little while. But he couldn’t keep running from his problems. He had been running for the last four years and he was tired.
He glanced around the tiny dive bar. It wasn’t too far from his apartment. He had seen it when he had first moved in and mentioned it to Connor, who just said it was a boring old guy’s bar. So, to Buck, that meant it was perfect for his current mood.
His eyes scanned the room. The bartender, a gruff looking guy with a thick Irish accent was standing at the opposite end, talking to a woman, who looked to be doing paperwork (he assumed for the bar, since Buck had seen her come from the back of the bar). There were two older guys, who had been there when Buck had arrived, talking quietly in the corner.
And then, there was the guy two seats down from him. He was the only person in the bar vaguely around Buck’s age, though he definitely had a more mature air to him. He had come in about an hour after Buck had shown up, head down and hands in his pocket. He had quietly ordered a beer and then had barely touched it. He seemed more interested in something in his hands that he kept playing with, while occasionally glancing up at the tv.
Buck looked over at the TV as well, seeing the coverage of New Years in Times Square, before finally speaking up.
“Do you think that’s any fun?” The guy looked away from his hands and towards Buck, raising an eyebrow. Buck just nodded towards the TV. “Being in Times Square on New Year’s Eve, do you think it’s any fun?” The guy pursed his lips, glancing from the TV back to Buck. His eyes narrowed and Buck half expected the guy to just pick up and leave.
“Doubtful,” He said finally. “Standing out there in the cold for hours? I’d rather be in a foxhole.”
“You serve overseas?” Buck asked, raising his eyebrow. The guy just nodded and Buck felt a pit starting to form on his gut, remembering his failure at joining the SEALS.
“Two tours,” He said with a slight sigh. “Probably didn’t need to do the second one, especially after it got me clipped in the shoulder.”
“Geez,” Buck said, taking a sip of his beer. He sighed and he felt the guy watching him. “I uh...I tried to join the SEALS. Dropped out before hell week.”
“Those guys are ruthless,” The guy said, finally taking a sip of his beer. “That’s why I joined the army. I was a medic.” Buck just nodded. “Much easier to save lives than take them.”
“Yeah.” They fell into silence, Buck’s eyes going back to the TV.
“I’m Eddie, by the way.” Buck glanced back at the brunette and saw he was holding his hand out.
“Buck,” He said, shaking Eddie’s hand. Eddie made a face and Buck chuckled. “It’s a nickname.”
“For?” Eddie asked and Buck smirked.
“Evan.” Eddie wrinkled his nose and Buck chuckled. “Yeah I know.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t really suit you,” Eddie said, glancing Buck up and down. Buck raised a challenging eyebrow and Eddie chuckled a little.
“And what does suit me?” Buck asked, lifting his drink.
“Not Evan.” Buck laughed before tilting his glass to Eddie’s. Eddie just nodded, clinking the glasses, before they each took a drink, Buck feeling more at ease than he had all day.
As the clock ticked closer to midnight, Buck and Eddie had found themselves moving, occupying the two barstools that had originally been between them. They had fallen into a comfortable silence after another bout of conversation, Buck watching the TV and Eddie fidgeting with had been in his hand the whole time.
“It’s a wedding ring.” Buck looked away from Eddie’s hands towards the brunette. “Noticed you looking.”
“Sorry.” Eddie just shook his hand, lifting the ring up into the light before pocketing it.
“My wife thinks we should divorce,” Eddie said with a sigh.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Buck said softly. Eddie just nodded, sighing.
“I’m from Texas originally,” Eddie said, tapping his knuckles on the bar. “My wife’s mother moved here a few years ago. And she got sick...her second bout with cancer. And Shannon...my wife, she wanted to move here to care for her mom. And I almost didn’t do it.”
“But you did.” Eddie nodded.
“I wanted to keep my family together,” Eddie said, pursing his lips. “But she still wants to get divorced.” Eddie sighed again, letting his head droop. He hadn’t talked to anyone about Shannon wanting a divorce. His parents barely spoke to him. His sisters were on his parents side and he didn’t want to bother his Abuela or Pepa with this information. So, he had been dealing with this all his own. But, even though Buck was a stranger, it was oddly nice to finally talk about this with someone.
“Maybe you could try counseling?” Eddie snorted at that and Buck gave him a look.
“I’m not really a therapy guy,” Eddie said. “And at this point, I don’t think it would matter. She already served me the papers and signed them.”
“So, you just have to sign?” Eddie just nodded, knowing those stupid papers were sitting on the kitchen table where he left them. “And besides what you already said, what’s stopping you?”
“My son.” Buck’s eyebrows raised, almost like he was shocked to learn that Eddie was a father.
“You’ve got a kid?” Eddie nodded. “Damn.”
“Christopher,” Eddie said, digging his phone out of his pocket. He pulled up his most recent picture of Christopher, a soft smile crossing his face. They had all gone to the beach a few days ago, in another attempt for Eddie to keep things as they were, to keep his family together. And the day had been great. They had all gone into the water, Christopher clinging to him the whole time, but giggling loudly any time a wave splashed him. And for a moment, especially any time Shannon looked over at him with a smile, Eddie thought things would be okay. But then as soon as they were home and Christopher was asleep, the fighting started again, as it always seemed to do.
Eddie pushed those thoughts out of his mind as he passed his phone over to Buck. The blonde’s face lit up, smiling at the picture.
“He’s four,” Eddie said, smiling a little. Christopher was at his Abuela’s house, since his Abuela could sense the tension he was holding from a mile away and shooed him out, telling him to relax while she looked after her favorite great-grandchild.
“Yeah and super adorable,” Buck said as he passed the phone back to Eddie. When Eddie chuckled, Buck just smiled sheepishly. “I, uh, I love kids.”
“I love this one,” Eddie said with a soft sigh. He pocketed his phone, hearing it knock gently against his wedding ring. “But if I sign those papers, I’m just worried that he’s not going to feel normal or resent us for not trying to stay together.”
“I, uh, I don’t think staying together just for a kid’s sake is a good idea.” Eddie raised an eyebrow as Buck fidgeted with his glass. “And if you guys tried to stay together and were unhappy, that might make him resent you. Later on of course. I don’t think kids that little are capable of resentment.” Eddie just nodded, sighing a little. “Sorry, if I overstepped at all.”
“No it’s okay,” Eddie said, finishing what was left in his glass. “A part of me knows you’re right but…”
“It’s hard to hear it when you feel like you’re failing?” Eddie’s eyes went a little wide, surprised by Buck’s statement. Because that was exactly how he was feeling about it. If he signed those papers then he would be a failure as a father and a husband. And he had already failed Shannon and Christopher so much. He couldn’t keep failing them.
“How…”
“Because that’s how I feel,” Buck said, finishing his beer. “I mean, I know dropping out of the SEALs and getting divorced are vastly different but when you care about something and it doesn’t work out…”
“It feels like a failure,” Eddie finished for him and Buck nodded. “Dropping out of the SEALs doesn’t make you a failure.”
“Neither does getting a divorce,” Buck pointed out. Eddie was about to say something when the TV volume turned out. He glanced at the TV, realizing the bartender had turned it up because the countdown was beginning. “I’m gonna step outside. I think from here you can see the fireworks from downtown.” Buck pulled out his wallet, dropping a couple bills on the bar before nodding to Eddie. Then he stood up and exited the bar. Eddie watched him go, mulling over what Buck had said. Maybe the end of his marriage wasn’t a failure. Maybe he needed to see it as a beginning. Maybe Shannon was right and this did need to be a fresh start, for all of them.
So, following Buck’s exact actions, Eddie headed outside. As he stepped outside, he could hear echoes of people screaming ‘Happy New Year!’ just as the sky lit up with bright colors. Eddie watched the fireworks for a moment before looking around. He spotted Buck, leaning against a wall and watching the sky.
“Guess you were right,” Eddie said, moving to stand next to Buck. Buck glanced away from the sky, a surprised look crossing his face. “About being able to see the fireworks.” Buck just nodded, still a little surprised. Eddie realized that perhaps Buck had mentioned the fireworks to give him space. After all, Buck had been worried that he had overstepped a few times in their conversations.
“Thank you by the way.” Buck tilted his head and Eddie smiled a little. “For listening. I, uh, haven’t talked about the divorce with anyone. So, thank you.”
“It’s no problem, man,” Buck said, a small smile crossing his face. Eddie just nodded, glancing at the sky one more time before straightening up a little.
“I should get going, but thanks again.” Buck just nodded. “And uh, I know the SEALs didn’t work out, but I’m sure you’ll figure something out. You seem like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders.” Buck smiled at that and Eddie felt himself smile as well.
“Thanks,” Buck said and Eddie nodded. “And uh, Happy New Year.”
“Same to you.” And then, Eddie turned and started to walk towards where he had parked his car. As his footsteps echoed against the pavement, drowned out by the fireworks and the sounds of people partying, Eddie knew what he needed to do.
He needed to sign those divorce papers and move forward. Shannon was right that they both needed a new start. And Buck was right that admitting that didn’t make him a failure. When Eddie reached his car, he glanced back towards the bar. Buck was gone, the spot where he had been standing now empty. Eddie just smiled to himself, before getting into the truck.
He was going to sign the divorce papers. Because his life was not falling apart. It was just beginning.