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Tsukishima watched Yamaguchi’s fleeting form disappear into the hallway after the final bell rang. Yamaguchi had his after school plans laid out: before practice started, he would ask Yachi out in the gym while she set up the net. If he hurried, he could do it without anyone else around. Tsukishima felt miserable as he packed up his stuff and began to make his way to the club room for practice, knowing that Yamaguchi was about to declare his affection for another person.
His legs felt unrealistically heavy as he attempted to change out of his school uniform and into his practice clothes. He tugged that purple t-shirt with the star on it over his head, placed his headphones on his shoulders, and took a deep breath before walking down to wait outside the gym for the rest of the team to show up. He was not typically the first to arrive at practice, but his usual excuse (who goes by the name Yamaguchi) wasn’t with him to slow him down.
He leaned against the concrete wall of the building, his distress amplified by the fact that he could clearly hear the conversation happening on the other side of the heavy gym doors. He noted that the windows were propped open, allowing what he was sure to be an embarrassing moment to drift out into the open air.
“I’m sorry, it’s just a lot to take in!” he heard Yachi say.
Ah, so he’s already confessed, Tsukishima thought, grateful that he didn’t have to hear whatever speech Yamaguchi had no doubt prepared ahead of time. He wasn’t a coward, at least not anymore, but he also wasn’t always the best with his words, especially around girls, so he had probably rehearsed.
“Oh, um, that’s okay,” Yamaguchi replied. “You can, uh, just forget I said anything.”
Even though Tsukishima couldn’t see him, he knew that his friend was about to retreat.
“Wait!” Yachi called. “I just… I had a crush on you too.”
Tsukishima felt his heart plummet into his shoes.
“Oh, really?” Yamaguchi’s voice perked up.
“Yeah. I thought you were super cute and nice, but…” The pause was excruciating. “I kind of gave up on you.”
“Uh, why?” A slightly hurt tone, but mostly curious.
“I kind of figured you and Tsukishima had something going on,” she explained. “You guys are really close. Like, you share your water bottles and everything.”
Tsukishima wanted to groan. So Yamaguchi’s embarrassing confession was causing collateral damage for him too, the humiliation spreading like a cloud over Tsukishima’s blond and irritated head.
“Tsuki’s just my friend,” Yamaguchi said plainly. Tsukishima had heard that before. Just friends. It was true, but somehow it felt distasteful against his ears whenever Yamaguchi said it, and especially so in this context.
“I know that now and I feel so terrible for judging you guys like that!” Yachi’s voice cracked from her own guilty feelings, and Tsukishima could hear the tell-tale smack of her own hands slapping against her cheeks.
“But…”
“I’m so sorry, Yamaguchi! But I’ve spent so long thinking of you that way that it’s almost impossible for me to get it out of my head!”
Tsukishima was sure that of every rejection occuring on the planet right now, this one probably stung the worst. The fact that Yamaguchi once had a chance with Yachi, and that it had slipped away, was tortuously coupled with the fact that she had spent a long time assuming he was in a gay relationship with his best friend. Tsukishima shuddered at the thought, but still somehow felt himself cheering up a little bit. He knew it was selfish of him to relish in his friend’s rejection, but he couldn’t be bothered to care. There was also the troublesome question pesting him from the back of his mind though: Why were you so worried that she might say yes?
Sure, Tsukishima used to hold Yamaguchi’s hand when he was sure no one was looking, and yeah, maybe he enjoyed the way that his friend felt pressed up against him in his bed whenever they had sleepovers, and okay, he had kissed Yamaguchi before… made out with him before. But that was all just as friends. And besides, it’s not like Tsukishima needed to do that stuff with Yamaguchi. They had been friends for a long time before they started being more physically close and they could surely be friends for a long time after they stopped, right?
Tsukishima had told Yamaguchi that if he went out with Yachi that they couldn’t do that anymore, that it wouldn’t be fair to her. But he never stipulated what would happen if Yamaguchi got rejected, but Tsukishima hardly felt like they could go right back to making out again. Now that it had been discussed and rationalized, it felt stupid to ever think that friends could do those things and it not be weird.
Tsukishima realized that there had been a pretty long pause in the conversation between the other two in the gym. He wondered if Yamaguchi had started crying or something, making the situation even more tense and awkward. But then he spoke. “That’s okay,” he said. “I’m still glad I told you.” Tsukishima couldn’t detect any sadness in his voice, not even disappointment, really. He didn’t sound cheerful per se. He sounded like he might sound when ordering at a restaurant or giving an answer in class. Just… Normal.
He could hear Yamaguchi’s steps approaching the doors. Tsukishima pulled his headphones over his ears and closed his eyes. He’d just pretend he hadn’t heard anything, that he had no clue that Yamaguchi was walking right past him.
He felt a hand tap his shoulder. He peeked out of the corner of his eye. Yamaguchi was smiling. Tsukishima pulled one of the headphones away from his ear, realizing that there was no music coming from them. He hoped that Yamaguchi couldn’t tell.
“I’m going to change now,” Yamaguchi said. “I’ll be right back for practice.”
Tsukishima nodded, knowing that Yamaguchi was only telling him so he’d know that he wasn’t going to ditch or something. The other teammates started filing out of the clubroom at that point and each took turns chiding Yamaguchi for not being changed yet, which he apologized for and responded with a half-jog maneuver to signify that he was indeed going to hurry up.
Turning into the gym, Tsukishima met Yachi’s eyes. She gave him an awkward smile, which he didn’t reciprocate. He gave her a nod instead, his standard greeting, then began stretching.
As practice kicked off, Tsukishima tried not to scrutinize Yamaguchi too harshly, but he couldn’t help himself. He supposed that he was partially concerned for Yamaguchi’s emotional state. He had just been rather humiliated by the girl he liked, but if he was really down about it, Tsukishima couldn’t tell. If anything, Yamaguchi was in even better form than usual. Every serve he slapped over the net landed right where he had aimed it. He cheered with the others without any trace of lingering sadness hiding behind his eyes. But then again, Tsukishima wasn’t really good at empathizing. Maybe he was just missing the signs.
The only thing that seemed off about Yamaguchi was that he hadn’t really said anything to Tsukishima since he had returned from changing in the clubroom. He hadn’t really even looked in his direction. That was understandable. Yachi had just insinuated that Yamaguchi looked like had a big crush on him, or that they were deeply in love. Yamaguchi was probably trying to do anything he could to avoid that assumption being made by anyone else. Tsukishima wondered vaguely how long this cold shoulder would last as he shut down one of Ashai’s spikes with a block. His arms throbbed a little bit from the impact as his feet hit the ground, but it was negligible compared to the gaping pit that was beginning to form in his stomach.
As practice wrapped for the evening, there was an imperceptibly brief moment when it seemed like Yamaguchi was going to offer Tsukishima a drink from his water bottle, but his hand dropped before Tsukishima’s long fingers could accept it. Perhaps it was just a force of habit, but neither seemed to linger on the temporary lapse in new, unwritten protocol. After that,Tsukishima was the first out the door. He was quickly passed by Nishinoya and Tanaka who were practically sprinting, apparently having much better things to do than hang around school. By the time Tsukishima reached the clubroom, he was the second to last one in. Only Yamaguchi lingered behind him. Well, of course, Hinata and Kageyama had stayed behind in the gym for their usual extra practice. Tanaka and Nishinoya bolted past Tsukishima and Yamaguchi, having already changed in the seconds that they had beaten them to the clubroom by. Tsukishima scoffed to himself with a half-smirk.
“Wonder if they’ve lent Kageyama and Hinata their brain cell for the night?” Yamaguchi quipped, saying his first words to Tsukishima in several hours.
Tsukishima couldn’t help the laugh that escaped his lips as he tugged off his t-shirt to change back into his tracksuit. Since they had been the last two to arrive, as Tsukishima tugged his shoes back on, he realized they were the last two to leave.
Yamaguchi cleared his throat as he slung his bag over his shoulder. “So…”
“So.”
“I’ve got good news and bad news,” Yamaguchi said as he pushed through the door of the club room to begin their walk home. Tsukishima hadn’t assumed that they were going to walk together, but it would be even more weird if they didn’t. Yamaguchi threw a smile over his shoulder and Tsukishima followed him, partly glad that he wasn’t being ignored anymore, partly anxious about the conversation he knew was about to happen.
“Bad news first,” Tsukishima requested as he shoved his hands into his pockets.
Yamaguchi looked at the sliver of pale skin just under Tsukishima’s jacket sleeve where his wrist entered his pocket as he spoke again. “Yachi rejected me.” His voice didn’t sound sad at all. Just matter-of-fact. Then he grinned. “But the good news is that you and I can keep doing what we were doing, right?”
Tsukishima felt an annoyed puff of air escape his nose. “No, we shouldn’t.”
“Huh?” Yamaguchi said, his voice now taking on a flat sound. Now he sounded the way someone does when they’re rejected. “Why not?”
Ignoring the inflection of Yamaguchi’s voice, Tsukishima rolled his eyes, then kept them focused on the stars overhead. He’d rather observe constellations than the look at his friend’s face. He didn’t want his little baby frog expression to make this any harder than it already was. Neither boy was looking forward as they walked. Yamaguchi was singularly staring at Tsukishima’s unreadable face, and Tsukishima could feel the gaze making his skin feel prickly and hot. “You basically asked for my permission to confess to Yachi. Friends shouldn’t have to do that,” Tsukishima explained.
He heard Yamaguchi hum; he felt Yamaguchi’s eyes turn downward in thought. Tsukishima looked at the concrete path in front of his feet now, waiting to hear what Yamaguchi would have to say to that. He could see from the corner of his eye that Yamaguchi had raised a hand to his chin, like he was really puzzling it out.
Yamaguchi spoke in a hushed voice, but not from lack of confidence in what he was about to say, but from a desire for privacy. “So you don’t want to kiss me anymore, because you think that it makes me feel like I need to give you a head’s up before I try and ask a girl out. And that bothers you because we’re supposed to just be friends?”
Tsukishima gave a single nod for his reply.
“Let’s stop being friends then!” Yamaguchi said immediately.
Tsukishima looked directly at him with an expression of total bewilderment. “What?” he spat.
“Yeah, I like you better as a make out partner than as a friend anyway,” Yamaguchi said. “I mean you’ve always been kind of a jerk, but you are good at kissing.” He gave Tsukishima a sassy, lopsided smile. A tiny laugh sighed out from Yamaguchi’s throat.
“Shut up, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima said, narrowing his eyes at Yamaguchi’s terrible joke.
“Sorry, Tsuki,” Yamaguchi said in his typical insincere way. “You know I’m only kidding, mostly.” He added the last word with a taunting grin.
Tsukishima only scoffed in response.
“It’s fine. We don’t have to kiss anymore,” Yamaguchi said. “I’ll kind of miss it, but you’re probably right. You’re always right, I guess.” He shrugged as if he had resigned himself to living by Tsukishima’s rules.
It seemed like no matter what Yamaguchi had to say that night, Tsukishima always felt horrible afterward.
They continued walking in silence for a few more minutes, the only noise being the faint sound of music coming from the headphones that hung around Tsukishima’s neck and of their shoes scraping the pavement beneath them, before Yamaguchi started speaking again. “So, the funny thing is that Yachi rejected me because she had thought you and I were together. Weird, right?”
Tsukishima grunted. “More like totally idiotic.”
“Yeah, well after she said that, I actually felt kind of relieved that she rejected me.”
Tsukishima’s head swiveled to look at Yamaguchi so quickly that his headphones nearly spun off of his neck. His eyebrows scrunched, totally addled by the implied meaning of Yamaguchi’s words.
“I started thinking, dating a girl would be kind of scary, wouldn’t it? Like I’d have no idea what I was doing! I’ve never had a girlfriend before. It’s kind of… unfamiliar, uncomfortable.” Yamaguchi fiddled with his fingers as he spoke, but Tsukishima couldn’t keep his eyes off of his freckled face now, trying to anticipate where the hell Yamaguchi was going with all this. “When she said that she thought you and I were a thing, I almost wished it was true. I mean, I’m comfortable around you. You’re easy to be with, not scary at all… or at least not most of the time.” Yamaguchi laughed. “That’s kind of dumb, isn’t it?”
Tsukishima was stunned. It wasn’t a confession, really. It was something else. Something confusing, something a little too honest. After staring for a second too long, Tsukishima replied. “Yeah. Dumb.” It wasn’t really convincing, though.
“Oh well,” Yamaguchi said. “No point in dwelling on something that can never happen.” He stretched his arms over his head and his shoulders popped accordingly. It was like that simple stretch allowed all awkwardness to leave his body. He seemed so casual as his hands swung back to his sides. Was he not embarrassed at all by the things he had just said? Perhaps he was really as comfortable around Tsukishima as he had said. Over the years, Yamaguchi had gotten better at standing up to him, at giving him a piece of his mind, at asking for things without apologizing. Now here he was, saying some really raw stuff and barely batting an eyelash. Were it not for his fingers fidgeting moments ago, Tsukishima would think that Yamaguchi was completely confident in telling him how he felt. That almost made the fact that it wasn’t really a confession feel… worse?
Had Tsukishima wanted him to confess? To admit that he was attracted to his best friend? To realize that he didn’t need Yachi or anyone else when he had Tsukishima? It certainly seemed that way. Tsukishima sighed. “Why can’t it happen?” he asked with an even tone. Even if he was having an internal crisis, Yamaguchi didn’t need to know.
Yamaguchi raised an eyebrow as he looked at Tsukishima, but didn’t say anything. It was like he was inviting Tsukishima to spill his guts, and all it took was that little quirked eyebrow.
“I mean, if you like being around me so much...” Tsukishima said with a feigned arrogance.
Yamaguchi wasn’t buying the fake ego-trip at all. That eyebrow simply rose higher on his freckled forehead, coaxing Tsukishima to drop the act.
“We can keep kissing,” Tsukishima relented finally. “As long as you don’t plan on asking anyone else out.”
“But we’re just friends,” Yamaguchi said, but this time he said it almost sarcastically, tauntingly, that eyebrow of his almost fading into his hairline as it continued its smart-alecky ascent.
Tsukishima sighed and finally stopped walking. He hung his head, almost feeling ashamed. “We’re not just friends,” he admitted.
“I know,” Yamaguchi said, pulling Tsukishima’s hand out of his pocket, lacing their fingers together.
There was no confession, not technically. There was no labeling, there was no asking out. But this was fine, as far as Tsukishima was concerned. It was just another phase in the evolution of his relationship with his best friend. Sometimes you have to take a step back before you can run, jump forward, Tsukishima realized. He should have known that from all the volleyball he played.
Tsukishima tugged Yamaguchi by the hand back to his house, the flimsy excuse of study already queued up, ready to be shouted as soon as they entered the front door. After his family was properly greeted, he practically dragged Yamaguchi to his bedroom and flung him onto his bed once the door was secured behind him.
“You’re eager,” Yamaguchi teased as he propped himself on his elbows against Tsukishima’s pillows.
“Shut up, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima said as he placed a hand on Yamaguchi’s chest to press him back.
“Sorry, Tsuki,” he replied, not meaning it as usual, as he wrapped his arms around the other’s neck.
Tsukishima allowed himself a tiny smile, his lips turning up by just a millimeter as they ghosted over the skin of Yamaguchi’s neck. He couldn’t believe that he thought even for a moment that their relationship was under threat of regressing, that the path they were on had abruptly ended. It just turned in a direction that Tsukishima hadn’t expected, but that he probably should have. How could he not realize how in love he was? Holding himself up with one hand, he cradled the back of Yamaguchi’s head with the other. Tsukishima kissed up his neck, under his jaw, over his chin, then paused for only a second before pressing their lips together. He pulled away for just a second to look at Yamaguchi’s strawberry cheeks before returning to peppering kisses all over them.
Yamaguchi didn’t seem at all caught up in any musings about the evolution of their relationship. Instead he just chuckled. “I can’t believe how happy I am that I got rejected,” he said as Tsukishima nipped at his ear lobe.
Tsukishima laughed softly into Yamaguchi’s hair. “Me too.”