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You were stood outside of Bucky's room bouncing from one leg to the other in excitement. It was nearly 2 AM and it was one of those nights when sleep refused to take you. You had tried, you really did, you laid there for hours with the blankets pulled up to your chin and your legs curled up to your chest to protect yourself from the monsters that tried to tug on your feet, but every time you drifted off your body would jerk back awake.
Your apartment was dark and lonely and there were no number of nightlights that could cast away the terrifying shadows that crawled on the walls.
You found that you liked Bucky's apartment a lot better even though you had only been there once. It was on a night very similar to this one, you were wondering the tower aimlessly before you had ended up on Bucky's floor. You were curious about him and thought you should introduce yourself. Knocking on his door that night had been one of the best decisions you had ever made, you liked him a lot and you felt happier around him.
You raised your fist and nearly bruised your knuckles as you knocked on the door that was built like the walls of a tank.
A small smile crept on your face as you waited, shifting the heavy bag full of goodies and activities that you had prepared on your shoulder.
When the heavy door groaned, you snapped your gaze away from the floor to see Bucky peeking out at you wearing nothing but a pair of grey sweatpants. You could see the scars that were speckled across his chest and surrounded the shoulder of his metal arm, but you didn't pay them much attention. You had some scars too and you knew how uncomfortable it could be to have someone stare at them.
His long dark hair was still damp, dangling messily in front of his blue eyes that were framed by dark circles. He looked so tired and sad, and you were glad that you came, it looked like he could use a brownie.
"Hi, I hope I didn't wake you," You greeted shyly, fiddling with the straps of your bag.
"You didn't… I don't sleep much these days," His voice was deep and gruff, and if your focus wasn't fully on him you probably would have missed a few words. He seemed nervous much like the first time you had met, but that was fine you just had to reassure him.
"Oh, well that's okay! I couldn't sleep either, so I brought some stuff that we can do to help us pass the time," You smiled brightly.
He eyed the bag you carried with pursed lips, before sighing and rubbing his flesh hand over his face.
"Doll, what did I tell you about coming to visit me at night?" He was scolding you now, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed over his bare chest.
You couldn't help the blood from rushing to your cheeks as you brought your hand to your chin and pretended to think really hard. When in truth, you had remembered exactly what he had told you when your night together had come to an end.
He had warned you against coming to his floor, especially at night. He said that he wasn't stable, and sometimes if he gets triggered or has a nightmare he loses control.
You saw the evidence of the violence he was capable of all over his apartment in holes in the walls and broken furniture, and despite all of that you weren't deterred. All you knew was that you liked who he was when he was in control, and you were fine with getting hurt if it kept the ache of loneliness away.
"Umm… you said I should come over more often because you enjoy my company so much?" You smiled sheepishly.
"Oh really, I said that? Cause from what I recall, I told you quite firmly that you shouldn't come over because it is very, very, very dangerous," His lips quirked and he reached out to bop you on the nose three times to emphasize every 'very'.
You warmed at the attention, giggling and wriggling your nose at the tingles his touch left lingering on your skin.
"Oh no, I'm shaking in my fuzzy socks. C'mon Bucky, let me in… you knooow you waaant tooooo," You sang teasingly, taking a step forward only to be held back by Bucky's grip on your shoulder. You looked up into his blue eyes and frowned.
He was being more stubborn tonight.
"This isn't a joke… your safety isn't a joke, and you can't be safe with me. You should go…"
This wasn't how you were planning on things going at all. You didn't want to go back to your apartment, especially now that there was an ache in your chest at Bucky's rejection.
You were running out of options, but then an idea struck you. The puppy dog eyes, you hadn't used those on him yet, maybe that would work…
"But Bucky please -," You begged, giving him your best puppy dog eyes that had proven to be so effective that they could make Tony Stark break.
"No." He was fast to catch on to what you were doing and raised his hand to block your eyes from view. His voice was firm, and his steel glare was unwavering.
"But we had so much fun last time. It was perfect and tonight can be just like that!"
"Last time was a mistake. I was reckless and I shouldn't have let it happen."
Those words hit you like a punch in the gut making you flinch and screw your eyes shut to hide the pain.
You remembered how you had come to his door and convinced him to let you introduce yourself to him while you baked cookies for him in his kitchen. He had sat there at the island watching you make your way around his kitchen like it was your own while you rattled off about yourself. He didn't say much, but you didn't mind.
Somewhere along the way, he ended up with the bowl of dry ingredients, whisking, and mixing. He was more relaxed now and you were even able to get a few small smiles from him. Things were going good until the bowl Bucky had been stirring snapped under the strength of his metal arm sending flour, sugar, and other ingredients flying over himself and the kitchen.
You had thought it was absolutely hilarious, but Bucky didn't seem to feel the same. He stood frozen in the middle of the kitchen, his body trembled, and his breathing was shaky. In an effort to make him feel better, you did the first thing that came to mind and stepped in front of him so that your chests were almost touching and dumped the rest of the flour over your head smiling wide and giggling.
That did a good job of catching his attention and when his eyes focused on you, taking in your flour-covered face and body he slowly joined in laughing with you. You smeared your flour-covered hand over his cheek and watched as a mischievous grin spread over his face before you squealed and took off running. You didn't get far before his metal arm wrapped around your waist, and he returned the favor.
How could any of that have been a mistake?
You could feel the tears welling up in your eyes, and your throat grew uncomfortably tight.
"How… how can you say that? I - I thought we were friends," You couldn't hold back the tears anymore and they came pouring down your cheeks in rivers. Your bag slipped from your shoulder, landing on the floor with a heavy thud as you tried to cover your face in your hands.
Bucky had known that as soon as the words left his lips that they were too harsh. He had intended them to sting, no matter how much the guilt would make him sick to his stomach afterward. He was capable of much worse, he had done much worse and he could live with hurting your feelings if it would protect you - or so he thought.
His resolve quickly dissipated when you seemed to fall apart in front of his eyes. He had seen the pain in your eyes, the tears that streaked your cheeks, the way your body shook and he could hear the way your breath skipped.
"Fuck…" He cursed and before you could turn to leave he was already lifting you off the ground, scooping up your bag, and marching you into his apartment.
He didn't have the slightest clue at what he was doing, he just knew that he had to do whatever he could to get those tears to stop flowing.
Carefully, he set you down on his couch and knelt on one knee in front of you. He tentatively brought his flesh hand up to draw soothing circles across your knee that peeked out from under the large sweatshirt that draped over you like a dress.
Your eyes were still covered by your hands as you cried, and he was glad for it. He was sure that if those dark brown eyes landed on him he would lose his nerve.
"I… I'm so sorry, you gotta believe that I didn't mean it like that. You are my friend, hell you've treated me better than half of the people in this building… like I'm a person. It's like you don't even see this hunk of junk attached to me and I can't understand it." It was hard to be open about the words that ran through his mind and speak them, but he managed and was rewarded when your cries had softened and you finally lowered your hands to peek at him.
"Because - because y-you are… you are a p-person," You hiccupped.
That right there was exactly why he had been so determined to keep his distance. He quickly found out from the first day he met you that you were possibly the sweetest person he had ever met and he would much rather die before he harmed a single hair on your head.
And yet here he was with you in his apartment, the most dangerous place you could be. He tried not to think about how easily all of this could go wrong.
Instead, he directed his attention to your bag and began rummaging through it until he found what he was looking for, pulling out the tub of brownies. Your scent was covered in their sweetness, and it had washed over him like a breath of fresh air when he had initially opened the door of his apartment.
"I knew you had something sweet in here. Girls like chocolate right, it makes them feel better? You're gonna have to help me out here a little doll, I haven't taken care of a girl or even spoken to one nearly as much as I've spoken to you in 70 some-odd years." You giggled at that, and he couldn't help but smile at the sound.
He was doing something right for once, and it felt good.
"I like chocolate, but I-I made those for you."
People who knew he was the Winter Soldier usually ran, cowered, threw him untrusting glances, grew uncomfortable in his presence, or ignored him altogether. He spent most of his time on his floor like a caged and dangerous animal waiting until someone could figure out what to do with him, and in a way he was.
But you… you had come over and made him cookies and set aside time in your day to make him brownies, and that fact baffled him when he realized that meant that you had been thinking about him.
It was kind, simple, and normal and he didn't deserve it.
The feeling of you playfully tapping your fuzzy-socked foot against his shin snapped him out of his daze, and he grabbed a brownie out of the tub.
"Well since they are for me, I've decided that I want to share so here, you nibble on this, and I'll go get you some milk, okay?" He handed you the treat which you gladly accepted before he stood and made his way to the kitchen.
He poured two glasses and leaned against the counter to take a few deep breathes in an attempt to calm his nerves.
When he made his way back out your eyes were brighter and absent of tears as you swayed happily in your seat chewing on the brownie. His lips quirked taking in the sight of you, he couldn't deny that you were a sweet little thing.
"Feeling better?" He asked.
You hummed enthusiastically as you took a large gulp of milk with your eyes peeking at him from above the rim of the glass. He nodded and picked up a brownie for himself, the taste was rich and sweet reminding him of something his mother would have made for him and his sister on the rare occasion that they had some extra money to spend.
He stared into his glass of milk absentmindedly watching the liquid swirl in the glass before he broke the silence.
"I can't pretend that you being here isn't dangerous, doll. I'm trying to protect you from myself, do you understand?" He spoke carefully, not wanting to upset you again.
You wiped your milk mustache with the sleeve of your sweater and looked away from him to focus instead on your twiddling fingers in your lap.
"I understand, Bucky. I'm really sorry, I should have listened to you -"
"But… I think we can work something out," He interrupted.
Your eyes snapped up to his, wide and full of hope and excitement.
He would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy your company and didn't want to spend more time with you. That lonely, aching void inside of him desperately longed for a friend. Steve was the only friend he had, but looking at Steve was like looking at the past. Steve knew all of the different versions that Bucky had been throughout his life, and it pained him to know that he could never live up to any of them.
But you only knew one version of Bucky, who he was now, and you seemed to be more than content with that, never asking for more. He didn't want to give that up.
He had given it some thought and had come up with a possible solution that could allow you both to spend time together while also keeping you safe.
"You know that robot in the ceiling?" He asked.
"Friday?" You giggled.
"Yeah Friday… well she's gotten pretty good at sensing when I'm about to lose control - she locks the whole place down and everything. She can give a warning, and the only thing I'm asking of you doll is that when you hear that warning you run as fast as you can and get the hell out of here. Think you can handle that?"
You were practically bouncing on the couch and your excitement was palpable making his heart thump heavily in his chest.
"Yes, yes I can do that! I'm super-fast, you can ask Natasha, she'll tell you. The enemies don’t even see me coming before I'm on em' I'm like a ninja," You threw punches and jabs at the air, making exaggerated noises and Bucky watched you with a small smile, impressed by your form.
"So I can stay?"
He gave a short nod, "You can stay."
You squealed and Bucky wasn't prepared as you launched yourself at him, wrapping your arms around his middle and your head fell to rest on the shoulder where his flesh met metal. Damn, he thought… you really were fast.
"Thank you, thank you Bucky you won't regret it I promise we are going to have so much fun!"
His body was frozen and it took him a while before he could process your words, he felt like he was in shock. He couldn't remember the last time someone had touched him so carefully and with such affection. Your body was warm against his with you wrapped around his side with your bare knees pressing into his thigh. Your sweet scent filled his senses.
His tense body slowly loosened, before he tentatively wrapped his metal arm around you, sucking in a stuttering breath when you didn't show any discomfort at the feel of the hard metal.
He couldn't stop the tears that welled in his eyes.
"I think I'm the one who needs to be thanking you, sweetheart." He croaked.