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The last two weeks have have been the hardest of Clarke's life, harder than the time her mother left her and her father and till this day she doesn't understand how Abby could just up and leave.
Pain and anger at the world for taking away her father settle into her chest like a cinder block.
As much as seeing him for the first time causes her so much anxiety, Bellamy Blake is her lighthouse in this storm.
"Are you sure about this?" Gaia asks, leaning against Clarke's childhood bedroom door. Clarke doesn’t miss the concern in her voice, Clarke's eyes snap up at her friend whose features are clouded with a thoughtful expression.
"I'm sure," Clarke manages to answer, her throat still coarse from all the crying she did last night. She doesn’t know when she started crying again but she could feel the trail that her tears are leaving behind all the way to her neck "He would have wanted this," Clarke nods to herself, as much as she wants to curl up in a ball for the rest of her life because for the past two weeks she’s been consumed by unbearable pain. She doesn’t want to disappoint her father; she also doesn’t want to wake up from that slumber years from now and realise that the world went on without her.
"My dad, he always said follow your dreams and your heart, they'll never stir you wrong… and my dream…" she allows a small smile to curling her lips with a soft sigh, “my dream was to open up my own flower shop, with art that I made and custom flowers that are different for every occasion…” she swallows a sob, her heart crushing behind her ribs. She never wanted to ask her dad for money, not that he had much anyways but they were comfortable enough to have good food on the table, a car, and a roof over her head so she could never complain.
Her dad died two weeks ago, and since she's the only child and her mom is God knows where she's the only beneficiary to his benefits from his job. He took out a few loans during his time alive so it's not the full pension, but it's enough for Clarke to start out her dream. She would trade it all in to have another chance to hug him though.
Gaia nods "And your heart…” she smiles, “leads to him." Gaia says surely. Clarke tears her gaze from her friend, the emotions that come with the mention of Bellamy being too hard to decipher. She stands, walking to the little mahogany chest by her table in the corner. She slowly opens up the case and the green envelopes neatly tied together spark a swirl of heat inside of her.
"I know it's crazy," Clarke begins, turning to face Gaia once more with a solemn expression. "My mom before she left certainly thought it was, but talking to him through these letters all these years it..." she sighs a small smile tugging at her lips. There is no explanation that can justify how much he shaped her life. He always he is the lucky one, but they are both lucky she guesses.
Clarke was fourteen when she received her first letter from Bellamy Blake. He'd written that he got her address from his mom, their parents were great friends who grew up in the same town but went to different collages in different cities but kept in touch. So he wanted to get to know her, maybe be friends like their parents.
He wrote letters typed on an actual typewriter and always sent them in green pastel envelopes. As they got older, they texted and had long phone call conversations but even then, the letters never stopped.
It's not always some big revelation in the letters, sometimes it's a quote from his favourite book, she later learned he is a huge nerd. Or he'll write her while he is on the road traveling accompanied by a Polaroid photo of himself or the scenery.
One of her favourite letters is a simple Atticus quote, and the other is one that came with a tulip flower, a white tulip flower which he knows are her favourite.
Bellamy became her anchor, her best friend even though they've never met. He reveals things about himself to her and he always tells her she's his safe space and Clarke feels the same way, Bellamy knows her more than anyone else around her and she trusts when he tells her she knows parts of him that no one else does.
"I get it," Gaia says sincerely, walking over to Clarke and placing a comforting hand on her arm. “Shouldn’t you tell him you’re coming?”
“I don’t even know if I’ll make it,” tears threatening to spill again, “what if I get scared and don’t go?”
“Your heart leads to him, right? So why wouldn’t you?”
Silence settles between them, Clarke doesn’t want to admit how terrified she is that she’ll meet Bellamy face to face for the first time, and that all she’s felt through those letters and phone calls are real but she’s the only one, she can’t handle another heart break right now.
She lets out a wretched chuckle. “I feel pathetic enough as it is that my best friend is someone that I’ve only talked to through letters and long phone calls… and like a fool I fell for him.”
“You said he’s bared his entire soul to you,” Gaia begins, stepping closer and narrowing her gaze. “And you’ve done the same. We’ve been roommates for years now, you and Bellamy speak for hours and it sounds so easy and quite annoying when I was trying to sleep,” they both let out a chuckle. “Also I’m gay and everything but I’ve seen the guys pictures and he is beautiful, so I get it” she says with a knowing shrug.
Gratefully she smiles “Thanks Gaia…for everything”.
Gaia smirks, pulling her into a hug. "If he is an asshole when you get there just let me know I'll mess him up for you," she says with a chuckle, but Clarke knows she's serious. “I’m going to miss you.”
Clarke holds on tighter, "in three months you’ll be done with your fellowship and you’ll be in Arkadia too," Clarke reminds her. "But I'll miss you too.”
“That is if you decide to stay in Arkadia and freckles doesn’t scare you off,” she pulls from the hug.
Clarke’s eyebrow quirks up, she can’t help the grin her lips transform into “Freckles? Gaia please tell me you aren’t going to call him that when you meet him.”
Gaia waves her off, “what? They are the most evident part of him… for me at least,” she contends. Clarke grunts throwing her head back at her friend’s bluntness. “Fine… I’ll call him Bellamy,” Gaia relents, but Clarke knows her all too well, once she is comfortable around him that’s exactly what she’ll call him.
“I’m going to miss my flight, let’s go.”
Clarke still has a strange lingering feeling that her closest friend, her best friend, the person who has seen her through some of the worst times of her life is someone she's never met. But Bellamy Blake is anything but a stranger, he is part of her now.
She’s clutching the mahogany box on her lap containing the letters and her father's watch in a taxi, just like her entire flight she is still contemplating whether she should pass right through Arkadia and find another city to settle in as she watches the city lights of Arkadia disappear in a blur.
Her heart is in free fall as she steps out of the cab, her hair and clothes already soaked through by the rain but all she can focus on is getting her legs to move up the steps and knock.
~~~~~
"You need to stop spacing out about your girlfriend," Miller grunts as he retrieves a beer from the fridge. “And start paying attention to your friends that are actually here.”
"She's not my girlfriend and I was paying attention," Bellamy lies as he places the last plate in the dish washer. He turns, leaning against the sink to face his friend who is staring at him incredulously.
“Okay then what did I just say?” He challenges.
“That I don’t pay attention to what you say,” Bellamy retorts with a smirk wiping his hands on his jeans
“Before that you ass”, he challenges again, this time with an eye roll.
Safest bet is to say Bryan, that’s who he talks about ninety percent of the time. “Bryan.” he says smugly crossing his hands across his chest.
Miller narrows his gaze with a sneer “What exactly?”
Bellamy shrugs, “fine I wasn’t paying attention… this time?”
“I knew it,” Miller grumbles.
“Okay fine, can you give me a break this time…I’m worried about her.”
Miller nods in understanding, “you should’ve gone there.”
“She told me she’d tell me when, that it was too crazy with her family there for the funeral.”
“All the more reason why you should be there.”
“Yeah,” Bellamy agrees despondently. “I feel like she was just scared of meeting me”
Miller takes a sip of his bear “Or maybe she didn’t want the first time you meet to be tainted with such a fucked time in her life”
Raking a hand through his messy curls Bellamy lets his mind wander to the times Aurora would show him pictures of the big blue eyed girl with pig tails who seemed to be obsessed with flower crowns, she had one in almost every picture his mom showed him.
Aurora always told Bellamy that if they hadn't moved away right before he was born, she believes him and Clarke would've been best friends just like she and Jake were. So when Aurora got him his first typewriter, it was vintage and green, his favourite colour he knew that his first letter had to be special, so he wrote to the blue eyes girl he had an embarrassing crush on.
He didn't expect her to write back, but she did. She kept writing back and when their conversations became digital, he didn't stop writing to her. Aurora and his dad moved from the states to Rome and as Bellamy grew older, the only reason why he wanted to move back to the states that he barely remembered was for Clarke.
As much as his heart weighed heavy at not being in Clarke's presence, not being able to look in those blue eyes he fell in love with; a part of him felt relief that they stayed in their little bubble of letters. In this little bubble he didn't feel so pathetic as his heart belonged to someone he knew through and through but never met.
Bellamy didn't hear the knock, too caught up in his own mind. He didn’t even see Miller walk away "You must be Clarke" he hears Miller say in the distance at the door and Bellamy’s heart sinks.
"And you must be...Miller," her soft voice that he can recognise anywhere says. All the has to do is take a couple of steps and he'll see her.
"Oh so the bastards talked about me," he can hear Miller's smirk. "Bellamy your...friends here”.
Bellamy's legs move before he can even register and there she is, those pictures never did her justice, her blond wet tangled hair, wide eyes and clothes sticking to her skin she is a complete vision, he’s by the door now, the last thing he hears is Miller saying he'll catch them later and the world gets sucked into oblivion and all that's left is him and her.
Up until now he can say that he has never met someone who has taken his breath away and stopped time on a dime.
Before he knows it she's throwing herself in his arms, her legs wrapped around his waist and his arms quickly snake around her waist, while the other holds on to her hair as he buries his face in her neck. Her flowery scent engulfs him, her touch burns him, and he never wants to let go.
****
It's been over two hours since Clarke arrived, She cried in his arms when he brought up how sorry he is about her dad's passing. She’s showering in his bathroom and his mind is racing a million miles a minute as he prepares some macaroni and cheese, an easy meal that he can concentrate on.
She emerges from the bedroom, hair damp and wavy, dressed in leggings and a shirt that he recognises used to be his. He had posted a picture on his Instagram in a vintage Hogwarts shirt and Clarke had commented that she loved that shirt, so he mailed it together with a letter. She steps into the kitchen further, she’s so close he can smell his shampoo on her, she glances up at him as he stares down at her bloodshot eyes.
“I’m sorry for…” she breathes, face falling “I should have called,” her voice croaks.
Bellamy’s heart aches at her pained voice, his finger slides down her chin tilting her head up to face him “I’m glad you’re here so…” the softest smiles curls on his lips “Stop apologizing, okay?” His brows draw together. She nods and he pulls her into a hug, her arms tightening around his waist, her head on his heart. “Besides, I’ve told you how I love surprises, this was the best one yet,” he mumbles in her hair feeling good that he manages to pull a chuckle out of her. They stay there like that for a while, just holding on to each other. Her in his arms like this, he can feel the heat her skin is radiating on his, a sinking feeling dawns on him that he never wants to let her go.
****
After dinner and a couple of episodes of The Office, which they both grinned at way too much because they were finally watching it together in the same room, Clarke curled up to his side and his arm around her shoulder, he asked her if they should maybe get some fresh air to which she agreed to eagerly. He has told her about how for as long as his been around here the stoop is his favourite place at night, it’s not too bright, so he can see the stars clearly, and it’s not too noisy but it’s enough to hear the city come alive at night.
Clarke has her eyes glued to the sky but all he can do is stare at her as the moonlight dusts the curves of her features. She points, shaping with her fingers. “Draco, right?” she asks.
“Yeah,” he says still staring at her, her eyes tear from the sky, locking with his.
A small smile plays on her face. “Don’t worry,” she leans in a little, “I won’t disappear,” she teases.
Bellamy feels himself blush that he couldn’t mask just how much he loved having her here “I just…” he clears his throat, flickering his gaze from her to the empty street across. “I can’t believe you’re here, that you’re real. Sometimes I used to think I made you up,” he chuckles sadly.
“Well…” she bumps her shoulder with his that sends a surge of electricity through him. “I’m definitely real…so what was you first impression of me?” She asks.
He darts his gaze back at her, and she’s wiggling her eyebrows with a grin. There is a fire in his bones, if only she knew that if she continued to be here and look at him with that glint in her eyes, it was going to consume him and he wouldn’t be able to do anything about it, nor would he want to. He reaches out his arm, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “I thought…I think you’re absolutely beautiful,” he says earnestly.
He sees her breath catch, she almost says something, but she doesn’t, she finally says softly, “thank you,” her cheeks scarlet.
He swears he sees her eyes fall to his lips for a second and the tension thickens, he hopes he has been subtler about staring at her lips too, he clears his throat trying to disperse the charged air “So what did you think of me” he asks with a smirk while his heart continues to flip against his chest.
Her face softens “I think…you’re absolutely Beautiful” she says with such softness that it feels like actual butterflies taking flight in his stomach, his cheeks heating up.
He tears from her gaze with a grin. “Thank you.”
He hears her sigh at the same time he does. “So…” he begins, his chest tightening at the at the fear of her answer. “What’s the plan?” he asks looking back at her.
She smiles “Already scared of me Blake?” There’s something, a fear almost in her tone.
He shakes his head, if only she knew how much his heart aches for her to stick around. “Quite the opposite actually.”
She beams, “well, my aunt says there is a pretty good location for a flower shop in sanctum. One of the shops was recently vacated”.
He swallows down the pain in his voice. “That’s amazing, your own flower shop,” he says, sincerely happy for her since knows just how much she’s wanted this, but never followed this dream out of fear “I’m proud of you.”
“It’s not even open yet,” she says like it’s bizarre thing to be proud.
“You took the step that’s enough to be proud of.”
She breathes, “thank you and…” she swallows, “there is another place…here that I kind of wanted to check out. My friend Gaia was out here for an interview and she sent me photos, I fell in love with it”.
The look on her face tells him that she maybe thinks it’s a bad idea for them. “Here?” the grip on his heart lessens. “Do you want to maybe check it out tomorrow?” He asks, hopeful. She nods, “great, it would be pretty awesome if you moved here”.
She gapes “Really?”
The shock in her voice actually makes him laugh. He pulls her in, her head resting on his shoulder, his arm around her waist. “Yes really,” he smiles, “I’ll show you the whole city tomorrow, sell you on this place.”
~~~~~
It’s been a week. They went to see the place and Clarke is in love with this place, she can see her whole flower shop come alive.
Bellamy has shown her around, taken her to some great restaurants and parks, a few art galleries because he knows just how much she loves them, he even took her to a magic show to show just how much of a good spot it is, she loves magic, and he absolutely hates it.
So here they are at the 90s themed diner he found and is now obsessed with, cheesy fries and large milkshakes in front of them in the booth by the large window.
"These are the best fries I've ever had," Clarke grins. "You were right," she says with a playful roll eye.
Bellamy smirks, his eyes remaining on her. Clarke feels like sinking in her seat because she's never been looked at like this, she doesn't think at least. She's pretty sure that the way he is looking at her is a reflection of how she's been staring at him since she met him.
"I know" he says smugly, and she throws a fry across hitting his chest and sheds in love with the chuckle that erupts from him.
She's dreamt of this, laughing with him, sitting so close to him that all she has to do is reach over and touch him. He is the guy from the pictures, his voice is familiar but here, now she can't put into words at his beauty. His lined dimples when he smiles or laughs have easily become her favourite part of him. His eyes always seemed dark in pictures, but under this natural light that's streaking his freckled face they appear brown, honey brown. His hair darker and thicker, his chest is broader and he’s taller than she thought he'd be when they were finally standing in front of each other. Every part of him steals the air from her lungs. She shakes her head slightly trying to dissipate the thoughts running wild in here mind right now.
"I can’t get the shop out of mind. It's pretty amazing I have all these ideas, the colour I'm going to paint it, the art on the wall, the life in going to breath into that that place is so...clear," she breaths "Sorry, I'm rambling”.
"I love hearing you this excited," he says with a grin. "You're gonna be amazing out here Griffin."
Clarke prays that she isn't turning scarlet. "Thank you...for helping me with everything”.
"This is what we do right?" He smiles, "push each other towards our dreams," he states simply, his features softening.
"Yeah," she bites the inside of her lips "I still can’t believe I'm here, I always thought..."
"That our friendship only worked from a distance?" He prompts.
"Yeah."
"There were days... a lot of days when I just wanted to say fuck it and fly over to you..."
"Why didn't you?" She asks swiftly.
He stares at her for a second, Clarke can’t figure out what Bellamy is searching for in her eyes, but she doesn't tear away from his soft gaze, there is a draw to his shoulders that she wants to reach over and rub off. Her heart beats faster with each passing second he doesn't answer, too terrified of the answer he'll give.
He leans into the table, lacing his fingers together. "I guess I just wanted to protect us...what we had. We shared things we didn't with anybody else. Fears, hopes, dreams...you became my anchor Clarke," he says with so much sincerity that Clarke’s heart squeezes in here chest and she can feel her tears threatening to spill. "I didn't want to lose that in case I wasn’t the person that you imagined...I didn't know if when we met, we would have what we had from a distance," he says with a sad smile.
"And now?" Clarke asks, her voice almost catching in her throat.
"All these years writing to you, talking to you on the phone and now sitting here looking at you, I don't doubt for a second that you're my person... Miller would kill me if he heard me say this but...you’re my best friend."
"You're mine too... and don't worry I'll keep it a secret," she says with a wink.
~~~~~~
It's been a month of stolen glances, and words dying on his lips whenever Bellamy wanted to say what ached his heart.
Clarke mentioned leaving for sanctum in a couple of weeks, and that sent a chill down his spine. He has no doubt in his mind that Clarke is the person that he is supposed to spend the rest of his life with. Now more than ever he understands why he never let himself fully go when it came to dating, there was always lingering hope that when he and Clarke finally met, nothing would change with the way he felt and how strongly he was drawn to her and it hasn't.
He comes to a halt outside her door when he sees her sitting by the bed holding an envelope in her hands, it's one of his. there is sadness clouding her features, he clears his throat knocking and she tilts her head forcing a small smile when her eyes meet his.
"Hey" she clears her throat.
Bellamy doesn't answer for a second, just stares but then he decides it’s now or never, he takes a step into the room. "Hey,” he walks closer, sitting beside her. "How are you doing with everything?"
She flickers her gaze to the envelope in her hand, "I was just thinking that...maybe I made a mistake coming here," she says, cutting her gaze to his and he squeezes until it finally breaks. "I'm sorry," her voice breaks. He reaches out during her tears with his thumb.
"Don't be..." he swallows thickly "always do what feels right. Tell me what's going on.”
"I thought that maybe we could just...be friends. like we were, like we've always been all these years but..." her face falls to her hands again. "I don't think I can start a life here, with you just as my friend and I know that's stupid and..."
"It's not —" he cuts through; her eyes are back to his "It’s not stupid...Clarke if that's what you're afraid of... I want you to stay," he narrows his gaze, taking her hand in his. "It’s been from a distance, but we’ve been through a lot you and I. This is a chapter of our lives that i want us to experience together, you here with me. It’s not like we are just two strangers who’ve known each other for a couple of weeks. We’ve known each other for a really long time, time that feels like my whole life. I know your favourite books, and I know you love white lilies, and that you’d probably punch me in the face if I ordered pineapple pizza” he mumbles, she laughs, a gleam in her eyes. “I want us…to try. It sounds crazy but you're the person I'm supposed to be with Clarke...”
"Are you saying..."
Bellamy swallows her words by capturing her lips with his, his hand is cradling her jaw while the other still holds hers on his lap. As their lips move together the fire seeping from her skin consumes him. He'd be lying if he said he has never thought of this moment, kissing her holding her is something he has anticipated for the longest time and his imagination doesn't hold a candle to this.
Her hand snakes behind his neck, tugging lightly at his curls. The kiss is fiery yet delicate, like years of pentup emotions are all being conveyed into this one kiss.
He pulls from her lips, their foreheads resting against each other a smile curling on her lips matching his. He studies her face, the storm in her eyes dissipating.
"I'm saying stay.”