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Lambert whispers a joke into Keira’s ear and she laughs, her hand resting tenderly against his chest as their eyes meet, a smile shared.
Sharing.
At night, Gaetan rests his hand tenderly against the wall of his room at Kaer Morhen, looking up into imaginary eyes before pulling the blanket tighter around himself.
He doesn’t sleep.
Letho smiles as he dips the cloth into clean water and gently bathes Eskel’s wound, fresh from training. He kisses the wolf’s forehead while he looks after him.
Caring.
At night, Gaetan reaches under the pillow and pulls out his secret, passing the collar round and round in trembling fingers. Holding it to his nose so he can smell the leather. Then pressing it against his forehead like a kiss.
He puts the collar on, and curls against his side, hand resting tenderly against the wall.
He closes his eyes. But his thoughts are too loud. He doesn’t sleep. Something is missing.
Ciri laugh as she reads the letter from Cerys, Queen of Skellige. Her fingers trace the words, and she smells the perfume on the paper.
Gaetan reads the last letter that Joel ever sent him, and the paper scrunches in his fingers. He takes out his secret and presses the collar to his forehead like a kiss, then puts it on before curling up on his side, looking up into imaginary eyes.
He doesn’t sleep. His thoughts are too loud.
Alone.
He slept alone on the path. Why is this different?
Alone.
Letho and Eskel embrace in the main hall, lips locked.
He can hear Keira and Lambert moan with pleasure as he passes their door.
Ciri blinks back from Skellige, a warm smile on her face.
And Gaetan is alone.
There are no arms wrapped around Gaetan except his own.
It will only ever be his own, now.
Alone.
His thoughts are too loud. He does not sleep.
Alone.
There is a knock on the door, and Gaetan quickly hides his secret under the pillow before sitting up, climbing out from under the blanket. “Yeah?”
It’s Eskel and Letho, the wolf at the door, the Viper behind him.
“Hey, kid.” Eskel smiles. “Can we come in?”
Gaetan nods, looking at the window as the other witchers enter, Eskel leaning against the chest of drawers, while Letho stays by the door.
“Letho and me have been talking. We think, and don’t answer if you don’t want to, Kid, but...you’ve been quiet, recently. And...are you sleeping okay?”
“No worse than any other witcher.” Gaetan shrugs.
“That’s a problem.” Letho huffs. “Kaer Morhen’s a safe place. Supposed to be able to sleep here. Really sleep.”
Eskel nods. “Nightmares?”
“It’s not a big deal.”
Alone.
“Gaetan if you’re not sleeping then it is a big deal. You could get sick.”
“Sort of sick that kills you on the path.” Letho says.
“Look, it must be lonely being stuck in here by yourself.” Eskel smiles. “Why don't you join me and Letho tonight. Sleep in our room.”
Gaetan puts his back against the wall, knees drawn to his chest.
“Just sleep.” Eskel smiles. “No funny business.”
“Unless that’s what you want?” Letho smirks.
Gaetan swallows. Should he say yes?
A secret. A secret. Keep it a secret. Others wont understand.
Say yes. Be normal for once. Just...you’re the one that’s different. You’re the one that needs to...change.
Because Joel is gone. Joel is a body in a gibbet on the side of the road into Oxenfurt.
“Just, maybe having someone else there will help you relax.”
You just relax, kitten.
Gaetan looks at the pillow.
At what is under the pillow.
If he leaves the collar behind. If he lets them hold him. Touch him outside and...inside. It will be inside. It will feel wrong. Wrong. Fluids and mess and moans and sensations he can’t control.
No.
When was the last time someone touched him?
Or maybe just hold him. That might be enough. To just be held. They might not mind. Eskel said no funny business. But will it be enough to make his mind quiet?
Or tell them his secret. Hear them laugh. Mock. Belittle.
Alone.
He shakes his head. “I’m good.”
“Gaetan.” Eskel approaches the bed. “Can I sit?”
He pulls his knees in tighter and nods, fingers fidgeting with the cloth of his trousers.
“Look, kid. We’re not going to hurt you. We just want to help. You look exhausted . Will you at least let me use an axii, help calm your thoughts.”
“Axii doesn’t work on me.” Gaetan points at his own head, then scratches at his own scalp, at the fine hair just starting to grow back there. It calms him usually. Self soothing, Joel called it.
“What does help?”
No. No. No. Not here. Not in front of them.
He tears his hand away, scrunches it into the blanket that he is sitting on.
“Do you want us to leave?” Eskel asks.
He doesn’t know.
When Gaetan doesn’t answer, Eskel sighs and stands, looking at Letho who slowly nods before opening the door.
“Offers open, okay Kid. Just come by our room. Don’t worry about the time.”
Gaetan nods.
As soon as the door is closed he pulls his secret out from under the pillow and wraps it gently around his neck before curling up under the blanket, scratching at his own head to calm himself.
His mind is too awake. Too noisy.
Just go to their room.
Maybe it won’t be so bad.
He’s always going to be alone otherwise.
He cries into the pillow.
He doesn’t sleep.
It is when Gaetan falls during training that Eskel pulls him to one side.
“Kid, you’ve got to let us help you. You can barely concentrate.”
“I said I’m fine.” Gaetan pulls himself out the Witcher’s grip. “I’m done here.”
He takes the stairs to his room two at a time, rubbing at his arm where Eskel had gently gripped him.
Touched him.
“Lambert?”
“Hey.” Lambert is in his room. Next to the bed. Holding the blankets.
“What...what are you doing in my…” No, it’s not his room. He is a guest here. This is their room. He just sleeps in it.
But...Lambert is lifting the blankets off of the bed.
“Just changing the bedding. Don’t think you’ve done that since you got here.” Lambert chucks the blankets on the floor. “You’ll sleep better in clean sheets.”
He’s near the pillow.
“No, I’m good. I’m used to the caravan. Yeah. It’s…”
Lambert lifts the pillow.
“STOP!”
Gaetan grabs the pillow, but he is too slow. Lambert…
No no no no no no no.
Lambert quietly lifts the collar, before startling as Gaetan rips it from his hand, stumbling back with his secret...it’s not a secret anymore...held against his chest as he hisses. No. No.
No.
“Gaetan?”
Gaetan runs. Runs.
Run run run run run.
He stops under the mechanism for opening the gate, the Valley on his right, Kaer Morhen on his left, and the collar held against his forehead like a kiss.
Got to be our secret, kitten. Other people, they don’t understand this sort of thing. They might hurt you because of it. Not because it’s wrong. It’s nothing wrong. But...but it isn’t what most others call right. Do you understand? Others might laugh, or mock, because it makes them feel better about not understanding it. And you don’t deserve that.
Gaetan nods, and kisses the collar that Joel made for him.
His secret, not a secret anymore.
But with me, you’re safe. We’re both safe.
It’s starting to snow, and Gaetan is still dressed in his light armour from training. He stands slowly, trembling. He should go back to the keep, but...but...but…
Maybe...Maybe he can make something up. Say he found it while looting an abandoned house. Or...or that it belonged to an old…no…it was under his pillow. Stupid. Should have hidden it better.
A glowing light, buzzing like a bee, stops in front of Gaetan’s face.
“I’ve found him.” Keira’s voice. “He’s at the gate tower. Gaetan, come back. Please.”
The cold is sinking into his legs now, and he stumbles across the wooden bridge connecting the gate tower to the rest of the ramparts, approaching the keep with the speed and enthusiasm of a prisoner walking towards the gallows. The secret that is no longer a secret feels cold in his hands, the leather heavy.
He holds it against his chest as he reaches the inner courtyard, trembling so hard now that it hurts.
“Gaetan.” Letho, and a warm cloak surrounds the cat, the hood pulled up and forward, hiding his hands.
Hiding his secret that isn’t a secret.
“Come on, cat.” Letho wraps his arms around him. “Been looking everywhere for you.” He turns back towards the keep, Gaetan held against his side. “Why’d you run off?”
Has Lambert not told them?
Did Lambert keep my secret?
There are voices in the keep. Keira and Ciri. Lambert. Then the corridors. But this is not the way to Gaetan’s room.
It is Eskel and Letho’s door that opens, their room warmed by a fire and filled with blankets.
“You’re freezing.” Eskel rests a hand against his face. “Let’s get you into bed.”
No.
“Shhh.” Eskel hushes him. “Just to help you warm up.”
Alone.
They take the cloak away. They take the armour away, and replace it with a shirt that falls past his knees. They lay him down under blanket after blanket.
He is still holding the collar.
“I’ll be outside.” Letho says, kissing Eskel before leaving.
The door clicks shut. Quiet. Hardly a sound over the fire. Over Gaetan’s own heartbeat in his ear.
“There we go.” Eskel smiles as he kneels next to the bed, a hand on the headboard above Gaetan’s head. “Just us now, kid.”
Another hand on Gaetan’s shoulder.
“The collar that Lambert found.” Eskel says. “It’s yours?”
No point lying now. Gaetan nods, and closes his eyes.
“Does it help with a headspace?”
Headspace .
Joel had never given it a name.
Gaetan opens his eyes.
“Is that why you haven’t been sleeping? Has it stopped working?”
“Need…” Gaetan swallows, and shakes his head.
“What do you need, Kid?”
Gaetan shakes his head. “It’s not for sex.” He blurts out.
“Okay.” Eskel nods. “So it’s just to relax?”
“And for Joel…” Stop talking stop talking stop talking .
Out there I’m a killer. A monster hunter. Harsh and cruel. But here with you, kitten, I’m a caregiver. I’m gentle.
Eskel isn’t laughing.
Eskel isn’t smiling.
“Joel. Was that your partner?”
“Not like you and Letho. It...it was…”
“Shhh. Take a deep breath.”
Eskel is...calm. Listening.
“What would you do, while wearing the collar?”
“Lay…”
“Where? At his feet? His lap?”
“Lap.” Gaetan mouths the word.
Eskel nods. “Would he talk to you, or just let you lay there.”
Gaetan strokes at his own arm. “Would read.”
“To you or to himself?”
“Himself.” Another mouthed word.
Eskel nods, a small smile coming to his lips. “And would he give you commands?”
Relax, kitten.
Gaetan nods.
“Praise.”
Gaetan swallows, and nods.
“Did he give you a word? If something happened that you don’t like?”
Gaetan shakes his head, then taps at the pillow.
“Tapping. I understand.”
No laughter. Eskel’s voice is quiet. Gentle. Discussing, learning. Asking questions. Making it…
...Making it…
“Safe.” Gaetan whispers.
“Yeah, kid.” Eskel smiles. “You’re safe.”
Safe.
“Would Joel feed you?”
Gaetan nods.
“Would you eat from a bowl or from his hand?”
“Hand.”
“And what food?”
What food?
Gaetan doesn’t know why that is the question that breaks the spell, that pulls tears from his eyes into the pillow he’s curled against, that rips choking sobs from his raw, cold throat. That makes him sniff, and hiccough while Eskel hushes him, a gentle hand on the back of his head.
Gaetan calms, focusing on the hand against his head.
The door opens, and Eskel says something to Letho.
The door closes, and Eskel goes to the other side of the room, picking up a book and sitting on one end of the large sofa there. With the fire to his left, he starts to read.
“Food is on its way. Come join me if you want to. But you don’t have to. You can stay there and rest. I’ll just keep you company from here.”
I’ll keep you safe.
Eskel sits and reads, the way Joel would sit. Waiting for Gaetan to approach him.
Hello, kitten.
Gaetan keeps the collar held against his chest as he slips out from under the blanket, the long sleeping shirt falling past his knees.
Touch. Gentle. Familiar.
Familiar.
It’s not for sex.
Okay.
Eskel turns the page.
Safe.
Yeah kid.
He holds the collar against his chest as he sits on the sofa, knees folded under him.
Eskel’s face is calm, eyes focused on the book, and Gaetan moves slowly, eyes never leaving Eskel’s body as he lays down, his back to the room, his head against Eskel’s thigh.
“Thank you.” Eskel whispers, as if Gaetan has given him a gift.
His attention returns to the book, hand idly petting at Gaetan’s arm when it isn’t turning the page.
“Is this okay?”
Gaetan nods.
Under the mantelpiece, the fire cracks and pops. The room is warm, a stark contrast to the frost and fog against the window glass.
The door opens and closes, and Eskel whispers his thanks to Letho.
Letho leaves, and small cuts of chicken are held against Gaetan’s lips, and he chews quietly.
“Is this okay?” Eskel asks.
Gaetan takes another morsel of food even as his eyes half close, his brain crackling like the fire, heavy like furs and blankets in the winter.
His mind is...quiet. All sound muffled by the fog passing over it.
Water is poured into a cup, Gaetan sat up slightly and encouraged to take gentle sips.
“You’re doing great, kid.”
The book is picked up again, and Gaetan lays on his side, the collar held against his chest.
“Are you still hungry?”
Gaetan shakes his head.
Eskel’s hand leaves his arm, turns the page, then returns to gently pet him, the hand moving to stroke his back in gentle, smooth circles.
The hand moves to tickle his stomach, and Gaetan taps at Eskel’s leg. Keeps tapping until the hand returns to his back.
“Sorry.” Eskel whispers, lowering the book and using both hands to gently scratch at Gaetan’s back and crown. “Sorry.”
Gaetan closes his eyes, and the book is raised again, the page turned before a hand returns to gentle, smooth circles on his back again.
Touched. Gentle. Accepted.
“Go to sleep.”
Safe.
Safe.
His mind is quiet.
He’s not alone.
He’s safe.
He’s not…
His mind is quiet. There is just enough room to listen.
Go to sleep.
Eskel turns to the last page, and rests the finished book on the arm of the chair before settling back against the cushions, free hand moving to rest on Gaetan’s head.
The cat is dozing against Eskel’s thigh, the collar now secure around his neck, and the wolf quickly slips a finger under the leather, checking that it is not too tight against the skin. That done, he goes back to petting the cat’s head.
“Thank you.” He whispers, as if Gaetan has given him a gift.