Archive of Our Own ^beta

Joey’s eyes were cloudy with unshed tears as she slowly made her way down the darkened Boston streets. She still wasn’t quite used to walking around the city alone at night, the air here was so much different than in Capeside, and it caused her to wrap her sweater tighter around her body as she hurried her step. 

Pacey had offered to walk her back to her room, but there was a look in his eyes that told her he was asking more out of a feeling of obligation, rather than an attempt to continue their time together. So, Joey had said no, given him a smile, a wave and jumped down from his boat, turning away from him as soon as her feet had hit the wood of the dock. 

After everything that had happened between them, she refused to be something he felt obligated to. She wouldn’t force him to be uncomfortable around her just for her own sake, she had done enough to him already. 

Luckily, she makes it back to Worthington unscathed, although her eyes are still blurry from the tears she refuses to shed. She entered her building, ready to just curl up in bed, but a figure standing by the stairs stopped her in her tracks. 

“Dawson?” He was leaning against the railing, clearly waiting for her, and her stomach twisted uncomfortably as she approached him. “What are you doing here?” 

He gave her a grin as she came to stand in front of him, and Joey returned it, albeit slightly forced and not with the same childlike wonder and amusement in his. “I came to talk to you.” He paused, realizing she had come from the front entrance. “Where were you?” 

Joey shook her head. While things were better now, between Pacey and Dawson, the fact that she was with Pacey was none of Dawson’s business. Especially because she was pretty sure if she even mentioned Pacey’s name she might start crying. “I just needed some fresh air.” She said with a shrug. “So, what did you want to talk about?” 

He sighed and before Joey could even blink he was launching into a diatribe about his failed internship and lack of inspiration and feeling left out. She felt bad, really she did, she knew how seriously wounded Dawson was about failing, but she also didn't have it in her to listen to him right now. 

“Dawson.” She interrupted gently, watching the air and argument deflate out of him as his eyes met hers. He was clearly searching them for some kind of answer, a sign, some telling of fate. Joey didn’t know how to give him any of that, all she could give him was advice. “I think you should go back to California.” 

Her words clearly shocked him, as his mouth fell open ever so slightly, eyebrows furrowing together in confusion. She offered him a sad smile before continuing. “I just don’t think there’s anything here for you, I think everything you want is waiting for you, you just need to go and get it.” 

“Nothing for me here?” Dawson’s voice was a mixture of hurt, confusion and anger and Joey’s heart squeezed uncomfortably in her chest. She didn’t have the energy for an argument with him. “But you’re here.” 

“I can’t give you the answers that you want, Dawson.” Joey said softly, looking down at the ground before meeting his gaze again. “You need to go and find your own way, just like I do.” 

Hurt flashed across his face, his eyes reminding her of that day back in the spring of junior year. Her stomach lurched. “Are you trying to get rid of me?” 

“No.” Joey said immediately, and it was true. She wasn’t trying to get rid of him, but she also knew that it would be easier if he was gone. Especially because she couldn’t be what he needed her to be, not now and potentially not ever again. “Look, Dawson, you’re destined to accomplish all these amazing things, and California and film school, that’s all just the beginning for you. I can’t bear the thought of you letting it all go, not when you’re so close.” 

“But I failed. I’m a failure.” 

“One failed internship does not make you a failure.” She said, giving him a small smile. “The Dawson Leery I know would never let one misstep get him down, he would be with his resume at the door of every studio in town. You can’t give up now, Dawson.” 

He nodded, her words clearly giving him a tiny bit of hope. “And you?” 

She swallowed tightly. This was the part of the conversation she didn’t want to have. She could give him encouragement and inspiration all day long if he needed it. But, she was fresh out of answers when it came to them. 

Well, that was a lie. She did have an answer for him. But she knew it wasn’t the one that he wanted. 

“My life is here.” She said simply. “And yours is in California.” Dawson’s face fell, eyes dropping to the ground. “Right now, I think we just need to accept that.” 

“But what about…” 

“There’s no buts, not about this Dawson.” Joey said, crossing her arms protectively across her chest. “I think it’s for the best if we just...cut off ties for a while. Give each other some space.” Joey watched as Dawson’s jaw clenched and she sighed softly. “Before you got here, a couple weeks ago, I had left a message on your voicemail, saying that we needed to cut each other loose, have some closure, but you showed up before you had listened to it.” 

Hurt and betrayal flooded Dawson’s face, but Joey pressed on. After everything that had happened this summer and last spring, she needed to be honest with him. Yes, they had kissed. Yes, she had struggled to let him go, but there was nothing between them. At least, not in the way that she had once so desperately hoped there was. Now, all she could hope for is that she hadn’t ruined everything. 

“But I meant it. I still mean it.” She said, grateful her voice hadn’t betrayed her, staying firm and even. “I was really lonely and scared when you showed up, so I was grateful and happy to see you. But, I realize now that we can’t hold onto each other like this, at least I can’t.” 

Dawson nodded, looking far away and detached. But, he didn’t argue with her. And right now, that was good enough for her. 

“I guess I should go then.” He finally said after a few moments of long, uncomfortable silence. “Go back to California.” There was a hint of something in his words, like he wanted her to change her mind, but she didn’t. 

“Call me when you land?”

“Sure. Bye, Joey.” With one last look, he pushed away from the bannister and headed out the door that she had entered through a few minutes earlier. She watched his retreating back, hating the way her stomach unknotted when he disappeared from view. 

It was easy this time to say goodbye. 

After standing there for a few more moments, Joey sighed, shaking her head and making her way down the hallway to her room. The door was unlocked but everything was covered in darkness. Flipping the light on, Joey saw a note on her bed from Audrey, she had gone out to a party with another girl on their floor, instructing Joey not to wait up. 

Didn’t have to tell her twice. 

Ten minutes later, Joey was crawling into bed, burrowing herself underneath the covers. And when all was dark and silent, she cried. 

A few days turn into a week, which quickly turns into two weeks and Joey has yet to see Pacey again. 

He doesn’t show up to that week’s dinner. Her, Jack and Jen order pizza and sit on the living room floor of Grams’s house, regaling each other with stories of their classes and library misgivings. Jen doesn’t ask Joey if she went to see Pacey, and Joey doesn’t bring it up. 

Jack demonstrates that he absolutely hasn’t matured in the month since college started and burps the alphabet for them. 

It’s a fun night, but Joey can’t ignore the feeling like something is missing. 

Almost three weeks go by before she sees Pacey again, and it’s completely by accident. He’s still been dodging their weekly dinners, although according to Jen he had given her an excuse each week, one week it was he had to work the next it was he needed help someone with something. 

Joey was fairly certain he was avoiding her. He had made no effort to get in any kind of contact with her, so at this point she had pretty much given up on seeing him. 

So, needless to say she’s quite surprised when she shows up at Jen’s one afternoon so they can study together and nearly runs straight into him in the front hallway. 

“Pacey.” She says, voice barely above a whisper. She had been nearly sprinting, an effort to get out of the wind and fall chill, so she was out of breath and any she had left was knocked out of her at the sight of him.

To his credit, he looked just as surprised to see her, eyes wide. “Joey. Hi.” 

“Hey, Joey!” Jen called from the kitchen, and Joey threw a wave back in her direction. “I’ll see you later, Pace. Thanks for everything, today.” 

Pacey turned to flash Jen a smile over his shoulder before meeting Joey’s gaze again. “Just here to study.” She mumbled, ignoring the dull aching pain in her chest. So, he was seeking out Jen for company but couldn’t even look her in the eye when they were in the same room. 

“Cool.” He said, shoving his hands in his pockets and looking every bit as uncomfortable as Joey felt. “Well, I should get going.” 

“Yeah, sorry.” She stepped aside, taking a deep breath when he brushed past her. “Bye, Pace.”

“See you later, Jo.” 

He was out the door and out of sight before Joey could blink. Her eyes were once again clouded with tears and she shook her head, wiping at them hastily, grateful that Jen was still banging around in the kitchen. 

Once she was sure that she would be able to speak without her voice cracking, she entered the kitchen, putting her bag down and sitting next to Jen at the table. “Sorry about that.” Jen said after a minute. 

“What are you apologizing for?” 

“I didn’t know that you two would run into each other.” Jen said, looking slightly embarrassed when Joey gazed over at her. “I didn’t mean to make things awkward.” 

Joey snorted, shaking her head. “You didn’t make it awkward, Jen. Pacey and I did that all on our own.” 

Jen smiled, giving a small nod. They both looked down at their books again, but Joey had a hard time concentrating on the work in front of her when all she could think about was the look on Pacey’s face when he had seen her. She had seen a lot of things in Pacey’s eyes in the years that they had known each other, happiness, anger, love, excitement. But she had never seen a look quite like the one she had seen today. 

“So, have you and Pacey been seeing a lot of each other?” Joey asked after a couple of minutes. She watched as Jen shrugged, her eyes still on the book in front of her. 

“Eh, kind of.” Jen had a pink highlighter between her lips and her words were slightly muffled. “We’ve been hanging out on occasion, he helped me out with this thing with Charlie earlier today.” 

Joey nodded, trying to ignore the twist of her heart. While she was happy, that Jen and Pacey were hanging out and that he had been there for her when she needed someone, it still hurt. Hurt to know that Pacey, who once told her that she was always going to be at the top of his list of people to spend time with, had truly been avoiding her. 

“Oh.” She finally said, licking her lips. She watched Jen out of the corner of her eye and saw her friend’s face fall. Realization washed over her features. 

“Joey, I’m so-”

“You don’t need to apologize for that, Jen.” Joey quickly said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “As much as it hurts that Pacey seems to be avoiding me, you don’t need to apologize for spending time with him. He’s your friend, and you shouldn’t have to hide that or whatever just because of me.” 

Jen nodded in understanding, but still looked concerned. “Joey, can I ask you something?” Joey shrugged, “Have you talked to Pacey at all? Since the restaurant?”

The question threw Joey for a loop. While Joey had kept her visit with Pacey to herself, more because it hurt too much to think about, she would have assumed he would have mentioned it. She wondered what his reasons were for keeping it a secret. 

“Yeah.” She admitted softly, not wanting to lie. “I went and saw him the next day, down at his boat. We talked, and I thought that maybe things were back to being okay between us, and it’s not like it’s bad or anything, but, we just haven’t talked since then.” 

Jen didn’t respond, merely resting her hand between Joey’s shoulders. The gesture nearly made her cry. 

They stayed like that for a couple minutes, interrupted only by the front door opening and closing, the cheerful ‘hello girls!’ from Grams drifting in from the front hall. Jen’s hand dropped away, but she gave Joey a reassuring smile and the two went back to their work. 

Pacey’s name wasn’t brought up again. 

“Can I come this time, please?” Joey paused from her place in front of her closet, sending a look in Audrey’s direction. “Pretty please.” 

“You want to come to Sunday dinner?” Her question was accompanied by an incredulous eyebrow raise, which caused Audrey to roll her eyes. “You do know we just sit around and eat take out and complain about college, right?” 

“Which are three activities that I am incredibly gifted at.” Audrey argued, standing up from her place on the bed to come in front of Joey. “Are you ashamed of me?”

Joey laughed softly, Audrey’s forlorn expression and puppy dog eyes causing her to shake her head. “No, hardly. Besides, you’ve met Jack and Jen before. It's not like I’m hiding them from you or vice versa.” 

“Well then how come you’ve never let me come with you?” 

“That would be because I believe the first time I went to one you told me it sounded boring and ‘grandma-y.’” Audrey waved her hand at Joey’s words, grabbing her upper arms. 

“I was obviously kidding.” Joey smiled, shaking her head. 

“Look, Audrey, you're welcome to come, I’m sure Jack and Jen won’t mind.” Audrey clapped her hands in delight, going over to her side of the room and pulling her closet door open. “Just don't complain if you end up bored.” 

Slipping a sweater over her t-shirt, Joey looked at herself in the mirror, raising her eyebrows when she saw Audrey pulling out a low cut, sequined tank top and holding it in front of her body. 

“Audrey…” Joey starts, turning around to give Audrey a raised eyebrow look. 

“Now, are you absolutely certain that Jack is gay?” 

“Yup, pretty sure.” She giggles as Audrey puts the shirt away and pulls out a patterned blouse instead. It takes another fifteen minutes for Audrey to do her hair, but before long they’re standing in front of Jen and Jack’s. 

“Joey!” Jen exclaims with a grin as she opens the door. “And you brought Audrey.” She quickly adds, her smile barely wavering. “C’mon in.” 

Audrey is practically buzzing with excitement as they walk through the door, eyes moving quickly around the room, trying to take in as much as it as she can. Joey laughs softly, shaking her head. Before she can move any further, though, Jen catches her arm and pulls her towards the stairs. 

“What?” Joey groans, nearly falling as she trips over her feet. “What’s wrong?” She asks when she sees the expression on Jen’s face. Her eyes are wide and her hands are playing nervously with the ends of her hair. 

But, before Jen can answer, Joey hears a surprised yelp from the other room and Audrey’s voice floats to them from the kitchen. “And who might you be?” 

Joey’s stomach drops. “Pacey’s here.” Jen says, wincing when Pacey’s lets out a low chuckle to Audrey’s question. “I’m so sorry, Joey.” 

“Jen, how many times have I told you that you don’t need to apologize for any of this.” Joey said, although she could barely hear her own voice over the ringing in her ears. It’s like her body was programmed to be on high alert in Pacey’s presence. 

“I know, but still, I didn’t mean to surprise you like this.” Jen sighs, tucking her hair behind her ears. “I ran into Pacey earlier and he asked if we were still having this dinner tonight and asked if he could come and…”

“And it’s fine.” Joey said, hating the way her voice wavered. “I invited him myself when I went and visited him a couple weeks ago. I don’t want this to turn into some weird scenario where Pacey and I can never be in the same room and we end up eventually forcing you and Jack to make choices between us.”

“Are you sure?” Jen asked, genuine concern swimming in her eyes. 

“Yes. I’m sure.” She replied, doing her best to smile at her friend. “And that’s not just because I know if given the choice you and Jack would both pick Pacey.” 

Joey was kidding, obviously, while at one point the idea of her and Jen being friends was a foreign concept, now it was a welcome reality. She knew that she might never truly be able to make up for what had happened sophomore year, and the things she had said, she would do everything she could to make sure Jen knew how much she appreciated her. And part of that was not letting Pacey’s presence affect her. 

The two girls entered the kitchen, a small grin falling upon Joey’s face when she spotted Jack at the counter, an unopened can of Diet Coke sitting next to him, clearly waiting for her. However, her smile quickly dropped as her eyes fell on Audrey and Pacey. 

Audrey was leaning against the ledge of the counter, hair flipped over her shoulder and her eyes sparkling as she laughed at something Pacey had said. Joey had been to enough parties at this point to know that Audrey was flirting. It wasn’t Audrey that made her stomach drop and her heart hammer in her chest, though. 

It was Pacey. He was mirroring Audrey’s stance, an easy smile on his face as he moved his hands around, clearly in the middle of some kind of story. Twice in the thirty seconds that Joey stood there, he reached out to touch Audrey’s shoulder, jokingly pointing at his eyes to make sure she was listening to him. 

He was flirting with her. 

Joey wasn’t exactly an expert at male flirting, more than once in the last couple months she had to be told by Audrey or Jen that some college guy was making the moves on her. But, she knew Pacey’s flirting. Hell, she had been the sole receiver of his flirting for almost an entire year. 

And now seeing him do it with someone else, hell her roommate of all people, she felt like she was going to be sick. Joey was no idiot, she knew that Pacey had probably been with people in the months since their break up, but as far as Joey was concerned it was out of sight, out of mind. 

Now, it was impossible to ignore. 

She needed to get out of here. Eyes pulling away from Audrey and Pacey, they sought out something else, finding Jack who was still sitting at the island, playing some sort of hand game with Jen. His expression quickly turned to one of concern, though, when he caught a glimpse of Joey’s face. 

“Hey, Joey, you okay?” 

Joey nodded, gulping. “Yeah, I just...I need some air I think.” 

She turned on her heel and exited the room without another word, barely registering where she was going until she was out the door and on the sidewalk, her breath coming out in shallow pants. 

“Joey.” His hand was on her shoulder and his voice in her ear before she could register that she wasn’t alone and she nearly jumped out of her skin at the contact. “Are you okay?” Genuine concern was painted all over his face, but Joey couldn’t bear to look at it, and she pulled her arm from his hold. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just… got hot.” She said, Pacey's eyes told her that she knew she was lying, but he nodded slightly. Joey turned away from him, too overwhelmed to look into those eyes that used to make her feel like the only girl in the entire world and remind her that there was someone who loved her. 

He didn’t give that to her anymore, and now that she had seen him with Audrey, looking at him was just a painful reminder that someday there was going to be another girl who he did that for. 

“Are you sure?” His words were soft and Joey wanted nothing more than to just turn around and curl up in his chest and let his arms wrap around her. But she couldn’t do that anymore. 

“Yeah, I’m sure.” Joey could hear the tightness in her voice from the sobs she refused to release. “I just need some air, that’s all.” 

Pacey hovered for a moment, she could sense him moving behind her, hearing the tapping of his fingers against his legs and the scuff of his feet against the sidewalk. “Okay.” He said after a couple moments. 

He didn’t leave however, and the longer he stood there, the more and more Joey’s chest felt like it was going to explode. Couldn’t he get the hint that it was because of him? Realize that being around him still made her feel like all her nerve endings were firing off at once? Couldn’t he know her as well as he did a year ago? 

When had everything gotten so complicated between them? 

Not for the first time, Joey longed for those blissful months on True Love , when it was just her and Pacey getting to know each other in ways she never imagined they would. When he knew exactly what to say to make her smile and could read her mind just by looking at her. 

What had she done to make him pull away from her like this? Why did she have to ruin everything good in her life? 

And why did she still want so desperately for him to be hers again? 

“What?” She finally choked out, spinning around to look at him. “I’m fine, Pacey.” 

“You don’t seem fine.” Pacey said softly, taking a step towards her. She nearly flinched, taking a step back. 

Joey’s stomach lurched and she felt tears spring up in her eyes and for once she didn’t have the desire to wipe them away. Pacey seemed insistent on getting the truth out of her, so she might as well give it to him. 

“Yeah, okay, you know what I’m not fine.” She said, throwing her hands up in the air, ignoring the way her heart twisted when she saw the hurt expression on Pacey’s face. “Because honestly, truth be told, I really don’t know if I can sit in there and pretend like everything is fine and normal when all I can think about is what the hell I did to make you hate me so much.” 

Pacey reacted like she had slapped him, taking a step back, his eyes wide. Guilt washed over her, but she couldn’t stop the next wave of words from spilling out into the early evening Boston air that separated them. 

“I mean I must have done something pretty horrible to make you leave without saying goodbye, to make you not even want to tell me that you were leaving, or that you had graduated. God, do you know how much it hurt to hear from Andie the next day that you had gotten on some boat for the summer. I thought that I didn’t matter enough to you anymore.

“I spent almost all summer wondering if I was even gonna see you again, and the time I wasn’t wondering that, I was wondering if you had skipped town because of me. If it was so hard to be around me that you couldn’t even stand to look at me.” 

Pacey’s eyes shone with tears and Joey had to swallow down a sob. Her chest burned, embarrassed and hurt. Despite the fact that she had taken a few steps forward during her speech, she felt further away from Pacey than she thought possible. 

Before either one of them could speak, light spilled out onto the sidewalk between them, and Jen’s voice floated towards them from the doorway. 

“Hey, everything alright out here? Jack ordered Chinese and it’ll probably be here soon.” If Jen had any idea of the emotional gravity of the situation between them, she didn’t show it. Joey was grateful. 

“Yeah, thanks, Jen. But I actually think I’m gonna go.” Joey said, looking over to her friend, trying her best to give her a reassuring smile. “I don’t really feel that well and I have a class in the morning.” 

“Are you sure?” Jen asked, clearly concerned. “Because you can come lay down in my room or something, so you don’t have to walk all the way back to Worthington.” 

Meeting Pacey’s eyes, Joey felt like she could vomit all over the pavement. “Yeah, I’m sure.” 

“Okay, well, feel better, Jo.” 

“Yeah, feel better.” Pacey’s voice was rough, and scratchy, like he was trying his best not to cry and Joey’s heart sank. As much as she knew her words would hurt him, she still hated that she had made him feel like that. 

She could only give him a forced, watery smile, before she had to turn away. She walked slowly away from the house, swallowing roughly when she heard the whispered voices of Jen and Pacey. She didn’t want to know what they were all going to say about her, or what Pacey would disclose about their conversation. 

Once Joey was sure she was out of their sight, she ran. Not sure of when she would stop. 

The next morning Audrey corners Joey in the bathroom badgering her about what happened the night before. Joey brushes her off, sticking with the illness story, but she can tell Audrey doesn’t totally believe her. 

“Pacey seemed really worried about you when he came back inside.” Joey froze at the sink, refusing to meet Audrey’s gaze in the mirror. “Then he got all weird and quiet.” 

Audrey shrugged, grabbing her nail file from next to Joey’s face wash and exiting the small space, humming to herself. Joey feels a wave of guilt wash over her, while she doesn’t necessarily regret telling Pacey the truth, no matter how much it hurt, she really could work on her timing. 

Then again, Pacey did dump her in the middle of their senior prom, so maybe bad timing was just a prerequisite to every important conversation of their relationship. Not that they had any relationship to speak of, in fact, Joey would be surprised if Pacey spoke to her again after last night. 

Finishing up washing her hands and face, Joey moves from the bathroom to her side of the room, feeling Audrey’s gaze on her as she starts looking around in her closet. 

“So….” 

“Yes, Audrey.” Joey turned, raising her eyebrow at her roommate. “Just go ahead, ask me what you’ve been actually wanting to ask me all morning.” 

Audrey let out a sigh, moving over to Joey’s bed and flopping back on it. She then raised herself up on her elbows to look at Joey, a curious expression on her face. “What’s Pacey’s deal?”

“His deal?” Joey asked, clearly her throat after her voice betrayed by raising not one, but two octaves. While she had given Audrey the brief, very abridged version of her and Pacey’s history back when she had run into him at the restaurant ( “He was my boyfriend last year, but we broke up before graduation” ), she had refused to say anything else on the matter. And while she supposed she could understand Audrey’s curiosity, there was still so much that Joey wasn’t ready to tell her. She probably never would be. 

“Yeah, like what’s his story? I know you guys dated last year, but I don’t know what’s he into, what’s his type…” Audrey trailed off, lips pursed thoughtfully, “he seems really interesting.” 

Joey’s heart jumped into her throat. She recognized that level of interest from Audrey, and the wistful way in which she spoke. No, no, no. This was not happening. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, turning away so Audrey couldn’t see her face. 

“Audrey…” She said after a moment, shaking her head slightly. “I don’t know…” 

“Oh, sorry. Am I totally crossing a line?” Audrey jumped up from the bed, standing behind Joey and placing her chin on Joey’s shoulder. Joey couldn’t help the smile that crosses her face, Audrey was quite a few inches shorter than her and Joey knew she had to stand up on her tiptoes. “It’s totally inappropriate to ask you that question.”

Joey forced an appreciative smile, holding back a response that it wasn’t the fact that she was asking Joey the question, it was the fact that she was asking the question at all. Suddenly, a flash of images clouded Joey’s vision, Audrey and Pacey kissing, Audrey and Pacey touching each other, holding hands, that look in Pacey’s eyes and Audrey’s megawatt smile. 

She wanted to scream. 

“Listen, Audrey…” Joey turned so she could fully face Audrey, swallowing nervously. 

“No, Joey, you don’t have to explain yourself.” Audrey held up her hands, patting Joey’s shoulders. “I should know better, you don’t just ask girls questions like that about their ex boyfriends.” 

While Joey appreciated that Audrey was trying to spare her feelings, she wished she could just tell Audrey that it wasn’t bothering her that Audrey was curious about Pacey, what bothered her was that she was pretty sure she was still completely and totally in love with him and the mere thought of him being with anyone else, let alone her roommate, made her want to throw her body off the top of Hancock Tower. 

But she digressed. 

“Do you think he’ll come to Sunday dinner next week?” Audrey asked, moving over to her own side of the room, picking up her hairbrush, running it through her hair and eyeing Joey with a grin reminiscent of a hunter stalking its prey. 

Joey sighed, letting out a shaky breath, shrugging her shoulders. “I don’t know. I didn’t even know he would be there this week.” 

“Oh, well, okay.” Audrey said cheerily. “That was so much fun, last night, I can’t wait to go again next week.” 

Joey’s stomach lurched, a forced smile on her face, ignoring the way her heart fell at Audrey’s words. While she had already said that Pacey had acted weird after their interaction on the street, was it really a barrel of fun after she left? Images of the foursome sitting around the table, laughing and smiling without her flooded her brain, invading the corners of her mind. 

“Yeah, I’m sure it’ll be really fun.” Joey said back, hating how small her voice sounded. 

“And hopefully Pacey will be there.” The smile on Audrey’s face shifted into a small smirk, her back turned to Joey now as she eyed herself in the mirror. 

“Yeah, hopefully.” Joey said, hating how much despite everything that happened last night, her words were true. 

Pacey didn’t show up at Sunday dinner the next week. 

Jen told Audrey that it was because he had some work thing going on that he couldn’t get out of, but the look she threw at Joey told her that it was a lie. Joey supposed she couldn’t blame him, no matter how much she wanted to. 

She couldn’t help but smirk at the irony of the whole thing, though. She had invited Pacey to these dinners all those weeks ago in order to try and make things normal, well as normal as they could be, between them. To bring their group back together, and finally last week it seemed like it was finally possible. 

Until Joey went and ruined it by having an emotional breakdown out on the sidewalk. 

The dinner was still enjoyable though, Jen made spaghetti and Jack teased her endlessly about how the noodles ended up sticking together and ultimately they all consumed more bread than they did the meal itself, but it’s still fun. Audrey barely pouts over the absence of Pacey and excluding Jen’s initial explanation, his name isn’t mentioned. 

Although, as much as the whole thing ends up being a relief, she can’t help the way her heart aches. The hole that’s been taking form ever since senior prom night all those months ago growing bigger and bigger. 

In November, Joey’s professor asks her to be a part of a study group and while she’s initially hesitant, it’s through multiple conversations with Audrey, mainly to prove her wrong, that pushes her to say yes. Which is how she finds herself on the last Saturday before Thanksgiving getting ready to go to Professor Wilder’s house. 

“Joey, I still can’t believe a hot professor wants to spend extra time with you outside of class, at his house no less!” 

“Yeah, me and fifteen other people.” Joey replies, pulling a cardigan over her button up shirt. She ignored the comment about Professor Wilder being hot, the words leaving her stomach churning. She supposed he wasn’t completely unappealing looking, but she doesn’t know if ‘hot’ is a word she can apply to someone who assigns her homework. 

“Well, you certainly are dressing up nicely, so don’t sound too against it.” Audrey says with a wink, flipping the page of her magazine. 

Joey was once again annoyed that Audrey had been standing right there when Professor Wilder asked her, she could have certainly lived with her roommate’s taunting, despite how innocent and light it might have been. At the very least it would have provided the opportunity for Joey to think things over herself, without Audrey’s strictly sex forward mindset. 

Rolling her eyes, Joey turned to look at Audrey, pulling her hair up into a ponytail and tying it off with the ponytail holder around her wrist. “Audrey, I’m going because it’s a good opportunity, not because of what he looks like. And I’m just trying to look nice, you know, make a good impression.” 

Audrey hummed, smirking, regarding Joey’s appearance. “I suppose you are quite low on the sex factor right now, so I guess I believe you.” 

“You should believe me, because it’s true.” Grabbing her book bag from her desk, Joey checked to make sure she had everything before turning to Audrey once more. “Well, I’m off, I don’t know when I’ll be back.” 

“Alright, Bunny.” Audrey said cheerily, jumping up from her bed. “Oh, by the way, I probably won’t wait up. Jen said something about hanging out tonight and she thinks Pacey might tag along.” Something flashed in Audrey’s eyes and Joey’s gut tightened with jealousy. It had been a while since Audrey had talked about Pacey, at least with her, but Joey had a feeling that Audrey’s crush hadn’t waned much in the weeks since she had met him. 

“Okay.” Joey finally says after a beat of silence, avoiding Audrey’s gaze as she puts her jacket on. She doesn’t want her roommate to see the disappointed look on her face or sense the irritation that was quickly crawling up her spine. 

He’s not your boyfriend anymore, Joey. She reminded herself as she bid Audrey one more goodbye before exiting her room, You don’t get to feel this way . 

With a small sigh, she shook her head, pushing the thoughts of Pacey, and Pacey and Audrey from her mind, she had bigger things to focus on tonight. Professor Wilder’s image then flashed to the forefront of her mind and she smiled to herself as she began the walk to his house. 

Joey had meant it, Professor Wilder certainly wasn’t someone she was attracted to, but she couldn’t deny how nice it felt that he had personally asked her to be involved in a project with him. She was only a freshman, so it was an honor that he saw something in her and wanted her to help. 

So, really, knowing all that, it would have been rude to say no. 

At least that’s what she told herself. 

Hours later, Joey found herself wandering down by the water, head in a fog. Tonight had been well weird at best and uncomfortable and unpleasant at worst, and Joey’s feet had led her down to the harbor, hoping to gain some sense of clarity. 

She didn’t intentionally seek Pacey out, but somehow it was his boat that she soon found herself standing in front of. 

“Hey.” His voice snapped her out of her thoughts, and her eyes were unfocused for a moment before they landed on him. He was sitting out on the deck, a book in his hand, despite the chilly temperature. “What are you doing here?” 

There was a softness to his voice that almost made her cry. Before she could speak he had jumped down onto the dock in front of her, eyes searching her face for any indication of what she was thinking. Joey noticed he wasn’t touching her though, clearly still hesitant after what had occurred not that long ago. 

“I honestly, don’t really know.” Joey admitted, eyes lifting up to look into his before she had to avert her eyes to the dock. The intensity of his warm blue gaze sent a shiver down her spine. “I guess I just started walking and ended up here.” 

Her voice betrayed her by being smaller, and less confident than she would have liked. Pacey would immediately be able to tell that something was wrong, and one look up from the dock to his face told her that he did indeed. 

“What happened?” He asked softly, taking a small step towards her. She shrugged, pulling her coat tighter around her body. Her light shivers had turned into full body shakes, the air off the water mixed with her high levels of anxiety and being this close to Pacey giving her a physical reaction. “Hey, let’s go inside.” 

Joey was still too foggy to argue, so she nodded, allowing Pacey to hoist her up onto the deck of the boat, leading her down into the cabin area. Joey took a cursory look around, noted the small kitchen area, the cramped sitting area and the dark back end where the bed and bathroom must have been. 

It was nice, and luckily looked absolutely nothing like the True Love’ s. 

Pacey hovered in the kitchen area, filling the small kettle he had up with water and setting it on the stovetop. The gesture made Joey’s eyes cloud with tears and she forced herself to look away from him, wiping them away before he could notice. 

A couple minutes of silence stretched out between them, and Joey did her best to ignore the awkwardness. It wasn’t that long ago when hours of silence could exist between them, but as Joey was once again reminded, things were different now. And that was something she was still getting used to. 

Before long, however, Pacey was setting a mug down in front of her, a tea bag string dangling by the handle. The label indicated that it was the same tea that she told him once was the kind her mom used to make for her. She gives him a watery smile as he sits down across from her at the table, lifting the mug to her lips and taking a small sip. 

“Joey, you know that you don’t have to tell me anything, I’d never force you to or anything.” Pacey says on a small sigh, eyes meeting hers as she sets the mug back down on the table. “And I know that things are…” Joey practically winces at his pause, swallowing tightly. “Well, weird, between us, but I would never want you to feel like you couldn’t talk to me.” 

Joey suddenly can’t find her voice and she can only nod at Pacey’s words. Despite everything that had happened, she knew he was telling the truth, that he meant everything that he was saying. It was something perhaps unspoken between them, something that had solidified years back in their friendship, that no matter how they treated each other on a day to day basis, no matter how mad or sad or frustrated they were with each other, they would always be there for each other either with words or actions. 

“And I know, that perhaps my actions lately haven’t exactly displayed that, but truthfully, I can’t stand the idea of you thinking that you can’t be open and honest with me.” There’s something more to his words as he eyes her and Joey doesn’t miss the implication. Lies and hidden truths on both ends had been a big part of the reason they had broken up all those months ago. 

“I know.” Joey said softly, daring herself to look into Pacey’s eyes. He was looking at her in a way that he hadn’t in months and her heart beat erratically in her chest. “In fact, weirdly enough, after everything, you’re still one of the only people I feel like I can talk to.” 

The admission comes with a shaky sigh from Pacey and Joey feels her face heat up, slightly embarrassed for her honesty. She felt so vulnerable and open around him, the walls that she had spent so long building up the past few months away from him, crumbling with ease. She should have known that being in such close proximity to him would strip her down to her barest state and she wouldn’t be able to hide anything from him. 

“Did something happen tonight, Jo?” Pacey finally asked after a long, slightly uneasy pause. Joey looked up from the surface of the table to meet his gaze, only being able to give a small nod. 

For a brief moment, Joey was transported back in time, to the passenger seat of the Witter Wagoneer, tears in her eyes after getting her heart broken and thinking real, true love would never happen for her. How wrong she had been. 

Pacey’s face was troubled, darkness shrouded his eyes as he looked at her. A shiver ran up her spine and her hands tightened their grip on the coffee mug. “What happened? Did someone hurt you?”

Joey’s eyes clouded with tears as she shook her head. “It was nothing like that.” She says, barely on a whisper, wiping at her cheeks. “A couple weeks ago, one of my professors invited me to be in this study group. At first, I didn’t really know if I wanted to do it, but I was the only freshman who got asked, so I felt super honored, you know?” 

She watches as Pacey gulps, fingers tapping the tabletop. “Audrey convinced me to say yes, but she kept teasing me about how cute the professor was and how he probably thought I was hot.” Pacey tenses and Joey gives a humorless chuckle. “I told her that she was being ridiculous, but after tonight, I feel like that’s not totally off base.” 

“What happened?” Despite Joey’s reassurance that nothing had happened, Pacey’s voice was still cloaked in anger. “Did he say something to you?” 

Joey shook her head, pushing her hair back from her forehead, tucking it nervously behind her ears. “It was more just, the way he looked at me.” She finally admitted, shrugging slightly. Circling the rim of the mug with her finger, Joey swallowed tightly, feeling exposed, but somehow comforted under Pacey’s gaze. “I don’t know, maybe I’m overthinking this.” 

Crossing her arms across her chest, Joey suddenly felt protective of herself. Like she was an animal that was retreating back into its habitat, away from a predator. Pacey wasn’t a predator though, but she was still terrified of what he would see. 

“I’m sure you’re not.” He said softly, hand reaching across the table and stopping just outside of her personal space bubble. She wanted so desperately to grab his hand and revel in the comfort he was willing to provide to her, but she knew if she did, she wouldn’t be able to come back from it. “And even so, if something makes you feel uncomfortable, then you’re allowed to feel uncomfortable.” 

With a soft sigh, Joey leaned back slightly on the bench seat, nodding her head. A blanket of silence covered them then, but despite the scenario, it was the most comfortable Joey had felt all night. Somehow, even at their weirdest and most unsure, Pacey still had that kind of effect on her. 

“So, do you think you’ll keep going?” Pacey finally asked a couple minutes later, eyes looking at her curiously. “To the meetings, I mean, you said there were more, right?” 

She nodded again, shrugging her shoulders. “Yeah, until the end of the school year.” Joey shuddered slightly, the thought of going back to Professor WIlder’s house sending a panic up her spine. “I don’t want to go back.” She admitted softly, “But, I’d feel bad if I quit. I don’t wanna just give up.” 

Pacey chuckled softly, and Joey felt a rise in annoyance at his amusement, but he stopped at the look she gave him, expression softening. “I’m not laughing at you, I promise, at least not in the way you think.” Joey merely raised an eyebrow skeptically, Pacey was far from cruel but it wasn’t totally unheard of for him to make fun of her. “I just find it funny that you’re still just as stubborn and determined as you were when we were twelve years old and Dawson and I told you we didn’t think you could get to the top of that tree in Dawson’s yard.” 

Feeling slightly guilty for her jump to conclusion, Joey smiled softly at the memory. “I don’t think the two situations are really the same.” She said simply, and he nodded in agreement. 

“I agree, which is why I’m gonna tell you that I don’t think anyone would fault you for not going back. There’s nothing wrong with getting out of a situation that you don’t like anymore, or that makes you uncomfortable.” 

“Just like you did?” The words were out of Joey’s mouth before she could stop herself, and she watched as Pacey’s face fell, if only for a brief moment, before he gave a forced smile. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.” She adds on quickly, face flushing with embarrassment. 

Pacey merely shrugs though, quickly standing up from the table, taking his mug with me. “You don’t have to apologize.” He says, however, his words don’t absolve her of guilt as he refuses to look at her. “I think I deserved that one.” 

Joey’s gaze lowers to stare at the uneven pattern in the fake wooden tabletop, throat tight as she swallows nervously. The last thing she wants to do right now is fight with him, not after the night she had just had, not when all she really wants to do is crawl into his embrace and feel the safe hold of his arms around her. 

A feeling in which Joey sensed would be foreign to her for the unforeseeable future. 

“I thought I was doing the right thing.” Pacey finally said after a long stretch of silence. “Leaving, the way that I did.” Joey turns to look at him, her nerves running rampant, sending jolts of nervous energy up her spine. “I thought that it would make everything easier.” 

Joey swallowed, heart leaping into her throat. “Nothing about you leaving could ever be easy.” She admitted softly, watching as the realization and hurt crossed Pacey’s face. “Nothing about what happened last year was easy.” 

Pacey sighed deeply and Joey watched as he lowered his head. Stomach twisted uncomfortably, Joey suddenly felt like she couldn’t breathe, the air in the small sailboat cabin feeling heavy. She feared she had crossed some kind of line, but she couldn’t keep her eyes off of Pacey, desperately anticipating his response like a dying man anticipates air. 

“I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said, you know, a while back at Jen and Jack’s.” He  says eventually, voice soft, contemplation coating his words. He doesn’t move any closer to her, however, keeping them separated by the small kitchen counter. “As awful as it sounds, I had no idea that me leaving hurt you like that and it kills me that it did.” 

Throat tight, Joey nodded, unable to form words to go along with the thoughts that were running through her head. 

“I was so focused on getting out and saving myself from whatever road I could feel myself going down that I never imagined what me leaving would do to you.” Eyes suddenly cloudy, Joey looked down to the ground, the cracks and bumps in the floor blurry through her tears. “But I promise you, Joey, that leaving Capeside was never about trying to get away from you.” 

Joey looked up to meet his gaze, his blue eyes warm and intense as he looked at her. “In fact,” he continued slowly, taking a few cautious steps towards her, “when I thought about reasons to stay, I could really only think of one.” 

“Which was what?” Joey asked softly, finding her voice as she lost herself in the intense hue of his eyes. 

“You.” 

Joey didn’t know what force took over her body then, but it was definitely out of her control because before she could think, she was out of her seat and in his embrace, arms around his neck. Their lips came together in a blazing passion that nearly knocked Joey off of her feet, and it might have if Pacey’s hands hadn’t caught her in the small of her back, pulling her body as close to his as possible. 

It felt like she was drowning and coming up for air at the same time, like she was being sent to a whole new place but also like she was coming home. It felt like everything, it felt like Pacey. 

Which is exactly why she had to pull away. 

Nose brushing against his, Joey’s breath was ragged and she noticed that Pacey’s cheeks were flushed. Her heart was threatening to beat out of her chest and she took a deep breath to try and calm the parts of her body that he had touched, skin still tingling from the feel of his hands. 

When Pacey opened his eyes, he smiled slightly at her and Joey crashed back to reality, the deafening realization of what had just happened sending a panic up her spine and her stomach nearly fell to her feet. 

“I have to go.” She stuttered out, stumbling out of his embrace. She couldn’t meet his eyes, she couldn’t feel his hands on her, she couldn’t even be in the same room as him. 

Grabbing her bag from the table, she tripped up the stairs, pushing the door open and gasping for air as she jumped from the dock of his boat. She could barely think straight, mind somehow more fogged than it was when she showed up here earlier. 

Pacey didn’t call after her. 

Joey spends the entire next day holed up in her room. 

She forces herself to get out of bed, but that’s more in an effort to stop Audrey from questioning her than anything else. Luckily, Audrey had been out when Joey got home the night before, so she was able to feign sleep and ignore any questions. 

Jen calls her three times, the first two times she lets it go to voicemail and the third time she answers only to make up an excuse five minutes later as to why she can’t talk. 

Pacey doesn’t call her, not that she expected him to, besides she’s the one that ran away from him. 

Sunday dinner is canceled for that night, Jack needs to pack for Italy to visit Andie, and Jen has homework she needs to finish. Audrey is disappointed, pouting her way through the rest of their day, but Joey is relieved. 

Thanksgiving is uneventful. 

Audrey calls her from California to complain about her mom and ex boyfriend, Joey lends her sympathetic ear and is actually happy to help Audrey deal with her problems, as it prevents her from having to think about her own. 

The Leerys decide to take Baby Lily to LA to visit Dawson, and Jen and her grandma journey to spend the holiday in New York with Jen’s mom, so Capeside is quiet, the absence of Joey’s friends making her feel lonely, but it at least gives her an excuse to stay locked up at the B&B. 

She has no idea if Pacey is in town, the memory of their kiss too fresh for her to think about him for too long without getting flustered. Bessie does her a favor and doesn’t bring him up all week, focusing instead on topics such as Joey’s classes and living in a dorm. 

The holiday is quiet and subdued but Joey keeps herself busy. The more she can do to avoid thinking about Pacey, the better. She refuses to get caught up in the way his lips felt against hers like no time had passed since their last kiss, and in the way his hands touched her body like he had memorized every inch of her. 

Yup, she absolutely refuses to think about it. Because if she does, lord knows what kind of impulsive action she’d take next. 

She’s over studying with Jen and Jack two weeks after Thanksgiving, and one week before finals, when she finally drops the bomb. 

“I kissed Pacey.” 

Jack, who had been reaching for a handful of pretzels from the bowl on the table, gapes at her, mouth open in shock, while Jen hides a smirk under her hand. 

“What? When? Where?” Jack immediately asks, looking between her and Jen, who now is definitely trying not to laugh. “Did you know about this?” He asks Jen, who shrugs, still laughing. 

“I didn’t know exactly, but you both have been acting weird for like three weeks, it wasn’t hard to figure out that something happened.” Jen says simply. “I assumed that it was probably something of the kissing variety, but I wasn’t sure, so thanks for the confirmation.” She sends Joey a grin, who rolls her eyes in response. 

Sighing, Joey shakes her head, fighting off the embarrassed blush that creeps up her neck and onto her cheeks. She wishes she hadn’t just blurted it out like that, but maybe talking about it will help her stop thinking about it. She’s barely been able to study for her finals because all she can think about is that damn kiss. 

“So, what happened?” Jen asks, sharing a smile with Jack, who seems to have gotten over his initial shock and now just looks at her with curiosity. “I mean, it had to be something exciting if it’s still getting you all hot and bothered…”

“I am not hot and bothered.” 

“Sure.”

“Obviously.” 

The best friends share another smile before Jen turns her attention back to Joey. “It’s not a big deal if you are, I mean from my observation Pacey is still the only guy who has managed to get your motor running, so…” 

Mouth falling open at her friend’s words, Joey puts her head down on the table, groaning slightly. Jen and Jack both chuckle and Jack’s hand pats her back. 

“Oh c’mon, Joey, you know that nothing we’re saying is exactly inaccurate so why don’t you just tell us what happened.” 

With a sigh Joey lifts up her head and pushes her hair behind her ears. “Well, I went to go see him the Saturday before Thanksgiving, I had gone to this thing earlier and it hadn’t gone so great so I ended up at Pacey’s.”

“Awwww.” Jen says, ignoring the look that Joey threw her as she grinned.

“Anyways, I don’t know, we started talking and then it just happened. You know how things are with us, I can never think straight around him.” 

Resting her head on her chin, Joey sighed again, looking between Jack and Jen. “Maybe I’m slow, but I kinda fail to see how this is a problem.” Jack says after a few beats of silence. Jen nods in agreement. “From where I’m standing, it seems like you still have feelings for him and he still has feelings for you and you kissed, where’s the issue?” 

“Remember Jack, this is Joey we’re talking about.” Jen adds. “She looks for problems in anything, because she would rather run away than face her feelings.” 

“I’m sitting right here.” 

“Good, then you can hear what I’m trying to say.” Jen sends her a look and Joey rolls her eyes. “But, Jack’s right, Joey. You’ve been bummed out about Pacey all semester, you thought he had moved on and now you get some kind of indication that he hasn’t, so what’s the problem?”

“The problem is that I’m still hurt by everything that happened last year.” Joey says softly, looking at her two friends. “And what makes now so different, who's to say that the same exact thing won’t happen again?” 

Both of her studying companions don’t seem to have a response, Jack takes a sip of his drink, clearly considering her words, while Jen looks at her with a small smile. 

“I think those fears are really natural, Joey.” Jen finally says, her words soft. “But, you’ve let your fears dictate you before and from what I remember, it resulted in quite a few painful weeks of pretending you didn’t have all these feelings that you did have.” Eyebrows raised in Joey’s direction, Jen smirks before continuing. “The thing is, all that hurt is really valid, but at the end of the day, do you want the hurt and fear to win?” 

“Besides, we all know that Pacey is still completely in love with you, so you have nothing to fear there.” Jack adds, nodding in agreement with Jen. 

Joey nodded, although her heart skipped a beat at Jack’s words. Was Pacey really still in love with her? She knew that there had to still be something there. He wouldn’t have kissed her the way he did if there wasn’t, but was it still love? 

“Look, Joey, what happened last year was awful. Senior prom was probably the worst night of your entire life, but that hurt doesn’t have to define you.” Jen smiled softly. “Senior prom is not you and Pacey’s entire story.” 

Knowing that Jen had a point, Joey gave her friend a small smile. It was true, she didn’t want senior prom to be the defining moment of her and Pacey’s relationship, they were so much more than that. She wanted so desperately for that not to be the end of them. 

But did she have it in her to look past all that hurt and let him in again? 

That was what truly scared her. As hurt as she had been by Dawson in the past, she feared Pacey was the only one who held the ability to truly break her heart. Last spring, she had latched onto Dawson, thrown herself into him and his friendship in order to stop herself from completely crumbling, she had built up walls around herself, and her heart, desperate to not get hurt again. 

She supposed the only question she had left to ask herself was whether or not he was worth the risk.

And she felt like she already knew the answer. 

She doesn’t tell Audrey about the kiss, or about her inner turmoil. Her roommate has seemingly moved on from obsessing over Pacey, barely mentioning him these days. Joey couldn’t help but wonder if it was from her lack of interest or his. 

It’s not like she’s actively avoiding talking to Audrey about it, but talking to Audrey about it would mean talking about the end of senior year with Audrey, and Joey wasn’t sure she was quite ready to journey back down that road. 

Jack and Jen were there, they knew what had happened, hell, Jack was standing 10 feet away from them with Tobey on prom night and shared every little detail with Jen the next morning. Also, they had had the pleasure of getting a front row seat to her and Pacey’s relationship since they were sixteen, so they sometimes seemed to know what was going on just as much as she did. Audrey did not. 

The Sunday before finals week starts, Joey and Audrey are in their room, Audrey’s music is on low for quite possibly the first time ever, as she packs and Joey studies. 

“I can’t believe I leave in five days and then we won’t see each other for a whole month.” Audrey says, pouting in Joey’s direction. “I’ve gotten so used to your neurotic ways it’ll be weird having a room to myself.” 

“Am I really neurotic?” Joey asks, barely looking up from the book she was highlighting. Audrey laughs, throwing a couple of sweaters in her bag. 

“Yes.” Audrey replies, sticking her tongue out when Joey raises her gaze to look at her. “But I love you, you crazy bitch.” 

Joey laughs, but before she can respond there’s a knock at the door. Audrey jumps up from her bed, clearly looking for a distraction from her packing, practically racing to the door to open it. Joey isn’t expecting anyone, so she directs her attention back to her books, it’s probably someone on their floor looking for help packing or something like that. 

The last person whose voice she expects to hear is Pacey. 

“Hey.” 

“Pacey, hi!” Audrey exclaims as she opens the door, Joey freezes at her desk, grateful that her back is to the door so that her roommate and Pacey don’t have to see her face. “Long time no see."

Pacey chuckles uncomfortably, and Joey can practically see him rocking back and forth. “Hey, Audrey. Is Joey around?” 

Face burning, Joey feels Audrey’s eyes on her back as she sits up in her chair, spine straight with tension. “Yeah, she’s practically working herself to death studying, so if you’re here to take her away you might have physically drag her away from her desk.” 

“Nothing I haven’t done before.” Pacey teases. Joey turns around in her chair, looking at the two of them. Pacey is hovering awkwardly in the doorway as Audrey leans against the wall next to him. 

“I’m sitting right here.” She says, glaring playfully at Audrey, who smirks at her. “And Pacey, I really can’t do anything right now, I really have to study.” 

Ok, so that’s not totally true. Truthfully, she’s been studying for hours and would love to take a break from it, fearing that her head might explode from all the reading that’s done. But, she doesn’t know if she’s ready yet to be alone with him, or worse, with him and Audrey. 

“Oh c’mon Joey, you’ve been sitting there with that highlighter in your hand since I woke up this morning, I haven’t even seen you eat anything. I’m afraid you’re gonna pass out or give yourself carpal tunnel syndrome.” 

Pacey laughs, shaking his head slightly, he was nothing if not used to Joey’s study habits. In fact, Joey had many a recollection of him doing anything he could to distract her from her studying in high school, whether it be from incessantly talking to her to get her to put her book down to more… well physical efforts. That particular memory caused a blush to run up her body. 

“Well, then I guess it’s a good thing I came to see if you wanted to grab something to eat.” Pacey says, giving her an easy smile. There’s something else in his expression, though, and Joey can tell that he wants to talk to her about something. 

She doesn’t think she’s ready, but she also knows that she owes him a conversation. Miscommunication and ignoring their problems has never worked out well for the two of them, so as much as Joey wants to run for the hills, she’s learned from experience that would only cause more problems. 

“I suppose I have to eat something.” She finally concedes, watching as Pacey smiles, letting out a small breath of relief. “But, I can’t be gone too long, I have a paper due and two tests to study for.” 

Nodding, Pacey grabs Joey’s coat for her, handing it to her as she pushes her desk chair in and joins him by the door. “I will have you back here at a reasonable hour I promise.” He grins at her and Joey returns the smile, hesitantly, relieved that he doesn’t seem upset with her. 

Audrey snorts, reminding Joey of her presence. She was so caught up in the look on Pacey’s face that she forgot about her roommate standing there. “I should stay here, this stuff isn’t going to pack itself.” 

Joey smiles gratefully, giving Audrey a small nod. “I won’t be gone long.” Quickly saying goodbye, Joey follows Pacey out into the hallway, the door closing quietly behind her. She was grateful that Audrey had been able to understand that this wasn’t going to be an outing that she necessarily wanted to be a part of. 

“Listen, I know that you want to talk and I know why you want to talk, but please tell me you were serious about getting food.” Joey says once they’re outside in the early December evening air. The wind howled as Joey tucked her chin into her jacket. “Because Audrey wasn’t kidding when she said I hadn’t eaten anything today.”

As if to emphasize her point, Joey’s stomach growls and Pacey laughs. “Yeah, I think we can definitely swing that, how’s pizza sound?” 

“Amazing.” Pacey gives her a small smile as they continue walking in the direction of the closest pizza place. Silence settles between them, but Joey can sense that Pacey is anxious to talk, she can see the way his fingers keep running through his hair and his Adam's apple bobs as he gulps. 

He doesn’t say anything though, which somehow makes her more nervous. While she assumed that he wanted to talk about their kiss, she really had no idea what his thoughts were on the whole thing. Was he upset that it had happened? Does he regret it? Does he hate her for running away? 

These questions are swirling through her head as they arrive at the pizza place, Pacey opening the door for her and following her into the warmth of the restaurant. It’s not that crowded for a late Sunday afternoon, and Joey finds them a table near the front window as Pacey goes up to order. Joey doesn’t bother telling him what she wants, she knows he’ll remember. 

He remembers everything, right?

Pacey joins her a few minutes later, giving her a small grin as he slides into the seat across from her, handing her a soda. “They didn’t have a diet, hope that’s alright. I figured that the caffeine might help.” 

Laughing, Joey nods. “Definitely, I can’t believe how much studying I still have to do. I feel like I’m driving myself crazy.” Groaning slightly, Joey rubs her hands over her face, blushing when she notices Pacey smiling at her. “Anyway…” 

“Look, just so you know, I don’t want to talk about our kiss.” Stopping with her straw halfway to her mouth, Joey’s blood ran cold. “Not because I don’t think it was important or anything, but it’s just not what I came to talk to you about.” 

Pacey paused, taking a breath, giving her a tight grin. “We can talk about it if you want, but that’s just not what I wanted to talk about.” 

Nodding, Joey struggled to find words struggling with emotional whiplash. She had been fully expecting that to be the topic of conversation, now there was apparently something else out of left field, something important and serious enough to shelve the kiss conversation. 

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Joey finally said, realizing he was waiting for her verbal response, before continuing on. Under the table, she rubbed her hands nervously against her jeans, nails scratching the fabric. 

Sighing deeply, Pacey’s fingers anxiously tapped the table top and his eyes looked between her and his cup in front of him. “The dean is kicking me off of his boat.” Pausing, he shook his head, teeth biting into his bottom lip. “No, that’s not the right phrase, he’s taking his boat out of the water and therefore I can’t live on it anymore.” 

The nervous air that had been bubbling up inside of her popped like a balloon. This had been what he needed to talk to her about? He didn’t have a place to live anymore? She knew that finding housing, especially if it’s on short notice, could be stressful, but she couldn’t see why this warranted pulling her away from her studying. 

Which must have meant there was something else. 

Oh god, she was gonna be sick. 

“What are you gonna do?” She asked, swallowing nervously. Pacey looked at her, his eyes cloudy and unreadable, which never boded well. “I mean, you’re gonna find somewhere else to live, right?” 

Nodding, Pacey let out a deep breath, looking down at the table. It was a bad sign that he was refusing to look her in the eye. God, the one sip of soda that she had was already threatening to come back up. 

“That’s certainly one of my options.” Hand clenched tightly around her drink, Joey waited for him to continue. “My other option is taking a sailing job the dean offered me.” 

“A sailing job?” Voice small and tight, Joey suddenly had a flashback to the Worthington party last spring after their break up, and the fear and loneliness that had soon followed after his departure from Capeside. She knew that things were tense and weird between them, that they walked on eggshells around each other, careful not to do or say anything to hurt the other one. Joey felt like she barely saw him, but at the same time he was still a fixture in her life. 

Because, despite all of that, he was still her north star. He was still the person she felt like life was always guiding her towards, even when he seemed miles away from her, physically or emotionally, everything still came back to him. 

And she feared that she wouldn’t be able to survive him leaving again. 

“Yeah.” Pacey said, giving her a small, nervous grin. “A year long trip actually.” 

A year?

“It’s a crew boat that sails kind of down to South America and then across the Atlantic to Europe.” Shrugging his shoulders slightly, he took a slow sip of his soda before setting the cup back down. “I haven’t said yes, or no, yet, but I’d leave right after the new year.” 

Right after the new year, that was in three weeks. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing, he was thinking of leaving Boston, leaving her , for an entire year. 

“I don’t know what to say.” She whispered, not trusting her voice to be any louder. Tears burned the back of her throat and her vision blurred. 

“You don’t have to say anything.” Pacey said softly, leaning forward on the table. “I don’t even know if I’m going to go yet or not.” Joey nodded, refusing to look up and meet his gaze. “I just...after everything that happened, I felt like I needed to tell you.” 

Joey couldn’t help the choked scoff that left her lips. “You don’t need to tell me anything, Pacey.” She said, unable to keep the bitterness out of her voice. As grateful as she was that he was being honest with her, she hated to think that he was only doing it because he felt like he was obligated to. 

“That’s not what I meant.” He said quickly, shaking his head. “I just meant that, I don’t want to leave without telling you, I would never be able to live with myself if I hurt you the same way again.” 

Blinking quickly, desperate to clear her eyes, Joey wiped at her cheek. “It would hurt the same whether you said goodbye or not.” She admitted, barely above a whisper. 

Suddenly unable to breathe, she stood up from her seat, nearly running into the waiter, who was in the process of bringing their pizza to the table. Giving the waiter an apologetic look, she barely glanced back at Pacey, swallowing tightly. 

“I should get back to studying, I’ll see you later.” She muttered, turning away from him and practically running out the door of the restaurant. Her stomach was still growling fiercely, but she couldn’t sit there across from him and stomach anything, not when he was going to leave again. 

She knew she could survive without him, she would have to, she could probably even be happy. She had Audrey, Jen and Jack. She had classes she liked, she was in a city that always had things going on. She could probably be perfectly happy without him. 

But as she walked back to Worthington, tears threatening to spill over at any minute and sobs heavy on her chest, she realized something important. Perhaps the most important thing. 

As much as she could be happy without him, she didn’t want to be. 

She had spent so much of the last couple months not being as happy as she could be because Pacey wasn’t in her life, that she didn’t know how much more of it she could take. She had spent so much time since Pacey left being sad and building walls up around her heart, that she feared they might never be able to be broken if he left again. 

But could she really ask him not to go? This wasn’t like junior year, where she could leave with him, as much as she wished it was, and besides did she even have a right to ask him to stay? They were only friends, barely, these days, it felt unfair to tell him not to leave just to keep her own heart from breaking. 

Besides, if she asked him to stay, would he even want to?

“I still can’t believe Pacey’s leaving.” Audrey said as she zipped her bag shut, dropping it to the ground with a thud. 

It had been nearly four days since Joey and Pacey’s conversation, and they had yet to talk again. Joey hadn’t been sure if she should tell Audrey, but eventually her roommate had picked up on Joey’s low spirits and gotten it out of her. Audrey had then hung out with Jen who had not only confirmed Joey’s story, but had implied that Pacey had said yes. 

“And so soon, too.” Jen added from where she sat at Joey’s desk, throwing books into a bag at her feet. Since Jen didn’t have many things to pack from Grams’s house, she had offered her services to Joey and Audrey to help pack. Joey was pretty sure she was just looking for an excuse not to study. 

Eyebrows knitting together, Joey looked over from her bed where she was folding some of her sweaters. “It’s not that soon, he still has like three weeks before he leaves.” Joey said with a small shrug. 

She didn’t miss the way Audrey and Jen looked at each other, though. She knew that they were probably surprised at how calm she was being, and the truth was, she didn’t really know herself. Maybe it was because he had already seemed so sure of his answer the other night, despite telling her that he hadn’t said yes or no yet. She knew Pacey, she knew that he was no good at standing still, that adventure and thrill coursed through his veins. He would have been crazy to say no, so she couldn’t really blame him. 

She just wished he hadn’t. 

“Joey…” Jen started and Joey rolled her eyes, looking at her friend. 

“Jen, it’s fine, really.” 

“No Joey, that’s not what I meant.” Jen shared another look with Audrey and Joey looked between the two girls with confusion. “Pacey’s not leaving in three weeks, he’s leaving in two days.” 

Jen’s words crashed over here like an icy ocean wave, knocking the wind out of her and sweeping her knees out from under her. She nearly fell onto her bed, words mouth opening and closing. She wanted to say something, but she couldn’t find the words. 

Two days . 

Their conversation the other day really gone so badly that Pacey was trying to leave town as quickly as he could to get away from her. In her efforts to let Pacey figure things out on his own and not push herself onto him, she had managed to send him running, again. 

“What?” She finally asked once she managed to get her voice back. Jen had gotten up from her spot at Joey’s desk, plopping down next to her on the bed. Audrey too got up from her own bed to perch on the end of Joey’s. 

Jen’s hand moved to Joey’s shoulder, squeezing, Audrey doing the same to the bottom of her leg. “Apparently he got an offer to either sail down the crew from Boston this week or meet them in Florida a couple weeks from now, so he’s leaving Saturday.” Jen’s voice was soft and comforting, fighting against the cold sadness that was quickly welling up inside of her. 

God , how could they have let things get this broken. Why had she run away from him the other night or that night they kissed. Why had he left her without saying goodbye, how did they manage to keep hurting each other like this. 

“It’s not too late, Joey.” Audrey said, giving Joey an encouraging smile. “Pacey’s not leaving yet, go tell him how you feel, maybe he’ll change his mind.” 

Joey had to give Audrey credit for how quickly she managed to catch up and pick up on anything, and it made Joey feel bad for not being honest with Audrey earlier about her feelings. But, she couldn’t help but think that her roommate was wrong about this one. 

“I don’t think he’s gonna do that.” She said quietly, pulling absentmindedly at a loose thread of her blanket. “I had the opportunity to tell him not to leave and I didn’t take it.” She shrugs, Jen’s hand falling from her shoulder, and she wipes at her cheeks. “If Pacey wants to leave, then there’s nothing I can do.” 

“You could tell him how you feel.” Jen said, Audrey nodding in encouragement. “It worked junior year, didn’t it?” 

Laughing humorlessly, Joey shook her head. “I think leaving with him to go on a pleasure journey to Key West is a little different from him leaving on a sailing job.” 

Jen and Audrey were both silent which told Joey exactly what she needed to know. That telling Pacey how she felt wouldn’t change anything, he had clearly made up his mind and there was nothing to do about it now. 

Pacey was leaving, and once again Joey had no idea the next time she would see him. 

“So, you’re not going to tell him?” Audrey asked, sounding both concerned and slightly frustrated. Unlike Jen, who had years of experience at this point with Joey’s stubbornness, it seemed as though Audrey, bless her heart, wasn’t about to give up that easily. 

Shaking her head, Joey scrunched her face up, pushing her hair back from her face. “It won’t make a difference.” 

Audrey opened her mouth to argue but Joey saw Jen shake her head at her, holding a finger to her lips. On another occasion, Joey would be offended, but she was too sad and tired to be offended. 

“At this point, I just hope he has a nice time.” Joey whispered, leaning her head down to rest on Jen’s shoulder. She watched as Audrey gave her a small pout before she climbed up the bed and placed her chin on Joey’s arm. 

Despite the hole that was threatening to break her heart into a million pieces, Joey couldn’t help but smile. Pacey might be leaving and may not see him again for a long time, but she had her friends, and somehow she knew that meant she would be okay. 

Two days later, Joey is completing packing her stuff in a sad, solemn silence. 

She finished her last final the day before, and is waiting for Bessie to come and pick her up. Audrey left that morning, and Jen and Jack were staying in the city for a few more days before heading back to Capeside. 

As grateful as Joey was to finally be done with her semester, no more poetry class and no more Professor Wilder, the fact that today is the day that Pacey is supposedly leaving does not pass her by. She spent nearly all morning thinking about him and wishing she had the guts to talk to him, but it was probably too late and she didn’t even know what she would say if she did go to find him. 

So, needless to say she’s quite surprised when just about an hour before Bessie is due to come, Pacey knocks on her door. 

“Pacey.” Her voice is breathless to her own ears and she opens the door and sees him on the other side, a nervous smile on his face. “What are you…” 

“I wanted to talk to you.” He says before she can finish her question. “I didn’t really get a chance to finish what I wanted to say last week and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I just really want to talk to you.” 

“Ok.” Joey says, nervous anticipation flooding through her entire body, causing her to shiver. She has so many things she wants to ask him, but words seem to be escaping her and all she can do is stare at him. 

Pacey sighs softly and gives her a grin. “I told the Dean that I wasn’t taking the job.” Joey feels her eyes widen and her mouth falls open in slight surprise. “At first I did, and then I told him I’d leave on the boat today, but last night I nearly got sick at the thought of actually leaving so first thing this morning I called him and quit.

“He was understanding, but I don’t think he was very happy with me.” Pacey gives a small chuckle. “But, honestly, even though I said yes at first, I think I always knew I didn’t really want to go.” 

He pauses and Joey’s hand grips the door handle, palms practically tingling with nerves. “Why?” 

Pacey smiles at her, “Why did I know I didn’t want to go?” His smile shifts into a small smirk and it sends a flutter to Joey’s stomach and she nods. “Well, because I realized that leaving Boston isn’t what I want.” 

Looking into his eyes, Joey was nearly knocked off her feet at the intensity of them, her heart beating erratically in her chest as he continued. “You see, back at the end of last year, I didn’t really feel like anything in my life was going right. After being arrested with Drue, everything that happened with us and barely graduating, I needed an escape, somewhere to go and something to do to make myself feel good about myself. I don’t need that anymore.

“Because honestly, my life is pretty good here in Boston.” He continued, and Joey couldn’t help but smile softly. “I actually really like cooking and my job at the restaurant. It's cool getting to see Jack and Jen all the time, and Boston’s a pretty cool place. I guess leaving just doesn’t really hold the same appeal that it once did.” 

The small swell of hope that had been building in Joey’s heart faded with a pop. She wasn’t one of his reasons for staying . 

“However, as great as all those reasons are, they’re far from the most important one.” Feeling her chest tighten, Joey looked at him, willing herself not to cry. She couldn’t find the words, so she merely raised her eyebrows at him and he smiled. “That reason being, well, you.” 

“Me?” 

“Yes, you.” Pacey says, the small smile on his face now a full blown smile, causing Joey’s heart to flutter and her stomach to flip. “I realized that running away last time did absolutely nothing to solve anything, and thinking about everything that’s happened so far this year, I know that leaving again would just make things worse and that’s not what I want, that’s not at all what I want.” 

Looking down at the floor before looking back up at him, Joey’s lips quirked into a small grin. “So, what do you want?” 

Pacey took a step closer to her, and Joey’s body practically vibrated. “I supposed just saying ‘you’ again wouldn’t really cut it as an answer would it?” The familiar but long since heard low vibrato of his voice sent a pleasured shiver down her spine, it had been too long since he had talked to her with that tone of voice. 

“Depends on what you mean by it?” Joey asked, almost surprised by the ease of her voice. But she supposed it wasn’t that surprising, talking to him like this was basically second nature. 

Pacey smiled. “Well, I guess it means that I hate how things ended between us last time and I want to fix them so badly, and it would be kinda hard to fix them if I was in the middle of the ocean.” Joey grinned, and Pacey gave her a soft laugh. “Because the truth is Joey, that despite everything that’s happened the last couple months, I am still very, very much in love with you and I’m not ready to give up on us.” 

“I’m not either.” Joey whispered, taking a step forward so her and Pacey were only inches away from each other. “And as hurt as I was by everything, I honestly just…” She paused, looking up at Pacey, giving him a smile. “Really miss you and love you and I never wanted you to leave.” 

“Good, because I don’t plan on going anywhere.” Pacey then closed the gap between them, lips coming to press against hers and with a sigh, Joey melted. 

Wrapping her arms around his neck she pulled him ever closer to her, and his hands went to her waist, sending a trill of excitement across her skin. Their kiss a couple weeks ago was nothing compared to this, Joey felt like she was flying, running a marathon and being set on fire. 

But most importantly, she felt like she was coming home.