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It was late at night, far past 0100 hours, but time was a concept completely broken and disregarded by now. In fact, he couldn’t quite remember when he had slept the last time – thinking about it some more it must have been over thirty hours. He pushed the thought aside as he strode along the corridors, dimmed for night shift, yet life did not stand still. He could hear voices overlapping from every corner, crewmen gathering around panels scattered along the corridors, noise filling his tired mind with blank space, his thoughts wandering off as he reached the door. Just before entering he took another deep breath as if to steady himself, prepare himself – it did not help at all, but he should have expected no different. With a pacing heartbeat and a lump in his throat he collected himself once more and stepped inside.
Haven, he thought, closing his eyes in an attempt to feel the same sensations he felt when he first entered the bar several years ago. He would give everything to just smell the same exotic smells as he once did, feel the prickling sensation on his tongue when tasting cocktails he hadn’t known existed. Well, probably not everything…
He opened his eyes again, a wry smile nearly hidden in the darkness the room was filled with. It took him another few seconds before he could actually make out silhouettes in the dark, the rounded tables neatly placed around the hall, the long-chaises he had ordered specifically for their journey on the Titan close to the windows. Distant memories reached the tip of his mind, barely touching it, coming in a rush and as soon as he tried to grasp them, they were gone again. And all that was left was darkness. Emptiness. Or, was it…?
Standing in front of the window, he could make out a scheme, a silhouette, well-shaped, nearly blending in with the blackness of space engulfing the Titan. Despite not being able to see much more than just a shape, he immediately tried to open his mind, tried to reach her, hear her – just to be rejected with a cold wall pushing his mind away from her. His heart dropped as he felt emptiness crawling up his body and numbing his limbs.
“Will…”
“Imzadi…” His voice was just a hoarse whisper, he wished to scream from the top of his lungs, but the crippling sensation still pressed the air out of his lungs and he could hardly breathe steadily. It hurt him deeply, yet Will did not want to blame her as he knew she was suffering just as much, if not more than anyone – it had to be suffocating, terrifying.
“What did you want, Will…?” Deanna turned around, her face barely visual in the darkness, yet he could see the pain, the fear, her face was holding back so much and yet he saw it all, everything – or did he feel it? A spark of hope made his heart skip a beat but he tried to hold it back, push it away. She needed him, it was not the time nor the place to put his own needs first, he did that way too often already.
“Christine told me you’d be here. It’s late Deanna…I miss you. I’m worried.”
“Who isn’t? Worried. Terrified. Petrified, even!” A soft hysteric chuckle escaped her chest before she took a deep breath, cautiously walking towards him but still keeping a certain distance between them. “I’m sorry…I didn’t want to worry you, I wanted to avoid y-”
“Avoid me in order to protect me from worry. I know. I know you, Deanna, I know what you’re up to and frankly, I don’t like to see it.” Will tried to take yet another few steps towards her, careful to keep the distance she’d require before she could open up to him. At times like those, it was like playing with fire, he could easily cause a cascade of flames if he said one wrong word, leaving him with a totally untouchable and defensive Deanna, broken in pieces and closing up on everything and everyone. It happened only very few times but each time had been a hell of a ride and he did not want to push it any further than required.
“Deanna, I know you’re suffering…Why won’t you admit it, not even to me…?”
“Because everyone is. About 350 souls suffering at once, their hearts screaming in agony, terrified for their lives – Will, we’re close to a war EVERYONE is in terrible, terrible fear!” Deanna shot, before folding her arms in front of her chest again and sinking more into her soft woolen jacket. A habit she had been picking up ever since their trip to the cave system on Talos IV; whenever she felt her emotions were overwhelming her, it’d leave her with a sensation of freezing coldness all over her body. Will took another step towards her, his eyes fixed on hers as he offered her his hand, cautiously, yet with light pressure hiding in his look. She shifted from one leg to the other, uncomfortably facing the ground beneath her. Deanna knew exactly what she wanted, she wanted him to hold her, to hold on to her, make her feel safe – but she knew he couldn’t provide what she needed and knowing that, it’d break him.
“I realize I should not have avoided you, Will, but I can barely look at you without wondering…What could happen any minute, if war breaks out, if everything falls apart…I am terrified, I really am, but they all wonder just the same, I can’t-”
“Deanna, stop! Of course everyone is scared, but none of them can feel it as much as you do, they don’t have 350 people poisoning their minds with fear and misery!” Enraged he had grasped her hand, holding on to her if only the slightest bit, but he could see how he must have startled her by shouting out of a sudden. Will straightened his back and collected himself again before he tried to speak another word, this time much softer. “Deanna, darling, would you now please come to me and let me help you…?”
Deanna hesitated for another moment, still unsure as she did not like to seek for comfort this directly, especially when she knew that Will was occupied with so many other things. But he wouldn’t let go, and a small part of her was so very grateful that he came by to check on her. With a relieved sigh she fell into his arms, whimpering a little as she felt the warmth of his body radiate towards her, touching her heart. Will wrapped his arms around her, gently pressing a kiss on her forehead.
“See, it’s not that bad, now, is it?” His voice was barely a whisper again, this time because of surprise as he felt her open up her mind to him, drawing him in softly, seeking for comfort in his thoughts. He responded immediately in an attempt to offer her the much needed warmth, but he could feel her fading relief as her emotion slipped out of her control, if just for the glimpse of a second.
“Imzadi, how can I help you…?”
“You can’t, Will…Nobody can…”
“But I can’t let you suffer like that all by yourself, I know it’s destroying you, I need to help you…!” There was a certain fear along those lines, deep within his heart he was scared to see her fall apart like she did only twice before – and he had not been with her once, he couldn’t allow it to ever happen again.
“I know what you’re thinking – don’t worry. But…You see, there is no quiet moment, no feeling of joy or-or relief or literally any positive emotion whatsoever on this ship. It is all darkness, terror, agony…”
“Then rest in my feelings, you’re safe with me, Deanna…” Sadness and Excitement were battling as Will raised his voice. He wished so deeply that he could actually protect her from further harm but her reaction was anything other than devoted. Sad eyes staring into his soul, analyzing every piece of him – but he didn’t mind, should she read him like a book, gladly. He’d take it if it meant that she understood what he was willing to do for her.
“You’re no exception, Will, you’re just as worried. If not worse. I know you keep your shields up, covering it from everyone else but don’t forget who you are talking to…”
“Is there anything I can do for you…?”
“Your thoughts are already comforting, Imzadi…But feelings go far beyond that what we can understand about them, there is only so much you can attempt to restrict, the rest of your emotions will exist further whatever you do.” Deanna pointed towards the long-chaises near the windows, subtly telling him to sit down and he followed without a hesitation, taking a seat and holding her close to his chest as she dropped down on his lap. She felt his fingertips brushing over the back of her hand as they watched the stars in silence. Another few seconds passed before Deanna raised her voice again.
“You’ve always been my safe harbor, Will. Always. No matter what, I knew I could always count on you, you’d make time even if you had none, if only just to hold me for a minute. Not once have you left me alone with myself ever since…”
“Ever since we parted. Back then, it teared you apart, I left you alone with an unspeakable amount of feelings, all crashing down on you. I know…I have tried to be a better person since, to not make that mistake ever again…To not hurt you again…” Will’s fingers trailed off, drawing circles as his hand traveled up her belly and to her chest. His thoughts were driving him away from her and she noticed immediately as he lost himself in a surge of guilt and remorse.
“But you suffered, too…When you left, I thought our bond had broken, I thought I would simply die from the pain and hollowness your departure had left in me. It hurt, it really did, but when we met again I soon realized…Our bond was still intact – there was a part of your soul that could still reach me, comfort me at any given moment. Knowing that, it made me leave every negative feeling I had towards you behind because I felt safe again. For the first time in years…” A silence followed her words, Will tried to process what she had just told him. Certainly he was glad she hadn’t felt any further disappointment or rage towards him, or whatever it had been. Yet he did not dare to forgive himself yet, he couldn’t. Despite knowing she was right, he had been heartbroken too, he had in fact been saddened by her turning down his offer to accompany her, but he couldn’t accept it. Not yet.
“Please don’t try to make me feel better about it, Deanna. Your mother told me years later what you had gone through and I believe she spared me the painful details after all. But I’d much prefer helping you remember the good moments we had on Betazed…The beautiful memories, make you feel something far more positive.” Will’s voice had softened once more while grasping her hand and gently brushing over the back of her hand with his thumb, cautiously eyeing the fading bruises she had gotten a week ago from the attacks, trying to protect their son Thaddeus. He remembered how bravely she had fought them off, despite being so frightened by their presence. She would’ve done anything for that little boy, and if it meant losing her life to protect him from any harm.
“You’d do the same, Imzadi…You’d have protected him with your life as well if necessary…Now, so much for the positive emotions, huh?”
“Janaran Falls. Do you still remember? The many nights we had spent there…Stargazing, swimming…Love-making…” He couldn’t help himself but chuckle softly at the memory of their heated nights devouring each other physically and mentally. Even more, when he noticed the light blush her in her cheeks, slightly embarrassed by how suddenly he came to mention it. “Just until seven years ago I hadn’t had any happier and more pleasurable memories. No moment in my life had been in any way comparable to the time I spent with you at the Janaran Falls, Imzadi…When this is all over, I want to go there with you, take a week or two off, take Thad with us…I bet your mother would be delighted to see him again! She could watch him while we wander off, spend another night at the Falls, for old times’ sake.”
“Mother would certainly agree with you. Deep love never dies off, but every once in a while you will have to re-enact it, little one!” They shared a moment of delightful laughter at her imitation of Lwaxana Troi, then Deanna sat up a little and turned to face Will, examining him carefully while contemplating. He could see her mind was occupied, he could feel how she was dwelling in curious emotions, gently squeezing her hand.
“What is it…?”
“Let us go now. I want to go see the Janaran Falls with you.” She answered, determined, her eyes filled with a spark of hope he had missed in the past few days. Something within her had awakened and he did not want to take it away from her again, yet he was wondering what in the world she was thinking. Deanna must have sensed his confusion since she smiled apologetically and added: “The holodeck, Will. We have plenty programs for Betazed, I also have one with the Janaran Falls…I want to go with you tonight.”
“How come you feel the sudden urge to dwell in our past…?”
“We don’t know what tomorrow will look like. In fact, we can’t even know about the next few hours, anything could happen. And as much as I do not want to think of it, we could as well be dead by this time tomorrow…” Another surge of sadness darkened her eyes and dampened the joy in her face. When he studied her more closely he noticed similar to himself she hadn’t slept for several hours, she was pale, weakened by the darkness of their condition. And within the blink of an eye realization struck him.
“This could be the end of everything…”
“So why don’t we go somewhere only we know…?” Deanna hummed, a faint whisper in the night. It was one of those rare occasions where she did not need to read his thoughts to know what he was thinking, to understand what he was feeling. For Thad’s first birthday they had been to Betazed, if only for two days. They had visited Deanna’s old school in Rixx, a lot of things had changed but she met a few familiar souls. That day Will had accompanied her but he left her a lot of space, simply being with her but not daring to interrupt. Eventually, they were asked to tell the children about Starfleet, the Federation, anything, and after a while one of the children had started asking questions about their relationship. One of the youngest girls stood and told the computer to show them a song she had once heard from her mother, that girl said it’d remind her of them. Now, years later, they remembered, and they realized what she had meant exactly.
“You’re right. Let’s go…Janaran Falls here we come!” He helped her up and they made their way to the holodeck. However, their destination did not go unnoticed, they heard a few crewmen whisper behind their backs, but this time it would not matter. This was more important for now. Before entering the holodeck, Will came to a halt and gesturing Deanna to wait for another moment.
“Riker to Bridge.”
“Vale here, sir, what is it?”
“Christine, if you need me, I’m on the holodeck. If there is anything out of the ordinary I would like to be informed immediately. Please make sure we won’t be interrupted otherwise…”
“Aye sir.” With another nod, the couple entered the holodeck. When they were greeted by a soft breeze and an astounding sunset, they glanced at each other at the sensations filling their hearts with a burst of joy, peace, and oh such deep love. The Janaran Falls. A place they had yearned without knowing it; the origin. This is where it all began. Will this also be where it ends? Could this be the last time they’d see the astonishing masses of water pouring down into the river, the rocks humming from the winds rushing through them. Seas of flowers stretching far beyond the horizon, engulfed by large trees. Betazed despite being well-inhabited and having it’s modern cities as well definitely featured some of the most fascinating and touching flora.
“It felt like it was just yesterday that we last stood here…”
“Incredible how time passes…Come on, let’s go to the bridge, I want to…”
“Re-enact how I made you feel when paced off a good 22 years ago?” Will joked, following her towards the long wooden bridge, holding on to her hand as she shook his head dismissively. Throwing a joke in those dark times surely felt wrong in a way, yet, if only for a brief moment, the world felt okay again. And he didn’t want to leave this feeling behind yet, it felt too good to have some hope, some distraction.
“I meant to say I want to see if we can feel what we felt when we first stood here…”
“So, let’s go back to the beginning…?”
“If this is the end…I’d like to feel it once again, I feel like this is the right time and right place to be right now. We need to do this.” Will examined his wife once more, a little puzzled as he knew she didn’t exactly believe in fate or pre-determined moments in life. However, this time she seemed to be so sure of herself, that this moment was in a way meant to be. And he’d be damned to stop her now, now that he had managed to see her full of joy once more before the world would break down around them. If this was the end, he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, just be with her at this place that had been so abandoned by most that it actually felt as if only they knew of it.
Imzadi…
Feeling her inside his mind, the joy pumping through his own mind, he headed off to follow her instructions on what to do, where to be, what to say – a little light-hearted, yet so awfully meaningful…