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The sun was peaking through the curtains as Eiji woke up.
Japan.
It was his first thought every morning.
He could tell because the streets outside didn’t carry the usual business that came with waking up in New York.
He wasn’t waking up to cars honking and taxi drivers yelling from their windows, the distinct sound of voices in the street and feet on the sidewalk that came with living in the middle of a large city.
Ash.
His second thought.
Eiji turned his head to see his boyfriend still sleeping, peace written across his soft features, and all Eiji can think is “Ash deserves it.”
Ash deserved to sleep peacefully, to not have to worry about being killed or protecting Eiji, or anyone else, as he rested.
Eiji was careful as he slipped out from underneath the blankets, making sure he didn’t disturb the other.
He would probably wake up soon without Eiji there next to him anyway.
The brunette entered the tiny bathroom connected to their room and turned the faucet on.
This was routine. Every morning he would wake up, brush his teeth, make breakfast, then wake Ash up.
Just like he’d always done.
Eiji hadn’t been able to start back at university yet. He’d only been back in Japan for two months. Both him and Ash had been recuperating from injuries sustained before Eiji finally convinced Ash to come with him.
The semester had already started when he was well enough to go back.
They stayed with his parents for a few weeks. Long enough for Eiji to get a job and help Ash find one too. With both of them working it didn’t take long for them to find an apartment.
There were still a few boxes they hadn’t unpacked yet and a few more appliances they had to buy, but things were good.
It was all over. Neither one of them had to worry anymore.
Ash, as expected, was taking a bit longer to adjust to this new lifestyle than Eiji, but the other didn’t mind.
He’d help Ash anytime he needed it.
Just like he’d always done.
Ash.
The blonde woke up to the sound of running water. He sighed, turning his head towards the bathroom.
The apartment the two boys shared was small, Ash could see Eiji standing at the sink brushing his teeth.
The hallways were narrow, the counter space in the kitchen limited, and it only had one bedroom, not that they needed another, but Ash liked it. It was good for just the two of them.
The younger let his eyes travel down Eiji’s body, finally landing on the deep scar on his lower stomach. He almost couldn’t see it with the way Eiji was leaning against the counter.
Ever since it happened Ash hadn’t been able to stop looking at it.
He’d changed his bandages in the beginning, barely ever allowing Eiji to do it by himself, and after it had closed up completely Ash still looked at it a lot unless Eiji put a stop to it, insisting that he was fine now and Ash didn’t have to keep checking on him.
He couldn’t help it. Ash blamed himself for all of Eiji’s injuries but he very specifically blamed himself for this one.
He was right there.
He was right there and he hadn’t been able to do anything. He wasn’t quick enough, didn’t calculate enough.
The water shut off and Ash looked back up, meeting the brunette’s eyes as the older made his way back over to the bed and slipped in.
“Good morning.” Eiji whispered, pressing a kiss to Ash’s forehead as the younger turned to wrap his arms around Eiji’s middle and cuddle into him.
“Morning,” The blonde hummed, letting his fingers lightly trace over the scar on his stomach as he rested his head on Eiji’s shoulder.
Ash trailed kisses across the boy’s skin, up his neck and down his jawline before relaxing.
Eiji smiled a little, already aware of where the blonde’s mind was heading. “Hey,” He mumbled, kissing his forehead again as he placed his own hand over Ash’s.
There weren’t many mornings where Ash woke up and his mind was already making him think horrible things, but they still happened.
Eiji knew the quicker he got his mind off it, the more likely Ash would still be able to have a good day.
Eiji liked when Ash had good days.
And if Ash still had a bad day then that was fine, Eiji wouldn’t complain.
He would stay with him and make sure Ash knew everything was okay, but Eiji still would rather see his boyfriend happy.
They didn’t have to have bad days anymore.
That in itself was triggering to Ash though. For so long bad days had been very regular for the younger.
Again though, that was over.
They didn’t have to have bad days anymore.
Ash hummed to let the older know he was listening. He buried his head in Eiji’s shoulder, allowing him to take his hand even though he knew Eiji was trying to get him to stop listening to the thoughts that kept telling him he could have done better. Could have done more to keep Eiji safe.
He tried to keep his mind off of it. To remind himself that Eiji didn’t want him to put himself in that headspace. To convince himself that no good would come from thoughts like that.
Eiji squeezed his hand gently. “I love you.” He said sweetly, entirely too sweet to be talking to Ash. But he was, and he was squeezing his hand and leaning back into his arms and letting him kiss his skin.
And Ash still had to push the thoughts away.
Ash lifted his head to lock eyes with his boyfriend. “I love you.” He answered and kissed the older’s cheek.
Eiji gave him another smile, soft and still entirely too sweet.
The older hummed, squeezing his hand again before letting go.
Ash eyes flicked down and, he couldn’t help it, his fingers went right back to tracing the scar before Eiji shook his head and turned in his arms so he couldn’t torture himself any longer.
Eiji hummed again as he wrapped his arms around the other. “Aaasshh.” He mumbled, leaning up to kiss him.
Ash kissed back, letting his hands rest on Eiji’s lower back now that he couldn’t exactly keep them where he wanted.
“Eiijjii.” Ash copied him when the older pulled away, finally smiling just a bit.
Kisses worked. They always worked.
Eiji chuckled and kissed him again, quick and fleeting before he spoke. “Love you,” He said again, still quiet, not wanting to break the fragile atmosphere around them.
It was always like that in the mornings.
Eiji didn’t want Ash to have to wake up and immediately start his day. He didn’t want him to immediately go out or attend some kind of weird meeting in their living room.
There was always something Ash had to do when they were in new york.
Whether it be early in the morning or in the middle of the night. Eiji never wanted him to have to deal with stuff like that again.
Ash couldn’t help it, his smile grew as he looked at the boy in front of him. Whatever he did to deserve ending up here was beyond him, but he was glad he made it.
He moved in closer to the older, brushing their noses together as he let Eiji push the bad thoughts away one by one. “I love you too, darling.”
And Eiji chuckled again, kissing him one more time before pulling all the way back. “How are you feeling?”
He asked Ash this every morning. Usually over breakfast, but today was different. He knew today was already starting out to be a bad day.
Ash sighed, feeling his smile waver. “Like shit.” He said honestly.
That was another thing Eiji had been encouraging him to do. To be honest and open with him so he could help. And as much as Ash didn’t want to burden Eiji with it all, he knew Eiji liked to help. He wanted to help.
And who was Ash to refuse him of what he wanted?
Eiji began tracing little patterns into Ash’s arm, biting his lip as he nodded. “That’s okay.”
He always said that.
Always made sure that Ash knew what he was feeling was okay. It was okay to have these emotions and it was okay to talk about them.
He didn’t have to play leader anymore. He could step down and let someone else carry the weight for once.
Ash didn’t like the thought of making Eiji deal with all his problems, but the other had reassured him that it was nothing like that.
Eiji liked to help.
He always had.
He liked to make Ash feel better.
And if Ash was telling the truth he liked to let Eiji help him. He liked to know that someone cared about him and didn’t want him to hurt.
Even if the thoughts tried to convince him he didn’t deserve it. Eiji had been teaching him to be more selfish.
“Do you know what would make you feel better or did you want me to think of something?” Eiji asked, pulling him from his thoughts.
Ash sighed again, thinking about it for a moment. Eiji had told him it was important for him to give his input when he felt like this. That by Ash figuring out what made him feel better would help them both.
But Ash couldn’t right now. Every time he let his mind wander the thoughts would come creeping back and sooner or later he wouldn’t be able to think anyway.
“Can’t.” He whispered, shaking his head as he closed his eyes for a moment.
Eiji tapped his shoulder. “Hey, that’s okay. Ash, look at me.” Eiji said and Ash opened his eyes, focusing in on his boyfriend’s face.
Eiji went back to tracing patterns along the younger’s arm, across shoulder and down the side of his chest.
Ash allowed himself to focus on the touch, not wanting to give way to what was going on in his head.
“There you are.” Eiji said softly, looking into Ash’s eyes as he thought of what he could do to make him feel better.
The thoughts surrounding the pain Ash believed he caused Eiji were always hard to deal with, but they got through it.
“You wanna talk about it?” Eiji asked him. It wasn’t fair, he thought. How Ash had to wrestle with his mind everyday. But he was getting better at it, and soon he wouldn’t have to.
Ash shook his head almost immediately. Talking through his feelings was getting easier, especially with Eiji around to help him, but he didn’t feel like it today. “I’d rather not.”
Eiji nodded again, trailing his fingers up the younger’s neck to slip them into his hair. “Alright.” He said.
And Ash loved that Eiji never tried to force the words out of him.
They were too much when he said them out loud. Always were when he felt like this.
Talking about them almost always resulted in him having a breakdown and having one of those when Ash first woke up almost cemented the fact that he was going to have a bad day.
Eiji knew this, but he still liked to ask. Sometimes they were able to talk about them without Ash ending up a shaking, sobbing mess as the older held him. But not most of the time.
“You want me to distract you then?” He asked the blonde, still running his fingers through his hair. “You can help me cook breakfast, if you’d like.”
Another thing Eiji always tried to do was make sure Ash was eating correctly.
Too many times while they were in New York where he’d come home and had forgotten to eat because he was so focused on the gang and what direction to go next.
But again, Ash wasn’t feeling like it today. “Not hungry.” His voice shook when he spoke this time and he cringed as a few thoughts came rushing back.
The older wanted to tell him he had to eat, but he knew better. The last time he’d forced Ash to try and eat breakfast when he felt like this they ended up in the bathroom not even thirty minutes later.
Eiji watched as Ash’s eyes slipped closed again as he tried to block the thoughts out.
Eiji gently tugged on the hair he had wrapped around his fingers. “Stay with me, love.”
And Ash opened his eyes again to try. “Can you kiss me?” The blonde asked, trying to will the thoughts away on his own, trying to use the techniques Eiji had already taught him, but he couldn’t.
He felt stupid for not being able to deal with something as silly as his thoughts by himself. But Eiji was always wiling to help him and he liked when Ash relied on him.
“Of course.” Eiji mumbled, leaning up to connect their lips.
Ash tried to let himself relax into it, to let thoughts of Eiji and how much he loved him take over.
Ash held the younger closer, pushing his tongue against his lips to get him to open his mouth.
They laid there for a while, lazily making out and if it weren’t for the need to breathe oxygen back into his lungs Ash would have never pulled away.
But he did and he rested his forehead against the older’s as they both caught their breath.
It had worked a little. He felt loved, and wanted, but he still felt guilty.
Guilt.
To Ash, it was the worst feeling in the world. He’d never felt it before, well, maybe he had, but never like this. Never to this degree.
He never felt like his world was going to collapse because of something he did.
Then he’d been selfish. He’d been selfish and kept Eiji close to him, knowing he would have eventually gotten hurt.
It made him feel disgusting. He’d forced Eiji to do something. He’d forced him to stay with him and endure all that pain and it made Ash want to scream.
The taller groaned and moved to hide his face in Eiji’s shoulder again. Earning another sigh from the shorter man as he kissed Ash’s head.
Ash knew this was exhausting. He knew it happened far more often than not, and Eiji was probably tired with all his moping, but he couldn’t get the thoughts to stop.
They were easier to manage some days and Ash could relatively go about his day ignoring them all like a normal person.
But they got to be too much sometimes. And it especially got to him when they showed up this early in the day.
“You want me to read to you?” The brunette suggested, starting to move away from the other to get out of bed.
Eiji knew Ash liked it when he read to him. He would listen attentively and sometimes even follow along on the page. But, He wouldn’t be able to do either of those right now.
Ash swiftly grabbed Eiji’s hand before he could cross the room to grab a book from the bookshelf they’d very recently put together.
Ash looked up at him. “Wouldn’t be able to follow along. Just-“ He paused sucking in a breath. “Lay with me? Please?” He asked.
“Yeah, course, Ash.” He mumbled again and slipped back in next to him.
Ash made sure to pull the older close, tucking his head under Eiji’s chin.
Eiji wrapped his arms back around him, kissing his head again. “I love you so much, Aslan.” he whispered into his hair. “Stop thinking about it, just focus on me. Let me help you forget, love.”
Love.
Ash felt his heart clench. Eiji was always so soft with him. So caring and gentle. He loved hearing Eiji call him that. It was so reassuring.
It still surprised him sometimes, that there was someone out there that didn’t want to hurt him.
That didn’t want anything from Ash, but just wanted to bring him happiness.
Ash breathed in deep, allowing the other to flood his senses. The smell of Eiji’s shampoo, the softness of his skin on his, the endearing tone in his voice.
He vaguely remembered it was all for him. All of Eiji was for him. His.
“Forever, right?” Ash whispered, kissing the spot where the older’s jaw connected with his neck.
And Eiji smiled softly. “Yes. Forever. I promised, didn’t I?”
Ash closed his eyes, nodding his head. “You did.”
Eiji felt the younger’s fingers start moving up and down his side, aware of what he was doing. The older hummed feeling Ash’s thumb trace lightly over the gunshot scar.
Eiji slid his hand down his boyfriend’s arm, curling his fingers around his wrist. Ash paused, just resting his fingers over it now.
If he had just been paying more attention. Had just been more alert.
“It’s not your fault, Aslan.” Eiji said gently, like he could read his mind, he probably could, and Ash felt his throat burn.
Of course it was.
Ash swallowed the lump in his throat and shook his head. “I was right there, Eiji.”
The blonde’s fingers resumed their transaction, Eiji began to mimic him, gently brushing his fingers along Ash’s wrist.
He stayed quiet, giving the younger time to figure out what he was comfortable with saying out loud.
Ash sighed out, shaking his head. “Right there and I couldn’t do anything. Couldn’t protect you. Now you’ve got this stupid scar.” His voice had turned cold.
His thoughts were spiraling again and he hated talking about this but he couldn’t get it out of his head.
The way Eiji had just carelessly thrown Ash out of the line of fire. The way he’d just carelessly taken a bullet for him.
It scared him to death. He’d never wanted anything to happen to Eiji.
Eiji.
The older had somehow laced their fingers while Ash had been distracted with his thoughts and was now softly pressing his lips to his knuckles.
Ash’s eyes flicked open and he saw the sweet look on his boyfriend’s face. Still entirely too sweet to be directed towards Ash.
“That’s the point, love. You couldn’t do anything. You never could have seen that coming. Therefore, It’s not your fault.” The brunette kept his voice light, gentle. Ash deserved gentle.
Love.
There it was again.
Ash felt the lump reform in his throat.
No.
He didn’t want to cry. Not right now. Not this early.
His eyes watered still as he watched Eiji press his lips to each one of his fingers, ghosting his thumb along his knuckles afterwards.
“How do you not hate me?” Ash breathed out, not being able to stop the first few tears from falling but successfully being able to hold off the others.
Eiji frowned, letting go of his hand to reach over and wipe his cheeks. “Ash, I could never hate you.” He whispered, pulling the younger closer in his arms. “Nothing was your fault. I could never hate you for something like that, love.”
Love.
Again.
Ash breathed in as he returned his face to Eiji’s shoulder, not being able to stop himself from crying any longer.
Eiji hummed and brushed his fingers through Ash’s hair. “Ashu, my love.” Eiji said as he pressed a kiss to his boyfriends forehead. “Please don’t blame yourself for the things that happened back then.”
My love.
It made Ash’s head spin. Eiji always said things that contradicted his thoughts.
They would tell him he didn’t deserve Eiji, that the older just felt bad for him, that he’d trapped him here and scared him from leaving.
But Eiji would tell him he loved him and call him sweet names and hold him at night and Ash was confused at first but he knew now that Eiji loved him.
He knew the thoughts weren’t true.
That fact wasn’t helping him right now though.
“I’m so sorry, Eiji.” He sobbed, voice shaking as he tried to calm himself down enough to breathe.
Eiji gently tilted the boy’s head up, brushing their noses together, trying to pull his boyfriend’s mind back to the forefront and out of the thoughts he was currently allowing to consume himself.
Eiji moved his hand to tuck a strand of hair behind his ear. “You have nothing to apologize for Aslan.” He said, letting his thumb brush across the younger’s cheek. “Can you open your eyes for me?”
Ash did, blinking a few times to chase the blurriness away so he could see his boyfriend’s face.
He watched as Eiji smiled a small, soft, smile that made Ash’s heart beat a little faster.
Eiji moved his thumb along Ash’s cheekbone, watching as the younger tried to relax into his touch. “I love you, Ash. Nothing was your fault.” He said again.
The blonde did his best to nod his head. Letting those words repeat over and over in his mind. If he just focused on those he didn’t have to think about the others.
“I love you too,” Ash managed to get out, raspy and strangled as he held back his tears again.
God. When did he get so sensitive?
“Can you-“ Ash started, trying to keep his composure as Eiji listened to him intently. “Can you kiss me again? Please?”
And Eiji smiled once more, always too sweet, as he moved his face closer to to Ash’s. “Anything you want.” he mumbled against his lips before pressing them together.
His brain glitched, he kissed back and the thoughts are still lingering but they’re pushed farther back now.
Eiji.
All because of Eiji.
As long as he had Eiji the bad days could keep coming. Because his lover would be right there to keep the thoughts at bay and help him through it.
The brunette pulled back a little. “Is there anything else I can do, love?”
Ash’s heart sped up as he sniffed and chuckled a little while shaking his head. “Just stay with me.”
Eiji hummed, leaning in to kiss the other again. “Of course. I promised you forever after all.”