Work Text:
Got a hotel room, sending you the details.
Bucky sent the message, along with the promised details, to Sam, who was still out saving people, being Captain America, which was his thing now, Bucky supposed. Unlike Sam, Bucky’s work was done now that Sharon was on her way back to Madripoor, and there was no way he was heading all the way back to his apartment, or making Sam go all the way there after fighting all night.
So, he swiped the card to let himself into the room, shutting it behind him and wandering over to sit on the end of one of the queen beds in the room. Usually, he’d book a room with one bed and set himself up on the floor, but lately he’d been having better luck sleeping in an actual bed. Having his own bed in a hotel room wasn’t a big deal to someone on the outside looking in, but to Bucky it was a pretty significant step.
And maybe he didn’t book separate rooms because he still craved closeness with Sam, but again, most people looking at their situation wouldn’t think twice.
He let out a long breath, shutting his eyes for a moment.
He was interrupted by his phone buzzing.
On my way.
~~~
“Hey, man,” Sam greeted him with a tired smile when Bucky opened the door. He stepped aside to let Sam in, trying not to linger on how damn good that suit looked on him.
“Didn’t know what bed you wanted,” Bucky mumbled, gesturing to the beds. Sam wandered over to the one furthest from the door, putting down a duffel bag that Bucky hadn’t noticed when Sam walked in. “What’s the bag for?”
“Overnight bag. I had Torres sort it out.” Sam unzipped the bag, tossing a shirt and pair of sweatpants onto the other bed. “They’re yours. Go shower, you fucking stink, man.”
“Fuck you, too,” Bucky quipped, taking the offered clothes and heading to the bathroom.
He showered and changed quickly, eager to crawl into bed and forget the world exists. He saw Sam standing by the glass doors leading out into the balcony, arms crossed.
“Sam?” Sam flinched at Bucky’s voice, snapping his head around to look at Bucky.
“Yeah? You good, Buck?”
Bucky blinked, confused. “Yeah, I’m fine. Sam, you… are you okay?”
“‘m good,” Sam mumbled, walking over to take his own change of clothes from the bag. Bucky didn’t move from where he was standing, watching as Sam passed him to get into the bathroom. After a moment, he heard the shower running.
Bucky had planned on heading straight to bed after his shower, but now he evidently couldn’t. Not when Sam has that empty, unseeing look in his eye that Bucky recognises from staring at his own reflection in the morning after a long night battling nightmares. He sat on the edge of his bed and took out his phone, waiting.
~~~
Bucky heard the shower shut off and put his phone down, staring at the bathroom door. When it opened and revealed Sam in his fresh clothes, he fought to suppress the affection that swelled in his chest at how soft and huggable he looked.
Not the fucking time, James.
“Thought you’d be in bed,” Sam said, barely even glancing at Bucky as he walked over to his own bed. When he didn’t reply, Sam actually looked at him. “What? You’ve got that ‘I-need-to-talk-to-you’ look happening.” Sam let out a chuckle, but Bucky knew it was forced.
“‘Cause something’s wrong and you’re not telling me what it is,” Bucky replied, not looking away from Sam’s eyes. “And I’m not gonna force you to tell me. But I am gonna remind you that you’re not alone in whatever it is.”
They’ve been here before, after they fixed the boat together, but not like this. Not after a long battle that could have meant anything for Sam emotionally; a battle that could have ruined him or made him anew.
Sam took a long breath in and released it, staring at his hands. He seemed to consider something before coming to sit across from Bucky, sitting on the opposite bed.
“It’s about Karli,” Sam began quietly. Bucky didn’t say anything, he simply waited. He would wait forever, if Sam asked. “I found her, and she shot Sharon, but then...she attacked me. She wanted me to fight, was screaming at me to fight back, but I- Bucky, I couldn’t.” Sam shook his head. “I couldn’t fight back because I couldn’t fight a kid who only wanted to be free.”
Sam was silent.
“Sharon shot her. I was almost there, I almost got through to her. I would have been able to convince her, I just- I know I could have done it, but now…I can’t do that now, can I?” Sam threw his hands up. “Karli is dead. Gone. She died in my arms , Bucky. Because she wanted change. Sure, she didn’t do it right, but she still-”
Sam cut himself off, shaking his head again. He ran a hand down his face and suddenly he looked older. The weight of the world had been dropped on those shoulders of his, and it seemed like he was already feeling it. Bucky decided that he needed to ease some of that load.
“Sam-” Bucky looked at him until he finally met his eyes- “are you upset that she's gone, or that you couldn't save her?"
A muscle twitched in Sam's jaw. "I could have saved her, Buck. If I just had a little more time- maybe I could have said something, or done something -"
"Sam." Bucky's voice was firm, but not harsh. He noticed Sam's hands fisted in the material of his pants. He was trembling.
Bucky's heart clenched. Seeing someone so strong- seeing Sam - in such pain was agonising. Bucky tried not to think about why he was so affected by it, even if he already knew the answer, and accepted it.
Instead of dwelling on it, Bucky stood and moved to sit next to Sam on his bed. Without thinking about the consequences, or how it could be interpreted, Bucky reached out and gently pried Sam's left hand from where it was clenched, taking it in his grasp. He didn't reach for Sam's other hand. He didn't want to force Sam into touching his Vibranium arm.
And yet, Sam's fingers inched toward Bucky's metal ones, his body turning slightly toward Bucky’s. Bucky felt the gentle pressure of Sam's fingers against his, holding his hand.
In any other situation Bucky might have cried. This time, however, he took a breath and reminded himself that Sam needed him.
"You and I both know the dangers of 'maybe's and 'what if's, Sam. Yeah, maybe there was something you could have done, maybe you could have saved her, if you'd had more time." Bucky squeezed Sam's hands. "But thinking about that isn't gonna change what happened, or didn't happen."
Sam let out a long sigh, and his eyes drifted from their joined hands up to meet Bucky's gaze. "It feels like Riley all over again," he whispers.
"Sam…you spent too long blaming yourself for Riley. You can't blame yourself for Karli, too. I know it fucking sucks, but she won’t be the only person that you can’t save, especially not now that you’re Cap." Bucky rubbed his thumbs over the backs of Sam’s hands. “You can’t blame yourself, because if you do you’re gonna wear yourself down, and you’re gonna break yourself, and then who’s going to wear the stars and stripes?”
"I know," Sam breathed. He fixed his eyes on their hands once more. "We should- we should, uh...head to bed. It's late, I'm sore and tired. You probably are, too."
And just like that Sam was back to normal, pretending like nothing happened. He stood, letting go of Bucky's hands, and moved around to the other side of his bed. Bucky watched him climb under the covers and lay his head on the pillow.
There was a beat of silence before Bucky stood, sighing. He moved to pull back the covers on his own bed, resigned to the fact that Sam probably didn't want to talk any more, and pushing wouldn’t get them anywhere.
"Buck."
Bucky turned around, surprised to see that Sam had pulled back the covers on his bed further, an invitation.
"Are you sure?" He asked, because he wasn't sure he believed that Sam was actually inviting him to sleep beside him.
It wasn't until Sam nodded that Bucky moved and climbed into the bed next to him. He moved slowly, giving Sam ample opportunity to change his mind, but he didn't. Even when Bucky laid his head down, Sam didn't say anything. In fact, he scooted closer, and Bucky’s heart thudded in his chest.
Bucky's metal hand lay between them. His breath hitched when Sam reached up to interlace their fingers. Sam- ever observant Sam- caught the sound, and looked at Bucky.
"Is this okay?"
It's perfect , Bucky wanted to say. But of course, he held his tongue. Instead he nodded, secretly hoping that Sam understood everything he wanted to say.
They laid in silence for a moment before Sam's eyes began to drift shut, sleep overcoming him. Bucky fell asleep not long after, the only thought in his mind:
Didn't need the second bed after all .