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Matter can not be destroyed. It can be reshaped, remolded, transcended from its original form, but it will always exist. Some say the same is true for the spirit.
No one knows what the ancient evil really is, or how it became forever trapped in that tiny cluster of molecules. A long forgotten curse, an entombed spirit, who could tell? It's only mark through history the blood drawn by the people who owned it. When accidentally folded into the blade of a sword, its owner killed more than any other solder in battle. Later, in a rifle, it made headline news from it's clock tower perch. Car after car mowed down the innocent under its oily influence... on and on through the years, until today.
The time for rebirth was at hand.
"Hey, Wufei! Looks like Shenlong's almost done getting repaired!"
"Aa."
~~~~~~~
Hey now, all you sinners
Put your lights on, Put your lights on
Hey now, all you lovers
Put your lights on, Put your lights on
~~~~~~~
At the beginning of the war each battles' end was a time of exaltation. Then the battles became harder, the fields bloodier and dying voices stained the solders' souls. Now the Gundam pilots found themselves numb. All they wanted was peace, something each secretly believed would never come. But that doesn't mean they never made an effort to find some small fraction of comfort.
Heero and Trowa somehow managed to find solace in each other's presence. Like two silent resonating rods, they complimented each other. Each calmed the other's troubled mind.
Quatre was never fully able to relax, the mantle of leadership too heavy to be easily forgotten, but was still able to find solace in his twenty-nine sisters. Their chatty gossip was a blessed distraction and reminded him there was a world outside statistics and orders and blood.
Duo wrapped himself in secular distractions, the flash and glitter of immediate gratification. Anything that might amuse him without hindering his performance was game. Unfortunately, without any real substance, they quickly faded and Duo was left empty and unfulfilled.
Then there was Wufei... It would be easy to assume that nothing more can happen to an empty vessel. But after it's foundation is stripped away and it's soul is left hollow and dry, the walls can become brittle and crack. This is exactly where Wufei was headed if left alone much longer.
~~~~~~~
"Hey, Wufei! Looks like Shenlong's almost done getting repaired!"
"Aa."
"We really got hit hard this time, don't you think? But we still kicked their asses!
"Hn."
"Sometimes I love my job!"
"You don't have to yell, Maxwell. I am in the same room as you, remember?"
Duo just leaned back and grinned. It had taken a while, but he was slowly getting the moody black haired pilot to talk in full sentences around him. The monosyllabic grunts and one-word dismissals usually muttered by his friend had only served to strengthen Duo's resolve to break some of Wufei's walls, and he treasured every extra syllable coaxed from that wonderful golden throat.
"Guess what guys! I got another letter from a sister!"
Duo and Wufei both turned at Quatre's exuberant entrance. Each letter from home was shared, the golden haired pilot trying to give a little of his happiness to everyone.
"That's cool Q-man! Which sis is this one from?"
"Rebecca, the twenty three year old veterinary student. She's the one who wrote last month wanting to know if she should drop out of school and run off with that tattoo artist. Remember?"
Wufei nodded his head. It was quite a task keeping the soap opera that was Quatre's family straight, but somehow they managed.
"I remember her. The question was weather to stay in college or go live in a commune, correct?"
"That's the one! Well it turns out that this artist guy was dipping into more than one inkwell, if you get my meaning. The whole reason he wanted to go to the commune was to get away from the THREE women he'd managed to get pregnant! Anyway, Rebecca found out right before they were supposed to leave and broke the whole thing off. Err... and apparently that isn't the only thing of his she broke, but I don't think I'll go into that right now."
"That sleaze! What a complete slime-ball! I can't believe I told you to tell her to go for it!"
"Neither could we, Maxwell. As I recall, you were the only one who thought it was a good idea."
"Humph! Ok, so it was a bad call in this case. But I still say love is worth every risk."
Ignoring Duo, who was too busy sticking his tongue out at Wufei to notice, Quatre put the letter aside, shrugging at his sisters complicated love life.
"Oh well, tis better to have loved and lost I guess..."
No one was expecting Wufei to visibly freeze at that comment. Even Duo was silent as the quiet soldier marched out of the room, turning just once before leaving completely.
"If it's so great, then you try it."
Quatre frowned and turned to Duo. "Was it something I said?"
"Naw man, don't worry about it. Wu just has a bug up his butt, don't let it bother you, ok? If he's still in a funk by morning I'll talk to him."
"If you say so." Although he didn't look completely convinced, the blonde pilot was sure Duo could make things all right.
Grabbing his coat, Duo headed for the door. "I'm going out for a bit. Page me if anything goes down, but I should be back before then. And tell your sis I'm sorry it didn't work out, ok?"
Quatre didn't even have a chance to say goodnight before the front shut behind the long twitching braid.
~~~~~~~
Duo silently descended into the city's night scene. Smokey bars, neon lights, all the trappings of a B-grade movie set the stage for tonight's little diversion. Sipping his warm beer, he looked around at the players who'd crawled out for a little entertainment.
Let's see. Table number one's got to be a lawyer. Bet he plays rough just 'cause he knows he won't get in trouble for it. Prick.
Contestant number two's in the booth back there. What a sad looking character, really needs to get in the sun more. I bet he started out as one of the kids here, then got to old to play the game and didn't know what else to do. Isn't that right? Now you're nothing better than the old buzzards that warped you. Pathetic.
And then there's Johnny number three down at the other end of the bar. 'Mr. My Wife Doesn't Understand Me.' You get off playing slap and tickle in dark stairwells with little boys and your wife doesn't understand? Gee, I wonder why? Loser. ~
Trying not to grimace as he swallowed another house special, if you can call warm flat beer special, Duo's mind turned on himself.
~ To be honest, I'm no better than those jerks over there. Sitting here trying to distract myself from a miserable life full of nothing but pain and war and...him.
Wufei.
God, I'm such a fucking coward! Can't even be in the same room with him without wanting to touch him, hold him, kiss him. Do I tell him how I feel? Of course not! I just sit there and chatter like a damn fool, then he goes to worship Nataku and I'm stuck here.
Again.
I'm so tired of it all. Tired of pretending it's Wufei pressed up next to me. Pretending it's his lips I'm kissing, his hair between my fingers. I... I don't think I can do this anymore. ~
Duo looked up from his musings just as 'Mr. My Wife Doesn't Understand Me' moved to sit next to him at the bar. With a sigh Duo put down his money and walked away.
~ Sorry pal. I'm don't want to play your Reindeer games any more. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars.
I just want to go home. ~
~~~~~~~
When Wufei had left Quatre's study he'd gone straight for the hangar. No one understood him; no one understood his pain. In the dark, alone with the dry metal shavings and cold stagnant oil, he curled up and let his mind scream.
~ Why? Why does it still hurt inside? The pain never stops...never stops. My heart still bleeds from Merian's death. Every day it tears apart for my colony's destruction. My friends. My home. And that Winner brat dares talk about love? One loss does not compare to thousands! He does not understand. No one understands.
To hell with them all. ~
Looking up into the inky darkness surrounding Nataku, he gently placed his palms against the warm black metal. This giant was all that was left of his home, all that was left of him.
~ You and I shall ride out this war. We'll show them what a warrior is made of. OZ will see our face when their death rattles echo in their throats! ~
~~~~~~~
Wufei was so distracted with his own thoughts he never noticed Duo's early return that night. The longhaired pilot was so wrapped up in his own musings he didn't see Wufei curled up against Shenlong's ankle.
Neither noticed the menacing green light that glinted from the Gundam's inanimate glass.
~~~~~~~
~ Dark. Hot. Pain. Green. Anger. "Why?" Closer. Mean. Anger. Pain.
"Who are you?" ANGER! Protect. Punish. Punish! "Please! Stop!"
PAIN! Heat. Now!
"No!" ~
"NO!" Quatre jerked up in bed, blonde bangs clinging to his sweaty skin. Shaking his head, he fluffed his pillow and lay back down to sleep.
He never noticed the pale green mist that rolled along the floor. He never realized the nightmare was starting again, never saw the pattern in the dream he would forget again and again and again.
~~~~~~~
Hey now, all you killers
Put your lights on, Put your lights on
Hey now, all you children
Leave your lights on; you better leave your lights on
~~~~~~~
The next morning Duo staggered into the kitchen in desperate need of caffeine. At this ungodly hour, chewing coffee grounds straight out of the can sounded good if it would wake him up! Slumping against the counter, he blindly grabbed a coffee mug and poured a cup of liquid ambrosia. Then he poured another.
Five minutes later, third cup of coffee in hand, Duo turned to face the day.
Sitting across from Quatre at the breakfast table, Duo noticed dark rings under his friend's eyes. His usually immaculate blonde hair was wild.
"Gee Quatre, you look like shit. Didn't sleep last night?"
Stifling a yawn, Quatre grinned. "Thanks Duo, I love you too. Actually, I slept fine. Don't know why I'm still so tired." Another yawn broke through. "I hear you got home early last night. Loosing your touch?"
Duo acted as though shot through the heart. "Slander I say! Slander! I'll have you know I was the talk of the town last night! Started at least three scandals, broke up five marriages (and weren't those wives pissed when they found out!), AND stole the hearts of half the people I met!"
Quatre had to laugh as Duo gave him a big kidding wink. Then they turned to more serious matters like breakfast.
Neither pilot knew they were being watched. Wufei stood in the shadows beyond the doorway listening to everything they said, his eyes never leaving Duo's face.
~ Look at him. So full of life, so vibrant, drawing us to him like wild meteors pulled to the sun. What would he want with me? He could have anyone. All he'd have to do it stretch forth his hand and pluck his chosen admirer from the crowd.
What could he see in me?
All I am, all I've ever been, has been pressed upon me. Now I'm nothing more than a reflection of my environment. I used to be married, used to study, used to be alive. Now I'm just...
Used.
If I told him my feelings he'd laugh at me. Paste that moronic fake grin on his beautiful lips and pretend it's all a joke. Make ME the joke. To hell with that, even empty shells have their pride.
Sometimes, it's all we have./i> ~
Squaring his shoulders and grabbing his duffel bag, he made his way fully into the kitchen.
"Good morning Wufei! Quatre and I were just debating the merits of cereal versus bagels. What do you think?"
Wufei turned away from the boys at the table, barely glancing at Duo as he pulled a thermos from a top shelf. "I don't have time for meaningless debates Maxwell. New mission orders came in for me this morning and I have to go."
Filling the thermos with water, he stored it with his things and turned to his host. "I should return before Heero and Trowa are done with their assignment." Then he turned to Duo. "Please try not to shoot at me when I come back."
Both seated pilots were silent as they watched Wufei disappear into the hangar. Only then did Duo speak.
"Damn! Accidentally try to kill someone ONE time and they'll NEVER let you forget it!"
~~~~~~~
Wufei settled into the cockpit and set the autopilot; it was going to be a while before he got to the target base. Closing his eyes, he sought to center himself and prepare for the battle ahead.
Typically his mind lent soothing colors to his meditation, cool blues and calming violet painting the scene in his psyche. Today his center was harder to find and all he could see was green.
~~~~~~~
"Quatre?"
"Yes Duo?"
"It's been a couple days and Wufei still isn't back yet, you know? You don't think... "
"I'm sure everything's fine Duo. My heart would have felt something otherwise. Would you mind helping me set the table?"
"... yeah."
~~~~~~~
Fire seared the air as Wufei raced down the corridor. Every turn brought him closer to his escape, every step pushed faster by the flames licking at his heels.
~ Damn it! How could my timing have been off? I watched that production line for days! I had their routine down to the second! ~
Twisting around the corner just as a fireball swallowed the air behind him, he finally saw the exit. Across the lobby and through a field he knew Nataku waited.
Pain ripped through Wufei's shoulder before he even heard the shot. Blood mixed with sweat where it ran down his chest and the pilot cursed as he fell to his knees. ~ WHAT? Shit! I thought the few left alive were already gone! ~ Grasping his shoulder, he turned to stare at the solder through the rising heat.
"Don't you know better than to stay in burning buildings?"
The solder grinned as he bent and snapped his handcuffs around one thin wrist. "And lose my chance at promotion like this? What do you thi"
The young man, only a few years only than Wufei really, never got to finish his sentence. Everything happened so quickly, he never saw the pilot's legs wrap around his head or feel the jerk right before his neck snapped. He was dead before he hit the floor.
Grabbing the keys to the handcuffs, Wufei muttered "Fool" and got out right before the roof collapsed. Strapping himself into his cockpit and waiting for the systems to boot up Wufei unlocked the handcuffs and tossed them to the floor. Checking the long-range radar, he saw a squad of mobile suits scrambling in his direction.
Pathetic! How are you supposed to help your people if you can't even be here on time?
~~~~~~~
"Oh, Duo? Could you run in the kitchen and grab some cups?"
"Hey, not a problem! I snagged these on my way out. You have a choice tonight between festive red or green."
"NO!"
"Quatre?!? What's wrong!? What is it?"
"No... Nothing's wrong. Nothing's wrong, I just... just... not the green."
~~~~~~~
Wufei had never fought better in his life. Napalm arched through the sky as he spun and danced around his enemies. They never had a prayer. A smile lurked around the corners of his mouth as wave after wave of MS's fell before him.
"Fight me! Come on! You haven't even touched me yet! Surely there's a worthy opponent among you all. There has to be!"
It was almost as though his controls knew what he wanted to do before he did them; the timing and precision were so exact. A feeling of calm swept over him. Self-doubt bled away as confidence bloomed and grew.
The beam glaive's green glow cast wild shadows over Wufei's face as he slowly began to laugh.
"Yes! Nataku! See how they fall? Nothing can stand in our way!"
Standing alone in the silent battlefield, the day's single survivor gave his heartfelt approval. This was what he had trained for. This was what his Gundam had been made for. Everything was right in the world.
Turning for home, Wufei continued to laugh. He had never felt such exhilaration. It had never felt so right. Now he felt alive again.
Now he felt complete.
~~~~~~~
Because there's a monster living under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There's an angel with a hand on my head
She says I've got nothing to fear
~~~~~~~
Securing Nataku in the hanger, Wufei took a moment to look around. Sandrock seemed to glow against the murky gray while Deathscythe blended into the shadows, each Gundam ready and waiting for the call to battle. But when next to his Nataku they were small and paled in comparison.
"You were incredible out there today. None of them were a match for us, and none of them ever will be. There will be more, and they will fall as well. Good night, my Nataku."
He knew in his heart that no other weapon would ever be for him. Quatre was forever apologizing from his cockpit; he'd never understand the thrill that came with crushing the enemy. Duo...
Duo...
Climbing to his cockpit one last time, Wufei grabbed something and turned to walk toward the house. Thoughts of the laughing American made him eager to be inside. The enemy may have easily fallen beneath his feet but there was still one last battle left to fight. Again Wufei felt the confidence and surety of his actions flow through him.
Duo Maxwell would be his.
~~~~~~~
Duo and Quatre silently waited in the kitchen. They'd known as soon as Wufei's Gundam had entered the hangar, security being as tight as it was, but neither was up to going out there to welcome him home.
Quatre felt exhausted. Lack of sleep and a growing sense of unease were keeping him on edge. Rest eluded him, even with the pills his sister had prescribed. Conserving his energy, the tired blonde sat at the table and waited for their friend.
Duo on the other hand had enough energy running through him for both pilots. After nearly a week of worrying (and pacing and then worrying some more,) Duo was more than ready to rush out and give Wufei a welcome back he'd never forget. But Wu was the quiet, reserved type. ~ If I've got to settle for friendship with him I'm sure as hell not going to push him away! ~ So Duo waited (and paced and waited some more...)
When Wufei finally walked through the door both Duo and Quatre were sitting at the table. Coffee cups, each half-empty and cold surrounded the blonde. (He needed to coffee to stay awake, but tended to drift off and forget he already had a cup till half way though the new one.) Across from him Duo fiddled with his own mug, tracing old cracks and stains with a fingernail.
As soon as the door opened Duo wanted to rush up and hug the returning pilot. He wanted to touch the other boy, prove to himself that his friend was home safe, that his worries and fears were for nothing. Forcing himself to remain seated, Duo settled for a hundred-watt grin and a loud "Welcome home!"
Quatre jerked awake at Duo's voice and turned to the door. Smiling, he gave his welcome as well, truly glad his friend returned safe.
Wufei glanced around the room as he set down his bag. Every angle seemed sharper, every shadow revealing it's secrets for him to understand. Observing the two at the table he dismissed Quatre as insignificant, it was Duo who held his interest. He could see the buttons to press, the traps to weave... He knew how to get what he wanted.
"Hey man, how'd the mission go? Bet you blew those bastards to hell and back!"
Looking Duo straight in the eye, Wufei grinned. "Everything went like clockwork."
Duo just grinned and tapped his coffee mug nervously. ~ Why is he grinning? He's never looked at me like that before! What if... Could he? No way, he couldn't be thinking about me like that... Right? ~
Quatre looked closer and gasped. "Gods! Your shirt! Is that a bullet hole?"
Looking down, Wufei touched the tattered round hole at his shoulder. "Nonsense. If I'd been wounded I wouldn't be standing here chatting."
"But it looks..."
"Quatre, look at me. I'm fine." ~ The fire... the soldier... was there a gun? No, there couldn't have been. But I don't remember... ~ "Being shot isn't something I'd forget. The shirt must have torn on something, that's all."
Looking less than reassured but obviously doubting himself, Quatre stood. "Well, either way, I'm glad you're back safe. I'll just go grab the sewing kit and put it in your room so you can fix that."
"Yes, that's a good idea. Thank you."
Duo frowned at the growing circles under Quatre's eyes. "Why don't you grab some shut eye too? You look dead on your feet!"
Blanching at the thought of sleep, the tired boy managed to smile and murmur "Maybe" on his way out the door.
As soon as Quatre was out of earshot Wufei turned to Duo. Walking up behind the seated pilot, he bent over a black clad shoulder and whispered "I thought about you while I was away."
Like a cat observing a mouse, he saw Duo's long slender fingers grip tightly around the old coffee mug. He heard the other boy's breath hitch.
"Oh? It must have been the quiet, you know, without me around to make noise. Right?"
Grinning, Wufei brought his arm up around Duo's other shoulder. "I even brought you a souvenir."
Duo's eyes widened. From warm caramel fingers dangled a shiny pair of handcuffs. Trying to talk around a suddenly dry mouth, he squeaked "You brought me a pare of cuffs?"
Slipping them into the stunned boy's shirt pocket, Wufei straightened and grabbed his bag from the floor. "They made me think of you."
"Thanks Wu, but..."
Whatever he was about to say never got finished because suddenly a warm callused hand was cupping his chin, the thumb pressing against his lips. The black haired pilot was leaning over him again, whispering in his ear. "My name is Wufei. When you say ~ beg/scream/moan ~ my name, I want you to say it right."
Just as suddenly the hand was gone, his ear already missing the warm breath that brushed against it. Duo stared at the retreating back and managed to gasp out his question. "But Wufei, where are the keys?"
Stopping just inside the doorway, Wufei threw one last glance before leaving. "I have those, of course. If you ever want to use your gift, all you have to do is come find me."
Sitting alone at the kitchen table, stunned, confused and more than a little bit excited, one though echoed through Duo's mind.
~ What the fuck was that? ~
~~~~~~~
The next few days left Duo even more confused. Every time he turned around Wufei was there, grinning at him, talking to him, making his heart race and his blood roar. When they brushed in the hall, was that an accident? When there fingers touched handing things to one another, was that his imagination? The world was spinning faster and faster and he just couldn't keep up!
Sitting on the living room couch, Duo curled around himself. The TV was on but his thoughts were turned inward. ~ What is going on with Wufei? One week he doesn't want anything to do with me, the next he's all over me! God, why can't he do something one way or the other and just make it clear? All I know is Heaven would be a lazy Saturday morning in his arms. ~
He was so distracted by his inner monologue Duo didn't realize someone else was in the room until the object of his thoughts sat down next to him. The feel of gentle fingers brushing his cheek snapped him into the present.
"Wu...fei! Wufei! How long have you been here?"
Chuckling, the Chinese boy shook his head. "Not long, but you know better than to lose track of your surroundings. What were you thinking about so deeply?"
"Uh..." ~ He's still touching my cheek! What do I do? Do I nuzzle his hand; touch his cheek too? What if I'm reading it all wrong? What if there's nothing going on and it's all in my head? ~ "Oh, nothing. You know how sometimes you just start thinking but by the time you're done you're not really thinking about anything anymore? Your brain just kind of goes into a rest mode and shuts down for a little while, I guess that's where I was. Nope! Not a thing going on! What about you? Did you need something? Is it a mission?"
Wufei laughed as Duo gasped for air. "No, no mission. I just thought you and I should use this time to get to know each other better. Quatre's in his room resting, the other's haven't returned yet, so it's just you and me."
Duo tried a nervous smile and nodded, letting his face brush against the warm fingers still tracing his cheek. The fingers didn't move away so he leaned against them again, letting his brush turn into a nuzzle. ~ His touch! I've never felt anything so soft and warm! Please touch me back. God, Wufei, PLEASE touch me back! ~
Violet eyes told Wufei everything he needed to know. Duo was his for the taking. Tilting that sweet face toward him, he asked "Would you like us to know each other better?"
A sigh escaped stunned lips. "Yes Wufei. I... I would like that."
Erasing the inches that separated them, sweet lips met in the lightest of touches. Confident fingers stroked soft peach skin, tracing the arched neck and teasing the delicate shell of a sensitive ear. Duo relaxed into the sure embrace and let the other lead their union. He wanted to touch back, NEEDED to touch back, but knew that it wasn't his place. Wufei had taken control of the situation, was the Alpha male from their first caress, and Duo was his to command.
Everything was as it should be.
Soon Duo felt those wonderful fingers move down his body. Every touch was electric as he gasped under Wufei's caress. "Oh Wufei, that feels so..." Words were so empty compared to the overflowing feelings running through his veins! "Please! Please, may I touch you too?"
Pressing that long supple body against his own, Wufei licked an ear before whispering "This time."
Reverently, almost afraid to find this a dream, Duo ran his fingers through the fine black hair he had dreamed of. Marveling at the silk that slipped through his fingers he kissed those soft tresses, inhaling the woodsy primal scent that was Chang Wufei.
~ How much closer to Heaven will I be allowed to go? ~ The supple skin under Duo's hands seemed softer than anything he'd ever felt before. Strong arms surrounded him, hot breath marked kisses on his lips and neck, and best of all it was Wufei doing these things!
Chocolate eyes looked down at the writhing boy and Wufei smiled. Soon everything would be perfect. Drawing away, he stood up and held a hand out to Duo.
Pure confusion looked up at him. "What's wrong? Why did you stop?"
"I think we should get to know each other... even better. The living room couch is hardly the place for such things." By Duo's excited flush, he knew he had been understood.
Taking the offered hand, Duo stood and silently followed Wufei upstairs. ~ Maybe this is Heaven after all. ~
~~~~~~~
Quatre stumbled down the hall, white coffee mug desperately clutched in both shaking hands. He couldn't understand it, there were no nightmares, no terrors, so why wasn't he sleeping? As far as he could tell he hadn't even had any regular dreams for the last few weeks, let alone troubled ones. All he knew was he had a sudden intense aversion to sleep, an overwhelming sense of intrusion, and maybe even chromatophobia... He wouldn't even wear green socks!
Walking past Duo's room, Quatre thought he heard a noise. He was just about to knock and make sure everything was all right when he heard the noise again, only this time much more clearly.
"Oh GOD! Wufei! Yes! YES! Again! Ahhh! Oh G..G..GOD! WUFEI!"
Turning beet red and almost dropping his mug, Quatre quickly backed away from the door. ~ I... I think I need another cup of coffee. ~
Rushing down the hallway as fast and as quietly as he could, the blushing pilot found himself in the kitchen. ~ I can't say that I'm surprised. Embarrassed, yes. Surprised, no. Duo's had a thing for Wufei for as long as I can remember, and the way Wu's been acting... At least I know Duo's feelings are returned... But what a way to find out! ~
Replacing his cold coffee with hot, Quatre noticed two incoming blips on the security screen. ~ Trowa and Heero are back! I need to tell Duo and... er... I can wait to tell the guys. ~
Standing at the counter fixing sandwiches for lunch, Quatre heard the door open. Two bags hitting the floor announced Heero and Trowa were home. Picking up the lunch tray, the tired blonde turned only to slam right into someone's very hard chest. Trying to fix his accident he franticly started trying to wipe ham and cheese off of Heero's tank top.
Heero's green tank top.
Jerking away with a gasp, Quatre stumbled back only to be caught by two strong arms. Turning around, he got one good look at Trowa before dropping to the floor unconscious.
Quickly kneeling down and checking his friend's vital signs Trowa looked at Heero. Confusion and worry marred his deep green eyes.
~~~~~~~
There's darkness deep in my soul
I sill got a purpose to serve
So let your light shine, into my home
God don't let me loose my nerve
Loose my nerve
~~~~~~~
The heart monitor's steady beep thundered through the quiet recovery room. Starched white sheets bleached the color from Quatre's face, leaving him seemingly small and defenseless.
All four pilots crowded the room, Duo sitting near his friend with Wufei standing beside him. Trowa and Heero silently watched from the bed's other side. No one knew why he had collapsed, the doctor couldn't find anything wrong, and Quatre just wouldn't wake up.
Duo reached out, wanting to hold his friend's hand, wanting to brush those stray blonde hairs away from that pale forehead, but stopped himself. It was silly to think a simple touch could make anything worse but he was afraid. After all, he had held Solo's hand all that time ago. He had brushed back sweaty bangs as his friend lay dying. If he didn't do the things he'd done before that would break the deja vu, right?
Holding tightly to Wufei's hand Duo tore his eyes away from the bed long enough to get Trowa's attention. "Are you sure nothing happened in the kitchen? They checked for poison, right? Did he say anything before he fell?"
Both pilots just shook their heads. Heero held onto the beds metal guard rails, his white knuckles the only proof to his frustration.
"There's nothing. No physical reason for this what so ever. He's just asleep, dreaming, nothing more than that. As though he doesn't want to wake up."
Trowa looked away from the others, vague emotion coloring his thoughts. "We've all seen things we shouldn't see, done things that should never be done. The Doctor's think maybe he's found a better place. Maybe he doesn't want to come back."
"No! Quatre would never leave us like that! He'd feel guilty about even thinking that, he'd never just not come back! Hell you've known him even longer than I have, you know he'll come back. He's got to come back."
Wufei gently squeezed Duo's shoulder, letting his upset lover know he was there and giving what comfort he could. They had been just drifting to sleep when the alarm was hit and there had been little time for talk in the rush afterwards. Maybe now that Quatre was stable, or as stable as they could guess considering they still didn't know what was wrong, they could find time to resume their new relationship.
Turning to the others Wufei decided to be practical. "We'll need to rearrange the duty roster to pick up Quatre's missions and at least one person should be here at all times to alert the Doctors of any change. I suggest we draw straws to determine who goes first."
Heero pulled the shortest straw and went to check on Quatre's mission status. Leaving Trowa first watch over the patient, Wufei led Duo back to his bedroom.
~~~~~~~
Locking the door behind him, Wufei drew Duo into his arms. The longhaired pilot was tense, nearly shaking with anger and worry. Holding his lover tight, running his fingers slowly through silken honey locks, he waited for the feelings to run their course.
"It's alright Duo. It's all right. Quatre's strong, he'll be just fine." Murmured nonsense and well placed kisses calmed those frayed nerves and eventually Duo relaxed into the embrace.
"I hate this, Wufei. I hate not being able to do anything."
"Sometimes we're put in impossible situations, rendered helpless by factors beyond our control. At those times all we can do is struggle through."
Duo moaned and arched his neck under Wufei's gentle caress. "But Quatre..."
"Shhh. Quatre knows about us. He'd understand our taking time for ourselves."
Duo couldn't think straight. After being emotionally drained from a day of worrying over Quatre and now loosing himself to his lovers touch, he didn't understand. "How could he know about us?"
Warm lips whispered from behind his ear. "He heard us yesterday, through the door. The way you moan I'm surprised all of OZ didn't hear us."
"Ah... Makes sense I guess... Now where were we?"
For the next few hours nothing existed but warmth and pleasure, ending with a very well deserved nap.
~~~~~~~
Wufei watched his lover sleeping. Soon he would leave, a quick mission calling him away, but for now nothing else mattered.
~ It's so dark here. All your black things absorb what little light there is. But I can see perfectly. I can see your skin, so white against the black sheets. I can see the veins running up and down your neck. And I know that with just a thought I could see the crimson of your blood. I have become that powerful, and I hold that power over you. But if I did that I wouldn't be able to hold you like this. I'd never hear my name whispered from your lips. I'd miss that incredible moment when you first open your eyes and your violet soul peers out. ~
Leaning down, he kissed Duo awake. He held his breath as drowsy eyelids flickered open and pure love looked his way.
"I have to go. It won't take long. I'll be back as soon as I can."
A quick kiss, a mumbled "'Kay, love ya." and Duo was back asleep.
Wufei grabbed his bag and left the room. He had a mission and his other love was waiting.
~~~~~~~
"DAMN IT!"
~ A simple mission, they said. A single plane of freight to destroy, they said. No backup needed because there'd be no guards, they said.
They lied! ~
Dodging the MS rushing his flank and knocking two others out of the sky, Wufei watched as five more flew at him. The ambush had been nearly successful, waiting till the Gundam had shot down the plane before attacking. If Nataku hadn't been as responsive as it was, or if his awareness had been as dimmed as it used to be, Wufei had no doubt he'd already be dead.
"You want to show me your power? Fine! Try to match me! But you WILL NOT WIN!"
Rising up, Shenlong was nearly clear of the swarm when two suits clamped onto his Gundam. One in front and one behind, they both exploded in their effort to bring down the enemy. The force of their blast sent Wufei flying through the air, spinning end over end.
Crashing hard, it took a minute for Wufei to clear his head. Alarms blazed around him, circuits crackled with electricity and damage reports flashed across his screens.
Shaking his head, the dazed pilot struggled to make sense of his sensor readings. It looked like Shenlong was repairing itself; wires were connecting and circuits were knitting back together.
Wufei laughed as he felt the power surging through his Gundam, the power surging through him. Raising his fist, he watched as scrapes and bruises melted away, his flesh as whole as before.
Now he was invincible!
Surging forward, melting mobile suits out of the sky, he screamed his delight for everyone to hear. "YES! Show me, Nataku! Show me what you can do!"
~~~~~~~
Duo flitted between Quatre's bedside and the communications room. No matter where he was, he wanted to be somewhere else. He wanted Wufei back, to make him forget about his worries for a while. He wanted his friend to wake up and be all right. He wanted...
"Wufei!"
Rushing away from the beeping radar screen, braid whipping behind him as he ran, Duo made record time to the hangar. Wufei had barely lowered himself from the cockpit when he was assaulted by an eager bundle of energy.
"I was SO worried about you! When I woke up and you weren't there I'd almost forgotten when you said goodbye. I didn't know where you were! Then I remembered about the mission and I knew where you were but I was still worried, you know? Did it go ok? You look ok, were you hurt?"
"Duo... I can't... breathe!"
"Oops!" Lowering his arms from around Wufei's neck, Duo latched himself to his lover's waist and hugged some more. "So don't I at least get an 'It's good to be back' kiss?"
Leaning closer, Wufei gave Duo his 'It's good to be back' kiss. That was quickly followed by an 'I missed you more than anything' kiss and a 'Bet I missed you more than you missed me' kiss.
Standing in the middle of the hangar the two pilots relaxed in each other's arms, neither caring if anyone could see them.
Neither caring if Nataku could see them.
~~~~~~~
Trowa and Heero had just sat down to dinner when an alarm went off in the hangar. Running out, they met Wufei half way between the Gundams and the house. Duo's limp body was clutched to him chest as he raced to the infirmary.
"What happened?"
"Damn it Heero, not now! Open the door so I can get him inside!"
Racing for the medical rooms, Trowa and Heero watched as the Chinese pilot gently placed his burden on the examination table. No one said a word as test after test was run. Finally, with a frustrated curse, Wufei looked over to them with worried dark eyes.
"It's the same. There's nothing wrong that I can find. As far the tests are concerned, he's just in a deep sleep. One minute he's standing there chatting away, the next he falls to the floor in a heap."
All eyes turned to the quiet form on the table. He looked fine. He looked asleep.
Just like Quatre.
~~~~~~~
Heero headed for the hangar. The weather matched his mood, dark and stormy. Shaking off the rain, he felt his frustration warring with anger at the whole situation. Two good allies flat on their backs in the infirmary. No way of knowing what the hell was wrong with them. Was it really contagious? How could they carry out any missions with two men down? Was it fatal? Could Trowa...
Climbing into Wing's cockpit, he punched at the keys to run internal diagnostics. He had to be doing something, anything to keep away the feeling of helplessness. Half way through the Zero system's diagnostic check he slammed his hands on the control panel.
"Damn it! I need to know what's going on! I need to know why they're sick!"
The last thing Heero expected was for Zero to have an answer. As the bright white lights poured out information, disbelief crawled down his spine.
This couldn't be right!
Could it?
~~~~~~~
Hey now, all you sinners
Put your lights on, Put your lights on
Hey now, all you children
Leave your lights on; you better leave your lights on
~~~~~~~
Wufei found himself again in the sterile white room. This time there was no worried lover to stand behind, no reason for supportive silence. Everything that mattered to him, everything he had left, was lying under those cold white sheets.
~ Gods Duo, what's happening? Just yesterday I had the world in the palm of my hand, everything was so clear. Today nothing makes sense any more. I never thought... after I got you... I never thought you'd leave me too. ~
Resting his cheek next to his silent love, holding that long braid as if it alone could keep Duo alive, Wufei cried with all his heart for answers as he slowly drifted to sleep.
His answers came in the form of green tinted dreams.
~~~~~~~
Heero couldn't believe the information Zero was telling him. Spirits? Possession? Ridiculous!
Right?
But everything else he'd ever been told by the system had been correct. Every scrap of information, ever bit of understanding beyond his immediate intuition, everything to date had been right on the mark.
There was no way he'd tell the others, they'd never believe him. If Duo was conscious the American would more than likely say he'd fallen on his head one time to many. What he needed was proof, but what kind of proof could there be?
Zero gave him a solution.
Securing the harness to strap himself in, Heero booted up the rest of Wings systems and turned to where Shenlong stood in the hangar. The way Zero explained it, with both Duo and Quatre out of commission there were now two Gundam more than they had pilots. If Heero was wrong, and nothing supernatural had invaded the other machine, they would still have one more Gundam than they had pilots. If Heero was right, the destruction of Shenlong would free the others from whatever unnatural ailment they had. The doctors could always build another machine, they liked doing that and it kept them out of trouble.
Magnetically hooking the Chinese pilot's MS to his own, Heero pulled Shenlong out of the hangar and into the rain. He had to get it away from the safe house, had to keep Trowa and the others safe.
Then he would blow it up.
~~~~~~~
The copper tang of blood filled the air, leaking from the vicious fluid coating everything. Walls dripped and everything touching the floor swam, but still blood flowed down the halls. Wufei struggled through the crimson sea, twin blades flashing as he ran through the ever rising tide. Duo was here. He knew it in the depth of his heart and would not stop until the missing boy was in his arms again.
Turning a corner he came across a tableau that froze his soul. A high wooden table stretched across the room, old and thick, darkened with age and use. On the table lay his lover, rivulets of blood running from his pale skin only to drip and mingle with their brothers on the floor. Standing over the corpse-still pilot was a shadow, tall and powerful... and familiar.
"Shenlong?"
Words filled the air, though no sound escaped the... droid? The machine? The devil. "Welcome, my wielder/driver/pilot. This is my gift. Nothing may prevent our melding."
"NO!"
Rushing to Duo's side, desperate for any sign of life, Wufei felt the wraith's cold metal arms pull him away. Spinning, nearly slipping on the slick red pools beneath his feet, he pushed away from the shadow with all his might. His captor never noticed, hugging him tight and crowing in triumph over his possession.
An ornate mirror filled the wall behind the wraith, tinted red like everything else in Wufei's universe. Staring into it, Wufei could see Duo on the table, could see the ever-increasing flow of life dripping away, but most of all he could see patterns running the length of his captor's back. Something in those patterns spoke to him, tickled his mind with a warning from long ago.
Wrapping his arms around the hooded figure's waist he pressed closer into its embrace.
"This was all you wanted?"
The air rippled in the creature's delight.
"Then let us leave this place together, my Nataku."
Wufei's dagger hit its mark, a perfect square in the small of his tormentor's back.
It staggered away, the air filling with sharp, angry hissing while it flailed about, trying to dislodge the blade, these things Wufei expected. He was not expecting the tears.
A light brighter than the sun filled his vision just as Wufei became swept up in the explosion. Thrown across the room, the last thing he saw was Duo slowly sitting up on the table.
Then there was nothing.
~~~~~~~
Quatre's house sprawled next to a deep ravine, the hangars dug out of the natural caves littering its hard rock walls. Heero followed a stream on the cavern floor as he drug his cargo down the red clay corridor till Zero told him it was safe.
Turning Shenlong around, he hit the small square self-destruct device in the middle of the giant metal back and turned to leave the blast radius. Its shrill warning alarm blared over the cracking thunder that filled the sky.
Wing had not even taken three steps when Heero stopped. Something was wrong. Cocking his ear to the silence, he tried to figure out what was missing. The rain still pounded on Wing's hull; thunder still rolled through the clouds... Then his eyes widened in shock.
The alarm had stopped.
Turning to look behind him, Heero's blood ran cold.
The Gundam had rolled itself over.
It had turned off its alarm.
And it looked mad.
~~~~~~~
Trowa had just finished checking on Quatre and walked across the hall to do the same for Duo. There was no sign of change in the sleeping boy, but sharp green eyes noticed something about the room. For one, Wufei was gone. The sullen pilot had not left his lover's side since Duo fell ill. There was also an extra indention in the pillow and Wufei's chair was tipped over.
Had there been a mission? Was there something wrong with Wufei, another illness perhaps? Trowa headed to the security suite to find out where everyone was.
He was not expecting what he found.
According to the computer, Wufei was in a jeep racing down the ravine to where Heero was in Wing fighting against... Shenlong?
Had someone stolen Wufei's Gundam? Flipping the switches to open the video channels, Trowa glanced for a moment at Heero's determined expression. Then he turned to look at the other cockpit and was surprised to find it empty. Obviously he was missing some very important information! Turning on the radio, he called to the jeep.
"This is Base to 05. Please respond 05. I need your status. Over"
Static was his only answer. He tried a different tactic.
"Repeat. 05 please respond. Does your status impact 02's treatment? Over"
More static sputtered from the tiny speakers until Wufei's voice crackled to life.
"...ave to make... ...ong self des... ...nly way to save D..."
"Please repeat. Your signal is week because of the storm. Please repeat."
"...figured out ... ...make Duo better... ...only way... ...oodbye."
Trowa didn't like the sound of that last transmission, but there was nothing he could do where he was. He thought about taking HeavyArms out to the battle but who would watch over Quatre and Duo?
Sitting in the darkened room, bathed in the monitors flickering light, Trowa silently watched the battle. What else could he do?
~~~~~~~
Wufei gunned the Jeep's engine, gouging tracks through the mud as he raced along the ravine. He ignored the howling wind that roared in his ears, the impotent rain that beat against the windows, nothing was important except reaching Nataku in time to save Duo.
Skidding to a stop at the cliff's edge Wufei stared at the two warring giants below him. Heero was in top form, Wing dodging and hitting with the grace of a dancer and the ruthlessness that was a Gundam pilot's signature. But Nataku...
Nataku was beautiful.
His Shenlong, his... and it moved with the precision he'd only dreamed of. It struck faster than the lighting that hit at its feet. It shrugged off the hits Wing gave, repairing damage faster than the other suit could inflict. It was invincible. And it was his for the taking.
All he had to do was forget about Duo.
Standing in the rain, hair and clothes plastered tight to his skin, Wufei began to laugh. He laughed at his life, he laughed at the world, he laughed at the games fate played.
Was there any question what choice he would make?
Running across the slippery ground, Wufei found a safe position on the very edge of the ravine and waited for Wing to push Shenlong below him. He didn't have to wait long. Leaping down, sliding across it's wet metal back, he latched onto the slick plating that covered the central access panel. Twisting it away, he plunged his arm elbow deep till he found the override switch he needed.
Heero thought he was seeing things. Had someone really jumped onto his opponent's back? Zooming in, he found Wufei doing something on Shenlong's back.
He knew that access panel. It was identical to the one on Wing. That was the access panel to the...
"Wufei! What are you doing? Get away from there!"
"Tell Maxwell... Tell Duo I'm sorry."
Heero heard the whine of Shenlong's self-destruct alert just as warning lights flashed along his cockpit. Realizing what Wufei had done, he sped Wing away from the white glowing Gundam.
Wufei closed his eyes, resigned to his fate as he physically kept the self-destruct system activated. Even through his eyelids the emergency lights glared brightly. As the countdown ended and the metal giant jerked its final death throes, lightning hit and Wufei felt a wall of electricity throw him away from the Gundam. Flying through the air, exploding shrapnel spinning around him, he slammed into the unforgiving stone wall and crumpled to the rocks below.
Wishing he could live long enough to watch violet eyes open again, Wufei finally lost consciousness.
~~~~~~~
Because there's a monster living under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There's and angel with a hand on my head
She says I've got nothing to fear
She says... you shine like stars
You shine like stars and fade away
~~~~~~~
Quatre slowly shuffled through the snow, a warm blanket wrapped around his shoulders and two steaming mugs of chocolate in his hands. An early snow had fallen again this year. Just like it had last year. The same as it had every year since Wufei...
Pushing those thoughts away he trudged further into his back yard, cresting a small rise as the setting sun washed him golden orange. Quatre found Duo there, curled up on a small stone bench they had put up after...
After.
Silence echoed around them as Quatre wrapped his friend in the blanket and forced the hot cup into reluctant hands. With only four pilots left it took longer to fight the war but still they fought and won. Now Relena made speeches on TV once a week, Heero and Trowa were off doing their thing, and Quatre got to pretend Duo was interested in living.
After they had both recovered from their strange illnesses, when they'd been told what had happened in the gorge, no one was prepared for Duo's reaction... because he didn't have one. Not once that they knew of did he cry, they never heard an angry denial or curse, but his veil of silence screamed his pain louder than anything else could have.
The first time Duo did speak about the explosion was three days later. He'd gone to Heero and asked about Wufei and Shenlong's remains. Quatre still felt chills at the tone that had been in Duo's voice, the dispassionate whispers so wrong from a usually bright soul. All the parts of Gundam Shenlong had been gathered and piled up in some warehouse somewhere.
Wufei had not been as easy to find.
Heero didn't go into detail, but as he described locating the body under piles of rock and near molten scrap everyone in the room flinched.
Sipping his drink and watching Duo stare at the sunset painted snow, Quatre thought about the weeks that had followed the burial. They used to joke that Wufei would want to be buried in his Gundam. Now they knew better.
Two ceremonies were held, one for the pilot and one for the machine. It rained the day they said good bye to their friend, the soft loam giving something colonies like L5 never could. Rest. Quatre liked to think that there were tears mixed in with the rain on the other pilots faces, that he wasn't alone in his expression of grief, but there was no way to really be sure.
It was still raining that night as they pushed the cement block housing Shenlong into the sea. No one cried for that.
Looking over at the blanketed form sitting next to him, Quatre had to wonder how Duo managed to function till the war ended. He had become quiet, sullen around the others. There was no connection between the fighting boy from before and the resigned husk of a man he knew now.
It seemed that as soon as the treaty was signed Duo lost interest in living.
Now, every night, Quatre made the trek up to this bench. He watched Duo stare out at the sunset, never really seeing the fading sphere or even the weather around him. Every night he asked Duo to come into the house, only to be answered by silence. Every night he led the broken marionette that used to be Duo back into the house, chatting about everything and nothing, (everything except Wufei that is), with little hope his friend might talk back. If someone had told him two years ago HE'D be the more talkative of the two, Quatre would have died laughing. Now he could barely remember what Duo's voice sounded like.
"It's getting dark out Duo. We should head back inside."
Taking his friend's still full mug, Quatre poured the now cold cocoa into the snow. Firmly holding onto Duo's elbow, he slowly led the way back home. Letting his frustration show, the tired blonde sighed, "Oh Duo, I wish you didn't miss Wufei so much."
To Quatre's surprise, Duo stopped and looked at him. For the first time in months, Duo spoke.
"Miss him? How can I miss him when he won't leave me alone? I hear his voice every day in the wind. I see his face drawn by raindrops against the window. He holds me every time the sun shines; and kisses me when it doesn't.
You were there Quatre, remember? Maybe you can tell me 'cause Wufei ain't telling. Did he ever really love me? Was any of that really him, or was it that... that thing the whole time, controlling him? I've thought about it and thought about it, but I just don't know."
Quatre thought about the events Heero and Trowa had told them about, trying to see the scene they had described. Duo needed an honest answer.
"I think it was real. I mean, that it was really him and he really loved you. If he'd been controlled then he never would have fought against it like he did. He would never have triggered the detonation device. Trowa said that right before he... that Wufei told him he was going to make you better. He MUST have known what was going to happen, but loved you enough to do it anyway."
Quatre looked straight at Duo, showing all his sincerity with his eyes. "Yes Duo, he loved you more than anything else on earth."
Lit only by what little moonlight managed to sneak through the clouds, Duo looked to heaven and whispered "Yeah. It probably was real after all. In that case I guess I can forgive him."
The two young men slowly made there way inside, away from the snow and the cold, and never saw the newest star sparkle in the sky.