Work Text:
It was after midnight by the time all the guests left the White House after the post-State of the Union celebration. Donna was utterly exhausted, but if she was being honest with herself, she didn’t want to go home alone. She couldn’t shake the eyes of Kaehlers begging for clemency for their son out of her mind, and her mind kept adding images of them absolutely devastated by his suicide. She needed to keep moving so she couldn’t dwell too long on it, which was why she was in the bullpen organizing files for the upcoming week. Josh was around somewhere too, his presence a comfort even at a distance.
She heard footsteps approaching her and looked up expecting to see Josh, surprised to see President Bartlet walking towards her instead, a gentle smile on his face. She quickly jumped up from her seat. “Sir! I didn’t realize you were still in the West Wing,” she said. “How can I help you?”
“Come walk with me Donna,” he said gesturing to her to come to him. “I’d like to talk for a little bit if that would be okay.”
“Of course sir,” Donna replied pushing her chair in and joining the president in an aisle of the bullpen. “Anything you need.”
“This is as much for you dear as it is for me. I know tonight wasn’t easy for you,” President Bartlet said, giving Donna a knowing look and squeezing her upper arm. Donna found herself blinking back tears and swallowing hard, his fatherly attitude chipping away at the defenses she had erected after her mini-breakdown with Josh. “Come on. Let’s go the long way around to the Oval.”
As they strolled through the bullpens, President Bartlet listed off random trivia about various things they passed or people who had worked in the offices. Donna felt herself calming down as she listened to his steady voice, focusing on it instead of her swirling thoughts. Too soon they reached the Oval Office where Donna knew the president was going to want to talk about the events of the evening. She knew it would be good to talk about them, but she also wanted to ignore everything as long as she could.
Crossing the threshold, President Bartlet gestured for Donna to have a seat on one of the couches. She sat down, smoothing her hands down nonexistent wrinkles on her pants. President Bartlet took a seat next to her.
They sat in silence for a few seconds before President Bartlet sighed and said, “Donna, it’s okay, natural even, to be upset about what happened tonight, but I want to make sure you know none of it was your fault. No one, including the Kaehlers, blames you at all, despite what your mind might be telling you.”
“How did you,” Donna started to ask before President Bartlet held up a hand and cut her off.
“You’re one of my girls Donna. I’ve got a pretty good idea of how your mind works. I see it at work in what you’ve done for Josh and in the time I’ve spent around you. Plus, I can see it in your eyes, how much this is hurting you.”
“I just feel like if I had tried a little bit harder, I could have done something to save him, given him some reason not to...” Donna trailed off, tears pooling in her eyes causing her to look down at her lap. She didn’t want to lose it in front of the president. Even though she often looked at him as a father-figure, she didn’t want him to see her inability to regulate her emotions. “I shouldn’t have let this become so personal for me.” A couple of tears dripped into her lap.
“Sweetheart, look at me,” President Bartlet said, taking one of Donna’s hand in his own and giving it a light squeeze. Donna lifted her head to make eye contact with him. The warm and caring look in his eyes prompted a few more tears to slide down her cheeks. “Your heart is part of why you’re so good at your job. It’s okay to become invested and care about things. That’s how we make change. You just also must learn to not shoulder the blame or burden for things that are out of your control. You did absolutely everything you could for all of those people Donna, and then some. If anyone is to blame for the tragic death of the Kaehler’s son, it’s me. I’m the one who didn’t sign the pardon.”
“Oh sir, you can’t blame yourself. You had valid reasons you couldn’t sign that pardon,” Donna said earnestly, swiping at her tears with the hand President Bartlet wasn’t holding. She didn’t like the idea of him taking the blame.
He squeezed her hand again, rubbing his thumb across it lightly. “If you say that, knowing I was the one with the power to pardon him, then you can’t blame yourself either. See how that works? A bunch of circumstances came together in what happened tonight, and no one is to blame for any of them. Remember how many people we helped, and try to draw strength from that, though I know it doesn’t erase the pain of tragedy.”
“I guess…” Donna said slowly. “It just hurts so much.” Her voice cracked, and she swallowed hard, trying to stifle the sob that desperately wanted to leave her chest.
“I know Donna, I know. It’s okay to cry about it. It’s okay to let yourself feel,” President Bartlet said softly. He let go of her hand and placed the hand that had been holding it on her back, rubbing up and down gently.
“I can’t,” Donna choked, her voice straining trying so hard not to cry. “I’m not the one who lost someone tonight. And I shouldn’t be putting my issues with this onto you. You’ve got enough other stuff.”
“Oh sweetheart,” President Bartlet sighed. “You don’t have to lose something or someone to be upset. This impacted you personally as well. Your pain is valid. We’re family here, and family doesn’t let each other suffer alone. I wouldn’t have brought you here to talk if I didn’t want to be here for you. It’s okay to let it out now.”
Each of President Bartlet’s caring words said in such a steady, loving tone chipped away at piece after piece of Donna’s defense until there was nothing left. She trusted President Bartlet inherently, and his caring presence and words combined with the knowledge she didn’t have to be anywhere else tonight finally made her feel safe enough to completely break down. A sob escaped her throat, and after that first one got out, there was no stopping the rest of them. Before she was consciously aware of it, she was crying in earnest and President Bartlet had wrapped her up in a hug.
“There you go sweetie. Let it out,” he murmured, holding her tight against him, one hand holding her head to his shoulder, the other rubbing gently up and down her back, so obviously the move of a father who had held crying daughters many times before. She buried her head into his shoulder and cried harder, not realizing how much she had needed the fatherly comfort.
As she cried, President Bartlet rocked her slightly back and forth and spoke soft words of comfort and encouragement. She couldn’t tell exactly what he was saying through her sobs, but just the sound of his voice was soothing. After a few minutes of heavy tears, her sobs started to ease up until they eventually stopped. She stayed in the comfort of his embrace for an extra minute, and then she eased herself back, feeling much lighter than she had before, though slightly embarrassed she had just cried on the president’s shoulder.
“Thank you sir,” she said, offering him a small smile. President Bartlet placed a hand on her cheek, using his thumb to wipe a couple stray tears away.
“Anytime sweetheart. Sometimes you need to let go in the comfort of family, reminded of how much you are loved. We’re all here for you, whenever you need us Donna. Just like you’re always there for us.”
Donna smiled gratefully at his kind words and stood up. She knew she needed to be headed home if she wanted to get any sleep in before she had to be back in the morning, but despite feeling better after crying, she still didn’t want to be by herself.
“Now I know you’re going to protest this,” President Bartlet started, standing now too, and Donna looked at him in confusion. “But while we were talking, Abbey was getting it cleared for you to spend the night here. It’s late, you have to be here early tomorrow, and I don’t want you going home by yourself after the emotional night you’ve had.”
“You didn’t have to do that sir. I can make it home,” Donna protested just as he had predicted. Deep down though, she was relieved she didn’t have to go home to a quiet, empty room with no one nearby who understood what had happened.
“I know I didn’t have to, but both Abbey and I would feel better to have you stay here tonight. That way we’re right here if you need anything. We both care about you a lot Donna. She’s also gotten it cleared for Josh to spend the night as well. We see the bond you two have, and I know both of you would feel better with the other close by tonight. I’m sure he’s been hanging outside the door for a little bit now. He knew I was going to have this conversation with you.” Raising his voice a little, he called, “Josh, you can come in now.”
The door opened and Josh stepped into the Oval, immediately looking at Donna with concern. “How are you doing?” he asked, approaching her.
“I’m fine Josh,” she started, but seeing the look he was giving her she added, “I’ve been better, but I’m also feeling better than I did an hour ago. Seriously.” He held eye contact with her for a minute, seeming to search her eyes for anything she wasn’t saying out loud, and then nodded.
“Thank you again sir. And I’m sorry for crying all over you,” Donna said, turning towards President Bartlet.
“No apologies needed. You’re very welcome dear. I’m serious about being family. I’m here anytime you need me. Abbey is too,” he said, enveloping her in another hug and pressing a kiss to her forehead. She hugged him back tightly. “Let’s get you two to the Residence and into bed now.”
Josh put his hand at the small of Donna’s back, a familiar, comforting action, and the three made their way out of the Oval. Though Donna knew the pain from this night would last for a while, she felt many times lighter than she had on the way into the room. Not for the first time and most certainly not for the last, she felt incredibly thankful for the family she had found when she joined the Bartlet campaign.