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Remembering Suguru always incited ugly feelings in Satoru. Guilt and longing usually pooled in his gut, settling there like oil in water.
It wasn’t always like this. There was a time where hearing Suguru’s name made Satoru's heart flutter, a time where he felt absolute satisfaction in the arms of his lover. A time where a smile from him would make Satoru’s brain turn into mush and his kisses turn him into a lovesick puppy.
“You’re so silly, Satoru. Of course I’ll only smile for you.”
But now the man’s memory was tainted by nights of screaming and fighting, misunderstandings piled onto miscommunication.
“Aren’t you tired of this?”
Satoru still treasured their memories together. It would be a bold faced lie to say that he didn't miss the man.
“Don’t think too much of it, Toru. I’ll take care of you.”
He still saw Suguru in the tiniest things. He feels Suguru when he wakes in the morning, pretending to feel the soft kiss at his temple. He sees Suguru in the kitchen, cooking dinner after a hard day at work. He remembers Suguru when he looks deep into the cabinet and sees the man’s customized mug.
“Stop using my mug! I got one for you already!”
Suguru was a part of him, his other half. Which was what made the entire ordeal even more painful.
“I don't think I’ve ever been this happy in someone’s company.”
The day they reached their breaking point was absolutely painful. Satoru closed his eyes and let himself get swept into the memories.
It was a chilly October afternoon. Satoru sat in the cafe near his workplace, waiting for Suguru to come. This was the first time they were talking to each other after the nasty fight they had three nights ago.
It was over Satoru’s nightly habits.
Suguru was a busy man— he always worked overtime and did his best to climb the ladder of hierarchy within their company. He was ambitious and he wanted to be up there so he could work on changing the world according to his views.
Satoru was a lonely person— he craved the warmth of a hug, the touch of lips and the heat of skin. He found gratification in the meeting of two people through intercourse.
Satoru was lonely and he couldn't help but seek someone’s heat.
It was a one time thing under the influence of alcohol. It was a mistake. He was just lonely. Satoru was just lonely.
But Suguru thought otherwise. The man hated the idea of Satoru seeking someone else over the idea of just talking to him. Suguru would’ve stopped taking the overtime if Satoru asked. But he never did. So the man assumed that Satoru was okay with it.
It turns out he wasn’t. One second, they were in front of each other and the next they were screaming.
Frustration slowly turned into anger and eventually the screams escalated. The pair exchanged painful words, etching their differences into one another through knives of insults.
Satoru snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of the cafe’s bell jingling. The familiar scent of Suguru’s spice scent hit his nose, smelling a lot like home.
He missed the man. Three days was long enough and seeing him just made Satoru want to kiss the living daylights out of him.
Suguru just looked at him indifferently, a passive look on his face. “Satoru.” He said, somewhat softly. “You look good.”
Satoru smiled, light pink dusting over his cheeks like a blushing schoolgirl. “Thank you.”
Suguru cleared his throat. “I wanted to talk to you about our relationship.”
Satoru felt his heart beat wildly. The man sounded solemn, as though he was sad about what he was about to say. “What else is there to talk about? Aren’t we here to fix this?” He asked, searching Suguru’s eyes for any sign of an emotion.
The man just looked away and at that moment Satoru’s entire world stopped. “No.” The blue eyed man huffed, grabbing his scarf from the seat and walking away.
Suguru looked at him sadly before following, the pair eventually ending up in a somewhat abandoned street. It was dark and the moon shone brightly, serving as their light.
“Satoru, just wait!” Suguru said, grabbing the man by his arm.
Satoru turned with tears in his eyes. “No!”
“People fall out of love, Satoru. It's completely—”
“I know I made a mistake, Suguru! Please don't leave me! I'm never going to do it again! Please, don't leave me.” Satoru sobbed, furiously wiping his tears away.
“Suguru, please don't leave me.” The white haired man begged repeatedly. “Please Suguru. I don't want to lose you."
Suguru hesitated. "But Satoru... You already have."
Satoru looked up. “How?”
“You lost me the moment you decided to leave the apartment that night.” Suguru answered.
“You wanted me to leave!” Satoru yelled.
“I wanted you to fight for us!” The man retaliated furiously. “I wanted you to fight for us because I thought you would do that! I wanted to see if you loved me as much as I loved you! But you left!”
Satoru looked at the man whose eyes slowly lined with tears. “I wanted you to fight for us.”
“I’m sorry.” Satoru whispered.
“I am too.” Suguru replied after a beat, walking towards his former lover.
He tilted his head upwards and placed a kiss on his forehead. “Maybe in a different time and a different place... Maybe next time, we'll be lucky to find each other and continue where we left off." Suguru said. Then he was gone.
Satoru opened his eyes and was met by the sight of his stark white ceiling.
It still hurt but Suguru was right. Maybe in a different time, they would be luckier.
Satoru turned to the picture of Suguru on his nightstand. “I love you forever, Suguru. Watch me closely from up there, okay?”
With that, he crosses another day off the calendar. That’s day 679 since Geto Suguru died on the night they broke up because of a freak driving accident.