Work Text:
‘Dove?’
fuck.
you should have known better. what with your heart thumping erratically, and your body shaking more you can handle, it’s no wonder he could tell something was wrong.
even with his feathers far away from you, given that he always wants to make sure you’re safe. laying on the nightstand, the couch, and who knows where else.
for all you know, there could be one in the bathroom.
the phone was ringing, so you shut it off.
but he wasn’t going to let up that easy.
on the third call, you picked up, not thinking about how the blood would stain your phone. it hurt your fingers, which were so fucking strained from holding such a tiny razor.
he didn’t know, and you weren’t going to let him.
slowly, as he talks, you put the phone on speaker, and begin to put things away.
‘are you alright?’
‘i’m fine.’ you say, your tears long since dried and stuck to your skin. but, even you can hear how hollow you sound.
‘your heartbeat was really fast for a while. did you have a panic attack?’ he knows about that.
he doesn’t know the slashes on your wrist, leaking blood and making you nauseous even though it was supposed to help you feel better.
he doesn’t know how your feet are lined with scars, covered with years of calluses to hide the way you used to cry as your feet bled.
‘i’m alright.’
‘it doesn’t sound like it, Y/n.’
‘i am.’ you try not to snap, your arm hurting to high hell. wads of toilet paper leave the roll and scrub the floor, everything that it can get up deposited in the toilet to flush once you’re off the call.
as much as it hurts, the razor goes in there as well. you’ll just have to convince him that he lost it, or pray that he doesn’t keep count of them.
‘hmm.’ he says, obviously not happy.
you can’t even find it in yourself to be upset.
‘i’m going to go back to work now, ok? i’ll be home soon.’ rejection, in a sense. it’s funny, how your brain will take the worst of a situation and make you want to crawl into a hole.
but you don’t think about that now.
‘alright. i love you.’
‘love you too.’
the call disconnects, and you quickly scan the room for anything else that would incriminate you.
watching everything go down into the pipes, you decide it’s time to look at the crime itself.
large, bleeding scratches line your skin. slowly, you run it under the tap, making sure to get all of the blood off. when it continues to flow, you can feel your heart rate increasing all over again.
rifling through the drawers, you find antiseptic cream and put as much on that you can bear. quickly putting gauze on, you wrap it up tightly. get everything ready, he’ll probably check.
check for things out of place, that is.
you throw on a hoodie, hiding, just as you always do. you pull it up over your head, not wanting to think about it.
what even caused this?
the news? they always seemed to have something to say about you.
a friend? probably not. you’d weeded out all of the issues long ago.
work is fine. everything is fine.
but you’re not.
everything set you off. too many emotions.
breaking down isn’t an option.
instead, numb them out.
cut them out.
a perfect solution to a perfect crime.
not really.
but what’s done is done.
you allow yourself to sit in the darkness of your room. hopefully he won’t turn on the light. he’ll let you breathe. let you stew in your own emotions, and be there. but remain ignorant.
that’s all you want.
—-
‘Y/n?’
you open your eyes, unsure if you had fallen asleep. you look to the clock that sits by your bed, it’s only three.
‘you’re off work early.’ you can barely keep your eyes open, but you reach out a hand and cup his cheek.
‘i was worried about you, so i called out for the rest of the day.’
something akin to shame bubbles in your chest. you’re taking him away from his job, from what he needs to do.
‘you didn’t have to do that, Kei.’ he takes your hand in his own, and kisses your palm. he looks so upset. because of you.
‘you’re more important to me right now. for forever.’ he motions for you to move over, and you do. he quickly sheds his regalia, leaving just him in his suit and pants. ‘what’s the matter?’ tears come to your eyes, but you’re able to hold them back.
‘nothing’s the matter. i’m fine.’ you’re not being very convincing, and you know that. you wrap your arms around his back, biting back the hiss that nearly escapes you as you move your left arm.
‘what was that?’ he looks at you, his eyes searching yours.
‘my back hurts.’ you lie, knowing that you’re not fooling anyone, not even yourself. you rub his hair between your fingers, careful not to move the rest of your arm. even that movement sends pain to your head, but you continue.
‘Y/n.’ you open your eyes, barely comprehending what’s going on because your arm is beginning to burn. it’s felt bad, but not like this. you do such a good job hiding them. but you haven’t had the urge to, the need to since you’ve been together. ‘what’s the matter?’
‘i’m fine, Kei.’ your voice betrays you, a noticeable crack taking control of it. you begin to take deep breaths, but all they seem to do is make it worse.
the air around you seems to spiral, making it feel like you can’t get your footing, even though you know you’re laying down. everything is moving, making you feel awful. you try to breathe, to get a grip, but it’s not working. everything is failing, you’re failing, you can’t do anything right.
‘Dove, breathe for me, ok?’ he’s moved up onto the bed with you, rubbing your face and cooing a little. just trying to help you.
when he asks you to breathe again, you instead grab onto his chest, desperately clinging onto him. he shushes you a little, running his hand across your hair. you flex your fingers against his chest, everywhere you can reach. trying to regain yourself.
‘sorry.’ you manage to get out, taking a shaking breath in. ‘i didn’t mean to.’
‘didn’t mean to what?’ you shake your head.
‘didn’t mean to.’ you can’t seem to get anything else out.
he hums slightly, rubbing up and down your back. the tears won’t stop, feeling like they’re rubbing your skin raw from where your tear tracks have dried.
your face is so hot. you want to cool down, you press into his skin, your cheek against his chest. you want to breathe, to just calm the fuck down. to take a moment, to stop this awful feeling.
the swirling feeling of anger and hatred, towards yourself and everything around you.
why are you acting so moody? your body seeming to betray you, you take a shaking breath in. trying to calm down, to just regain your senses away from the pain and anguish in your bones.
the guilt that riddles everything you do.
he doesn’t know, he doesn’t deserve that hu—
‘can i see?’ you snap out of it slightly, pulling away from his chest to look into his eyes. he smiles, sadness preventing them from looking like the gold pools they usually do. ‘i’m not going to force you to. your arm is hurting, i want to help, and see if you need medical attention.’
slowly, you move away from him, and sit up. he does so with you, his feathers ruffling.
you play with the bottom of the sleeve, worrying it between your fingers.
‘you don’t have to show me, Angel.’ he says, kissing your forehead. ‘i want to see them eventually, but it doesn’t have to be now. i just want to make sure they won’t get infected.’
‘no.’ you say, shaking your head. you look up to him, eyes still full of tears. ‘how did you know?’
‘hero work comes with a lot of flashy things. but also…. some darker things.’ he kisses you again. his eyes look so sad, making you want to burst into tears again. to beg him to stay, to remind him how much you love him. ‘i used to too, it’s ok.’
you reel slightly.
of course he wouldn’t tell you. you did the same to him. hiding the past isn’t so hard when the majority of it has already been shared.
you know his, he knows yours. it’s fine, you work through it together.
but….
‘you did?’ he nods. you smile weakly, laughing as you grab onto his face. you look him in the eyes. ‘i’m so glad you’re ok.’ he smiles back at you.
‘i thought the only way to get out would be to…. yeah.’ you sniff. ‘but i’m so glad i didn’t, because i got to meet you, my love. so, can i please see?’ nodding one more time, you quickly rip up the sleeve of your hoodie. can't back out, can’t give yourself the option to.
the guilt is overbearing, making you feel like you’re going to fall. you nearly do, but he grabs onto you, leaning against the headboard and pulling you into his lap. he rests your head on his shoulder, your back completely against his chest.
why are you so scared?
‘it’s ok, deep breaths.’ you didn’t even realize you weren’t breathing, so you take a long, deep breath. but you hold it. ‘gotta let go of it too, Angel, otherwise it’s not breathing.’ you nod, and let it go. ‘thank you.’
he slowly takes your arm in his again, humming softly. the vibrations feel nice against your back.
his wings slowly wrap around you, shielding you from peering eyes and awful thoughts. it’s just the two of you in here, safe.
‘can i take off the bandages?’ you feel yourself freeze. ‘you did such a good job of taking care of yourself. you made sure it wouldn’t get hurt more. i do want to look, though. is that ok?’ you nod, turning away. ‘good job, knowing what you can handle.’
you feel the gauze disappear soon behind the tape. it feels disgusting, and you find yourself thrown back into hysterics.
you feel like you can’t breathe all over again.
nothing is right, nothing goes right. you always seem to fuck things up. to get them wrong, to be unable to do anything but mope and cry over your own anger towards yourself.
‘i’m sorry.’ you cry, turning in his grip and forcing your face into his shoulder. to hide, to run, to do anything but be here. ‘i didn’t mean to.’ he shushes you once more, placing a firm hand on your neck and slowly tapping down your spine in an attempt to ground you.
your arms are wrapped around his neck, your battered skin rubbing against his, making you feel awful. you can tell your nails are biting into his shoulders, but he doesn’t seem to care.
‘i know you didn’t, Angel. it’s not your fault. can i look one more time, sweet thing? then i’ll put it away.’ you nod and pull away from him, holding your arm out to him. you look at it this time, your chest tightening.
what the fuck did you do?
it looks inflamed as hell, making your stomach churn. you can see the skin peeling slightly, making you feel worse and worse.
he quickly tilts your head up with a finger under your chin. you look at him.
‘can you fix my hair for me? it’s kinda messy right now.’ you nod, and slowly work your fingers through his hair.
you sit there for a minute, pulling out small knots as you go along. it’s hard one-handed, but it’s ok. you don’t mind it. he’s trying to help.
‘ok, all done. it’s not infected, and you’re not going to need to go the hospital.’ you sigh in almost relief. you don’t want more people knowing. ‘can i get new bandages?’
the thought of him leaving scares you. your brain is desperately trying to convince you he’s not going to come back. sure, he’s seen you much worse off then this.
but never this part. never the raw, unbridled nothingness that compels you to do anything that will make you feel. it doesn’t matter the feeling. as long as there’s something, or better some way to stop everything, that’s fine.
the numbness isn’t always a threat, but sometimes a grace.
how will he react when he leaves? would he tell you at all, or instead just…. disappear?
you grab onto his shoulder, making him startle to look at you. you can feel yourself shake, your mouth dry as hell as you shake your head desperately.
‘feathers instead?’ you nod, and he smiles. ‘i can do that, cutie.’ within a few seconds, everything he needs is in his hands. ‘can i patch you up?’
he cleans it first, pouring hydrogen peroxide on it. the feeling makes you want to cry, grabbing back onto his shoulder as heavy breaths leave you.
‘almost done.’ a small amount of alcohol goes on. you know it’s needed, but you still rip your arm away from him.
it doesn’t feel good. you know it’s going to help, it’s meant to. but, he’s hurting you. he’s not meaning to, but that’s what it feels like.
‘two more spots, then a bandaid.’ you nod, slowly lowering it back to him.
he dresses it, and covers it up, making it impossible to see. he kisses it for good measure, and you begin sobbing all over again.
what good is a Pro Hero that can’t even take care of themselves?
‘it’s ok, i promise. i’m not leaving you. i’m here to stay, pretty thing. i promise.’ you nod, wiping your hand across your disgusting face.
‘i’m sorry.’
‘there’s nothing to be sorry for. i promise you.’ you nod again, grabbing onto him with everything you have. ‘you had a bad day, can we take a nap?’ you nod again, your body trying to calm down. you lay your head on his chest, sniffling still.
‘i’m sorry.’ you say again, trying to breathe. but it’s hard. he’s right in front of you. he doesn’t seem to be leaving.
‘lay low, baby.’ you feel yourself sagging into his chest, almost melding with him. ‘it’s gonna be ok.’ you nod again, your body shaking. ‘what has you so scared?’
‘you’re gonna leave.’ you manage to get out, wiping at your face again. ‘it’s ok if you do. you don’t deserve to have to deal with this. but i’ll be sad. knowing you’re happy is enough, but i’m still scared.’
he sadly smiles. he knows how to handle you. how to keep you from falling too far.
you’d miss him. his laugh, his smile. the way that you’re the only one who means so much to you, who’s seen so many parts of you.
you’d kill to stay with him forever.
‘don’t be scared cutie. you’re not gonna get rid of me that easy.’ you smile, knowing he’s not a liar. ‘i love you so much. nothing is going to keep me from loving you, all of you, now and forever. we’re fine. i promise.’ you nod again, grabbing at his chest.
‘i’m sorry.’ you say again, your vision blurred from the lack of sleep. ‘i’ll do better.’
‘you’re doing perfect now. i’ll make you a deal.’ you look up at him, and he smiles. ‘i’ll call you when i feel like that, and you do the same. sound ok?’
‘you don’t do it anymore, right?’ he shakes his head.
‘sometimes i want to. but i’ve been able to move past it. i’m proud of you for taking care of yourself after, but i’m here to help. you can always call.’ you nod slightly.
‘don’t hurt yourself anymore, Kei. you deserve peace.’
‘and you don’t think the same for yourself?’ slowly, you shake your head. ‘you do. you deserve peace, and love, and everything good. you don’t deserve pain or heartbreak. let me be there to catch the pieces. i’ll polish them up real good for you, and make sure you’re able to use them when you’re ready again.’
‘thank you.’ your voice comes out crackling, like you can’t breathe.
‘of course Angel.’ he kisses your head again. ‘can you get some rest?’ you nod, and settle back in where you’re supposed to be. right next to him, for now and forever.
his soft humming rumbles his chest. the movement feels like a faraway train.
you’re safe, you’re fine.
not free, but not alone.