Work Text:
“I know that I'm 21
But I feel like everyone's losing their heads
And maybe I'm already dead”
Soobin looked at the dark ceiling of his room, some tree branches were swinging with the wind, causing dancing shadows at the wall.
It was almost 3 am, saturday night. He had a meeting with a producer in the morning, that woman wanted to have a face to face talk while changing ideas about the songs he had written. Soobin couldn’t say no, he didn’t want to give a bad impression of himself and he still had his school debt to pay. He needed money. Thus he had to be sleeping by now, the meeting was at ten but his anxiety kept him wide awake.
He never liked leaving his house and be surrounded by people, make an eye contact or talk to them. Sometimes even the closed places felt so open , like everyone was looking at him. It was like he was a bug under the microscope, ready to be experimented on. He was going to be judged, maybe people wouldn’t say it to his face but with each look on himself he knew, they’d judge in their head.
Why couldn’t he just stay in his house, compose his music and sell them without the whole interaction?
He shifted in the bed quickly, taking a deep breath. He was anxious and a little alarmed, it was like everything was going so fast suddenly and he fell behind the life. The walls of his room felt like they were all over him, capturing him and taking all the oxygen out of his lungs. His heart pounded fast, tears filling his eyes. He wanted to shoutout them to stop, he wanted everything to come a halt, give him some time to catch his breath.
His hand found his chest, squeezing his soft, cotton pajama.
It hurt. His lungs were burning, his rib cage getting smaller by the second, pestering his heart. His breaths uneasy, tears already falling.
He dropped his hands on the bed, didn’t know where else to put them. It felt like they were excess, his whole body felt like his own prison.
He threw the duvet out of him, although it was february and he was shivering he took out his pajama shirt too. He didn’t want anything on him, if he could he would scrape off his skin either. Everything on him felt so heavy to carry right now. So tight to breath in.
Breath... Yes, he needs to breath.
Breath in. 1, 2, 3, 4.
Hold it. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.
Breath out. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.
Again .
The panic was almost gone now, his nerves changing to parasympathetic, he was calmer. But not completely fine.
He took his pajama shirt with his shaking hands, wearing it again.
He hated to feel like this, having these attacks out of nowhere. He had been treated, he had taken the pills, the therapies. He should’ve been fine now, like the others said. He should’ve been fixed.
Maybe he was overreacting like some said.
Maybe his mind was so in shreds it couldn’t be collected together again.
Maybe he was flawed since the very beginning.
He didn’t know, he wouldn’t know. But one thing was for sure, he was tired of living like this.
What was this struggling for? It was tiring, so tiring to wake up everyday, move around. It was tiring to breath sometimes, his whole body would ache, fatigue washing over him.
Was there a guarantee that he would be alive tomorrow? Then why bother to make plans for further? There wasn’t a rule that everyone would live until their eighties. He could’ve been dead any time.
Maybe he already was.
“What if I said I can't feel anything?
I wanna be young again
Can I restart to before I was falling apart?”
Soobin missed his childhood, when he didn’t have to worry about anything. When he was happy, when he had the joy of life. When he could find a positive way to look at everything, when life was about candies and cartoons.
He had always been a timid boy, clinging to his safe people around the other people. But he didn’t fear to talk with them, once he was comfortable enough he would become a social butterfly to his mother saying.
He wasn’t like this, he wouldn’t burst into tears after having a conversation with people or he wouldn’t hyperventilate for leaving his house, he wouldn’t feel all tensed up, always alarmed, ready to run.
He was normal, happy back then.
When did he become such a mess?
“Look, Choi’s crying again!” A boy shouted from back of the line, chuckling. A few boys joined him, mocking Soobin. “‘Oh no, I spilled my soup! I should cry like a girl!’ You’re a loser, Choi!”
Soobin lowered his head, the pain on his leg couldn’t be compared to the one inside his chest. He could feel the people’s stare on him, every look piercing through him, some whispering each other. He had never wanted to shrink himself this much before.
“Move, you crybaby! You’re holding the line.” The boy said again. Soobin wanted to move, he really wanted to dash out of the cafeteria and hide in a closet from the stares. But his muscles refused to move even for an inch, his whole body too was tensed to move.
“Yah! You brats, I saw your name tags!” A new voice joined, cutting all the mocking in a second. Footsteps rushed to him, a hand held his shoulder gently and soon a pair of worried eyes entered his sight.
“Bin, are you okay? Did you get burnt?” Yeonjun asked, voice softer than cotton but also full of concern.
Soobin couldn’t find his own voice to speak, he nodded lightly. The worry in the older’s eyes grew bigger and he held the tall boy from his waist. “C’mon.” He whispered as he led the way out, not forgetting to send death glares to who mocked Soobin before.
Feeling Yeonjun’s presence next to him, his warmth surrounding him, Soobin’s muscles relaxed.
It was such a bliss to Soobin to have the older since he was a baby. He didn’t remember how they met or when did they become closer but since he acknowledged himself, Yeonjun was here with him.
He couldn’t be more grateful to God for giving him such an impeccable person even though he didn’t deserve it.
Yeonjun opened the locker room’s door and led Soobin inside, helping him to sit down. His eyes scanned the taller’s body and found the possible burnt area on his leg. His fingers ghosted over the black trousers. His touches were so gentle that Soobin felt like he was fragile.
“Take out your trousers before it sticks to your skin. I’ll give you my sweatpants, ‘kay?” Yeonjun asked softly, like he didn’t want to scare him more. Soobin nodded as the older smiled at him and went to his locker.
Soobin did so, careful not to peel off his skin. Now that he was more aware of the burn, he felt how much it hurt. He didn’t know how but when he was taking the soup from the kitchener his hand slipped and before he knew the hot soup was on his legs.
Yeonjun came back with something on his hands. He sat next to the younger and placed the wet towel on the burnt area, pressing it just enough to cool the skin down.
Soobin watched the older, his brows furrowed and a pout appeared on his puffed lips. His black hairs slightly covering his sharp eyes. His eyes, those beautiful eyes which had stars in them, now full of concern.
Yeonjun took the towel and applied a cream to Soobin’s skin, his fingers almost touching to the aching area. After that, he covered it with a gauze patch and helped the taller to wear the sweatpants without hurting the burn. When he was finished he turned to Soobin who was at the verge of crying. His face dropped with worry again.
“What, what happened? Did I hurt you? Binnie, I’m sorry, does it hurt so much?” He asked, cupping the younger’s face and wiping the fresh tears immediately.
His words only made Soobin to cry more. “W-why aren’t you ma-mad at me?” The younger said, voice getting trapped between hiccups. If his sight wasn’t too blurry he could see the confusion on the older’s face.
“Why should I be mad at you?” Yeonjun asked, gently caressing his face, wiping the tears. “Accidents can happen, Binnie. It wasn’t your fault.” He added.
Soobin shook his head a little but not getting away from the older’s touch. “I should n-not cry over something s-so stu-stupid.” He said, wanting to hide his face, he lowered his head. He couldn’t voice out the real reason why he was crying. He was mad at himself, not being capable of doing such a simple thing such as taking a plate. Why everything he did was blowing up on his face?
Yeonjun lifted his head, looking at his eyes with soft eyes. “Baby, I know you’re not crying because you spilled the soup.” He whispered, taking a few strands off his eyes. There was an understanding smile on his face. “Can you tell me what’s bothering you, please? I don’t like seeing my bunny upset.”
Soobin didn’t know what to say at first, he was surprised, relieved and even more irritated. Surprised because he was the first person who realized it, relieved because it was Yeonjun. Irritated because Soobin didn’t deserve such a precious person.
“H-hyung.” Soobin whispered, words tangling inside his mind, his chest burning with the want to tell but didn’t know how. He was also afraid to bother him. Because Yeonjun too had his own problems, he had got in one of the biggest agencies, finishing his training in three months, getting ready for his debut. Soobin could tell he was tired from the bags under his eyes, he was working hard, practicing to be the top. He already had so much weight on his shoulder and Soobin didn’t want to add more with his insecurities.
“Yes, Binnie? Tell me.” Yeonjun said, caressing his face with so much affection Soobin wanted to melt into a puddle.
How? How in the hell he got to call him his lover? How in the hell someone as perfect as Yeonjun got to love someone as simple as Soobin?
“C-can you please h-hug me?” Soobin asked, he didn’t feel ready to speak his mind yet.
He couldn’t say the older that he was so insecure about him leaving, finding someone so much better than him. He didn’t want to sound needy, he was already a timid boy from the start, clinging to the older whenever they were in public. He was afraid of him to get tired of his antics. The clumsy, clingy boy who didn’t know how to communicate with people. He was everything opposite of the older.
The wallflower with his broken pot, flawed.
Yeonjun didn’t waste any second to wrap his arms around the taller body, he pulled him, holding him tightly but careful not to harm his leg. His hands stroking his hairs, his lips leaving butterfly kisses on his neck.
“Soobin-ah, my love, please always remember I’m not going to leave you.”
His phone dinged on the counter, pulling him off his memories. Soobin turned to look at the message, his sight a little blurry.
“Are you okay, my bun?” Said the message, right above the one’s smiling face who had sent it.
Soobin couldn’t hold the sob that escaped from his mouth, tears falling once again. He didn’t even remember when he had stopped crying.
Yeonjun.
His Yeonjun, the only perfect thing in his messed up life. The person who had stayed with him although he could leave like everyone else. His childhood friend who helped him through his worst years, who held his hand the whole time. Who guided him to the light again, not willing to leave him behind. His lover who gave the best to him.
Yeonjun.
The reason why Soobin kept struggling, why he didn’t give up on everything and run away. The person who felt safe to be with, to rely on. The person who was always there for him, no matter how busy his schedule was.
Yeonjun.
His best friend, his hyung, his lover. His savior, his life, his everything. Soobin couldn’t imagine where he would’ve been if he didn’t have Yeonjun with him.
He slowly took his phone, opened the message. He wanted to type no, he wanted him to come and hold him, caress his hairs and sing him to sleep.
Soobin missed him so much, because of his busy schedule they couldn’t meet for a week, only talking on the phone or a few video calls. He missed his warmth, his scent soothing him. He missed touching his soft skin, giving pecks to his pink lips. He missed Yeonjun so much.
But how could he ask for it? He was an understanding boyfriend, he couldn’t ask him to come when he knew he was tired from all the work on him.
“Binnie, actually I’m at the door right now.” A new message popped up in the chat. Before his brain could process it, his body acted out of habit, leading him to his apartment’s door.
“Maybe I'm weaker than most
Lately, I'm only a ghost”
Soobin threw himself to the older’s warm and safe arms when he opened the door. Little sobs escaping from his mouth without his permission, long fingers clinging to the older’s jacket.
Yeonjun didn’t wait for a second to wrap his arms around his body, securing the tall but fragile boy.
“Oh, love.” Yeonjun murmured softly, his rusky voice resonated in the younger’s ears, the vibrations of his voice easing Soobin’s tense body. “Why didn’t you call me?”
Soobin tightened his grip as the older led him inside, closing the door behind. “D-didn’t want bo-bother, hyung.” Soobin said. Yeonjun caressed his a little wet hair from sweat. He pulled back to look at his puffy, red face. He wiped his tears gently, like always.
Soobin tried to look at him behind his blurry eyes, he was wearing a mask and a binie, only his sharp eyes showing. He couldn’t be sure but it seems like he still had makeup on, the corner of his eyes glittering. He must’ve been coming from a shooting. He was working so hard.
“Baby, you never bother me.” Yeonjun said, his eyes showed so much affection, his voice was so sincere that Soobin wanted to hide from all the love he was getting. He felt selfish, he was always taking, taking and not giving enough.
But how could he? He was weak, so weak... His love towards the older was so big that he didn’t know how, how could he show that as much as Yeonjun? He didn’t know what to do, what to say to explain the fondness he felt.
Yeonjun, his beloved Yeonjun, who was always there for him. Even though he was carrying the weight of being an idol, rushing here and there since his thirteen, getting caught up with his shining life, never left Soobin behind. Never. Not even once he seemed to be fed up with the younger’s weakness, his insecurities, his anxiety.
Soobin really wanted to be okay, just for him. He was trying so hard, but maybe he needed to see a professional again. Maybe he was going to, but right now all he cared was Yeonjun.
“Hyung, let me remove your makeup.” Soobin said, voice more steady. Just a few minutes of feeling the older’s presence was enough for him to breath again. He was fine, as long as Yeonjun was here, he was more than fine.
Yeonjun nodded lightly, his eyes getting smaller with the hidden smile behind his mask. “But let me drop these to the kitchen, hm?” Yeonjun said, lifting two bags on his hand. “I brought snacks for us.”
Soobin smiled, tears not falling anymore. “Thank you.” He said, for everything, he wanted to add but he didn’t. Because he knew Yeonjun already knew that.
After Yeonjun dropped the bags, took off his outfit and changed into his pajamas he had left before, Soobin sat him on his table. He spread the makeup remover on the cotton and leaned to see the older’s face better.
When he accidentally brushed his fingers to Yeonjun’s skin, the older hummed in delight, eyes closing. Soobin smiled to himself, his eyes were burning with all the crying before and his legs still shaking a bit. But he couldn’t feel more relaxed, safer while looking at the idol and seeing his Yeonjun.
“I wish you had studied cosmetology, I would make you my personal makeup artist.” Yeonjun murmured, his breath brushing over the younger’s skin. Soobin giggled at his words as he moved the cotton to remove the glitter. “Your makeup artists are doing such a good job, hyung.” He answered, thinking how breathtaking Yeonjun was whenever he was on TV—or maybe it was just Yeonjun.
“But they aren’t you, Soobin-ah.” Yeonjun said, opening his eyes and causing the younger to stop in case not to harm his eyes. Soobin saw the yearning in the older’s eyes, he wasn’t the only one who missed his lover.
“Last week was like hell.” Yeonjun said, grabbing the younger from his waist and making him sit on his lap. He rested his head on his shoulder, leaving kisses time to time. “I can’t believe I’ve survived without you for a week, my bun.”
Soobin wrapped his arms around his neck, a hand finding the soft locks and caressing them. He should’ve been the one who said that.
“Hyung, we had spent longer times without each other.” Soobin said back, remembering the times they couldn’t meet because their overlapping plans. Those were the times Soobin hated the most.
Yeonjun groaned, probably he was thinking the same. He lifted his head to look at him, a cute pout on his lips. “But they were years ago.” He said. “I’m even more in love with you now.”
Soobin’s lips half parted, wanting to ask the question on his mind but too scared to pull a string. How? He wanted to ask. How can you still look at me like I’m an artwork which’s hidden from the other’s eyes, painted just for you? How can you love me, knowing my worst sides?
“Hyungie, I–“ He started, but didn’t know how to finish. Yeonjun smiled fondly, caressing his cheeks and resting his hand there.
“Soobin-ah, I wouldn’t change you for anything in this world, you know that, right?” He said. “I don’t want anybody else by my side, I don’t want anyone else to see me the way you do. I don’t want to spend my days without you.” His fingers moved to the younger’s brows, then his eyes, causing him to close them.
“I want you to feel okay, be fine with or without me. As much as I want to be your side every second of the day, I can’t. And I want you to feel safe around others too, I want you to be happy, my love.” Soobin felt his lips on his eyelids, his heart fluttering with the contact. After eight years of being together, still the same feeling, even stronger.
“I can’t exactly know what’s going on inside your head but I am here, to fight with them with you, help you, support you.”
“I feel like I'm a nuisance but I'm scared that I might lose myself”
Soobin’s lower lip started to tremble as tears started to come, he slowly opened his eyes. Yeonjun’s eyes was so endearing.
“Again?” Soobin whispered, ashamed of himself. He didn’t understand why he became like this, again. He thought he was fine, everyone thought he was fixed. He couldn’t be like this, again. “I, hyungie, I can’t ask–“
“Finish that sentence and I’ll attack you with my love.” Yeonjun cut him, pressing his thumb to his mouth. But after a second, his hands found his cheeks and wiped his tears. “Yes, Binnie. Again. And again, again, again...” He leaned closer as his voice became a whisper. He gave him a long, full of love, kiss.
Before he pulled back he left a soft kiss on his cheek, too.
Soobin opened his eyes, a little dumbfounded. He never got used to the older’s kisses, always taking his breath away. But Soobin never complained, he liked this kind of breath taking moments.
“I missed your kisses.” Soobin whispered, voice a little shaky, spilling the first words came to his mind. He rested his forehead on the older’s, closing his eyes.
It was always a mess inside, there were so many things going on in there, making it difficult to speak. But with Yeonjun, it was more peaceful, everything about Yeonjun was crystal clear in his mind.
Yeonjun chuckled as he planted another kiss on his nose, then his cheekbone, cheeks and finally on his lips. “I’ve cleared my schedule for five days.” He said, his hands caressing the younger’s waist. “I’m planning to take you on a date after we attend your meeting.”
Soobin opened his eyes, a bit surprised. “You knew?” He asked, he didn’t say the meeting to the older, knowing he would exactly do this. Yeonjun nodded.
“We can go to the chalet or just stay at home and watch movies. What do you want to do, baby?” He asked.
Plans... Plans for five days when Soobin didn’t even think about his morning until Yeonjun came. Plans with Yeonjun... they seemed real.
He didn’t say anything for a moment, pulling back and refreshing the makeup remover. He continued clearing the makeup.
“Chalet doesn’t sound bad.” Soobin said when he finished what he was doing. Being alone with Yeonjun never sounded bad and he needed it, getting away from the rushing life and enjoy the moments with his lover.
Yeonjun smiled as he pulling the taller body to himself, hiding his face to the crook of his neck. Soobin, too, rested his head on his shoulder, closing his eyes. The fatigue slowly rising. “Chalet it is then.” Yeonjun murmured, his lips brushing his skin.
Soobin hummed, his body relaxing more and more each second. He tightened his arms around the older with the little strength he had.
Now that Soobin was freed from the bad feelings choking him, now that he could breath properly, the sleep slowly captured him.
“Hyung.” He whispered slowly. “Can we sleep?”
The last thing he remembered before pulling into the sleep was Yeonjun carrying him to his bed and leaving a kiss on his head, holding him tightly.
“Can I sleep in your bed?”