Work Text:
Langa's POV
No no no... god no... why is it coming back? Why now?
Cold sweat was forming on the inside creases of my trembling palms, my heartbeat speeding up faster than what felt comfortable. The knot inside my chest was tightening with every raspy breath that left my lips, and there was nothing for me to do in order to stop it.
I planted myself on the cold sensation of my bedroom floor, and laid my back against the comfort of my bedside, trying with everything I had to steady my breathing.
It was coming close to half a year of being clean from cutting, yet the thought of it still popped up in my mind at random moments. At some times, they were simple passing thoughts that would prick my heart uneasily, while other times were more abrupt and brutal.
Over the course of those months, these awful thoughts dwindled away for a substantial length of time, thanks to having my Reki beside me when things got rough. He really was the light of my life, and it would pain me if he had to ever see me like this.
The audibility of my heart pumping against my chest ruthlessly was forcing hot tears at the brink of my eyelids. Memories of the feeling that would course through my veins as the stinging dots of red appeared on my skin in a perfect line, cold tears mixing with the dripping crimson.
I let out a tiny sob that was muffled by the neck of my hoodie. Reki's hoodie, really, but that could easily be confused as mine, seeing as I wore his hoodies a lot of the time for comfort.
Why now? What's wrong with me? I was okay just a minute ago- Why-
My whole body shuddered into another round of stifled cries, pulling my knees up to my chin as I made some attempt to control my emotions. Even then, it was more that they took control of me.
It's almost been half a year... I'm okay... I've gone so long without... I can't now...
My thoughts stabbed at my head relentlessly, forcing tears out of my eyes with utter confusion fumbling about my mind. I hated it... god I hated it. Memory after pain filled memory, teardrop after teardrop falling onto my clothing.
My thoughts were so loud, that I hadn't even heard the door to my room open. Only when the figure of a distraught redhead caught my gaze, did I realize that it had been unlocked. "Langa?" The soft voice of my lover met my ears, making my head jolt up to look into his glistening eyes of auburn.
The look of worry plastered in his eyes only grew when I didn't respond. In a matter of moments, Reki was at my side, enveloping my waist in his arms with a tight yet gentle squeeze. I shuddered while the hot pools of salty tears sunk into the shoulder of Reki's soft shirt.
His embrace was one of the few things that could draw me back to myself, and away from lingering thoughts of pain. I loved him so much.. god I would never stop loving him. Reki Kyan was an angel on earth.
My breathing was steadying, little hiccups escaping my throat from bawling as hard as I had. The benevolent voice of Reki, gave a moment's rest to my soul, sending the happy feelings I had lost sight of minutes prior, straight to my heart.
"Langa.. Can you tell me what's the matter babe?" His voice was unceasingly understanding and sincere. Both the pads of his thumbs were on either side of my tear stained face, caressing the glint of it all away. After placing a fervent yet benign kiss to the tip of my blushing nose, he stood up and reached his hands out before me.
Lifting me up from where I had planted myself on the floor, Reki sat me down beside him on the top of my bedsheets, holding the continuous look of concern that filled his gaze. With a tiny curve in his lips, it melted into an encouraging smile, that added to the small squeeze he gave my trembling hand.
"It's- it's- no.. no, it's okay.. I'm fine Reki.. it's okay." I got off of the bed, out of pure fear and having no other thought as to get out of the situation. No matter how loving and genuine Reki was being, I didn't want him to worry.. although, it may have been too late to reverse that.
"Langa.. hey what-"
What am I doing-?
My mind was in a haze, only allowing me to walk a couple steps before I turned back around and let my body collapse into Reki's. I buried my face into the warmth of his stomach, wrapping my arms around his waist as I knelt on the floor. Why would I walk away?
Reki simply held me as best he could, rubbing my back as he let me cry. "Shhh.. It's alright.. Let it out.. I'm here Langa." A few more minutes passed before I lifted my puffy red eyes to meet with his. "Was it.. were you thinking about it again..?" I nodded in response, still avoiding to worry him further.
"I-I'm s-sorry Reki I-" I was cut off by Reki placing his index finger vertically on my lips, then motioned for me to get back up onto the bed to sit beside him.
After I did so, he crawled onto my lap, and let me lower my back to sink against the mattress. Reki quickly situated himself on my waist, looking me in the eyes to make sure I was okay. After these sort of occurrences happened, especially when I was getting through a panic attack, he would do this to calm me down.
Taking my hands in his, entwining our fingers comfortably, Reki leaned forward to place a soft kiss to my lips. "Please don't.. don't say sorry." He ran his hands gently across the sides of my face, before letting his weight fall onto my chest as he nuzzled his nose closer to me.
The two of us stayed that way for a while, our breaths rising and falling quietly, small hiccups escaping my dry throat here and there. At the feeling of my redhead sitting back up, I let my eyelids flutter open to give him a mildly questioning look.
Taking my arm - that was still covered with the tear soaked cloth of my hoodie on it - Reki just held it for a few moments with the lightest touch he found possible, before leaving soft butterfly kisses up both my forearms.
Luckily, Reki knew that I didn't feel all too comfortable with others (even myself at times) seeing the scars, so he made sure to keep them covered up so as to not further upset me. Leaving a final peck to my wrist, he brought his eyes back to mine, his tone at the brink of being angelic. "I'm proud of you Langa.. I'm so so proud of you, y'know that?"
I was about to try and say something, anything, until he continued to speak calmly to me. "I- I can't say I know what you're feeling, or even what you've been through.." Reki pushed a strand of blue behind my ear, as he gradually lowered his head back atop my chest. "..But no matter what happens, I'm here. I'm always here for you, even if all you need is to be held for a bit. I wouldn't mind in the slightest."
Placing a tender kiss to my forehead, he let my grip around his waist tighten, pulling him closer in our embrace. "Please, babe.. never apologize for letting me be there for you.. or for feeling the ways you do sometimes.."
Reki sucked in a sharp breath, collecting his thoughts while he caressed my jawline softly. "I'm uhm.. I'm glad that you came to Japan all that time ago.. and I'm glad I met you.. even get to call you my beautiful husband now!" He chuckled at that, hugging me tighter once more.
"And Langa?" Reki sat up a bit more, cupping my portrait between his comforting palms, while he took yet another chance to share that serene eye contact with me.
"Y-yeah, Reki?" My voice sounded a lot more faint than I intended, but he didn't seem to mind it. "I just want you to know that I'm happy you're alive.. And that, I- I really love you Langa."
He sniffled the tiniest bit, burying his face into the crook of my neck after letting the last few words from his mouth. I rolled over on to my side slowly enough for him to adjust, still clinging to my figure with the same amount of vigor he had before.
Gently pulling his face ever so slightly from my own, I brought our foreheads together, letting my eyes flutter closed to simply take in Reki's cordial presence. "I c-could never even begin to tell you how thankful I- I am for you Reki... You're too perfect to even try to express..." There was nothing fortunate or even remotely simple as to what struggles I held, and of all people, Reki realized that most coherently.
Closing the gap between our lips, Reki brought his hand to my hair to run his fingers through it soothingly. "I love you more than I could ever put into words Reki Hasegawa.. always."