Work Text:
“You know, you don’t have to stay here if you don’t want to.”
Zuko lay on his bed as Katara sat in the chair beside it, water cloaked hands grazing over his bare chest. His skin prickled into gooseflesh wherever she touched.
After the Agni kai, Katara had insisted on staying in the Fire Nation until Zuko's scar was fully healed… or at least as much as was possible for a lightning wound from point blank range.
Katara raised an eyebrow but didn't stop her movements. “Is this you kicking me out, Fire Lord?”
“Katara, you know that’s not what I meant… it's just—” his brow furrowed, struggling to organize his thoughts without putting his foot in his mouth as he so often did around her. “—it’s just that... it's been a while and I don't want to keep you from living your life just because you feel guilty. Besides, I'm really feeling much better lately.”
Katara stopped her ministrations, seamlessly streaming the water into a nearby basin, and he tried not to miss the sensation of her cool healing hands.
“Wow, Zuko.” Her expression soured into some combination of sad, pitying, and frustrated. "I almost don't know where to begin with that. You know I've only been here for a month, right? That's not exactly what I'd call putting my life on hold. Besides, I don't even know what I want to do with my life yet, and this is as good a place as any to figure that out. And spirits, Zuko,” she sighed, “I'm definitely not here out of guilt.” Her voice had a slight strain to it and Zuko was finding it hard not to look away. "You're my friend and I want to take care of you. We both know I'm the only person in the world who has actual experience healing this kind of injury effectively, and believe it or not,” she added, her lips quirking into a smile, “I'm actually enjoying my time here. I can even enjoy the weather and the beaches now that no one's chasing me.” Zuko smiled back a bit sheepishly. “And most importantly...”
She poked him in the center of his chest and the feather-light touch all but took the wind out of him. "Dammit, Katara, what was that for??"
Katara glared in return. “We both know you're not anywhere near well enough to stop treatments. So don't try to start acting like you're feeling better. You're lucky I'm even letting you walk around and go to meetings.”
“Okay, okay, oh wise and mighty healer,” Zuko replied somewhat indignantly. “I get it already.”
Zuko didn't know when his feelings for her grew to something more than platonic, not even if it was before or after the war. One day he happened to notice a fluttering in his gut when she entered the room, but by then it was too late. Every day she stayed in the Fire Nation, his feelings got a little more serious.
And he was already in deep.
“Just stay still and let me do my job, will you?”
“Whatever you say,” he smiled.
Art by Tumbr user @lizanthium
..
“I trusted you!” Tears streamed down Katara's cheeks as she forced her voice out against its wavering pitch.
I'm sorry. He tried to apologize but the words got caught. He could feel a tight lump growing in his throat.
“I guess you made a mistake,” was all that came out and though the voice was his, it was clear he had no control over what words it spoke or their icy tone. He had Katara pinned to a wall, dao swords leaning far too close against her throat. “Certain things you'll never understand. You're just a peasant from a small village of a dying nation. What could you possibly know about anything?”
No! Stop! Katara... I'm sorry… I'm so sorry.
He felt his body move without his consent and resigned himself to watch the rest of the naseauting scene unravel before him.
“Please Zuko, you don't want to do this!” she shrieked as her icy blue eyes began to leak angry, desperate tears. Tears he had caused and could do nothing to stop.
He wanted to scream.
“Katara, you really thought I'd changed, didn’t you?” he could feel the sadistic smile curve his lips. “It truly was far too easy to gain your trust. Now, you might want to pay attention because this is who I really am.” He brandished the swords with skill and let them sink into her neck. “And I think it's time we all stopped pretending I could ever be anything else.” Katara gasped for air as she started to choke and the sound shot ice through his heart. He could feel the bile begin to rise from the pit of his stomach.
“Thank you for trusting me, though,” he taunted, his voice darkened with satisfaction.
..
Zuko woke up in a cold sweat, thanking the spirits that be that he had before the next part of the dream could take place. The dream he'd had every night that week. Though he could still picture exactly how it played out: being forced to watch Katara slip out of consciousness, a lifeless heap before him.
Zuko shivered, resting his head wearily in his hands. There was a dull and persistent throbbing in his chest and his stomach was in knots.
Looking out the window at the sky, he guessed he'd gotten a couple hours of sleep at most. He groaned and tried again, but after a while sans success decided to go over to his office early and review a stack of documents before his meetings in the morning. It didn’t take long for the throbbing in his chest to travel to his head and for the words on his scrolls to blend together into an incoherent mess.
The rest of his day didn't go much better.
The sky was tinged grey with storm clouds and the absence of sunlight seemed to drain away the little energy he had. The meetings he'd been preparing for for ages felt like a free for all. At one of them, he thought absentmindedly that a physical fight could have broken out if he wasn't there to keep the peace. Four out of five went overtime and none of them had gone his way in the end. He was being blocked at every turn. As usual.
The fifth meeting had to be rescheduled because an ambassador had not yet arrived in the Fire Nation. Not such a heinous crime if it weren't for the disrespect of sending word an hour after the meeting was scheduled to begin.
He had come to realize that the Earth Kingdom and Northern Water Tribe would sometimes display such behavior in an act of pettiness. It didn’t happen enough for him to confront anyone about it.
When Zuko finally left his post, he was silently fuming.
He didn't realize he'd forgotten he had a healing session planned until he walked into his room. But there was Katara, sitting next to the bed with a fresh basin of water and a clean set of wrappings. And of course she was so chipper she was practically glowing.
He took a deep breath in and out.
“Katara, I’m sorry, but I had a really long day. Do you think there's a chance we could reschedule just this once?”
"I don't make these appointments arbetrarily, Zuko. I need to keep an eye on the wounds so there isn't an infection."
Zuko tried to push down the violent heat he felt stewing in his gut. None of how he felt was Katara's fault. He knew that. But he still really needed to be alone. He hoped meditating would help.
“Maybe we could meet tomorrow? I'm just really not feeling very well.”
“All the more reason to let me take care of you. Don't worry, I won't take long.” The gentleness in her voice left him without much will to fight back, and he didn’t want to have to explain himself.
“...Okay.”
He lay down on the bed and attempted to relax, but he was brimming with tension from his head to his toes. So he breathed slowly and tried to focus on his inhales and exhales.
But when Katara leaned in and there was a sudden weight on his chest, it was all too much. He was overloaded with pressure, his nerves catching fire, blood rushing through his veins..
And then he saw red.
It was like a film over his vision, translucent but all encompassing. A grisly veil of crimson. Then he heard Azula's voice as clear as a bell.
“I’ll show you lightning.”
“NO!” He could see that Katara was safe by his bedside for now, but Azula's voice only got louder, slowly warping into a stream of crazed laughter. The sound enveloped him whole, a vile ringing echoing through him.
The red grew darker and darker until it was all he could see. All day he had been holding back his rage by a thread, but he could feel it being gnawed away with each wave of shrill cackles.
“Zuko!”
“DON'T HURT HER!”
“ZUKO!”
His blood was boiling as he reached out wildly in a futile effort to find Azula in the strange and terrible darkness.
“Zuko, listen to my voice!! Whatever you're seeing isn't real! Just listen to me. Please!”
He felt a guttural sound, somewhere between a growl and a groan, expel from his throat.
“ZUKO!!”
That's…Katara's voice?
All at once the film slipped away, and he could see her in front of him. She met his gaze but there was something in her eye …fear? ...why? She glanced at his hands and he realized with a start that they were filled with flames, reaching up so high they were tickling the canopy of his bed. He put them out in an instant and closed his eyes and fists, determined to release his energy into harmless exhales.
@mikitheswiftie on tumblr
After a few minutes, he finally opened his eyes.
“Are you alright now?”
“I nearly set my bedroom on fire with both of us in it. Does that sound alright to you?” he snapped and Katara glared at him. He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and focusing harder on his breathing. “I'm sorry, Katara. I just… I didn't exactly want anyone to see me like this.”
He clamped his eyes shut once more, not wanting to shame himself further with the tears he could feel threatening to spill.
“Zuko, has this sort of thing happened a lot? Where you lose track of where you are?”
“Only once or twice...”
“Zuko,” she warned. Why am I such a bad liar?
He sighed and opened his eyes, slowly peeking up at her. “...maybe 15 times since becoming Firelord..”
“It's okay, Zuko. Really. There's nothing to be ashamed about. Episodes like this aren't uncommon after the types of things you've had to face.” Her expression was so soft it somehow made him feel worse. “Let's just keep track of them for now. Write about them as soon as they end and then we can see if there's any patterns. For now, it can help to focus on your senses if you're able to. If you can hear, touch, see; even taste or smell something that's around you. Anything that can bring you back to reality.”
Zuko ducked his head down, avoiding eye contact. Katara was a trained healer and she was being profoundly professional about the situation, but it didn't make him feel any less embarrassed. He just… desperately wished he didn't need so much help.
“It's okay, Zuko. Really. I should have listened when you said you weren't feeling well. Next time, we'll do things at your pace.”
The tears in the corner of his eyes were growing hotter, but he was resolute to keep them from falling. “You were just trying to take care of me. It's not your fault I'm like thi—wait, did you say next time? Katara, I almost set you on fire.”
Katara rolled her eyes. “As if it's the first time. Did you think you could chase me off that easily?”
“I guess not,” Zuko laughed, though the sound was hollow to his own ears. He paused before looking up and holding her gaze. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For not turning your back on me when I’m too stupid to admit I need you.”
Katara smiled that warming smile of hers that was practically sunshine itself. “Of course. I do think maybe I should leave for now. But promise me you'll stay in bed the rest of the night, even if you can’t sleep?” He nodded and she got off the bed and headed toward the door. Then halfway through, she turned around. “I just want you to know that I'm always here for you.”
But he could only manage a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. At least for now you are.
..
A little over a week went by and Zuko found that writing about his episodes was actually calming him down a lot. Not that he'd questioned Katara's healing knowledge. But it had sounded a bit simple, so he hadn't expected to see any results right away. The dreams were still happening, but even they were getting less realistic. One night he was even able to realize he was dreaming and wake himself up. Just the thought that he was actually getting better, that maybe he didn't have to suffer like this forever, was enough to move him forward.
He was in one of the smaller dining rooms, having breakfast with Katara as he often did, and they were talking about something vague and inconsequential when the doors barged open. He briefly wondered when and why the guards had left their posts, but he hardly had time to think as a miserably familiar silhouette slithered toward them.
“Oh Zuzu,” Azula tutted. “Did you really think it was all over? That you could be safe now? Anyone who's close to you will always be in danger. I thought you were at least smart enough to figure that out. Just ask Uncle.” She bared her teeth into a chilling grin. “Though I'm not sure he'll be fit to respond anytime soon.”
“What did you do, Azula?” Zuko growled.
“Look at you, acting all big and strong. I think Zuzu needs to be reminded of just how weak and powerless he actually is.”
Azula moved before he could process what was happening. A glaring jolt of blue lightning shot through her fingertip. Only this time he couldn't stop it. He couldn't move. He couldn't speak. Burning, bitter tears ran down his cheeks. And he was powerless to act against any of it. Azula was right. All he could do was remain there, paralyzed in his seat, as he watched the plasma knock into Katara so hard her feet hovered off the ground.
Then it stopped.
And all at once her body hit the ground in a contorted puddle, no question about the fatality of the wound.
KATARA. He tried to scream, but the words wouldn't come out. His tears blurred his vision and he only glimpsed a faint streak of blue out of the corner of his eye before a familiar pain coursed through his heart and he felt himself grow limp and join Katara on the cold marble floor.
..
Zuko woke up panting roughly, a small plume of fire hovering in his hand as he tried to make sense of his surroundings.
Just a dream.
He sighed. It was closer to midnight than dawn, but he knew there was no getting back to sleep now.
He slipped a tunic on over his sleep pants and let himself meander without a destination. Even then, he soon arrived at the place he'd always felt most comfortable in the palace; the garden his mother had maintained growing up. There, on a stone bench in the middle of the garden, sat Katara. She was focused on the turtleduck pond, gently bending the water into intricate floating shapes without a single excessive movement. Everything about her was so elegant, the way the moonlight illuminated her profile utterly enchanting.
Zuko sighed in relief. Of course he knew in his head she was alive, but seeing her in person still filled him with comfort and he could feel some tension melt off his shoulders as he approached her.
“Katara.” She jumped and turned around sharply. The stream of water she'd been manipulating rushed out in front of her, ready to attack, but she sighed out a breath and led the water back to the pond when she registered his face.
“Zuko. You startled me.” It would have sounded admonishing if there wasn't so much exhaustion in her voice.
Zuko rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, suddenly regretting intruding on what was probably a private moment.
“Sorry about that.” He stood for a few seconds, feeling a bit awkward.
“Umm, mind if I join you?”
“Of course not.” She smiled, but it was offset by the bags under her eyes and the coarseness of her voice.
Zuko sat beside her on the bench and looked out on the pond as she resumed her bending. They remained there for a long while before she broke the comfortable silence
“Couldn't sleep?”
“...Pretty much. You?”
“Same. I've been here a couple hours. I thought doing some focused training would help me. But if anything, being directly under the moon like this just made me more awake.
“Oh. I can leave if you think that'll be better.”
“No!” Zuko could make out a soft blush dusting her cheeks. He might have even read into it if he wasn't so exhausted himself. She cleared her throat. “Umm… I just mean… I don't really want to be alone right now.”
Zuko made a poor attempt at a smile. “Me neither.”
Katara looked at him a bit cautiously before seemingly deciding on something. But before he could wonder what, he felt the warm weight of her head and body against his side.
Zuko stood as still as a deer-possum, desperate not to scare her off, before finally relaxing into the embrace. “Zuko, do you ever have dreams about... what happened?” He knew she meant the Agni Kai. They hadn't talked about it since it happened, and certainly not by name.
Zuko paused for a moment, an easy false answer forming in his head. But he knew he couldn't lie to her. He didn't want to, even if he could.
So instead, he just took a deep breath before replying. “Almost every night.”
She tilted her head up but her weight still rested on his side. “Zuko...”
“But they’ve gotten a lot easier to deal with since I’ve started writing things down.”
“What are they about?”
He sighed. He didn't want to keep anything from her but...
“You.” A few seconds passed in silence and he started to blush. “I mean— Not in a weird way! They’re bad dreams! —Not that dreams with you in them are bad! I just—”
“Zuko, it's okay, I understand.” She looked down at the grass and the tone of her voice turned somber. “I dream about you too.”
She reached for his hand and he let her hold it between them. But when she squeezed it gently, he felt something start to bubble up inside him. A dam he hadn't known was there began to break.
Zuko looked straight ahead of him, the feelings starting to overwhelm. “I keep having to remind myself that you're okay. That you're safe.” He couldn’t stop the words tumbling out his mouth. “But when I wake up from one of those dreams, it really feels like you're gone,” he choked out. “I know you aren't. I know it. But sometimes it feels so real, and I know it’s getting better, but it’s not enough. Nothing is enough if I still have to feel like this. If I have to lose you over and over and over. I feel like I’m going insane. I don’t know what to do.” A rogue tear rolled down his cheek. “I just don't know what to do anymore, Katara.”
Katara wrapped her arms around him tightly and Zuko stiffened up.
“I'm right here, Zuko. I'm right here and we're safe and I'm not gonna let anything happen to you.” Zuko melted into her and let out a shaky breath. “You're okay now. We're both going to be okay.”
After a few minutes locked in the embrace, Zuko suddenly straightened out and shifted away from her.
“I'm so sorry. That was... I didn't really mean to say any of that.” Zuko's voice was hoarse but he tried not to sound as mortified as he felt. He hadn’t wanted to talk about that with anyone. But especially not Katara. He'd basically just confessed to her how damaged he was.
“But I'm glad you did. You're one of my best friends and I don't like to see you hurting. And Zuko, when you bottle things up… when you bottle up that type of pain, it only gets worse. Please don’t feel like you have to keep everything to yourself.”
“But I hate it. I hate how weak I feel.” His voice sounded as small as he felt.
“Oh come on, enough of that. You're not weak by any standard. We've been through so much and we wouldn't have made it if we weren't strong. But that doesn’t mean we don’t need help.” Katara reached for his hand again. “Please remember that you can always talk to me.”
He shifted again and moved just out of reach. His cheeks were on fire and his stomach was doing somersaults. “Umm… thanks, Katara… but I think I'm just gonna go… try to get back to sleep for now.”
“...Oh. Okay then...”
They locked eyes for what felt like a lifetime before he broke contact and shied away, rushing back to his quarters as fast as he could before he could say anything else he could regret. He was feeling too out of control to be around anyone right now.
Back in his room, he really did try to sleep. But all he could do was toss and turn and think about how safe and pleasant it felt to be in Katara’s arms, and wishing he could just stay beside her and talk things out like a normal person.
Wishing he didn’t feel so broken.
..
A few days went by. He hadn't had the courage to talk to Katara about anything serious since that night by the pond, but writing things down was still helping a lot. There was no getting past the bad days, but the good days were looking brighter and becoming more and more frequent.
That's why when he heard screaming from the direction of Katara's room in the middle of the night, the thought of her in danger seemed to strike him even deeper than before.
What was I thinking. He jumped out of bed and threw his doors open. How could I have been so stupid to actually put my guard down.
He banged on the door. “KATARA!” He gave it all of five seconds before he burst through her doors and they quickly slammed shut behind him.
He let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. There she was, sitting upright on the bed.
She was okay.
Zuko walked toward her. “Katara?” She didn't respond.
That's when he took a proper look at her. ‘Okay’ might’ve been an overstatement. Her eyes were glazed over and her face stained with tears. She rocked herself back and forth, her breathing keeping the same fast, erratic pace. She was hyperventilating, growing louder and louder, and it seemed she still wasn’t aware he'd entered the room.
Something twisted inside him. She'd told him she'd had nightmares. Or at least alluded to it. But nothing like this.
Why didn't I ask? Oh yeah. Cause I was too busy thinking about my own problems.
He continued pacing toward her with caution, moving as slowly as he could. He didn't stop talking, hoping not to rattle her any further.
“Hey, Katara... It's just Zuko here... You were having a nightmare... But it wasn't real.” He got to the side of her bed and sat down carefully, but even the pressure of his weight on the bed didn’t cut through her eerie trance. “Katara, you need to wake up.” He was afraid to touch her but was at a loss for what else he could do. When he saw her features contorting in pain, he finally reached out to place a gentle hand on her shoulder.
“GET AWAY FROM ME!” She threw his arm aside and water seemed to appear out of thin air, forming into three small but razor sharp icicles floating less than a centimeter from his throat.
Art by Tumblr user @the-peregrine
“Katara,” he tried to keep his voice calm though he felt anything but. “It’s just me.”
All at once the icicles melted into a small puddle of water on the sheets between them. It looked like she was trying to hold something in, but he could see her break even as she desperately covered her face with her hands. She let out a choked sob. It was a foul, splintered sound, and he felt his heart ache as her tears began to flood freely.
“I'm so sorry, Katara. I just needed to make sure you're okay. I didn't mean to make it worse.” She was still looking away. “I'm so sorry. I'm gonna leave you alone now.” He made a move to get up.
“Wait,” he could barely make out her soft, garbled voice. “Please don't go.” She was looking at him now and the ache he'd felt before amplified. This was Katara. A warrior, a master bender, one of the fiercest people he knew. He'd never heard her sound so fragile. “Please don't leave me alone.”
“Of course not… just… whatever you need, okay?”
She looked at him searchingly before she nodded and lay down again. He followed her action, situating himself so he was next to her over the sheets.
Katara found his hand.
“Please stay with me. Just for a little while.” His heart ached again, but in a different spot this time. He clasped their fingers together, gentle but firm.
“Of course. I’m always here for you.”
He meant it.
..
Zuko awoke to an aching back and a numb left arm. He realized he'd fallen asleep leaning oddly against Katara's wooden headboard. He looked out the window and the sun was already in the sky.
I actually slept through the night… OH SHIT. I slept through the night.
He looked down and saw Katara had shifted in her sleep and was currently using his forearm as a pillow.
“Katara.” She mumbled something in her sleep. “Katara, you need to get up.” She opened her eyes a little but didn't move her head.
“No… Comfy… Why do I have to move?”
“Well, I'm eventually gonna need my arm back.”
If Katara wasn’t awake before, she certainly was now. She sat up.
“I’m sorry,” her eyes widened. “I didn’t mean to keep you here.”
“Katara, it's fine, really. I just woke up too. It's just that I better go before someone sees me.” Katara looked at him and he could pinpoint the moment she realized that he was in nothing but his night clothes... and that they had just spent the night together... alone in her room.
“Shit.”
"Exactly.”
“You should probably—”
“I'm just gonna—”
They smiled at each other briefly before Zuko snuck out through the window, pulling himself up to the roof, and headed back to his room. The ache in his back returned at that, but really all he could think about was the way Katara's hair had shone when it caught the sun.
..
The whole day felt like a dream. He was feeling more confident than he had since becoming fire lord. A good night's sleep had literally done wonders. He even managed to end most of his meetings on time.
And the icing on the cake: he had a healing session scheduled with Katara. Just the thought of spending extra time with her kept a smile on his face as he worked.
He didn't even think about the possibility of it being awkward until he walked into his room and noticed Katara actively avoiding eye contact. He tried to think of whether he'd done something weird… besides sleeping over in her bed. But she'd wanted him to... Right? . .right?? ..Oh my god.. She was half asleep and I practically invited myself in and—
“Zuko?”
“Yes?”
“I was trying to get your attention.” She looked away again. “You should get on the bed.”
“Oh… right...”
He lay down on his bed and proceeded to live out the longest 15 minutes of his life.
They'd had comfortable silences before. He knew what that felt like. This was not it.
When he could tell she was almost done, he panicked. He didn’t want her to go. He hadn’t been able to sleep through the night since the Agni Kai and after last night he'd felt like he was walking on air all day. If he could make it happen again, it might even be worth the awkwardness. Besides, if she already hated him, he had nothing to lose. And if not, well..
“Do you wanna stay here tonight?”
“What?” Katara looked utterly shocked and he could feel the color draining from his face.
He backtracked. “I just meant, I mean, like yesterday?...It's just… I slept really well next to you...?”
was looking straight through him. As if she could see everything he was in a moment. Then her blush darkened.
“That’s probably not a good idea.” His chest fell and he tried not to look as disappointed as he felt. “There’s too many guards.”
“Huh?”
“I just mean… maybe you could come over and leave in the morning again instead? I’m great in a fight but I've got nothing on you with stealth.”
She was acting like there was nothing wrong. Well, far be it from him to question a good thing.
“Umm. I don't know what time you usually go to bed,” he replied lamely. It was probably an hour or two before midnight.
“Oh! Right. I guess around now. Just give me enough time to change?”
“Uh, yeah. Sounds good,” his voice came out in a much higher pitch than he’d intended.
Wow, could you be any more awkward?
Katara left and Zuko stared at the ceiling. He tried to read but couldn't concentrate at all. He tried to think about how long he should give her to change into bedclothes and then he tried even harder not to think of what that entailed.
Eventually, he decided enough time had passed and made his way to her room.
Zuko gulped. He hadn't really noticed what she was wearing yesterday with all the fuss. He knew she slept in her wrappings. It's not like he hadn't seen her in them before. This wasn't a big deal. It's what she wore most of the time when they went swimming at Ember Island. This wasn't a big deal. They'd slept together yesterday and it had been peaceful and easy, so why would it be any different tonight? This wasn't a big deal. This was not a big deal.
She got in on the other side of the bed and slid under the covers. He got on the bed next to her, but stayed over them. Unfortunately for him, a breeze came in at that moment, causing him to shiver quite visibly.
“Zuko, what are you doing?”
“I just… don't need a blanket. I can keep myself warm.”
“So you're gonna firebend while you're sleeping?” Katara huffed. “Zuko, you’re still healing from a serious injury. The last thing you need right now is a cold. Please don't be ridiculous.”
Zuko sighed. He couldn’t exactly argue with that. Especially not coming from his healer.
“Alright, alright.”
He let himself be covered and Okay, this is definitely different. He could feel her body heat as she turned to face him, suddenly very aware of how close they were to each other.
Maybe this was a somewhat big deal.
But that was okay. He could just tell her that his scar was hurting or something and that it would be easier for him in his own bed because sneaking out would be too strenuous. Katara might guess he was lying, it only ever really bothered him nowadays when it was touched, but maybe she would be kind and not call him on his bluff and—
“Zuko?” She was looking at him. Her features were illuminated, her eyes sparkling sapphires in the moonlight. Absolutely mesmerizing.
“Yes?” She reached for his hand and he hoped there wasn't enough light to show the pink heat crawling up his cheeks.
“Thank you for staying with me again.”
“I wanted to.” That much is true.
“If I, umm… if I start shaking, can you wake me up?”
Zuko squeezed her hand and suddenly nothing else mattered. He could do this. This was his friend who needed him and he could do this.
“Of course.”
He tried to settle down but something kept squirming inside him and he knew he had to ask. "Why didn't you tell me?”
“I did,” she said. But the sheepish look on her face told him she knew what he meant.
“You didn't tell me they were this bad. Are you even sleeping at all?”
Her expression darkened, the bags under her eyes catching light from the moon.
She paused before looking down, “I try not to if I can help it. Usually I can last around three days. Four if I'm lucky.”
“Four days?!”
“Well it's either that or what you had to see yesterday!” There were tears welling up in her eyes and Zuko immediately regretted the harshness of his voice.
“I'm sorry.” He let his right hand meet his left on top of hers and gave another gentle squeeze. “Are they all about the Agni Kai?”
"Sometimes it's about Aang. About him not being able to go up against your father. But it's usually about you.” She paused for a moment before continuing in a much smaller voice, “..about not being able to save you.”
“But you slept alright last night?”
Katara blushed slightly but nodded and he smiled back. “I did too. For the first time in a long time.”
"I still kind of hate that you saw me when I was such a mess.” Tears started prickling at her eyes and she was starting to shake as she blinked them away. “I'm such an awful mess lately.” She turned her chin away, but he caught her cheek in his hand and moved it back to face him.
Art by Tumbr user @lizanthium
"You are so strong, Katara. You always have been,” his voice was thick with emotion. “But you need to realize you're not alone. I need you to understand that I'm here for you whenever you need. You're allowed to be a mess around me, okay?”
She squeezed his hand back, a ghost of a smile on her lips. “Okay.”
..
“...Zuko…..Zuko……..Zuko, it’s morning.”
Zuko opened his eyes. Another easy night. He had worried for nothing.
“Good morning,” he smiled, lazily.
She grinned back. “Good morning.
“I guess I have to go now,” he groaned softly.
“I guess.” She looked back sympathetically. It didn't seem like she wanted him to leave yet either. “But you can come back tonight… if you want to, that is.” There was a slight blush dusting her cheeks and it made his heart clench. This was a bad idea. One time could be explained away. Twice could be considered a fluke. But three times? Three times was a habit. He should probably say no. The smart thing would be to say—
“I want to.” But I’m an idiot…What else is new?
“Okay, good.” She looked so lovely when she blushed. “So, I’ll see you tonight.”
They shared one last smile before he was once again slipping out her window.
----
A week went by and Katara and Zuko fell into a routine. Sometimes the nightmares still came, but they got used to waking each other up and most of the time could even fall back asleep afterwards.
Art by Tumblr user @proserpinabringerofdeath
Zuko couldn't remember what it felt like sleeping without her, without sharing her warmth as the steady sound of her breathing lulled him to sleep.
“So, I’ve heard some interesting rumors floating around the palace lately.”
Zuko was currently playing a very one sided game of Pai Sho in the otherwise deserted palace courtyard.
“Uncle, you know better than to rely on gossip,” Zuko chided. “What outrageous lies are people spewing this time?”
Iroh shot his nephew a look before responding carefully, “That the Firelord has made a habit of spending his evenings with a certain waterbender.”
"Oh."
Iroh sighed. “So they're true.”
“No! I mean yes, but not like that!— I mean we sleep together. But that's it.”
Iroh’s eyebrows shot up. “You sleep together?”
“No… I mean, yes… ugh, I mean, we only sleep.” Zuko’s face turned a color that would put a tomato to shame.
Iroh sighed even deeper.
“I swear I'm telling the truth, Uncle, I would never just—“
“Nephew, it isn’t that I don’t believe you.”
“...then what is it?”
“Well, it seems to me you have feelings for Master Katara that she isn’t aware of.” Zuko looked down at the ground, suddenly very interested in a polished stone that had made its way into the courtyard’s mixed gravel. “When are you planning to tell her?”
“I'm not planning to tell her at all,” Zuko scoffed. “She's my best friend. And we… we need each other right now.”
"Many love stories are born from powerful friendships."
"Uncle, she's letting me into her bed. She doesn't even see me as a man.”
Iroh sighed again, deeper, as he placed a rose tile in the center of the board. Zuko could swear he was being purposefully dramatic.
“Would you stop that?” he snapped.
“I just hope you know that you're playing a very dangerous game."
Zuko looked down at the board again and let out a huff when he realized he'd just lost.
“I know.”
..
Zuko woke up the next morning at around dawn and saw Katara still asleep, as usual. After the first few nights beside her, he found himself back in the habit of rising with the sun.
The soft coils of her hair were glowing in the sunlight, forging a halo on her pillow. She really was no less than an angel in his eyes. He couldn’t believe he was waking up everyday next to someone so amazing.
‘But you’re not. Not really,’ a voice in his head reminded him. ‘She might be next to you, but she's not yours. "
He felt a sharp pain in his chest, because the voice was right.
He was just playing pretend.
..
Zuko spent the rest of the day in a daze. He cancelled the meetings he could get away with and just did his best not to have some sort of meltdown in the middle of the ones he couldn't.
When the sky turned dark, he went to Katara’s room as usual. He knew he should probably make some kind of excuse to get out of it, but he had no clue what he'd even say.
He knew he had gotten too comfortable with the situation, but being made aware of how it looked from a third party was really making him lose it. He knew objectively that it was weird to act like this with a friend. But he’d been able to ignore that because of how good it was for both of them to actually get some healthy sleep. Now though, he was too conscious of the fact that he probably would have used any excuse to continue sleeping alongside her.
But she was letting him be there for her in such an intimate way and he didn’t even know what it meant to her. And if there was any chance of her sharing his feelings, well, just thinking about it was starting to drive him completely insane.
He didn't sleep that night. He felt far too guilty about his feelings to let himself rest. Finally morning came and Katara started to stir. She opened her eyes, smiling at him warmly.
“Katara?”
“Yes, Zuko?” Why did her voice have to be so sweet?
“We need to talk.”
She furrowed her brow. “Is something wrong?” A few seconds went by. “Did I do something?”
“No… yes? ...I don’t know."
“You don’t know?” she said flatly.
“Katara, what are we doing?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean this. We're… we’re sleeping in the same bed every night.”
“Yes. And your point is? We used to sleep together on Appa...Are you afraid of what other people might think?”
“I don't care about other people, Katara,” his voice came out harsher than he’d intended. “But you have to know that this is different than when we were on the run… this isn't what friends do.”
Katara just looked confused. “This is exactly what friends do. Being there for each other when we're needed.”
Zuko felt his heart breaking. Of course it didn’t mean anything special to her. Katara just wanted someone to comfort her and he just happened to be there. They were friends. He didn't know what he'd expected.
“...I guess you're right.” There was a stabbing pain in his chest.
“Is everything okay, Zuko?”
“Yeah… Yeah, everything is fine.” He looked out the window at the sun rising. “But I should go now.” Before she could respond, he was hauling himself out the window.
He took the long way back to his room. He didn't really care if anyone saw him at this point. There was already gossip according to Uncle, so he dragged his feet and eventually ended up in the garden.
Zuko turned to a turtleduck wandering alone on the grass and let it crawl into his hand.
“You know, you should never fall in love,” he lectured the fluffy creature as if it could understand. “It hurts way too much to be worth it. Trust me.”
“Quak!”
“That's right. Good boy.”
..
Sleep continued to elude Zuko for the next two nights. Lucky for him, Katara didn’t really seem to notice.
He kept trying, but he couldn’t get comfortable. He couldn’t stop thinking about how much he wanted this arrangement to stop. And how he was too weak to do anything about it. Then he thought about how easy it would be to just screw it all and lean in and kiss her. And how it was wrong of him to think that way when she was trusting him in such a profound way... But how it wasn’t really his fault because he was only human and he was sleeping next to the most beautiful girl in the world in nothing but her bed clothes. And how Sokka would probably beat him up if he knew about this. And how eventually his advisors were gonna catch wind of this and have a field day. And how he’d be utterly useless in the morning if this continued...
..
On the fourth night, Zuko felt like he was falling apart. The lack of sleep had him running on fumes and stumbling through his appointments.
Laying next to Katara, so close and yet still so completely out of reach was starting to feel like a special type of torture. He knew he needed to put an end to this soon.
Zuko slid out of bed as quietly as he could, making his way to the window.
“Zuko? Where are you going?”
Dammit.
“I just needed some air.”
“Mind if I join you?” she smiled, somewhat sheepishly. “There's a full moon out and I'm finding it a little hard to get to sleep.”
“I don't think that's such a good idea.” He dug his nails into his palm.
“Oh... okay, well, enjoy your walk. I'll see you later.”
This was it. He had to say something. “Actually, I was thinking I would head to my room afterward.”
Katara was quiet for a moment, then frowned, “Zuko, if there's something bothering you, you know you can tell me. You can tell me anything.”
“I just don’t think I can do this anymore. I’m sorry.”
“Zuko, if I’ve made you uncomfortable somehow—“
“Katara, could you just think about this for one minute?” Katara fell silent at the desperation in his voice. “For just one minute, could you think about what this is like for me? I know you want someone to comfort you. And I tried to be there for you, I really did. But I don’t care how you try to frame it, this isn’t normal. This isn’t how friends act. At least not for me. I can’t sleep with you this close to me. I can’t— I just can’t.”
“Zuko, wait!“ she called out to him. But he flew out the window in a flash, leaving a cold breeze blowing through her window.
..
His day had been rough, and he couldn't stop thinking about Katara, but he'd at least been able to get an hour of sleep in his own room. Later that evening he heard a knock on his door. He opened the door, not hiding his surprise at seeing her face.
“I… I didn’t think you’d come today.”
“Well, that was stupid of you. I can’t just stop our healing sessions because you’re acting like a child.”
“ I’m the one acting like a child?!”
“Yes, you are!” She anchored her hands on her hips, standing her ground. “You're the one who just walked out in the middle of an important conversation!"
"Well at least I'm not the one acting like we’re still kids. You’re too close to me. I don’t care if you still see me as a child. I’m a man, whether you want to admit it or not.”
“What does that even mean? I-I know you’re a man,” she coughed out, blushing slightly.
Zuko couldn’t take it. He stepped toward her, backing her against a wall. He could practically feel her body heat rising as he invaded her space. “Do you, Katara?” His hand found her cheek and he stroked it gently with as much feeling as he could. “Do you, really?” His eyes found hers and he tried to convey everything he couldn’t find the words to express. She let out a shaky breath and he dropped his hand
"Oh."
“Yeah… oh, ” he echoed her, mockingly, as he backed away. “Now, if you finally get it, can you please just leave me alone? We can do healing tomorrow but I need time to myself to try to get over my feelings.”
“Your feelings...?”
“Yes, my feelings,” Zuko replied miserably.
“About me ?
“Are you doing this on purpose? Because, I’m sorry, but I can’t control how I feel. I don’t want to ruin our friendship but you can’t exactly help it when you fall in love. I’ll try to get over it but I can’t just turn it off.”
“You love me? ”
He clenched his teeth and made to turn away until he felt a hand on his shoulder.
“Please, wait.”
Katara met his eyes, leaning in toward him just slowly enough for him to pull away. He could feel her warming breath on his lips as she stood on her tiptoes and leaned in.
Zuko could feel his heart thumping out of his chest as her lips met his. Soft and sweet and everything he’d wanted for a very long time. His right hand found her cheek once more while the other wrapped around her waist and pulled her body into his completely.
Katara gave a little hum that had him reeling, but also brought him back to reality. He stopped, leaning his forehead against hers and trying to steady his breaths.
“Wait. Katara, I need to know what this means to you.”
Katara pulled away to look into his eyes and brushed a falling piece of hair behind his ear.
She took a moment to think before finally responding. “It means... it means that no one else makes me feel like I’m at peace the way you do. And it means that you've become the closest person to me in such a short amount of time that sometimes it makes my head spin. It means that… that I wanted to ignore that I wasn’t treating you like a normal friend because, well, because I wanted to be closer to you but I didn’t want to risk anything. Because you’re so… you mean so much to me, Zuko.”
Zuko didn't waste another second, closing the gap between them. His lips met hers again, this time moving fervently in some effort to express the way he felt in that moment. His feelings for her had always been beyond words. She opened her mouth with a sigh and he moved in further, meeting her heat with his own. When they finally pulled away, panting slightly, there was a twinkle in her eye he hadn't known he'd been longing for.
“It means I love you too."