Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Go find the thief that’s been stealing from us!” The Dark Lord said. 

“It’s easy!” He said.

“You’re a Barbarian! Just slice and dice him!” He said. 

But now? 

Tweek was trapped. And the bigger problem? Tweek was now caught in a net about six feet off the ground. The biggest problem of them all? His weapons were six feet below him on the ground. 

“Okay...okay-just- nng -okay.” He spoke out loud as he moved, trying to steady himself within the net so he could try and reach up and untie it. Due to the awkward position he was in, it didn’t seem like that was happening. He tried-he really did-but Tweek let out a groan of frustration after five minutes of trying before falling against the net.

“I commend your efforts.” 

Tweek’s ears perked up at the voice, head turning to look towards where it came from. A man stood there, blue eyes staring up at Tweek. He wore a blue hat, what seemed to be a brown turtleneck that he paired with a darker brown cape, and he had an assortment of items on his belt. Opening his mouth to speak, Tweek paused. He took a moment to reexamine the man in front of him, eyes narrowing as he turned a bit in the net to face him better.

“Why do I have the feeling you’re the thief that’s been stealing from us?” 

The accused thief feigned hurt, hand over his chest as he took a few steps forward. 

“Bold of you to accuse me of such a thing, barbarian .” 

“Hey, at least you know I’m a barbarian!” Tweek retorted. “Besides, I was given a vague description of this supposed thief and this hat-!” He tried to grab the blue chullo off his head, the thief taking one step backwards so Tweek missed. “Is the key indicator to your description!” 

The thief snorted, ducking down to look at the weapons sprawled on the ground. 

“Still, to accuse me of such a thing like thievery? A little harsh, dont’cha think?” The thief held up Tweek’s bow, eyebrow quirked as he looked up at him. 

“Wh- NO! Don’t take that! Please!” Tweek’s chest was pressed against the rope net now, arm waving wildly as he tried to reach the man beneath him.

“Why not? What if I like it?”

“It’s mine! My mom made it for me!” The blonde wailed, face turning red with frustration. 

“She’s handy...tell her she did a good job.” 

“I will not because you won’t take it! I won’t let you!” 

The thief looked around, as if looking for someone, before looking back up at the blonde. 

“I don’t know who’s stopping me, Blondie, but it sure as hell isn’t going to be you. You’re up there-” He pointed up towards Tweek. “And I’m down here, in case you haven’t noticed.” He pointed to the ground, a proud smirk on his lips. Puffing his cheeks out, Tweek whined in his throat as he shifted once more, now on his knees in the rope net. 

“What’s your name?!”

“There’s no fun in telling you.”

“I’m Tweek.” 

The thief blinked, looking up at the blonde in his trap. He didn’t expect him to say his name, nor did he expect him to have such pleading eyes boring directly into him. 

“...Fine...Feldspar.” 

A pang of remorse hit the thief like a sack of bricks, swearing under his breath as he glanced at the bow in his hand. 

“Feldspar, huh?” Tweek tilted his head a bit to the side, curiosity often getting the better of him. Feldspar scoffed, rolling his eyes as he made a decision. 

“It’s not my real name, obviously. But you’ll never get my real name.” He muttered, moving over towards the tree Tweek hung from. 

“Where are you- AUGH !” Just as quickly as he spoke, Tweek fell from the net trapping him as Feldspar released the rope keeping him in place. The net-along with Tweek-were sprawled across the ground with his weapons by his feet. “Ow!” Tweek coughed, the dust settling around him as he pushed himself up onto the palms of his hands. A hand was under his chin, Tweek looking up into the blue eyes of the man that trapped him. 

“I’ll give you your bow, but I’ve stolen something else instead.” 

Tweek blinked as he felt his eyebrows furrow. 

“What?! What did you-?!” 

Feldspar cut him off, light kiss being pressed to his lips. His body tensed, but-unable to help himself-Tweek allowed every muscle in his body to relax as his eyes fluttered shut. Feldspar’s eyes were shut, so why wouldn’t he shut his? He heard a sigh, but Tweek couldn’t figure out if it was from him or the man kissing him. Just as soon as it started it ended, Tweek gasping as the lips on his disappeared. By the time his eyes were open, he was alone once more. Despite the fact he didn’t get the stolen items back, Tweek decided to start heading back to the village once he collected himself. 

His mission seemed successful, after all. 

“Easy fella, you’re okay.”

It’s been a week since his run in with the elusive Feldspar, and Tweek hasn’t stopped thinking about him. On days where the Dark Lord didn’t have something-or someone-for him to look for, Tweek found himself roaming the woods on his horse in search for the thief that got away. Sure, it wasn’t like a barbarian to fall so easily for the tricks that a thief pulled on him, but this trick?

This trick left his lips tingling and heart hammering against his ribcage. 

He had just gotten back from another ride through the woods and the sun was beginning to descend towards the horizon line. As he scratched his horses back, Tweek found himself smiling as the horse made soft little sounds of approval. 

“Got a healthy horse there.” 

The voice made Tweek’s smile spread a little more, stomach flipping as he made sure to wipe the smile off his face before turning to face Feldspar. He sat in the barn window, leaning against the window frame as if he was getting ready to watch the sunset. 

“How’d you get into the village?”

“Your guards aren’t that observant.” His nose scrunched as he spoke Tweek noticed, the sight somewhat adorable to say the least. 

“Well... yeah .” He was right. They weren’t. 

“If your boss asks,” Feldspar turned to look at Tweek. “He’s just not observant and all the missing items have been there the entire time.” 

Tweek blinked, furrowing his eyebrows. “What do you-?” But he realized what he meant once Feldspar raised an eyebrow and smirked at him. “ Oh .” 

He returned the items. 

“He’s...interesting, that Dark Lord.” 

Tweek let out a laugh, shutting the door to the horse’s stall. “He’s a nice guy despite his namesake.” 

“Wouldn’t know. I’ve never been here.” 

“I thought most people stemmed from one of the four villages in the region?” 

Feldspar chuckled, giving a nod. 

“I hail from the North, but I’ve never been here except to steal.” 

Tweek tilted his head a bit, narrowing his eyes at the thief. 

“Why are you here then? You’ve returned the items, right?” 

“Mhm.”

“So why are you still here then?” 

Feldspar said nothing as he swung his legs over the ledge, staring Tweek in the eyes. They still said nothing as he jumped down into the barn with Tweek. 

“...I wanted to check up on you.”

This was a surprise. 

“Why? I’m a barbarian, I can fend for myself.” 

“Are you sure?”

Tweek blinked, feeling his face flush with insecurity. 

“Yes! You’ve never fought me, so how would you know?!” 

Feldspar laughed. “So fight me.”

“What?” A pause. “Right here?!” 

“Yeah,” A training sword was passed to him, Tweek’s eyes narrowing as he realized Feldspar must’ve stolen these on his way over here from the knight’s quarters. “Right here.” Without much of a warning, Feldspar lunged forward after he finished speaking. Tweek knew better, however. He had been on guard as soon as the word ‘ fight ’ hit his ears. He narrowly escaped his advance, but he countered it by pushing him away by using the flat of the wooden sword as a stand in shield. 

“Are you crazy?!” Tweek wailed, Feldspar shaking his hand from side to side as his palm faced the ground.

“A little.” 

Another advance, this one actually catching Tweek by surprise as he stumbled away from it. If this was how Feldspar was going to play, then Tweek would play dirty, too. They sparred for a while back and forth, Tweek actually enjoying himself as time went on. Feldspar was a good opponent, but he was also easy to fool. 

“You know, I stole something from you now.” Tweek said after he made Feldspar nearly tumble to the ground. This seemed to have flabbergasted the thief. 

“You-you what?!” 

Tweek grinned, both men circling each other now as if waiting for the next move. 

“You heard me!”

“When-how did you steal something from me?! I’m the greatest thief there is!”

“Not that great now are we?” Tweek teased, Feldspar dropping the wooden sword to his side.

“I’m serious. When did you-?”

Tweek grinned as he cut him off. “While your back was turned a moment ago.” 

Feldspar straightened his back as his eyes remained wide, letting the wooden sword drop from his hand as he started to pat down his sides, front, and back. 

“Nothing is-!” 

Oh .

Feldspar couldn’t help but gasp a bit as lips pressed against his, the barbarian on his tiptoes to reach that high. He was a short barbarian, but a feisty one nonetheless. Feldspar couldn’t help but laugh into the gentle kiss as the wooden sword still in Tweek’s hand clattered to the ground, the blonde taking a step closer as Feldspar cupped his face lightly with his hand. It stayed gentle, the kiss making every hair on Feldspar’s body stand on end as sparks danced up his spine. And as Tweek pulled his lips back, Feldspar couldn’t help but smile as he saw that Tweek’s face also had a big smile sprawled across it. 

“Gotcha.” Tweek laughed, adjusting Feldspar’s cape as he noticed it’s askew position. Must’ve happened during their little skirmish. 

“And what exactly do you have?”

“Now we’re even.”

Feldspar hummed in his throat. “Even in what way?”

“You took a kiss from me, so now I took a kiss from you.” Tweek explained as he picked up the wooden swords. 

“Oh no no,” Feldspar couldn’t stop the smile that seemed to be stuck on his face. “That just won’t do.”

“What do you mean?” Tweek said. “You took one .” A hand rested gently on Tweek’s hip, the barbarian looking down at it before back up at Feldspar’s face. Another kiss was pressed to his lips, a laugh from the barbarian muffled by the connection. 

This was silly!

He was a barbarian!

He shouldn’t be falling for such foolishness as this!

… But Feldspar had soft lips. 

And his hands were warm against Tweek’s side as he tilted his head slightly to get closer. Tweek suddenly tugged his lips away before staring at the thief, eyes narrowing. 

“And now I’ve taken two.” Feldspar murmured, Tweek whining in his throat.

“That’s not fair!”

Feldspar rolled his eyes. “Oh noooo. Whatever will you do, Tweek?” 

The way his name rolled off his tongue made Tweek blush, but he couldn’t seem to stop smiling. 

Not only was Feldspar stealing kisses , but he was stealing happiness as well!

“Guess we just… have to get even again, Feldspar.”

The thief made a split second decision, brushing his nose past the blonde’s as he spoke.

“Craig.”

Tweek blinked, fists curling into the fabric of Feldspar’s cape. 

“Huh?” 

When Feldspar says to someone ‘ You’ll never know my real name ’, he means it. But when Feldspar meets a cute blonde barbarian in the woods that just so happens to be a good kisser?

He can make an exception. 

“My real name is Craig.” 

And he knew it was a good exception to make the moment Tweek’s eyes lit up at the sound of his name. 

“Well… in that case… hello Craig.”