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i.
Her connection to the world came through blood.
Not the sort that was spilled, necessarily. But the sort that pounded through a person’s veins, rushing to and from their heart, insistently announcing the existence of life to all who were blessed with a gift such as hers.
From the very beginning, the first thing Nina could feel was her own heartbeat. It was the first one she became acquainted with and knew intimately, for it was her own, and it thrummed through her body with a quick but steady rhythm.
Sometimes it sped up when she was nervous or fearful or excited, and other times it slowed when she was just about to drift off to sleep, but she always knew the nature of its existence, how it felt as her heart pumped blood throughout her body.
Her heartbeat was her own, and it was a comfort to her on days that were lonely or on nights that were filled with fear.
Perhaps there were occasions during which she was alone, but as long as she knew she was alive and well with blood pumping through her veins, that was enough.
ii.
Nina had met many people and gotten to know them well.
But there was no one in this world she knew better than Matthias: the surety of his heavy gait and the simple kindness with which he treated those he cared about and the way his lips tugged into a smile whenever she tucked into a plateful of waffles.
There were times that she tangled her fingers with his long blond hair and pressed kisses along his jaw.
What Matthias lacked in experience, he made up for with enthusiasm.
Nina had never known a man more careful with her, more mindful of the little things that made her happy, more eager to please her.
His heartbeat was always slow, but strong and steady. It was reminiscent of his resilience despite hardship and of his firm dedication to Djel – and to her.
The beat of Matthias’s heart was one that she never wished to cease hearing. It lulled her to sleep at night when she was anxious, and it reassured her that he was still alive when they were out on a heist. It was the steadiness of a drum that held the rest of the chaotic orchestra that was Nina’s life together.
Losing her ability to feel it was devastating.
Simply hearing it when she rested her head on his chest was not enough. Needing to press her shaking fingers to his pulse was not the same.
Nina felt as though her connection to the world was severed in the cruellest of ways. Taking the parem had allowed her to save her friends, but who knew that using the drug’s power would come at such a high cost? She craved the unbelievable high that the jurda parem gave her, and she was a mere shadow of herself now that she’d had a taste of the intoxicating drug.
Not only was the security of her own heartbeat taken from her, but the parem had also stolen her connection to Matthias, and it caused her grief like she’d never known before.
iii.
Matthias’s heartbeat was too slow as he came staggering forward into her arms, clutching his side. She couldn’t feel it through her altered powers, but she could feel it when her cold hand grappled to find his chest, searching for the steady thrum of his pulse. His heart normally beat slower than hers did, to be sure, but the rate at which his was beating now was too slow.
Calling for Inej, Nina panicked as she brought them both to meet the cobblestone floor. His shirt was soaked through with blood, and his cold blue eyes were glassy. She cradled his head gently in her lap, desperately fighting back tears as she felt his heart become more and more sluggish with each passing moment.
There had to be some way she could save him, despite her altered state post-parem.
As Matthias slipped beyond life, Nina kept him close, tugging lightly at the fraying threads that made up his existence. She could keep him here, hovering at the brink between life and death, until they found someone who could help.
Inej told her to let go, but she couldn’t.
After losing so much already, could Nina bring herself to lose Matthias too?
She forced herself to move, recalling the limited bits of Healing knowledge she’d learned at the Little Palace, wishing she’d paid closer attention. Under Inej’s watchful gaze, she extracted the bullet and managed to pull some of the infection from his dying body, cleaning the wound as best she could.
Nina was a queen of death itself. Was she incapable of saving the one she loved from its open embrace?
She forced the cells of Matthias’s body to regenerate and knit themselves back together again. He could not die. She wouldn’t let him. Constantly pulling at the edges of his consciousness that were drifting, she’d keep him alive, even if it killed her.
“Nina,” Matthias whispered, some of the light returning to his eyes.
“Matthias.” Her heart was racing now, as though to compensate for his. “Matthias, please don’t go.” She cupped his face with her hands, hoping to restore some warmth to his body.
“Nina, little red bird… don't go.”
Somehow, she kept him alive, and the heartbeat she could feel thrumming against the pads of her fingertips brought her immense relief.
iv.
For what it was worth, Kaz Brekker just might have been the best scoundrel Nina had ever had the misfortune of meeting.
Once Matthias was pulled to a secure location, Nina began pacing, uncertain as to whether or not what little remained of his infection would spread. She could not feel his heartbeat, but she was secure in the way his chest rose and fell with each shallow breath he took. “Brekker, you better have a plan,” she hissed.
Kaz and Inej stood off to the side, speaking in hushed tones, and it nearly drove Nina mad with worry. Finally, they broke apart, and Inej took off, scaling a nearby rooftop with ease.
From some of the memories that she held closest to her heart, Nina could remember Kaz’s slick, staccato heartbeat and the soft, featherlight one that belonged to Inej. How could she ever forget them?
Now the Wraith was off to look for help, and Dirtyhands stood beside one of his best Grisha assets. Nina didn’t know where Jesper, Wylan, and Kuwei were at the moment, but she hoped beyond hope that they were safe… that somehow, she, Matthias, and Kuwei would be able to make it to the safety of Ravka or wherever they might go.
Each time Matthias slipped slightly from her grasp, she pulled him a little closer to her, silencing death’s call whenever it dared to come too close. What good were her powers if she couldn’t keep the one she loved from slipping beyond the brink of death?
Amidst the chaos of the “plague” Nina’d created, Inej managed to locate a medik, forcing her to come assist them.
When the medik tossed the Wraith a dirty look, Brekker shot the old woman a cruel one in return. “Incredibly enough, you do have a choice in this. You perform your duties as a medik, or you can say goodbye to every working organ in your body.”
If Nina had had her Heartrending abilities, she would’ve been able to squeeze the valves of the stubborn medik’s heart shut with a simple wave of her hands without any need for Kaz’s help. If she’d had her abilities, they wouldn’t even be in this situation in the first place. She’d be able to mend Matthias and restore him to good health without the help of this weak medik Inej had managed to pluck off the streets of Ketterdam.
Even still, Brekker’s threat worked, and the medik saved Matthias.
Though Nina couldn’t feel the steady thudding of his heart, she heard death’s call weaken with each passing moment, and she watched as the color slowly returned to his cheeks. It was nothing short of a miracle.
When the medik finally pulled away from Matthias’s unconscious form, she nodded stiltedly at Brekker before quickly scurrying away like one of the canal rats that could be found at the docks.
But Nina had eyes only for Matthias, gathering him into her embrace and pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Saints preserve us.” She met his blue eyes as a gasping sob escaped her lips. “Matthias, you scared me half to death.”
“Nina… Little red bird.” A bittersweet smile spread across Matthias’s handsome features, and he remained weak in her arms. “That seems to be what we do best.”
Matthias was alive, and Nina didn’t dare remove her hand from his chest, as though she alone could keep the blood flowing through his veins.
v.
Together, they had lived lifetimes, and now Nina knew the sound of Matthias’s heartbeat better than her own.
Home was wherever he was, and she was never far from him.
Two children who’d gotten swept up in a war, and they were finally able to go wherever they wanted and start a new life together. They’d found a place where they were no longer Ravkan and Fjerdan, Grisha and drüskelle.
At their little house on a hill overlooking the acres of farmland they bought with the kruge they’d earned from the heists they’d pulled, they could simply be Nina and Matthias.
Sometimes, their dear friends would visit, and Nina never quite stopped longing for the companionship she’d found in Inej, but they were happy and content, more than they had been for years.
Matthias worked the land, and Nina kept their little house cozy and clean. They fell into a pattern, a routine that was perfect just for them.
Nina had experienced enough bloodshed and grief to last her a lifetime, and she never quite got used to her parem-altered abilities. But here, on their little farm out in the middle of close to nowhere, she was able to watch the cycle of life and death continue. Death bowed to no one but her, and life sung her praises and could be found everywhere around her.
The crops out back. Matthias’s smile. The curve of her stomach that hid both the waffles she ate for breakfast and their little baby, conceived only a few months ago.
The wonderful discovery of the existence of their little one came about in a way she’d never expected it to before. As a Heartrender, she’d always assumed she’d be aware of any children she might have as soon as their heart was formed, tiny thumps that would sound like the fluttering of a hummingbird’s wings. But as a Corpsewitch, she was not in tune with life as she once was, and the discovery that she was pregnant came about when she was retching up her breakfast in the bathroom.
Though the memory wasn’t necessarily a fond one, Nina thought of it and smiled, curled up beneath a blanket on their worn-down sofa. Dinner was simmering on the stovetop, and earlier this morning, she’d gone into town and picked up some groceries along with two tickets for a show that would be premiering next week at the local theatre.
As Matthias opened the door to their little house, he kicked off his boots, blue eyes instantly seeking her out. “My love.”
“Matthias Helvar,” Nina couldn’t help but smile, and she allowed the blanket to fall about her hips as she reached out to him.
Though he was lightly covered in both sweat and dirt, Matthias humored her with a hug, wrapping his arms around her and pressing a soft kiss to her head. “Nina Zenik.”
“Wash up for dinner,” she scolded, though her smile never left her lips.
And, in that moment, her heart only knew the most precious sort of happiness.
vi.
It was late at night, and Matthias was asleep, a blanket draped over his side as he snored.
Unable to sleep, Nina placed a hand on the curve of her stomach and did her best to smile despite the darkness surrounding her.
It was futile, but the Corpsewitch reached out anyways, desperately searching for the presence of her unborn child, seeking the soft thud of a tiny heart beating from within the safety of her womb. She couldn’t find it.
The mighty Corpsewitch who’d controlled dust and bones, raised corpse armies, and tethered the love of her life to the land of the living, burst into tears.
Almost instantly, Matthias bolted upright, “Nina?” He reached to flick on the lamp by their bedside before tugging her into his arms. “Little red bird, what’s wrong?”
Nina hid her face in the crook of her husband’s neck, tears falling from her eyes, lightly soaking his sleep shirt. “I’m sorry, Matthias,” she breathed. Another choking sob escaped her as she slipped a hand beneath his nightshirt and curled her fingers against his chest, comforted by the feel of his heart thrumming steadily against them.
“Nina… There’s no need to be sorry,” Matthias whispered, placing one of his hands atop hers. “I am here.”
The soft golden light from their bedside lamp cast a pretty glow along the walls of their bedroom. The sheets that Nina had clutched between tight fists and white knuckles were crumpled. Matthias’s sleep shirt was now wet from her tears.
Matthias rested his head atop hers as he rubbed soothing circles into her back and her shoulder blades. “I love you.”
This was something Nina knew, something she held close to her heart. But somehow, hearing it caused her to choke up and her heart to swell. She used to be able to feel his love through the way his blood flowed through his body whenever she was near, through the way his heart seemed to sing a song that was written especially for her. Hearing it uttered in the soft quiet of the night, though, was something she would never get enough of.
“I love you too,” Nina whispered back, and she pulled away gently, allowing her hand to find the soft curve of her stomach. “I… I know that I will never feel their heartbeat, but it still hurts to know that I might have, in another life.”
“You keep trying.” Matthias understood, somehow. He’d watched her grapple with her identity for several years now.
Nina wiped another tear away from her eyes before it could roll down her cheek. “Not trying feels wrong.” And it did, in a way. Her Heartrending abilities were gone, as was her way of connecting with the world around her.
And, ironically enough, the Corpsewitch mourned their loss each and every day.
“I cannot pretend to understand what you’re going through or what Djel wills,” Matthias admitted, cupping her face with gentle fingers. “But I know that you are strong and what you can do is beautiful.” He tucked a loose strand of dark hair behind her ear. “Your connection to our baby bird is not dependent on whether or not you can feel their heartbeat. You are their mother, and you are their world now.”
Her fingers laced over the swell of her stomach, and she held back another sob. “You believe I should stop trying.” It was a statement, not a question.
Matthias shook his head, and his blond hair swished about his shoulders as he did. She would have to cut it soon, before it got too long and hindered him with the farmwork. “No, Nina.” His eyes were kind as he pressed a soft kiss to the top of her nose. “You alone know what you must do. But you should not fear for your connection to our child. You are their shelter, their home, their world.”
And, as her fingers curled over the place where Matthias’s heart beat steadily beneath her hand, Nina found that she believed him.
vii.
Becoming a mother changed Nina’s life forever.
Over the course of her relatively short life, she’d gained many titles… Grisha, Heartrender, drüsje, Corpsewitch, wife, incorrigible flirt… but Mama was quickly becoming her favorite.
There had been so much blood after Nina’d gone into labor that she’d felt as though she was drowning in it. Matthias had panicked, heading to town with Kaz to fetch the doctor, leaving her in Inej’s care.
“You’re doing wonderfully, Nina,” Inej had encouraged, smoothing out the strands of hair plastered to Nina’s forehead, glistening with sweat. “I can’t wait to meet your little one.”
Nina hadn’t been able to reply aloud, already hit with several waves of pain due to her contractions. But she had gripped Inej’s hand tightly, appreciating the support of her friend, especially with Matthias away.
“Breathe,” Inej had instructed firmly, rushing to gather the spare towels they’d prepared prior to Nina’s water breaking. “Matthias and Kaz will be back with the doctor as quickly as they can, I promise.”
Inej and Kaz had made the journey over to Nina and Matthias’s little home just a month shy of Nina’s due date. Kaz hadn’t been too thrilled, surveying the guest room dryly while tugging at his leather gloves, but Inej and Nina had both missed each other terribly, embracing as soon as they were reunited.
Once Matthias returned with the doctor, Inej had been relieved, allowing the doctor to step forward and assist Nina as best he could. Kaz had immediately ushered Matthias back outside, looking slightly green at the sight of Nina laid out on the bed, pulling through contraction after contraction.
Kaz Dirtyhands Brekker, who was a vicious, filthy thief, who’d murdered plenty of people in cold blood, was brought to his limit by a laboring pregnant woman. If she hadn’t been in so much pain, Nina might have found such a sight amusing.
Childbirth had taught Nina that she was either quite strong for enduring it or crazy for perhaps being willing to endure it again.
But finally holding little Fetla Helvar in her arms made it all worth it.
The doctor left after he was certain that Nina and the baby were healthy, giving Matthias a detailed list of instructions on how best to take care of them. Kaz and Inej took him since they were headed to town anyways, planning on staying at a hotel now that the baby was safely delivered.
With their sheets and clothing freshly changed, Matthias crawled onto the bed behind Nina. “Little Fetla,” he murmured, peering at the baby from over her shoulder. “She’s beautiful, just like her mama.”
Nina leaned backward into his embrace, her eyes sliding shut. She was weary and tired, but her little girl was here in her arms, and her husband was cradling them both as though they were something precious.
As Matthias curled himself around them both protectively, Nina nearly wept as she examined all of Fetla’s tiny features, too small to tell which ones came from her mama and which ones came from her papa.
Of their own accord, Nina’s fingers drifted along her little one’s fragile skin and over the thin onesie that covered it, making their way to where they knew her tiny heart would be.
And there it was.
The soft, featherlight thud of her daughter’s heart.
A Heartrender was intrinsically connected to life, and a Corpsewitch was inextricably linked to death. But, somehow, Nina understood both, knew them like the back of her hand, and neither of them could compare to the love that she felt for Matthias and their little family.
Her daughter tucked safely in her arms, Nina finally allowed herself to let go, lulled to sleep by the sound of Fetla’s soft breathing and the steady rhythm of Matthias’s heart.