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Scarlet curtains were standing out on the large ornament windows, behind whose glass was now only the darkness of the night. Amaryllis, with a glass of weak champagne, tried looking out, curious if she could see the stars, but it was hard, due to the lights in the hall she was in, reflecting on the glass. She could only make out some resemblances of faint small sparkles in the sky. Unfortunately for her, she couldn’t see the moon from this side.
She peeked over her shoulder, lightly, to see if her spouse was still present in the room. She found him talking to some of the guests which still haven’t left yet.
It was quite surprising how pleasant this party turned out to be. The ceremonial speech was somewhat interesting. Even the music, she ended up dancing to together with her dear husband, was good. The taste of alcoholic beverages never impressed her, but the glass that was offered to her wasn’t really that bad.
She noticed many of the guests of this evening were past soldiers or even higher-ranked captains, accompanied by their spouses or other plus-one guests of their choosing. She enjoyed the stories they had to tell. And it wasn’t just the memories they made while serving, but there was also this pride in their voice when they shared their experiences.
Pride of their loyalty, serving to their country
Laughter has filled everyone’s ears when two old friends would talk in nostalgia about jokes and tricks they would pull on other soldiers of their rank they walked among with.
She admired the fact that, despite all the stress that had to come with wars, most of the men here were still able to keep their positive thinking and could still return to these memories with such fondness. It was also nice to see how serving in a war could actually even eventually build a friendship for life. Of course, many soldiers acted a bit too snobby at times, in her opinion, but she figured out they did deservingly at least during an occasion such as this, which was happening in honor of their long and stressful servings, after all.
Her husband’s eyes finally fell on her and before she could’ve reacted any further, she was already invited with a small wave to join him with the other guests. She gladly did and walked over to them.
He was leading a conversation with two other men, of older age, and their wives, who wore very beautiful and long, elegant gowns of quite bold colors. She couldn’t help but admit she really liked their dresses, she couldn’t recall if she had seen any like these before. They must have been from perhaps a foreign country. But at the same time, she wouldn’t dare to wear them herself, even if she had the chance. No, the colors were too vibrant for her, she wouldn’t feel like herself in them. So she was left to at least be allowed to admire them from close. A little shyly approaching, she noticed the smiles of the women felt very kind and welcoming. Oh thank god.
She greeted the people with a slight, polite bow and allowed her husband to introduce her.
“Thomas, Charles,” he placed his hand behind her back and smiled towards them, “my wonderful and beloved wife, Amaryllis.” Then he turned his attention back to her and introduced them as well “Amy, this is lieutenant Thomas Baker and his wife Sophie,” he waved towards the first pair who gently bowed their heads “and Charles Williams and Abigail” he waved his hand to the second pair who simply smiled at her.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” she said and shook hands with the guests.
A moment of silence fell upon the group before she realized, in embarrassment, that her entrance might’ve interrupted their last conversation.
“O-oh, dear, I hope I haven’t interrupted anything.” she blurted out in a slowly rising panic, but everyone thankfully only chuckled.
“No, no,” the man, Thomas, if she remembered correctly, huffed in amusement behind his beard, assuring her “worry not, we have been simply debating upon a little nonsense.”
All three men chuckled, while the two wives only smiled quite tiredly. So she hasn’t missed anything important, she judged.
“The boys have been discussing their favorite toys.” the wife closest to her, Abigail, explained in an ironic tone while putting her hands around her husband’s arm.
“And I stand my ground,” Abigail’s husband instantly exclaimed with a raised voice, “the longer the barrel is, the better the shot is.”
Both, her husband Warbucks, and Sophie’s husband Thomas, groaned in annoyance, it seemed that they were tired of going in circles with the third man on this topic for some time now.
“Charlie.” his wife said firmly, pulling on her husband’s arm strongly. “That’s enough for tonight.”
At first, Charles opened his mouth as if to argue her, but then he sighed and complied, submitting quite quickly. “I know, I know, forgive me, dear.”
It seemed very much as if even though Charles had been the official head of the household, his wife held more power and could easily make him follow her orders. This theory was confirmed to her when Sophie smirked towards her husband’s obedience and patted his shoulder.
Amaryllis covered her mouth to hide the small giggle she released upon this small conclusion and Warbucks shot her a little confused smile, hearing her and obviously curious about what she found so amusing. She shook her head a little at him in a ‘not now, I’ll tell you later’ way. Sharing her notice with him right here and now would be inappropriate.
“Ah,” Thomas suddenly uttered upon glancing at her husband, scratching his beard-covered chin for a moment, noticing a small detail- or rather a small detail absent.
“Higgsbury, don’t mind me asking, but where is your medal?” the man asked, caressing the medal pinned to his own chest.
Another wave of silence spread around the group in the moment and everyone’s eyes landed on the man in question.
Warbucks let out a little nervous laugh, waving his hand at the question, as if the other man just asked him something completely ridiculous.
“Sincere apologies on my side. I, unfortunately, couldn’t find it in time for this occasion.” he apologized with a quite ashamed smile.
“Many people could find this as very disrespectful towards the Crown.” Thomas warned her husband with a very serious tone, “For an event like this, one would expect some proper manners from a proper soldier, Higgsbury.”
And her husband remained completely calm, as if he weren’t being lectured by the higher-ranked man at all.
Out of respect to his authorities, he apologised again and the group moved on...
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Amaryllis and her husband didn’t stay for too long after that. It was late and the party ended a long time ago, they didn’t have a reason to stay any longer.
When they returned home, there was left an uneasy tension between them. It wasn’t a mystery why.
Why didn’t Warbucks ever tell her about his serving in the army? It was hard to believe he would skip and push aside such an important aspect of his past so easily. They were able to tell each other about absolutely everything, they were together for so long after all, and they always had such understanding of each other, they trusted each other immensely, or so she thought.
Wasn’t he proud of himself like the other soldiers were?
Many people were able to be very loud about their loyalty to the Crown and the royal family. Her husband was, without a doubt, one of them.
How was this any different?
She knew he lied about not being able to find his medal. They were preparing for the party together and he didn’t once mention it or really look for it. She would notice him if he was rummaging through shelves or old boxes and drawers.
It was also strange to her, that if he really was searching for it with no luck, why didn’t he ask for her help? She was usually the one cleaning and tidying up their house, it would only be completely logical to ask her.
Did he not want to find it on purpose?
It felt so out of character for her husband.
Perhaps the reason why they didn’t utter a single word to each other yet wasn’t only because she was first trying to gather her thoughts on the situation and needed to also collect every ounce of bravery inside her to ask him for an explanation, but because he already knew what awaited him too. His expression was one of wrongly convicted, waiting for execution after already accepting his cruel fate.
Maybe he was afraid her view on him would change?
They both laid into their bed with their nightwears on, putting the covers over themselves without much to say. It felt like they were suddenly treating the other one like a complete stranger, not even leaning to each other.
She finally collected her thoughts and decided to be the one to start.
“Bucky?” she called his name with a surprising calmness in her voice, despite her stomach planning on jumping out.
“Yes, love?” he asked innocently, almost making her think she was just imagining things and he maybe was really oblivious to how she would react to his obvious lie.
“I didn’t know you served in an army.”
Technically it wasn’t even a question, she just stated a fact, and his silence made her regret saying anything at all. Maybe she should’ve let it go and just ask for a night kiss or wish him a good night.
One side of her wanted to take the questioning very slowly and gently, not to risk sending wrong signals his way or to alarm him anyhow, but her other side, the side that just wanted everything to be over, was, unfortunately, the louder one currently.
She turned towards him and reached under the covers for his hand to hold, hoping this could at least make him look at her as he had his eyes already closed, which felt like he was trying to ignore her. This pained her.
“Are you...afraid I would think any less of you?” her words made him actually twitch a little. “You know two of my eldest brothers served in the army as well, you have no reason to think anything close to such.”
“...”
“Is it something you are not proud of?” and he huffed and sighed to that as if she insulted him.
“I served the royal Crown with pride as any man should. If I could offer my services to the empire anyhow again, I would without hesitation.” he stated confidently. She knew this already. She didn’t like it. She knew she couldn’t ever change his opinion on it. But most importantly, he was dodging her questions.
“Then why did you lie about the medal?”
She massaged the top of his hand with her thumb to ease him up, only for him to pull away and turn his back at her.
“If you were really searching for it, I could’ve help-”
“I don’t have it.” he interrupted her.
She was taken aback a little, but before she could ask him for further explanation, he continued himself.
“I didn’t deserve it, so I discarded it.”
He spoke with anger, but not towards her…
...he spoke with anger towards himself.
“Why do you think that?” she didn’t want to push him too much into talking, she wanted to leave him space to talk himself how he needed.
“Because I was a failure.”
Amaryllis was about to say something, but he continued.
“I killed a person.”
And if you were to drop a needle on the wooden floor right now, you could clearly hear it clink.
Killing a person in a war was something to be expected. People’s lives were always lost during wars. It wasn’t even that hard to believe that someone like her husband, someone who was always mostly optimistic, someone whose smile could always fill her with so much confidence and happiness, and someone who was so shy and nervous when confessing his feelings to her for the first time, could kill a person. What she couldn’t believe was how coldly he said it.
She placed her hand on his shoulder and gave it a small rub, trying to make him turn to her, but he refused.
“I killed a person, but I didn’t do it for the glory of the empire…” he was confessing to her with a harsh tone, “I did it by accident.”
She wrapped her arms around his torso and quietly listened.
‘Go on…’ She thought but didn’t say to not disturb him.
She heard him take a little deep breath and then sigh tiredly.
“We trained hard because we needed to be able to follow orders precisely and to be able to act on time. The general was harsh and we were practically working like dogs, but we were proud to be able to serve. And then when the time came, we were put on front lines, and I-” He paused.
Her forehead pressed against the back of his neck to soothe him.
“I panicked.” He growled at himself, remembering the moment.
“The general must have noticed and called for me,” he went silent for a second, then turned his head a little, with his eyes staring at the ceiling, “my finger slipped and I fired.”
She embraced him closer, he rested his arms on top of hers and continued again.
“I didn’t focus.” He said, pained. “It was only sheer luck that I didn’t shoot one of ours.”
He gently untangled himself from his wife’s embrace and laid back on his back, looking her in the eyes. His brown eyes were so tired.
“I was praised and congratulated by older soldiers, but I was so close to ending up in front of the court for war crimes. And even if somehow what I did ended up without punishment, or even kept a secret, that would be far worse.”
Her head laid on his chest, his arms wrapped around her shoulders, tightly.
“I could’ve been a criminal.”
The memory still haunted him, that much was apparent.
She didn’t want him to go through something similar like that again.
“You said if you could offer your services to the empire again, you would…” she sadly looked into his eyes, “would you really leave for another war if the chance would appear, even after how bad the last one was?”
“Of course.”
“What if I’d beg you not to?”
“...”
“Would you still leave?”
Her husband sighed and looked at her back, exhausted. And from his expression, it seemed as if for just a second, he was actually rethinking if he shouldn’t just grant her wishes. But he already made up his mind. She knew he would already have his mind made up, she just wanted to try.
And she wouldn’t stop. Not until she would make him at least fully reconsider. A memory from a war haunted him, but the thought of her losing him to another one haunted her .
“Amy, I owe it to the empire. We all do. You are aware of this. I am not changing my decision.” His voice was hoarse, and if they weren’t having this kind of conversation, she would love him to play with her hair while telling her a story of any kind, with his voice like that, while she would close her eyes and just listen. It would be such a lovely moment.
“But you should owe me and your family your safety too.” She argued back.
She might’ve been a little cruel by saying this, but she just wanted him to understand.
“For all I care, the empire can get invaded, if it would guarantee you’d be safe and sound here at home and not get killed off on the front lines!” She raised her voice unintentionally and thumped her hands on his chest.
There she got a little worried she might’ve just taken his breath away by the look on his face.
Then she realized what she said…
‘Oh.’
She couldn’t tell from his expression if he was angered, surprised, or just shocked.
‘You shouldn’t have said that.’
“I shouldn’t have said that.”
‘You really shouldn’t have said that.’
“I really shouldn’t have said that.’
‘ You weren’t thinking about what you were saying.’
“I wasn’t thinking about what I was saying.”
‘You’re sorry.’
“I’m sorry.”
His hands pulled away from her, landing palms first on his face, and everything that could give her an idea about what he was thinking or how he was feeling disappeared behind them.
He must have been in pure disbelief.
This didn’t look good. She hoped he wouldn’t be too angry. Oh god, please, he’s not going to yell, is he? Yes, she might’ve deserved it, but she has never seen him yelling in anger before and she didn’t even want to see him like that ever.
She pulled away and sat up, mentally preparing herself for the worst.
‘Are you listening to what you’re saying?! How can you say such a thing??! Do you have any respect for the Crown or your country??? I can’t believe what you’re saying! Would you like it to burn to the ground too?!’
How angry would he be? Or would he be completely enraged?
Millions of worst-case thoughts and ideas filled her mind, and as much she tried to calm herself down, she just couldn’t.
And then muffled laughter came from behind those hands.
Her husband finally uncovered his face again and stared at her, nearly teary-eyed. He crossed his arms and tightened his mouth shut, trying to hold his laugh in. He was failing miserably.
He wasn’t angry. He wasn’t angry at all.
Oh, she was so relieved.
Without her doing, her lips actually also curled up into a smile and she started to chuckle confusedly.
Warbucks inhaled longly and ceased laughing.
He glared at her with the most serious expression he could create on his face and his eyes dug into her soul judgingly, as if trying to look tremendously disappointed in her.
This made everything only worse. He looked so comical she couldn’t take him seriously. He looked like an angry puppy from whom she just took his favorite bone away.
She held both of her hands on her mouth, to silence herself too.
And the room was quiet once again.
They made eye contact.
And then her husband slowly, very dramatically, lifted one of his eyebrows and silence was no more. They both instantly burst out into a hysterical laughter that consisted of wheezing and crying.
Thank god they didn’t have any neighbors.
Neither of them was sure how long they had been laughing like this, but when they were finally calming down, Warbucks was almost sure he wouldn’t be able to speak properly the next morning and Amaryllis was holding her stomach in pain.
Comfortable again, she laid back next to her husband. Both were still panting for their breaths.
“I cannot believe what you just-” he giggled and scratched his head, “you just insulted the-”
“I really wasn’t thinking about what I was saying, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” she apologised again for her ‘crime’.
He laughed loudly at her excuses.
“No, stop it” she giggled “I’m telling the truth, I’m sorry, I didn't mean it!”
“What are you apologising for??”
“For angering you.” she answered and Warbucks choked on air.
“Petal, I’m not angry?” he grinned.
Amaryllis stared at him dumbfounded. Yes, that was true, wasn’t it? But well, she couldn’t control her politeness.
“I-I see,” she took a strand of her messier curly hair and brushed it between her fingers.
Her husband raised his eyebrow again at her and murmured something small to himself, shaking his head, chuckling again.
“You’d apologise for making me ‘angry’, rather than apologise for cursing the royal Crown?”
“Er-” she didn’t have any words for that, “well…”
“AND you have no shame!” he slapped his forehead and sighed, “you vile woman! There’s no hope for thee.”
She shrugged, smiling. Yes, she might’ve apologised in the presence of anybody else, but she didn’t feel the need with him. She was simply showing her stance in the matter. And besides, he didn’t seem to mind.
“You are smiling ~ ”
“Tsk!” he dismissed her comment, but did not stop smiling. “You could be accused of anarchism.”
“Well,” she patted his shoulder, “you certainly have no need to be afraid of that.”
He stayed quiet, his eyes glued to her with that foxy smile of his. ‘What?’
“I have no need to be afraid of anarchism...or of having an anarchist wife?”
She stared at him, thinking of smothering him with a pillow, which he was well aware of. But in the end, resolved to lean in to kiss his nose. He happily returned the gift in the form of a big kiss straight to her forehead, which she didn’t resist to anyhow.
They cuddled up close to each other, fixing their blanket over themselves again and hopefully for the last time tonight.
It was these moments she craved for the most with him after long days like these. The aftermath where they didn’t need any words and just adored each other quietly in the other one’s arms. Moments like these where she could focus just on his calm heartbeat and listen to his breathing. But also the moments when she could feel at peace with him, having confirmed furthermore she could trust him, not that she doubted him.
Not so long ago she felt afraid of angering him. Now it seemed like such a silly thought. She had no need of being afraid of him. That was why she felt so safe with him. That was why she loved him.
But she could still be afraid for him.
“Were you truly serious?”
“Hm?”
“Do you not care about the empire?”
She placed a soft kiss on his cheek, humming.
“I simply care more about you than the empire, if that answers your question.”
And even through her closed eyes, she could feel her husband looking at her. He took her hand and pressed it to his lips, closely, longly, kissing it. She could feel his warm breath on her skin and she used the opportunity to run her thumb over his lip and caress his jaw, drawing small circles in it. He hugged her closely and buried his face into her neck, pressing more and more smaller kisses on it. She shivered a little bit, but brought him even closer with her arms, nuzzling her head against his hair.
“I promise,” he mumbled between kisses. “I promise, I won’t leave for a war.”
She whispered a small ‘thank you’ into his ear and fell back into her thoughts.
The promise meant so much to her. Deep down, she knew if he truly wanted to go somewhere, she wouldn’t have the heart to forbid him. It wouldn’t feel right to her. He was always free-spirited and she just wasn’t, so she wanted to be more empathetic to him. But not a war. A war was something else. Just the thought of him leaving for it, and not seeing him for possibly several months up to years even, scared her greatly.
It was both, her mind afraid of being abandoned, but also the terrible fear of losing him and not being able to hold his hand and being there for him if he would-
She didn’t want to think about that anymore.
“I was wondering,” Warbucks perked up and raised his head to look at her through the darkness “when you said you discarded the medal...if I may ask, what happened to it?”
And his interest turned into a frown. She was curious about what he expected.
“Well I erm…” his tone didn’t sound very proud.
“You don’t have to share it with me if you are not comfortable.”
“No, no, I don’t mind telling you, not in the slightest, love. I just...” he pondered for better words “don’t exactly fancy my past decisions.”
She smiled and nodded “I understand. You know well I am not always a brilliant decision maker too, I won’t have you for a bigger fool than I am.”
He chuckled and took her words to heart.
“I’ve discarded it into the sea at the harbor.”
“Oh,” it was a little surprising. This didn’t seem like his style of getting rid of things, but she understood that at that time he might’ve acted on impulse, and he did regret doing it after all.
“I suppose I could’ve buried it. It was a waste to trust me with such an award.”
She hummed, shrugging.
“18-year-old me was dense as a stone.”
“18-year-old you was very dramatic.” his wife giggled. “Ah, wait. No, my mistake,” she ruffled his hair “you still are ~”
Her husband gasped, “Mrs. Higgsbury! Your words are greatly insulting my character, I demand an apology!” he complained in the snobbiest way possible. What an actor.
… or was he?
O’ dear, what had she brought upon herself at this hour at night, “Mr. Higgsbury, I might apologise when you stop talking in a high-pitched voice.” They both laughed and left games for some other time.
She would rather not look at the clock, feeling she might start cursing herself if she did, remembering she needed to go to the library tomorrow. Ignorance is bliss. Yet she didn’t regret anything from tonight.
She and her husband leaned a bit away from each other, to give each other space to sleep comfortably.
There was only the ticking of the clock singing in her ears, slowly lullabying her to sleep.
Peace and quiet, accompanied only by their small shuffling under the covers.
Their warm hands locked together.
“I would still love you if you were an anarchist.”
She grabbed her pillow and threw it in her husband’s direction. Their bedroom was filled with her husband's loud laughter once more and she was left to accept the cruel reality that she wouldn’t get much sleep tonight.