Work Text:
When the break-up somehow reached their friends’ ears despite trying to keep it under the radar so it didn't become too much of a fuss, the first thing that they secretly asked him out of curiosity (it was always curiosity) was : “What did Yosuke do?”
As in, how did he mess up?
Funny how he didn't find that assumption astonishing. Hanamura The Fuck-up seemed to be more of a brand than he had originally thought: The annoying. The open-mouth-stick-foot. You name it. When they were together, apparently it wasn't difficult to tell which one was the more flawed.
Well, Yosuke was certainly a mess after that went down.
What did he do-- he bought me a present and tried to surprise me but accidentally walked in on me cheating instead weren't the answer they were looking for and putting it like that made it sound rather comical than it actually was.
People tend to immediately pick a most likely side they could point fingers at in such situation, as if finding a black goat to lash at could magically make the situation better. There's a thin line between genuine concern and meddlesome tendency for one's own amusement. Katsuragi didn't blame them. It was simply human nature to gather around the closest attraction they could find.
It’s just unsightly, as it was meant to be.
They gave up on their proding after some time and everything went on like usual. There was no unnecessary hostility between him and Yosuke either, they ended things on peaceful terms.
It was four years ago.
And like how it is each time, everyone gradually grew further apart in their desperate searches for a place to belong as they climbed adulthood. He graduated college and led an uneventful life since then. Moved out of his grandparents’ house, got a job near his old campus building, scoped out a small apartment with affordable rent, and all he had to feed was himself. All in all, he managed pretty okay in terms of basic living requirements.
In terms of emotional needs, it's doubtful.
Of course he had a few companions here and there in and outside of his workplace, though no more than that. He hadn't seen Yosuke or any of his former friends ever since. It's not like he didn't have their phone numbers, it was just that none of them really had the time or intention to rekindle old bonds. That was just how it is sometimes--he told himself. Some people stayed, some didn't. In his case, none of them really stayed.
Not even Yosuke.
But that was mostly himself to blame.
Reminiscing about that still sparked a deep-seated ache that he couldn't scrape even now. It's avoidable most of the time. Some other times the thoughts were louder, like the nights he laid awake on his futon, his mind reliving those memories over and over, going around in circles.
He thought he'd eventually forgot but he didn't expect his past to come crawling back to him sooner or later.
The invitation got to him while he was sorting the files he had to bring to the office next week. It sure took him by surprise but he thought, ah what's the harm. He’d have some days off before then.
It was just a college reunion held at one of the izakaya near the outskirts of the city that provided good beers and tasty food with a relatively friendly blow to their wallet. It amazed him how some of the people he recognized there immediately blended in with everyone else. One familiar face approached him as they went on a short casual chat. It was nice, all in all.
“Hanamura and the others would be here any minute now.”
That captured his attention more than anything else, he accidentally swallowed a barely chewed piece of meat in his mouth. “Yosu-- Hanamura , too? I see.”
He managed to curb his shock. Of course. Yosuke was also part of their little circle back in the days. It would be odd if he were excluded instead.
He’d already be over it by now--he wished. Truthfully he felt like breaking in cold sweat at the moment, regressing back to his nineteen year old mind space where he and Yosuke had started to date. He remembered how Yosuke eventually dealt with his little “issue” and fear of dating men. Yosuke who confessed to him in the lamest and somehow most endearing way possible--
No, this wasn't the time for nostalgia.
Overlapping noises of footsteps and muffled chatter reverberated through the walls of the room they were occupying, indicating the presence of newcomers around the corner. Speak of the devil.
Katsuragi sat up a bit straighter.
Yosuke would walk through the door with his arm linked with a pretty woman or man, looking refreshed and glorious himself. A glow up, you might say. That's how it is when you dumped your ex, according to people.
What he got instead felt like a slap at his ridiculous presumption.
It was just Yosuke. Nothing more nothing less. Carefully peeking through the entrance for a second before sliding in and flashing smiles to some of the other guests. A yellow cardigan hugged his lithe frame, with his trademark v-neck beneath it and orange headphones nestled just above his collarbone. His auburn hair had gotten long and landed below his nape.
Yosuke strode around until their eyes met and his grin dropped for a millisecond and was replaced with a noticeably tense one as he walked up to him. They were exchanging concealed nervous smiles--Katsuragi did it better. After all, fabricating pleasant and carefree displays was his prowess.
He was able to take in every little detail of Yosuke now that they are face to face.
Strands of messy brown hair framing the shape of his cheeks, a speck of snowflakes on top of his head that Yosuke probably forgot to dust off, visible eye bags, chapped lips, a pimple on the side of his forehead he tried to hide, the way his nicely-picked set of fashion hid his perceived imperfections, showing how hard he tried.
There was no glow-up. Only Yosuke. Painfully rundown and awkward and unremarkable and beautiful in his own way. So nostalgic. So him. It made Katsuragi’s heart ache.
"How are you?”
The warm voice caught him off guard, echoed in his mind and filled his chest with longing. He didn’t realize how immensely he missed it, he could tear up.
Don't break the facade. Not now.
"Never been better."
The room was starting to feel suffocating and they agreed to go get some fresh air outside. The lawn was fairly spacious, thankfully. Yosuke being Yosuke, filled the empty space with rambles as they sat down at the bench, probably only so as to not let it become awkward, but some of those stories cracked him up regardless.
When he asked Yosuke about work, the guy scoffed. He knew that face. Yosuke went on a rant about retail and this one rude customer he met yesterday who yelled at him over a bottle of ketchup.
Katsuragi hummed in understanding. “I, too, am stuck with a boring job."
Yosuke laughed. “As long as there is food on the table, huh."
That’s the thing about growing up. One day you were laying down on your bed as a kid reaching your hand out towards the faraway ceiling and dreaming about taking your spaceship to Mars, and the next thing you knew you're almost thirty, stuck in your cramped apartment kitchen with a cup of cheap instant noodles after draining out every last ounce of your wallet to pay the bills.
Pushing away the growing cynicism at the back of his mind, he focused back on the current scene. It was nice talking with Yosuke again after so long. He thought he’d already forgotten how that felt.
Katsuragi contemplated on whether or not he should ask the thing that's been bothering him for a while. It was only the two of them. Yosuke looked relaxed enough, staring into the distance of the dimly illuminated backyard beyond the weave of snow-covered trees, absentmindedly sipping from his glass.
“Are you seeing anyone right now?”
That immediately switched the tone.
Yosuke froze. “I-er…”
He was understandably taken aback. Katsuragi wasn't even sure what he was aiming for by voicing the question. He needed to make sure, even if the outcome could be painful. The hurt might be required to slap some sense into him and finally tell him to give it up.
Katsuragi silently observed him from his peripheral vision, giving him time. Yosuke eventually regained his composure and responded, to his surprise: “Yes. Yes I am.”
Ah.
It shouldn't be unexpected that Yosuke would find someone else. It's been four years after all. And it's not like Yosuke was undesirable--not at all. At least for him. And he hoped whoever Yosuke’s new person was could see him the way Katsuragi did.
He ignored the twinge of jealousy at the pit of his stomach and asked lightheartedly, "Oh? What are they like? I'm intrigued."
It was curiosity. It was just curiosity .
He kept telling himself that, and perhaps at some point it would actually become true for him too.
Yosuke bit his lip and began fiddling with the hem of his sleeves. "Yeah, uhhh, he's like… really cool."
"Hmm."
"He's… kind, and um... He has nice hands and... curly hair, a bit similar to yours. And he's tall, like you."
“Is he handsome too?” Katsuragi asked playfully. Lift the mood a little. Yosuke snickered.
"Do you love this person?"
He expected Yosuke to call him a dumbass over that rhetorical question but instead Yosuke's gaze softened as he muttered, "Yes. Very much."
That stung more than he would have predicted. He tried to brush it off.
"What's his name?"
There was a heavy silence between them that settled for almost two minutes. Katsuragi turned his head fully towards Yosuke now, concerned.
"Yosuke?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah. He's umm…" Yosuke averted his gaze and his sitting position seemed to be quite uncomfortable now, judging from how much he fretted. "Ta--hm… Taro…?"
Yosuke didn't do a good job hiding his distress, it was slightly pitiful.
After all,
he had always been a bad liar.
Katsuragi inhaled sharply.
He could still pick up the cues perfectly, even after all those years they separated. It's the way Yosuke would slightly look down and pretend to do something while he spoke. How his tone of voice would go a bit higher and his speech pattern went faster. Or how his deft fingers would delicately play with his headphones' wire while he's at it. The way he brushed a strand of his hair behind his ear as he spouted lines after lines of transparent lies.
Reminded him exactly of four years ago after the incident , when Yosuke said he'd be content if Katsuragi chose someone better.
It was the signs Katsuragi knew all too well, and he hoped with everything he had that he was right.
"Yosuke," he started carefully. It was like treading on thin ice. He could see how Yosuke tensed at the mere mention of his name, could see in that moment how even Yosuke was aware that Katsuragi wouldn't buy his charade. "Do you still have that picture in your room? The one back in April?”
Their first anniversary picture. The one Yosuke loved the most. Nicely framed and heavy with memories.
Yosuke's shoulder slumped in defeat and he sighed. He faced Katsuragi with sheen eyes and a strained smile that held just a tiny bit of fondness. "I do. It never moved anywhere.”
That was all the answer he needed.
“Sorry,” Yosuke breathed out. Face red. “I lied. About having a new cool lover and all that. Yeah, there's no way."
The quiet dragged on for a few moments before he continued, “And… I still like you, even now. I swear I tried to move on. I’m sorry, I know this is an inconvenience for you, but I don’t wish to mend what we had or bother you about it or anything like that. This is my own problem. Please don't feel bad about it."
He didn’t understand.
When Yosuke lifted his face and finally met his eyes, all he saw was anything but resentment, even though he had every right to be. There was fear, guilt, and definitely frustration. But under all that, there was love. The way Yosuke used to look at him in the past.
What exactly did Yosuke see in him?
He wasn't stupid. He knew his own worth, he's just not the type to flaunt it or exaggerate it. He had plenty of remarks from others in relevance to his plus points. It wasn't something that would make him arrogant. He definitely has faults like every other person, he was just better at covering it. Practice makes perfect.
But Yosuke seemed to find something beyond all that. Something that he adored.
And he adored that about Yosuke in return.
Having someone like Yosuke around could be dangerous. It's a feeling you could get too comfortable with. Something anyone could get used to and a seemingly harmless drug at first. It's flattering, on normal days; however, at this moment, it only brought him pain. Because Katsuragi is entirely sure even he wasn’t worth all this.
He almost wished Yosuke moved on instead of this, whatever this is. It was sad.
Yosuke possibly needed some push to finally let go. Free himself. Find someone who loves him as much. Because for all his humane flaws, he deserved to be happy just like everybody else.
And perhaps that outcome would be the best for both of them.
But is that what Katsuragi wanted?
No.
And he wouldn't repeat the same misstep this time.
“I still love you, too.”
There was a subtle gasp beside him.
“Yosuke, would you-”
“I don’t know.” Yosuke quickly cut him off with a panicked laugh. He looked pale. Afraid. A totally opposite reaction coming from someone who just got asked out by the person they still have feelings for, you’d thought. His arms subconsciously wrapped around himself protectively like he was prepared for impact. “I don’t know.”
“...That's fine.”
He vaguely recalled a memory from his childhood, what his grandmother told him long ago on their front porch in late autumn, when he asked why his mom and dad won’t talk to each other anymore,
You might fix a broken vase but it wouldn't stand the same.
(He couldn't believe he used to be bitter about his parents because he thought they were stupid, but look at him now.)
Things change. It never stopped moving. The city. The inhabitants. So did Yosuke, himself, and everything they had in between. They couldn't just get back together, sweep their past under the rug, and pretend like everything is okay.
They're messy, reckless, and didn't make the best decision at times. Obstacles were inevitable and the future is unclear.
Even so, Katsuragi would die trying.
This is how much it means to him. This time, he wanted to be the one to show it. To tell Yosuke that he's also worth it.
“Can I hold your hand?”
Yosuke stayed quiet. And when Katsuragi slid his palm towards him, entangled their fingers together, basked in whatever warmth they could find, Yosuke didn't pull away.
The hand in his hold was a bit smaller than his. Thinner than he remembered. Yosuke was never one to gain much weight, but this sparked a bit of worry. He kept it for later. Right now he wanted to stay like this for as long as he could.
And through the comforting silence and small, reciprocated grip he got, he could tell Yosuke felt the same way.