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In her dreams, Olivia hears screams and then an exploding gunshot.
When she first began having night terrors, it was Lewis pulling the trigger at a living image of Olivia, while she stood five feet away, rooted to the ground, watching in terror as she fell to her death. Over the years that image morphed, first into the wide fearful eyes and cherubic faces of the brutalised victims they failed, then Simon and Tucker.
Tonight, Olivia sees Elliot fall to the ground, a splatter of blood on his shirt marking where the bullet hit. When she wakes up, gasping for air like a drowning sailor and coated with sweat, she can still hear the screams from her nightmare ringing in her ears. Olivia is trembling when she sits up, fingers scrunching her bedsheets tightly in her hands, grounding herself. She wipes away a few tears from her cheeks and glances at the clock. It’s just past midnight.
Instinctively, Olivia swings out of bed to check on Noah. Olivia is familiar with the symptoms of PTSD. She has spent enough years in therapy to know the root of her night terrors lie within her trauma, her paralysing fear that she will lose the people she loves the most due to her inability to keep them safe. Olivia knows these fears are irrational and born from her own neglect as a child, then grown from her countless confrontations with violence and death.
Still, Olivia needs to know he’s safe.
Olivia pushes the door ajar and peeks inside his room. She sees him sleeping on his side looking at peace, his chest rising and falling with his gentle breaths.
Olivia shuts the door and breathes out a small sigh of relief. She can still hear her racing heart drumming in her ears, the sight of Elliot’s lifeless body still lingering in the back of her mind. It is the third time she has dreamt about him, the dreams of Elliot dying beginning when he first returned.
Olivia remembers desperately trying to reach for him in her dreams, her arms flailing wildly while her feet stuck to the ground, her mouth opening and closing like a gaping fish, trying to warn him, but no sound came out until he was dead, and she was screaming.
Olivia is still for a moment, caught up in the nightmare playing in her mind. It takes her a few seconds to register the knock on her door. She’s sure she is imagining it, until she hears it again.
Déjà vu hits her when she sees Elliot standing at her doorway. Surprise sweeps over her features. Yet somehow, a part of her anticipated that it might be him, recalling all the times he had reached out for her this late at night. Who else would come over at this time of night?
“Elliot? What are you doing here?”
Olivia knows something is wrong. She sees his eyes wide, his pupils dilated with anxiety. His jaw is clenched tight, tension furrowing creases into his forehead. His breathing is heavy, as if he had run up the flight of stairs to her apartment door.
Olivia swears she almost sees relief pass his features when his dark eyes fall on her.
She asks incredulously, “Do you know what time it is?”
She takes a step back anyway, inviting him in.
“I know it’s late,” Elliot says as he steps inside. “I just…I had to see you.” Elliot pauses when he realise he is in Olivia’s apartment for the first time since he returned. He briefly forgets why he came as he takes in his surroundings.
Nothing much has changed, except the freshly washed dishes on the dishrack versus the takeout containers he would usually see, evidence of home cooking, and traces of Noah’s belongings; a beanie, a jacket and some toys, scattered around the apartment. Evidence of life, evidence of a family.
Then he sees Olivia’s expectant look, grounding him back to reality.
Elliot rakes his brain for an answer, Wheatley’s words drifting back.
What was her name again Elliot?
Elliot remembers the way Wheatley looked at him, narrow eyes watching him turn away, a cool glint tinting their gaze. Wheatley’s lips pursed into an amused smirk that curled into his cheek. He did not have to speak his intentions for Elliot to get the message, loud and clear.
It was enough to have Elliot jumping into his car and arriving at her apartment hours later.
What was her name again Elliot?
Olivia interrupts his thoughts. “Why did you need to see me? Did something happen?”
Elliot flexes his neck to the side with discomfort, his hand rubbing his jaw. He had not thought about what he was going to say to Olivia as he lied in his bed, unable to sleep with the possibility of her being in danger. He had only acted, grabbing his jacket and racing over without even a heads up.
He decides there is no easy way to say this. “Liv, Wheatley knows about you.”
Olivia blinks, shock blooming in her eyes. “What? What are you talking about?”
Elliot blinks his eyes tightly once, then twice, exhaling a heavy sigh through his nose. “I don’t know how. We suspect that he might have been tracking us for a while now. But he knows about you. Knows we’re close.” Elliot squeezes his fist tightly, overwhelmed with the sudden urge to slam his fist against something hard. He grumbles, his breath heavier now. “It’s all my fault. I should have been more careful…”
Olivia shakes her head slowly, letting the news sink in. “I don’t understand. What do you mean he knows we’re close? Elliot, what happened?” Olivia wonders again why he’s at her apartment so late at night. She lifts her eyes back up to his, her tone firmer now. “What aren’t you telling me? Last I heard, you were planning on arresting Wheatley today. What happened?”
Elliot meets her eyes, his jaw tensing when he sees the worry in her eyes.
There’s someone else…another woman who’s the one true love of his life. What’s her name again Elliot?
How can he begin to tell her the danger she’s in?
Elliot takes a steady breath, choosing his words carefully. “We arrested Wheatley. But before we put him away, Ange- his ex-wife, wanted to speak to him. During their conversation, he made a reference to you. He spoke about how…close we were, are.” Elliot pauses, thinking. “He didn’t explicitly make any threats, but I know what he was meaning. Now that we might have the evidence to put him away, he’ll be after me and the people I love next. Do you understand? It might not be safe for you here.”
Olivia is silent, processing the information. Then she glances at Noah’s bedroom door, anxiety tightening her chest. “What about Noah? Does he know about him?”
“No. This isn’t about you Liv, it’s about me. He’s trying to hurt me.”
Elliot’s words pull her brow into a frown, thinking. His previous words drift back to her. He’ll be after me and the people I love next. On paper, Olivia is just his former partner, maybe a close friend. How is she the target over his children?
Elliot sees her scepticism and pushes on. “Liv, this man is dangerous. We’re going to have to be careful. I’ll have to speak to Ayanna, see if we’ll need to get you and Noah into protective custody-”
“What? You said he didn’t even make any direct threats; he didn’t even mention my name. Now you’re talking about shipping us off to a safe house?”
“You know what he’s capable of.”
Olivia blinks, trying to catch up to the racing conversation. “Okay, slow down Elliot.
What exactly did he say?”
He’s taken back. “I told you Liv.”
She shakes her head to the side, thinking. “You said he referenced me. What did you mean? Did he mention Kathleen, Eli, or any of your other children? Were you just giving them the same speech you’re giving me?”
Elliot swallows. “He didn’t mention them. I know, it doesn’t make sense-”
“No, it doesn’t.” Olivia paces over to her couch, thinking. She leans against the arm of her couch, trying to make sense of it all. “If he was trying to threaten you, why me and not your family?”
Elliot breathed out a frustrated sigh through his nose. “What do you want me to say? Maybe he knows it’s too risky since they live with me-”
Olivia cast him a sceptical look. “And I, an officer and Captain of the SVU, would be an easier target than your children? Come on.” Olivia’s eyes soften for a moment, studying him. Her voice softens when she says, “What aren’t you telling me El?”
Elliot meets her eyes.
Olivia presses him again. “What did he say?”
Elliot lowers his eyes. “I can’t tell you.”
Olivia folds her arms, raising her eyebrows. “You can’t tell me, but you’re asking for me to leave my job and take Noah out from school so we can live in protective custody? You know I deserve more than that.”
Elliot rubs his face, suddenly exhausted. “Liv, I know I sound unreasonable. But I need you to trust me.”
Olivia almost snorts, breathing out an incredulous laugh. “Really? Trust you?”
Elliot casts her a hardened glare at her tone. “Don’t. Don’t make it about that.”
“Make it about what Elliot?” Olivia stands up and casts him a hardened look, her tone rising. “You left. You don’t get to tell me what’s in my best interest anymore, and certainly not my son’s.”
Olivia turns away from him and walks over to the kitchen, leaning against the bench. She folds her arms. She needs a moment. She needs space to think. She needs him out of her apartment.
Sometimes, Olivia can pretend like nothing has changed between them. When they’re at the diner drinking coffee, chatting about their job and their friends, it almost feels like the old days. Sometimes, Olivia feels the two of them inching closer, bridging the gap between them.
Other days like tonight, she’s reminded of the pain he caused her ten years ago and it’s like someone is pulling her heartstring like a plug, releasing a flood of pain that threatens to drown her.
“Liv, I’m sorry. I know how this must look.”
Olivia turns around to face him. Her heart aches when she sees the defeated look in his eyes.
Elliot approaches her, his voice raw with emotion. “I mean it. I know I shouldn’t have come here tonight…I just- when he spoke about you, something inside me snapped. And I can’t lose you too.” Elliot’s voice breaks in his throat. He clenches his jaw, closing his eyes. “I can’t go through that again.”
He’s standing closer to her now, so close that she can see the tense lines pulling above his cheeks and weighing under his eyes. She can see the pain clouding his eyes, pulling him back deep into his grief.
Olivia reaches for his hand, bringing him back to her.
“Okay,” she says softly.
Her words have the desired effect, as he lifts his head up, his cheeks lifting slightly.
“But I’m not leaving my job or taking Noah out of school. And you still owe me an explanation. But we can talk about what happened and what this all means in the morning.”
He nods.
Olivia squeezes her hand, then releases him. She studies him for a moment, eyeing his unshaven jaw and the dark shadows hanging under his eyes.
“Did you drive?”
He nods.
Olivia presses her lips together. “Okay, you can spend the night here then.” She sees him about to speak and cuts him off firmly, “You’re exhausted Elliot. It’s not safe for you to drive this time of night.”
“I wasn’t going to object. I was going to ask when Noah wakes up.”
Olivia’s eyes round with surprise. “Oh…” She follows his gaze to his door, understanding his meaning. “He’s a pretty heavy sleeper. You should be able to slip out in the early morning.”
Elliot nods.
They’re silent for a moment.
Olivia wonders if she should offer him a hot beverage first, but it’s too late for coffee and he’s never been a tea drinker. Olivia realises that Elliot has never stayed the night before. They’ve had long nights at the office together, catching a nap on one of the bunk beds or failing to fight the sleep at their desk. Olivia glances up at him and sees that he’s texting on his phone, but can sense the uncertainty emitting from him too.
Elliot puts his phone away and clears his throat. “I messaged Kathleen so she knows I’m here, in case she checks in on me tomorrow morning. I’ll take your couch. Do you have a spare blanket?”
Olivia glances at the couch. “No, I don’t think so. Noah’s friend vomited on it when they had a playdate here.” She catches the look in his eye and says, “When they say they can handle two supreme sundae, it’s never true.”
His lips curled into an amused smile. “Okay. Well, it’s fine. Unless you have some spare bed sheets?”
Olivia casts him an incredulous look. “Elliot, it’s four degrees. You’re not sleeping on the couch. You can sleep with me.”
Olivia stops, realising what she said. She sees him raise his eyebrows; swears he’s looking amused. She clears her throat and says, “I mean, I don’t want you to freeze.”
Elliot doesn’t say anything. He nods and follows her to the room.
He would never tell her that secretly, he is relieved that she is inviting him to stay the night where he can see her, breathing next to him, safe, alive. He doesn’t tell her that he was afraid of going home, tossing and turning in bed as anxiety twisted around his chest like a python, imagining all the ways she might be harmed.
Olivia does not tell him that secretly, she wants him there by her side tonight, the heat from his body and extra weight in the bed a reminder that he’s still safe and here with her.
They’re silent as they get ready for bed. Olivia is already dressed in her sweater shirt and shorts. She climbs into bed and busies herself with tidying up the books on her bedside table, watching him slip his shoes off from the corner of her eye. He climbs into bed next to her, leaving space between them. Olivia turns out the lights.
Elliot does not sleep. He did not think that he would be able to, not after tonight’s events and certainly not while he’s lying with Olivia in her bed. So, he watches her.
She looks at peace at first, calm, her features free of the usual creases and lines. Then, she tosses, a frown pinching her features. She turns, kicking against her bedsheet. Elliot rolls over to his side, watching her with new concern. He can see her chest rising and falling with her heightened breathing and knows she’s having a nightmare.
“Liv?”
His whisper doesn’t reach her. Elliot is not sure if he should wake her up or not. When she lets out a small whimper, he reacts immediately.
Elliot reaches for her arm, whispering for her to “Wake up.” When she doesn’t react, he brushes his hand against her cheek, pushing the matted curls from her eyes.
Immediately, her body stills, then softens under his touch. Curious, Elliot draws himself closer to her body and gently reaches for her hand underneath the blanket, his thumb running over her knuckles. To his surprise, he sees her breathing begin to slow, a new calmness easing her features.
Then he hears a small murmur slip from her lips. He’s sure he’s mistaken, until he hears it again.
“Elliot…”
It is not distressing like her previous whimpers. His name pushes past her lips in a breathy sigh, hiding all hints as to what Olivia might be dreaming about.
Elliot’s cheeks lift into a small smile. His murmurs quietly, “I’m here Liv.”
He rolls back onto his side, still watching her as his eyes grow heavy and sleepiness clouds his mind. He’s still holding her hand as sleep drags him into darkness.
…
When Olivia wakes, feeling an unfamiliar warmth radiating onto her body, it takes her a moment to realise where she is. She blinks once, then twice, slowly stretching her legs as she wakes up. Then she realises she’s curled up next to Elliot’s body, her face buried into his shoulder and arm draped over his chest. To her relief, he’s still sleeping on his back, unaware that she had snuggled against him in the middle of the night.
Slowly, Olivia pushes herself away and stretches, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Her movement and the loss of contact causes him to stir too. She watches him slowly wake up, his back arching as he stretches, his hands rubbing the sleep form his eyes.
It takes Elliot a moment to remember where he is. He rolls over to his side and sees her watching him. Her brown hair are in a wavy tousle, her sweater falling just off her shoulder, exposing tanned skin. Something about waking up to see her this way, natural, fresh, smiling before the day has beaten her, makes his heart jump into his throat.
“Sorry I took all the blanket,” Olivia says. “Why didn’t you wake me?”
Elliot looks down and sees that indeed, most of the blankets is over her side. “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re apartments warm anyway.”
Olivia smiles. “Liar. Did you at least get any sleep?”
“No more than usual.” Suddenly, he looks at his watch on his wrist and then the door. “I should probably go, before Noah wakes up?”
Elliot is sitting up, and Olivia suddenly misses the contact from his body. Before she realises, she quickly says, “He usually sleeps in on Saturday.”
Elliot turns towards her, a curious look in his eye.
“If you want some extra time to wake up and get ready.”
Elliot studies her, then nods. He settles back down into the bed. Olivia sits up, drawing the blanket closer to her.
“You were having a nightmare last night.”
Olivia turns to face him, but he’s staring at the wall. “I did? Well, I do get them. Night terrors come with the PTSD.”
“You mentioned my name.”
Elliot says it so quickly, regretting it as soon as it rolls off his tongue. He is not sure what urged him to share this with her. He sees her look of surprise, then a slight blush creep up her cheeks.
“Oh…”
His eyes soften onto hers, watching her embarrassment turn to pain, as if she is then recalling the dream. To her surprise, he reaches for her hand, the movement seeming so natural to him since last night. Just like last night, he feels her soften under his touch, her eyes connecting with his.
“Did you want to talk about it?”
Olivia parts her lips and then closes it, as if unsure of where to begin. Finally, she says quietly, “It’s the same as you. I’m scared of losing the people I love too.”
Olivia lowers her eyes. She doesn’t tell him that last night was different. Elliot didn’t die. She didn’t watch him fall to the floor. Instead, she fell into his arms.
She feels him squeeze her hand and lifts her eyes.
“How long does Noah usually sleep in for?”
Olivia tilts her head at the question. “He usually wakes up for the eight am cartoons. Why?”
“I was hoping we could get a bit of a sleep in.”
Olivia smiles. “How long have we got then?”
Elliot checks his watch. “A couple of hours.”
Olivia snuggles back under the covers and pulls more of the blankets over to his end, inviting him to settle in with her.
Elliot lies back down but does not sleep. Instead, he listens to her fall asleep. He feels her head dropping onto his shoulder once more, feels the heat of her body as she turns towards him, her chest brushing against his side and arm falling onto his body. Her breathing is gentle, content.
Elliot doesn’t sleep. Instead, he savours this moment, her smell and her warmth, being here with her and the knowledge that for a moment, he can chase away her demons, even if it’s just in her dreams.