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In the morning, Kiyoomi woke up to sunlight streaming in through his window. It cast a warm glow through the room, and it caused a lazy feeling to envelope him. He looked over, just a little, to see Atsumu hugging him tightly. They had practice sometime later that day, but Kiyoomi couldn’t bring himself to look at the time to see how long they had before they had to leave. He didn’t even check to see if they had missed it. It didn’t seem important at the time.
What was more important to him at that moment was Atsumu who had his arms wrapped around his waist, and his face leaning against his abdomen. Kiyoomi wasn’t a morning person so he never had the opportunity to see any of his partners sleeping in the morning. He had never seen the appeal, because why would you want to wake up earlier than you needed to? He saw it now. He saw it as he brushed Atsumu’s bangs out of his face.
The act made Atsumu hug him tighter, and he would be lying if he said that it didn’t make his stomach do flips.
“Mmm,” Atsumu groaned as he stirred. Kiyoomi almost wished that he would go back to sleep. If Atsumu woke up, then he wouldn’t let Kiyoomi go back to sleep, and he didn’t want to be awake. He wanted at least another hour of sleep, but that wouldn’t happen.
Kiyoomi hesitated, but reached down again and brushed another few strands of hair out of his face. He was amazed that Atsumu’s hair was so soft. It didn’t seem like it would be after he had been bleaching it blond for nearly 8 years.
“Whatareya do’n Omi?” He slurred, still not entirely awake.
“Your hair is soft.” He responded as he ran his fingers through Atsumu’s hair.
Atsumu closed his eyes again, content with the repetitive movements of Kiyoomi’s hand, “Mhmm.”
They fell asleep like that once again. Well, it was more like Kiyoomi fell asleep. Atsumu was the type of person who couldn’t fall asleep after being woken up, so he stayed awake in Kiyoomi’s bed. He was always cold in Kiyoomi’s house so he kept close. To Atsumu he practically functioned like a space heater. Atsumu wondered drozily if Kiyoomi kept it cold when he came over so they would have an excuse to be closer.
It was kind of cute, he concluded.
He watched the sun rise on the horizon as Kiyoomi slept silently beside him. Atsumu would occasionally glance between the ceiling and him sleeping. He turned, completely restless, through the morning. He was tired, he could feel the pressure of it pressing against his skull, but his eyes wouldn’t stay closed. He found himself trying to memorize every detail of Kiyoomi’s room.
It was clean, as he expected it to be. Everything seemed to be in place, well everything that he hadn’t touched. Atsumu sat up and leaned his head against his bed frame. Last night Kiyoomi told him to just grab clothes out of his dresser, and so he did.
Now that Atsumu was really looking at the dresser he noticed that the one where he grabbed clothes from was now overflowing. It wasn’t shut all the way like the other ones. It must have been something he had done. It must have been, but Kiyoomi wouldn’t live with anything being out of place. Atsumu wondered if it ever bothered Kiyoomi just how much he messed with his life.
He ran a hand through his messy hair. He had messed with Kiyoomi’s life. There was so much that he had done to ruin it. Atsumu remembered walking into his house for the first time and being shocked. He knew it would be tidy, and clean, but he certainly didn’t expect what he saw. The apartment looked like one of those pictures you see on listings. He tried his best to keep things exactly like they were, but it was impossible. Keeping all of that up was impossible, so he gave up. He gave up trying to keep everything clean for Kiyoomi, and just lived how he normally would. That didn’t stop the guilt from flooding him every time he saw Kiyoomi tidying something in the corner of his eye.
Atsumu pulled his knees to his chest. Kiyoomi had changed the sheets the night previous, but would he feel the need to change them again after Atsumu left in the morning? He understood that it was all to make him more comfortable with, well, living, but Atsumu couldn’t help but feel he was constantly being erased out of Kiyoomi’s life.
On the end of the bed, the cat they had brought back was snoozing. Atsumu stared at it with malcontent laced across his face. He had given Kiyoomi the cat because he wanted Kiyoomi to have something that he couldn’t erase with cleaning. He had meant for that to be the reason the cat stayed there, but he didn’t feel that way anymore. Instead, all he could think was that Kiyoomi had protested last night. He didn’t want Atsumu to bring in the cat, but he did anyways. Kiyoomi wasn’t a confrontational person, so did he not want the cat? Was he just letting Atsumu bulldoze all over his life? Did he even want him here?
“Mm,” Kiyoomi groaned as Atsumu shifted forwards to pet the cat, “Are you not sleeping?”
“Can’t.” He responded absentmindedly.
Atsumu couldn’t look at Kiyoomi at the moment. Was he even happy with his life? It was hard to tell. Kiyoomi wasn’t an expressive person, by nature. He smiled, sure, but they came few and scarcely. Was he happy with me?
Kiyoomi rubbed sleep out of his eyes, as Atsumu kept his attention focused on the cat, “Do you want me to make you breakfast?”
Atsumu’s heart thudded in his chest, “Nah,” He really did want breakfast, but he already felt like he was imposing, “I’m fine, right here.”
Kiyoomi laughed a little, and Atsumu braved a small glance over at him. He was sprawled across the bed with his hands behind his head. He looked so comfortable. It offered Atsumu a semblance of relief. It was early, too early to fake emotion. Maybe he was happy?
“Good, I didn’t really want to get out of bed anyways. We’ll just get breakfast later.”
Atsumu nodded, and looked back down to the cat who was purring and rubbing her head across his hand. Regardless of if Kiyoomi wanted a cat in the first place, he wouldn’t get rid of her. That was just the way he was, he wouldn’t give up, especially not after a single night of owning her. She would at least have a good life here in Kiyoomi’s apartment.
“Can I see my cat?” He asked, and gesturing for the cat that Atsumu was busying himself was entertaining.
He shrugged, and picked up the small ball of fur and passed her over. She opened her eyes to see her new change of scenery, but quickly closed them again when she recognized Kiyoomi. He rubbed her head with his thumb, and looked over to Atsumu who was sitting on the end of his bed.
The sun rays didn’t come through his windows in the mornings, but it was light around his room. It brought the idea to his head that he wanted this. He wanted to wake up with Atsumu in the mornings, and have their cat sitting on the end of their bed. And just sit here, apparently both too lazy to make breakfast.
Kiyoomi leaned back against his pillows, “Mm, can we order breakfast? I don’t really feel like getting up and making anything.”
He looked up just in time to see Atsumu shoot him a smile, a small one, “Yeah, of course. Anything you want.”
Kiyoomi looked down to see the cat lightly biting his finger, and pulled it back in shock. Atsumu just laughed at him from his spot perched on the other end of the bed. Kiyoomi shot him a glare, not entirely happy that this was the response he was getting to literally being attacked by his cat.
Atsumu rolled his eyes, and shook his head once, “Omi-Omi, ya do realize that cats bite to show love. And she’s a baby, she don’t know any better.”
“Do cats always attack to show affection?” Kiyoomi asked, recalling that Osamu’s cat routinely attacked Atsumu, “like, is that a thing I’m missing?”
“What are ya talking about?”
Kiyoomi flushed red, embarrassed that he retained a detail like that from a conversation he wasn’t even supposed to be included in. He didn’t mean to listen in on Atsumu’s conversations when they were in the locker room, but it was hard not to retain some things. Especially days like that day when he couldn’t do much of anything except listen. He avoided Atsumu’s eyes as he continued.
“You were talking to Bokuto about it. Osamu’s cat scratches you right? Does she not like you? Or is it affectionate like this little brat?” He gestured down to the cat who had since given up on trying to play with his fingers to return to her nap.
Atsumu’s confused expressions broke into a smile, “Oh, oh right. I’d like to think that she likes me,that her attacks are affectionate, but she’s just a bitch. I’m entirely convinced that Rin is the only person she actually enjoys. Not even ‘Samu, even though they defend her every time someone says something.”
Kiyoomi pet the cat sitting on his lap, “Yeah. Did you guys have any pets growing up, or is this a new thing to you?”
Atsumu leaned back into his hands and looked out Kiyoomi’s window before answering, “‘Samu ‘n I had a dog when we were kids. He was the sweetest old thing. Our parents adopted him when he was 9, so he didn’t live with us for very long,” He laughed at the memory, “They didn’t adopt anything else after he died, ‘cause we were hysterical for months on end. Apparently didn’t want to deal with that sorta thing again.”
Kiyoomi understood. His parents didn’t want pets either. The only reason he did end up with a pet was because his aunt and uncle trusted Kiyoomi and Komori to run off by themselves at a fair. They used that time to pool money, and won the bird at a prize booth. They had the idea they were going to do a sort of time-share like scenario, but Komori’s parents freaked out about the idea. Kiyoomi ended up with sole custody of the bird, but that didn’t stop Komori from bringing the bird
own house several times. His parents really hated that bird, but it kept both of them extremely entertained so it got reluctantly welcomed into the family.
“I never had a dog, what was he like?”
“Overbearing sometimes, but he loved us. ‘Samu especially. We were about 7 when we got the dog, ‘n he was nearly bigger than us and it terrified ‘Samu to no end. They hated that dog when we first got ‘im. Of course, that just made him love them all the more. They grew to love him. I think that’s actually why ‘Samu’s got a cat now. Just can’t bear to get another dog, but no dog for the Sakusas? What pet did you have?” He asked.
“A bird.”
“A bird?” Atsumu asked, intrigued now, “God, why can I see that? Did you like your bird?”
“Yeah, I liked him, my parents didn’t, but I did.”
Atsumu laughed, and Kiyoomi cocked his head to the side in confusion, “Gotta disappoint yer parents early, amiright?”
Kiyoomi had to laugh at that, “Yeah, you do have a point. I guess it was foreshadowing maybe. I guess I needed to start letting them down early so they could be prepared.”
“Yeah,” Atsumu whispered.
Kiyoomi suddenly became aware that it was slightly strange for Atsumu to stay sitting in the corner of the bed. The cat had been there when he woke up, but he had the cat now and still Atsumu sat there. Once again it made Kiyoomi wonder if Atsumu distanced himself because he was trying to respect boundaries.
The only thing he didn’t understand was what boundaries would he be respecting? They had sex the night previous, so it wasn’t a touch thing. Maybe Atsumu thought he had a thing with unprovoked touching, and to be fair, yeah he did. Still, this was Atsumu. They had been together for nearly a month, Atsumu didn’t need to give him distance. What he needed to do was be all over him so he wouldn’t worry.
“‘Tsumu, you don’t have to sit all the way over there. I don’t bite-“
“You do.” Atsumu responded bluntly.
Kiyoomi blinked, not awake enough for innuendos, “Still, get over here. You are making me feel lazy for not wanting to get out of the covers.”
Atsumu looked out the window one last time before shrugging and crawling back to the spot he had woken up in, curled up against his side. Kiyoomi returned to what he had been doing when he woke up the first time. He carded his hand through Atsumu’s hair. He sighed in content, and finally relaxed into Kiyoomi’s side for perhaps the first time ever.
Conversation carried on, quietly, and in increasingly lowering intervals. They asked each other what they wanted for breakfast, and Kiyoomi even pulled out his phone at one point to look up breakfast places that deliver. Atsumu kept quiet during this, and it made Kiyoomi question some things. Did Atsumu not want to order in? Maybe he wanted to go out for breakfast. Sure they hadn’t said anything about their relationship to the PR reps, but they could keep PDA under wraps. They could make this look like a friendly outing between teammates.
Come to think of it, that was probably what it was. Atsumu had been very public about his relationships in the past. Kiyoomi had seen it all over his Instagram page, and Twitter feed. You could always tell when Atsumu was in a relationship, and he liked it that way. Atsumu always wanted to show off his relationships, but Kiyoomi had never been like that. The radio silence was probably killing him, and the half dates in Kiyoomi’s apartment even more so. They could go out. Kiyoomi had no issue going out with dates. He was just surprised that it took him so long to realize all of this. They could go out and get breakfast.
“Atsumu, we don’t have to order in if you don’t want to.” He offered as an olive branch. He felt like an idiot for not considering his feelings earlier. He had been so self absorbed that he didn’t even think about what Atsumu would find fun.
“No, no,” Atsumu shook his head, “We can order in, I think I’m just tired, but food would be nice.”
“I’m not talking about not getting breakfast. We are still getting breakfast, but I mean we can go out and find a diner if you want. You’re probably sick of my apartment at this point.” He laughed, trying to disguise his persuasion techniques.
“I know restaurants make ya uncomfortable. We don’t need to go out. We can stay here Omi-Omi.” Atsumu patted Kiyoomi’s stomach sweetly, but it almost seemed dismissive to Kiyoomi.
He found it interesting that Atsumu did such a thing. Kiyoomi was trying to compromise here, but Atsumu either thought he was being nice and putting his own feelings aside, or Atsumu just didn’t want to go out with him.
But he went out with all those other people before. Why is it any different now?
He hated the clenching feeling that was forming in his chest. He didn’t understand it. Kiyoomi went about this, well, whatever this was, like Atsumu wanted it, but now he wasn’t even sure of that. It was a horrible thought, one he wished he could purge from his head, but it wasn’t one that could so easily be rid of. It had been eating away at his composure for a while. And he didn’t even know why it hurt so much. Obviously some part of Atsumu wanted to be here, doing this, with Kiyoomi, but it wasn’t enough that he wanted to be out in public with him.
Kiyoomi had never cared before. He had never even wanted to be out in public with any of his other romantic partners, but this felt different. He felt, almost, hurt but the prospect of it. He wanted to push him away, but at the same time pull him closer and never let go.
“We can talk to PR,” He offered as a last ditch resort. “Tell them that we just wanted to try out that specific breakfast place.”
“It’s okay, Omi. I’d rather just stay in bed here with ya next to me.” Atsumu traced his finger around Kiyoomi’s hand. It was a sweet gesture, his words were sugar coated as well, but it didn’t mask the bitterness that pooled in the bottom of his gut.
Kiyoomi bit his tongue, wanting to keep his mouth shut. He had one phrase, one question, that would clear up everything in his mind, yet he still wanted to keep his mouth shut. The clarity was tantalizing, because it was just in his reach. And it was dazzling, but Kiyoomi knew that as soon as he reached out to grab it, he would be left disappointed. Just as Tantalus, Kiyoomi could feel his hunger for the fruit, in this case clarity, grow heavier in his stomach. His teeth’s grip on his tongue grew looser with every passing second. He could feel the disappointment that would follow cease to matter. He didn’t care for the fallout, he didn’t care for any ending, only the beginning. He opened his mouth.
“Are we dating?”
Probably not the most beautiful of lines for all the description I gave, but eh close enough. There was no way that Atsumu could truthfully respond that wouldn’t bring heartache. Not even the most eloquently spoken person could have saved Kiyoomi from the pain of the response.
Atsumu shifted upwards to see if Kiyoomi was laughing at him. He wasn’t, Kiyoomi was dead serious about the question, “No, we aren’t.”
Atsumu saw the falter in his face and pressed a kiss to Kiyoomi’s forehead, and he left it at that. Kiyoomi didn't want to leave it at that. He wanted an explanation, and felt like he deserved one. He didn't want to leave this undefined. His life relied on the known, and this wasn't something he could deal with in the moment.
"What are we?" He asked, looking at Atsumu again.
"I don't know."
"Then what are we doing?"
"I don't know about you, Omi, but I'm just passing the time."
Kiyoomi couldn’t lie and say it didn’t hurt. He also couldn’t let Atsumu know it hurt. In order for this sort of thing to work, they needed to be on the same page. They weren’t dating, that was clear. Going out was a no, that was also clear. They would stay and continue doing whatever it is that they were doing in Kiyoomi’s apartment. That was it. It was simple, he realized after a minute. It really was. Atsumu was alone, and in that way they were the same. He sought comfort, and Kiyoomi provided. It didn’t have to turn into anything, and Atsumu didn’t expect it to turn into anything. Kiyoomi just wished he knew this before it started. Maybe then he wouldn’t have fucked up and caught feelings.
He couldn’t let Atsumu know it hurt. They needed to be on the same page.
“Okay,” Kiyoomi breathed, “We probably need to name the cat, right? We can’t just go around calling it ‘the cat’. That would get confusing. Oh, and we should go out and buy some food for it. A litter box, definitely.”
“Well I got the cat fer you, Omi, what do ya want to call her?”
Kiyoomi looked down at the cat sitting on his lap. He couldn’t get the picture of the bread out of his head when he looked at her. He also liked that it was an earlier reference to their time together. He thought Atsumu would like it as well.
Kiyoomi pet her head, “Well you were the one to tell me that she looked like a bread loaf.”
“Ya want to call ‘er Bread?”
Kiyoomi nodded once.
“S’a cute name, I’ll give ya that. Fine, let’s go get yer bread-cat some food. And pick up some breakfast, ya weirdo.”
And pressed another kiss to his forehead.